Um, this hoedown just blew my mind so I can't guarantee full linearality. Here's the shit, cervical cancer not included: Gave a cute tattoo girl my CW T-shirt. It was fun like it always is. Move to Austin if you're not cool enough where you live currently. Anyway, dumb drama. Lexi & Aaron and Serena & Dan goes like this: imagine if you will an unholy creature born of Aaron Rose's artistic pretention and Dan's... congenital same. Her name is Lexi. She is like if Aaron and Dan and Vanessa had a horrible baby, and she used to date Aaron, but now she's got her sights set on Dan. I've already made the catshit coffee joke ten times so the fact that she embodies it I can't even say how nice that makes me feel. Her Humphreyness bugs Serena, of course, because Serena is still weird but is now also full of shit.
Turns out Dan is ready to fuck, and Lexi is ready to bone a guy on the first date -- which they quaintly act like is a quality of character and not of, you know, 2009 -- so of course Serena "extends herself" (her words) to Aaron, so Dan won't win. On the other hand: devil you know, or Girl Version Of Dan you don't? Given any scene in particular, she's either an assface or the perfect dark Illyana Rasputin mirror to Dan's bullshit. Time will be the judge, but before time comes us, you and me, and I can't speak for you? But me says: "Cute, but kind of an assface."
Then things get stupid and backward-moving, although a lot of awesome shit gets said. Dan basically says the simultaneously best and worst thing he's ever thought or said, which is basically that he was dating a secret whore (Serena) and got a virgin experience (X-mas) last year, but now the whole "meaningful sex" thing means "sex is very meaningful since I haven't had sex since X-mas 2007, when I first had sex." Which is both honest and pretty obviously the worst thing he's ever said to Serena, but also the awesomest, point being Serena's not cool with Dan hooking up with Lexi, and Dan's not cool with the obverse, but luckily Serena's hatred of Lexi is so justified it would blow your mind so she wins, because OMG Lexi makes Vanessa Abrams look like the coolest cool that ever Tensta'd.
Speaking of Abrams? She... Totally rocks this week. Contrary to reality, but strangely still in character, Vanessa's usually horrific sense of moral superiority leads her to a fat-teared, beautiful and bizarrely sympathetic confession to Nate about stealing that stupid girl-handwriting letter he wrote to Jenny a bajillion years ago. I knew it! I knew Dan acting like a person would inevitably lead to not hating Dan, and then like a virus it would spread to Vanessa and she would start doing fucking awesome things just like he did. Fuck this, dude. She emotes better than Nate and she's prettier than Nate -- by a hair -- but the fact that she followed up Dan's scant awesomeness with scant awesome of her own just means they are fucking with us. When Vanessa falls to her brutal death sweeps, we'll look back and remember this is when they made us love her gorgeous assy ass.
Jenny -- prior to returning to Constance just to fuck with everybody -- creates a dress for Penelope while Hazel (looking FUCKING HOT suddenly) looks on, but when Iz shows up in an accidentally see-through dress, the Plastics talk her into giving Vanessa the transparent gown as retaliation for getting caught on Gossip Girl kissing Nate. If you're paying attention, that all makes sense, but honestly it is silly: V stole a letter from N to J, N thought J didn't love him and J thought N didn't love her, so V gets caught snogging N on GG and then J goes crazy in the atelier, which all the Plastics support (and GG besides) because Nate is Nate and thus causes otherwise intelligent young women to go apeshit and act retarded.
...Speaking of Edward Cullen, can I tell you how sparkly Chuck's tuxedo jacket is? So sparkly. And its breath smells of freesia. And dick. Which is what Chuck brings to the table, because get this: Blair and Chuck get into a Chronicles of Riddick fight about Who Knows Who that ends up -- and trust me, setting up this fake scenario is more painful than getting caught on a rooftop lubeless with a rapey Chuck Bass -- with them choosing dates for each other. And if you don't know the old Just Like Me But Different Game, you're not gay and you're not fucking a dude. Which both Chuck and Nate are, so like what's the ish.
Fake Blair is cute but uninteresting (fail), while the Fake Chuck is skinny but Totally Intense like Chuck, to an adorable degree. Oh, and the stakes are Chuck's Limo vs. Blair's Dorota. Yes. Blair just bet Dorota, fully knowing blowjobs are in the job description, because she must win. But what's darling about this, separate from the white slavery, is the fact that really they're just fighting to see who brings the better gift. Never mind that they're basically saying, "I love you so much I'm going to buy you somebody to fuck who looks and acts just like me. Hope you like it, I spent hours and days picking it out. And by 'IT' I mean the fake me that you will fuck." Obviously this results in the Brummagem Blair and Hoax Chuck Bass totally hooking up, because B + C = ∞.
Which speaking of forever, get a load of Rufus and Lily, who don't command the majority of screentime but -- as usual -- are the kings of this episode's takeaway. After Lily's whole surveillance freakout on Bart last week -- which was off-limits for many reasons, even though he pushed it first -- she runs once again to Rufus, and they end up basically hosting the big episode party together. Chuck is not feeling this, especially when Lily makes Rufus admit that letting her go moments before her wedding -- that exact moment defined by science as the Humphrey Moment where fucking it up is most likely to occur -- was idiotic, and he calls his Daddy. Better acting than anybody on this show (besides Meester, and Crawford last week) brings the show into total alignment with the stars... At which point I called foul, because Chuck totally called Daddy to get into his heart. Which is now how Chuck works, so then after the commercial break (and my concomitant heart failure) he played fair: called Daddy to come save Mommy from Rufus, while also telling Mommy that Daddy was coming, and to prepare her statement. Of course, then Bart dies or not, so it's mostly about how she's duh about Rufus which duh. But it seems clear this will be more complicated than that.
Of course, none of this Chuck awesomeness takes into account the idea of Bart TOTALLY DYING -- INSTEAD OF FUCKING VANESSA OR EVEN BETTER LEXI THE ASSFACE -- IN A CAR ACCIDENT on the way to saving Lily and Chuck from a life of Rufus's bullshit, so... I don't think God exists. Based on the merits of this episode of Gossip Girl, I mean, there is no God but Gossip Girl. week, we got Lily maybe losing (and gaining?) a husband, any number of people gaining a bro, Lily slapping the shit out of her brand-new (desperately in need of a mommy!) troubled son... Dig it, Leary fans. Dig it like I dig only you and Fallout 3 -- and frankly, after this shit goes down, there may not be a difference, but I'll stick by you nukes or not. XOXO.
Instead of talking to us, GG decides to open the episode with a checklist of crap to buy in order to survive winter in New York, and places in New York to take the crap you just bought, and the last item is a date and the last place is where you take the date, which is the senior Snowflake Charity Ball. Blair and Serena are surviving the cold in the Constance Courtyard while Blair goes through her notebook, which Dorota has printed out to read DATE OPTIONS, and list the stats of a bunch of different boys. Serena is bored by this prospect, but B issues this decree about how this is the biggest dance of the entire... Okay, you know how much I love balls, but isn't this sort of ridiculous? I mean, they can't all be the society page-dominating, crème de la crème events that B always makes them out to be? I mean, that's so Blair, right, so that's probably exactly what's going on here.
