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Everybody's so excited about the first day of school! Except for Blair, who doesn't know why she should even bother if Gossip Girl's offline. Eric, on the other hand, has a feeling it's because she has something especially awful in store for Serena, and possibly everybody. Guess who's right? Guess who's always right? (...Well, not this time, exactly.)
First day of school means fresh new secret societies! Like Hamilton House, where Penelope (hi!) and Juliet (yay!) are legacies. I still have no idea how old Juliet's supposed to be. Anyway, it turns out that Blair gets into the club and Serena doesn't, but S knows damn well that Juliet's up to something, so it becomes this weird conspiracy that makes S look paranoid and almost causes Blair and Serena to split up, before they realize they are grown-ass women now and can actually talk about things.
Juliet's duplicity is revealed and, with Lily's help, she's ousted from Hamilton House and must console herself with Nate, who after three and a half months has finally noticed that he's angry at Serena for kissing Dan that time. Wait until he finds out Juliet's actually willing to sleep with him just to do some kind of bizarre conspiracy.
But really, none of this matters and was never the point because Juliet's deal is much weirder, obviously, and involves separating Serena from everybody in the NJBC, even Dan. Maybe they think she actually lives on popularity and will waste away. Maybe that's true, actually. But hey, if you're thinking Juliet's secret avengee is somebody we know, think again: It's her hot boyfriend, in white-collar jail, that we've never seen before.
(Carter Baizen victim? Somebody else from boarding school, as my bud Sophie suggested? He's about that age. Oh, did Serena accidentally rig a Ponzi scheme while she was in boarding school -- between all those "hot chocolate drinking" contests -- and this guy took the fall? Or is he somehow part of the Gabriel/Poppy story? It's so exciting! Pete Fairman was into drugs, but Juliet mentioned him tonight, so maybe that factors in. I would love it if somehow Georgina were still to blame for everything...)
Speaking of, these dumbos in DUMBO finally notice that Georgina never came back from the spa when Gossip Girl shows pictures of her sunning in St. Bart's. Vanessa and Dan decide to move in together to raise the baby like any good pair of Brooklyn idiots, even after Rufus's extensive medical knowledge proves that it's not their baby. Then Georgina comes home just rife with lies and crazy stories and takes off with the baby again, so now Dan has to live with Vanessa for no reason.
Apparently Eric has revised his entire opinion about Jenny and Chuck since last year and has turned into one of those overinvested hysterics who remembers a rape happening that never happened, so he runs to Rufus and infects him with four years' worth of self-righteous idiocy. Of course this comes prêt-à-porter in Rufus's favorite color, so no problem. It's not like Jenny's opinion about any of this matters.
There's a bunch of fooferaw and mess at FNO but everything works out okay in the end. Eva's totally fine with her boyfriend's rich history of raping, Eric and Rufus decide to show a modicum of fucking respect for Jenny's ownership of her own sexuality finally, and Lily... Well, you know Lily could give a shit, she just loves Chuck. So that's fine.
And finally -- after staging a fake fight for some reason that Gossip Girl reroutes to fuck with Juliet, who is stealing her thunder -- Blair and Serena realize that they really can have it all: Dorota's been abusing decorators all week to get Serena's new bedroom in Blair's house (Eleanor's house?) all fixed up. Which means everybody has moved in with each other except for Nate, who is somehow okay with Eva being the third wheel Chez Bass... for now.
What a fun outing! Stylish, clever, quick-moving and twisty. week: More. XOXO.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Gossip Girl is down, under construction. Blair is freaking out -- "How is my first day supposed to matter if Gossip Girl isn't around to tell people it does?" -- and Dorota assumes she's been kidnapped, because she likes to watch SVU while breastfeeding. Serena's excited, because GG is her nemesis most of the time, but Eric -- who has a titanic chip up his ass this week for some reason -- reminds her that this could all be about Serena anyway: Maybe GG is planning something spectacularly awful. Since Serena is the center of the universe, she's like, "Yeah, good thinking."
Eva slips out onto the roof of the Empire so that she can do something, it's never made clear what through her speaking-like noises, but I guess just to look at New York and try to figure out what she's doing there. What nobody knows is that, at this exact moment across the world, a random American hooker this French dude picked up somewhere is doing the same thing, because it's the same time here as it is in Paris. Chuck is scared for a second because he's afraid of losing Eva, but then joins her on the roof because the roof is his favorite place to think about ending it all. You can lead the horticulture but there's no shaking the French angst out of her. They fuck desperately at the edge of the world.
It is agreed that without Gossip Girl there will be no Chuck news, which suits B just fine. Blair tries to compare defcons by pointing out that S also has an ex "loose" on campus, because we're pretending that Serena dated Nate at some point, but the other logic hole here is that Nate goes to class. Serena doesn't care because she thinks they're still friends, and she also thinks that he's dating Juliet, which means no issues. Blair, thinking these are two tragedies and not two untrue things invented by S, tries to cheer her up.
"You are Serena van der Woodsen! We've been on campus what, five minutes, I bet there's already an entire frat house filled with guys fighting over you!" Once again, S must agree. Actually, she's not even listening. Her head, inside her head, it's like this right now. Blair assures her best friend that there will be no jealousy issues in this episode, and everybody laughs. It's not called Best Friend Girl, it's called Gossip Girl. Besides, turns out they're still doing Left Bank/Right Bank like in Paris.
B's all excited because she assumes they're getting into St. Anthony's, or what we're calling Hamilton House, a club "so restricted they make SoHo House look like a halfway house." Let's all bow our heads in thanks that a "restricted" club doesn't mean what it used to. Now it's just restricted from poor people, which is how the world works. "So they do have a Columbia chapter!" S says, paying attention for a sec. "I always suspected Nate was a member, but he would never fess up."
Blair, speaking from the bottom of her class issues, is aghast at the thought. So apparently, she explains as they head inside and this is Byzantine so pay attention, "Incoming students are selected by an anonymous board of alumni. If you dare to think you were chosen, you have to find the Keymaster on the first day of class. Either a key or white-hot shame awaits you." Well. A key, white-hot shame, or Zuul.
