Group dancing! Blair agrees to go to Debutante Ball with Nate as friends, rekindling his feelings. Nate's suspicions that she's seeing somebody force Chuck to pull Carter Baizen (the Not-So-Sexy Hobbit) into their love triangle, but it backfires when Blair is impressed with Nate's caveman behavior, and they end up getting back together right in front of Chuck's eyes. Thus burned by both his girlfriends, Chuck leaves town for parts unknown. Come back, Chuck! XOXO!
The Ball conflicts with Alison's art opening, but both Humphrey kids eventually end up going anyway. Jenny's horrific whining and inability to finesse the situation breaks her mom's heart, and makes her look like a total jerk. Meanwhile, the whole Dan/Serena situation is all very complicated with a lot of moving parts, and everything is louder than everything else: Serena doesn't even want to go to the Ball, which mother Lily supports, but then grandmother Cece shows up and starts throwing around the fake cancer of manipulation. When Cece delivers a truly awesome, bitchy speech to Dan about his innate inability to fit into the UES, and tries to buy him off, Dan tries to get Serena to see how hardcore her grandmother really is. This goes poorly; Serena is escorted by Carter the Hobbit. Once Rufus learns this exact same shit is the reason Lily left him long ago, he gives Dan a Humphrey Men speech that's actually worthwhile, and they unite to resist Cece. Lily then gives Dan an awesome speech of her own about how cool he and Serena have turned out to be, separately and together, and everybody melts; even cold Grandma Cece. Who, it turns out, has secret cancer after all. Lily watches Dan and Serena's romance bloom, and Rufus calls her about the long-ago bribing, and they both get misty.
Final score: Blair's back with Nate, Chuck has vanished, Serena and Dan have Lily's blessing, Alison is the first person to notice that Jenny is becoming a psycho killer, and Lily and Rufus realize that their ill-starred love might have a few stars left in it after all. On the 19th, Dan and Serena finally do it, and Harold Waldorf bears tidings of gay joy, and a cute little present named Roman.
How great were the ads this week, with that song from the end of the episode and people staring at other people kissing, while dressed all fancy? So free of content or meaning, yet so evocative! It felt like being French! If there's one thing we all need, it's more kissing while dressed all fancy, with other fancy people watching us kiss. Who doesn't live for those fancy, slutty nights? Good thing the episode didn't disappoint. On into the dumb old fake credits and there's a new entry on GossipGirl, proclaiming B and N are OVER. Which makes me think Blair and Nate will end up in bed together by the end of the episode, probably with fancy old Chuck watching.
There's a strange kind of swooshy thing that the camera does, like an Impressionist painting or a buffering problem, as we check out a bunch of kids practicing ballroom dancing. Like, they're dancing like normal people, and then with no warning, they go all smooshy. It's cool, I'm not describing it very well. And anyway, finally! Group dancing! "Hey, Upper East Siders, it's that time of year again, when the mere act of descending a staircase means you're a woman. That's right, debutante season." Oh, excellent. I love debutante season. It's just like dressing up fancy and doing the same things you do every night anyway, but with a creepy kiddie-pageant chattel/auction vibe. "Young ladies for sale by their fathers! Satisfaction guaranteed!"
The basic pairs are all walking through different parts of the world: Blair and Serena, Chuck and Nate, Dan and Jenny. B is "actually glad" she's going to the ball with Prince Theodore (!) instead of Nate, because as time goes by since the breakup, she has been filling in the blanks about how "self-involved," "brooding," and "tortured" he was. "A girl wants Romeo, not Hamlet," Blair says, finally proving what I've always suspected about the Constance Billard School for Girls. Can these people even read? Do they even need to? Instead of pointing out that Romeo was the very model of brooding self-involvement, to the point where the first half of the play is just various characters getting together to talk about what a whining pansy he's turning out to be, Serena fast-forwards to the end of the play, where Romeo died. "Yeah, but he died for something exciting!" Do what? "And I want my debutante ball to be something to die for!" They laugh, but I'm honestly concerned at this point. Chuck makes him into Othello, and everybody else is pretending to be exactly what they are, like in the pastorals, but there's no Romeo or Hamlet here. Maybe it's misdirection, but mostly it just seems queasy: the whole episode is a Shakespeare mash-up, but here you go trying to have it both ways.
Anyway. C and N walking, and Nate's wondering who's escorting Blair to the ball. Chuck slides it sideways: "Why? Are you having remorse sex fantasies about your ex?" I think any time Chuck goes to the sex place, you should look behind what he's saying, because it's always misdirection. Nate protests, but Chuck's all, "Don't eff with an effer. I know that look." You know what's effed is Nate's hair. Nate is preoccupied by the fact that, of late, Blair is "lighter, happier, less Blair." Heh. Chuck is wearing a crazy trench coat with label-queen logos all over it, and a crazy secret grin: "She does have a certain glow about her, doesn't she?" Oh, Chuck. You effer.
Jenny is trying, for what seems like the billionth time, to explain debutancy to her stupid brother: "A debutante ball is all a girl could ask for! It's gorgeous and formal and totally [wait for it] legendary!" Dan points out that it's also "out of touch and totally classist," and Jenny wonders, not if Dan has ever seen this show called Gossip Girl, of which he is the star, but why he would even be going. Dan spills the scary iconoclastic beans that neither he nor Serena will be attending the debutante ball, because they are rebels without a single cause between them. "I'm just going to meet her grandmother," speaking of effers, "to make a good impression and take off before I put my foot in my mouth, like I usually do." We're talking about a difference of nanoseconds here, Dan. Not to mention that usually it goes the other way: you say eighteen embarrassing things and then finish with a delightful flourish that scoots you over the hump and makes you adorable again. Either way, it's neck-and-neck, and meanwhile, Jenny's ridiculous tam o'shanter is additionally an effer, and this whole set of scenes back and forth is so ridiculously badly looped that it's like a telenovela.
