While Eric and Elliot try to figure out Serena's love life, Lily and Dean Reuther are busy flipping out about the Colin situation, which has been leaked to Page Six. Although Lily shows real mama-bear power in the meeting with the Dean, threatening her with just about everything she's got, it's only a matter of time before Operation Smile gets rolling again.
Jenny shows up to warn Lily and Rufus about Juliet's plans to bring down Serena, explaining about the Page Six situation too late to help. But -- psych! -- it was all a big plan by Jenny, Juliet and Vanessa to set Serena up for a truly terrible fall. Stealing Serena's SIM card means the Three Witches can send and receive texts without Serena knowing: Thanks to Vanessa, Dan and Nate have made up once again and decide to force Serena's choice once and for all. The Three Witches mess with their minds for awhile, but since nothing can stop them from loving Serena, they step things up even further.
Meanwhile, Blair and Chuck are happily in a Friends With Benefits place. Anne Archibald harasses Blair about a girl-empowering charity that can't get any Chuck on it, while Serena's old boss KC harangues Chuck about not having a girlfriend. There's a weirdly loud, confusing scene in which Blair and Chuck change the Empire's Black & White Ball to a Saints & Sinners Masquerade to safeguard Chuck's bad-boy reputation, and make some adjustment to Blair's charity situation that I still don't understand and that doesn't matter. All this secrecy and texting turns up the heat, and before you know it Chuck's gasping out how much he loves her and Blair's politely pretending he said nothing.
Lily invites Juliet to tea and tries to threaten her, but Juliet finally explains the Ben situation: Like we expected, he was a teacher that got jailed over rumors that he slept with underage S -- something Lily's already covered up once (but still may or may not have happened, I'm not sure). Lily pays her off, and gets into a huge fight with S. Chuck and Blair worry separately about the three little words for a bit, but Blair eventually strips to her underwear and runs to the Empire party to find out once and for all if he meant it. He did, they both did, they are in love and now they will be together. Before they can even kiss, Jenny-as-Serena exposes them, but they decide to take the plunge and declare their reborn relationship. Meanwhile, Juliet stalls Serena's entry to the party just long enough for her and Juliet -- also dressed like Serena, in an identical masks -- to send GG some pictures of "Serena" making out with both Dan and Nate. (And constantly changing size and shape!)
Anne explains a harsh truth to Blair -- in terms of reputation, men are rewarded while women are tarnished -- which Blair realizes is not only unfair but totally true when Chuck manages to spin his relationship with her into a positive, making B a Page Six star in her own right. Though C offers her a replacement charity, B realizes she must be Blair Waldorf first and Chuck Bass's girl second: Though they're very much in love and having wonderful sex, she needs to work on her own image first. Sweet and sad.
Vanessa submits Serena's resume to Anne Archibald for the foundation, so now Blair feels double-betrayed, and takes her turn yelling at Serena before running off. GG blasts the two-timing XOXO pictures, and even though this has already happened once to these people at this exact same party, nobody can comprehend the idea that somebody dressed up like Serena did all these terrible things.
So now B, N and D, Lily and even Eric assume that Serena has betrayed them, turned back into a drunken ho, and once again gone running pantsless into the streets. But -- unbeknownst even to Jenny and worthless Vanessa -- the truth is way worse: Juliet has roofied Serena and kidnapped her, texting Columbia with her resignation before tying her to a bed and filling her up with drugs to make her look like she's on a bender and nobody will miss her! Unnerving! (Not to mention fun music from Little J's band, where she has gone real-life crazy to the point that even Tim Gunn was horrified.)
In two weeks: Serena is a drug hostage! Everybody thinks she's at rock bottom and doing drugs in the fleshpots of New York, but really she's in Juliet's clutches! Blair and Lily are so disappointed they might give up! Only Dan (?) can save her! And then they go on the run! And make out!
While GG talks about choice paralysis on the UES -- Dom or Krug? Winston or Cartier? Tory or Stella? -- Serena continues to have choice paralysis on her gay boyfriends. I mean, which one is Harry Winston and which one is Cartier? Such a valid comparison. "Nate is more like Stella McCartney, in that his mother keeps vegan snacks in her false leg, while Dan is more like Tory Burch because he masturbates to internet videos of homeless men fighting each other for food."
Eric and the complicated visual known as Possibly Still Bisexual Elliott have been GTD all over Serena's boy problem: Charts, graphs, pie graphs, graph charts, chart pies. Filling in Venn diagrams with colored pencils. Sadly, we don't get to see much of their research, but Dan is -- on one bullet-pointed and point-weighted list -- pronounced "Brooklyn (-1), Smart (+2), Scholar-Sexy (+3), Almost Related and Relent[lessly pretentious, presumably]." The last two don't have scores visible but who knows, it's all very complicated because Elliott seems to be somewhat more than neurotypical, as they say.
Nate meanwhile is "Upper East Side (+1), Athletic, Preppy-Sexy (+3), and No Siblings! (-1)." I don't understand how that last one gets a negative score, though. What part of Dan's siblings is a good thing? And why isn't there a graph of hair cuteness? Because Dan's hair was really cute for awhile.
Anyhow, by the time Serena arrives to pick them up for lunch, it's gone full threesome and they've made the interlocking Venn diagram include all of their facts together somehow. All the above facts are represented, but Dan is also "Excellent Writer, Sincere, Poetry," the boys overlap at "Six Feet Tall, Second Chance," and Serena is pronounced "Smarter Than She Thinks." Oh, and all three of them are "Cute." This is the kind of shit you want to find on CW's website in its awesome detail.
Serena is abashed, and somewhat weirded out by Elliott's sudden rainmannishly SAT Math score of 800 ("They go that high?") and his explanation that, much like an online dating service, they're using math words like "probability" and "set theory." Which they are not, but like Serena's gonna call that bluff. She calls them "E'sHarmony," which is a joke that makes sense out loud but is weird to explain on paper, and tells them it doesn't matter anyway.
The big cliffhanger last week, where Nate literally wandered into Serena at random at the exact second she had summoned Dan from DUMBO, causing her to stare with her mouth hanging open and smoke coming out of her face, was as usual not that interesting in its resolution: She called Dan, making her choice, but then Nate showed up and "said some things that [Serena] couldn't ignore," and but then she ignored them, ran up to her room, and has been avoiding them both ever since. "I presume they shared the cab back to DUMBO and jerked each other off like usual," Serena does not say.