"Blair, it's addressed to Current Resident." "THAT is ME! They are offering ME 20% savings on ONE ITEM. What will it be? What shall I choose? And as you well know, Yale makes important admissions decisions based on things like shower caddies and wine rabbits. Bed Bath & Beyond is the kingmaker of affordable home furnishings! THIS IS THE SINGLEMOST IMPORTANT EVENT IN OUR YOUNG LIVES."
Serena's feeling giggly looking at all the options, who've already invited her -- "You think Angelina Jolie even considers a project without an offer on the table? I'm a strictly pay-or-play dater" -- and Chuck walks up to needle and irritate and pigtail-pull. Blair defiantly/openly affectionately tells him she's looking for something long term, and names a name. "Are you kidding. Have you ever seen him without gum? The oral fixation alone drive you insane." Blair reluctantly crosses him off and says another name, sort of loud-crazily. "Outscored your verbal on the SATs," Chuck protests, and Blair suggests that intelligent men are good for whispering mellifluous nothings in your ear. Any guy who tries that with me is getting the shoe-face. That's where I put my shoe in your face. "You only think you'll like an intelligent man. The moment he gave you a history of the word mellifluous, you'd rip out his sweetly flowing tongue." See what he did there? He's saying, "I'm smart too!" Serena spots Daniel talking to a boy on the other side of the courtyard and leaves Blair to be bothered, disgusted and mutually adored by Chuck.
And why? Because Serena's playing a little game of her own, and it's remarkably similar to Blair's little game, and it goes like this. "Hey Dan, check out this thing! Your favorite book, favorite translation, first edition. You may remember it from the time you and Amanda Lasher made fun of me and called me retarded, which caused me to become evil for a couple weeks? Magic evil powers, the whole thing? No. Well it's called Letters To A Young Poet, does that ring a bell? Isn't that the greatest present ever? Because it's NOT FOR YOU. It's for my BOYFRIEND, who is exactly like you but better in every way, hides his emotional manipulation like you but better, has no room to stand as far as judging me for my vigorous sexual appetites, is totally in college, and deserves AWESOME GIFTS like this one -- which is not, I stress, for you. Although I did buy it at the rare bookstore you told me about this week, so really in a way, it's like we're giving Aaron this present -- which you would really love -- together. Which is creepy in every possible way simultaneously! Aren't you bummed you dumped me?"
Then just like a seal squeezing those horn things, Dan ends up agreeing to take Serena to the Snowflake Ball, because Aaron won't. They couch it in all this "well, we're such good friends" and weird-ass Serena actually says, "There's something I love about the Snowflake Ball. It reminds me of Anna Karenina, only by Anna Wintour," but basically they're going to the dance together, which is awesome. Serena laughs that Dan's even going, but he admits that "some of the best memories in [his] past two years have been at those events," which is barely true, I mean if it wasn't fistfights it was Jenny getting raped all the time and anyway, whenever anything horrible happened it was usually Dan at the root of it, so I'm glad his ass was having fun.
Serena mentions that Aaron's ex Lexi is in town for the holidays, and thus Aaron will have no way of bitching at her for spending time with Dan -- Aaron's so smooth that he could make her somehow feel like Lexi's existence was her fault, so I don't know how hanging out with Dan could possibly help -- and that's actually why she just jerked him around into taking her to the Ball: because Lexi is in town. And man, if they knew what that bitch was like they wouldn't even think about going to the dance, they would be going to Florida for the winter or trying to become astronauts like Lance Bass just to get away from her. So Serena cutely bites her lip and asks Dan to come... I guess skip school with her to go look at Aaron's new installation, which is in Brooklyn of course, and features I'm sure fifty million pictures of Serena. "Here's this awesome present, j/k, and let's go to the dance, LOL, and oh let's go look at pictures of me, just for kicks, taken by my college-age boyfriend. It'll be a gas." Luckily, she bit her lip, and Dan's innate idiocy adds that extra percentage point or two, and he's down with this awful plan.
Vanessa comes running into the DUMBO loft only to find out that the big "emergency" is Jenny going cabin fever crazy because of how she randomly just called her entire life off, and nobody noticed or cared, so now she just roams the house reorganizing Rufus's records (which is how she's going to get emancipated, because somebody's gonna call CPS when he beats the shit out of her for doing that) and binding Dan's short stories and cleaning the place and whatever. Vanessa's bewildered by all this action and initiative, because the most Vanessa has ever done in a day is patronize from both a standing and sitting position, then edit the documentation of herself doing so. Jenny explains how she's getting more and more fond of Cocoa Puffs the longer she hangs out at the loft, but cannot figure out something to do that has a point. So she called Vanessa, because that's exactly how stupid she is.
Randomly Jenny starts talking about Nate, and V gets all wet-eyed and guilty and felonious. But then, her touted integrity, like her artistic talent, is something we've always just kind of had to take on faith anyway, since she never actively does anything besides run at every social or interpersonal boundary she can locate with the fierce hurry of a bull on the streets of Pamplona, and the best thing about being up in other people's business is that nobody calls you on your own business, because you have no business, because you're minding everybody's business instead. So on Jenny's list of priorities, it's 1) Nate and 2) Everything else. And on Vanessa's list of priorities are 1) I am the good guy and then 2) That is a total lie. Nate calls and she lies and says she has to meet Rufus. I would just be like, "Whoever is calling me right now is automatically less depressing than standing her watching you go slowly yellow wallpaper basically over the single fact that girls can be bitches in high school, and so can guys."
Penelope enters as Vanessa is skulking back into the darkness of her mail-tampering ways and goes "Oh hello, Weird Documentary Girl." Vanessa gets a pretty good lick in ("Goodbye, Sad Blair Wannabe") before finally scuttling away to whore it up on a Manhattan street corner somewhere in full view of the teenage paparazzi, and Jenny asks WTF she's doing there in Brooklyn. Penelope produces one of the Guerilla Fashion Polaroids and commissions a dress, and Jenny explains that the Snowflake Ball is tomorrow, and also she hates Penelope. Penny's like, "Granted. But this is about fashion, not friendship, J. Hazel and Iz keep biting my style, and I need something custom."
Yeah, because matching headbands and car coats are soooo individually Penelope that you can understand why she doesn't want to dilute the brand. Oh quick, tell me before the suspense turns deadly: will you be wearing an updo with a double-strand necklace around it like Cassiopeia, just like every single party you go to? I'm thinking yes. And I'm thinking that Iz will, in fact, be biting those moves. And if I could be permitted to go even more psychic on your ass, I'm guessing Hazel and Iz will be wearing floofy princess dresses like Penelope always does, and she's going to be wearing that same toga dress all the van der Woodsen ladies constantly wear, and furthermore I say that the Snowflake Ball is going to be held at the Apartment, just like Kiss on the Lips, and nobody will notice. Yes, I have seen the episode. You make a valid point about my psychic powers.
