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How, how, how have we lived even a moment without this show? Gossip Girl is back and more perfectly awesome than ever.
Spotted: Chuck pissing off Serena in their new shared household and corrupting Eric as quickly as he can. After a series of incriminating deliveries to S -- porn, champagne, cocaine -- Bart kicks C out of the house for causing trouble.
S is forced to apologize once she learns who's been sending the naughty gifts: the mysterious "G," who promises to return to the UES shortly. Just the letter G is apparently enough to scare the shit out of them both, causing a sweet and unnerving reconciliation between the soon-to-be siblings.
But the real news is Little J, who overshadows the fallen Queen B's return to school by causing a major scandal. She's been selling her sewing machine and household items to keep up with the Bitches, and when the shit finally comes due she decides to steal a dress from Hazel's house. Which turns out not to be a random gown, but a custom Valentino worth like a billion dollars.
After a series of humiliations, B turns up the heat in her own special, chaotic way, and J ends up getting caught in the stolen dress and left by the Bitches for dead. Then! A last minute genius maneuver -- involving turning poor Nate's ass out yet again -- puts J back on top again!
Everybody is scary! XO! XO! XO! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Way too long previouslies, about which I am of two minds, because on the one hand it's nice to be reminded, I guess, but are we still pretending that recaps are for people who missed the episode or episodes? The longer the previouslies, the more likely it is that a new viewer is going to throw up her hands and say that this show is too hard. When the fact is, to understand this episode, you only have to know that Blair is a bitch and got totally boned, in a social context, and that Jenny is an idiot, and is asking to be destroyed. And to enjoy the episode, you need less than that: just eyes, a heart, and a love of bright colors. And, you know, best episode title possibly ever, so there's that too.
It starts with a visually impressive redux of the last scene of Breakfast At Tiffany's, which is kind of important in that the movie is key to Blair's whole personality and though it's been mentioned before, it's never been actually visually represented on the show beyond some wardrobe stuff and references. This is brilliant, though. If you haven't seen that movie, go see it. I'll wait.
Wasn't that so good? That's my favorite movie. Okay, so at this point in the story "Holly" (Blair) has just discovered that her sleazy Brazilian boyfriend José da Silva Pereira (Chuck) has no interest of joining her in infamy or rescuing her from her total social destruction. (Only instead of a pregnancy scare from two babydaddies, it has to do with the Mob, whatever.) "Holly" kind of massively flips out in front of her actual true-love boyfriend, "Fred" (Nate) and decides to let her cat, "Cat," go free in the streets of NYC, in order to prove that she's this amazing free wild creature. The cool thing about all this is that their names are not "Holly," "Fred" or "Cat," their actual names are other names, but "Holly" goes around changing everybody's name all the time because she thinks she's Penny Lane and this isn't the real world, because in reality she and "Fred" are both total prostitutes. Literal.
So edgy! And let's not even discuss Mickey Rooney's totally racist turn as the landlord, because in twenty years I have not figured out an adequate way to reconcile that shit. So then when Holly lets Cat go she experiences a total freak out and goes running around looking for him, talking her bullshit about how they're going to be wild creatures together, which is when "Fred" comes looking for her, and in the movie they realize they're in love and whatever, they both look totally hot in the rain. And her hair is just like that, and their clothes are just like that, and George Peppard was once a wild hottie before he was on The A-Team 140 years after this movie was made.
So Blair/Holly/LulaMae's running around looking for Cat/a cat/her lost mojo -- with the most excellent addition of interjecting a tiny Blairlike "Ew!" in the middle of her screaming for Cat -- and then Nate/Fred/Paul comes up and he looks perfect, the hair people on this show should be millionaires, and he goes, "You don't have a cat, Jenny. You don't have anyone." Which is a painful reversal from the movie, where Paul is a big old girl who gives these masculine speeches about love all the time. And the whole time, Blair's screaming, "But I'm Blair. I'm Blair!"
And then the Wayne and Garth waterfall fingers, and Dorota is doing her best to wake Blair up, resulting in both of them saying her name like sixty times, and Gossip Girl -- Hey, hi! -- is all, "Spring Break is done, and I'm starved for the dish. Were you sunning in Capri or sinning in Croatia? Give me the deets." (Gossip Girl says we can still say "deets," so file that shit away.) Blair's like, WTF, and Dorota sums up: "You have bad dream, and you're sleeping with your chocolates." Blair makes out with her box of Godiva a little bit, and Gossip Girl wonders where "dethroned royalty" like ex-Queen B vacationed. I thought France, but Dorota says "Club Bed." Which isn't even that clever, but I didn't even know Dorota could talk so she gets a bye. It's smart to place the hiatus over Spring Break like this, I used to love it when The O.C. did stuff like that. Blair whines that she's not ready for her first day back, and orders Dorota to cancel with Serena, and cover her mirrors because she's in mourning for her former life. Wait, are we admitting Jews exist now? Only the Asian-Israeli ones, you say? Well, that makes sense.
Serena runs around the Bass penthouse scrambling to get ready, and finally yells at Chuck through the bathroom door. "Are you done yet?" She finally walks in, because what, like everybody in the tri-state area hasn't seen his junk by now, and he's just sitting on the sink smoking a doob and grinning meanly. She yells at him some more, and he calls to the ladies in the shower to make room for his sister. She's grossed out, and he says he's just messing with her, there are no ladies, but she ignores it and takes the joint out of his mouth and yells at him for smoking up in her bathroom. He smarms around for awhile and they have this hilarious chemistry where she's just totally exasperated and he is loving it, and the whole time they're expositing about how their parents are getting married, she keeps taking away his joint and tossing it, and he keeps picking it up and trying to light it again. "I am not your sister. I do not share any of your DNA, nor do I ever wish to." He suggests, in one of if not the best line of the episode, that she get some new hand towels, then, and she's not even dealing with that. She asks him again to leave, and finally just decides to forego her shower and runs off, grossed out by life.
