Chuck finally pulls himself together, mostly, in time for the reading of the will. Lily receives some huge portion of the Bassets, Uncle Jack gets a fair amount of his own, and Chuck inherits a majority share of Bass Industries. Chuck first blows the whole thing off and hands it over to Jack, but a few helpful words from stalwart Blair, and a loving letter from beyond the grave, gives him a moment of self-confidence and he takes it back.
Jack goes fairly nuts about this, because he is scary as hell (in case last week's episode, in which he did everything but personally toss poor Chuck over edges both metaphoric and concrete, didn't make this abundantly clear), but eventually ropes Blair into throwing Chuck a celebratory brunch with the Bass Industries board, which Jack then ruins by tempting Chuck into a night of hos and llello, invokes a morality clause, and gets himself put in charge. Then Blair, scorned for randoms and gonorrhea carriers, dumps him, going so far as to throw his bouquet at his feet. So Chuck's still doing great.
Lily and Rufus spend the entire episode alternately fighting and making love while they run up against many an obstacle to their search for their mysterious baby, Pilot Inspektor. While the adoptive family first tells them to go hang, the babydaddy eventually meets with them secretly and tells them the horribly sad story of how Pilot Inspektor was killed in a tragic jet ski accident.
Of course, the real clincher is that this is a lie, and Pilot Inspektor is actually their other son, who lived. The reason for this subterfuge is that having lost one son to watersports, they don't want to lose a second to all the money and legal counsel at Lily's disposal. I would call these people prudent, except they don't even know about the horrors of Lily and Rufus's parenting, so it's more like they're just plot devices.
Meanwhile, the Plastics overhear Dan freaking out about how he can't tell girlfriend Serena about their brother, and put out an APB over at Gossip Girl for the dirt. Serena gives this huge scandalous secret -- GG thinks Dan might be cheating -- about the same amount of attention she gives anything else in this world that isn't Serena van der Woodsen, which is to say minimal, although she does make it all the way to Brooklyn so she can get lied to about it by Vanessa Abrams. However, it's the now constantly scheming Nelly Yuki that breaks the story, after stealing Lonelyboy's phone literally out of his pocket. Nice one, Nelly Yuki. I really hope she's Queen by the end of January, because she's got a learning curve on her and I like it.
Serena freaks out about their brother and Dan's total lying obfuscation for about three seconds, then gets over it because it's actually not that big a deal. She and Dan have a very funny conversation about how skeevy stepbrother-fucking has a long and lovely literary legacy, which sort of tells us they're going to be all right.
Even as Blair, Jack and Chuck are descending into some unimaginable hell -- and I'll remind you we still don’t know what happened New Year's Eve! -- everywhere else is Cuteness Central. Nate -- who starts the episode getting blown kisses by Uncle Jack, weirdly/characteristically for him -- randomly gives Dan the most brilliantly sweet-hearted speech about how much he misses his friendship and loves him, and Dan forgives him for closed-mouth kissing his little sister a couple of times one million years ago. Meanwhile, Jenny and Eric have a tiny, dumb little spat about her friendlessness/need to third-wheel him and Jonathan, but quickly make up in the most adorable fashion possible.
And when Rufus and Lily return home, agreeing that the death of Pilot Inspektor is a sign they shouldn't be together and will never be a family, they open the door on their four children, cute as buttons and playing boardgames, having obviously constructed this family for themselves under their noses a long time ago. To be honest, for a second it felt like Chrismukkah, and that's a very good thing. XOXO.
It's the ever-so-crunchy opening of the Faint's "Mirror Error," playing over Chuck dressing for his possibly non-suicidal new lifestyle as a young CEO. He's wearing a red tie, that matches perfectly the one Bart's wearing in his portrait on the dresser. "When most people lose a parent," Gossip Girl explains, "They inherit sorrow, loss and a closet full of outdated clothes. But on the Upper East Side, Death's sad chapter comes with a silver lining... Or a gold one, if your relatives invested wisely in precious metals." I was so obsessed with "Glass Danse" by this band for so very long. That was a weird time in my life. I got over it once I realized he was saying "I call them bodies but/ They are attentive too." I thought he was saying, "I call them bodies but/ They are intentions." As though that somehow makes sense in a way that the actual line does not.
Anyway, and so what about this weird time in Blair's life? Still very close to the vest, her horrible weird secrets, as Jack's climbing out of the limo, smiling proud and walking tall, ready for the part of his life to commence; Blair explains she's there for moral support, and Jack's like, "Yeah, like for his money," and of course B notes how tasteless he is, and Jack's all "Let's go out and party! I'm thirtysomething and you're a bulimic teenage child, it's perfect!" B tells him to eat a dick and he implies that I still don't know what he's implying and threatens to tell Chuck the whatever it is and then Chuck walks up and Jack exposits that their plan is for Chuck to have money (to the billion dollar tune) and Jack to get the reins to the company. Chuck assumes that there will be so many strings attached that he'll look "like a marionette" or -- knowing Bart, and this show -- one of those people right after they solve the Lament Configuration but right before they realize they fucked up. Blair's very moist and dewy and whatevs and then Nate comes running up out of nowhere. Which is sweet, I guess, and Chuck just about falls down on the ground with vapors and joy and the sudden inrush of blood from one part of him to another, if you know what I mean and I think that you do, but it's Nate. Prostitution is in his software.
If it were anybody else besides Nate Archibald being all, "I haven't been on this show in fifty episodes but my BF(F)'s dad's will is being read? I'll take the train from Brooklyn for that," you would think they were being whores, but because Nate is so sweet and Chuck loves him so much, it's just like, "Why does he need a hundred people with him for the least stressful part of mourning?" Yeah, when you were jumping off roofs and shit we were all too happy to make creepy fucking/barfing/threesome jokes and line up to blow your uncle or whatever it was, and then when you disappeared to Thailand, a place where if you make it out of the airport with both kidneys I feel like you deserve a medal, we were like, "It's Chuck, tie perfectly knotted and so on," but whoa. Now that you have to sign your name in the presence of a notary republic, I'll be right here with some Kleenex and valium and Dr. Phil for you.
DUMBO, where Dan needs to go somewhere and doesn't want to wait for Jenny, but since it's this show you're better off not caring because it could be a Christmas party in 1945 for all we know. Jenny's like, "So Rufus and Lily are fucking. I can tell because my tragic fucking haircut has given me psychic powers." Dan swears that they are not, and that their dad has just whisked Lily away because she's grieving. Now, I never doubted that Lily loved Bart, but this hilarious thing where everybody pretends that Lily is capable of grieving for Bart is just getting ridiculous. It's like Rufus being confused about how she doesn't want to find Pilot Inspektor, the son that went missing: she should just be like, "RUFUS, wake UP. I don't care about the kids I actually HAVE. They are set to permanent AMOK. Serena goes from PUBLIC FUCKING to MURDERING people without even stopping to put on PANTS, and when Eric's not handing out free therapy or falling into Jenny's constant bullshit drama traps of her own devising, he's watching my boyfriends of many nations do MASSIVE AMOUNTS of COKE or KILLING HIMSELF all over the PLACE."