Anyway, Jenny's overjoyed for two seconds because of all the fucking running around and going crazy she's been doing, apparently she completely forgot to design some clothes with all this free time on her hands, and without Agnes there to tell her how this is an opportunity to create a whole new awesome line -- and then blow up it up or something -- all she needed was some mean girl to remind her of her entire job as a high school dropout. She reigns in the joy and goes, "I'm very expensive." Proving once again that Humphreys really just don't get it. Penelope's like, "Um, yeah. Good."
Lily, who is just like Jenny in many ways, has been going six kinds of Waldorf on the Snowflake Ball rather than dealing with her rapidly decomposing family -- and of course, just like her daughter, has managed to shoehorn in her old love Rufus even though I'm so sure. "Well, when you just happened to mention my background in sound systems and lack of volunteer hours at the last PTA meeting, I sort of got your signal." Because if there's one thing Rufus Humphrey really understands, it's the subtleties. Lily looks great in a black thing with a purple bow that matches her eyeshadow; Rufus looks like Rufus. Let it never be said that Lily leaps before she looks: it's just that half the time she doesn't know she's making the decision until after the consequences of the decision show up. She's like Blair, all "Oh man you're totally right. I did not see myself doing that incredibly baroque and complicated thing because I didn't notice that I wanted any of that stuff to happen, and yet it turned out just like I couldn't admit I wanted it to."
They talk about how they don't talk about Bart, just like how every conversation is about not having a conversation about Bart, and she admits that she's totally freezing him out for so-so reasons, but isn't interested in resuming relations with him until after the holidays. She -- again, just like her daughter -- invites Rufus to the dance under the pretext of discussing her husband, and Rufus is like, "Maybe, but I just spotted your husband so I'm out." I love how every scene on this show is Bart running into Rufus under stranger and more implausible circumstances, and still Lily is classy enough to be like, "What an absurd string of coincidences!" Rufus bounces, Bart comes up begging for her to stop acting insane, she totally refuses, and ices him out some more.
Welcome to the Bedford Avenue gallery, where apparently we're only showing Aaron Rose installations (and selling Starbucks coffee) now. Check back in with us week, when we have an exciting new opening by up-and-coming RISD graduate Aaron Rose. Tonight's special guest: Lexi the Exie, also known as the worst fucking human being ever to be born of mortal man and woman. How much of this episode's total love affair with Vanessa Abrams is leveraged against the fact that Exie is seriously the worst goddamn thing? She's like if you took all the worst parts of Rufus, Dan, Chuck, Vanessa, Idi Amin, and Sauron and put them all in a cute and tiny girl-sized piece of dickhead.
Exie Lexie on Aaron's newest collection of Serena Stalkeriana: "Aw, they're adorable! You know, I feel inspired to... Shop at the Gap. Or um, validate my self-image with overpriced cosmetics. Wait a minute, you sure this one didn't just come with the frame?" Aaron massages his headache and tries to explain how art sometimes involves the female form, and Lexi snorts, "Exactly! Yeah way to swing at a 2000 year old pitch. And with Blondie the Bombshell, no less..." Of course Serena and Dan arrive just in time to hear the least objectionable thing she's said so far, and Serena's like, "It is a fucking pleasure."
Nate and V are making out on the street, which is their entire relationship, and Nate asks her to Snowflake Ball and figures out that she hasn't told Little J they're dating. Not that Jenny Humphrey would be attending the senior dance of the school she doesn't go to, but whatever. Nate shows a capacity for oblivion that I really thought he'd evolved past at some point: "I know you guys are close, and I'm the last person who'd want to come between friends..." he says, and I don't recall the rest of this scene pretty much because WHAT. That is your WHOLE THING. All you are is complicated friendship-destroying threesomes. In the last month alone and without even trying you have homewreckingly played brother against sister, your old best friend against your ex-girlfriend, your old boyfriend against your new boyfriend, and in the last year you also got between a mother and son, and a year before that you drove a girl to KILL SOMEONE without the benefit of PANTS.
Anyway, some Gossip Girl spy snaps a shot of them kissing just as Vanessa is like, "I hope nobody takes our picture," and then over to Penelope bugging Jenny about Nate. And of course the truth is that Jenny/Nate is still a nonstarter for the fact that nothing ever happened because he was too busy pissing off Vanessa and Dan and being homeless and hissing and spitting at Chuck and punching his father a billion times and almost getting kidnapped to do more than drop his fifteen-year-old admirer a short note. Turns out the Archibald name is "on the social rebound" suddenly, and Penny's all about Nate again. I love how she will just always be into him, and nobody ever notices that because she doesn't actually matter. Well, her cheekbones matter.
Penelope tells her not to cry about it: "I mean, you had to know it was doomed from the start. He's Upper East Side and you're, well... Here..." Just as Jenny's about to... I have no idea, because I don't understand Jenny at all right now, there's a GG blast to both their phones. "Spotted: N swapping spit with a girl from an outer borough. Ew. Ew. Ew." Heh. Jenny and Penelope go separately and jointly crazy, and GG's loving it: "Sorry, ladies! For those of you who are hoping to find Nate Archibald under your tree, looks like he's already picked up his mistletoe-mate!"
Lily bitches at Bart, bitches at Bart, and Bart begs for forgiveness, begs for forgiveness, promises to change everything and fire his PI and burn the files and stop being interested in their lives or being controlling, whatever whatever. And can I just say that although I am on Bart's side here, I do think it's a tad bit ridiculous that he was so superfocused on Serena's underwear and Eric's second-base boyfriend when his own son rapes like six people every day, and he knows it, so either it's about PR or it's about control but at this point they've crossed that line back and forth so many times I couldn't tell you. Anyway, Lily's like, "Maybe you should go die, or maybe you should come to the Ball and continue to grovel. I don't know yet."
Aaron apologizes for Lexi because he knows she's a bit "much," and Serena's like, "My BFF is Blair Waldorf, the inventor of 'much.' The problem isn't that Lexi's a bit 'much,' the problem is that she is 'much' of an asshole. Very much." Aaron says she's just being protective, and Serena's like, "Is the bitch staying here past New Year's or what?" I was going to reproduce that whole conversation, but on paper it comes off really bitchy on Serena's part, because you don't have the sense memory of just how violated you feel on every level with Lexi around, and in fact Serena's complaints -- valid, in the way that blood dripping down the walls in your new split-level is a cause for concern -- are delivered sweetly and with all that van der Woodsen charm. And once again, there's a hilarity to be found in the fact that seriously everywhere you look there are pictures of Serena, which is awesome. Okay, so anyway "Sexual Riot" by the Metros, which is a sort of creepy song about two chavs who get an abortion in the middle of being totally trashy and stupid, Lexi decides to just go ahead and redefine asshole for herself once again. Excelsior!