Rufus is dreading telling his son that baby Milo is a Russian terrorist anchor baby, but Lily thinks he'll take it in stride. This is because, truth be told, Lily doesn't really give a shit. (Ordinarily I would rail about stepparents stepping up, but when it's Humphreys? Oh darn, I'll miss out on the opportunity of being judged and/or having my home used as a drug front.) And I mean, you're 18 and you have a baby with Georgina Sparks? The Andy Dick of the Upper East Side? Yeah, see you at Xmas.
"Genetics don't lie, even though some doctors who administer paternity tests do," Rufus explains to himself once again. At the door, Dan is so happy to see Rufus. They have another hilarious convo about how Georgina's at the spa. As she has been for the last like year. They're not actually waxing Brazil, you know. It's just a saying. And I'm sure I could stand to soak up some rays before heading back to the high-stakes whirl of Gallatin too, but either way she's been gone a long time for a teen who just gave birth. Especially for a mentally ill one.
Nate hands the little black book back over to Chuck, who showily tosses it in the garbage as they discuss Nate's future with Juliet, the girl he is not dating. "If a good woman can change me, surely one can date you," Chuck says. From what to what? What is wrong about Nate that needs changing? He only dates prostitutes? He was one, that's not something we judge. I can't think of a single other thing wrong with Nate. He does hold a grudge, but -- as we'll see -- he's too dim usually to remember that he's holding it, which makes it fine. No, the only thing a good woman like Juliet can change for Nate is how many kidneys he wakes up with in that tub of ice.
Eva's like so thrilled to see Nate and Nate is like so fucking thrilled to see Eva and they can talk about how much they have in common, like how they are both Chuck's live-in lovers with no visible means of support. And how she used to call Chuck Henry but now calls him Chuck because Henry was a lie he used to manipulate her across several European countries. And then I don't know, maybe she lectures Nate about foreign policy or explains how generic drugs are developed or something. The important thing is that everybody calls her "IVVA," rhymes with "Well I nivva," because that's how you say it in French.
Ivva tries to make Chuck some croissants filled with something, I forget what, and he's like, "We have servants!" She wants to make the bed he says "No dice!" She wants to somehow earn her keep, because this storyline makes only slightly more sense than Chuck's usual storylines; finally they go teach FDR how to sing in his wheelchair and he's inspired to create the New Deal.
"Simone is waiting for you in the spa on the second floor," Chuck says, and leaves out the part where he's like, "She's bitchy because she's French, but you won't notice probably." And then, "Oh, the spa on the second floor isn't the one that you go to and never come back from, don't worry. It's just a regular spa like NYC ladies go to. Like my mom would have, if I hadn't killed her and then let her and my uncle manipulate me into selling him my girlfriend's vagina."
"Just tell Simone what you'd like to eat and she'll have it delivered before your massage. Or after. It's entirely up to you." This goes on for some time. "Or if you want it halfway through, you can say that. Or if you're not feeling like a massage, you can say that. If you want your muffin buttered you can butter it yourself or we can assign someone to butter your muffin." Ivva says something, we'll never know what, but it leaves Nate with the impression that Chuck somehow left out what a rapist he is. Nate also seems left with the impression that Chuck's name is "Henry."
Serena is put off by the Constance Billardness of Hamilton House, but of course B is like, "Everything should be like high school. Everything." Words you'll eat and then throw up discreetly later, my friend, because guess who's coming down the sweeping stairway like Norma Desmond, gun in hand? Good old Penelope! Her face has not lessened in amount of face since high school, so B should feel right at home. One word: Plastics.
Penelope makes fun of them for being has-beens, and B ripostes: "Clearly, standards have slipped if you're a member here. To whom should I speak to have you removed, once we get our keys?" Penelope points at portrait of her patrician great-aunt: "The wall?" Serena addresses the wall, having confused Hamilton House for Hogwarts once again. "Ah. Nepotism. That explains it. Now if you don't mind, would you direct us to the Keymaster and then get me some cashews?"
At first they think those two bitches that conned B into attending Columbia in the first place are the Keymasters, which B thinks is divine providence, but then Juliet rises from the depths of a tan-leather club chair like it's a fucking grave. S is nervous but B's excited because networking, like all social interaction, is something she's always thought she'd be good at.
Juliet pretends she hasn't met Serena, which is bold. You should never do that unless you're sure you'll get away with it. Like in this case where nobody has ever heard of you and you're pretending to be rich and yet somehow your time machine has made you part of this intensely private club, you don't rock the boat. Especially when it's Serena, whom: Recently they polled all the people on all the continents throughout history and it was 1) Mickey Mouse, 2) Hitler, 3) Serena van der Woodsen's breasts.
Serena immediately hates Juliet, which is nice to see, because do not ever let anybody pull that shit on you. Then Juliet looks down into the Tiffany bag where all the keys are chilling, and mumbles about how it's rough when BFFs show up together, because guess what: Only one key left. B is immediately crestfallen because she's seen this show, she knows how it works, but then what? Blair Waldorf gets the key. Even Serena, whose entire personality is about making sure B doesn't go ballistic when she wins everything, is a little pissed about this. Also nice to see. Right then, GG kicks it up a fucking notch.
"Sorry for the silent treatment, gossips! But everyone needs the occasional R&R, even yours truly. Lucky for you, I observed a sacred Upper East Side tradition, and had a little work done while I was gone. Now enough with the pleasantries. Time for the dirt."
Nate goes tearing through his man-purse, all the Hamhocks grab their phoneses, Eric's just striding about looking for a right on the streets of the city, it's a blast for everyone, while a Hot Chip song about paranoia laughs at all of them. GG has added one million things to her site including a Maps thing that tells you where the people are (think Gawker Stalker, except it actually works), a Video thing that streams videos, a polling feature, a little HTML5 Perez thing that lets you draw crude penises pointing at Dan Humphrey's chin, the whole thing.
First thing: Chuck got back from Paris yesterday and now -- oddly specific on GG's part -- is going to take Ivva home to Lily while she's alone. Because he knows his mother and her ways, Eric immediately knows the truth: Lily has invited Chuck to visit her precisely because Eric and Rufus are both out of the house, and she knows that while Blair may have set aside her obsession with Serena, the same is not true for her little men and their bizarre obsession with Jenny's sex life.
Dan's so sad he's still all "Why would Georgina do this?" Dan, forest v. trees. On the one hand, Georgina has left you in a pile of baby puke. On the other hand, nobody died from poisoned cocaine. At no point did little flames start licking up at the end of her perfect shiny hair. No threesomes were sent on USB to any mommies. Why would she do this? Because she was in a good mood. That's all.