The new post-Blair Bitches of Constance are walking to school, and here's what they are wearing. Iz is in a totally fetch white-and-yellow striped slicker. (Kati is back in Israel, so now they're letting Iz talk.) Penelope, who is the one we thought was Hazel before the break, that looks like Blair and Chuck's imaginary baby, is wearing bright red. The real Hazel is the squat blonde that looks like Natalie Maines crossed with a Hobbit, and she always wears the cutest clothes of them: lavender peacoat and headband, necktie, twelve necklaces, and a giant garish red bag. And there's Little Jenny Humphrey with cute hair, a classic ivory coat, an old-lady widow's collar thing, a purple headband and matching giant garish purple purse. Lots of red and purple going on with this crew. Remember when the moms used to get together and drink bellinis in purple dresses and red hats? The '90s were weird. Oh, and Elise -- the goat of the group that looks five and carried Jenny's books -- is wearing a bunch of pink as usual.
Isabel has her broken arm in a striking green sling, swearing that year they're Spring Breaking in Maldives, because skiing is too dangerous. Penelope laughs that she broke her arm in the spa, and Little J hands Hazel a bracelet that she borrowed from her during the Aspen trip they all just back from, and Hazel's like, "You know you could've just kept it, I would've forgot I had it." Jenny files away in her pointy little head that apparently Hazel is cool with getting shit stolen from her, and Penelope changes the subject to Jenny's birthday party tomorrow at Socialista. Jenny waxes excited about the mojitos and Iz tells her to hold off on exploding with delight until she's wrapped her mouth around a mini-Cuban. Then, I think Jenny tries to explain that she doesn't go down on small Cubans; Penelope laughs and explains that it's a sandwich and asks what everybody's wearing to the party. Hazel is feeling her Ferragamo clutch and whatever dress she'll buy to go with it. Jenny mumbles that she's got some dresses on hold at Bendel's. Iz points out an ATM that Jenny could use to pay Penelope back the $120 from "brunch," reminding us that time and space have no meaning in the UES, but Penelope doesn't feel like stopping, so Jenny is spared the indignity of insufficient funds for at least a while.
Serena and Chuck come running down the stairs Chez Bass, where Eric is lurking around, hiding from his valet. "He wanted to put my socks on for me this morning!" Chuck sleazes that if Eric thinks that the servants are attentive now, he should meet the new Latvian maid Brigitta. Still laboring under the misapprehension that her brother will ever know the touch of a woman, Serena yells that Eric's only fourteen and needs to avoid "this person" Brigitta at all costs. Chuck tries to remind Serena that she did at one point have a sense of humor, but Serena is not hearing it. I think this is due to Dan's influence.
The three kids hit the breakfast table, where Bart is reading The Observer and Lily is looking totally wonderful as always. Chuck lays on the charm pretty thickly, kissing Lily's hand, although he does call her "Lily von Bulow," which is not the most charming reference you can think of, but Lily lets it go because she adores Chuck. Enjoying her new Ladies That Lunch persona to the hilt, Lily absently complains about how frustrating the wedding planner is being, and Chuck says that aggravation becomes her, and Lily grins, and Serena nearly barfs. Lily points out that Serena has chosen not to shower today, and Chuck grins. S snags like a grape and heads off to meet Blair; Chuck tells Eric they can take the limo. After Serena leaves, there's a beat in which Bart wonders what his evil son is up to now, and then blows Chuck's mind. "As my best man, I expect you to keep things smooth until the wedding." Lily is so happy! Chuck stammers a bit and then offers an OJ toast, to "family."
DUMBO, where Dan is just back from visiting his horrible mother upstate, looking for Jenny and eating breakfast. Rufus explains that she slept at Hazel's with the other girls, and further explains that it was Hazel's family that took them all to Aspen. Dan suggests a certain surprise in letting Jenny cancel on their mom like that, but Rufus explains that both parents agreed that it was a good idea, because both parents have realized that Jenny is going completely crazy, and want her on their side, so they're both overcompensating to see who can be the best parent. Dan, who is not wrong in assuming that out of the three of them he would win that award, doesn't say anything, but you know what he's thinking. As does Rufus, who tells him that the very second Dan's done with his "I'd do things differently" look -- which: yeah, Rufus, it should be any decade now -- he would do well to find out what Jenny wants to do for her actual birthday. Dan promises to get it out of her, and heads off to ... school, I guess. Possibly. Or to somewhere it's nighttime and they're having dinner, or breakfast even though it's nighttime, or where it's suddenly the weekend.
Blair is freaking out on the way to school, and the way she is dealing with this is apparently to be dressed like a crazy Victorian or womb lady from The Handmaid's Tale or something, with giant sunglasses and a head scarf and a balloony dress that looks like Missy Elliott in the "I Can't Stand The Rain" video, which premiered on MTV before Blair was like born, and Serena's trying to distract her with whines of living with the Basses and whatever gossip will calm her down. "Thank God I have plans with Dan tonight. Finally, the return of some normalcy!" B stops in the middle of the sidewalk, freaking out again, and alerting Serena to the fact that she is suddenly "giving home-schooling some serious consideration." S laughs and says it's only natural to assume that everybody's still talking about her scandal from three weeks ago, but in fact other things have happened in the world. "Who would I have heard it from? Dorota?" S explains that after much concerted effort Maya finally made it into Brody Jenner's cell phone, Kati's dad moved the whole family back to Israel, and S has moved in with Chuck Bass. All of which is more interesting than B's fall from grace. B allows herself to hope that her trouble might have blown over, and S demands both the shades and the scarf. Unfortunately, Blair is still dressed like a lunatic, just now she's a more easily recognizable lunatic.
