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SO GOOD! This is such quality television! Okay, so the big big news you've already heard is that the threesome was the odds-on favorite: Dan, Olivia and Vanessa. All those "freshman experimentation" anvils were not dropped in vain. But what you might not be expecting is how realistic and pretty great the whole thing was when it went down. I mean, the setup is lame -- a "15 Things You Have To Do In College" list, a drunken gigglefest -- but exactly and perfectly college lame. Remember Purity Tests? Like that.
So that happens, after Olivia is notified that Endless Knights IV is a go, and she can't back out of it. Dan and Vanessa decide she needs to cram a whole year's worth of stupid shit into one night, which they do, and then home to what could have been weave-sweating nasty but ends up being sort of delicate and sweet and scary and daring. I am so glad they pulled it off, and can't wait for the fallout week, after we learn that the movie's not happening after all. Plus, hottie nerd is back, so bonus.
In other news, Jenny's preferred date for Cotillion -- a salty morsel named Graham -- is, she's convinced, key to locking herself in not only as the Constance Queen, but as the Queen of all the UES. Eric decides this is his last chance to save her soul, and gets all kinds of Humphrey about sabotaging her -- even collaborating with Blair in order to get a usurper into position and blackmailing Graham about their Camp Suisse hookups many moons ago -- but she eventually gets Nate Archibald by her side for an even bigger debut, upstaging not only the other Queens but Blair herself. B is, of course, quite proud of her. Eric not so much, who loses Jonathan in the bargain and ends up allying himself with the new girl to take Jenny down for good.
Blair and Serena's "war" ends, as usual, immediately: Chuck and Nate literally lock them in an actual elevator with some booze until they work it out. Eventually Serena comes clean about all the reasons she's been going nuts, and once Blair knows about the big search for Carmen Sandiego -- and Tripp's newfound crush on S -- she jumps right back into caretaker mode. It's touching, and the last act, in which B tells S to see Tripp under no circumstances, then follows her to the HQ to make sure she's not going to accidentally fuck the married Congressman, ends with B looking crazy and S looking like she's going to accidentally fuck the married Congressman. And back at PRADA? A letter finally arrives from Carmen Sandiego himself, although whether Lily will intercept it before S finally gets her closure is still up in the air.
week: Threesome disaster, more Tripp/Serena and Jenny/Eric drama, Blair writes a play (!), and Lady G. Best show ever for the fifth week running. XOXO.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why high school shows shouldn't graduate.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!"Bitch" by the Plastiscines plays over Queen J and her handmaidens, looking every bit as awesome as a forgotten Warriors clique as they stomp to Cedar Lane for Cotillion practice. GG reminds us of yesteryear -- when the steps were stairs, when the girls had plans beyond getting their knives out; when the dresses were white -- and what Cotillion means: "Couture, quadrilles and cutthroat competition."
The title of the episode -- beyond being a tattoo I may one day get, because it is my fondest wish -- is from a 1970 Jane Fonda drama, from a 1935 book that sets a dance marathon against the yucky world of Hollywood politics. The lady of the story is bankrupt in every way, just completely... She has thrown her sewing machine away, to use the Humphrey parlance. And the MC of the story is the most interesting thing, because he's like a cross between the Curtain Puller and the MC of Cabaret. He's real, but not real; he's completely terrifying in a way only God can be terrifying, in those kind of stories where God pulls the wings off flies. The Gossip Girl, in other words.
I had this very Gilmore Girls idea about dance marathons before I saw that movie. Like how desperation can be sort of funny, and the Dust Bowl is like this but it's okay because of Laura Ingalls Wilder. People whining about their feet in the same way they whine about their periods: The blood, the cramping, the endless cuddling. But that movie is like watching people in wartime, aging in front of your eyes; it's like Fight Club meets Melrose Place. Through that lens, looking for ways to justify your existence is a dance that never ends until you -- or someone you love -- finally kills you. The context for this episode is: So is Cotillion.
So Jenny's being a perfect jerk to her ladies, who have assembled folios and camera photos of probable candidates for her escort. One's too short, one's too tall, none are just right. One particularly hot one goes to York, which Jenny nearly spits on the ground when she names: "That's practically public school!" She spends a lot of time slamming things into her ladies' chests, just like Blair with the books a few weeks ago. I forgot about that, in all the Mean Girl memories: The shoving. The one that Jenny wants is Graham Collins, whom we'll see is -- for once -- believable as "the hottest guy on the Upper East Side."
Handmaiden 3 chokes out, "There's like this bubble of perfection around him that we can't penetrate!" But somebody's going to. "Otherwise, tomorrow night I'm taking one of your escorts." Jenny leads her girls into the dancehall, and the tables immediately turn, because those girls know everybody, grew up with them all, and she knows nobody. GG compares this city-wide event to a meeting of the Five Families (to go with an ongoing parallel in this Jenny story with Michael Corleone which I am not competent to handle), and Jenny's suddenly painfully aware that being Queen of Constance means comparatively little. She nervously watches the other Queens consider her, and nervously realizes she's going to have to keep fighting. It's a dance that never ends.
Blair comes bursting into the Empire suite where Chuck's reading the Observer on the couch, super happy: She wants to take in the Kandinsky exhibit and have dinner at EAT. Chuck reminds her that Nate is moving in today (Moving in? To the Empire, right? His Columbia dorm mention last week could go either way) and the two of them will be celebrating with another Lost Weekend. Blair gives token protest, but he assures her that he doesn't actually want to spend his weekend "watching women with tramp stamps work out their daddy issues"; that it's all for Nate. So I guess he'll be watching Nate watch women with tramp stamps work out their daddy issues. Much more fulfilling.
"Anyway," Chuck exposits that she's a Cotillion mentor, and Blair says she's opting out because Serena might be there, and he rolls his eyes and nods when she says she's conflicted: "It does kill me to imagine those poor girls stumbling along without my guidance..." He tells her to get back with Serena already, pointing out that she loves Cotillion, Serena, and doing Cotillion with Serena as well as things with Serena generally, and finally she admits there's a Debs & Mentors dinner tonight at the van der Woodsens' (I love that we're calling it that), and that S will probably flake anyway.