While Dan is avoiding calls from Serena and telling Jenny mysterious truths about how Rufus and Lily will never be in love and basically carrying Pilot Inspektor on his back because Lily and Rufus are terrible people who make Dan keep secrets that would inconvenience them not in the least, Blair and Nate are sitting in the lawyer's anteroom being the totally bored girlfriends of Chuck that is their natural role. "I wouldn't have come to this party if I knew I wasn't VIP," B says, sort of showing her hand as far as the fucked up B math that's operating right now: somewhere between her birthday and midnight on NYE, she decided she was a grownup. Without Chuck, that means the Colony Club, but without the Colony Club, that means Chuck. So in her head, she's in the movie where they're quasi-married, and she should be there -- like with Queller last week -- to hold his hand and play the wife. The only thing off about this scenario is that Jack is such a bastard he'll actually say it out loud, which sort of breaks the entire show into little pieces.
Nate's like, "The important thing is that Chuck knows we're here for him," because Nate has a rich inner life and much love to give, and she's like, "STFU, can't hear." She produces a Waterford tumbler from thin air and holds it to the door like we're halfway into a Three's Company hijink. Which if you think about it works really well, because Nate is the Chrissy of the universe.
The lawyer's like, "I would think it was weird that Lily's not here for Bart's will reading, but I read on Gossip Matron that L's whoring it up in Boston with Lonelyrocker, and the entire UES already knows that L never cared about Bart Bass, so oh snap, but anyway sorry your Dad died. Jack will be your legal guardian, okay?" Without looking at each other, Jack and Chuck grin hugely into the carpet and talk at each other from the sides of their mouths and it is adorable: "Curfew?" None. "Girls sleeping over?" Yes, please. They smirk and the lawyer's like, "It's amazing what men can get up to, and nobody ever has to know." So Bass's personal fortune is going into a trust for Chuck on his eighteenth (Which should be soon, no? Wouldn't it be funny if he was just like precocious and actually a third grader with a giant face?), 29% of Bass Industries sat with the board -- whom we'll meet soon, and what a carnival of enjoyment they are -- and 20% goes to Lily! Which Jack helpfully explains leaves a controlling interest of 51%. Instead of explaining himself -- which is the entire point of this meeting, okay -- the lawyer instead hands Chuck a letter, and Chuck thinks for a second and then he's like "If I don't read it I still get all that stuff?" and the lawyer says yes, and Chuck bounces, and Jack grabs it nastily out of the lawyer's hands and follows him out into the foyer.
Doesn't this shit make you want to plan for your funeral right away and give your lawyer bizarrely detailed and drama-queeny instructions like, "At that point, instead of saying the 51% goes to Chuck, hand him this letter. If it's sunny outside, walk to the window and look pensive first, but if it's gloomy just sit there silently for a while until they're both uncomfortable and then give him this letter. Then mail out these sixteen invitations to come live in this highrise apartment building on the outskirts of town and compete for my fortune -- even though I'm not dead and I am actually you, in disguise, and two other people who are also in disguise -- and then make the sixteen people team up with random each others that they've never met and put together clues and then eventually they will all be destroyed except the intensely awesome rockstar-fabulous Tabitha Ruth Wexler."
So Chuck comes running out into the foyer, and B has to do the old, "I was just standing incredibly near this door for no reason! Hi! Hi there! Leaning on an imaginary wall! Scratching underneath my headband lackadaisically! Trying to think of the capital of Norway, do you know it?"
J: this is bart's final words
C: so lol
J: so they are words about money !!1! hello
C: so lol
J: money
B: your dad? im yr wife so read it so i can hold ur hand bcaus im your wife
N: so read it so i can hold ur hand bcaus im your wife
N: !!!! lol jinx buy me a coke with all ur money lol
C: I alredy know wtf tho.. "You're a disappointment of a son. I'd die of embarrassment if I wasn't already. Why do you wear so much purple?"
J: lol he would too
J: wait im wearing purple
B: give it to me I will read it 2u
C: no wtf
B: too slow !! lol I am good at grabbin & snatching
Dear Son. I know I've always been hard on you... ("True.") But my goal was always to prepare you for this day, to help you go from being a boy to a man. ("The Italian au pair took care of that!" We get it, you were molested. Everybody on this show was molested, it doesn't give you a free pass. I don't see Georgina running around raping people every five seconds.) Sadly, there is nothing like the passing of a father to aid in this rite of passage for his son. (Angle, of course, on Nate, who knows this better than anyone; the Captain's died a thousand deaths, like any other coward.) Ultimately, I do feel that I did my job, and you're prepared for this chapter of your life. Therefore, I'm bequeathing to you the majority share of Bass Industries.
N: no way bro
C: we are being punkd
J: i just shit myself
J: i wish ur dad didnt die so i could kill his ass more
B: Jack be cool
C: no i get it plus fuck him so jack can have the company and everything
J: YES don't tease me bro
B: this is repulsive because yr birthright even and like such as
N: lets go cudle somewhere and feel things
J: hey N heres a confusing wink and kissyface like i fucked u on NYE xoxo
N: like who didn't lol
Walking to school, Eric's bitching about how Jenny is quickly installing herself as the third wheel, because the only thing fifteen-year-old girls find more fascinating than gay boys does not exist. They're to the tween years what horses are to pre-teens, and just like some girls never get over horses and it ruins their love lives... So too with gay boys.
Serena sympathetically points out that Jenny could not be more outcasty and Otherized if she were actually from another planet. She's from Brooklyn and a Humphrey, that's two strikes right there, and then she willingly allows Vanessa Abrams into her immediate zip code, which is dumb as shit; she is this weird enfant terrible infamous fashion designer dropout who failed so spectacularly that she's down to wearing pink tulle under her school uniform; her prevailing cosmetics philosophy seems to be "Coal Miner's Daughter" mixed with "Domestic Violence Chic"; and her haircut is mind-blowingly retarded. It's either force her way into the one (openly) gay relationship at their school and turn these demerits into edgy artsy notoriety, or make friends with a lunch lady.
Eric's voting lunch lady at this point. He's tried to do dinner with Jonathan three times, and every time she showed up, and Serena pleads for sympathy and a grace period to find her social footing again. "But doesn't she understand the whole point of having a boyfriend is to be alone?" Eric asks, and Serena's like, "You have much to learn, Padawan, because most guys don't figure that one out for a long time." And even then it means, "Just you, me and the Wii equals a date. Basically, I'm inviting you on the date I'm already going on with Lego Star Wars." But wait wait, Lego Star Wars combines the most annoying things about both Legos and Star Wars. "You obviously don't understand the canon. See, it all starts on a little planet called Tatooine..."