There's much hushed nattering and chattering as they come into the courtyard, and Nate stares kind of hatefully at Blair, but the look on Chuck's bizarre face is, I think, more being unimpressed by the bitchiness of everybody else. "The French Revolution had cake, the American Revolution had tea," says Gossip Girl, and it turns out that the Constance Revolution against Blair has slingshot spoonfuls of yogurt, which come flying out of nowhere and nail her in the melon. All five Bitches are upstairs with spoons, in such a way that to get inside S and B have to walk past them. Nate is sad, but GG is kind of loving it: "Who said you need a silver spoon to dole out just desserts?" The Bitches all congratulate each other, and Nate stares as Jenny quickly takes her 80/20 Joy/Regret ratio down to 90/10, and then 100% bitch.
Later, Jenny comes flouncing out to meet her friends, and lurking Nate asks to talk to her, and Penelope stares at him all crazy horny, and Nate gives her a sweet little talking-to about how Blair was probably mean to her after Jenny blew her spot about sleeping with Chuck, but there's something more important going on here, which is not that Blair is scary but that the Bitches are even scarier because there are more of them. "They've been friends with Blair forever, and look what they're doing to her. You fall out of line, what do you think's gonna happen to you?" Jenny points out that the solution is not to fall out of line, but I'm so sure she's capable of that. Nate, unable to use his words, shakes his head in frustration. I love how nice he is, I really do. "You're not like those girls, Jenny." (Boys of this show: no matter how many times you tell her that, it is still not true. She is exactly like those girls, except poor.) Jenny gets all neck-snappy about how that's so totally weird because they're her friends so how weird that they don't have anything in common, and Nate's too tired to go on with this right now, so he nods sadly, and tells her she's got good aim. Which is not exactly like calling her a bitch, because he spends the rest of the episode being totally sweet to her, but at least it points out to her that she totally just threw yogurt at a human being in order to humiliate them, which is a ridiculous act.
At some point in time and space, S and B are back on the steps, and S is giving her a great pep talk about how she's Blair Waldorf and will not be beaten. "Right. Right, these are my steps, and I'm not going to relinquish them without a fight. Though it would be helpful maybe there was one more person in our crowd." She looks around all the people: old people, children ..."And ugh, there's Chuck, with a blond mini-Chuck." They laugh, and then of course Eric turns around, and he proceeds down the sidewalk with Chuck's arm around him, giggling. Serena's all, "He's trying to torture me," and Blair -- now staring in the other direction -- evinces shock. S thinks she's shocked by the Chuck/Eric alliance, but it's actually because B has spotted Little J palling around with the Bitches.
Jenny sits down with them and they immediately ask about her whole conversation with Nate Archibald, and why she was talking to him. Of course, because Jenny is a weakling with no inner fire, she immediately goes, "Why? You guys don't like him?" Elise explains that Penelope's got a "historic" crush on Nate, and Hazel -- Without even knowing how often Nate gets pimped out on this show! -- tells Jenny to broker it. Jenny fake-agrees, because she still hasn't even figured out how she feels about him, much less him dating other girls. Even when Jenny makes thoughtful faces, don't you find it so hard to believe she's actually thinking about anything? Like the line out of her mouth could be like, "Are jellies really back?" and you wouldn't even think about it.
Meanwhile, B is freaking out because S just told her about the birthday thing tomorrow at Socialista. "So, Jenny Humphrey is officially being inscribed on the A-List," B spits, and then remembers to wonder why Serena even knows that, which is not a question that makes a shitload of sense but gets us to the line, which is Serena explaining that she was of course invited, but turned it down because of B, and plans to have dinner with the Humphrey family later. Blair shakes her head slowly in wonder: "How do you manage to get out of everything unscathed?" Because that is like half of her entire personality? "Because I'm nice. You should try it sometime." S tells her to give a shot: "Compliment me. Tell me my hair looks beautiful." Blair's innocent beauty is so awesome at this point: "But ... your hair looks disgusting. Did you even shower?" S laughs lovingly and points out that B's tendency to be a total bitch is what got dairy in her hair in the first place. "Be nice and neutral, and things will swing back to normal. You're the Queen B. So just let nature take its course." Please. Serena, I love you, but have you met Blair? She and nature are like this, sometimes they're like this, but she is never going to let anything take its course. Half the time she doesn't even have a plan, she just fucks with things to see what happens .
Hazel heads off to Model UN (of course she does) but they all agree to dinner at Butter at 7. Jenny spazzes for a second, grasping at straws, but Penelope assures her they don't need a reservation, just a $100 bill for the maître d' -- which is just about what Jenny owes her. Thinking fast, Jenny says she's got a better idea, and heads for S and B, blowing Isabel's mind and Blair's. Serena murmurs that Jenny's giving Blair the perfect opportunity to try this niceness concept, and B is not feeling it, but Serena waves Little J over in a completely dorky, awesome way. "Serena, I know that you're doing something with Dan tonight, but Blair, um, we're all going to Butter, and I was wondering you wanted to join?" Serena, who is taking this whole innocent nice thing way too far, accepts on B's behalf, and Jenny takes off. Blair actually falls for it, too, and they clink coffee cups. Man, the crew at Butter is going to be so mad when they have to clean up all that pig blood.