"...Or she'll be waiting for you, apology in hand," Chuck says, and slowly draws her in: "A debutante ball without Blair Waldorf is like a Tour de France without Lance Armstrong!" She calls him out on comparing her to "that man-whore," but I don't know. I imagine Blair Waldorf could give someone cancer if she thought about it hard enough. She agrees that "the charitable thing" would be to give S the "opportunity to beg for forgiveness," and sweetly reminds him, "Don't get too lost, Bass." I love Amanda Lasher!
Serena is at van der Bilt HQ, begging for a job as Press Liaison or something that draws on her five minutes' experience of "event planning, writing press releases..." and generally acting like Serena. It's the last thing that's the clincher. Tripp gives her the job immediately, barely even looking up, and she can't really believe her luck, but it's S so she finds a way to believe her luck. They talk about their childhood growing up and the scar on her wrist from "the potato sack race incident of '98" at Nate's Hampton's house, and they are easy and fun together. He is going to end up in the Hudson and there is not a hero in the UES hoaxy enough to fish him out again.
She excuses herself for the D&M dinner, which she's hosting, and he goes, "Well, we're here all day every day. But I'll see you Monday?" I love that. She thanks him for the interview and for their talk on election night about her stupid problems, and... The boy is so gone. That scary look in his eyes! Anyway, she leaves, and this aide appears and makes sure we understand that that job Tripp just interviewed S for, he actually just invented. Ugh, and he's political so you know the sex is going to be weird.
At the Bleecker, "Bows And Arrows" by Immoor is playing ("I followed every instruction to a tee/ But still somehow when I look in the mirror/ I still don't see me.../ I think I've found a reason to get out/ But how can I trust my best intentions?"). Olivia is kidding, but not really, when she asks if you can "get brain damage from learning too much too fast." Ask me again at the end of the episode. So they're talking about how "real" it is to be cramming for exams when those Bleecker nerds from the Masters Of The Universe society come running over, led by the hot one. The one that did A Few Good Men with Jensen Ackles and whose genius sister was the best thing about Best Week Ever, Bruce Rauch. Tim. Timmmm. You'll get it eventually.
"Please tell me that Guinevere will use the Unholy Grail to free Lancelot from Arthur's eternal torture?!" Tim shrieks -- and don't these movies sound more and more interesting every week? -- and of course Vanessa is all the fuck over it. She jaws emptily at Olivia's face for awhile, and O laughs and says that Endless Knights IV is not actually happening, and tells the nerds they're the same rumors as usual, even though one nerd says there was a WB press release about it, and Tim yells, "I'll never trust Harry Knowles again!" She apologizes to them and they slump off ("weird," she says, which it is, but also you're in the Bleecker) and then she checks her phone... Where there are a billion missed calls. In her absence Vanessa assures Dan it won't happen, then bershons furiously and hilariously at her textbook: "Though it would be kinda awesome." Vanessa writes fanfic and not the sad dumb kind but the sad dumb scary kind. The kind where Snape fucks Harry Potter. In his butthole.
Lily calls the debs and escorts to attention, and Jenny goes whining up about how she doesn't have an escort yet so Lily hands her off to the Fabulously Gay Maximilian, who gets through a whole routine (front handspring step out roundoff back handspring step out roundoff back handspring ending with a full twisting layout) on his way over there, and tells her not to worry about being so very far behind. Jenny's confused, since it's the first rehearsal, and Lily reminds her most of these girls have been taking ballroom since their feet were originally lashed into their distinctive lotus shape, and then fully tells Jenny, "You have your father's natural rhythm." Then Little J swallows a little barf.
Jenny shoves past some pathetic girl who says hi to her like five times, yanking on her skinny tie more than Chuck Bass at a peepshow as she goes, and Eric greets the girl, who is his partner for the Cotillion. Because constantly acting as an adolescent social worker for ugly girls is no more a choice than being gay. Her name is Kira, her crosseyes are barely noticeable, and she thinks the sad thing about all this is that she couldn't get a date herself. Eric is Totally Rhodes with her, deflecting any possible real conversation in order to make the social niceties as smooth as possible, but then she goes for his throat: "You're Jenny Humphrey's brother, aren't you?" He nods and rues the day this became his claim to fame, as though "suicidal homo related to rapists and prostitutes" was so much cooler.
Kira whines and jerks off about Jenny's amazingness for awhile and then Eric lets slip that Jenny's after Graham C for her date, and Kira knows him, and Eric makes the executive decision to keep Jenny from taking Graham C as her date, because... I don't know how this plan is really supposed to work. What, he's a van der Woodsen, it's possible that the whole plan is just 1) this, 2) a scribbly thing, and then 3) the desired solution. So he tells Kira that, despite the fact that he also knows Graham -- they went to Camp Suisse together, and I know what you're thinking and you're right, somebody got a look at somebody's Cecil -- they are both better off not contacting him, because Jenny hates when people meddle in her lovelife. Kira is so desperate that she totally blows this off and immediately texts Graham without even trying to fake how fake she's being.
Dan and Vanessa walk down the street discussing Olivia like she's their beloved pet, which essentially she is, while she trails a few steps behind making mad Hollywood calls about this and that. A student paper is produced in which features The Fifteen Things Every College Student Must Do Before Graduating, which is tragic in, again, exactly that Purity Test way that you can't explain to actual freshmen. (One of the things on the list that they haven't yet done is "Have sex with someone you don't want to see again," which doesn't come up again exactly, but I think I figured out that they never bring that one up again because Dan did that with Georgina, so it gets crossed off now. Or something.) Essentially, it's The Bucket List for gaywads like Vanessa Abrams.
Olivia gets off the phone and reports that her parents, manager and three agents are flying in from LA on Monday to force her into doing EKIV: "It's like The Sopranos, but with bagels." What is this, seven episodes? She has yet to land a single line. That's worse than Aaron Rose's batting average. How sad. Anyway, if she's doing the movie they better whisk her away and show her what college is "really" like, for "real" college kids just like them. Only Dan and Vanessa could manage to hoodwink themselves with some kind of Tweeterbooking Dove Soap teen-spirit O Pioneers branding scheme.