Eric tosses some of that old-fashioned bullshitty empathy back in her face, pointing out that Dan has issues they actually know about, whereas Jenny is just a roving freak. Serena's like, "Our assumption that his newfound weirdness arises from this show's very confused understanding of what incest actually means or how DNA works is not an issue, because our parents are not hooking up." They tell each other to be nice to their respective Humphreys, no matter how hard it is -- and it is fucking hard sometimes, you guys -- and Eric walks up to Jonathan and Jenny, who have settled on an Edith Head film festival. E stares, horrible, as Jonathan giggles: "She says Edith Head, I say Hitchcock. Same difference." OMG that is very real and relates painfully to my own high school experience, but not as much as Jenny raising her voice to that octave girls save for gay boys and squealing: "Oh, wait. Oh my gosh, oh, did you guys know that you have matching backpacks? That's so cute! Awww!"
(Ladies, let's talk about that shit. You need to cut it out. Across the board. Because something you might not understand -- and we love you, we do -- is that when you're gay twenty-four seven, it's not that novel. We're gay even when you're not around, and most of the time we don't think about it, because we are too busy being people just like you. So basically, it's not weird until you get weird about how not-weird it is. When you do the Awww thing, you're basically telling a fat girl she has a pretty face. She didn't ask, dude. "Aww, I'm so weirded out by your gayness that it has turned into not being weirded out at all, and now I have become a crazy-eyed fan of your gayness. Not where I can think about what it is that you actually do in bed, the revolutionary and awesome acts that you fellas get up to, because I am freaked out enough by my own body which is a territory closer to home if you see what I'm saying. But boys holding hands and kissing, like the little babies with just the rose colored in and everything else monochrome? Awwwwwwwwwwwwww. Do you like shopping? I like shopping. Let's go shopping." Imagine an unscripted show where Asian geniuses teach white people how to do math and play the violin. Imagine making the horrified face Eric is making here, every day, inside where nobody can see it, ten times a day for the rest of your life.
I think at this point, culturally, where we are with the gays is a sort of in-between place where it's okay as long as they're small enough to put in our pocket, and their dicks are imaginary. And being a gay teenager means that nine times out of ten, you're looking at either playing along and acting like a sexless child, or not being very popular, because by dint of your existence you are advertising your potential for a lifestyle, shoving it in the faces of the people as it were, and that's unacceptable. So... Did you ever wonder about a very short person, if they act younger than their age maybe because everybody around them requires certain things and treats them certain ways and expects certain responses? That's the easy way out, the adorable matching backpack way out, and we take it all the time.
I guarantee you that even though this is three or four paragraphs out of a couple dozen pages, I'm going to be getting hatemail about making the recap all about my sexuality. Because I always, always do. So I can't blame people for taking the easy way out, because other people are a fucking hassle. But on the other hand, gay marriage is much more interesting in this light, because: why -- if you're not a sexually mature adult with the capacity to love eternally, to create a home, to make the sacrifices of parenthood -- would you need to get married? You spend your life being socialized to be as sexless and infantile as possible, indulged when you're bitchy, encouraged to throw drama fits, every joke laughed at because you make people nervous: is it really a surprise when you're then treated like a child? I don't even really blame anybody for playing this out, because if the one thing that's unacceptable about gay dudes is what they do -- and that's not going anywhere if I have anything to say about it -- then society as a whole can be forgiven for the transitional step of taking that part out of the equation for a little while, even if it results directly in infantilization and a whole lot of tangential drama. It stops looking so much like a case for the ACLU, and a lot more like a kid wanting to stay up as late as his older brothers do, and throwing a fit when he can't instead of proving he deserves it.
It starts here with the adorable backpack and it goes in an uninterrupted line until you either ghettoize yourself into Gayworld -- which is just about the most depressing place one could ever imagine -- or lie down on the Procrustean slab of Straightworld -- where A) you are not actually ever going to be welcome and which B) not even straight people can hack because it's so fucking fucked up -- and get all your best bits chopped and rubbed and scrubbed and tortured off. Or, you choose the third option, which is to be as good a person as possible; to change and grow as often as possible; to show compassion; to represent yourself and all the groups you could conceivably belong to with honor and taste and best practice; to be strong, to honor love, to protect everybody you can; to be magnificent. Which is what you should be doing anyway, because it's your duty as a human being way before it becomes a gay thing.) Speaking of gaylords, here's Serena and Dan.
S: Dan. Dan. Dan dnanndandnandan
D: o hey
S: stop avoiding me lol I asked mom if she + rufus = xoxo and she sad no
D: thats the only thing i was woorid about not not pilot pinspektor
S: who lol
D: so they arent doing it
S: she always tells us because we r so disfuncional lol
D: yikes my dad just spoons me unexpectedly
S: sarkozy was a bad kisser
D: i always wanted to kiss that ferench president so o well lol
D: brb
D: dad pls make this stop and lily call S right now ok
R: lol yur problems dont matter
D: i am going to thrw up
R: look lily has 2 sit and read a magazine instead of telling S right now
D: but its so sad to be me
R: lol like what else is new
D: ok pls make it stop
R: one day we will but probly after ur life is destryd
D: ETA
R: like probably 5 minutes after
D: everything is so unfair like this made up problem that is not actually a problem
R: trust me im making lily feel like a whore every chance i get
D: well good im going to do that with S some more bcause that is our whole rleatongship
R: I taught you well son
D: girls are bitchs
Everybody on Earth: Humphreys more so.
"Serena has a right to know what's going on," Dan says into the phone while the Plastics stare. Penelope and Iz are like OMG, and Nelly Yuki points out that they don't know the nature of the Gossip, just that it exists, and Pen tells her to fuck off and stop talking, and Iz complains that B's spending all her time with Chuck, and Penelope's like, "Yeah, I fucking hate that. She's a bitch." Isabel points out that Chuck's dad did die after all, and P goes, "Yeah, like a month ago." I love Crazy New Penelope so, so much. I love that they have personalities now, even if they're like Alvin Simon Theodore personalities, because most people are like that anyway. She sends GG a tip to put out an APB on Lonelyboy's biznatch and then for the rest of the episode they keep saying they put out a "hit" on him, and it's brilliant the first time, but then the fifth time you're like, "Not actually a term we youth people use, so really it's just like you're telling the same joke five times in an hour."
And even though it feels like an hour later, Blair is still booking it after Chuck screaming down the street like a lunatic, and he's wearing a very cute barbershop quartet jacket with wild piping. He says this is his Dad Ouija-fucking him from beyond the grave, and B wifeys it up about how this is the final thing that proves Bart was proud of him. "I know you can do this," she says, and it's very much like she's never believed anything quite this much, and it breaks through the ice. He looks at her, taking her temperature, and jumps off. "I wouldn't even know where to begin," he says, and she gives him the letter and tells him to read the whole thing, and she smiles to herself, because this is how it's going to work. Jack lurks exceedingly and thinks dark thoughts toward them.
