Half-cocked references to Pynchon and Atwood, yeah, but on the other hand, Chuck gets to say "Chichi, get the llello," so: even stevens. If you're thinking Blair's is one of those Masquerade Balls where nobody can tell who anybody else is even though they're itsy-bitsy little masks made out of papier-mâché and stamped tinsel, you're not wrong. It's just that this show is awesome. Jenny's not invited, although Blair lets her down easy. For Blair, anyway. Nate finds some coke in his dad's study, and runs to Serena for moral support, but he's brutally rebuffed when he tries to turn it into a love connection. Later, the Captain totally pins it on him, creepsterly. Meanwhile, Serena and Dan separately geek out about whether he's too cool for a Masquerade Ball, and separately decide that they should go together. Enter Vanessa Abrams, an old flame of Lonelyboy's. And boy, is she alternative. A real nonconformist. Perfect for Dan -- although to be fair, he's totally charming again this week. He hurts S's feelings trying to stall them both, so S goes with a horrible blind date from Newport who eventually bones Kati and Iz. Vanessa talks Jenny into attending anyway, and Dan decides to crash. Lily also takes Rufus to a party at Eleanor Waldorf's, in order to make Bart Bass jealous. It works. Also, his date is Caridee, so deal with that. Little J gets her masked revenge by stranding Chuck naked on the roof, where he is forced to gay up offscreen once again. V sneaks in, discovers the truth about Lonelyboy and S, and throws drama. Meanwhile, Jenny gets spooked out of her skin by a sudden declaration of love and kissing from Nate, who thinks she's Serena. Blair doesn't see this, but she does see the total lack of Nate on her jock at the Ball, and feels betrayed anyway. Everybody else makes out okay: Jenny continues to rule, Dan makes passionate declarations of love to Serena, and he and Vanessa decide to work on their friendship. Somehow, though, I don't think Lonelyboy's necessarily as decided about all this as he proclaims. XOXO.
Oh, you'll never guess what I didn't read on Gossip Girl this week! Guess who's back in town? Vanessa Abrams! Who? The more pertinent question would be: Who cares? Well, we do: Vanessa Abrams is the female version of Dan. We're still looking for the male version of Dan. In the books, she's an irritating shaven-headed photographer/artiste, but here she seems to hail from that post-national future world that has past brought us such irritating beauties as Vin Diesel and Kristin Kreuk. A genetic mash-up worthy of the Gorillaz. And even better: not an asshole. I mean, I admit that Dan is wonderful, no matter what particular teen-boy issues he may have, and God knows I hated him in the books, so I'll reserve judgment for now. The second she starts taking artsy pictures of pigeons pecking condoms in the street, though, I am throwing down.
"Spotted: S and Lonelyboy mackin' in the Meatpacking. Opposites do attract, but for how long? And who am I?" You know the drill, XOXO and et cetera. The GG.net website itself makes an appearance here, and again later, and it's pretty much your usual bloggy-blog: Perez- or Socialite Life-style pictures and text, with a billion things happening in the first and third columns. Jenny's in a store obviously doing Blair's grunt-work as GG fills us in on the awkward Regency parallel for the week: "Long ago, when European royals grew bored with palace balls, they took a page from the peons and added some pageantry. Couture and canapés are just another Saturday night until you add a mask, but preparing for a ball is an event in itself... Which is why queens invented handmaidens." The distractingly hot guy helping Jenny get all of Team Blair's dresses and bling together assumes she's going to the Masquerade; Jenny's hopeful but basically knows better. "Here's hoping," he says, and drapes this ridiculously beautiful bracelet, dripping with diamonds, across her wrist: "We'll put it on Blair's tab." She protests, but he calls it a loaner and just tells her to bring it by after the ball. This makes Jenny feel like a classy red-carpet girl, and she almost passes out from the glamour.