Blair compares and contrasts how, with Nate, all she gets is "some rosé in the back of a Town Car," but with Prince Theodore, she gets "a security detail and a high-speed chase to the Pierre after it's over." I don't know what that means, but I want in. Everybody's Livejournal needs a little Prince Theodore. Serena laughs that she can already see Blair on the cover of Hello!, and Blair tells us that she's doing a "Night Out With" for the Times, like she's not already too famous for that, but that the Prince is part of her plan to give them the most perfect Night Out of the whole year. No doubt!
Nate's dad is in rehab, finally, so he has time to just be Nate without the weight of the world on his shapely shoulders, and without all the distractions of being bought and sold like a debutante every single day, he can finally focus on Blair and her awesomeness again. He doesn't commit to any particular feelings about his erstwhile arranged-marriage partner, but he thinks it's possible somehow that he misses her. Like that's what he actually says: "I don't know, man. I think I might miss her!" Chuck totally scoffs and starts coming up with contingency plans inside contingency plans, because he just went from master puppeteer to the only person with anything to lose here. Which makes me sad, but he kind of did it to himself. I mean, the one possibility I don't think any of us ever considered was the idea that Nate actually gave a damn about Blair. Can't blame Chuck for getting hit between the eyes on that one.
Serena assures B that her mom doesn't really care about the fact that she's thumbs-down on the ball, because her whole life just kind of exploded into truthiness when they all found out about Lily sleeping with Dan's father long ago. Both Serena and Blair are grossed out thinking about it. Some more. They talk about how Blair, just like everybody else, assumed Serena was down to debut, and if Blair's confused about it, that tells you this has the stink of Dan on it.
Dance practice. Kati and Iz are wearing ridiculous Flashdance costumes with headbands, and Blair is wearing the brightest of bright-red tights and a cute black dress. It's verging on Chuckness, this outfit. Everybody looks ridiculous and awesome. Blair manages to punch both Nate and Chuck in their little faces with only a look, working her way back through the dance to good old Prince Theodore. Dan and Jenny enter, feeling weird because the whole dance practice thing is weird, 90 percent of that the weird clothes everybody's wearing. Serena runs over to them, talking up her grandmother, who you know is going to be a hell-ride. Lily comes in, fast-talking the real truth about Grandma into her cell and carrying a fringy wrap or something that's remarkably similar to something Alison was wearing last week. "Well, if you don't listen to me, you're gonna hear it from her, and I promise you don't want that to happen. The brands I listed are key to her happiness. And that includes Tanqueray." Oh, I cannot wait!
Lily greets Dan and Jenny warmly, and Serena asks Jenny what she's even doing there. "Oh, she loves these things, apparently," says Dan, and it's like, read the room: everybody here loves these things, apparently, which is why they're here. Lily grins and says she wishes Serena were down with it, because it would make things easier for her. Anything that makes life easier for Lily, I am down with. Especially if it effs with the effer of Dan's obsession with class warfare. "My grandma was the chairwoman for this event for fifteen years," explains Serena, "and now the committee's asked my mom to join." And after ten years of obsessing about it, Serena has suddenly dropped the whole concept. Little J stares past them, for all appearances in the throes of a petit mal seizure, and Lily's like, "Jenny? Jenny. Jenny!" She finally pulls her eyes away from the luxurious beauty of neon leg warmers and navy sport coats long enough for Lily to suggest that she volunteer. "Well, Blair's lead deb, and we're sort of on the outs. You know, I'm sure if she wanted my help, she would've asked." Lily asks in her stead, a risky proposition, but Lily's just so sweet, and Jenny's smile is so gigantic. She giggles and runs off to talk to the parents about it, but her smile falls when Lily corrects her: the ball isn't Saturday, it's Sunday. Which from Jenny's face is plainly a conflict, but it's Jenny: you know she's going to do whatever is half-assed and social-climby so she can get some kind of Humphrey talking-to about personal integrity and puppies and the farmer's market.
Lily sweetly says goodbye to Jenny as her mother Cece arrives, descending on Serena like a kindly old vulture. She's totally Spike's mom! Dude, for real. She calls Serena her "magnificent granddaughter," and Serena shoots Jenny-type smiles all over the place, and Lily's like, "What up? I'm out," and bounces. Cece immediately tosses out some kind of Funny Old Drunk line about how she can't find the bar and should have brought booze herself, and they laugh politely even though it's, like, early afternoon and she's being creepy. Dan introduces himself, and Cece narrows in on him: "My granddaughter told me that you were delighted when she decided not to make her debut this weekend?" Which is kind of a wide blow to start with. Serena assures him that he can go ahead and say exactly what he thinks, because "Grandma loves honesty." Which goes along with her whole "let's all find the booze" vibe, but mostly: do not ever, ever believe anybody when they say this. The best reason to shut up in the world is if somebody tells you to just be honest. Especially to a scary old person like this. You are asking for trouble. The second Serena said that, my skin got cold, because, firstly, don't do it, and secondly: you fucking know Dan is thinking, like, "Now here is my chance to express myself!"
So Dan tells Cece that cotillions are antiquated and a "remnant of a different age," and Cece tells him to shut the eff up in the only language she knows: "Well, do go on!" Which is your sign to drop everything and run, out of the Preston dance studio, out of Manhattan, out of New York, keep running until you hit Arizona and then change your name, but like Dan is even remedially aware of any of that: "People spend all this money to have their daughters basically dance in front of others for attention." He offers that Serena, being a lovely free spirit who enjoys leisurely pursuits on her own schedule, would probably dance around in front of you free of charge. Cece points out that cotillion "teaches the graces that women should always have in their arsenal," which I guess is true, except you should already have those, and Serena clearly does, so basically the people most in need of cotillion training are the people who won't ever get it, which is: Humphreys. You know who needs some mothereffing graces? Vanessa Effing Abrams. Dan points out that Serena's graces are spectacular, and they laugh, and Serena points out that, since she's a million years old, Cece's own graces are pretty pointless. Ouch, much? Cece leaves, and Serena's like, "Isn't she great?" Dan agrees that Cece is, in fact, something. And that something is an effer, and he's about to eff with her.