Eric makes a joke about Serena running away and ignoring things, and then Lily comes in looking like she's about to pull out a gun: Page Six has run a story about the very important doings of zillionaire Colin Forrester and the circumstances of his leaving the Defense Against The Dark Arts program at Columbia. And why? "Funny business" with Serena vdDubs. Which Lily already knew, and even Serena seems to have figured out that she broke up with Colin when she wasn't looking, but the problem is that Dean Reuther -- damn her Serena-obsessed eyes -- scours Page Six for news of her only student and wants to have a parent-teacher conference -- like always happens in college -- about Serena's ongoing whoredom. And for that, Lily does not have time.
Serena asks Lily to call the Page Six and tell them she wasn't actually kissing Colin Forrester at the ballet in front of everybody that saw them, because it's so mean to gossip, and then before she can even apologize for ditching the boys for lunch, Elliott's off counting the ceiling tiles again, transforming toruses in his head, imagining infinite toothpicks and then counting those toothpicks, imagining what emotions must feel like, nervous about the wall-to-wall facial expressions and emotional nuance impinging on his safe, quiet world of numbers and straight lines. Well, it's said boys only ever marry their mothers, so I guess it's lucky Eric has found him so early in life.
Dan, of course, reads Page Six first thing just in case there's something he can leverage in there for his personal agenda of forcing Vanessa Abrams to commit suicide, so of course he calls Serena immediately and invites her to their home, to hide from the Post and all its minions. "Brooklyn is a great place to avoid nasty looks... Unless you throw your recycling in the regular trash, or try to open a giant chain store with questionable labor practices..."
Nate appears from the doorway of Dan's bedroom, looking ruddy and post-lacrosse satisfied, pulling on somebody's underwear, who cares whose anymore, and lounges about with a whole deal about how he already made that same call, minus the "lame Brooklyn joke." However -- I love when Nate does this -- he has bad news. "Even though we both did the exact same thing at the exact same time for the exact same reason, I wouldn't get your hopes up." Loony-eyed optimism: It's how Archibalds survive.
They fight and fight and fight and the slappin' turns to touchin' and the touchin' turns to sex and then there's no history left. And then fuckin' Vanessa walks in -- Dan wide-eyed, panting, Nate's bowtie between his teeth -- and she's like, "This was exactly my plan! The two guys I like doing each other is exactly what I wanted to happen in my house."
However that works out in her head, I think we can all agree that Abrams needs a win. Yes, they say, You have once again proven victorious. Dan's all, "Every nerve ending in my body is electrified!" Nate goes, "There is a fiery pit of hate burning inside me! Ready to explode!" And they let Vanessa watch.
Actually, how great would it be if everybody switched literary modes, for just one episode? You could have Blair take over Nate's Brideshead stuff and fall in love with a random cousin, while Dan could be Daisy Buchanan for a day, caught between PRADA and DUMBO-pretending to be-PRADA. (Run Vanessa over! In a Model T!) Nate could start hallucinating that he's Audrey Hepburn, or Fred Astaire, and do a little dance number. Chuck could be Punk Rock Princess, playing electric violin while the Empire burns. Lily could be a sad old has-been rock star, and Rufus could take her Russian tragedy into all-new monologue territory. Serena could be the new Buchowski, sitting on window ledges and smoking cigarettes and having Tom Waits thoughts. It would be outrageous.
So then some confusing things. I thought I had it figured out by Wednesday but there's been a lot going on this week and I may have lost the thread again. Chuck and Blair are all lovey-dovey about (1) a benefit he's throwing before this (2) board meeting with the Hotel Association about the Empire. Classy, a Black & White Ball just like the day I fell in love with Kristin Cavallari. Meanwhile, Blair's big thing tonight is (3) a dinner meeting with Nate's mother Anne Archibald before (4) a meeting with her board about a lady-empowerment foundation, G.I.R.L.S. Inc., that Anne's forming with Martika's band of Toy Soldierettes and Stacy Ferguson, the Duchess of Piss and Meth.
So that's four things they're doing today -- no wonder this was so confusing, also Chuck mumbles and the music is loud, and they are very sexy -- plus now they're thinking about having a romantic (5) dinner at the very same restaurant to which Blair wanted to take Anne, before her dinner with Anne. I think. Chuck offers to call off either #2 or a #1 pre-planning meeting (6) to have this dinner date (5). Which has nothing to do with anything, but is actually cool because this episode is about whether or not they like each other more than they are into building their various Empires and empires.
Bla
ir summons Dorota for her "Sam Brocato and an assortment of Chloë that's subtle but sexy," and Dorota is confused about getting sexy for Mrs. Archibald -- last seen eating rose petals and hiding time capsules containing nothing on the grounds of the Vanderbilt palace -- and when B admits it's about a Chuck date, Dorota tilts. "I see your brain trying to translate the implications from Polish, but there are none. So stop thinking and Do." There's a Goop joke in there somewhere I think. Meanwhile, Chuck was lying about his reservation at this restaurant but calls the restaurant and gets the reservation because he's Chuck Bass. And they are so in love. Blair looks like she's being lit by separate offscreen candles, while Chuck's hair has never been peppier.Waiting for the Dean in her office -- the one dedicated to Serena's body parts and their whereabouts -- Lily is looking at Serena like she's trash and talking about how she wants this problem to go away, because as usual Serena's "academic career" is its own punchline. Serena tries to point out that she didn't even do anything wrong for once, and Lily's all, "Dean, I think we're both embarrassed about how stupid you are for calling this meeting."
Lily is fantastic in this scene, the way she builds up to total scariness. So the Dean is like, "I got paparazzi to deal with." And Lily goes, "How about a gajillion dollars' endowment that you can use to build a moat around the school and quit your bitching?" Dean's all, "Get your whore daughter off my campus," and Lily goes, "You are being controlled by the media!" and Dean says, "Not me, the awful Columbia parents" and Lily's all, "Fuck them, I'm Lily van der Woodsen Bass Humphrey!" And the Dean is unmoved. And Lily's eyes go cold and dead like a rattlesnake Georgina.
"I'm sure you've realized that Serena was accepted at other Ivy League institutions?" Serena starts to get embarrassed because she thinks she knows what's about to happen, and the Dean says to go ahead and send her wherever you want, as long as she gets the fuck out of town, and Lily pulls out a jeweled knife and sends it twanging into the middle of her spindly-legged Dean desk.
"I think you misunderstood me. Serena chose Columbia. And despite your judgment, she is the victim here. And I'm sure the Times would love to do an article about a Dean who tolerates professors in power positions exploiting female students." All the while, Reuther's sliding up the wall with her hands at her throat, desperate for oxygen. Legs twitching.