B and S lounge around on Blair's bed, looking luxe. As usual, Blair is ten times more noticeably garbed than Serena: a lovely purple velvet dress with a bow. And Serena is wearing...van der Woodsen manqué, flowy and sweet and grownup. Serena's aghast at the intensity of this year's costumery -- "something about a custom-made corset, and I hear there are wigs involved?" -- but Blair explains that she's going all-out because of a secret plan having to do with oblivious Nate. "It's a game. It's a scavenger hunt. Nate starts the night with a clue, which leads him to a lady-in-waiting, who gives him a clue to the lady..." S is like, "You have 'ladies' now?" Yes. Of course she does, S. Welcome to, like, life. "If he finds me before midnight when the masks come off, he can claim his prize." Serena takes a moment to figure out what that prize is, and Blair gives some awesome hubba-hubba eyebrows, and then S feels totally creepy and weird about lying in bed talking about how B is finally going to sleep with her boyfriend, with whom S already knocked boots. And to be fair, S is right: that's awkward. "I just figured that after everything that's happened, or...hasn't happened, I should find some way to make it special." S tries really hard to get on board with this entire freaky convo, because obviously B has done whatever necessary internal logic puzzles that make this discussion okay. Which: good for Blair. Nothing says emotional health like actually dropping your bullshit when you're claiming to have dropped your bullshit. On the other hand, nothing says emotional wreck like pretending to have dropped your bullshit.
I think it's somewhere in the middle, and mainly B's using this conversation to Mean-Girl Serena into cosigning B's relationship with N as a real life grownup reality, which she's not explicitly yet done. The old I'm Going To Fuck My Boyfriend & You Will Facilitate This In Some Token Way trick. Which we've all used from time to time, if we're being honest. "Well, that's really romantic, Blair." Serena offers the possibility of her not going anywhere near this doomed tryst and ruining it by sheer dint of -- her Serena-ness? Her Sereniquity? Her Serenity -- but B's not having it. If Blair fucked Nate in the woods and Serena wasn't there to see it, what exactly would be the point? See: "No, I want you to come. In fact, I was hoping you would be one of my ladies. Would you give Nate the last clue?" Already did that, sweetheart, but I admire the balls-outness of this. It's so Blair to prove that everything's fine by violently making sure that everything is not fine. But if the plan works, then it really will be, and that's so Blair too. She's like a very violent mathematician. "Solve for X? I'll fucking set X on fire." But she really does mean all of it at the same time, because that's how people work: "Tonight is all about starting over." Her voice, and her face, get harder and more willful with every word: "I trust you. And him." And because S knows as well as we do that this is how Blair gets shit done, S gives in completely, literally bowing down to her: "Well, then I will be honored to serve you, my queen." Besides, since N can hardly be trusted, S is bringing Dan anyhow, right?
Cut O.C.-ishly to Lonelyboy, looking fly in argyle: "A...ball?" Rufus lays out this week's most subversive theme in such a deadpan, joking way that you could miss it: "Haven't you heard? Your sister's Cinderella." Six different awesome ways, she is. Dan fills in the rest: "And...your wicked stepsister is Blair Waldorf." Jenny admits that she's on ash duty beforehand, but she's happy to help; that is, she is willing to make the same deal she's always willing to make. Rufus asks if this means an invite and gown, and Jenny just about breaks into song about the majesty of it all: "Everyone in disguise, in this old ballroom..." She wonders why S didn't invite Lonelyboy yet, and he explains that they're barely dating: they've been out twice, by his count. By mine, they've been out five times and all five times were about how they really needed to go on a real date, and then never did, but I like Dan's math better. Jenny heads out to make her Cindeliveries, offering to pick Dan up a tux if it works out with Serena. Left alone with Rufus, "man talk" looming in a dark corner, Dan explains succinctly that S ditching him for the ball is actually a good thing, because it's so "pretentious" that this means Serena really knows him, so then true love, so obviously whatever barfy barf.
Back to Serena: "I know him. A masked ball? Dan would never want to go to something that pretentious, where he has to wear a mask and a tux?" You know, pretentious is one of those words which...to me, it's like tossing around "deconstruction" or "closure," in that probably you're using it wrong. And yeah, I realize the irony right there, okay, but seriously: what's "pretentious" about a masked ball? It's the most obvious, silly, ironic thing in the world, and that's the second, wrong meaning of "pretentious," which is actually code for "you think you're better than me," which is code for "I think you are better than me, which gives me anxiety." The fact that S can use the word the same way Dan does shows how much more comfortable she is with herself, and with Dan, than Dan is with either of them. Blair offers the opinion that Dan would wear not only a tux but an Eleanor Waldorf original, just to be with Serena. Which is true. Blair also points out that he has no other plans or dates, because he is Dan Humphrey, Loser At Large. They laugh about this, and then Serena sunshines about how maybe he would like it more, because "all those kids from school that he hates...he won't even recognize them," which -- if you're cool with Dan's inability to show any kind of social grace at all in the company of his peers -- is a very good point. Blair hands her the phone, and insists. On like six levels.