(God, remember that Daria episode after we decided to hate Jane Pratt because aliens had taken over her body and she was no longer authentic? And Jane Pratt came to Daria's high school to find out what "real" people were doing and I don't know, Daria probably made her drink paint thinner or something -- I only really cared about Tiffany and Quinn -- although I just recovered a precious memory of my Dad getting drunk enough to admit once that he'd always wanted to bone Jane Lane. And anyway, does this entire paragraph make me Rufus Humphrey?)
And so this is really great, but kind of complicated. Basically this show usually pulls one interesting music trick each week, like it'll have some song that hearkens back to a song (commencement/first day of college), or an instrumental song that normally has very important lyrics (Yale Dean's party), or a song that always cues certain shit ("One Week Of Danger" and "URA Fever," obviously), or that is literally about one situation but plays in the parallel situation, or a cover and usage that reverse the meaning of the original song, etc. And I usually go on and on about it, because it's awesome. But in this episode, all of those things happen.
You thought it might be okay
Between you and him
Between me and you
You felt it might be better to change your life
But not tonight
I want to figure it out before it's too late
Before you find out how you really feel
...Is what the words would say if this weren't a spare piano version of the song "I Am Down," by the Plastiscines, which also makes in-story sense because they'll be dancing to it at Cotillion. And obviously the words of this song are about the upcoming threesome, which the threesome is now only practicing just like Jenny is practicing her dance moves to this song, painfully, in the back hallway at Cedar Lane. But additionally, they will end up applying to her own threesome, with Eric and Jonathan, which is more of a quadrille because you also have Kira in there, and all of them are mirroring each other's steps to this song. Either way she doesn't know the steps; either way, it's a dance that never stops.
Eric appears and is smug about how Jenny can't dance, and she whines for a second before admitting she is once again out of her league. "You'd think that it would be enough to just be the Queen of Constance, but no, then you have to be the Queen of the entire Upper East Side, which means having the perfect escort, and..." She laughs about how she's going to make a Humphrey of herself and Eric agrees that it's likely, but then she pulls a classic Jenny and melts his heart, ankle-dips provided free of charge: "You know, I really thought that if I made the perfect debut, people would finally forget that I'm just a Brooklyn nobody." She feels visibly dumb enough that he finally relents and offers to help her learn.
"Eric, you don't have to be nice to me. I've been so awful to you and Jonathan!" he agrees that it's true, but then says the words that damn everyone on this show eventually: "But I'm a better person than you are." They make up and start practicing the one dance she'll have to know, and she says wistfully that she wishes he could be her escort, because then at least it would be fun. He thinks for a second and then suggests Jonathan. "He's not Graham Collins, but he is a Whitney. Debuting with Gertrude Whitney's great-grandson will count for a lot with the deb ball crowd." He assures her that Jonathan will go through with it once Eric's pulled a Rhodes on him, and she caresses his face and runs off to tell the girls to drop the search. But left alone with her phone, Eric intercepts a text from Graham himself offering to go together, and texts back that it's taken care of.
I've got you underneath my skin
Can't think of how I let you in
...I can't believe I let you take a part of me
"Underneath My Skin" by Stella Project plays over Blair's meeting that night with Serena at the Debs & Mentors dinner at PRADA, because that makes the most sense. Serena rolls her eyes -- wearing, of course, a black asymmetrical toga dress -- and greets Blair curtly. "Serena. Anything you want to say to me?" Serena welcomes her sharply, and Blair pushes for more, but S isn't giving up yet: "Well, there's a list of debs and their mentors on the coffee table. You can find out who Lily assigned you to. My deb's right here. Right, Jenny?" Blair immediately shits all over that -- "It's just a shame. You know how I feel about your potential" -- and Jenny rolls her eyes, because of course it's all about Blair.
Serena asks Blair to leave off for tonight, but Blair points out that she has given S the chance to apologize. Serena says that B has the same chance, and Blair points out -- read the Waldorf subtext already -- that her apology is implicit in the fact that she's at Serena's house. Which honestly should solve the problem, but then Jenny's all, "You're right, I don't need this shit," and Blair changes the subject to Jenny's escort: "Your stepbrother's boyfriend?" Jenny is properly ashamed.
"Do you remember who my escort was?" Of course we do, Blair. It was Nate. "Jenny, when you descend those stairs tomorrow night, everyone there will judge you, based on that moment, for the rest of your life. This is not like your wedding day, Cotillion only happens once!" Ha! Serena and Jenny are amazed by Blair for a bit, and then Blair ticks off her shortcomings: 1) The whole Brooklyn misfortune, 2) B+ escort, and 3) Finally topping it off "with a mentor who's known more for her mug shots and topless photos in Ibiza than her social graces." Serena sort of loves all of this, because Blair is insane, but eventually bounces because she doesn't want Jenny to be a pawn either. She offers Jenny to Blair, and says she didn't want to play anyway: "Actually, I'm working for Congressman Tripp van der Bilt, and I should get back to that." Her eyes get a little testy: "But you have fun tonight," she says condescendingly from Grownup Club seats: "These are probably the last people in New York who still think you matter." Hat trick! Blair takes the hit, which is three valid points in a row you must admit, and drags Jenny away by the face.
Meanwhile Jonathan is being dragged into PRADA by Eric, begging not to have to take Jenny to Cotillion even though she feels bad about everything on Halloween. "Great! She should feel bad!" Eric swears that Jenny's still only at the tipping point: "She's not Darth Vader yet, she could still stay Anakin." Jonathan sighs, hit with a dork logic fatality, and assents only so long as she's really into it. Eric lies and promises that she is, and Jonathan stupidly trusts him. So you've got Eric and Jonathan poised as the angels on Jenny's shoulders, and Eric is Blair is the sewing machine, and Jonathan's saying she's already gone and they should just shoot her, but what's really going on is that the angels are really on Eric's shoulders, because he's pulling a Vanessa right now and getting his hands dirty to help a Humphrey, and that means he is going to end up paying full price.