The ladies bounce, and Dean chokes out, "I hope you'll consider my offer..." but her voice is too weak to even hear, now that Serena's clomping away.
Meanwhile, Dan and Nate have more gay sex with each other, in the Brooklyn style. "You know Serena. We're going to have to stand on opposite corners and whistle and slap our thighs and call her name. That's how this is going to end up happening."
Serena and Lily come home laughing about that time Lily carved a second, sunnier smile into the face of the Dean of Columbia, and bonding over how Rhodes Women don't really care what whores their daughters are: Just that nobody knows about it. Serena swears there are no more secrets -- either because she forgot a long time ago about that Ben guy she got imprisoned for statutorily raping her, or because that never even happened, or because it's really a strange admixture of the two that's actually Lily's fault and S doesn't even know about (Answer, I think: C) -- but then the black fog comes rolling in and the black freighter arrives with a hiss and Pirate Jenny shows up with a cutlass and strange jewelry clinking.
Lily's happy to see her most ruinous daughter but Serena is not, because... Give me a minute... Okay, last time Jenny was in town she was trying to empower ladies and Blair sabotaged her lady-empowering clothing line and so Jenny did some shit to Blair and Dan was mean to her about it. Is that it? But S only hates you when you hate her, and she knows Little J hates her, because of that time there... Mm. There was a birthday party, and drugs, and a sewing machine, and a ton of scarves getting packed and unpacked...
It's a blur. But I will side with Serena, because that's what I do. And because Little J is being disingenuous, having joined the Poor Bitches Coven of Brooklyn-Harlem Solidarity & Unfortunate Hair Extensions, and cannot be trusted. S disappears to peel Elliott off the walls, somewhere in PRADA ("All I did was suggest breakfast food for dinner!" Eric cries in a corner. "I thought it would be fun!") while Jenny explains that she's taking a break from her break to flout the banishment -- at MOMA, with Mama Allison, sharing their love of Abstract Impressionism -- to drop by and tell Lily that Juliet Sharp is planning evils: "I know Serena still hates me, so I might have done something like this last year, but not now." She's too late to warn of Juliet's Page Six leakage, of course, but tells them there is more and that there will be blood. And then Rufus is like, "Time for you to leave again!" So she does.
Or does she. Or was even MOMA Day a lie? That would make more sense, because later on she's worried about the banishment again. She calls Juliet to say that she's got Lily and Rufus all set up for Operation Daisy Miller, and Juliet's got word that Dan and Nate are in place, so now they have more awful things to do tonight, because God knows enough is not going on today. Then Jenny steals Serena's phone, which is Verizon and doesn't use SIM cards, and trades her SIM card for some MacGruber shit we'll find out in a bit.
Anne and Blair are happy to see each other because truly cynical mother/daughter-in-law alliances never die, although sometimes the relationships -- sometimes, even the boys -- do. Blair was the first person Anne thought of to "replace" her as the face of G.I.R.L.S. Inc., even though she just invented it.
"I feel I need to tell you the board is very focused on the fact that the head of a female empowerment organization needs to be someone who's empowered herself," Anne says. Maybe that's why she's being taken off the block and needs a replacement. "They don't want a groundskeeper-slash-tea cozy still married to an abusive drug addict prisoner, for some damned reason."
"Luckily, powerful woman is the new waffles and I can't stop saying that phrase over and over every time I open my mouth," Blair explains. "They wrote it on the dry-erase in the writer's room and it was just one of those things that every single writer managed to fit into their script, making us look manic and unsubtle. However, this week it does mean that I'm the perfect fit!" As long as it stands for "Governmental Interrogation of Random Lady Subjects, Inc.," that is.
"Power isn't just my mission, it's my mantra." Anne Archibald explains that no, it's less about her personal power, which is terrifying, and more about Blair's whole last season where she Tamed her inner Shrew and ended up marinating in a crockpot made of bed because she was too scared of the poor people at NYU. "Ideally, you would be empowered enough to not let your boyfriend prostitute you to your best friend's rapist uncle."
For e.g.: Serena's old boss and Hilary Duff's manager, KC of the glittering eyes, who is empowered to call bullshit on Chuck's entire empire: Victrola which I thought he sold like three times, Gimlet which I think I forgot existed, and Eponymous as his flagship. KC's problems with all of this are legion, but they start with the Black & White Ball idea -- "So Hilton: Conrad, not Paris" -- and end with Chuck Bass's whole "acting-human" thing he brought back from France like a horrible disease.
"People aren't checking into the Empire for a black-tie experience. They come to live like Chuck Bass." Who has changed, even if he thinks the Empire hasn't. "When you disappeared you seriously damaged your brand, and the hotel has paid the price."
See what's happening here? We're -- and I'll take it slow because it's quite complicated -- flipping back and forth between situation A, where Anne tells Blair that Chuck damages her reputation, and situation B, where KC tells Chuck that Blair (by synecdoche) damages his reputation: "You need to commit to being the hedonist everyone loves to hate," says KC, while Blair assures Anne she's not really dating Chuck. "No one wants a soft-hearted has-been who's worried about dating Blair Waldorf," KC says, and Chuck assures her that he's not all about her anymore. And so on: Their chance to reset the clock to the beginning of last season when everything was great, even Rufus, because Jenny was still a virgin. "If you want this foundation in your future, I'll need some assurance that Charles won't be a part of it." Blair assures Anne Chuck's not even part of her present, and finally the whirligig stops whirligigging.
Just in time to head over to the cave dwelling HQ of Evil Bewigged Bachelorettes, Inc., where maybe we can get some explanations on why Jenny, Juliet and Vanessa are all suddenly acting insane. (Not to spoil the surprise, but the answer is: "Because it's fucking awesome." Full stop, no other reason, don't need one, this show rocks, stop thinking and Do.)
"Nothing drives a wedge between mother and daughter more than Lily trying to cover up for Serena," Jenny says, and the two crazies nod madly like that sentence makes even grammatical sense. Juliet praises Little J for not the last time about her mad Krazy Bitch Skillz, and Jenny "explains" that she is taking time off from being a crazy bitch because Dan is a mental abuser but that -- get this -- "When you told me they went after Vanessa at the ballet, I had to help."
Yeah, all Vanessa did was show up at an event she was not invited to, in order to talk to a woman she doesn't know, about framing someone for something she never did, because she is essentially and irrevocably unlovable. How terrible of Serena, to... Be involved in that in no way whatsoever.