Dan and Serena make out on her bed at the Bass house, saying pointless love things, and she tells him how clean he smells, and he bitches about how she already told him the Chuck shower story from that morning, so she just makes out with him some more, because God forbid. Chuck knocks on the door after awhile, and greets Dan, who asks Chuck how he is. "Excellent," he says, and "enjoying having family around." Serena, exasperated and unaware of the whole "best man" thing, tells him to get it over with and say his pervy thing and go away. Chuck is wearing, by the way, the most awesome blue suit, a baby blue bowtie, and a pink patterned pocket square, and looks amazing. Chuck says formally and sweetly, "The wedding caterer is presenting a tasting to the family. I was coming call you to dinner." Dan gets ready to leave, but Chuck just nods kindly: "No need. Already asked the staff to set a place for you." He takes off, having totally wigged them both out, and they stare blankly at each other.
Later, they're eating rich stuff and saying rich things, and Dan is mispronouncing things and trying too hard as usual, but everybody's being nice about it, and then a package arrives for Serena. She asks Dan if she needs to refrigerate whatever it is, and he admits it's not from him. Lily begs Serena not to put her "dirty package" on the table, and Chuck says quietly, "If I had a dime ..." Bart tells him to knock it off, and Serena opens the box. "Porn and handcuffs? Really?" Lily gives a great tipsy "oh my" and Dan's amazed. "This is low, Chuck, even for you." She takes off and Chuck protests that he didn't send it. Dan excuses himself to deal with the horrified Serena, and Lily asks him to dispose of the box, and he stammers about how it would be his pleasure, but not like that, but he's going to throw it away, because it's trash, and the whole time Lily's just staring at him, because it has got to take some energy to always be spazzing out like he does.
Later, GG spots Blair Waldorf sitting at Butter. All alone, of course. The waitress asks if perhaps Blair is willing to admit that her friends aren't coming, because she doesn't know jack about Blair. Meanwhile, the Bitches are laughing wildly at Hazel's house. Elise is painting a vivid picture of how Blair's probably looking up all excited every time somebody walks in, but it's never them. Penelope, hilariously and seriously, intones "Not going to Butter is much better than going to Butter." Hazel comes in wearing a ridiculous gown that makes her look like the madam at a midget whorehouse, and everybody oohs and ahhs, and the conversation turns to Jenny's birthday outfit. Jenny says she's still deciding between the two dresses, but mistakenly says they're at Bergdorf and not Bendel's. Her dad calls just in the nick of time while they discuss how Isabel will not be wearing any of her numerous black Chanels, because she never wears the same thing twice, like her mom taught her. So Kati was Jewish and Isabel's mom is Imelda Marcos. We are learning so much fake stuff!
Jenny is, by the way, wearing a totally cute purplish halter dress and her hair looks amazing. Rufus doesn't bitch at her for missing dinner, but does want to discuss her birthday plans. She tells him she wants to do something with her friends, but segues into bitching about how she doesn't have anything to wear beyond two imaginary dresses at some store she can't remember, and he's like, "Whatever, we'll hang out later." She's working her way deeper into the house as they chat, and finally just rings off altogether, staring at Hazel's mom's giant closet full of clothes and shoes and whatever. The camera pans all the way around, and Jenny apparently has a full psychotic break.
At Butter, the waitress tells Blair that she's so pathetic the drink is on the house. Blair thinks for a second about mischief, and grins and orders another bellini, the seared squab, and a busperson to separate the tables, and the waitress gives a bitchy "'Kay" and takes off. Blair rings information -- "Brooklyn. I think that's in New York?" -- and GG is like, "One may be the loneliest number, but sometimes only the lonely can play. Wake up, Little Jenny. The bitch is back." So neither GG nor Blair really knows what she's going to do exactly, but they are both overjoyed that she's doing something. And it's Blair, so you know it's going to be amazing.
Jenny meets Betty the Old Consignment Witch morning as she's opening up the store, and says she found something in the back of her closet. "You want to go with cash again, or do you want to buy your sewing machine back?" Jenny says neither, and points to a glittery gold and silver Dolce on a dress form behind the counter. "Honey, this is $1200," Betty says, but then pulls out the gorgeous red Valentino from Jenny's bag and stares at it with a sneaky smile. "Well, this one's... quite lovely." Jenny agrees, but says the Dolce is more her color. Betty can't even hear her talking because the dollar signs in her creepy witch eyes are like, "Have you tried eating part of my consignment store? It's totally made of candy."
In the limo with Bart, Chuck is falling ever more perilously in love with both his Best Man status and the concept of having a cute little gay brother like Eric. "I say we take the jet to Croatia, where young Eric here can exploit the lesser age of consent..." Eric's mind is blown that he's even invited to the bachelor party, and Chuck is awesome: "Brother, please." Then, he says, they'll head to Monte Carlo for cards at Metropol, and watch the sun come up over the pyramids of Giza. Jeez, no wonder Bart wants him to be the best man. "Then I think a unicorn ride on the golden fields of the sun, followed by time travel back to the decadent vomitoria of ancient Rome." He asks Bart what he thinks about this admittedly amazing whirlwind party, but Bart's more interested in porn and handcuffs. Eric giggles nervously and takes off, leaving Chuck alone with his father. "You almost ruined things between me and Lily once before. I'm not gonna let that happen again." Chuck's sad and honestly confused, but swears he didn't send the package. "And quite frankly, her violated Virgin Mary act is getting pretty old."