Tripp's all alone in the HQ on the floor working on a speech (school lunches, teacher salaries, term limits) when Serena comes running in dressed like a lieutenant in the Rhythm Nation 1812 civilian army, carrying a foil-wrapped dinner for him. "I'll take real politics over the ones at Cotillion any night. Joe Wilson has nothing on Blair Waldorf!" she says brightly, totally committed to "working" even though it's a Friday night. He starts showing her the notes but his tie nearly drops in the meal she brought him, and she helps him out with that and they get all kissy-face and then the aide from earlier shows up to make it all awkward, and then Tripp feels like a complete douche/exploiter and tells Serena to go home. And because S is either just dumb today or willfully ignoring the implications of this whole thing -- hint: B -- she honestly is like, "Well, okay!" and clomps out of there again. I don't know if it's the slow-burn or the moral propping he's gotten this year or what, but I think Tripp is my favorite person ever put in this position on this show. I feel like no matter what happens he'll be teflon and we'll just be like, "Oh, Tripp, you tragic son of a gun." But I mean, nobody survives Serena. She is a point-blank hot mess.
Stella Project's still playing at PRADA when Kira -- in a puffy-sleeved black gown that makes her unfortunate resemblance to Mac in Napoleon Dynamite all the more glaring -- gets the balls to approach Jenny, who is ultracool with her. "Sure, I've seen you around," she smiles, which Kira pathetically pronounces "awesome" before going on to say that she's so lucky to have Blair as her mentor and thus her life is perfect and so of course she didn't need Graham Collins, obviously on the way to claiming that hookup as her handiwork to get intentions points, but Jenny is like, "Bitch, what?". Kira quickly explains that she got Graham to ask Jenny, but then Jenny told him no thanks, and mentions Eric's name, and Jenny shoves her out a window on her way to freaking out on Eric on the other side of the room.
Eric "explains" that he texted Graham because if Jenny'd had the chance to go with Graham, she would "make the wrong choice." I don't know what that means; what it means to Jonathan is that it's time to peace. Blair comes running up and tells them -- "Mentee and Mentee's stepbrother-slash-escort's boyfriend!" -- to cram it because they're making a scene. Jonathan is way gone by this point. Blair is looking great, by the way, with soft hair and a ruffly dress and a nearly invisible headband. Jenny tattles that Eric was sabotaging her, and Eric says he was trying to save her. "I don't know why everybody loves Graham so much, I went to camp with the guy, and he's a... he's a creep!" Oh, summer camp. But Jenny is vindicated by this because it means Eric could have gotten her the date the whole time, which means Eric is no good and can fuck himself.
Jenny assures the group at large that she's taking Graham, and as Blair desperately tries to keep tonight about her and her guidance -- "I'll allow it" -- Jenny realizes she's just been granted access to even greater power: "Actually, Blair, since I'm Queen of Constance and Graham Collins wants to be my escort, I don't think I need you as my mentor anymore."
He was a faith healer.... I was the one he healed. I was the shill, to set the crowd up:
"Walk, my boy. When I lay my hands on you, you will walk."
Sodden old bastard. He thought it was him they believed in, but it was me.
Everybody's amazed, and Blair goes smiley-cold: "Jenny, you're lucky to have me. Don't push it," she says sweetly, but Jenny's got the crazy eyes: "Your era's over. And so is that headband." The whole earth shakes and quakes and gravity shifts and everything, and Kira desperately tries to get back in there, gamely offering to call Graham for her, and Jenny is like, "I am Zuul now, I will call him myself."
Eric's eyes start to glow with evil and he and Blair lock hands like the Wonder Twins and start communicating psychically about how they are going to kill Jenny's ass and it's just like The Craft and Kira's hair stands on end and Blair is some amount of hurt and some amount of appalled and then only the rage and then the three of them are just a storm of hatred and destruction aimed right at Jenny's stupid ass.
How crazy is Blair right now? Crazy enough that when she shows up at the Empire the morning, she is in the full -- and I mean full, down to the plaited side-queue -- Holly Golightly. It's maybe the scariest thing -- camel trench, casual pony -- because not only is it pitch-perfect, but it's also from the end of the movie, when she's running through the rain. Last time Blair dreamt that scene it was because society was being yanked out of her hands at gunpoint. So my question to you is: As wonderful as being Empress is, it's not just Constance she's giving up, is it?
Jenny replacing Blair at Cotillion isn't about being Queen, it's about every single time Blair's tried and failed to be that girl. Eleanor has set the bar so impossibly and confusingly high -- marry well but not for money, be a deb but not a socialite -- that any social failure is more than failure. Jenny deliberately and publicly severing the lineage last night means she has no in for the generation of royalty. Ultimately Blair's entire Mean Girl life has been about playing that doyenne role, being the most mature and the most sophisticated, being in Grownup Club just enough to hold it over everybody else's head. But getting stranded in the real world? How long you think the Empire's going to compensate for that?
And the suite too is a disaster, panties and naked sleeping girls, and Chuck sitting in the middle of it, looking pristine in his pajamas and robe, drinking his coffee. Nate's basically fully dressed, too, pouring himself a coffee as a stripper retrieves her pants from near the window. Blair telegraphs Chuck the particulars of last night's unsuccessful encounter with Serena before asking brightly, "Is that pole artist wearing my Agent Provocateur corset?" Chuck slowly opens his mouth to answer, but she cuts him off: "Just make sure she's careful undoing the eyehooks. They pinch!" She heads off in her Total Audrey, and Chuck shivers from way down in there.
"The last time I saw Blair that freakishly calm..." he says, and Nate finishes his sentence (he loves it when they finish each other's sentences): "Was when Serena left for boarding school." And it won't last. "And when it breaks," Chuck says, standing, "There are going to be pieces of Blair all over the wall. And I really don't want to clean up that mess." As he retrieves Blair's phone from her purse and slips it into his robe, Nate shakes his head muzzily. "What are she and Serena fighting about this time?" Basically, Chuck explains, How each one loves the other more than the other loves her. "Can you even fight about that?"
Yeah, you can. You, and all your friends. Every week if you want. It's called Gossip Girl, and it's awesome, forever and ever, amen. But the question is, can anybody on this show ever fight about anything else? And the answer to that question is No, because that's all we're ever fighting about. You walk away from the fights you don't care about winning. I know about two things: War, and stories. Every story is about resolving conflict. If you engage in the conflict, it's because you want the story to continue. The narrative still has you. It takes two to tango, and that's a dance that never ends. "You might want to ring housekeeping," Blair burbles, "Chocolate leaves a stain. Toodles!" And the smile Chuck beams at her is so loving, I got a little overwhelmed.