As an unrelated part of that last sentence, Jenny now says two more unconnected things: "Blair's pathological for sure, but half of what she does is to protect Serena. And she never pays consequences or takes responsibility." She in this case still being Serena, no matter how poorly written those three lines of dialogue might be. And not that the part about Blair has anything to do with reasons for taking Serena down, so it's like a little break from a list she's making. And not that she... Ugh.
Maybe they all hate Taylor Momsen so much they just let her make up her own dialogue? Or say whatever lines from whatever part of the script she felt like saying? I mean, I guess what she's saying is... Okay, I got it: Jenny was answering the question of why the NJBC going after Vanessa was Serena's fault, and the answer is that Blair is the root of all evil but that most of the time it's about protecting Serena, which means even if S did have it partially coming she would never have to weather even the partial It? Is that right? Why won't this show make sense. Why is every conversation in this episode like talking to somebody who has already taken their Ambien?
Juliet lies and says this is all about teaching S the lesson of "what it feels like to be an outsider," by turning everybody against her. Really what it's about, apparently, is teaching her the lesson of "what it's like to get murdered and/or sold into white slavery," but for now that covers it. Never complain, never explain your plans to sell people into the sex trade. My grandmother taught me that.
Jenny notices the fucking insane corkboard on Juliet's wall with all the pictures of Serena and the color-coded twine and everything, and instead of being like, "Oh, I see that you are a stone cold psycho my bad Abrams get your shit immediately because we out," Jenny's like, "Nice corkboard for a stalker!" Juliet snaps, "I just like visual aids!" and it's awesome again.
So: Nate and Dan are blowing each other again, and what else. Jenny reverse-engineered Serena's Verizon phone to put in a SIM card and then took that SIM card out and replaced it with a second SIM card after backing up Serena's contacts to the phone so that it wouldn't seem like a factory reset and but so Serena can call out but nobody can call or text her, because that's going to the second reverse-engineered clone which Jenny has also created. This shit just got real.
Juliet's overjoyed and once again praises Jenny about how if she stuck around the UES, they'd all end up working for her in a week. I guess by "we" she means her and Vanessa, but really what she means is "Psychotics Living Double Lives And Attacking Random College Freshmen For Being Pretty, Or At Least For Making Our Gay Boyfriends Obsess On Her Instead Of Dealing With Their Very Real Identity Issues." (This is actually what G.I.R.L.S. Inc. stands for, but it's in German or something so I don't know.) Juliet leaves Vanessa and Jenny monitoring their many phones and satellites and whatever so she can go get reamed by Lily, who has called her up for a second teatime smackdown.
In matching robes, with matching Siamese cat expressions, Blair and Chuck get matching pedicures from matching feet ladies, while they chat on the phone. It's amazing. But also, they have matching storylines, and spend a few seconds lying to each other about that before giving it up: Chuck wants to break their date, Blair agrees, and they finally admit that it's because C) KC thinks B is too good for his reputation while B) AA thinks C is too good for hers. Clear? Okay, but then, everything switches back again -- you're tearing me apart! -- and the date is back on. Oh, girl. Inc. Why you do this to me.
Serena walks in and looks at her judgmentally, because she loves being involved in the Blair/Chuck thing because they're the only two people on Earth besides her parents that she will never sleep with, and Blair yells, "You're the one who's black and white and read all over!" Which is a pretty good burn. But S turns it around and says that the only reason her mother had to murder Page Six and the Dean of Columbia in their beds is because of a secret relationship, just like the one Blair and Chuck are in. As of last paragraph.
"Chuck and I are not in a relationship," B lies out of one side of her mouth, while her hand snakes out and pokes the pedicurist in the eye: "What are you, a foot fetishist? They're done." Amazing. Then Serena says the words, "You and Chuck have way too much history to interact in a casual way." So technical, so odd, so Serena. They continue to interact, at this point, in a casual way: B will be fine, so long as she keeps her "heart locked away" and their -- casual? Semiformal? -- interactions "off the street." Perhaps literally; perhaps they have too much history to fuck in a brownstone vestibule in a casual way.
Blair asks, in a casual way, whether S has decided finally "on whom to crush." She has not, even though she said she did earlier in the episode, but the Nate speech about whatever it was about has spun her. She brings up Big Love and the fantasy of Nate and Dan at the same time, as though nobody's ever thought of that, and Blair says something truly bizarre: "Even in Utah, only the men get to have more than one spouse. Which I've come to realize is extremely sexist." ...Um, what? Polygamy will never be equal opportunity, because it equals sexism; it's a cancerous symptom of a disease we all already have. "I've noticed that women don't get the opportunity to purchase young boys as property, which is extremely sexist."
Serena suggests adding polyandry to the agenda for Guys In Real-Life Slavery, Inc., and we move on in a casual way: "But seriously, B! What am I supposed to do?" She explains about the whole E'sHarmony thing, and B shakes her head wisely. "Lists are for kids. Dilemmas like these require a meditative state. I find mine by watching Dorota feed the ducks. You can borrow her as long as she's back by dinner."
Serena chooses "the Zen of shopping" and somehow they agree that in finding the perfect dress, Serena will figure out the perfect guy. That's an actual plotpoint in this episode. So then S calls her sensei and takes off to find her Black & White Ball outfit, and a boyfriend, and reminds B once again that she's got something to lose unless she's very smart about this Chuck situation. Which is classically Serena: Not really picking a side, just biting the inside of her mouth and hoping people will be dazzled by her enough that they mistake it for an actual answer.
The board of The Bromance Of Yesterday's Serena, Inc., has a little meaning about their ridiculous plan: Dan will text S about his perfect Dan Date, and Nate will text S about the perfect Nate Date, and then whoever wins they will go on a Man Date and she will never come between them again. Dan Date equals, Nate presumes, "One of those weird movies that doesn't make sense even when you read the subtitles," while Dan assumes that Nate Date involves watching him play lacrosse. They are both right. But then Dan also says he wants to take her to some place that's full of poor people or something, and Nate wants to take her to Per Se post-lacrosse so she can hear the gossips gossiping about how perfect they've always been for each other. Because this week is all about overscheduling, one or all of these sixteen things will take place before the Black & White Ball. Workable.