Everybody at St. Judes is a thirty-year-old man pretending to be a high school student. Dan walks out in a clutch of them, and in the courtyard all the phones are bleeping and e-blasting, and all the people are grinning, and Dan's been through this moment so many times, hilariously, that he just rolls his eyes and books it out of there, because whatever comes it's clearly going to involve his life becoming total shit, because it always does. "Is lowly Lonelyboy cheating on our queen? Sound unlikely? Does the name Georgina ring a bell?" Um, yeah. In my heart. "Get out your shovels and start digging the dirt, kids. Gossip Girl's gonna need a little help getting to the bottom of this mess."
Jack's sitting behind Bart's desk in his office with a giant power boner when Chuck walks in and tosses the letter down: "If it wasn't [Weren't! The subjunctive is your friend!] notarized, I'd think it was a fake." He tries to be a man and tells Jack he appreciates how he flew to Thailand and saved him from suicide by heroin and hos, and Jack goes, "Well, you noticed that Thai waitress I was gonna take home the other night had a penis, so consider us even." Chuck grins, but this is hard: "Look... I've decided to follow my father's wishes and take over Bass Industries." Jack's face turns demonic with rage, and he shuts Chuck down immediately, pointing out that lots of money and no responsibility is better than being CEO, but B has talked Chuck into being a man and he's not interested in flaking out right now. Jack tells him it's not a whim thing and that he's not ready. Chuck stands up, because now it's a fight about to happen. "If you want to stay in New York, I'll find a place for you in the company. I know it's going to be a long road... But I'm ready now." Jack is so totally tense that not punching Chuck is now his main mission in life, and he just prissily throws a random file down on the table and stalks out, pouting like a kid and pointing at the desk, and Chuck sits down at the desk and gets very, very scared about being a man.
Dan comes out of class and sees all his shit on the ground outside his locker; Blair fully kicks a book away from his hands, just as driveby bitchery, and keeps walking. Jack calls and says he wants to bone her, and she threatens to hang up, but he's all, "We should throw Chuck a party." B points out that this is incredibly tasteless, but he spins a yarn about how he feels guilty about the pants-shitting tantrum he threw at the lawyer thing, and then plays the "you know Chuck better than anybody" card, and she flips over for it because that's her kryptonite. "Fine. Brunch tomorrow, at the Palace." He hangs up, and the trap is set. He's so awful and yet so awesome.
Lawyer Guy: I found the adoptive parents of Pilot Inspektor.
R: awesome!
Lawyer Guy: Except they said no, and they hate you.
R: not awesome!
L: awesome! we done here?
Lawyer Guy: With a closed adoption, the only way the birth parents can track down and contact their child is if he registers with a search service. Your son has not done this. In the olden days we would call this "Providence."
R: noo! this is all about me as usual!
L: no its not, stop being a baby
R: i will hold my breath until i turn blue
L: great
R: listen, how do u feel about being pathetic?
Lawyer Guy: I'm listening.
R: could you beg more and talk about how i am prepared to whine forever and ever?
Lawyer Guy: ok
L: fucking great
In the hallway -- where once again Serena is roaming the halls at her leisure because she has no classes to go to, ever -- S points out that B is going Chuckwild again, and she's like, "No, we're just friends and I have to be a good friend to him like you told me." S is stymied, and then GG gives a new report. B asks what's going on with Dan cheating and GG being obsessed about it, "Not that anyone else would ever want Dan Humphrey, no offense." Serena reads the blast aloud, cheating us of a precious GGVO: "Nothing yet on Lonelyboy, but we did find out he brown bags it for lunch. And today's plat du jour? A tuna sandwich. Disgusting, but not enough for a conviction. Keep digging, kiddies." Blair awesomely goes, "Tuna fish? Why does he make it so hard for himself?" And S is like, "How did this happen this time?" The Plastics grin at them spookily, and S sighs, and B couldn't care less: "It's so hard finding obedient minions. But right now I have to go get ready for my absolutely nonromantic dinner with Chuck. Ta." S watches the Plastics grinning and thinks about God knows what she's ever thinking about. Collective ownership of the means of production. That song from The Neverending Story. Cantaloupe.
Vanessa and Dan venture into Dylan's Candy Bar and talk about candy for like a thousand years, because Vanessa things "all things gummy" are the perfect symbol of her love relationship with Nate Archibald, not that she's wrong. Apparently even though Nate is back in bromance with Chuck, he doesn't feel like attending the surprise love brunch where clearly something horrific is going to go down. Dan is pissy and vacant enough that Vanessa realizes he's being more than the usual amount of these things, and suddenly it's about him. Just like that!
V: should I get Squirrel Nut Zippers lol that's so boho just like me
D: fuck a bunch of candy i have real made-up problems
V: just tell me
D: swear on your [hipster vinyl reference]
V: ok lol
Nelly Yuki: I want some candy so I can eat my feelings and not think about the hideous abuses that constitute my entire life.
V: so tell me
D: ok
D: j/k i have to brood som emore first
V: omg lady
Nelly Yuki: Lurking creepily behind giant bins of lollipops is my entire life now because I have become desperation personified. I'd better steal Dan's phone instead of just listening to them talk about this loudly less than one meter away from where I'm standing.
V: omg if theres pilot inspektor that means what
D: i dont know but its bad
V: does it mean that S is your grandfather?
D: i think so
V: i am homeschooled what is ur excuse
D: i am worried that y cant legally date ur grandfather
V: you have to because xoxo
D: ok give me some advice bcause you have never ever fucked everything in the world up
V: u have 2 go 2 Chuck's brunch and cause a big scene obvs
D: oh shit those little demon girls are here to rip me a new one u dont want to see this
Man, I love it when the little demon girls show up. I love that it's always the same ones, too. Lil S is like, "How could you do it? How could you cheat on Serena again?" Lil B spits, "Brooklyn pig!" and Lil S, dwarfed by her scarf, is all, "How could you let him do it, V?" Vanessa, being self-obsessed to a degree that would be surprising if she weren't Humphrey-adjacent, is thrown: "You know who I am?" Lil P becomes amazing just like her older New Crazy counterpart: "Please. Dating Nate Archibald after striking out with Dan Humphrey? Talk about failing upwards." Lil B screams suddenly, just like Queen B would: "WHO ARE YOU CHEATING WITH?" She sounds like a Dalek, it's awesome. He swears he's not cheating, then his hands flutter around all gay and he bounces because the little demon girls scare him so bad, because they are so scary. Lil S shoots him one more nasty look, and Vanessa just stares at the little demon girls, charmed by their lack of boundaries as only Vanessa could be, and over in the corner Nelly Yuki is grinning insanely like Gollum and hanging onto Dan's phone like it's Edward Cullen's choad.