Rufus gets a text from Eric about how Chuck's at PRADA and how "we" -- being the only two members of Team Hymen That Is None Of Our Fucking Business -- made it clear he wasn't welcome there, so he shuts his son down in the middle of a serious crisis so he can run back and bully his wife and her stepson some more.
blast: "Lonelyboy's Babymama looking like one hot mama on the beach in St. Barts. If she's flown the coop, who's cleaning up her baby's poop?" Apparently a feature GG has added is saying the word "poop." Which, don't say that word. It really just shouldn't come up at all; you should not even be in the position of having to choose between that word and a synonym for that word. Once that shit starts, the WASPs might as well start hugging each other, and then it's all fuckin' over.
"And what about Serena and Blair? It seems our girls have started their college careers with a social call to Hamilton House. I'm sorry, Serena, but this club is for members only..." The video, the shame, the madness. "But if B is the one holding the key to the kingdom, guess Serena is out in the cold." S takes off, Juliet bites off one of her own fingers and chews determinedly as blood trickles over her stolen blouse, B predictably shits a brick. Sorry, "poops" a brick. Blair poops a brick.
Chuck apologizes to his stepmother for the time he fucked her stepdaughter, pointing out that he was in a downward spiral, too -- it's just that hers was so visible, so "me-me-me," and his was so... Much like most other days when you're Chuck Bass. Lily takes full responsibility for not seeing the distinction, but best of all it got scowling crappy Jenny out of her hair, so she high-fives her favorite child and asks him not to skip out again or rape anybody else. He tells her about Ivva, since it's the only thing she doesn't know about his summer after Serena joined Scotland Yard and busted his case wide open.
Once, twice, three times Chuck tries to make Lily say that the rest of the family will welcome him as carelessly/hilariously as she has, but she puts him off each and every time in a loving -- and yet so Lily, so "plausible deniability," so "please don't make me say anything unpleasant, even if it leads to a suicide attempt" -- way, until finally he's backed her sense of etiquette into such a corner that -- Notable: "I'm not going to lie," she says. People rarely say that on this show, because nobody ever means it, but in this case it's interesting -- the only choices she has are: 1) Haul off and slap him and then take a pill or 2) Invite him to Fashion's Night Out just hoping Rufus won't make a pissy scene in public. Lily, Lily, Lily. Option #1 is so much less drama.
Blair chases Serena out of Hamhocks into the street and lies at length about how she'd be totally chill with just giving up and not being in Hamilton House because they are stupidheads and whatever. Serena points out that yes, they are stupidheads, but also she's not a total social climber like Blair and could give a shit about Hamilton House, which has only bitches in it from what she can tell. Or, in her words: "It's much more Right Bank." Blair kisses her full on the mouth, grabs a piece of thigh, and says they'll hit Sorella for first-day dinner, as a sort of last-ditch stab at respectability for turning her back so very obviously on her BFF. She nearly trips on the steps getting that ass back inside for some good old-fashioned hazing. Such is her velocity.
Desperate for friends, Serena calls Dan but he's running up his phone bill trying to find Georgina by calling each and every spoiled people spa in the West Indies one by one. She runs into Nate, but he's pissy and man-bangy in every sense of the word, and doesn't want to talk to her or start a pretend club with her or anything. He salts the wound by heading into Hamhocks, where he's apparently the sole male member? (There's a story there but who's got the time and anyway, you can fill in the blanks.) What will Serena do without her friends? Her three friends?
Paging Carter Baizen, he makes everything better. So yeah, Rufus runs home to yell at Lily for accepting a visit from her son, whom she's known since he was a child and possibly the only person on this show who even understands her, and she just tells Rufus to stop being a dick. "He's trying to make amends, take responsibility. What else is there?" How much time you got? Rufus has whining to spare. Eventually Lily just overrules his trophy ass and tells him Mama says Chuck's coming to FNO and if Rufus wants waffles to stay on the menu he better fall in line, resulting in this amazing piece of dialogue: "Well, Jenny keeps telling me it wasn't his fault. Maybe it's time I believed her."
Maybe it's fucking time you believed her? Yeah, there's a fucking revolutionary thought. This is so gross, it's such a gross storyline. I mean, it's real, it's gross because it's real, but let me see if I can explain. I'm a big proponent of "You're not old enough to do it until you can talk about it." But the other side of that coin is, "If she's old enough to talk about it, she's old enough to make her own decisions." Maybe if you hadn't thrown her ass to the wolves and Terry Richardson the second she threatened to eclipse you as an artist, I'd feel differently. (I did give Bart a pass when he did this shit with Serena, because she was begging for it.) But the fact is that your daughter's sexuality stops being your possession the second she has one.
The nuclear family didn't exist a hundred years ago. Neither did anorexia. Do the math, it's not that fucking complicated.
Chuck loves profanely the Carlos Miele dress Ivva has chosen for tonight, and for good reason: It's phenomenal. But anyway he has to go see his lawyer, so by all means buy them all because you clearly have no idea what a red-carpet fashion event requires, growing up in that podunk one-horse town they call Paris. Here's Hector Elizondo now to help you out, and a car waiting outside. At least in this scene Clémence Poésy looks at beautiful as we know her to be, which hasn't been the case heretofore.
Wearing prominently their huge key necklaces that signify their membership in a secret club, Blair and Juliet comes wafting down the stairs at selfsame Carlos Miele. Juliet says weird stuff about B living in the Hammy House, and B brings up the whole thing with Serena. Juliet points out that, for once and without any instrumental versions of Muse songs playing, B finally has something all her own. And she didn't even have to do evil to get it. "Listen, I know that you said that you had plans with Serena tonight, but maybe you can stop by the house for a drink beforehand? Inaugural martinis are a hundred-year-old tradition. And so are the eager-to-please college boys."