"Dan...Humphrey, was it?" asks Cece from over Lily's shoulder, and Lily rolls her eyes and says yes, delighting in it. And at first I thought that was like one of those stock "...of the Hudson Bay Humphreys?" kind of rich-people talk, but in fact no, it has to do with Lily and Rufus, which means that no matter how kind Lily is getting to the Humphreys, she's still signing on to the dogs of war that Cece is about to let slip, just for the joy of giving her mom a Humphrey-shaped finger. "Oh, you think that's crazy? My whole family is dating their whole family. We got Humphrey all over us right now, effer."
Chuck and Blair! Lying in a bed! Bright red tights up over his head! Chuck tells B how hot she looked on "Princess Theodore's arm" at practice, and Blair wonders aloud if that means she's just an accessory. "to him, yes," he mumbles, and she shifts onto him, 96 pounds of cowgirly evil: "...On me, you'd be so much more." But of course, she can't be on Chuck in any way, because then Nate would break up with him, and she herself would be ruined, so step one of a journey of a million miles would be for Chuck to start acting right, which will never, ever happen. Just then, Dorota calls up: Nate's arrived downstairs. Chuck sighs and falls back onto the bed, yet to get effed.
She's still wearing those crazy red tights! Nate stumbles and mumbles and murmurs and whatever about how he's being driven crazy with thoughts of her at the dance practice, and how they've wanted to go to cotillion together since they were ten years old, and they agree that Nate has behaved poorly of late. Chuck listens in, smiling. Nate admits that Prince Theodore is a good dancer, but asks her to consider letting him escort her, for old times' sake. "Nate, after what you pulled on my birthday, the only thing we should be doing together is moving on." Chuck grins, practically wrapped in a curtain. Nate shows her a tiny gold heart, sewn into the sleeve of the sweater he's wearing. "It's my pin! I sewed it there so you'd always have my heart on your sleeve." ("And by 'I,' I mean a servant or small child!") He laughs and offers it back to her, but Blair shakes her head: it was a gift. "The prince will understand." Nate smiles, quietly, and they agree to attend, as just friends. Which suits Chuck none at all, because friendship is how they get you.
J shows up at Rufus's gallery beaming one of her thousand-watters that always makes her look crazed on PCP. He's like, "You're about to ask me a favor or stab me for meth money." She tells him about how she "got a volunteer position at a charity," which is like leaving out all the words of a sentence, really. But it's on Sunday: "I know it's Mom's opening, and I know it's really important, but I can do both." Rufus blows some Humphrey sunshine about how "as a family" we do this or that, whatever whatever, he's still in the "new toy" phase of being a grownup and a father, so he wants to get all paterfamilias on her ass, when really he should be getting the deets. With this show's tenuous relationship to time and causation, she could easily go to the cotillion, leave behind a glass slipper again, show up before the art opening even happens, and still find time to eat some waffles and/or go out for drinks. Whatever. Alison enters and asks what Jenny was going to be volunteering for, before her inconsistent husband decided today was a good day to parent, and Jenny runs off about who cares anyway. Alison shows Jenny some totally cute shoes she bought vintage, which match the outfit Jenny's wearing to the opening. Jenny goes totally postal and nasty on her. "Mom, the kids I go to school with shop at Saks and Bendel's. I can't be walking around in someone's old shoes." Alison is sad and poor and Jenny takes off and her parents stare vacantly at each other. This wouldn't happen if you people would just live within your means.
Three generations of scary blonde Rhodes women laugh and sip their tea. Serena runs off to get pictures of her "summer abroad," which answers a few timeline questions, and left alone, Lily apologizes to Cece for the whole Serena/cotillion thing. "I imagine you came all this way to change Serena's mind, but she is intractable on this." Cece gives a totally crazed, sad, dramatic doom face and tells Lily that she's got lung cancer or something. Lily fully crumples and freaks out, and Cece's voice shakes, and says that her cancer is the free pass that should get Serena to the ball. "Oh, Mother, anything for you!" says Lily, and they hug, and over Lily's shoulder Cece makes a very scary face. Like maybe she's lying about the cancer in order to get her way, which is nuts, or else it's all true, or somewhere in between. Serena comes in and ascertains that her fate has been decided, and Lily tells her straight: "Um, Serena, you're going to the debutante ball." And one thing about Serena is, she doesn't throw Jenny fits. She just makes a resigned face and is unhappy. "Serena van der Woodsen, looks like your invitation just arrived...with strings attached. Come out, come out, wherever you are."
Nate's getting fitted for his tux or whatever and fussing because Blair's late, and he knows this will cause problems for him, even though she's the one that's tardy, because it's his ass that needs to be completely in line with her desires. She finally comes running in tossing out excuse after excuse, and sits down to text and smile, and what's going on is that she totally just hooked up with Chuck Bass and now they are cutely texting each other, and Nate's standing right there getting fitted for a tux. This is all very sad, really. Nate goes on and on about all his plans for their wonderful night and she ignores him, texting and giggling, and finally he's like, "What's going on, though?" She tells him she's texting Serena, and that she has to take over her mother's tea party for Cece. He's like, "Oh, I can help!" But she just runs off, tossing out a sweet, kind little smile at the door: "Not bad, Archibald. I almost forgot how handsome you are." But she's gone. "Spotted: Nate Archibald, learning you don't know a good thing till it's gone and found someone else."