"You have any Kopi Luwak back there?"
'Nuff said. I mean seriously, this is not even a conversation, it's just a postcard from the writing staff to you that goes, "Hey there, Upper East Siders, just to let you know: as much as you hate Dan and Vanessa, nothing on this show has prepared you for the bullshit that is Lexi. Here are fifteen signifiers of her horribleness, which is so extradimensionally intense that we can't even communicate it in words or concepts your puny human minds could conceptualize. She's like the Chthulu of ... bitches. So instead here are some words that will help you visualize the impossible vileness of her. Kopi Luwak. Which she drank in Indonesia." (Google it. I feel like I bring it up in every single recap anyway, so I'm not interested in talking or thinking about it. Suffice to say it's very expensive and very retarded.) Dan's like, "I am trying desperately to suck as bad as you, and I have so much practice at this that what's shocking is how you have outplayed me so greatly." She giggles at him for even trying to compete, and he is flattered. Because she is cute, don't get me wrong, and it's not like Dan has any kind of asshole immunity or else he would be living in a plastic bubble to isolate himself from himself.
Every shot of Aaron/Serena focuses first on the Serena image, then pulls out. This time maybe it's meaningful: her hair over face, with sunglasses/blinders over the Cousin Ittness of that. Aaron begs her to give Lexi a chance, and shoots puppydogs at her with such intensity that she's able to turn off every fight-or-flight response her brain is capable of creating long enough to lie and say she will. She is superhuman... And presses the advantage, getting Aaron to finally ask her to the dance. Right, because Dan was just going to be going stag anyway, so that's fine. They kiss, and Lexi comes running in abruptly yelling, "So, new plan for tonight. Dan here has agreed to give me a walking tour of Brooklyn and I thought it might be fun for the four of us to hang out, get to know each other?" [Nervous giggle.] I mean, unless the two of you guys want to hang out alone..." Awesomely, this whole annoying chirpy speech is accompanied by a frenzied succession of people looking at each other's faces desperately trying to communicate telepathically. Aaron looks at Dan and Dan looks at Serena and Serena looks at Aaron and then Lexi and then Dan and Dan looks back at Serena and Serena looks at Aaron... It's like watching an entire episode of The Hills on fast-forward. Finally Serena hilariously goes, "No, no. SOUNDS GREAT, LEXI." Serena's hate vibes go caroming off every surface, and Dan's like, "Wait, what happened?"
Vanessa drops by L'Atelier de Petite J, where she is received with perhaps less friendliness than she was expecting. Jenny goes from quiet sulky to brightly shining harpy in about five seconds, and it's amazing. For many reasons, most of all being the fact that the crosstalk in this scene is more natural and engaging than most of the arguments on this show. It's either just better-rehearsed than normal or Jessica Szhroffdskef56r is secretly as good an actor as Taylor Momsen. If you're into line readings and these sorts of scenes, it's a movable feast. Jenny's point is that Vanessa is not only a total liar who knew the truth and said nothing, but also a dick for making her feel guilty about kissing Nate at the Guerilla Fashion Show, and Vanessa's point is that Jenny was Nate-kissing long before Vanessa thought to do it behind her back. I just love that either of these idiots thinks this drama is worthwhile. Anyway, V calls Jenny "jealous," which she is, and Jenny calls Vanessa "desperate," which is like not even worth bringing up, really, because it's her one mode. Vanessa embodies desperation. To prove it, she runs off, tossing a whole "Well I'm going to the Ball with Nate," which would be a lame flounce if not for the fact that "Also I sabotaged your relationship like an insane mail bomber" is the thing she didn't say.
Blair enters her piano parlor to find Chuck playing beautifully, and nearly faints from the awesomeness. She's wearing a dress that seems to have found itself halfway between Blair and Serena, and they both whistled to it, and it ended up reluctantly coming to B, and she reluctantly put it on. That's the scenario I'm envisioning to explain B in a super-short satiny S dress like this. Chuck says that he has decided he wants to choose her Snowflake date, to prove that he knows her better than anyone else. OMG these people are like the Inuit with these million words for I♥U, if the Inuit believed that actually saying the word "snow" would cause the entire universe to end.
B agrees, on the condition that she be allowed to choose his date, and that if some vaguely defined and suspect rubric is met, one or the other of them will prove to have been "paying attention to the other's desires," and thus will win the bet. These people just... stopped even trying to make sense at some point. I mean, it's very realistic and high schooly and all that, but the fact that this even makes a little sense to either of them just proves how overextended they are emotionally at this point. It's like the duck pond thing with Dorota, only the opposite. "If you even for one second admit that you are not having fun with somebody else, I will freak out." Blair names her stakes if Chuck likes his date -- his nouveau riche limo, for a month -- and Chuck is awesome: "Fine. And if you like yours, I get Dorota." Yeah, they totally just bet a human being. As with any of their other games, I mean, it's not a new concept with them. Chuck caresses B's face and takes off; Dorota realizes she just got sold out, and gets goosebumps of horror.
Dan, trying to show off his most hideous side to Lexi, as some kind of douchenozzle mating call, and expansively talks about how he writes on these benches at this park or whatever, like, all the time with these deep thoughts, and he points at this house where Norman Mailer used to live, and how when he was even dorkier than he is right this second he used to think about knocking on the door. Lexi -- who is wearing an animal print faux-fur jacket and purple tights, okay, because she is from hell, just straight from hell, no bridge, no tunnel, no ferryboat, just hell delivered to your door -- goes, "Why didn't you?" Aaron tries to explain why that's shitty and annoying, and Lexi totally acts put off, all, "Okay. It's a door, but whatever." Like Aaron's being abusive or something. Yes, you perfect ass, it's a door. And there are people behind it, who don't know you and didn't invite you, or anybody else of the hundreds of socially maladapted losers like you, to bother them at home. But you know, whatever.
Dan's like, "I don't know why I'm always so worried about what people might think of me. It certainly hasn't paid off," and instead of pushing him into the river, Serena's like, "That sort of counts as growth!" Dan and Lexi are total soulmates because yes, Dan is hyperaware and self-conscious and pretentious like whoa, but his entire personality is about being in denial about that, or his sick need for approval, so what is he talking about? Dan's like when they ask you what your faults are and you're like, "My faults? I care too much, I take things too seriously, and I'm too detail-oriented." Serena is not actually interested in that, though, because it's really just a stepping-stone to the real news, which is that Aaron agreed to take her to the dance finally. Dan stutters and stammers, and then Lexi is like, "Lest you forget that I am right here and truly disgusting, I'm up."
"Wait, I'm sorry, pause?"