Serena's leaving a note on Tripp's desk when he comes in, and he's totally creepy and weird with her and pulling the whole "You report to Brian, not me, I don't have time to chat, I'm at work" thing, whatever it takes to reestablish the boundaries, and finally Serena is just like, "What's the deal?" She's intuitive about boundaries. When the cartoon sweat drops start flying off his face and he Jimmy Stewarts about how this was all a terrible idea, she gets frustrated. In his face, actually, is what she gets: "Tripp, I'm sorry, but you're the one who asked me to come in for the interview. If you didn't want me working here, then why would you do that?" Which is as close to a dare as a Rhodes woman will offer, but also a valid question.
Tripp gets crazy eyes and immediately breaks into Act II of their little pas de deux: "I find you smart and charming! And I wanted to help you out! But having you here! I did not realize how much it would affect me!" Serena takes three giant steps back and realizes she is in Troubletown, and backs slowly away as he begs her to stay, but she's saved by a text: "I'm so sorry. Let's not fight anymore. Miss you. - B." She puts the phone away and bounces quickly while giving him shushy horse-calming noises about it, and finally exits, and Tripp feels grody some more.
I may not know a winner when I see one, but I sure as hell can spot a loser.
Kira's confused, in Blair's bathroom, as to why she's getting a Queen makeover. "To become Queen, you must take down the Queen." Poor Kira protests she just wants to be friends with Jenny, who is fairly awesome no matter what, and Blair stares hard at the guy dyeing her hair until he finally leaves. "I used to have a friend like Jenny. She was beautiful, fabulous, and she let me make all these sacrifices for her. And you know what I got back in that investment? Zero. Because girls like her run emotional Ponzi schemes. Serena will never like you the way you like her!" Kira reminds her that we're talking about Jenny, and B blows it off. "Details. Now are you ready to be Queen, or do I need to find a new frog?" Kira smiles and nods, and looks young and sweet and totally endangered.
I don't want to ask you if you don't have to ask meIf you can't talk to me, then who you talking to?
The very pretty "Questions And Panthers" by One For The Team as everybody gets ready. Lots of lip gloss and makeup and jewelry, everybody fixing everybody else up. It's fun. Dressing up is fun. The angles flip back and forth between Jenny's group and Blair supervising Kira's preparations. It's all jeweltones this year, they look great. GG springs the news about Jenny's new escort, and assures the ladies of the UES that they'll be kissing her ring by the end of the night. And Jenny looks in the mirror, feeling nuts and once again completely out of control, and puts the gun to her head: "Goodbye, Jenny from Brooklyn."
Are you willing to try? Are you willing to try?
Because I know it's hard to make it on your own
"Somebody To Love" by Leighton Meester, with Robin Thicke (Awesomely: "I'ma turn this gossip girl into a woman") plays over a terrible dorm party: Keg stands, children dancing. Olivia, Dan and Vanessa take jewel-toned shots: Red, Green and Blue. (Hint!) Vanessa watches Dan put a lime in Olivia's mouth without using his hands, and they all shudder from the alcohol. Olivia smergs, "This is even more amazing than dancing in the fountain!" and, not to be outdone in dorkiness, Dan does an amazing dance while she answers her phone: "Don't do any mind-altering substances without me!" They agree, and Dan spins around, and they gad about and talk about whether or not it's going to work and keep Olivia from leaving, and then Tim.
"I knew you were trouble, Humphrey. You're trying to get Olivia to abandon her calling as Queen of the Undead!" Vanessa drunkenly gets in Tim's face about how Morgana could never take over Camelot, and Dan tells her to chill, and Vanessa apologizes for dorking out but continues: "Lancelot wouldn't let that happen, would he?" Tim yells at Dan that if the realm falls into the wrong hands, it's on Dan's head, and they threaten to hack Dan's credit rating, and then run off screaming, "Nice v-neck!" Which is amazing. So Dan is appalled because they're a different breed of dork than he is, and internecine dork conflict is why the internet is so scary, and then notifies Vanessa that these are her people, and she hangs her head because it's true. When Olivia comes back Dan offers her a kegstand, but she is too busy sucking on the funnel of bad movie star news.
Blair is so proud of Kira's new look that she calls it her "makeover swan song," which... Makes no sense. Because this is probably her Cotillion swan song, but I don't think she means it that way. I think she just honestly doesn't know what that phrase actually means. Which is embarrassing for all of us. Kira complains about how having Eric as her escort is still a huge weakness in her assault, and Blair -- who is wearing a gorgeous and dramatic, complicated red dress with a bow bigger than the Earth -- reveals her surprise: Eric comes into the house bearing Graham Collins, who looks like porn. Maybe the kind you get arrested for.
Nate enters Cotillion to a total glamour song and camera work like it's a jewel heist, and all the girls are whispering and excited and he looks totally swank and hot in his tux, and you could almost believe that he was once the UES It Boy. Or at least why he's such a successful hustler. He smiles at them, and then all the little children drink champagne. Elsewhere, Jenny's wearing a pretty great dress and some breasts she must have borrowed from her literary counterpart, and Rufus is telling her she doesn't have to do this if she doesn't want to, and Lily points out that it is a bit late for that, which Rufus knows because really that whole statement was about holding onto like one shred of his vanishing dignity and had nothing to do with Jenny at all. Jenny, meanwhile, is having the time of her life and is very indulgent with her father, and then catwalks away looking for her escort.
Nate stops Jenny, looking for Blair, and Jenny spits how thank God she hasn't seen her, explaining that Graham Collins is This Year's Nate. Nate takes it as a compliment and then goes off to find Blair, who is mentoring Kira backstage -- "Always lead with the right. And no claw hands, relaxed fingers" -- and smiles at his arrival. "Oh, look! A Lost Boy, from Lost Weekend!" Nate smiles and gives her a note from Chuck -- "I'm sick of being lost, come find me" -- and mentions that Chuck said "Please." Eric arrives just in time for Blair to give him a fairly honest, friendly co-conspirator look, and he tells her he can handle the rest of it. She's really happy to count on him, and actually goes peaceful for a moment before asking him offhand how he got Graham to show.