Lily's walking through a shoe department with Little J, kind of suspicious and unsure that Alison would all of a sudden let her daughter go to a cotillion with Lily. Jenny's like, "Hey, whatever! She thinks it's great!" Jenny is, I may have mentioned, kind of a dipshit. Lily's like, "Okay, putting that huge lie aside for the moment, your dad also thinks this is a good idea?" Before Jenny can spin any more of her web of deceit that a bright terrier could see through, we see that Alison is coincidentally in the same store, coincidentally buying those same shoes as before, only retail. Which is a sad little moment that the director of this episode really didn't understand or give its proper weight, but you can see the ingredients. Alison realizes that she's fighting for her daughter against the assembled forces of social climbing and richesse, which means her whole sad life is repeating itself on her, because she's had to fight those van der Woodsens for everything, just in order to believe in herself, and she whooped it, but now it's back. I mean, you never feel poor until somebody calls you poor, you know? These are the shoes that she is buying for Jenny to wear to her art opening, so that she can say, "I am an artist, and I have a family, and I am a mother, and you too can have it all." That she has finally been forgiven; that this is her debut into the art scene, just like cotillion really: she's a woman who has been redeemed and can now make her way back into society, and all she's asking is for Jenny to wear these shoes, and she couldn't even do that right. So I like the sad little bribe of the shoes, and it's too bad it didn't come off.
Jenny tries desperately to save her own ass, asking to have a private talk with Alison, but Alison's already put it together, and Jenny's ass is grass, so Alison's awesome: "Uh, no, sweetie. We'll have plenty of time to talk later." Twisting the knife, Lily floridly thanks Alison for letting Jenny come to cotillion, especially given that they're so instructive and teach the graces and whatever. "Well, then I'm sure she'll learn a lot," Alison says, agreeing with me for once that Jenny is a brain-damaged heathen. She heads out and Jenny offers to go with, but Alison assures her that that is not necessary. It's scary, and Alison is getting awesomer, and Jenny looks over at the abandoned shoes and feels even crappier. And I am so sure that Alison had to sell her teeth or something to get the money to buy the shoes, and now she has no teeth, or whatever, and it's so sad because Rufus sold all his hair to buy her a toothbrush.
On the way to Blair's tea party for Cece, Serena thanks Dan for being so understanding about how now she's going to cotillion, and he points out that he's got Alison's art opening, so they are both -- for once -- being selfless and doing things for their families. The novelty strikes them both as rather piquant. Dan is wearing an adorable striped sweater. Serena lies to herself via Dan that she's doing cotillion her way, and being herself "in every possible way." And I can't imagine Lily having that conversation with a straight face, because what you just described is...not cotillion. Dan asks that she not be auctioned off for less than a million dollars, and they giggle and kiss, and...yep, cotillion's still both gross and awesome.
Cece introduces Serena and Dan to the chosen escort ... who is Carter Baizen! The Sexy Hobbit! Serena and Carter sniff around the fact that they might, possibly, kind of, mostly, barely know each other. Meaning, of course, that they did it all over Europe on a drunken spree. Cece's like, "Gotcha," and of course Dan has no idea what's going on. Serena corrects her grandmother's introduction of Dan as her "friend," and Carter's friendly enough. He wonders why Dan's not escorting her, then, and Dan stutters for a sec before Cece jumps in with the obvious familial obligation. It's not really that awkward, but it's still nice when Blair shows up and gets them all to sit down for tea.
Later, there's another bad loop of Cece rattling her ice around: "I don't like my ice to get lonely, dear!" and a servant helping her out. Cece is all over Carter's jock about how great it is to have him back from being a trust fund hippie, all, "True gentlemen are a rare breed!" Kati and Iz fill in the blanks about how Carter disowned his parents and took off around the world, and how Gossip Girl even had a special "Spotted" map all about him. Dan's amazed. Carter admits that he did go "a little out of bounds," cracking Cece up, and demonstrates gratitude that his parents are giving him a second chance. Cece rocks out some more: "Carter saw the error of his wayward ways, and he rose like a phoenix from the ashes, Serena!" HA! Love that. Even Serena's like, "Awesome, I can see that." Fat old Carter Baizen winks at Serena about how they weren't all errors, and Lily brings up a "scrape" that Mrs. Baizen told her about in Dubai. Carter, you jerk. Why would you go to Dubai, much less get into scrapes there? Blair, of course, loves Dubai. Think about it. She's all like, "Did you stay at the Burj Al Arab? The tallest, ugliest hotel in the universe?" He says no. Serena thinks Dubai is overrated; instead of taking the hint, Carter drops a bunch of names in a row and acts disgusting. Dan gives him this great "smell you!" look, like, "I would rather eff with an effer than go pheasant-hunting with a sheik."
Jenny tries on a lovely dress and Alison enters, clearing her throat. "I kept the tags," she hisses. "I'll return everything tomorrow." Alison lays it on the line how she knows it's been weird adjusting back to life together, but that Jenny's got her over a barrel: "I can't keep being afraid that if I act more like your mother and less like your friend, that I'm gonna lose you." Which is valid, sort of, except...this would not be a problem if you had acted like her mother in the first place, instead of a bony vapid idiot deserter, so you tell me. Parenting is not a fucking notion. That stuff makes me so mad. Jenny makes a hideous face about how if Alison had just stayed in Hudson, Jenny could still be running around getting drunk and constantly raped all the time. "Well, I am not there. I am here, and I don't really care if that makes you happy or unhappy. I'm still your mother. You can come to my show tomorrow, and then you are grounded for a week." Jenny protests that it's unfair, but I don't know. I kind of like that Jenny's getting totally fucked for bringing her mom back to town, because that traces back to the horrible advice of Vanessa Abrams, which is funny. Jenny's the only person that is actually paying for reminding Alison that she had a family. Well, and Rufus, I guess, except Rufus is asking for it at all times.
Nate is crying to Chuck about how he did everything perfectly, matched his tie to her dress et cetera, and Chuck's all, "Like the book says, she's Just Not That Into You." Then there is awesome: "Man, I have to find out! It's killing me. You guys are still pretty close, aren't you?" Chuck's like, "In a sex-type way, but yeah, we're friends." Could you find who she's seeing? "Me," Chuck says, awesomely, and dumb old Nate's like, "Exactly! Who's on first?" Awesome.