And again: Enough said. She said that shit out loud, without irony. I hope Vanessa Abrams cuts her open like a gunnysack, I really do. Somehow, I would love that. Because once Vanessa gets a load of Lexi, she can't help but change her tune, right? Lexi is like the exorcism that Vanessa needs, like Chuck was Dan's? I really hope that's where this is headed, because I really need Lexi to have a point, and it's not Aaron because Aaron doesn't have a point yet either, but if Lexi doesn't have a point then what we will have to admit is that we are nothing to this show but objects to abuse. Anyway, Lexi sort of adorably goads Dan into asking her to the Ball too, and then before you know it she drags him off to the ex-house of the deceased Norman Mailer, talking yet more annoying shit: "Come now! Ring doorbell!"
Aaron once again asks Serena if -- against all reason, body language and common sense -- she's still "okay" with the wretched creature. Serena calls it "a little When Harry Met Crazy," because what teens today love is that fresh and innovative Billy Crystal shtick and of course that would be her reference point, and Aaron up and tells Serena that Dan will be getting fucked after the Snowflake Ball, will he or no. "Lexi likes to sleep with guys on the first date. She claims it's a political statement against male-dominated sexual hypocrisy or something." Oh, of course she fucking does. Lexi! Is everything! Anybody ever hated! At once! Serena, awesomely, goes: "Can't she just... vote?" which is the kind of shit that makes Serena my total fave, and Aaron just blows her off. And then instructs her not to care about it. Like he literally goes, "Whatever." And she giggles and tosses her hair and goes, "Yeah! Whatever!" Yikes. Last week when he made dinner and she was like, "That's my cue to get off the phone," I thought it was just unfortunate word choice, but no: we're going to the College Boys Don't Even Know They're Turning You Slowly Into A Retard Sex Doll So You Have To Watch Out story. Which provides enough of a point for Aaron that I can forgive his facial and hair and facial hair situations.
Chuck asks his father not to go to this Miami business meeting, given the situation with Lily, and Bart whisper-yells about how the whole Thanksgiving debacle was his fault anyway, for giving Eric the files, and removes his affection and approval as swiftly as he gave it, the night of Charlie Trout. Which saddens and shames Chuck, because he was A) just excited about the novelty of showing his best little brother the safe and B) values disclosure almost as much as he values this family unit, which we talked about before with how of course he and Vanessa get along, because they both like telling secrets and having things out on the table, because he's on the other side of the burlesque from B or even Serena.
Chuck's priorities have been shifting every since the wedding, and I honestly think that as much as he yearns for Bart's love, he is just as committed to Lily and Serena and Eric, to their actual family actually working, and that's the real reason he cracked the safe. Because all the surveillance and shit never bothered him -- you need a sense of shame to operate in a shame culture, or else it's just information -- he had no actual way of knowing how freaked out the blondes would get about it. So he managed to break, like, the only three promises he's ever made in his life, and hurt the only people besides Nate that he is openly allowed to love honestly. And then and only then, on top of these things, he pissed off his Dad.
Jenny shows up with Penelope's dress and gets a facefull of attitude from the Plastics -- Hazel is looking remarkably hot this week -- but Penny changes her tune when Jenny tells her about the fight with Vanessa. Right then, Isabel appears in a -- you heard me! -- silver toga dress with a single knotted strap, looking amazing... But it's also unlined and see-through. The Plastics laugh at Iz and crack sort of lame jokes about it for a bit, and Jenny randomly (randomly) goes, "Oh, what do you guys think Vanessa's wearing to the Ball?" Who knows why she asked this, raise your hand. I have no idea. Penelope gets a sneaky look on her face and asks Jenny if the unlined dress doesn't look a bit like one of hers. Jenny sniffs at that, and Penelope's like, "Um, get crucial." Jenny puts it together and they all grin evilly and Jenny's like, "I cannot believe how horrible I am about to be, but you're right: I totally am going to give that see-through dress to Vanessa Abrams and pretend I made it." GG is like, "This. Is going to be awesome."
Serena's doing her nails while B runs around her bedroom in a mustard-colored Blair shirt, yakking at her about the Chuck thing. "Chuck is in for the shock of his life. I have depths he'll never plumb, but I know every inch of his wafer-thin soul." Serena points out that it's hard to see somebody with your ex, presumably even if they're not a monstrous cave creature from the assy depths of Satan's playground, and fills B in on their new plans to Snowflake it up as a group. Serena says her weirdest thing of the episode: "I found out she tends to... Extend herself to guys on the first date," like, who says that, and B doesn't understand why Serena cares. "We're friends, so shouldn't I, like, give him a heads-up or something?" B sympathizes with the pain of every high school boy who got "caught off-guard" by magical first-date sex, and S agrees with that rational point. Not that she will avoid "warning" him about it anyway, because she really is just like her mother, but she will know that she is being stupid when she does it, which is the only way you should ever do stupid things: eyes open!
B says by way of comparison that Dan probably doesn't relish thoughts of S and Aaron, and S stays quiet doing her nails, and then Blair -- who I remind you has had sex maybe five times, with not one but two dudes who are gayer than actual gay dudes, ever, and so of course she's authority -- plunges into total liardom. "Why not? He's hot [wrong], and you actually like him [wrong]. How often do you find that in the same guy?" (Duh, for Serena that is the same thing, which is why Serena is awesome.) S explains that she doesn't want to risk it or some shit, and B's like, "Well, I've never met a situation that wasn't drastically improved by meaningless and petty competition, so maybe you should fuck Aaron just to even the score with Dan?" S agrees with this insane logic, of course, because who is better at dating than the Dowager Blair? Almost anyone on Earth, but not Serena van der Woodsen.
Jenny walks into the gallery coffeeshop, and Vanessa's like, "What, you're gonna kill me and put me in that garment bag?" Would that you did, Little J, before I found a place in my heart for Vanessa Abrams! The world would be a brighter place! Jenny tells her she was up all night making the dress before she realized it was for Vanessa, and Vanessa tries to... I don't know what, exactly, but it involves a hugely scrunched-up face, and Jenny again makes the Blair face of "I am careening out of control but I can't stop myself!" and makes her try on the naked dress.
Blair paces, screaming at Dorota about how their asses are on the line now and Dorota's considerable PI skills are just not up to par. "Kristin Curran is the loosest girl in our class! Don't you know that Chuck doesn't like his fruit pre-picked?" Dorota protests that Kristin Curran has long hair, which symbolizes something in Poland, but Blair keeps on shrieking. "And Elizabeth Phillips? Is somewhere between Mormon and moron! How did you come up with these?" Dorota explains that she's joined some Facebook groups, hilariously, and B's like, Look. "This has to be Chuck's dream girl. Intelligent but not a bookworm, strong-willed but still feminine. An equal. And he likes brunettes, with deep brown eyes." Dorota looks at her all, "listen, crazy," but explains that B's describing herself, obviously, and B shouts and offers much in the way of threats. "Please! I don't want to shine Mr. Chuck's shoes for month..." B offers a scary aside that, yes, "shoes" if she's lucky, and Dorota tap-tap-taps away, utterly terrified.