Back up and say that again, Sharp. Anyway, Juliet rides off on her broom or whatever and Ivva comes vrooming into the situation, smiling stupidly at Blair and saying something. Blair responds to her mumbles and instead of running the fuck away, Ivva keeps talking, something about Lily's party and a dress and I think coding in PERL, and finally B has had enough of her stupid goddamn French face. "Look. If you wanna hole up in Chuck's hotel suite and feed him croissants, that's his business. But introducing you to his family? My friends?" Ivva says some mealymouthed other-woman bullshit about not hurting Blair and she finally retaliates in kind:
"Oh, you're the one that's gonna end up being hurt, ma biche. And not by me. Chuck will soon realize that it doesn't matter if the dress is couture if the girl is off-the-rack. And then, as with all things that don't fit, you'll be sent back to where you came from... Oh, and by the way? If I were you I'd want to accessorize with some gloves. Not even a manicure can mask those peasant hands."
Just kidding, Ivva was totally nice and Blair totally went nuts on her. Which, sometimes that's fun. Sometimes it's called for. And maybe she does have peasant hands. But mostly we're getting eerily close to that point in the episode where Blair starts eating chunks out of faces.
"And the only thing we know about Georgina's whereabouts is that she's in St. Barts?" exposits the helpful Vanessa Abrams, whose crazy eyes are already whirling with the concept of a readymade family starring Dan Humphrey. "She took everything, Vanessa. She took her passport. She's gone. She left Milo, and I don't... I don't think she's coming back." Vanessa's toddler-dressed knees turn to water and she drops to the floor in a trembling, crazy clothing meltdown. If only Hilary Duff were here and they lived in Utah, she'd have the life she always wanted. So close!
Apparently when you're in a secret social club one of the traditions is drinking martinis and champagne on a busy city street. Wearing stolen designer clothing while the taxis and towncars drive by and some dude pees nearby. Juliet doesn't care, she just wants to know what it was like dating Prince Louis Grimaldi of Monaco. Blair says it's just like dating anybody else: You lie to them, make fun of the lower classes, have a grand mal meltdown about tuxedos, pander outrageously and transparently, and finally become so pathetic, hungry and power-driven that they're fully afraid to dump you. Then you hobble away in some shoes into some other fairytale.
Blair tells Penelope to go get her another martini, because she's back on top, but then that old albatross Serena van der Woodsen calls her up muttering darkly about how they were supposed to have dinner. The presumption being that Blair wasn't going to totally ditch and flake the second this all went down. Juliet tells her to keep their little meeting on the busy street in broad daylight a secret, so S won't "feel bad," and B lies to her at length in a way that makes no sense. S sits on her bed at PRADA and thinks about friendships. Then boats. Then scarves. Then back to friends, and their lies.
Luckily, GG is on the case and immediately blasts some footage of Blair dissing Serena, which makes no sense, along with a mean message about same, which makes the same no sense. Unless GG is a member of HH, which would be a FFing coincidence. Serena's head suddenly cocks sideways like at the end of Carrie and inside her head it's like this.
Nate and Juliet flirt at some FNO thing and she confirms that he is completely over Serena before he decides to volunteer for FNO, because heterosexuality can be complicated. "I haven't had to try this hard before," Nate says, because he gets as much dick as Serena and actually means it when he says, "It's refreshing!" Juliet doesn't even roll her eyes or Krav Maga his instep when he says this, because she is a grafter.
Serena stalks B to Hamhocks, just to tell her that being a bitch is normal for Blair but lying is unacceptable. Blair immediately apologizes for flaking last night -- "I was just drunk on gin and attention!" -- but once she mentions Juliet's influence on her behavior, and how it masqueraded as worry for Serena's fragile mind, Serena steps aside and Inspector van der Woodsen takes over behind her eyes.
"Juliet. The one who's dating my ex? And swears she doesn't remember my name? She's concerned with my feelings now? If anything, she's the one behind all this!"
Well, that's just conspiracy talk. Blair scoffs and immediately assumes that S is freaking out because this whole show broke and S didn't win one. "This isn't a conspiracy, Serena. Face it. Hamilton House just didn't want you!" S is still not at all sure about that fact, especially now that it is wicked clear that Juliet actually is after her. Then some girl comes out of Hammy with a key, who can't believe it: "My mom said I'd never get in unless I lost ten pounds. She's a bitch."
If this fat girl with the bitch mom got in, Serena thinks, Then we really are looking at a conspiracy. The chase begins. And with fuck-this pout already on high alert, who should come flouncing out of Hamilton House with Nate on her arm but Juliet, the key to the mystery.
Blair's evil weighs heavy on Ivva's shoulders as she begs off attending Lily's FNO party, wearing a butter-yellow peasant nightie and a Lily-tight chignon. As one does when roaming through the castle feeling piquant and wounded. "Let me guess. [B] took one look at you, radiant in a beautiful gown, and started shredding the dress. And your self-esteem." Ivva points out something to the effect of how Blair is probably right, and he nods smarmily. "That's Blair. She wouldn't waste her breath hurling insults if she didn't think they'd land. She reads people, senses vulnerability. You just need to be stronger than that."
There's some sort of discussion to the effect that in Paris they don't have roofs you can fuck on, which I don't believe for a second could be true, and Chuck says that in fact her utter weirdness about common human behavior is darling, because it proves somehow that he's above the constant UES shit. The last thing he's worried about is seeing her through "everyone else's eyes," because he knows she'll always be dumb and charming no matter what they throw at her. And then, sadly, he says two things about Ivva's character that he wishes hard, wishes in a sad Charlie Trout way, to be true: "It's the reason Lily will love you. Why everyone will!"
First of all, nobody is going to like Ivva for at least two reasons, Chuck and Blair, and second of all she is sooo boooring, and third of all, she talks like she's got Serena in her mouth. But they run through everybody's names again while she gets dressed in one of the many gowns from Carlos Miele, looking for the dumbest one.
"Lily. You'll recognize her by her mustache. Rufus, he's the girly-looking one that won't let go of Lily's hem. Eric, he's scowling a lot these days for some reason and his hair changes color more often than the straight boys he dates. Serena, she should be wearing two dresses to account for the amount of boobs but will be wearing less than one dress. Vanessa Abrams, if you hate her on sight that's Vanessa Abrams. She'll have with her Dan Humphrey and their Communist baby. Nate's the one that keeps climbing in bed with us, Blair's the one stabbing you... Who else? Juliet. If you see her, run. Bitch be sketchier than a prostitute ghost-nanny. If you see any prostitute ghost-nannies, that's Ella. Or something, I forget. Something like Eva, or Elizabeth, or Ella. I'm not a complicated man."