When WASPs Attack! Grandmother Cece makes a beeline for Dan the second he walks in, and delivers a succession of Waterford vases and Tiffany eggcups chock full of whoop-ass: "Do you like it here, Mr. Humphrey?" He says it's like a museum, cold, but it has good water pressure. "That's not what I meant. But of course you would make a joke, that goes to my point. The way you feel? It never goes away. It just gets worse. You'll always use your dessert fork for your entrée. You'll always feel underdressed, no matter what you wear, and at dinner parties, it will be as if there's a language that sounds like English, and you think you speak it, but they don't...hear you. And you don't understand them. As time passes, you'll feel that people never see you, when they look at you, but wonder merely whether you're Serena's whim, or her charity case, until the day comes when you realize that girls like Serena don't end up with Dan Humphrey. They end up with the Carters of the world, and people like you, they turn into cocktail party anecdotes of their foolish youth. So why don't you give it up and spare yourself the pain, hmm? I'm sure Serena will understand." YES! I LOVE YOU, CELIA RHODES! TAKE HIS BROKE ASS OUT!
Dan smiles gracefully, and doesn't break eye contact; they stare each other down. Gossip Girl is impressed: "This just in; we hear there's a cold war brewing between Lonelyboy and a certain blueblood. We never thought we'd say this ourselves..." Serena approaches and asks what's going on; Cece's eyes open slowly like a startled housecat when Dan tells her Cece just talked him into taking her to the ball. "...But our money's on Brooklyn for the win!" Go Dan! That was awesome! He looks her right in the eye and implies that she has leave to totally suck it. Nice!
The Times reporter is wrapping up his preliminary questions Chez Waldorf, and Blair tells him she's dumped the Prince for Nate: "Given our history, it was only right. He is the perfect gentleman, the perfect date." Chuck enters and meets the reporter at this point, giving Blair props for forgiving Nate after he ruined her birthday and slept with her best friend. Blair puts a halt to this by grinding his foot into dust, and then dismisses the reporter. WTF is the question, but Chuck's got other ones: "I should ask you the same question! 'Perfect gentleman'? 'Perfect date'? That broken record was a hit last year. Get with the times. He bores you!" Blair points out, on the other hand, that Chuck just attempted to wreck her Times interview, which is the entire point: he can't be trusted to keep quiet and constantly deny everything. "Nate is a gentleman. He would never cause a scene." Chuck notes also that he isn't exactly a turn-on, but Blair sends him away; Carter Baizen left his jacket at the tea party, and she doesn't want anybody to see Chuck at her house: "There's been enough scenes for today." Never, ever true!
Cece takes her show on the road, hot-footing it through time and space to the gallery in Williamsburg and coming out of the shadows like a scary mean ghost. "So I see it's true what they say, about the apple and the tree." Rufus is like, "I would say I'm happy to see you, but I never eff with an effer." Cece tells Rufus that Dan has changed his tune and will be taking Serena to the ball, and she points out that this is a bad idea. And honestly, she's right. If you're going to do it wrong, why even do it, you know? That's like Vanessa stomping her rude ass through the Masquerade Ball: why even go if you're not going to play along? "There's no point in being presented if it's improperly, and your Daniel is not a proper companion for a girl like Serena. He's a...temporary distraction. I need her to focus on her future." Cece offers to buy every single painting in the entire gallery if Rufus will keep Dan out of the picture for the ball. "Before you answer, remember: a grown man with children is in a very different position than a young man. The money could be useful now. Not to mention how much this sale would mean to your wife's career as an artist..." Take it! Take the money! This is nothing! He's like, "I am a Humphrey Man and I have integrity! Money is stupid! My son cannot be bought!" Cece's like, "That's the difference between you people and us: we can be. My daughter dropped you in about a minute, once I brought cheddar into it." Nice.
Rufus beats it back to DUMBO, where Dan's getting dressed for the ball. Dan stutters and tries to explain how it's okay that he's dumping his mom for the cotillion, even though his sister just about got herself hit trying this, but since it's now personal, Rufus is like, "Fuck your mom and her art show. You go show that Rhodes woman what a classless Humphrey man can accomplish!" Oh wait, I was making that up, but then he actually said it: "Tux looks great. Shoes look great. You look so great! You're gonna make me proud. Show that Celia Rhodes what us Humphrey Men are made of!" Dan's like, "Once again you are being weird and vicarious about my love life." Rufus explains how Cece came to visit him, and then father and son make eyebrows at each other. Humphrey eyebrows of incoming truth and weird family history, and Dan's new mission to eff with Cece.
At the Palace, which...all of this is happening before the ball? When did it stop being yesterday? Whatever, time and space. Flossy flossy! Cece's like, "Get a load of this bullshit! I'm so sure Serena's going to take a year off school and teach English in South Asia." Lily asks what on earth, besides faking cancer, she's expected to do about her daughter's good-hearted choices. "Well, if Serena's doing this for me, it has to be right. Besides, it took me years to restore our family name after your exploits. Trust me, you don't want to do the same." Lily makes a huh face. I don't know; she doesn't seem to still be the kind of woman that would imprison her mentally ill son anymore, thanks to the sunshiny powers of Humphrey proximity, but I still think the family-name concept is something that should be taken pretty seriously.
Serena calls up Jenny to ask where the heck she is, and Jenny sadly tells her the bad news about how Alison feels like parenting today so she can't go. "I don't understand. I thought that this was like your dream. Besides, don't you want to see your brother in a tux?" Jenny, on learning that her asshole father has just contravened her asshole mother by letting Dan go to the ball without telling anybody, gets a righteous fire in her belly. She tells S she'll be there soon, and makes the most awesome face after hanging up, like, "Huh. Ain't that a bitch."