Except, of course, for the SIM card nonsense. So now the Witches have received both those texts and Jenny has decided that Phone Serena will turn them both down eventually, after dicking around with them. Because this episode doesn't have enough moving parts, we're also foreshadowed by these apparently endless texts Blair has been sending -- ever since a second ago when Serena left the apartment -- about please not validating her insane paranoia by going after Anne Archibald's foundation? Not that they've had plenty of opportunity to discuss this point onscreen, given how it's one of the major turning points of this episode and yet has just been slipped into this scene carelessly so that later we'll believe that the unbreakable bond has been broken.
So while Serena has not yet even reached the store she's heading, is probably dropping by PRADA to pick up the boys because gays and shopping, there's been enough time to send all these texts and welcome Chuck over to discuss the other fifty things. Blair, who finds KC "personally abhorrent," agrees about the Black & White Ball being not decadent enough. Blair dresses Chuck for some meeting or another, and it's hot, and they talk about maybe doing a Saints & Sinners Masquerade, just like the first time Nate kissed Jenny thinking that Serena had become shrunken. That way, and this is smart, he can have his big dirty sex party like KC wants, and B will have ammunition to denounce Chuck to Anne and -- apparently -- at a tasteful dinner, the whole board. Which means, I believe, that each of them will be having dinner four times tonight. If I'm counting correctly.
Chuck sends a text to KC about changing the entire theme of his party, and GG, at the same time, and they say the following sexy things: "There is something alluring about an angel drawn to the dark side, "Or a devil redeemed," "A masquerade, where inhibitions can't help but break free," and like that. Finally they jump in bed and start moaning about what clothes she's going to wear, and it's so amazing. "My black Balenciaga would be perfect to publicly condemn you!" Chuck goes, "I love public!" Brownstone vestibules, they are for loving. "I love condemnation!" she squeals. "I love you!" Chuck says, and the record screeches to a halt for a second in a casual way.
They both get very nervous about that for a second and then she figures what the hey and goes, "No one does black like Dior!" And that gets them going again. Which, I love this whole idea for a story, the blurted three words, but we've spent a lot of time working up the whole KC/Anne reputation story, and while it twists things in a great way, I sort of feel like the I Love You thing could have had its own episode. But no, they'd still have to warp it all up with some kind of party deal so I guess it's just the amount of brain energy I've already put into figuring out what the fuck they are actually doing today that makes it seem so complicated.
Juliet wonders why Lily has her there for tea, what with the constant public humiliations Lily and her children keep visiting on her and the retaliations that earn them, but Lily puts all the "clues" together and tells her to stop being mean to Serena for no reason. "I guess that's the thing when you're not born with a silver spoon in your mouth: You wanna eat, you have to work." Lily goes, "Oh, ya hungry, bitch?" and then forcefeeds her a scone through the nostrils in a casual way.
Just kidding, she's like, "We all earn our dime. I marry rich old guys and then kill them, while you harass my daughter. I get it, girlfriend! But seriously, stop bothering my kid. She broke up with your cousin, I bought Columbia a fucking moat, it's over." Juliet grins and Operation Daisy Miller shifts into third. "I won't mention Colin's name again, I swear. If only he were the only teacher Serena had an inappropriate relationship with..."
Clouds gather, babies scream, birds dive into the street headfirst in a casual way. "The fuck you say?" asks Lily, and Juliet's like, "Oh, come on. We both know shit got statutory at boarding school before the first season of this show, and we both know my brother is now shanking the Captain and being shanked in turn because of it." Because Lily knows about Ben, and goes right into Rhodes Woman mode ("How much to leave her alone?") without even explaining or feigning ignorance, I think Serena doesn't even know about Ben and the whole jail thing.
I think that all of this, Operation Smile and now Operation Daisy Miller, is actually somehow Lily's fault, like she got Ben thrown in jail to avoid a scandal of some kind. Which is kind of great, because now it means this is all Lily's problem, because finally when Serena says "Why I don't know what you mean," she really doesn't know what's going on. Which is cool because it means they can do way worse stuff to her, in terms of story mechanics, because she's actually in complete distress this time and not assisting in her own slow-motion suicide like usual. But on the downside, it means we won't get another black-tears demon-face "I KILLED SOMEBODY" out of her, which everybody knows is the show's all-time high point.
When they get, mid-shopping, the alert that the Empire's party has changed to Saints & Sinners, Eric immediately points out that Dress v. Dress = Nate v. Dan now also equals Good Serena v. Bad Serena, which not only makes him adorably nervous to even think about but also tells us -- hopefully -- where Operation Daisy Miller is ultimately headed. Every year I get excited about Dark Phoenix Serena, and every fucking year her marblemouth ADD takes over about ten minutes in, but it doesn't stop me from hoping.
The teenage boys decide to attend the grownup sex party, and out of his odd robot brain Elliott pulls Sts. Bacchus and Sergius, which actually cheered me up immensely because nobody ever thinks about those guys. I stress about this so often, you literally would not believe it, but in the list of gay saint couples even though there's this like wealth of choices it's always "David and Jonathan, David and Jonathan!" They are the Prom King and King of gay saints. And if not them it's all, "Polyeuctus and Nearchus! Symeon and John!" Or "Badgley Mischka! Ridgeley and Michael!" Or, well, Philip and Nathanael, but probably Dan and Nate already called that one.
Juliet appears, as the boys are leaving, to call S a whore in a casual way and then mention that Lily is totally paying her off -- for what or whom she does not say -- and Serena is like, "Wait, Page Six is printing a retraction so for the five minutes I'm not an embarrassment. The hell do you mean?" Juliet's all "The hell do I mean?" and then vanishes in a puff of smoke that smells like boarding school and candles. Basically like the inside of Anthropologie and those Tory Burch outlets Juliet loves so damn much.
Thanks to the SIM nonsense, Dan and Nate wander around the entire continental United States looking for Serena. Hoping this isn't one of those times. But of course it is: Where is Serena van der Woodsen? Everywhere. Nowhere. Under a bridge, up a tree. Dining with dinosaurs, zooming far above the Ultra East Side of New Yorkicon on a jet pack. Meeting with her professor during office hours. Taking a train, returning on a train. Not with me, not with you. In flux, somehow with both of us and neither of us. Getting into an infinity of taxicabs. You can know her by her velocity or by her vector but never both and never for very long. Open up the box, who's inside? Maybe Serena.
Vanessa's all, "Serena's not here waiting for you. Do you want me to leave so I won't be here when you meet her here? You want maybe I should eat some fucking worms while I'm at it? Go do some crack with a Bowery bum?" Dan hangs up and says a quiet Yes to all of the above. Almost a prayer.