Jack's waiting for Chuck when he comes home, and does this whole Better Man routine about how he feels bad about acting the fool, and Chuck professes his love and admiration for Jack, who's all, "Before we start spooning, I want to take you out tonight to properly celebrate," which of course means coke and whores. Chuck protests that he's having dinner with B, and Chuck says that their "friendship" is the sort he's found usually results in gonorrhea. "Suprax?" Chuck grins, and Jack nods conspiratorially: "Rocephin." He goes on to give Chuck the Who Are You Really speech that brings Chuck and Charles and Charlie Trout all into the room like he's Toni Collette, and brings in a bunch of prostitutes. Chuck is charmed like it's Christmas and his birthday rolled into one, and they are... very young looking, these hos. Needless to say, he's out of there faster than you can say Inappropriate Pervuncular Relationship, and GG is barely even awake to fake her curiosity: "What's it gonna be, Chuck? Business and Blair, or cocktails and coquettes?"
S walks in to bug V at the Bedford Gallery café, and Vanessa is immediately like, "Dan is currently located at the loft, because my babysitting shift ended twenty minutes ago."
S: no lol i am here 2 spy
V: i love doin that
S: right? I know lol
V: but i dont know anything
S: but ur his BFF and favorite person
V: true and thanks for remembering but no
S: i will b ur friend
V: ur rusty at this
S: look i have to find out this is a whole new world for me
V: what is
S: trying! caring about anything!
V: sorry
S: i know you are lying
V: i know, im loving this xoxo
S: pls just tell me and stop being abitch
V: i cannot
S: well i tried
V: dear dan pls tell S about your shared sibling Pilot Inspektor
V: that was conceived in Boston 19 yrs ago by Lily and Rufus
V: remember? Lily is S's mom. And Rufus is your dad. And they have a baby.
V: and then it was adopted and R never knew but L and CeCe Rhodes knew and then Bart died but he knew before he died remember?
V: remember how that is a big secret?
V: remember that big secret?
V: remember?
Nelly Yuki: i have absconded with lonelyboys phone
P: its so big and clunky it doesnt even have a camera
Iz: bcause hes poor
Nelly Yuki: no its so big bcause its full of secrets!!!1!
Dan's Phone: Vanessa Abrams is a fucking douchebag. Here are all the secrets.
P: Nelly Yuki i am impressed. i wont hit you for the rest of the day
Nelly Yuki: my standards for a good day have become lower since we started hanging out
Blair lights some candles and turns down the dimmer on her romantic non-romantic dinner, wearing a HOT dress. You guys, did you know Blair has really lovely breasts? Serena's breasts : Marilyn Monroe :: Blair's breasts : Norma Jean Baker. Chuck texts her that he's "working" and she is very sad; meanwhile the streetlights are whirling drunkenly outside Jack's limo, and Chuck is kissing girls and telling stories and acting like a drunk ass, and Jack is loving it. And for a show in which fully half the storylines right now are about made-up fake incest, it feels a little weird that Chuck and Jack are basically all about having orgies with prostitutes and all of this, because that actually is a lot more like incest than this show's idea about incest, which is not anything like incest. Which still doesn't explain why it's so titillating, but I think Jack's hotness is the secret answer to that one. "Looks like Chuck Bass made his choice. But careful, Bass. Now that you're a big fish, there are a lot more sharks in this pond."
L: I just noticed that you are a drama queen with the emotional maturity of a houseplant, who has been holding me hostage by the short hairs of my own conflicting feelings about twenty-year-old decisions I made that were totally correct.
R: Eventually we will hear the hoofbeats of reindeer on the roof of this hotel, and then you will realize that you are a dick for not believing in the Great Pumpkin.
L: Oh I'm realizing something all right. Which is that I'm glad Bart died in a bloody car accident, because if I'd actually left his ass for you I'd be feeling like a serious fuckup right about now.
R: Do you see my fingers? How they are crossed? Doesn't that mean anything to you?
L: Do you see this one finger I'm holding up?
Lawyer Guy: Remember how I told you the parents weren't interested?
R: Yeah, you were just kidding, I remember that.
Lawyer Guy: Well no, I wasn't, but anyway they just said that you should suck it, as I mentioned before, but now twice as hard, and also stop fucking harassing them.
R: Whatever. Lil, they don't want to meet with us.
L: WE KNEW THAT A WEEK AGO
R: Look, stop yelling. This is all happening because you're a bad person.
L: No, this is all happening because it's what was obviously going to happen, which I've been telling you for the last fifty episodes.
R: Because you are an asshole.
L: Being right doesn't make me an asshole. Indulging your constant BS does, though.
R: I! AGREE!
R: WAIT, BACK UP!
S drops a fist-sized rich people strawberry in her champagne at the brunch. It tastes like the sweet fucking absence of Aaron Rose; it tastes like trading his wispy pretend facial hair for the childlike smoothness of Dan Humphrey's hairless cheekbones. She sort of snarls funnily about the old folks in the corner and B explains they're on the board of Bass Industries. See Serena, she don't care about the old folks, talkin' 'bout the old style. She just wants to get crunk, never wear underwear, and play some Guitar Hero without anybody making trouble or talking loud. She picked the wrooong show to be on.
B snatches an éclair out of Isabel's hand, and punches her in the face before returning it to the platter whence it came, with the little placard saying, "Reserved." That's so sweet and so crazy, all at once. S asks how the non-date went, with the breasts and all that, and B admits he rescheduled, then checks out S's noncommittal smirk and how her breasts will always win, on this show. "Spare me those expressive eyebrows! I can't wait till you get Botox." She delivers a short speech about how Chuck is being awesomely grown up right now, which is B's total catnip for many reasons ranging from the understandable and self-informed to the creepy and gay/French/pie/bulimia/abandonmenty. She proudly brandishes her phone, because Jack's arriving with Chuck, and snits, "Now you'll see we're just friends!" There is no point at which this is not a lie, and B always knows somewhere in there when she's lying, but it's a place she prefers not to acknowledge, so the total yearning and asking to be destroyed that she's doing right now have no other outlet than the expressive eyebrows of Serena van der Woodsen. And express they do.
Little J: dan pls stop acting stupid and just be here now at this party
D: but without drama who am i
J: just b a good BF
D: lol um ok
J: its just a party and ur just a boy with no secrets
D: I HAVE ALL THE SECRETS
J: huh?
D: nothing.
J: so even tho my hair is more tragic now than its ever been we r going to enjoy this yes?
D: yeah bcause i love chuck so much
J: lol I know right
D: j/k
J: i know
D: but not really bcause i am sort of gay for chuck
J: i know that 2 lol but n.e.way text me if you need me, i have to go be unwanted by Eric
D: I have dads phone its more sad than my stolen one
J: our dad is so fucking sad
D: if you think about it 2 much u would cry and never stop
J: we should try drugs sometime 2 dull thepain of our parents sucking so bad
D: I know right lol
S: o good!!1!! Dan ur here to act all fcking weird on me some more how awesome lol
D: i will start now
S: y wait?