Chuck's back in his evil Batman limo surveilling Carter outside stately Waldorf Manor, and his face is grim as he sends Gossip Girl the pictures, like a post-millennial monogrammed hanky.
Serena's got some distracting danglies happening from the top of her dress, but of course she looks amazing. Dan gives her one hundred kisses and then brings up the fact that her grandmother is a dangerous psychotic. Serena, of course, does not take this well, and of course it's no help that Dan's displaying his usual inability to say anything without chomping on his big old Humphrey Man feet while doing it. "I know she's got the whole free spirit act perfected..." Um, act? He never really gets to the point -- which is that she totally threatened him to his face, which is valid -- but for reasons of the script, instead he just kind of...calls her grandmother an asshole about twelve times and then sits back, like, "See? You have to pick me over her." Which Serena is not going to do. He even manages to call Lily a bitch, somehow, in the middle of it. This is all devastating for Serena, coming out of the blue as it does, and in the characteristically dumb way of Dan Humphrey, so she starts crying and pretty much asks him to leave. It's heartbreaking. But what are you going to do? "You just called my grandmother an asshole. Like twelve times. Without explaining yourself at all. Please leave." Poor girl. He kisses her cheek goodbye, and she's not feeling it. The second he's gone, Grandma Cece appears once more out of the gloom all like, "I got Baizen on speed dial, ho!"
James Dean always said that Iago was in love with Othello, so there's your interesting fact for the week. I think Chuck would agree. He follows up the GG.net hanky with a Between-You-And-Me heart-to-heart about how Blair's secretly dating Carter. "He's got everyone fooled, Blair thinks he's reformed... He's obviously just toying with her to get at you!" Which makes...not a lick of sense, but this is Othello, so just go with it. "We just need to wait until we can get him in a public place, where everyone who thinks he's changed can see the truth, and we can get him back for everything he's done to you, and everything he's...doing to Blair." If you know what Chuck means, and I think that you do. They're standing in the courtyard somewhere, probably the Palace, and so of course right then Carter shows up, and Chuck's like, "Well, fuck. Now I have to go through with it." Which is awesome, because it's Dan dropping out again that made Carter show up here, which means everything that happens affects everything else in a really cool way. Like, this was all a story Chuck was telling Nate to get the heat off himself, just some gossip and rumor that the principals wouldn't think twice about, because they would know it's not true. Only because Cece pissed Dan off, then pissed Rufus off, which caused Dan to go to Serena, which caused Serena to dump him for Carter, the whole thing is now very real, and Chuck's fulfilling Blair's prophecy that he ruins everything by ruining cotillion. So neat!
Some poor thing is working on B's dress, and being told in a hissing grin, "If you don't pull it together, I'm gonna go Naomi Campbell on you." Serena wonders if Jenny -- master seamstress that she is -- might help, but Blair's still pissed at her for...I don't even remember. Oh, telling her about the kissing at Masquerade. "You're dismissed." I remember now. Jenny approaches timidly, asking Serena for a pronunciation on her presentation statement. Which we'll be hearing both versions of in a second, so like, what's the word she can't read? "Conservancy"? "Van der Woodsen"? Whatever. Serena's like, "This statement is lies! I do not hope to continue to live on the Upper East Side, I will not devote my life to volunteering for the Nature Conservancy and Junior League, and I refuse to have two wonderful children!" Blair laughs her ass off about how it's like identical to hers, and S tells Jenny that Dan's not coming again, as Carter makes unknown changes to the statement. I think that he is an effer on a grand scale and that he is effing with powers beyond his control. Of course, this is the same girl who was outed for a nonexistent drug problem in front of the entire Ivy League and managed to skate by with zero ill effects, so I'm not sure why I would be worried.
Nate's like, "How come Carter's even here?" and Chuck gets a little Jennyish in the lying department: "Oh, um, he's using Serena as a cover! His plans are like Byzantine!" Nate steps up on Carter big-time and Carter tries to apologize for that time he tried to get Nate whacked in Queens -- and not in the good way -- but Nate's all, "I'm a tough little man in an angry little tuxedo, and I am going to stand right here to you being so mad!" Carter is such an effer that he starts flirting with Nate, because -- not in a gay way, just in an "Oh, this is intriguing, with the little upset man shaking to me for no reason" way -- because he has no idea what Nate is talking about, because the whole thing is made up in Chuck's head, so he takes it as it comes, all, "Oh yeah, cutie? You're 'onto me'?" I have to say, that reaction to Nate's little teapot tempest has really upped my read on that particular effer. If something as delicate and lovely and strange as a Nate Archibald got all muscly with me about mysterious made-up shit, I daresay I'd do the same thing: "Oh yeah? That's...awesome, little guy. Tell me all about it, but you know what, don't hurt yourself."
Katya Farkas, daughter of Jonathan and Rose Farkas -- surely those are the most Asian names I've ever heard -- is escorted by Richard North. Who is adorable. Kati "hopes to major in neuroscience," remember, "and will continue her family's legacy as supporters of the New York Public Library and Lincoln Center." Blair Cornelia Waldorf -- rocking a giant-ass bow as usual, this time on her shoulder, the exact size and shape of her own head -- daughter of Harold and Eleanor Waldorf, is escorted by Nathaniel Archibald. "She plans to be a member of Yale's class of 2013. She will continue to summer in Southampton, and volunteer her time to children's charities." Well, children's charities and gun-running. I don't know why; I just see her becoming an arms dealer at some point.