Dan calls Serena to tell her that first, when you rent a tux in Brooklyn they throw in the shoes, and also to ask if she's still "okay" with this horrible plan. I love how this whole episode is the boys putting S in this untenable situation and then asking her a billion times if it's okay, knowing that she won't back down. How maddening! She tells him they've outgrown drama -- HA! -- and then the conversation sort of trails off. She hangs up and Aaron comes in wearing a tux without a tie, which looks ridiculous and is thus perfect for him, and they have that same conversation for I think the fifth time, and finally to shut him up she promises to bone him afterward. Aaron refuses to see the obvious correlation between Lexi's slutty ways and Serena's sudden interest in doing him, and they make out for awhile.
Jenny, anxious to get away from Vanessa before Vanessa figures out that there's something devilish going on, and Vanessa's trying to come clean about the Nate relationship, and apologizes for always being jealous of Dan and Jenny's great life, but Jenny isn't even hearing it. She launches into a preamble to explaining her felony, but Jenny cuts her off and leaves when Nate calls, so she just tells Nate she wants to confess a horrible thing instead.
Lily, wearing yet another beautiful toga dress, calls Bart's secretary -- a Mrs. Landingham, for you fans of foreshadowing out there -- to invite him back into her life, but changes her mind when she learns that he's meeting with the PI, whom Bart sort of fudged having fired. Which is such an ironic parallel to the constant Purloined Letter/escape from Mantua highjinks, because he honestly is firing the PI as we speak, but she doesn't know that.
Glowing party platters with martinis, good music with actual good dancing shots for the first time in a while, and a bunch of snowflakes all over the place. Iz is wearing a superfloofy petticoated pinkish number, Hazel's got her girls on high alert in a similar dress and hair flattened into a cute flip, and Penelope is wearing the beautiful, bias-cut J dress. Both she and Iz have the wonderful Grecian Urn hair thing happening, of course, and Penny exposits the evil plan. "Brooklyn Betty walks in, we cue the song... Hazel's new boyfriend hits her with the spotlight..." Hazel mutters dark hatred and fake-smiles at the dork they convinced to help them, and Penelope pushes the half-assed fairytale motif that runs throughout this episode but never really scores a solid hit: "And we expose her in nothing but her cheap glass slippers." Nate zooms by, stopping just long enough to agree to save Penelope a dance, and goes wandering off like he always does, with those slightly confused stars and whirligigs swirling around his cute little stoned head.
Nastia Liukin randomly appears, hits on Chuck, and is chased away by Blair. Nastia see you, Liukin! Chuck tells B -- looking superhot in a dark blue gown with panelled neckline -- that she looks lovely, and she demands to meet her Prince Uncharming. Speaking of charm: "Sandbox rules. I'll show you mine if you show me yours." Ick, Chuck! Blair introduces him to Justine, who is a pale version of B to be sure, and then this hilarious dude comes in making Chuck Bass faces, and Blair laughs at this poor showing on Real Chuck's part. "You can't be serious!" She drags Chuck away from Justine and McRapin, who stare and stare and say nothing.
Serena and Dan and Lexi and Aaron dance around like dorky third graders, and it's amazing. Lexi informs Dan for no good reason that Aaron told her for no good reason about how S is going to be having sex with her boyfriend. Dan's amazed, of course, that Serena has held off this long, and Lexi calls him stupid, and then decides to also sleep with him based on the fact that he is somewhat thrown, and therefore has undetermined feelings about the Serena/Aaron hookup, and thus is obviously someone you should hook up with.
"We both know that I'm you're one and only. And a Canal Street knockoff seemed like the best option." I love most of all how Blair and Chuck can just honestly look each other in the eye and say, "You and I both know that we are in love and always will be," and yet pretend that they're not saying that. When Chuck agrees with this logic, Blair gets huffy. "Fine! You know, if beta-Bass is anything like the original, I've no doubt that sooner or later he'll disappointment me," she sniffs randomly, and Chuck says he's looking forward to checking under the hood: "To see if the new Blair has all the features I so enjoyed on the old model." B's somewhat stricken by this, but when he asks if she wants to concede she flies off the handle and stomps away. He stares after her sweetly, because she is insane and wonderful and completely inured to reality.
Lily approaches Rufus, who immediately asks after Bart, and right when they meet the song changes to the horrible, stupid "Breakdown" by Deerheart, a band and song that are my Kryptonite but are perfect for the ridiculously emo, childish drama these two kids love to engage in. Like, she's all "I'm leaving Bart, but not so I can be with you, but please dance with me," and the song literally goes, "Well I like you, you like me/ Seems that we fit so perfectly/ You make me feel worthy/ And I've let you take care of me/ We're alright now/ Gonna break down the breakdown.../ I love you, you love me/ Oh but lately something's wearing on me/ I've been growing, I've been changing/ And seems like you're barely moving.../ I love you, you love me/ Is it possible we love differently/ You need me but I need to/ Feel strong baby without you..." Ugh, I hate that song so much. It's like, you could write a song about putting on your shoes and how first you put on your left sock and then your right sock and then your left shoe and then your right shoe and then you grabbed your keys and remembered to tie first your left and then your right shoe. You could sing a song about that. But why?
The camera follows a random cute gay dude over to some intense cinematography where like, Dan is foregrounded with fuzzy S in the back, and then vice versa, and then they look at each other, and he makes this funny heard-jerk toward the dance floor and that godawful song is still playing, and they go "dance" some more, which is outrageously awesome. Dan immediately goes, "So you're going to sleep with Aaron for the first time tonight, I heard," and Serena's like "I will smack that girl Lexi into tiny tiny pieces" and Dan's like, "No, I just thought that friends talk about these things." Which they ... don't, usually, and not fake ex-boyfriend "friends" ever, and Serena goes, "Well, what's there to talk about? We've been dating for a while, we've gotten to know each other. It's not like we're rushing into anything." She can't meet his eyes, because this is undeniably creepy to be doing, period, so she goes on the offensive about how the relationship is important to "some people," for example "people who are not Lexi," who is a "whore," and Dan pretty much prematurely ejaculates all over his rented Brooklyn tuxedo.
Which is... Not what Serena was expecting, I guess, although maybe she just doesn't know heterosexual high school boys very well, having never met one, and thus doesn't know that Sex > Everything Ever, so she's disappointed that he views the sex with Exie Lexi with a certain amount of anticipation. He's like, "Except for that hummer I got from Georgina Sparks I really didn't think sex was in the cards for me right away, so that's great news." Offended, Serena goes slightly overboard about how she always thought sex was a bit more meaningful to him than that, and his response is beautiful, and so right on, and so completely inappropriate all at once: "Well, it is. Especially when I haven't had it in a long time." See, this is the Dan Humphrey I understand. To his credit, he immediately realizes he fucked that one up, but it's too late: Serena plasters that Rhodes women smile on her face and vanishes into the crowd. Before he can follow her -- what is with Humphreys losing people in crowds? -- Lexi appears and commandeers him away from the scene of the awesome crime.