D: "I love brunch you got waffles and eggs and little kipper-looking things in the same spot I love this meal it's perfect."
S: I know! You can drink in the am! xoxo brunch!
Blair claps her hands again like with the doppelgangers to shut everybody up, which is my (and Dorota's) favorite thing that ever happened on this show, and gives a little speech about how all these grownups and people need to fucking shape up because Chuck is coming, and then Jack enters alone and B gets the crowd through the first line of "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow" before they all trail off, and B starts grilling Jack so hard that she doesn't even have time to hear the Plastics when they walk up and say flat out that they found out the life-changing dirt on Dan's big secret and they're about to let fly the dogs of bitchy behavior, but she's doing the B thing where she doesn't even hear what you're saying, so like WTF ever just let me yell at this guy. So they shrug and grin and send the big secret to everyone in the universe, completing the latest in a long line of Abrams fuckups.
Jack snottily introduces B to some random board members -- Pete Holmberg, Alice Cashman -- and she straps on her fakest smile. Jack says that Chuck is upstairs "working," and offers B as a tour guide. She takes him up on it, anxious to see Chuck and even more anxious to see what a good job she did making everybody celebrating him, and doesn't think twice about what a total snake Jack is. And just like that, she becomes one of the two birds, and the stone thrown itself. Because take away the Board's confidence and you have a Chuck that wants to fight, but take away Blair Waldorf and you've got no good reason to.
Jenny sits with her brunch plate, wearing a stupid goddamn side braid and looking like the biggest dork to stalk gay teens since Sandy Cohen was still doing pro bono. Eric finally tells her that he and Jonathan are going to try this radical thing called people do when they're dating called "dating," and she is sort of miffed. He does the kindly Eric thing of softly introducing reality into the situation, and she responds like a Humphrey, which is to say that doing her the favor of hanging out with her friendless ass isn't doing her any favors, and he's like, "Stop yelling," and she's like, "All you do is talk about your boyfriend and My Boyfriend This and My Boyfriend That and it's like, I'd be fine with your gayness if it never came up, but it's like you keep shoving it in my face," and he's like "Everybody that is dating somebody is like this so stop being a dick, and also I'm sorry that our first boyfriend did us both so wrong, but go get your own boyfriend instead of trying to recreate that scenario and then it won't seem so annoying because we'll both be annoying" and she calls him conceited and he calls her annoying and she runs off like it's the first goddamn time anybody's ever called her that in her entire life. I'm sure at least three people at this brunch were like, "God, who's that annoying girl with the marmot on her head that won't leave that poor little queer boy alone?"
Dan and Serena babble good-naturedly at each other about how crazy Blair is, specifically the reserved éclairs, and they smile about how nice it was of D to come to the brunch, and then all the phones in the Upper East Side go off with the newest blast, and lo there is much mean grinning. Once again, Dan knows immediately that he's in trouble. If one rings, that's a phone call, but if more than one phone rings, GG is coming after his ass once again. "What now, people? It's not like I brought a tuna sandwich!" says Dan, raising the bar just a little bit on how awesome he can possibly be, but you can't even celebrate that because now all three of the other van der Humphries are wigging out and looking to Dan Humphrey of all people to fix it or stabilize them somehow. "Hold on to your floppy cable-knit hats, kids. Lonelyboy's secret is out, and this one's a doozy. D wasn't cheating, but there's definitely a third party involved. Seems D and S share a sibling! While I'm always a fan of star-crossed lovers, at least Romeo and Juliet didn't share DNA..."
FUCK YOU, Gossip Girl. Like it's not enough to have deranged permanently any concept we have of time or space, that you've actually made us think that you can walk from DUMBO to the Palace Hotel in a blizzard in the time it takes to smoke one cigarette, or that while my best friend is having breakfast in March I'm perfectly within my rights to be celebrating Bastille Day in Lyons which is in France only to in the very scene walk into her living room wearing an evening gown, now you're going to fuck me up about basic genetics? Romeo and Juliet shared MORE DNA than Dan and Serena, you motherfucker, and if Lily and Rufus survive to spawn ONE THOUSAND children, none of them will make Dan and Serena ANY MORE RELATED than they are RIGHT NOW, which is ZERO. A ZERO TO THE POWER OF ZERO AMOUNT OF RELATED. GOD.
Greycoats: Here is a wonderful song called "Watchmen, What Is Left Of The Night?" by the Greycoats. Give us some money for being awesome.
N: i dont rly know whats going on but i am really sad
J: this doesnt affect me in any way but everybody else is sad so whatever
E: our parents are so fucked up that it hurts my heart
D: low of 45 in here and slim to no chance of more blowjobs at this point
S: i can totally figre this out hold on ok it's up down up down left right left right abab ... wait, no.
S: wiat ok negative b plus or minus the square root of b squared minus four ac over 2a. So that means we are related i think. nice one girl. lol
D: hope i dont throw up on Serena
S: i gotta get out of here b4 he barfs brother barf on me
J: u guys this is effed can u explain it to me? are we related?
D: ...
E: ...
S: ...dammit now i have a migraine
Lily: ok r we done?
R: SO DONE
L: thank god
R: Wait, no. psych! false alarm im still not done with this
L: what now r we going to kidnap a grown man?
R: yes! with a letter! We kidnap his heart by writing his parents a letter
L: what coud we possibly say in aletter that we havent already said a billion times in every other medium to the point of harassment?
R: heart things!
L: this is stupid
R: u would say that because you are selfish and hate our baby Pilot Inspektor! Thats why you have bene indulging me for fifty episodes!
L: r u 4 real bitch
"You don't think I haven't thought about this boy every day of his life?" Lily finally, finally stops babying him and schools him on exactly how little ground he's got to stand on in this situation. Which frankly she should have done in Manhattan, and then pushed his ass down some stairs, but better late than never: "You want to meet him. Have you thought about what happens after that? What if we find out he's had a horrible life? Or what if we instantly love him, and then it's very clear that we've made a terrible mistake?" What if our son went missing and we didn't even know it?
R: My only fear is feeling like we failed to try everything.
L: BITCH WE HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING.
R: but what if
L: ok but can we try these imaginary ways from NYC
R: no we have to stay in this hotel room forever and never leave!
L: but why
R: IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK?
L: um, yeah?