Nate calls Chuck to find out where Serena is, and Chuck's like, "What show are you watching? We don't interact. Ever. And didn't you fagging out in front of PRADA with Dan standing right there kind of freak her out?" Chuck changes the subject to the three little words and Nate's like, "Right, let me guess: You said Dan's name during sex. Dude, that happens to me all the time, don't worry about it." Chuck sighs a private sigh of relief and says no, it was actually the eight letters of fate that he blurted, and Nate laughs, puffing on his giant spliff: "Relax, man. Girls know that when a guy says that during sex, it doesn't mean I love you, it means I love having sex with you!" He hangs up and turns to the homeless dog sitting to him, begging for a bite of his sandwich. "Relax, Doggy! Everybody knows doggies love chocolate!" Turns his head up, up toward the sky. "Relax, sunshine! Everybody knows you'll be back tomorrow!"
For the meeting of Gabardine Intestinal Rococo Lavender Schadenfreude, Inc., Dorota has ordered Petrossian caviar and blini. Blair turns such a hard fucking left you actually have to rewind, but essentially she screams about the word caviar loudly enough that the conversation warps around them like Inception and suddenly they're talking about Chuck. "Since you badgered it out of me, yes, it's true. Chuck said he loved me while in a compromising position."
Dorota gets very excited about some damn thing or another, whatever, and Blair processes her fear that he didn't mean it into a relaxing acceptance of the fact that he didn't mean it, which means she doesn't have to think it or say it back, or that somehow Anne will find out that he said it and that Blair in her deepest also loves him back -- this seems like an actual fear Blair has -- and disappoints Dorota by having not said it back because, as she says, "I am a [waffles, plausible deniability, fatwa] and not a weak, sniveling Standbyyourman* who never runs foundations!"
*(NICE callback.)
Serena stomps into PRADA, setting all the objets ashiver with her powerful footfalls, and asks Lily why she paid Juliet off. Lily tries to keep this with the other stuff, the Page Six thing, and Serena somehow assumes that Lily was lying to the Dean and in fact thinks that Serena is a ho. Which fits the Rhodes pattern really well, and it's a shame we're glossing over all this stuff with the manic pace, because it actually makes total sense that Serena would think that a payoff is an admission of guilt. Plus, she's right: Just about a different thing that she may or may not even know about. "You just let yourself get blackmailed for no reason!" Serena screams, and Lily's like:
"Oh, because this is like the one time where you didn't kill somebody or fuck Blair's boyfriend in public or have a drug-fueled threesome or flash your tits up and down the European Coast or steal horses or get the entire UES into a Ponzi scheme or ally against Rufus with the man who was giving me fake cancer or fuck poor people on a jitney or steal my jewelry or get caught fucking a married Congressman and pushing people into cakes?"
How can she possibly make good decisions, Serena has the balls to ask after that list, when Lily disapproves of every choice she's ever made? No matter how hard she tries to do the right thing, Lily just assumes the worst. And what's so great about this show is that she's basically right: She makes kinda dumb decisions, but it's everybody else's bullshit that turns it into a massacre. Every time. And I can't fault anybody for that, because it's also feeling prejudged and fucked-with that brings out Serena's crazy, which is the best thing about this show.
"Yeah, I fucked Nate and ran through the streets in my underwear to a coke party, but I wasn't the one who stepped on the coke and killed Pete Fairman. Yeah, I was fucking a married Congressman but I wasn't the one who summoned the wolves. Yeah, I tempted everyone we know into the Ponzi scheme, but who was it got Poppy and Gabriel murdered? Big S. Right here."
Dorota and Blair swoon, separately and together, because that restaurant Blair and Chuck were talking about earlier has now come to them, by special request of Chuck Bass. All the luxurious food of whatever restaurant and wizened leprechaun that runs it, in the comfort of the Blair/Serena palace. Dorota, sigh. Okay. Dorota has been schlepping this romance novel around all day but it wasn't really interesting until now: "So romantic! Like in book when time traveler send sign of true love from future, and princess needs to get to grand ball where he is waiting. And if she too late, rift in time-space continuum close up forever!"
Yes, it's exactly like that. You halfwit. But it's enough that Blair, um, suddenly rips off her dress -- revealing a truly beautiful scarlet chemise underneath -- and heads off to the ball at the Empire, because love or not love, this time-space continuum is on a shaky foundation. "Tell Anne and the board that I've been delayed. And unless you want to raise Ana in Poland, don't let them leave before I get back." And because Dorota is slow and useful, she gets to explain where she's going, with a sweet smile and kiss on the cheek: "Straight to hell, with all the other sinners."
So I guess she's going to attend the party and then travel back in time to meet with Anne and the G.I.R.L.S., because what seemed to be many meetings with Anne have collapsed into one big board-meeting dinner with Anne. Okay, got it. So now she's choosing to do both, somehow, which means running over to the Empire in her underwear, possibly telling Chuck that she loves him too, and then coming back here to put some clothes on and apologize for being late to her own house, and interact with them in a casual way. Cool.
Serena gets back to her house from PRADA -- with, remember, no idea about the Nate Date or the Dan Date or the Man Date -- to find Nate and Dan furiously waiting once again on her steps. "We are breaking up with you!" they ultimatum, and "Unless you pick one of us!" they unultimatum, and then "By midnight!" they ultimatum again. She's just like, "Not knowing anything about your bullshit angst or weird tip-touching man-games, mostly I find you both irritating right now. Plus I have to think of a way to prove to my mom I'm not terrible. Again. And that's an errand, Humphrey, I must assuredly do not need your help with." They think they won, S could give a shit about it, she heads upstairs, they run off to the nearest brownstone vestibule in a casual way.
The Witches all love how Eric just texted S to check in after the Lily fight and confirm their dinner date, but since she's not answering any texts, this is where (see?) the clock starts ticking on pissing off Eric. Vanessa is tasked with giving Serena's "resume" to Anne Archibald, and distracting her so she doesn't notice it's completely empty. "What do I do if Blair sees me?" The fuck? Punch her in the face and run. Hold up your finger like a fake mustache, in a casual way, and start talking French. "Lie," obviously, is the answer. She actually nods like this is sage shit. Get It Right, Lunatic! Sheesh! (Inc.)
Because Serena's life is melting down all around her and her boyfriends are now threatening her to her face, she's decided to hit the S&S Masquerade with her gays and just forget it all and just get her dance on. GG calls this midnight situation very "Cinderena," not that you can blame GG at this point for the way she is, and helpfully points out with visual confirmation which Carolina Herrera dress she'll be wearing to the ballsquerade.