Bart says he thought the best man thing would help Chuck stop being gross and inspire him to value Bart's happiness over his own childish agenda. Chuck looks down, ever sadder, and Bart changes the subject to Victrola, basically bribing Chuck with investment capital so that Chuck can have more control of the club, and Chuck gets super bummed. But since he's not doing anything wrong anyway, he can promise not to do any more screwed up things, so it's no skin off his ass, but his feelings are still hurt. Plus, if the mysterious person keeps doing bad things, like we know they're going to, it will all fall apart anyway. So the smart thing would be for Chuck to go all Nancy Drew on Serena's behalf, but when you add the insult to the injury, like no matter how hard he tries his rep is going to always burn him in the end, it's doubtful he's going to do the smart thing.
B calls Serena, who has the gall to ask why she's not at school, as though suddenly that question makes sense, and B says that's she volunteering for those less fortunate. "Butter with the girls must have gone well last night?" B lies that she didn't go, because she decided the Bitches should work a little harder for her forgiveness, and then double-checks to make sure Dan's not in Brooklyn to ruin her plans to destroy Jenny's life. "...Just tell him I say hi!" she finishes, hilariously and lamely, and S is like, "...Okay?"
Where B actually is, is at Rufus's gallery. He comes in carrying a huge painting and she grins wildly at him, calling him "Jenny's Dad" and pointing out that they met briefly over Thanksgiving. ("Remember? I was having a bulimic meltdown and Serena and Lily had to do a total intervention? Your mashed potatoes smelled really good, although I did not taste them.") He remembers her finally, putting the name with the face, and there's a friendly openness on his face that tells you he is going to be a total pawn this week. Did he get even cuter? Did he change his hair? Rufus, you are a mystery.
Dude catches Serena in the courtyard at Constance and tries to deliver her three cases of champagne, and she protests but, as he says, "The purchase order never lies. Salud." Everybody's impressed at this sudden return of Serena Who?, and Chuck stares because he knows this is going on him no matter what, and S gives him this great look like, "Fucking A, dude." She wanders off, Chuck is sad, and the boys and girls of St. Jude's/Constance Billard go nuts on that booze. Good morning, students! Good morning, girl with vamp nails in 2008! You need a drink.
Jenny comes running in with her Dolce, but nobody cares because Hazel's house has been robbed of one Valentino original, from the same year as Jackie's lace wedding mini. Jenny's all OMG and Hazel is totally lush in a bizarre metallic toile print from the future. Nobody broke in: it was an inside job, and the maid is totally getting fired, and the police were called in, because as Elise explains, the thing was worth like fifteen grand. "My mother told Immaculata if she returned it they could work something out," Hazel says, and Penelope thinks this is unlikely. Jenny offers that it might randomly turn up somewhere, and Iz -- wearing an awesomely crazy patterned cape that makes her look like Watchmen -- is like, "Where the eff is she going to wear it anyway? She's a maid."
Meanwhile, Rufus is falling under Blair's "I'm so concerned about Jenny" spell, having remembered the part of the conversation where Jenny said she might not even be able to celebrate with the Bitches, and the thing about Blair is that she gets so much more shit done by being honest in a fucked-up way than most people do by lying. She explains to him in detail about how, with girls their age, the biggest struggle is friends v. family because you're trying to reconcile who you're becoming (Holly) with who you used to be (Lula Mae). "She's been running herself ragged, Mr. Humphrey. Straddling two worlds..." It is quite a thickness on which you are laying it when even Rufus notices, but so he does, reminding Blair rather pointedly that she's been straddling that for awhile, and spent the first half of the season halfway up Blair's ass because of it. B swallows, totally uninterested in turning back the hands of time, doesn't even acknowledge: "Well, it's no easier once you're in." Nicely played, Waldorf. He looks down and thinks, and she gives one last push: "She needs some relief." He promises to give Jenny just that, and Blair smiles terrifyingly. "Whatever I can do to help!" Oh, yes! She will help your daughter into the Hudson wearing concrete shoes, Rufus!
Jenny beats it back to Resurrection, totally interrupting Betty with her customers. Betty practically cackles a witch cackle and steps aside to talk to her. "I need to trade back, all right? You can keep the scarf and the shoes..." Betty's eyes go hard because apparently Jenny still doesn't get that she's not the fairy godmother, she's like this drug pusher of couture. "Honey I'm sorry, but that's not gonna be possible." She takes the Valentino off an armoire and lays it across the counter behind her. "You know when you leave here with an item, you're agreeing to its value. The Dolce sold at $1200, the Valentino -- heh heh -- is seven times that." Jenny babbles for a bit and Betty goes evil: "No. I'm sorry." Jenny points out it doesn't even have tags on it yet, and was hers mere hours ago, and Betty levels. "Look. It's not my fault that you don't know what a Valentino's worth." She stomps off away from the crazy child, but leaves the dress behind her.
Nate answers the phone all happy, like "Jenny! What's up, bro?!" I love it, I love Nate. She immediately starts in on him about how she's in a fucking place and made a terrible mistake and doesn't have anywhere to go, and needs some money. I have to say in this scene that they are both good actors, I like them both in this scene a lot. Nate just keeps asking WTF and if she's okay, and she just keeps demanding money -- right there in the middle of the consignment shop! -- and he finally gets her to tell him how much. Eight grand. It's a big enough number that Nate gets scared, like physically scared, because that's usually to do with drugs or broken kneecaps. Which, I wouldn't put either of those things past Betty. I hope Betty sticks around. She's hardcore. Nate asks why she needs it, which Jenny can't tell him because it involves telling Nate Archibald how she totally stole a dress from somebody's house, and so she apologizes for bothering him and hangs up. She takes the Valentino back to a dressing room, pulls it up around her torso to hide the hem, and buttons her coat over it. "The price of fitting in might have gotten a little steeper, but Little J still knows it's what's underneath that counts!" Gossip Girl, how we have missed you.