"Yes it is, because this whole search has been so excruciating, I don't want to go through it anymore. I don't want to spend another day, another minute, trapped in this hotel room, scared that you're gonna hate me forever, when I'm ... Still in love with you." YES! She can work his shit like nobody in this world. It's so soap opera, like there's a camera push toward her when she says it, and that is exactly how you tame the wild Rufus, because melodrama is the only fucking language he speaks. Like when he kept secretly hoping that Jenny would get run over the whole time she was pursuing her dream, and finally Dan had to be like, "You stand between your daughter... AND DARKNESS" and then he finally got it. Right about the time Agnes was setting her entire life on fire, but still. So now he just grabs her and kisses her and says her name a thousand times.
Après sex their hair couldn't look better, and they're babbling a funny story about how Buffalo Tom groped her in Paris, but she doesn't really remember it, and isn't life so romantic, and the most interesting thing about this episode is that you can graph their relationship alongside the constant yo-yoing of Pilot Inspektor and they're the same thing. Like the second Rufus kisses Lily, you know that they're somehow going to get closer to their kid, and whenever they're fighting he doesn't exist. So it's like they're substituting this kid for their actual relationship, like he's their shared-narrative objective correlative for the future, but it works out to also be true in the actual story that we're watching, and then in the final scene Lily explodes the whole thing by going, "You know, I can't help noticing that we've been substituting this kid for our actual relationship, like he's our shared narrative's objective correlative for both our past history and the future of our families." So anyway, then the adoptive dad calls and invites them to a secret dinner without Pilot's mommy. Lily smiles like, "Fuckin' how nice for you."
Chuck storms into this weird room in the house that's like a library and a bistro, but I think it's somewhere in the apartment or the office or... Who knows. Maybe the library and bistro share DNA and that explains it. Chuck is all manner of hissy about how Jack force fed him whores and coke until the hole in his heart was almost full, and Jack's like, "That's sort of on you, isn't it?" He then mentions that this proves that Chuck is not mature enough for the Bass responsibility, and exposits a little bit that the reason he's being so Claudius and Gertrude about the whole thing is because Bart gave him a subsidiary in Australia, to get him out of the vicinity, and that he rocked out down under, and so he feels double-screwed by this latest turn of events: "This is how he repays me? By giving the company to a teenager who can't keep his pecker in his pants for 24 hours?" Chuck growls back, "At least I can keep mine in service for longer than five minutes," which like I don't even have the capacity to deal with this conversation, but Jack laughs and says Chuck and his boner are welcome to each other because now he has Bass Industries, because of a morality clause that the lawyer and letter forgot to mention wherein the board has the option to replace Chuck with his legal guardian, Jack, which they have. Chuck's rage drains out and his eyes just frost over with serious pain, because this is a hero of his, a role model and the only real male authority that ever treated him kindly, and now he's taken everything, and if Chuck cries in front of him he really will jump his fine ass off a roof, so what do you do.
"Boston" looks exactly like the place where Blair and Marcus kept having breakfast in the Hamptons, but who knows? Mr. Inspektor comes up to that same table and greets Lily and Rufus all awkward, and then he says he has "something" to tell them, which is obviously going to be bad. I wish it was "MAN UP AND RESPECT THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU, RUFUS," but it's probably a twist of some kind.
E: y are you on the floor hiding in your bedroom??
S: being a grandfather is hell on your lower back
E: youre not even... never mind ilu
S: xoxo. i am really pissede at them but also how sad! Poor lily and poor rufus!
E: this has cece rhodes fucking all over it
S: omg you're so right. Reeks of gin and chanel no. 5
E: this is so weird
S: for Little J and Dan too.
E: so are you going to date him still?
S: my grandson-boyfriend? is that ok?
E: i think so
S: it makes me feel like we are hillbillies
E: well but then my sexual orientation is an abomination so
S: ok i'll ask around
E: but you have to be nice to Dan ok?
S: like how at the beginning of this episode i said be nice to annoying jenny
E: exactly
And then the actual light of Jesus shines on Eric's shoulders and hair, like he's Roma Fucking Downey with an Irish accent who's about to explain that actually your gangrene is a special present from God. And then Dan walks into the gallery café, where an actual gift to us from God is waiting: Nathaniel Archibald.
D: hey nate sorry i made u homeless 4 no reason
N: its ok because im nice
D: whatever dude wheres V?
N: getting dressed for our anniversary. she said she was cooking up a special little surprise to celebrate, if u know what i mean
D: oh yeah?
N: yeah and I think it's CANDY!!!!
D: ok just tell V thank you for telling Gossip Girl about my incest problem bcase it really took the edge off and i once again didnt have to do anything but silently judge
N: ok. and sorry about all that
D: like you even know what its like
N: um, i sort of do? homeless? kidnapping and extortion? prostitution? i had to punch my dad in the face 6oo times? That takes a toll.
D: i guess. j/k
N: whatever because that was just an awkaard segue to tell yu how much i love you
D: ...oh yeah?
N: yeah i really miss you
D: u r just so unnervingly wonderful and sweet, i forgot how u r just awesome + guileless
N: yeah lol its how i manage to survive
D: i miss you 2
N: ok! ok good!
D: but i have to go
N: i will totally hug u if you want, dude bcause check it out! these guns? = good hugs
D: Love it! Oh but wait bro i cannot. not in brooklyn, and not in front of people
N: someday soon?
D: Oh yeah, bro. Sweet!
Mr. Inspektor explains that young Pilot died on a sailing trip somewhat recently. Lily just about passes out from how horrible this ordeal continues to be, and Rufus pats her back sweetly like he's not the sole cause of it all. He actually has the zoot-suiting balls to go, "If we had known, we... Wouldn't have even bothered you." Lily quietly reaches for her gun as Mr. Inspektor explains that his wife has gone slightly nutty and doesn't want to tell anybody, kind of like the opposite of Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?, but like any good man he has disregarded this wish and told her secret in private, without her knowing. He pulls out a news clipping from his rucksack with the hilariously long and literal headline Boston Teen Drowns While On Vacation With Friends. Asked and answered! Lily randomly asks if he was a happy kid, and the answer is yes. Like what are you going to say?
"No, he was kind of a dick actually. I'm not glad that riptide pulled him out into the harbor? But I can't say we were overwhelmed by bouquets and casseroles from neighborhood well-wishers. He was fine. He had a lot of really irritating habits that we always just sort of blamed on... Well, on you guys. That's so funny! Anyway, this has been great."
Blair meets her elevator and Chuck is standing there, holding peonies. Her favorite. He doesn't leave the elevator, just holds them out past the door. She takes them, and stares at them. "I'm sorry. I screwed up." Blair can't meet his eyes at first; she can barely move at all. "It's too late, Chuck. I have stood by you through all of this, but I can't watch you self-destruct any longer." Chuck swears Jack set him up, holding the elevator door open with one elbow, pleading with his entire body. "There's no one to blame but yourself. I believed in you. Your father believed in you. You... Are the only one who didn't." It's a story she's telling herself, too; it's always been a story she was telling herself. Fitting all those broken edges and rough angles into the shape of it, no matter what he did. What did he say? Time to let go of the illusions? That's today.