"You know, Elliot is the bowtie master in our relationship," Eric says, which is officially TMI. Although not unexpected. Give him a few years: He'll try it, realize it's a hassle and his heart's not in it, and go back to letting the other guy do all the bowtie work. Also of note: Elliott's at Yale now, which means he's older than we thought? I can't keep these boys straight. I miss Asher! Asher was a boy you could build a life's worth of lies with. And flexible about the necktie situation, if you know what I mean, which opens a lot of doors.
Rufus does not know what I mean, at all, so he offers to teach Eric how to tie his own bowtie, resulting in a creepy little stepfather moment (1) that turns weird when (2) Rufus says it was Lily that taught him and (3) nightmarish once Rufus refers to Chuck as the "true expert" and offers to call him in to consult. It's like fan fiction exploded for a sec. Rufus starts in about how Chuck deserves another chance, and Eric goes buckwild.
"A second chance, sure, but Chuck's had a bunch! After a certain point, a person's beyond redemption!" Rufus identifies, because after all Jenny's sex life is totally important to him too, and finally Eric tells him about that rape that didn't happen, that Jenny totally dealt with while Rufus was in the dark the whole time, and about which too much has already been said.
(Which is bizarrely out of character for Eric, but once it happens on the show that means it's not out of character anymore -- just poorly written -- because the fact is that we need an obstacle for Chuck's return to prove the importance of family, and that's all this is. And it's not the first or last time Eric will be called in to be a plot tool. There's just so many other ways this could have gone down that didn't involve Eric joining Team Idiot Patriarchy. Can't we save Eric for important shit, like the inevitable Tyler Clementi storyline that fits perfectly with this show's mandate and history? You know, something that could actually help the people that watch this show make sense of life?)
Rufus repeats everything Lily told him to think about the Chuck situation like verbatim and Eric sets him straight about how Chuck tried to rape Jenny this one time and therefore three years later when they slept together it was like an assault or something. "He has always been that person, and he always will be," says Eric, for no real reason. But since when has Rufus ever needed a reason to cause a big ruckus and prove he's a dad or a man or whatever he thinks is going on here? Never. It's not like they can call Jenny and get her take, but then, they already have her take; they just don't want it.
Never underestimate the fervor -- and I say this as the recapper for target="_blank">Weeds as well -- of anybody trying to convince you that you've been raped when you haven't been raped. Those assholes are unstoppable, because they're total ultimate Nancy Grace heroes in their heads. No skin off their ass if it's not actually true, or how much they're devaluing the fact of sexual assault for their own benefit: The important thing is the endless, pointless, unrelated screaming. That outraged paternalism passing itself off as the static, septic monstrosity internet feminism has become.
Dan comes flying out of the Brooklyn CPS offices in a hurry to get his fake baby the hell away from proper care and social services and it's all tics and stuttering and Vanessa urging him on, ever on: "All right we're leaving we're not coming back here Milo would go into foster care before he gets adopted which could take years and until then he would just be moved from home to home you know with no real family and I couldn't even see him if I wanted to and you think that's awful well there's an entire wall of photos covered with kids waiting to be adopted I don't care if Milo's not my biological son he's not going into foster care if Georgina doesn't turn up I'm keeping him." And the whole time Milo's bored and Vanessa's grabby snatchy hands are just crushing, crushing, crushing empty air.
Serena approaches Juliet with that ridic huge key around her neck and asks her if, in fact, she's not being an insane bitch by going after S and splitting off B just to get Nate. (At this point it's a little hazy, because Nate is not that hard that you would have to do all these dramatic things, but the real truth is unbelievable and the first thing they taught Serena in detecting school was not to multiply entities.)
Juliet admits that there were more keys, despite what she said, but that she's running late and anyway she just didn't want to hurt Serena's feelings. But pursuant to that second point, it might interest S to know -- and she's kicking herself for saying so, or is she actually relieved to tell the truth -- that it was Blair Waldorf who called in the last-minute blackball. "Something about a sex tape? With a guy named Pete Fairman?" (Hmm. Although that could have come from Nate, during the seven-hour exposition of Serena's filthy life.) "Did you really think that she was ever gonna let you steal her spotlight at Columbia?" Gossip Girl loves this idea, but S isn't so sure. And for once, she might be right. Blair's relationship with cliché has always been pretty self-aware, and pretty much all she's talked about, post-fountain tossing, has been avoiding that one.
Dan is going into hyperdrive about how he's going to have to drop out of NYU and get a nanny so he can work -- and "What if I get one who spikes Milo's bottle with Benadryl at naptime?" -- and of course Vanessa is like, "My codependence was BORN FOR THIS SHIT." Immediately she's all about taking over completely and being the mommy and taking care of everything, same as with Georgina, and anyway it'll be just like -- the highbrow Potemkin fan suddenly says -- "If Ted Danson and Tom Selleck can do it, so can we. Right?" There is fussing about which one is Guttenberg, as though they aren't all Guttenberg, as though any of them have seen that movie, because they are children, and before you know it Vanessa has withdrawn from school housing.
More Hot Chip at Fashion's Night Out, which people-watching I am not qualified to joke about. I see Diane von Furstenberg and Hamish Bowles and Charlotte Ronson. DVF because I love her daughter more than anyone on earth. The other two because they're famous. There's probably one million other people but those are the ones I know with my eyeballs, and it's Saturday night as I'm writing this and I don't want to put in the work, frankly. The Ham House girls are super excited to see S there looking for B, because they know it'll be a knock-down hair-pulling purse-throw of Dynasty proportion.
And it will be fantastic, especially considering Serena's wearing something that would get poor Michael Costello thrown off PR, just a swoopy awesome five-yard train with crotch action, it's amazing and one of my favorite S looks maybe ever. She looks like a Disney villainess swishing that thing around; factor in the neon animal-print matching dresses of the Hamhocks and it's a winner. But here's a thing I don't get: What is the point of all this really? Because here's what happens: Blair and Serena are fighting, and GG puts it on blast, so Juliet puts it on TV screens. But then the whole thing turns out to be -- spoilers! -- fake. So that proves... What? Even Juliet seems confused as to how this is her major smackdown.