Chez Bass, Lily's inspecting a huge red and lavender flower arrangement, spitting nastily, "Well, we could put this one on a Mylar tablecloth, and pretend it's a bar mitzvah..." (Is it possible that if we mention ten Jewish things a week, nobody will notice the total lack of actual Jews on the show?) Serena's out the door, but Lily pulls her back, worried she's acting out because of the impending wedding, having heard about the mysterious champagne. S laughs and rolls her eyes, because she's at least as tired of this whole rep thing as Chuck is (today). I love that they're all in this backwards footrace to not be the black sheep of the three of the kids, that's so real and sad. "Right, Mom. I actually woke up this morning and I thought, hmm, I'm a little uncertain about my mother's wedding. Why don't I invite the entire junior class out to the courtyard for a champagne toast?" Lily points out that Serena Who? used to do that shit all the time, and S whines that Chuck's master plan to make her look deranged is working, to Lily's complete disbelief. "Looking good to everyone in my life isn't enough for him, he has to make me look bad. Or crazy." Bart enters just as Lily admits that Chuck's eccentric, but hardly diabolical, and Bart's like, "What now?" S looks at her mother with a challenge, and Lily gives this great eyebrow move like, "This is all too much for me." Serena stands up, all seven foot six of her, to tell Bart exactly what's going on.
Jenny enters the loft still wearing the Valentino under her coat, and nearly barfs when the Bitches, Rufus and Blair -- holding a cake with Jenny's face on it, awesomely -- yell, "Surprise!" The whole place is decorated out to here with balloons and cutouts hanging from the ceiling and whatever, like she's eight. Jenny stutters her way through an acknowledgement of her father, the house, Blair's presence -- Blair grins freakily with a billion teeth -- and the fact that all the Bitches are now seeing her sad DUMBO loft, her shame about which poor Rufus finally notes and by which his soul is crushed, and takes off to go change. Worried, Rufus hands the cake over to B and follows his daughter. Left in the middle of the place, Iz goes, "I don't think she was surprised." Penelope, wearing an awesome purple toga, is like, "Also, WTF Blair is here?" Elise says this is a weird party, and Hazel suggests it's about time for its induction to the "Birthday Hall of Lame," apparently showing once again how clever she is, and thus deserves to be the new Queen Bee. Blair about dies of pleasure, licking a bit of icing from her fingers, as Iz complains about how "the guy on the phone" referred to it as a "loft party," which caused her to picture something completely different. Penelope whines that they were tricked: "Mint mojitos at Socialista -- mint Milanos with Jenny's dad." Penelope should totally be the leader. They talk about how Rufus is totally hot, but still a dad, and Hazel whispers, "How long do we have to stay?" And just then, old Blair comes out with a tray of Rice Krispie Treats, rubbing their faces in the awfulness with the wickedest of glee. Win.
Dan and Serena cuddle like homeless people in the courtyard of the Palace, drinking hot chocolate. He bitches at her about telling the story of how mad Bart was about the imaginary Chuck agenda, and finally she apologizes for having actual occurrences in her life. He whines about how he wanted to tell her about seeing his stupid mom for the first time since Christmas, then realizes that there's no story there because what, he wrote a poem about it or some shit, and then segues into some dumb non-story about his grandma in the old folks' home ("Two women, a sponge bath, and a bedpan," okay, like thanks for sharing) and Serena's like, "How about we just ... cuddle together, the two of us."
"Plus Nate?" says Dan, confusing Serena for a second, but then Nate walks up and asks to speak with Dan. Everybody makes concerned faces and privately, Nate explains about the eight grand and how Jenny wouldn't tell him what was going on. Because Dan is a very good brother, he almost dies right there. It's so funny because I think Jenny is pretty worthless, if very realistic, but the only time I really love Dan is when he's worried about or trying to help Jenny. Two lefts sometimes make a right, I guess.
So what's going on in DUMBO is truly awful, to be honest. Jenny's line readings are still variable, but emotionally she's all there. It's pretty rough. Like, picture Little J trying desperately to get the dress off herself, like it's on fire, while trying to get the big fumbling Rufus out of her room so she can freak out alone, and the whole time he's like, "Just tell me what's up," and her voice is climbing octaves trying to get him out of there, okay, and he's wondering if she's upset about the party, and she's like, "Anything to not have a discussion with you right now because this dress is on fire," and it's so awful and awkward, and the dress is stuck, and finally she's all, "Just help me, okay? Help me get it off! No! Hurry up!" and he's like, "I need pliers," and finally all the Bitches knock and come in to get their wraps and get the hell out of this awful party, and she grabs Blair's coat and holds it up with all the efficacy of hiding behind a ficus tree, and everything slows down to a crawl, and the pig blood just splashing all over the fucking place, and everybody stares at the dress on fire, and Jenny starts lying about how she bought it at Resurrection, which they all agree is kind of a largish coincidence, even though that part is technically true.