The Witches are horrified that Dan and Nate forgave Serena for getting lost and wandering around town, like that wasn't always going to happen, and then awesomely they go, "How do we keep her from making a choice?" Because if she does, I guess, she'll have an ally. In which case you just push her to pick Dan, or tell Dan he picked her, because his ass is irrelevant anyway. Instead, Jenny goes full Darth Vader genius and says they will do it for her, they will pick both boys, and this is how: "Take off your clothes and take out your credit card."
So now everybody's naked and everybody's going to Carolina Herrera and everybody's buying the exact same dress in the exact same size because they're all exactly identical. Except for Vanessa, who is ethnic and can't be trusted to do anything right anyway: When Jenny decided they should all have secret sensational names such as Alexandra, Veronica, Kimberly and Mavis, Vanessa got Mavis. That should tell you something.
Veronica and Kimberly show up at the Blasquerade wearing that dress on their bodies that look nothing like Serena's and wearing shoes on feet that can't even imagine feet the size of Serena's and their pretty blonde hair that looks nothing like Serena's, with black witchy cloaks over themselves so nobody notices that they are dressed like Serena and attempting to do something that only crazy people would ever attempt: "Anytime I can combine styling with revenge," Jenny smarms. "Plus, this isn't exactly my first masquerade party." They split up and head inside, wearing the scariest mask ever masked, which they've somehow duplicated.
Mavis strikes out for the Waldorfs' hoping she doesn't fuck it up even though she already kinda knows she's going to. Mavis wishes her name were Serena, or Serena. Maybe Serena. Or the name Dan sometimes mumbles in the hot sleep, the one that sounds like "Barley Grout."
The boys wish each other luck and then hug for luck and then a little kiss on the cheek for luck and then a little tip-touching bing for luck, sounds like a glass bell, and then while they're waiting in line they start horsing around and before you know it what started as an impromptu horseback ride turns into something altogether primal.
Juliet's entrance is pretty awesome -- she really walks like her when she's being her -- when presenting herself as Serena to the bouncer. Yeah, they have a bouncer. So when Jenny came in a few minutes ago and said, "That's me! Pre-Teen Sensation and drug dealer Jenny Humphrey!" he was like, "Welcome to the sex party, little girl! Have fun!" So now Jenny and Serena have both been ticked off the guest list.
Mavis calls from the Waldorf house, where she has no business being and apparently Dorota doesn't care, but at least Mavis is smart enough to worry that Blair's hiding around a corner somewhere about to stab her. Jules assures Mavis that Blair is at the party, in her altogether, and that she needs to fucking do one thing right, ever, and somehow get Anne to rouse the whole G.I.R.L.S. Inc. board of moms and society ladies from their cushy chairs and lobster potpies and head over to the Empire Hotel, where masked people are fucking. Mavis points out the incongruity of demographic, and Juliet on the flys to call it a special surprise by Blair, and to stop sucking: "You really need to start showing more initiative. Jenny's carrying you on this thing." Mavis.
Jenny-Serena tries to run away when B asks after her boyfriend, and Blair points out how unfair it is that Serena gets to have bad ideas all the time and Blair just wants one secret nice thing where she finds out about the three words. "I didn't approve of your thing with Colin, but at least I had the decency to talk to you about it!" she moans, but now that Jenny has her ammunition -- and a very good reason to get out of there before Blair smells the banishment on her -- she takes off. "...Well, I didn't. But you should!" B yells, and thus starts the clock ticking on the Blair part of the alienation.
Rufus throws up his hands and dusts his skirts and pops some pills and Betty Drapers himself into a coronary about how Lily may well be having a bad day but it's starting to seem like she doesn't like his Bolognese. She apologizes, says her daughter's name, and just like Dan immediately gets a shitty face working because he hates talking to his wife about stupid things like her relationship with her daughter. He literally goes, "I thought we'd all moved on!" Like that's going to shame Lily out of having this conversation. With her husband. About their daughter.
Lily spills that this isn't Serena's first teacher, and he gets right back in there again, cheeks ruddy with gossip, sitting down with his delighted, bitchy hands steepled. "Really? Someone at Constance?" Ugh, no. Boarding school. Rufus blows it off again because she was just a kid (she is still just a kid) and Lily says the worst thing! "Serena was never a kid, believe me." She details for him the basics of how boarding school was after the Shepherd wedding and Pete Fairman -- like right after, like twelve hours after, but I see your point -- and that ultimately she "found a way to handle it."
Rufus hopes that she will stop talking, stop talking, stop talking, and offers this up: "Well, just because it happened then doesn't mean it's happening now." To which I must respond: What. What may or may not be happening? We know what is happening. Colin is gone. Ben is in jail. Juliet got paid off for not spilling about Ben. Serena is not doing anything wrong whatsoever. This whole fight is happening in Lily's head without even the courtesy of an invite for Serena to take part. The stupidest of fights. And now she's stressing poor Rufus out about it! About the nothing that is or is not happening!
Boys are kissing boys, girls are kissing girls, boys and girls are kissing each other, it's a masquerade. Jenny-Serena (I think) runs up to Nate and kisses him, which is nice that she gets to do that if it's her. And I guess if it's Juliet, which I don't think it is, that's nice for her too. Everybody should get to kiss Nate. If anybody should have this infinite quantum disease, it should be Nate. Every morning, one kiss from Nate, for the whole world. Five bucks.
Serena takes off, leaving him in suspense about the ultimatum, and at the door it's Eric and Serena van der Woodsen, and Elliot Leichter. The boys head in, but the bouncer stops Serena for being Serena who is already twice inside. Oh, the pains of being quantum. There's some really good acting here with Serena where she's like, trying to be polite but also kind of offended and used to being treated nicely. It's like the best things of Punk'd, the ones where you're like, "This could go either way," but then the person acts totally delightful and poised and you're so proud of them. She finally sends the boys to find Chuck or KC, and is annoyed but not pissy.
Juliet-Serena runs up and kisses Dan, hopefully getting a handful of that in the process, and stares for awhile as he babbles, but then runs off before he thinks about the fact that somebody who has never kissed him just kissed him. So he talks to himself about other stuff and Serena takes off her mask and the music is like, "IT WAS JULIET! NOT SERENA WHO IS STILL OUTSIDE!" Up in the random catwalks, Serena watches Blair and Chuck steal away for a little conversation about their conversation.