"I told Graham that what happens at Camp Suisse doesn't stay at Camp Suisse," he says, with none of the pride you should feel in having tagged that, because he's still young enough to think that gay and straight are these strictly separate things that only the wonderful land called summer camp transcends, because straight guys don't ever fool around with other guys and if they do they're gay, which is just a lie created by the boy media to keep people thinking gay is a ramp you slide down into dirtiness and can't ever clean off. "Little van der Woodsen! I'm impressed with your natural talents!" Blair runs off and Eric feels, of course, totally evil and weirded out.
Olivia, still at the awful college party, is giving Dan one hundred vapid reasons their love can survive EKIV and whatever, and how great he is at sushi-related puns on the computer chatting machine, and those crewmen are like her family and she grew up there and blah-blah, and Vanessa is plastered by this point, and feeling weird about her conflicting feelings regarding EKIV, and finally Olivia goes, "I have had the ultimate experience. With you guys! They say that the friends you meet here last a lifetime. Do you guys want to get out of here?" Do they ever.
Serena and Blair are confused when they meet at the elevator, and Blair hisses and spits until Serena explains about the text she received, which of course B did not send, and they figure out that Chuck and Nate pulled the trigger on this one, and head downstairs to beat them up. But the elevator malfunctions: "I'm trapped in the elevator with someone who sucks all the air out of the room," Blair screeches, "Send help or I'll be dead within the hour!" Which is usually stupid on TV, but this time is awesome, because Chuck's godlike voice comes back over the intercom and tells them to pull it together. After he tells them about the single malt and Ladurée macaroons in the storage box, and signs off. Blair stares at the doors, while Serena leans boredly against the back wall, and nearly smiles to herself. "So. What did my text supposedly say?" She keeps the hope out of her voice, but not Serena: "That you were sorry. And you missed me." Blair nearly cries; she closes her eyes and says, with a secret smile, "Did you text me back?" After a few minutes of nervousness, she turns around and looks, and S nods wryly. Of course she did.
Okay, they're walking. Handmaiden #3 is one Miss Jane Cordelia Trapp, escorted by Mr. Theodore Davis III. #1, the one that looks like Vanessa, is Miss Sawyer Harriett Bennett, escorted by Mr. Evan Jameson Jr. She strikes a funny sexy pose for her portrait, and Jenny gets ready to ascend the stage: "Miss Jennifer Tallulah Humphrey, escorted by Mr. Graham Collins..." Two things happen. #1 is: Tallulah? Really? Every time I think we know every way the Humphries hamstrung their kids, they pull out a new one. #2 is, another girl runs up and beats Jenny to the stage, handing her a card with a correction while Kira preens on the steps.
"My apologies. Miss Kira Abernathy, escorted by Mr. Graham Collins." The applause kicks up again, and Jenny freaks out, and Eric stares with the evil burning inside of him. The woman asks Jenny where the eff her escort is, and Rufus is out in the audience like, "Who is that? What is happening? Where are we?" and Jenny just mumbles and runs away, because what a twist. Gossip Girl looooves it: "Jenny Humphrey went to a ball, Jenny Humphrey had a great fall. And none of her minions, mentors or friends want to put Jenny together again!" Nice one, GG.
"Bitch" comes back around again; this time the Plastiscines are playing live and the lead singer looks, as promised, exactly like Jenny and Serena's baby. Kira's enjoying the show with Graham by her side, and Jenny's still whipping through the place like a loon, freaking out. Lily holds out her arms and yells, "Jenny, my darling! What happened?" Rufus is still confused about everything and wonders if Jenny can pick somebody else to do the stair-walking activity with, and Jenny screams, "You only get one chance!" It's like a nightmare!
She runs to Eric, and he's all nasty about Blair having disappeared, and Jenny, thinking that she has an ally, whines about how this is all because she wouldn't be Blair's Mentee, which is true but not the whole truth, and then Eric tries putting his "plan" into action again. "What if it's all for the best? Don't you think that maybe being Queen isn't worth it?" Jenny tries to explain it one more time, finally leaving in the whole "nobody from Brooklyn" part and how that's why she has to keep proving herself and stealing dresses and selling them at pawn shops and dancing topless with teen models and tossing herself into date rape situations and throwing her sewing machine away again and again and again: Brooklyn. He tells her it's totally not even worth it and yells, "Let it go, Jenny! It's over!" But Jenny -- good girl -- says that's just what Blair thinks, and with her fingerless black lace gloves calls a mysterious person, the better to flip this bitch one last time.
That song "Bitch" includes not only the word itself several times but also the spelling. They are French. So in the elevator, they've both slid down the walls and are sitting in a nest of ripped-up macaroon and scotch packaging and feeling mighty fine. Serena's explaining about Carmen Sandiego and how Dr. vdDubs wouldn't even see her when she and Carter finally tracked him down. Blair asks why Serena didn't explain any of this or see fit to mention the entire storyline she's apparently been having behind everybody's back for the last two years.
Serena smiles, ashamed, and explains that she was embarrassed by the reception from Carmen Sandiego, because Blair has like eleven dads now and they're all completely taken with her, and Rufus won't fucking shut up about Dan and Jenny, and though the Captain is a piece of shit in every single way not even he would turn Nate away from his cell door. "I'm even jealous of Nate's dad," she snorts disgustedly. Blair assures her that Keith's losing out if he doesn't know her, but of course S already knows that: "But I just can't seem to let it go." Blair, who knows a thing or two about compulsive behaviors, is sympathetic. "I keep leaving him messages, and writing letters to addresses I'm not even sure are his..." Blair shakes her head and gives Serena permission to miss her dad, and Serena explains that this is the last thing she wants, which is why it's all so gross.
"All I even remember of him is him going on trips and then coming back and bringing me presents and then one day he ... Didn't come back." Blair is so sad for Serena! Her voice finally starts to crack as she admits how embarrassed she is. "And now it's like I can't seem to get anything right anymore..." Blair nods, because she's been watching; nods, because she gets that. "Between Carter, and the paparazzi, and Brown, and..." She puts her hands in her hair and laughs at herself. "Ugh, and now Tripp?" Blair's back goes completely straight, ready to turn on Serena again, and she asks.