Blair is, of course, having a Godiva orgasm in the middle of this, because she just wanted to show the Bitches where Jenny lives, and so this whole dress-on-fire debacle is just the icing on the Jenny Face Cake. Jenny keeps lying, and big old Rufus is still in the middle of it asking if they're calling his daughter a liar, and there's a lot of movement, and then Blair takes center stage, and excuses herself brightly. "Well. ...This feels private, so ... I'm gonna head out now. I have a table at Butter. Reservation's under Waldorf, in case there's an afterparty." And she snatches her coat out of Jenny's arms sweetly and vanishes. The grossed-out Bitches follow, and Elise has the balls to give Jenny a sad parting look. I wonder how much of this Elise even followed, frankly. "Spotted: Jenny in a red dress, with the red hands to match. Looks like Utter Disgrace is the name on the label..."
Later on, it's time for a patented Humphrey Processing Session, but Jenny's not feeling it. She explains to Rufus that Blair totally played him, and he's like, "Except for how everything she said was true, like how you're freaking out because you don't think those girls will accept you, and that you ought to be less ashamed of who you are, and stop apologizing for your life." He finally demands to know where the dress came from, knowing that she didn't make it herself because her sewing machine is gone. "I sold my sewing machine, okay? Yeah. And a lamp, and some jewelry." Rufus is mystified because back in the '90s being poor and gross was cool. "Dad, you think that you can just send me off to school with a plaid skirt and a Metrocard, and everything will be okay." He takes a stand and refuses to apologize for not having a private plane, because he's still not getting it, so she tries again. "You think I'm ashamed of where I come from? No, Dad, what I'm ashamed of is having to bring a brown-bag lunch to school, and you know, eat it in the bathroom, and then go out with my friends and pretend that I'm not hungry when I go to lunch with them."
And don't hate me, but I'm on her side with this one. Not the stealing or the acting like a dick, but the fact that she is in an impossible situation. She's at Constance because her parents want her to have the advantages of education, but that equals they're all living above their means, and she's the only one paying for that. Rufus doesn't have to deal, and Dan is too superior for dealing and too good at making it everybody else's issue, but I'm sorry, it's different for girls. So when Rufus says that she's making the choice to do those things, he's right, but when Jenny responds that the alternative is to "choose" to have no friends at all, she's unfortunately more right, and she's the only one paying here. I really like it, because it's the other side of Dan's pride stuff with Serena, where he's constantly dragging her to shitty places to do Dan things so that money's not an issue, but Jenny doesn't have the option of doing that, so she's being asked to complete an equation that doesn't actually have an answer, because there's no amount X that you can plug in here that will work it out. Which, Jenny finishes up, is now the only possible solution, because all these "choices" just went out the window because she just got shamed to hell in front of them anyway.
Over at the Palace, Serena thanks Nate for keeping her company in the courtyard so she didn't have to go upstairs and deal with the "house of horrors," and they agree that Dan is a good guy and will take care of Jenny. S offers that Nate is a good guy, too, and that he can't hate Blair forever, and Nate just kind of grins and rolls his eyes at her and takes off. Eric comes walking up right then, and Serena asks where he was. He says therapy, but not for four hours he wasn't, so she gets out of him that he was playing Wii Tennis with Chuck and some guy named Branforth. (Which: gay. Every part of that sentence: gay.) Serena asks why Eric's hanging out with him, and Eric jokes that she means Branforth, and finally explains. "Chuck is fun, okay? He's cool to me, and he doesn't treat me like some freak just out of the Ostroff Center." And he kind of draws a parallel to Jenny here, because of course Serena doesn't get that he feels that way because he's in an impossible situation too. Everybody from St. Jude's to Constance to the guy at the Korean deli on 75th apparently now knows about his time at the Ostroff. "And he's not ... always careful around me, like one bad thing and I'll break or something. Besides, I always wanted a brother. I'm trying it out, you know?" Good summation, van der Woodsen.
Eric hands her a small envelope, which Chuck received for her this morning, and thought Serena wouldn't want to open away from their parents, just in case. "Why didn't he bring it to me himself?" Because you won't stop calling him the devil? She pulls out a pretty large amount of coke, which Eric eventually figures out, and Serena storms off upstairs, all, "How do you like a brother who uses you as a drug mule?"
Okay, and even though there's a scene or two between now and then, I want you to think hard about this. Eric just drove up from hanging out with Chuck elsewhere. So Serena is going to stomp upstairs to yell at Chuck. Stomping directly upstairs, from the very courtyard she has been sitting in, now, for hours. And not only is he going to be there, but despite having just spent four hours elsewhere he's going to have been there all along, paying the price for the tattling of Serena this morning. What I am saying is that either Chuck Bass is magic, or Chuck Bass is twins ... or this is the greatest television show ever made. Your call.
Dan enters the loft and looks at the sad deco, which Rufus is sadly gathering up, and asks who it is that must have turned twelve, and Rufus nearly bursts into tears about how horrible the night was, and Dan quietly -- wonderfully -- gets serious. "Dad, what happened?" He goes in and sits on Jenny's bed, murmuring softly to her and asking about the $8000. She's like, "Ugh, this night will not end." And because Dan cannot contractually keep up the nice act for more than six seconds, he explains that Nate only blew her spot because he was worried she was turning into "some hideous Upper East Side cyborg," just kidding, that was actually Dan. She gives him a pity laugh and levels with him that she just got in over her head. And actually she did have a plan that didn't even occur to me: she was going to trade the dresses, wear the Dolce for her birthday, and then switch everything back, so it was more stealy-borrowing than stealy-stealing. She stares into the infinite melancholy long enough that Dan gets worried and decides that they need to go get ice cream. "Jen. You have so much more to offer than the things that those girls have, really. You've got so much more to bring to the table. You just need to find a way to believe that." He leaves, and she thinks about that, and comes to the conclusion that yes, she does have more to offer than those girls, but I don't think she's thinking of what Dan is thinking of. Well, maybe. Because what she's thinking about is Nate's ass, and how she can offer it to Penelope. Does she even know his dad also used to make him turn tricks? That is too funny. Well. "Funny."