It's very sweet and well-acted, this conversation. They won't give up or give in, exactly, but not for their usual stuff: Just because it's very dicey and they don't want to hurt each other any more than they want to get hurt. So Blair fills in all the blanks about boys just say whatever, and he's like, "Do you want me to have meant them?" And she says the best thing, with the wryest smile: "If they were true, I would want to know." But he just looks at her for awhile, because that's hardly giving in the way he needs her to give in, and finally her face falls and she's like, "Well, fuck."
Which is giving in. So before she can take off, he's like, "Duh, I totally love you. And the fuck you didn't say it back?" So she does, and they get very excited about each other, so they have to pull it back. On the one hand, Anne's not the only person who is going to think it's majorly weak, and gross, for Blair to take Chuck back. And on the other hand, there's no way for him to be Man Whore Chuck Bass and also be with her, because Blair's not that kind of girlfriend. So they're like, "Okay, actually, we'll sacrifice everything to be together." Yes they do! And then Serena calls their bluff and pulls the curtains down -- for the third time at least, note, Jenny pulls the curtains on these two -- and everybody looks up at them. Not even kissing, just standing there. Which causes Blair to yell at Serena, but isn't really a problem, just a weird shitty thing she did.
Serena the spotlights on B and Chuck while Serena stares up at them -- along with Anne and the G.I.R.L.S., who are wearing pervert trenchcoats -- and then Chuck goes, "What say we go up in flames together?" and he kisses her, and it's so great. But downstairs, GG sends out a whole blast with matching pictures of Serenas kissing Dan and Nate, and Dan and Nate put their arms around each other and Care Bear Stare at Serena for like a million years and Juliet grins evilly, and Serena... Your head would explode, right?
Even for me, this is odd. I walked over there, and then the guy was weird, but they got me in, and then Chuck and Blair were kissing, and now it's now. What am I forgetting? Why am I always kissing people? Maybe this hasn't happened yet. No, but Gossip Girl only goes forward, she's not like me. Or taxicabs. Linear time, how does it work. So I guess this is really happening. But why would I do that? It's certainly what I would like to do, have them both, but I still have to be in one place at one time. Well, one thing's for sure: Dan is going to bitch at me forever. I better go find myselves, because Lily's already going to be pissed that I bought one Herrera for this party, much less three.
Anne is at a loss as to how Blair, in her gorgeous underwear, can possibly explain this situation as a sign of dedication to G.I.R.L.S. Inc. -- which of course B doesn't know about -- and anyway, Anne hates her now that she was kissing Charles in her underwear. "Shouldn't empowered women get to have relationships, too? Being with Chuck doesn't make me less Blair." Anne decides to play Joan Holloway for a second and explain some incredibly basic shit: "I'm sorry, but it does. The man you're with may not be a reflection of you, but you will always be a reflection of him. Maybe not [fair], but the sooner you accept it the easier your decisions will be."
Blair is still having Jezebel-type "reality" v. "my preferences" trouble, so she's a little distracted by Chuck heading over to get reamed by KC, and then she remembers that Serena did a dick move for no reason, and goes looking for her. But I mean, if that were true then we would all be dating Nate, because nobody else reflects well on anybody. Girls, boys, indifferent: The only person on this show you should date is Nate. Until Eric graduates, and then oh man.
Serena is trying to explain to her boyfriends that she was locked out of the party, while somebody dressed exactly like her sidles up and puts roofies in her mask without anybody noticing. And so, they ask, how come "someone dressed exactly like you, wearing your perfume" and of vastly different body types and sizes, happened to be there to kiss both of them? She can't explain it, so fuck them. And then actually the boys make a good point which is that she already pulled this group-text thing with them from Paris, and then again with Colin, and then again after Colin, and has stood them both up before. Which is also a good point, and also stated in a way where she can't point to it as part of the conspiracy. She leads up to her grace note, which is that she has finally picked, and they're both like, "WE DON'T CARE ANYMORE" and take off. Which is exactly what happened when she got home from Paris, just without the baby or Rufus here. Plus date rape drugs.
Blair shows up to punch her face and Serena swears she didn't do all that kissing, and Blair's like, "I don't know, maybe you did! You sabotaged me and Chuck!" Serena doesn't get that she's talking about the curtain-pulling and thinks she is somehow to blame for B showing up in her underwear and getting yelled at by Anne, and then B brings up the other lie, about how she was suddenly trying to get involved with Going Into Rehab is a Last-Ditch Save, Inc.
"When are you gonna give it up? I don't want everything that you want." Blair puts it all together, rapidly, and delivers the killing blow: "So Anne, Nate, and Dan are all liars? That's a lot of people to blame, even for you."
Wooooow. Just walk away. But no, B tells her she is morally bankrupt and S is like, "I guess I am then!" and cries about B betraying her and B cries right back about the betrayal and hateration and S finally bounces. Right into Eric, who tries to take care of her and explain that Lily and the rest of them, and their poor opinion of Serena tonight, are not the problem and not a perspective that he shares. But considering it's everybody she knows and both boys she likes and her best friend, I don't think it's past the point of forgiveness that she goes, "You're my little brother. You're not enough." I mean, I can understand why it would hurt his feelings, and it does, but she's not wrong. Get Into your Realistic Limitations, Serena. (Inc.)
Still steaming, B heads over to protect Chuck from KC, but it turns out this party is so incredibly decadent and such a drug-fueled fuckfest that the "big romantic gesture" somehow switched up on them and showed that "the hedonist has a heart." KC wants her to do personal appearances, "Chuck Bass's Girlfriend at store openings, fashion shows, that kind of thing," and so apparently Blair adds the perfect balance to his PR and it works out great for him... But not for her. Blair feels bad, bad, bad and Anne was right, right, right, because no matter how many times you squint your eyes and stomp your feet, the actual world you live in is a lot more important than the perfect world you wish you lived in.
Serena puts on her mask to leave the party and collapses against a post and Serena appears in her cloak and puts Serena in a car, head lolling, drooling on her Carolina Herrera, woozy after going from being so many people at once to just one very roofied girl, now trapped in her quantum archenemy: The New York Taxicab. Juliet hops in the other side and they ride off directly into some kind of hell we never imagined.
Chuck offers Blair the Fleur deal, five mil for a foundation of anything at all, the Anne Archibald Sucks Cock Foundation, the Audrey Hepburn Memorial Militia, whatever, but B is throwed. "As long as I'm with you I'm Hillary in the White House, and I want to be Hillary, Secretary of State. But with better hair." So figure something out and work together, because guess what sexism isn't changing and we can do that, but B wants to make the choice between her head and her heart.
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