I mean, the show is convinced it's a big deal and that S and B have totally shown her ass, and everybody comes to shake their heads all Cruel Liaisons at Juliet for trying... Whatever she tried... But the actual point escapes me. What did they prove, what was she doing that their little display has sent awry, how does Juliet lose, why is this the centerpiece of the episode? I've been thinking about it almost a week now and I still have no idea why it's such a big deal. "We fought, just kidding! BURN." It's a glorious strike for sisterhood and a great way to tell us how this season is about S&B 4-EVA, but why it's shameful and crazy, still not clear.
Chuck tries to introduce Ivva to Rufus and Eric (after pushing through all the "starving wannabes," as he describes the models) but they're too busy talking to Hamish and he gets cold feet anyway. He sends Ivva off to get him a drink and confronts the boys one-on-one, which is when Rufus yells at him for raping his fourteen-year-old. Chuck apologizes, not that Rufus is the one that deserved an apology, and tries to explain how it's water under the bridge, considering Jenny decided later to hand him her v-card -- which Eric knows, but Rufus does not and still thinks it was Damien who had the honor -- and not even Eric has a good explanation for the about-face. Rufus yells and moans and somewhere upstate Jenny is very irritated and smothered and frankly creeped out and doesn't even know why.
"As a father, it's my responsibility to make sure no one else's daughter gets hurt like mine did," Rufus says, and then jumps in his time machine to be the kind of father that says things like, "Don't drink a bunch of champagne and head upstairs hoping a known rapist will take your virginity, unless you're sure that's what you want. Also, carry a gun because boys are gross and awful and stronger than you, and looking for anything they can get. Your body is your responsibility and you have all the power in the world until you decide otherwise. Your mother's generation had to fight their tits off to even get the right to go outside and risk the kind of stuff you've been so blithely told it's your right and privilege to avoid, so respect their strength and sacrifice by taking the world seriously. The reality is, your safety is your responsibility. And until the very moment you're attacked -- like the one in six women and one in thirty-three men that actually report it, every year, in this first-world country we live in -- that shit's on you."
Rufus starts making noises about telling Ivva what a rapist her boyfriend was, three or four personalities ago, in a pilot where Eleanor Waldorf was played by a completely different woman and Dan actually made for a convincing high schooler, but in a last-ditch Pyrrhic attempt, Chuck plays the cad card. Is that her now? "No, it's obviously just another social climber making a play for Chuck Bass. Whoever she is, she's not with me." Ivva, used to these games but still kind of confused about their frequency, wanders away. Worth saying: Her matte red lipstick is phenomenal, even if a little on-the-nez as a look.
Hammies are all about Serena "going Jersey Shore" on Blair's "ass," and GG streaming it live. Juliet's all about that shit, of course, and immediately gets her 4G on. The dialogue, however, is worth reproducing, so here's everything the girls say while Juliet is marveling at it all and eventually putting it on the flatscreens all over FNO, and I guess getting served in some way. As usual, the zero boys in Hamilton House are all about it.
"Oh, you couldn't stand my stealing your spotlight!" Why wouldn't Hamilton House want you? "Yeah, while you were at NYU begging for middle class minions, I had a job!" You can't seriously be referring to your... "I learned a lot about the issues!" You mean your Daddy Issues? "Oh, like you're so healthy? 'I love Chuck, I hate Chuck, I love Chuck, I hate Chuck...'" And who do you love? Nate, then Dan, then Dan again, Aaron, Gabriel, Carter, Tripp, then Dan again, then Nate again. Did your father finally fix that? Because he seemed pretty busy giving your mom fake cancer!
Gor. Geous. I feel like only the Rachel Zoë/Brad Goreski creature could invent words for how wonderful it feels to hear all of that at once. My goodness. And but still this feeling that it's less about them saying this shit for once and more for this one long-form shaggy-dog joke that still doesn't really matter at all where Juliet gets served.
Some episodes I'd rhapsodize about how they're finally saying it, but it doesn't play that way. It just plays, like too many jokes so far this season, as a little wink to us the viewers. Which, the whole show is a wink to us the viewers, so the pandering handjob has a limited shelf-life. I honestly, I thought that last year's plummeting ratings would result in a fourth-year/pre-cancellation creative renaissance like with O.C. and Ugly Betty, and I'm not saying that didn't happen -- this season is fucking great so far -- but there's been more self-aware pomo dick-jerking so far than I've seen on any show with this high profile, in quite awhile. It's like the first twenty minutes of Easy A in here, every week. And I truly thought we'd hit the roof on that last year, between all the waffles and the fucking constant annoying Dorota shit.
...Hey, it's Dorota. Offering champers to Juliet as she pulls back the literal curtain on Serena and Blair on a chaise looking fabulous and chill, having set the whole thing up with GG ahead of time to... Still not clear. Prove that they're still friends? Which is a nice switch-em-up for us the viewer and, in a certain way that only matters to the three of them, a burnface on Juliet, but why all of FNO had to be involved or how it changes the situation? Still not sure. Her fake position in a pointless secret society is now in doubt. Maybe Nate grows a brain and realizes this is the fifth freaky game she's pulled on them in only three episodes. But come on.
Endgame: Less one fake-pulled-out extension, Juliet has severed Serena's ties with Dan and Nate but not with Blair, which is part of the plan from last week. The end. And this is how we prove it. But treating it like a total takedown... I mean, it's poignant in that we know, and revisit at the end, the fact that none of this drama is Juliet's actual goal, so... Nope, now I'm going in circles. If only Inspector Serena were here.
(I mean, the problem here is a simple one -- compounded by Eric's unexplained turnaround about the Chuck thing, given his believable reaction of "Gross, why?" -- which is that obviously S and B had a conversation that went, "So I know that you think this is my crazy head doing this and that I'm playing into all of your fantasies of one day overcoming me, and throughout this episode we've both been given ample reason to think that's all it is, but nevertheless I love you and this is a problem we can face together: Could you please set aside your secret gloating and then we can fix this issue as a team?" Major moment. And then Blair gave in, due to sisterhood -- major moment #2 -- and they went to Lily and got the whole thing straightened out and then filmed all of this and then asked GG to help them play a trick on the Keymaster, as a team. Which is the actual point of the episode. But because it was more important to leave us with jaws hanging, we didn't actually get that scene -- the most important part of the episode -- so instead it's just this hell yeah moment that is neither hell yeah nor particularly a moment. And there's no telling when or where it all went down, considering Lively played her entry with the animal-print Plastics like she was still pissed, so instead we're getting the end of the story and then the part that makes it matter as an afterthought. Sisterhood won, but we weren't there to see it. Just to gloat afterward, which helps nobody.)