Still stomping up and up, Serena finally arrives outside Chuck's bedroom in the penthouse, where he is on his way out the door with a bag packed full of scarves and whatever, and a hilarious cardigan with giant basses all over it. At least his sweater is still part of the family. She asks him WTF his problem is, and because he's got at least three right now that I can think of, he begs her to specify the context. She slaps the baggie of coke against his chest and yells at him for bringing Eric into it. "No wonder you're friendless and girlfriendless. Even your own father expects the worst from you." He points out that this is her fault, and even though she's in the wrong I love how Serena she is about it: "Listen, if we're gonna exist under the same roof, I am laying down some house rules."
(Because only Serena van der Woodsen would be like, "I'm making a list of House Rules on this piece of paper. Number one, no raping. Number two, don't give my little brother drugs. Number three, no porn at dinner. Number four, stop having threesomes and smoking joints in my bathroom. Now, what else? Are we all comfortable with these rules?")
Chuck tells Serena to can it because Bart already kicked him out, and he's moving back down to his suite. Serena gets sad for him -- also very S -- and is surprised it went this far. "Bart thought it would be best if the family bonded ... without me, for awhile." That's very sad, and S is very bummed by it.
At Butter, the hostess comes to bother Blair's exasperated waitress from the other night about getting her off the table, and she's like, "Honey, they're forming a line out there. Give it up already." They make intense bitchface at each other and Blair finally screams, "THEY'RE COMING!" She slurps down her drink, and the girls arrive. "Any good general knows you never let your soldiers see you sweat. Looks like this battle's ending at Butter, and the win belongs to B." I love Gossip Girl because she has just as much fun whether Blair's getting screwed or on top. She just loves drama no matter what. Blair gestures to the table finally and takes another drink, and GG's like, "Victory is sweet!"
Rufus tries one more time to explain the concept of parenting to Dan -- who, lets be honest, has every right to be confused on that point -- and how Dan doesn't decide who is grounded and who gets ice cream, and Dan's like, "Valid, but isn't it kind of rough to go from Aspen to house arrest without even ice cream?" Rufus has this epiphany about how Spring Break is over for all Humphreys everywhere, including himself, and that letting Jenny get this far into things was totally his bad. "Why don't we just celebrate her fifteenth with some Jenny Cake in the kitchen?" Dan goes to get her so they can get their Humphrey on, and Rufus is so sad! Aww, poor Rufus. Especially once Dan sees that Jenny has totally flown the coop and scaled the building on a mission to prostitute her only friend.
Jenny ignores Dan's call and sits with a very smiley sweet Nate in his library. She apologizes for the insane phone call earlier, and for how embarrassing and inappropriate she is, as is her Humphrey birthright, and he tries to explain to her how he is a simple soul who has been downtrodden and honestly expects nothing good from anybody, so he's just glad she's okay, because that's how far down he goes: happy. He's happy she has her kneecaps. She's like, "Thanks, but could you do me a favor? It's nothing to do with cash, I just don't want to be alone on my birthday." Nate makes a cute thinky face.
At the Palace, Serena comes downstairs and I swear, this is what's going on: like five people sitting around with Bart and Lily, while a flautist and pianist serenade them. That's so awesome for like a Tuesday night, I love it. She touches Eric's arm and he jumps away from her because she took Chuck away, and somebody delivers a letter to her. She opens it sweetly, and Lily notices the sudden and total freakout that happens when she reads it. Serena tells them everything's fine, and bounces.
The mean waitress is now completely ignoring B after that last primal scream, so she drags Iz to the bar, still shrieking and hilarious, and while they're gone, Penelope once again gets bored and starts looking around for hot guys. Just then, of course, Jenny drags Nate through Butter, which he's like, "Butter doesn't serve tea and cupcakes!" I love that Nate equates birthdays with those things. She promises it won't take long, and as they approach Blair's table, Hazel's jaw drops. "Is this really happening?" Hell yeah it is! "Penelope, you know Nate, right?" Nate sits down to her and says hello, and "Sour Cherry" starts playing right on cue, and B comes back from the bar, and her heart swells when she sees Nate... And then drops when she spots Jenny. Ouch, Miss Golightly.
Hazel and Penelope agree that the Valentino probably ended up at Resurrection by accident, especially given Hazel's mom's Ativan memory tricks, and Iz sits down on Jenny's other side, and Little J shoots Blair a total You Got Served. And you know what? Awesome. Use your assets. I didn't think I would enjoy Blair getting crapped on another week in a row, but that was masterful. And you know she'll pull through somehow and wreak twice the amount of devastation in half the time by morning.
Chuck answers the door at good old Room 1812 with a sad face, and Serena mournfully apologizes. I love the way Serena talks, especially the way she says "Chuck." She says she now knows it wasn't Chuck sending her all that fun stuff. "Never thought I'd say this," GG ruminates, "but it turns out Chuck Bass is innocent." So who sent the stuff? Serena shows him the letter.
S -
Hope you like your presents!
Coming back to town!
♥ G
And the scared look on Chuck's face as he offers to make Serena a stiff drink, and the completely grateful way she nods, wobbling with fear... Well, week is going to be supreme, isn't it?
Missed you. XOXO.