Vanessa spots Jenny and wonders for a second why she's even at the ball, but then decides to tell her she's breaking up with Nate, but still doesn't tell her about the Purloined Letter or its girly Archibald handwriting. "I never meant to hurt you. Please believe that." J swallows and V walks off, and meanwhile Penelope is like, "Where the eff is Vanessa? How long does that subway thingy take?" They spot her finally, walking up to Nate, and then Vanessa becomes amazing. Not only what she says, but the way she says it, the perfect modulation of her voice, the big fat tear running down her cheek, I mean: she got me. Jessica Szzyygy deserves so much better than the old Vanessa; I hope this is a sign of greatness to come:
"I need tell you something. And while I do, I need for you not to say anything." Nate, who never says anything ever and can barely follow simple linear conversations, agrees avidly. "I've um... I've never... Felt this way about anyone before. Never. And it made me do something that I can't believe I did." She pulls out the letter and hands it over with the intensely sad, just brutal tears pouring down. "Jenny never got your letter. That's why you never heard from her again. I took it before she saw it," she admits, as grossed out by herself as we've always been, voice cracking: "And I'm sorry."
You know, actually this is not the first time that I have been swayed by the Abrams. The party where the lights went out, that was well-written because you didn't know how much she was giving up until the last scene, in Brooklyn, so you just thought it was drama until she told Dan about Nate's whole prostitution scheme with the Duchess, and then it was like, "Vanessa is kind of awesome right now." The difference being, of course, that I hoped it was the first and last time, because she's fun to hate. And then they made Chuck like her, which is central to anybody on this show making it through my metal detector, and I got worried. But now, I mean, she's just acting the shit of this episode, and you see the chinks in the armor and the sheer amount of energy it takes to be Vanessa Abrams all the time, and how much moral perfection she demands of herself in the pursuit of being superior to everybody, like, I thought it was sort of viciously brilliant that she did such a horrible thing. But to see how totally fucking rocked she feels by it after the fact, and how much she really wants this but is willing to sacrifice it in the pursuit of being the good person she pretends to be... That's well done, of course, but soo much of the credit goes to Jessica Scabran8&2cadabra. In fact, I am going to go learn her last name right this second, in honor of this scene. It is Szohr. The Szohr Award for Awesomeness Ex Nihilo goes to Jessica Szohr.
Jenny runs after her to stop V before the Carrie music starts and her telepathic powers kill everybody, even William Katt and the nice gym teacher, but yet again a Humphrey loses somebody in a crowd, but this time V doesn't get too far before she's illuminated by Hazel's dorky fake boyfriend, and... You can see how this was truly shocking on paper, like, how embarrassing to have your bits light up through a gorgeous unlined dress, but I would put to you that perhaps there's no way it could be as horrible visually as it appears in your mind's eye without actually becoming as pornographic as we're supposed to think it is, so whatever. I may not get the group dancing whenever I need it, which is all the time, but that suspension of disbelief is just sitting there earning interest, you know? So OMG she's naked and everybody laughs and points and stares in slow motion, and even GG is sort of snidely moved: "Poor Vanessa. Even Cinderella was given the courtesy of a stealth getaway. Then again, what's a pair of ugly stepsisters compared to Jenny Humphrey? Looks like it might turn out to be an Unhappily Ever After for everyone." Jenny continues to run after her and continues to be stymied by basic Brownian motion.
Nate comes up and yells at Jenny for pulling that shit, and Jenny tries to explain that Vanessa called her "jealous" and kissed him behind her back even though they weren't dating and hadn't spoken in weeks, but even she sort of has to admit that the evidence falls apart under scrutiny. Nate is just totally freaked out by this, like last time with the yogurt, and finally he's like, "I am going to punish you now!" So he tells her about the letter, and how he was in love with her, and manages to spin V's thievery of said letter as negligible compared to Jenny setting her up for nudity, saying he's glad J never got it because she's not the woman he thought she was. I have to admit, I was sort of unnerved by how catty and petty the whole thing was, but I thought they set it up well. Still, I can see where he's coming from. It's like when you're dating a fifteen-year-old and expecting them to act adult, man, they always let you down.
Blair drags Chuck all over the place looking for Justine and McRapin, and they finally find them making out in a corner. "This is the worst out-of-body experience ever!" She claps her hands at them like when your cat is clawing the furniture, and they bust apart: "Hey! Explain this!" McRapin offers his best Chuck voice and they explain that when B and Chuck disappeared, they went to the roof to look at the city -- Chuck is smug about that, because of course fake Chuck would immediately drag his date up to the roof -- and realized they were just meant for each other. "But she's me! Only less! I gave her that headband!" Ah, Blair Waldorf headband jokes: never less than beautiful. McRapin promises they're just as surprised as their more real counterparts, and then they go back to making out. "Everyone, even our doppelgangers, can work it out?" B screams. "But we can't?" Chuck has nothing to say to that, because the only things they can say are off-limits, so she runs off all shouty and sweaty.
Lily whines to Rufus outside about how she's made up her mind and that's it. "I hate that I have to hurt him. I know it sounds strange, but I suddenly feel horrible about what I have to do." Rufus -- kindly -- says he would be worried if she didn't, because Rufus of all people knows that Lily's motivations are never suspect and that she never does stupid shit she's going to regret later in exchange for money and gifts. Lily thinks about the kids -- sometimes when you have a family you have to think about them for a second before you go back to droning on and on about yourself -- and almost sobs about how Eric loves Bart and Chuck so much. Which, I agree, is the worst part of this scenario.
"Eric wants you to be happy," Rufus says lamely, and then manages not to laugh right in Lily's face when she goes, "I never thought my life would turn out like this. I've always tried to do the right thing!" Which is... just dumb. Her life is exactly like this because she made sure it would be, and they had a little meeting five seconds before the wedding wherein they discussed how this is how her life was going to be. Rufus watches her for awhile, trying to be okay with her constantly and rapidly changing life: "It's all you can do. Just, uh... Smile and fake it." He looks away, trying to do both and failing both, and hurting again because he knows that when she leaves Bart his heart will open up to her, and she will just go find another Bart and break him again, and there's nothing either of them can do about it.
"Tell me something, Rufus. Something you shouldn't." Not because I'm going to run off with you, but just to add that little bit of angst lubrication you always bring to the table before I fling myself and my family into yet another bizarre abyss. "I never wanted to weigh in about your relationship with Bart," he says quietly, and she nods. "I was... Afraid of what I might say." So was she. She inches forward on her bench, every nerve and muscle screaming, come on come on come on: "Which was?" Oh, he looks like a man but damn, he breaks just like a little girl: "I let you go on your wedding day because I was afraid I couldn't give you what you needed. I wasn't sure what I needed. And I have regretted it every day since." Chuck sees them mooning at each other and pulls out a gun. I mean, his phone.