"No, you don't really have the Humphrey jaw, but... My name is on your birth certificate, so I'm gonna be your dad. Vanessa's gonna be here, so that means you're probably gonna be the only kid at preschool who's seen The Battleship Potemkin more times than Finding Nemo. Let's hope she brought some pizza, because daddy's starving!" Just then Georgina shows up, five black horses snorting, her burning carriage at the groundfloor, and tries to explain to Dan that she wasn't being a crazy psycho like every other time, but in fact somebody was trying to kill her. Normally, that would be par for the crazy-girlfriend course, but in Georgina's case it's ever so likely.
"Admittedly, your ploy to blame me for Serena not getting into Hamilton House would've worked in high school, but not now." S agrees, saying she would never believe a total stranger over her mentally ill best friend. Juliet plays dumb, and we learn that GG did this as a favor because she "prefers to be the only one screwing with us," Nate walks in and mumbles confusions, and -- even though, as Juliet points out, the "secret" part of a secret committee means they couldn't know about it -- half of the board members of Bass Industries, being Ham House alumni, knew the Keymaster was misbehaving. "Serena has always been at the top of the list," Lily grins, and Serena takes her key gratefully.
Cute fashion people parting like the Red Sea, Nate runs off after Juliet, who has apparently been shamed out of this secret society but not by the gratuitously involved setpiece that just took up a quarter of their lives, but not before yelling at Serena for her "little show." Serena's confused -- home doesn't exist until we're there, remember -- because Nate's her friend and doesn't hold a grudge. And then Nate, beautifully -- It's official! He really does think this slow -- goes, "I guess it took me until now to realize just how mad I am at you," for her various pre-summer offenses: Kissing Dan while she wasn't dating Nate, and then going to France.
Well, I can kind of see where he's coming from because the whole time she was gone, he was doing all these insane things to get her attention, the hookers and pretending to date Juliet and whatever, like, he's had a lot of character development already this year just because of his many attempts to hamfistedly created drama, but: It's Serena. It doesn't matter. And not because you're both retarded: It doesn't matter because she wasn't paying attention, because it seriously doesn't matter. You were playing a game and she was on a different field, excelling in an unrelated sport, and you think that what matters to you matters.
But that's honestly how boys actually are: "I rode my bike past your house eleven times! It was like praying!" I was not even home most of those times! "You're still (500) Days of Bitch!" And yet I still don't understand or care! Could you just be cool like one time? "You don't comprehend love!" No, I just don't comprehend what your mental fantasy realm has to do with my actual life.
So when Anastasia's hot dad/doorman Vanyaderbass approached Georgina and took her to Minsk to get her out of everybody's hair, he vanished by the time she was on the plane. But instead there was Sergei, a Russian businessman who fucked her kidnapped teenage self to the degree of being "platinum members of the Mile High Club." Dan's grossed out, but as she asides -- and Georgina's asides in this scene are golden -- they did it on the ground too. Fastforward to Sergei telling his "loony" -- Georgina says -- wife Oksana that she was knocked up with a baby. Commence murder talk.
"So then you escaped to Brooklyn. But this is all just a cover, because you're really a Russian spy like those women in Westchester," Dan quips in a timely fashion, but Georgina responds with another one of the best lines, or at least deliveries, of the ep: No -- "I mean, not that I wasn't approached, because I was" -- she came back because three Borises are hunting her ass. So she needed to sell Dan out and make everybody believe that he was the dad, because he is nice, so she wouldn't be murdered. A central part of this plan being, I guess, sipping rum drinks on St. Barts. Dan has the self-esteem necessary to find this flattering, since she only did it because he is the nicest guy she boned in that timeframe. (And because this is one of his best scenes ever. He really can fucking slay it when you hit the throttle. I would characterize myself as a Penn Badgely fan. He is cool. Also, way to get the most adorable possible shots of Milo, in every scene.)
"When you signed the birth certificate, Oksana called off her Cossacks. You saved my life, and Milo's." Dan points out that she still lied and abandoned everybody, and Georgina tries to demonstrate growth. "Look. I was free and clear on a beach in St. Barts, like a younger, hotter version of Kathleen Turner in Body Heat. But I missed Milo. I needed to come home. I called my parents, and we spent the last 24 hours in an intensive family therapy session." You can actually see where that story starts to go Sparks-crazy and rot from the head place. And not because nobody is hotter than Kathleen Turner in Body Heat. Except William Hurt in Body Heat. Or Kenny Powers.
Dan protests G taking Milo away and off this show where a baby clearly cannot be, but she points out that he's not actually Dan's kid, so when fuckin' Vanessa materializes, since it's been five minutes, Dan can sadly tell her that yes, Milo's going home. Hopefully to live with Inspektor Pilot in Boston, where kids who don't matter on this show go to not matter some more.
Lily finds Chuck and apologizes as usual for Rufus's horrible behavior, as usual, and once again we get the catharsis without actually getting the catharsis: She explained to her halfwit husband how his daughter explained to her about the thing that happened four years ago, told him yet one more time that she's put the past in the past and wants to move on -- and did, approximately four years ago -- and Rufus once again looked at his lack of a paycheck and acquiesced, presumably with an option to throw another impotent fit, whenever the mood strikes, about any subject at all.
"I love you, Charles." The smile on his face, like a little boy: All it takes every time is Lily Bass -- who's seen more darkness in him than Blair, who's seen the way he lived and the way he was raised and always liked him just a little bit more than the rest of the kids, who still loves him at least as much as Blair ever could -- to put Charles and Charlie and Chuck in the same room, and give them the strength to look at each other. Every time, that fucking smile, like he's surprised whenever anybody could possibly. I'll keep watching this show as long as they keep making it.
"And if Eva is everything you say she is, I think she will too." Of course, Ivva is out on the street bothering random drivers with her blather, and he can clearly see her. She's not feeling it, because she thinks that him putting her off in front of Rufus and Eric Squad meant her nightmare was coming true, or that any words that come out of his mouth are like actually true. "I should've told you about my past, but I couldn't risk losing you," he says, and she's like, "You're fucked either way, because I'm leaving, so go for it: Who the hell are you, Chuck Bass?"