"And now I'd like to present Serena Celia van der Woodsen, daughter of committee member Lilian van der Woodsen, granddaughter of Chairwoman Emeritus Celia Catherine Rhodes, escorted by Carter Baizen. Miss van der Woodsen hopes to bed as many billionaires as she can, before settling down to..." I love that her laugh here is just joyful. Serena loves train wrecks too. Lily is kind of weirded out, like it doesn't feel as good as she wants it to, and Cece has a total breakdown in the face area. "Miss Isabel Coates, uh, presented by Raymond North, daughter of Arthur and Iris Coates..." Raymond North, also adorable. You know, Kati and Iz, everybody feels so bad for them being the Minoriteens and wearing their little outfits, but on the other hand, how great to date twins and whatever. It's like the thing that keeps Blair and Serena from being Kati and Iz is the same stuff that keeps them from being happy. So Kati and Iz, on this level, are actually better at life than either B or S, because you know they'll do exactly what it says on their presentation statements, whereas B and S couldn't have normal lives if they tried. There's a benefit to being vague and passive, is all I'm saying. Just remember what deals you're prepared to make.
Dan shows back up at the gallery, admitting that he has been bested by Cece. As though there was any question. "She has a habit of doing that, but maybe it's for the best. You're here with your family." Or most of it: Alison naturally wonders where the daughter she alienated might have gone off to, and Dan's like, "Or you could give it ten minutes before you get mad?" No, Dan. Get mad now. It's Jenny we're talking about. Alison revs up her excitement and takes her second-favorite child on a tour of her shitty art.
Group dancing! And the Pierces! Performing at cotillion! This is what I am talking about! Come on, show, be like this more often! Blair watches Nate staring scarily at Carter dancing with Serena, and does the math, which is that Nate is still into Serena. Which isn't true, but Chuck has cast a spell that now includes everybody. "We're friends now, right? You can tell me." Carter laughs as they trade off, joking that he's a better dancer than Nate; Chuck whispers to Nate that he's telling her what he's going to do to her later. It's very Shakespearian, because nobody can hear him say this but Nate, and there's no way he could have heard what Carter was saying, so it's like this dreamlike hot mess. Love it. Nate jumps all over Carter and starts a big huge fight. And I'm sure all of Society is like, "I heard his dad was a cokehead, too." Blair bitches that the boyfight ripped her dress, which was custom-made of course, and begs Jenny to fix the dress so she won't get in trouble. Jenny is trying to leave for the gallery, but Blair promises all will be forgiven.
Lily is pissed at this point, because Serena has managed to embarrass the hog caller, then start a brawl between Nate and Carter...it's all so Serena, because she wasn't actually present for any of it, like, she just wanted to wear a pretty dress and for people to stop calling her grandmother an asshole. That's literally all she had on her agenda. And instead, she has caused chaos and ruin for the tenth night in a row. She yells at Lily for rewriting her presentation statement and the Junior League crap, and Lily's like, "It's a society ball, Serena. You have to represent yourself well." Serena asks the very Dan-like question, "How is it representing myself well if it's all lies?" Um, you just...answered your own question? I never expected to have to explain irony to Serena, about this of all things, but, like, to me? Being yourself is how they get you. Look at Blair: she keeps all her scary, awesome shit private, and never pays for anything. Why this need to implicate everybody in your shit, Serena? Just repress yourself until it comes out in weird kinky ways, like the rest of us! Serena points out that her mother, as late as earlier that day, was not a pod person, and that Lily lied and said it would be okay for Serena to be herself. "All you care about when people look at me is what they think of you." Um, yeah? See, this is what happens when you drink Dan's Kool-Aid. Basic shit stops making sense to you. Cece ghosts her way through the background of the scene but doesn't say anything. Lily protests that she accepts and loves Serena, but then Serena gets intense. "No you don't, but let me tell you something. If I ever do have those two children, I would never do this to them. I would accept them for who they are, including who they date, no matter what, and I'd make sure they damn well knew it." So...Eric is gay? Explains the highlights, at least. Serena runs off with her skirts held high and a very Dan-like anger in her eyes.
Dan's phone rings and a strange person makes a strange request. Who could it be? He heads out to meet the mysterious person. I hope he is not being effed with. Dan's been through a lot this week.
Serena holds a cold glass against Carter's head, where he's starting to bruise. "I know this is not what you signed up for..." Carter tells her it's not nearly as painful as waking up in Santorini and finding out she'd ditched him and taken off. Serena smiles and says that their one-time affair was a little bit overwhelming for her. Being the male version of Serena, he gets it, which is why he was surprised when Cece called him last week to invite him to cotillion. "Wait. Last week? I wasn't even going to cotillion last week." Right, but Cece knew she would change Serena's mind. Serena's like, "OMG, what if my grandmother is an asshole?"
Dan's mysterious person is...Lily, who immediately tells him to shut up and gives him another Rhodes Woman speech: "So please listen to me and don't interrupt, because what I have to say is hard for me. When I was your age, I would have been lucky to find a guy like you, and I...kind of did, but when it came down to it, I thought my mother knew who I was much better than I knew myself. I'm not sure exactly who my daughter was, but I know who she's become since she met you. She returns home every night at a reasonable hour, she doesn't drink, she doesn't do drugs. I don't know if you're responsible for that, but I don't think it's a coincidence. You belong with my daughter, and I think everyone should know that. Will you come with me?" Aww. She's so freakin' great. Dan doesn't grin or giggle, just smiles at her, because he knows what all that cost. "Yes, Mrs. van der Woodsen. I would love to." And as they head for the ball, she corrects him: "It's Lily."
As Blair enters, Chuck signals the band, and they start singing again. Awesome. She starts to dance, looking for Nate, but Chuck explains that Nate got thrown out, leaving just Chuck for her to dance with. And of course, it's Blair, so she figures everything out in five seconds. "That's your look when your plan falls into place. You're enjoying this. You knew Carter was going to my house, you tipped off Gossip Girl, you ruined my cotillion on purpose. You did all this for your own enjoyment and didn't care what it would do to me, which is exactly why you and I can never work!" He tries to explain that it wasn't like that this time, but she's close enough to being right that there's not a whole lot he can say. When your whole burlesque show is about being ten steps ahead, which is what they are both all about, it's hard and maybe impossible to admit that things can get away from you, even if anybody would believe it. He tries to kiss her and she shoves him away, dumping him for good. It's very sad.