"All I wanted to do was... Just be there? But today when you called me your wife..." -- he feels bad, knowing that was the breaking point -- "...You made it sound like the ugliest word in the world." He steps forward, watching her face, wanting to reach out and touch it, begging for her. She breathes, and pushes him back across the line. "I'm sorry, but I'm done." He steps back, and the doors close: she throws the peonies at his feet, and he stares at nothing.
J: did you talk to grandpa S?
D: no bcause shes being nuts -- did u know shes not even mad about me lying? she said she understood it because i was keeping a promise
J: makes sense
D: WOMEN! i dont get it
J: whatever lets play boggle or watch showgirls
D: i already watched showgirls so lets play boggle
J: that actually sounds fun
D: of all the humphreys in the world we are the motherfuckin humphriest
J: and we dont even know it
S: knock knock dumbo family its me and Eric ok! lol
J: grandpa Serena!
D: ...so i kept lying and lying and it was so sad!
S: i know? i was there?
D: it was a secret! I was sad!
S: fine, what was your problem
D: i want to still be your boyfriend, grandpa!
S: ok thats what i was thinking too
S: "...There's gotta be some kind of precedent for this, right?"
D: "Yeah! ...In literature! Toni Morrison maybe? Flannery O'Connor! The Russian aristocrats, before they all became hemophiliacs..."
S: Also Clueless, you pointless dork.
D: Um, that movie is a retelling of Emma, utilizing classic romantic tropes from a wide variety of some of the most respected literature in the American language, but placing them in the context of a contemporary post-feminist sensibility. It's ruined by its own accessibility and frothy enjoyable jouissance, no matter how dense and layered the writing actually is.
S: Are you just saying that because culturally we tend to undervalue the experience of and concerns of women and children, and because Clueless represents an idealized version of a young teenage girl's life, is therefore automatically worth disregarding? Without regard to the story's quality? Or even the pedagogical effects of showing the characters' growth through their experiences in a world not unlike that surrounding the intended audience and the ways, both positive and negative, that these characters respond to these common concerns?
D: Common concerns? They fight about boyfriends and clothes! And shoes!
S: What are you wearing right now?
D: Nothing special.
S: True enough. So you're saying that because they are not your concerns, they aren't valid? Without boyfriends and clothes and shoes, the human race stops procreating. Women's sexuality is the most highly regulated commodity in the universe, and 90% of societal ills for the entire history of the human race has been about controlling it. How on earth would a story focusing on the first major period of a girl's sexual development possibly be relevant?
D: Well, the characters are all affluent and that means that their thoughts and emotions don't signify.
S: Are you really willing to posit that there is an entire class of people for whom emotional life is beyond reach?
D: No, just teenage girls with money.
S: Do you ever want to have sex again?
D: I don't get what you're saying. Like at all.
S: Okay, whatever. The point is that Alicia Silverstone's character dated her ex-stepbrother -- a judgmental sort-of-gay poet who considered himself above her in every way: intellectually, ethically -- and they made it work.
D: Who was the stepbrother?
S: Paul Rudd.
D: Is it gay if you want to kiss Paul Rudd?
S: No, but let's stay on topic...
J: look im really
E: SORRY haha! I said it first. Sorry I pointed at the big elephant in the room that is your envy and loneliness
J: sorry I infantilized your sexuality in order to avoid thinking about my own
E: thats ok bcause literally everybody does it
J: good. im glad i get on your nerves
E: bcause ur desperate for attention? j/k
J: No! Well yes. but also because were like sisters!
E: ok good, almost there, lets talk about that more later
S: granpa hungry!
J: i "designed" these sandwiches just for u
Only once or twice a month does the mirror do him justice
Every other time he looks a mess
He expects a lot from it but then barely notices
"Mirror Error" comes back as Chuck strips off his tie, the one that matches Bart's, and tosses it down on the bureau to the portrait; it's the first time he's made it through a whole episode without a costume change. It's the first time they've been able to take everything away from him. He was building a life, just at the elementary blocks stage: a company, no school, a girl. But all they'll let him do is destroy it, again and again. "The problem with inheritance is that it's not always as simple as it sounds," GG explains sagely.
It's just a mask
Peel the skin away and we'll trade
I'm not so attached to this face
"Sometimes you get more than you bargained for..." Mrs. Inspektor joins her husband at that café table, and asks if it's over. He nods, guiltily: "They won't be back." She feels wretched about it too, but Mr. Inspektor is being a good dad. He's protecting his family: "We had to do it. They have money, lawyers. They wouldn't have stopped. We've already lost one son, we weren't losing another." She cries, and takes his hand.
We all create the world from in our skulls
Everything you think of is just as real as you make it
Now he only focuses on dreams
Can you make a name exist just by focusing on it
...We're like magicians when we dream
But we wake up nothing's different...
"Or you discover that in gaining one thing, you've lost something else." Lily and Rufus finally make it back to DUMBO from Boston, exhausted and carrying his bags. Lily notes how the kid, even on her worst day, was an invisible link to Rufus, connecting them across the universe. I get that. "I guess a part of me never gave up on the idea that we would finally come together, eventually. But... Maybe we weren't meant to be a family." He doesn't want to hear that part; he opens the door and grabs his stuff, tiredly.
Sitting at the kitchen counter are four children. Four children who love them more than any other adult. Jenny loves Alison, and Dan; Eric loved Bart. But for these four children, these two adults have been the center of their lives for as long as they have been alive. And without them knowing, their parents have been the center of each others' for even longer than that. And there's something wonderful to me, something Chrismukkah, in the idea that the whole time Rufus and Lily have been sparring, and fucking; guilty, and angry, and resentful, and estranged; crying, playing the guitar or drinking Chardonnay in the dark, their children have crawled across the world and found each other, and made a family without their parents ever knowing.
"But every once in a while, the fates smile upon you and you get the one thing you really need." Lily's hand reaches out and grasps Rufus's, and just like it all fits together. They've made their family out of bonds of love and history, and didn't even know it. It's a story, complete and beautiful for a moment. Not a hair out of place, nobody missing, nobody scared or afraid or alone. Dan and Serena have been best friends since she got back to town, on their own steam and without regard to what else they were. Jenny and Eric have clung to each other like kids in a storm since they met. Jenny loves Serena as fiercely and simply as Eric loves... Chuck.
Chuck. Remember him? Lily went to Boston to find the son she gave away. And while she was gone, she lost the one who needed her the most. The son that went missing because nobody cared, while a whole family grew up around the place he'd been standing, until he fell.
Because the son that went missing is kind of a dick, actually. Nobody sent bouquets or casseroles, when he disappeared. He has a lot of irritating, destructive habits we can blame on anybody but us. And the riptide that's pulling him, out of the story and out into the sea? It's still got him, and it's drawing Blair along behind. It's not letting go.