"I guess I've kind of had a crush on him," Serena starts to explain, still so busy with her hair that she doesn't notice Blair's affronted jerk, "But it was nothing! I mean, he's married. And he's always treated me like a kid, but now we work together, and then tonight..." Blair leans forward, ready to pull the trigger, and Serena admits it was the fake text that saved her. "But now I don't know if I can trust myself around him." Blair knows, and swings it around to where they don't even have to talk about it after this: "Carter was one thing, but Tripp is a married congressman," she explains, and Serena just keeps shaking her head and swearing she's listening, she knows that, Blair is right, she already agrees with Blair, she'll be good. She'll be good. She'll be good this time, this time she'll be good.
"Promise me you won't see him or speak to him again without coming to me first." Serena promises, and Blair finally relaxes, and S sweetly thanks her, and Chuck starts the elevator again, offering Blair the chance to kiss her on a Cheat Pass. They laugh, and S calls her brother creepy, and everything is put together again, in a wilderness country where nobody is watching.
Stacks on deck, Patron on ice
We can pop bottles all night
Baby you can have whatever you like
Yeah you can have whatever you like
That's a T.I. song! It's raucous. But not tonight, because tonight it's an Anya Marina cover, starting slow and strumming over the drunken winding down of the threesome in the DUMBO loft. Dan grabs the paper to show Olivia how hard they tried to keep her there, to count them down, and Olivia counts along, but there are only fifteen, and Vanessa's laughing and embarrassed and Dan's his usual awkward self as Olivia grabs the paper away, ordering them to help her complete the last item, until she sees it, and then they laugh. And to be Vanessa in this moment is to be very alone, because Dan kept her in his pocket for so long, riding shotgun on every love he had, that she thought it was gone and done.
But every time he kissed a girl there was a quiet pinch that said she was doing a good job, and being a good friend, and that she was over it. And every time they were alone and he confided in her there was a tiny little pinch that said how much easier it would have been if he'd just figured it out, just gotten there a little bit quicker, it would have worked out so much more tidily, because she loved him, and they grew up together, and he knew all of her secrets. Not an angry part or even a sad part, except on the quietest nights when he'd say something or his face would quirk a certain way and it would flicker for a second and she'd wonder what they would have been like. If they had done it right. If there had been no Constance and no St. Jude's and no upward mobility, if Rufus and Alison had been more like Gabriele and Arlo, and he'd never known about the Upper East Side. She'd wonder what that was like. It wasn't even a wound, it was... Like the scar of a scratch, from a long time ago.
Late night sex so wet and so tight
Gas up the jet for you tonight
Baby you can go wherever you like
Yeah you can go wherever you like
But to talk about sex, now, in this context, with this girlfriend, is to rapidly lose that focus. You can be such good friends with a boy. You can know every inch of him. To be Vanessa in this moment is to be a wingman. Is that it? Is that what it feels like? He's grinning like a schoolboy, and Olivia is downing her vodka and shuddering to herself and leaning across to kiss Dan, her friend. Her best friend, her wingman. And everything is soft, and good, and a little terrifying. But they are friends. And when Olivia leans across the circle and kisses her, she tastes good, and Dan watches with the sweetest, youngest face. The sound in the room warps around it, at first, because now he is watching you kiss a girl, but by the end of the kiss the gravity is settled and you can look at them again, and smile. And when Olivia leans back, having blessed you both, and smiles permission at Dan Humphrey, and he leans nervously across and kisses you, it's both precisely the way you imagined and entirely something new, and good, and soft. And terrifying.
It's not that it was too trashy and it's not that it wasn't trashy enough. It's that it was so real. You probably had sex in high school and it was probably scary and it was probably like a dare that went too far, like that. The word is brinksmanship. One of my favorite words in the English language, because without it nothing good happens, and nothing bad happens, and nothing scary ever happens. And generally the only good things are the scary ones, but you won't know for sure until the dust has settled, and even then you can't be sure if it was really a mistake-mistake.
The unbelievable glee and luck and gratitude shifting across Dan's face, the surprise Vanessa feels when her body flows to this like water, the strength Olivia feels for finding a cliff and choosing to jump off: This is what sex should be like, every time. Like a gift you didn't even earn, in a wilderness country without any laws at all, when you realize nobody is watching. And of all the dumb reasons to have sex in college, especially for girls, this is it: All of them. Taking the implication as the idea that everybody has a threesome in college is ludicrous, but all of us do this. And spend the rest of our lives trying to get that feeling back again: When you could have whatever you like.
Shorty you're the hottest, love the way you drop it
Your brain's so good I could have sworn you went to college...
The song continues over Serena and Blair's entrance into Cotillion, arms linked, looking for Nate and Chuck to congratulate and then eviscerate; suddenly an announcement is made: "Due to extenuating circumstances, we have one last debutante..." Jennifer Tallulah takes the stage again, and the handmaidens freak out -- "Nobody walks alone!" -- and Nate appears, as her escort. We are informed that not only is Nate a "college guy," but also "epic," and there is unending applause, and Blair's jaw drops, and Eric/Kira/Graham are kind of disappointed. Well, Eric and Kira are. Graham sort of stands there with his clothes on. Serena laughs -- "Found Nate!" -- and Eric takes off. There's a great grin on Jenny's face as GG once again warbuxes herself into insane blather: "Oh E, you tried to play dirty at the dance but you should know nobody puts Jenny in the corner and now she's having the time of her life."
Too soon, GG. Too soon, and too weird. "I Am Down" starts playing, as we practiced before, and Jenny thanks Nate for saving her yet again, and then Jenny's a little afraid as Serena and Blair approach, but Blair's grinning: "I gotta say, I didn't see that one coming." Jenny smiles gracefully and says she learned from the best, which is all Blair ever wanted to hear. She calms down like whoa, with Serena by her side, and they inform her that the other Queens want to pay their respects. Serena's sweet as they send her off, and Blair asks if S wants to go get something to eat, because now she can eat, and S says she wants to go to the HQ and resign, which makes Blair nervous but ultimately proud.
You thought it might be okay
Between you and him
Between me and you
You felt it might be better to change your life
But not tonight
Eric runs up to extraneous Jonathan in his civvies, all excited about the spectacle and thanking him for coming back, but Jonathan is in a place. "I didn't come here because of Jenny. Were you serious on your message? Have you really been scheming with Blair?" Eric admits that this technically is true, and Jonathan informs him that he has officially "sunk to Jenny's level," which is big talk from the guy who cheated on Eric with the swim team, but whatever, Eric points out that he was doing it to help Jenny, which never saves your ass on this show and also never works out. Which he also notes.