In the limo, Bart is reminding the PI that he done got fired before the Miami trip, and the greaseball is like, "Okay, but first you have to hear this amazing shit I found out." Chuck calls right then and goes, "She's here. Lily's at the Ball. With Rufus Humphrey. And from what I'm seeing, you should figure something out and get down here now." Bart hangs up and asks the PI what he's got; he hates to do this, to break another promise, but sometimes knowing all you can before you head into battle is the only way everybody can win, and that's the thing he kept trying to tell her.
But I was still sort of incensed at this point, because the commercial break is just long enough for you to go, "That's lame. Chuck would never do that, because Chuck is focused on the family. His father's love is ego and it's something he will always want and need, but Chuck has done some impressive shit to keep this family together before. Either he honestly thinks Lily's jumping ship and he's just trying to get everything out on the table, or he ... is acting really out of character. I didn't like it, it seemed mean. But then after the commercial, he strides directly over to Lily, who stands up guiltily and wonders how bad it's about to get. "You've been good for him. Good for us. I always liked you, regardless of how I may have acted." She makes her "and?" face. "He's on his way here."
She nods, he's right, and only Chuck is strong enough, and loves them both enough, and wants their family so badly, and cares so much about disclosure, that he would be the one to rip this bandage off sooner rather than later. "You owe him a conversation." Really, it's just like when he slept with B that time, to break her and Nate up for good: if you have no shame then you don't really worry about being the bad guy, and that's why he's not the bad guy. He needs a mommy worse than Peter Pan -- which has always been the saddest and most transparent thing about him -- and he needs Eric and Serena more than he will ever figure out, but right now it's more important that everybody be honest, and that just happens to be honorable as well. God, I love it when they let him do this.
These are the kind of conversations Nate and Vanessa have:
Archibald: Vanessa, wait! You stole my letter!
Abrams: I know.
Archibald: Is there anything else you want to tell me?
Abrams: Pretty sure that was it.
Archibald: You said you never felt this way about anyone before. Is that true?
Vanessa is just completely undone at this point, like, crying through the veil of WTF, and asks how that could possibly matter. Nate explains that he spontaneously decided that he was in love with her, and they make out. They are so easy, I love it. Because Nate doesn't have reasons for anything he says or does, you can always trust everything he says or does because it's authentic. On another note, I can't believe how pleased I am that they are getting together. Everything is so weird right now! "Easy for you to say, because you didn't just pull a Janet Jackson at the Snowflake Ball." They head off for a drink -- "Somewhere dark, with no backlighting?" "Maybe a little backlighting!" -- laughing and kissing, with the shroud of Jenny Humphrey staring after them. Is it possible for her to go even crazier than she did last time? Maybe, but I don't think Nate's the one to do it. I wish Georgina would come back, or Agnes, and pull a full-on "Now we go to Crazy for no reason" party on her ass, but maybe she deserves a little downtime.
Penelope and the Plastics run up to huff and puff about how they saw Jenny try to stop Vanessa from falling into their evil trap, and Jenny's like, "You guys are bitches. I'm pathetic for wanting to be one of you, and also pathetic for ever being scared of you." The one thing about homelessness that rocks is how afterwards you are no longer scared of Mean Girl games. Trust. "Either way that leaves you with pathetic," Penelope points out, and aims a random potshot at how Vanessa is Jenny's friend. And to Jenny's credit, having just witnessed the love of all time getting into a cab and driving away without her, she's like, "Yeah, Vanessa? Vanessa is ten times the person you will ever be. That is why you hate her so much." Hazel points out that she talks big game for a Brooklyn hermit, and Jenny is like, "Oh, I am aiming myself directly at Constance Billard for that one, and you will see some shit you never imagined."
Which is so, so awesome that they accomplished getting Jenny back to school that way, like, equal points boredom and wanting to demonstrate her superiority to the Plastics. Considering Blair is just openly affectionate at this point (well, for a Waldorf) and Serena has pretty much always adored her, I don't see where she has cause to worry. Just don't date any controlling gay dog-walkers or door-to-door hotdog salesmen, and you'll be fine. Oh, and stay away from Elise, she's creepy.
All the lonely stepsisters of Constance sadly watch the happy couples dancing, cheek to cheek; one of them is Blair. She stands above them like a queen; Chuck joins her, looking down. "Dance with me," he says, and she asks him what the point is, gesturing toward the happy high school couples. "We're never gonna be them. You said so, remember? It's not for us." Chuck says, again, that he wouldn't give up what they have just to be ordinary. Which is totally code for I Love You, but whatever. "And what do we have, Chuck? You tell me." He looks down at her, a little moved: "Tonight." With his world and his family falling down around him, you bet your ass we have tonight. She's touched. "So shut up," he says, drawing her eyes to his face, "And dance with me." He leads her down the steps to the floor, hypnotized almost, grinning to herself about how yes, if you give it a second and remember nobody's watching, this is more than good enough. It's perfect. So many people were vying for Princess tonight: Jenny, Vanessa, the Serena/Lexi stuff, the Plastic Stepsisters... And now it's her. It was always her. She just couldn't see that until he showed her.
Lily stands around all weird, waiting for Bart to come and to be strong enough to end it, and gets a call from a RESTRICTED number. The person on the line tells her something bad. Something really bad, that almost happened in last year's finale, Casablanca lilies included, but waited until now. If Bart dies, then Lily becomes the newest money of all, with three children and a Palace of her own. And Chuck gets a mommy, finally, and they become a family again. If Bart dies, that's what should happen. I don't think it will.
Dan tries desperately to avoid going home alone with Lexi, because honestly he's nervous and she's being frankly territorial, and begging her to go out to eat first with Aaron and Serena before she commences sexing him up, and just then Aaron and Serena walk up and she asks to speak to Dan. Dan, who as recently as the beginning of the dance said maybe the worst thing anybody could possibly say to her. Aaron and Lexi skedaddle, and Serena apologizes to him for storming off. This girl, for all that she's eleven feet tall, still manages to be 90% boobs and the remaining % hair. I don't know how she does it. They awkwardly "clear" the "air" about their various ill-intentioned sexual plans, Dan apologizes for once for prying, good on him, and just as they're closing down the conversation because there's nothing left to say, Dan pulls some awesome out of his hat.
"It was meaningful with you," he blurts, and she turns around quickly. "It was the greatest night of my life." She smiles and agrees: her too. And then Dan ruins everything, all, "Why does it feel like we're cutting some mythological tie?" It doesn't. That's just what TV people say when the show expects you to care. But if this show expects us to care about Dan and Serena, they need a little more "tie" in their "mythological tie," not to mention a shitload more "mythological." On the other hand, both Dan and Serena tend to mythologize everything in their lives from shoes to snacks to the Inspector Number of the person who inspected their undies, so of course they feel like this. Serena agrees, and before they can continue talking about how dramatic every fucking thing is, real drama turns up in the form of shaking, weeping Lily Bass, looking everywhere for her son Charles, to tell him there's been an accident.
Does Gossip Girl actually look like New York? Not so much. See what we think.