GG loves it because all she wants is trouble and truth. Blair runs into Charlotte Ronson and they kiss-kiss and Chuck appears, having told. "Apparently you met Ivva," he says with a heaping helping of snark and just a little affection. "Told you to come home. Never said it was gonna be easy." He's sad, because she left him after all, having told. Blair's not nice. "She lasted two days. I'm impressed," she says, about to press her advantage, but behind her is Ivva, coming back, coming in, and his face lights up again. It doesn't really matter where the redemption comes from or who sees it or who understands it. It's all just a story we're telling ourselves anyway. "It was good to see you, Blair," he says distractedly, but mostly kindly. And he makes his way away.
"I'm not going to lie," Ivva says -- is this a writer tic or not, because that's a common phrase but considering she's the only woman in his life besides Lily, it's interesting -- "It was hard to hear the things you've done. But I've seen the man you can be, and I choose to believe in that man." He kisses her, delighted; he brings her back, into the whirl, to introduce her to his family.
Lily. You'll recognize her by her inability to judge, having fallen so far and risen so high in her life. Rufus, he's the pretty one that exists only to prove his capacity for love. Eric, he's terrified of sex, and desperate to save the world. Serena, she should be wearing a medal for every time she's let a loved one hurt her, just to keep the peace. Blair's the one who would kill to keep us safe from every single intruder. My family.
Juliet's doing giftbags -- "Don't get into a fight at a party you helped organize" -- when Nate finds her. She "admits" that she dissed Serena as Keymaster because it suddenly hit her that, if S were a member, she'd be around like all the time. Nate's ex. Nate notes that this is sort of an intense betrayal for somebody that won't even date him, and all of a sudden she realizes that now she has to date him. Boo-hoo, villain. Nate Archibald is totally into you and you have to date him. They totally kiss and Blair, watching with Serena, gets her unfortunate wordplay on: "Once men have tasted caviar, it baffles me how they settle for catfish."
As gross as "catfish" is, I just wanna know which one of them tastes like caviar. Which doesn't taste great. Serena and Blair hold hands and run off, while in Brooklyn even bigger lesbians Dan and Vanessa have a meeting about their lives. Vanessa wants to know if they're still moving in together -- her sister's ubiquitous van parked downstairs, and all -- but couches it more as, "So without a baby am I still relevant, or should I go back to Haiti?" He hugs her sweetly and asks her to move in, so it'll be like they have a baby but with no baby, and it's so super gross but also totally right.
Back home Blair jokes that, as rough as the Ivva thing is, at least neither of them are going to Columbia. ("No offense," she needlessly points out, but S laughs.) Serena's still sort of amazed that Nate's so mad at her -- nobody, including Nate, is factoring in Juliet's influence here either -- and B laughs. "I thought the only thing he got upset about was a badly rolled joint!"
They both deserve better, and now that they're Hamilton Hamhocks, they'll find it. Which is exactly what B said when they went to Paris, and see how that turned out. Well, turned out pretty awesome for both of them actually, so hopefully the same rules will apply: Serena will get all the good waiter dick and Blair will meet a prince. "Even though I was right about Juliet, you were right about me. I did assume college would be easy." Nobody knows what Serena means by this, even Serena, so Blair drops it completely, because what?
"It'll get better. After all, you are Serena van der Woodsen." Second time she's said that this episode. On the one hand, "I am Blair Waldorf" has given her a bunch of strength over the years. And also, you have to know that she's still PTSD from what must have been a fairly constant "You are Chuck Bass" speech she had to give all last season. She's probably just pep-talked up now all the time. "You are a coat-check girl." "You are a cedar closet sachet." "You are my left little toe."
But that's not all Serena van der Woodsen's got rocking for her: "And you do have the best off-campus housing of anyone at Columbia!" Blair drags Serena into the room, which Dorota has been decorating for her since Paris, abusing decorators "while Anastasia was fast asleep in the ergo" and various hilarities. The room looks pretty friggin sweet, I'm admit it. So can best friends live together all year? Serena says of course, and GG -- also of course -- goes gay with it: "Rumor has it that S and B changed their relationship status from 'Besties' to 'Roomies.'"
As Ivva moves in, looking sketch for the first time: "Friends or lovers, moving in is risky business." Vanessa horribly moving into horrible DUMBO with horrible Dan: "Any time the rules change, you don't know how they'll change you." Blair and Serena giggling in their PJ's, like happens all the time: "We take the risk because the payoff can be so great."
But the truth is, we never truly know who we're living with... Or the company they keep..." So true. Also, there is no "Besties" on Facebook. I know, because for years my one dream in life has been to have my relationship status read "99 Problems."
And off that last point, where's Juliet going? Oh, no a little visit. A little visit where? Oh, to prison. To see whom? We do not know. But he's super cute, and he's wearing bright orange. "The guys were easy, but the girls are presenting a little bit more of a challenge. Apparently sisterhood is alive and well on the Upper East Side." But, they agree, that can't last too long. "Just keep your focus on not getting raped or killed," Juliet "jokes," and he's barely abashed. "It's a minimum security prison!"
On the other hand, this mystery boy is hot. "Even white collar criminals get lonely," Juliet warns him, and promises they'll get "it" done. "Trouble's moving in, and it's looking to make the Upper East Side its bitch!" GG rape-jokes, and XOXO.
But who is this admittedly sexy man? And what is his presumably sexy deal? That whole part was so weird that I'm thinking she's a sister of the man and not a girlfriend -- miss you/love you being common sentiments -- because she's not operating like a girlfriend would operate. Maybe a cousin, given how much trouble various cousins gave us last year. But I'm guessing sister.
So who in jail would have a connected sister like this? I am loathe to figure it out, because once we figure it out Katie Cassidy's gone, and she's sort of the air that I breathe. So let's just hope this whole season is just Juliet doing some weird shit at the end of every episode, and at the end she'll finally finish her corkboard and it'll all be some case of whatever that means Katie Cassidy comes back year. And the year after that.
week: Blair falls for Ivva whilst Dan and eventually Chuck find out she's actually a witch, and foreign-educated (Beauxbatons, '95) at that, so there goes her Teabagger nom.
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