There are three threesomes here, all intended to put something back together. Chuck sets up a liaison with Blair and Serena so they'll kiss and make up. Olivia sets up a threesome with Dan and Vanessa in order to put herself back together and figure out what a "real" girl does. Eric and Jonathan pull Jenny into their shit in order to break the tie, which has to happen because Eric can't survive in a house divided, and because he loves Jenny. And in all three cases, you're exposed to a really scary sort of void where your dreams can come true, and you can have everything you want as long as you're able to ask for it. Forgiveness, usually, or an excuse to finally taste something you've always been curious about: You can have whatever you like.
Jonathan gets madder and madder and tells Eric that Jenny is not worth their time, this bullshit is not worth his time, and he is breaking up with Eric -- but not after Eric goes ten tons of Rhodes on him, swearing to cover the whole thing up and forget it ever happened and completely evict Jenny from his life and whatever, whatever, whatever it takes to make Jonathan stay, because he knows what's coming, and he knows you can Rhodes your way through anything, and that's the only thing he knows how to do: I'll be good, I'll be good, I'll be good. But it doesn't help.
"It's not about Jenny. It's about who you've become. I liked you because you were different from everyone else. You were smart, and you knew who you were. You didn't need to prove anything to anyone. And now?" Eric literally rocks backward on his heels; the thing that makes you awesome is the thing that makes you suck. Jonathan leaves, sadly, and Eric stares at nothing at all.
I want to figure it out before it's too late
Before you find out how you really feel
Blair admonishes Chuck for pulling the trigger on her Serena threesome -- "You were the one who said to restrict our scheming to outsiders!" -- and Chuck points out that it was desperate times. But not because she was being unmanageable, or hurting people, or going nuts: Because of the Audrey. Because she was scaring him. He gets horny on her and she says his punishment will be an evening without her, because she needs to be with S. "Oh, and if you ever loan out my lingerie again?" She kisses him sweetly. "...I just hope you like me in flannel."
You never wanted to admit that you were crazy for him
I'm down tonight, I am down tonight, I am down tonight
...I am down tonight because of you
Dan and the ladies are probably asleep by now. Jenny doesn't get the pain in Eric's eyes, or the fact that he's been her enemy all night; she just squeals -- "Did you see it? It was awesome!" -- and brushes past, asking him to come along to Serafina. "I'm sorry about Jonathan becoming collateral damage," she finally says, when he doesn't move. "You did lie to me," she says, more defensively, and he's not buying, so she takes off. Kira's standing with Graham closer to the door, and she leans into her face: "You know, you really put yourself on the radar tonight! Better not make that mistake again, or you'll pay for real." Jenny shoves past Kira and Eric stares after them; Kira joins him (their outfits still match!) and they discuss, Graham standing fully clothed off in a corner somewhere. "She can threaten me all she wants," Kira grumbles, "I'm not going back to social oblivion." Eric's bruised eyes flare and he promises they'll take her down for good time.
"Why'd you do it, kid?"
"Because she asked me to."
"Obliging bastard. Is that the only reason you got, kid?"
"They shoot horses, don't they?"
Tripp's standing around all hot and sad when Serena arrives at the campaign headquarters of a United States congressman to resign in person from her imaginary job in the middle of the night on a Friday. He apologizes at length for being a creepy old creepster, and she agrees that she should not be working there anymore. Tripp feels wicked bad because of the great opportunity that he is scotching for her, and tells her not to quit. "For whatever reason, I trust you, and I don't have many people I can say that about. In my work or my life."
He knew people, but he didn't know his ass from his elbow.
Serena laughs, because he's one of the only people she trusts right now too. Tripp says, with a straight face, "We're both adults" and "We'll just agree to keep things friendly and professional," and even Serena kind of laughs about how long that one's going to last. They shake on it, and he looks at her, and as he's tracing his finger along the scar he left her with, Blair appears.
"SERENA!" Blair screams, running into the room, and then adjusts her volume to normal, offhandedly asking to speak to her and giving Tripp a gruff hello. And S does that thing, that embarrassing "He'll give me a ride" thing, where she tells Blair she'll be fine and Blair has to stand there feeling like a dumb ol' cockblocker, on top of which you can actually see Serena making bad decisions right in front of you, so whatever. Fuck it. Blair's like, "Great, later!" and peaces, and then S and Tripp laugh about how anxious that just was, and how crazy Blair is, and of course she is right, because she always is, but for now she's the one that looks stupid, and they're adults, and they are friendly and professional.
Maybe it's just the whole world is like central casting. They got it all rigged before you ever show up.
Rufus is still sputtering and confused as Lily leads his dumb ass into PRADA and kisses him so he'll shut up about how confusing Cotillion is, and sends him off to bed after congratulating them both on being such great parents and making their children so very happy, and then goes to her desk for some correspondence, and there in the stack of them is a letter from Dr. Keith van der Woodsen, currently working with Médecins Sans Frontières in Switzerland, and then Lily just doesn't know what to do.
And just as the name is revealed, written in a bizarre doctorly kindergarten scrawl, the meowing sounds of Santigold (featured here in Basement Jaxx's "Saga") come freaking across the landscape with a whomping bass, just like the intro to "Creator" last year when Blair found the Duchess and Lord Marcus fucking: "You're just limiting all the possibilities..." Very effective. And over in DUMBO, Olivia's phone just got a text, but she doesn't hear it. Vanessa's on her own, on one side of the bed, and he's holding Olivia's hand, and on the table it says, "Director backed out again!! -- MOVIE NOT HAPPENING -- Call me ASAP!! KC."
All right, now the actual consummate college experience: Realizing that some adventures actually have consequences, and that you can't expect people to have short memories just to be polite; that all the world is just as lawless as Camp Suisse, and not nearly so discrete; that, as that long-ago Gossip Girl would say, the dance never ends:
"Here they are again, folks! These wonderful, wonderful kids! Still struggling! Still hoping! As the clock of fate ticks away, the dance of destiny continues! The marathon goes on, and on, and on! HOW LONG CAN THEY LAST?"