Cece approaches the suddenly quite thirsty S, congratulating her on the giant fuck-up she was involved in. "I was able to clean it up. The chairs agreed to reissue your presentation statement in the committee's winter newsletter." Serena's just goggle-eyed: "I stood up for you. With Dan, I defended you." Cece's awesomely breezy: "Mmmmmmwe'll talk about that later." S tells her to shove it, and asks if she's even sick. Cece chuckles and admits she's not -- "But I could be! All those cigarettes and cocktails!" Serena's still confused, like Blair with Chuck, why Cece would even do this. And just like Chuck, it's not so much that she orchestrated it, as that she let it get away from her; that she was doing horrible things to protect the only people she loved, and ended up getting burned by it. "Oh, Serena. There is so much you don't understand. A woman has to earn the right to create her own rules." I appreciate that. Serena goes all third-wave on her ass about how it's not like that anymore, and I think it's less that women have to do that as maybe we all have to do that now. Cece is arch, but admits maybe Serena's right when she sees Dan over her shoulder. Her face does soften; she seems almost pleased that Dan's returned. He approaches without taking his eyes off Serena's face, and they begin to dance. Cece watches her entire legacy going to shit, tries to be happy about it, and just at the tympani Dan dips her granddaughter, and they kiss.
Chuck goes looking everywhere for Blair, eventually finding her upstairs in her gorgeous gown, kissing Nate at the top of the stairs. He stands still on the steps, in his tux, watching. Blair murmurs into his chest how sexy it was, when he punched Carter, that she's never seen anything like that before, and Nate catches Chuck's eyes as she pushes him back into a suite, and grins at him so sweetly, so proud and innocent and complicit, and winks at him. Because Chuck just got him his girlfriend back, like a true friend, and wouldn't a true friend be happy for him? Wouldn't he stand upon the stair, and watch the two people he loved most in the world going off to be together, leaving him out of it, stuck on the stairs in his tuxedo, alone? "Spotted: Chuck Bass losing something no one knew he had to begin with. His heart."
Bonus show! Again! Jenny enters the gallery, where her mother is standing all alone on one foot like a bony old photograph. Jenny tries to apologize, but apparently fixing that rip in Blair's dress took just enough time that she missed the opening altogether. Meanwhile, Lily and Cece have been on a mad treasure hunt going from borough to borough starting trouble and making messes and ordering people to go to cotillion or not go to cotillion, in the time that it took Jenny to fix the dress and Blair to have like one third of a dance. I love this show so, so much. Alison gives a pretty good speech: "I accept your apology, but it doesn't really make it okay. Sweetie. Honey, as you get older, every choice that you make defines who you're gonna turn into. So rather than apologize to me, you need to look at yourself and ask if you like the person you're becoming." She caresses Jenny's hair and leaves, and Jenny feels bad. And I don't disagree with the content of what she's saying, but it's like, Little J seems to have a pretty good idea of the kind of person she wants to be, and she seems to be getting there at a rapid constant rate, and most of that has to do with the fact that Blair Waldorf is still a more dependable source of maternal affection than your skinny ass, even though she spends most of the time swearing blood vendetta on Jenny's head. So think about that, Bancroft-fucker, and get back to me. Whenever you feel like it, apparently. I'm just not sold on why and how Alison's feelings signify, so hurting them or not hurting them doesn't seem to me to be particularly character-defining as yet. My rule is, your parents decide not to parent? They're not your parents anymore. Parenthood is a privilege, not a right.
Even though they're grounded from each other, because another one of Alison's notions we all need to go along with is her marriage, Rufus calls Lily's phone. She's standing at the top of a stair, looking down at the crowd as it leaves; Rufus tells her about Cece's visit and Lily admits that once, long ago, she did receive an offer she couldn't refuse. "I wasn't strong enough then," she says, wonderfully, and tells him he never would have understood, back then. "But if I had known you hadn't actually left me for him, I..." She begs him not to say it. She laughs, and tells him not to think it. "I can't help myself. I never should have let you...let me go." He hangs up and they both feel weird, but down on the floor, there's Dan and Serena, kissing sweetly, and she smiles. Dan picks her up in his arms, and Serena looks up at her mother, and Lily nods her approval, and everything is perfect for a second. She watches him spin her daughter around, and they kiss and clasp hands, and run out into the city together.
"It's often said that no matter the truth, people see what they want to see. Some people might take a step back and find out they were looking at the same big picture all along." This episode really is something, from a mechanical standpoint. The directing and the editing are a bit spottier than usual, but on paper it's a whirling quaint device. Cece shakes terribly as she lays out her pills and takes them with a glass of water; she has the graces a woman needs, and she's still using them to protect the people she loves the most. The best lies are the ones in plain sight, or as GG says, "Some people might see that their lies have almost caught up to them."
Nate and Blair are looking totally amazing and having crazy sex. Man, Nate. Good old...good on you, Nate. "Some people may see what was there all along." In fact, we did not have all the facts, like what Nate looks like naked. We did not know that part. Down in the street, Chuck's wearing a red turtleneck and khaki trench that are easily fifty times gayer than anything he's ever worn. "And then there are those other people, the ones who run as far as they can so they don't have to look at themselves." Chuck tells his driver to take him to "the airport," which whatever, and GG throws a little non sequitur on it for good measure: "And as for me? I can see clearly now."
So the score is now: Chuck is out, again, Cece really does have the cancer, Jenny has once again not learned her lesson about when it's appropriate to be a bitch, Alison needs a sandwich and also to stop thinking anybody owes her anything, Lily is about to be sainted, Blair and Nate are back together for about five seconds, and Dan and Serena really are the most romantic couple ever. December 19, Harold and Roman come back to NYC, and Serena gets Dan's V-card for Xmas. XOXO, see you then.