"I'm not saying I wouldn't go. If Serena asked me, I wouldn't deprive her of my company." Rufus agrees that this would be too cruel. Rufus is very scruffy and possibly surpassing the hotness levels he reached in the pilot as he tells Dan to just "make it happen" and "put [him]self out there" and whatever Lonely Rocker Self-Help madness he has read this week. Dan points out that the Ball is happening in a few hours, so it's kind of late for bold gestures. Of course, the phone rings, but not of course, it is not Serena. It's Vanessa Effing Abrams. He stalls for three rings but finally answers, and her first question is whether he still has her copy of The Crying Of Lot 49, which, let's talk first of all about "pretentious," and second of all, how ironic, because they're both a total W.A.S.T.E. He's like, WTF, but it turns out that she's sitting in his bedroom window! Not creepy at all! Giggling! He has a minor meltdown for reasons we will soon understand, and they chat about how it's great/not-great/weird for her to be there right now in the flesh, and when his phone rings, Vanessa leaves him to it. Rufus, of course, loooves Vanessa. All of this reminds me of an awesome t-shirt the posters mentioned this week on the forums: "Wouldn't It Be Ironic If You Went The Fuck Back To Williamsburg?" Even after nearly a week that still fills me with delight.
Serena takes a billion years, with Blair pushing in the background, to get to the point, juuuust long enough that she manages to overhear Vanessa running around the house, cramming all of Rufus's delicious food into her face. Dan, of course, because he is Dan, blurts that it's just his sister talking, and of course she's managed to make it across town to Stately Waldorf Manor in the five seconds since she left the last scene, so S spots her, so then she's sad. Meanwhile, Little J's hopes of attending are dashed, so that's two sad blondes, and then S does something amazing: totally spazzes out. "No, uh, no, never mind, thank you, have a good day." "Have a good day"? That's crazy awesome. I love Serena. He's like, "Um, okay?" and then hangs up the phone. As V asks Lonelyboy what they're doing tonight, S spills that she's going to need a date to the Ball. B: "Whaaaa?"
The Captain, Nate's father, bitches and moans about the starch in his shirt, and N's heretofore invisible mommy, who is blonde and icy like every other mommy in New York City, is like, "This isn't about laundry, this is about your desperate need to get the Waldorf account," like, so much so that he's whoring out his own child, and in turn because, as we're about to learn, he is a giant cokehead. So maybe it's not even really about Eleanor Waldorf's IPO, and more about how being a giant cokehead makes you act like a prick? Nate comes into this situation looking dewy in his PJs and a robe, and watches them exposit for awhile. The Captain runs off back to the office to "look over the proposal" again, and her shoulders slump like she knows that actually means "do a bunch more cocaine," and you can translate the Archibalds' secret codes all day, but man are they boring. She tells N everything's fine, and he stands stock still on the stairs, trying to form like a single thought.
Vanessa shrieks about the wonders of New York City and how in Vermont there is only one movie theatre, which shows wholesome family fare, such as The Pacifier, starring -- you guessed it -- her brother-in-phenotype Vin Diesel. She can't pick a movie, so Dan has to pick the movie, which means putting his (we assume) cinematic knowledge on shout, I guess, because they are just overwhelmed by choice, and anyway, he doesn't want to fully commit to their outing, not really, because what if Serena calls? And not that he's the Seth, but this is all kind of Sethly, right here. It's a bit more subtle, because it's all happening via cell phones, so you just have Dan's stuttering to go on, really. Vanessa posits that in fact he's not into this date behavior because he's got plans for a "big night out with overprivileged, under-parented trust-fund brats" from his "fancy school," and threatens to egg and slash the tires of his imaginary limousine. She then asks if it's weird having her around, and he stares at her bizarre, complicated, beautiful face for awhile. She has five times, easily, the number of features that people usually have on their faces, so it takes a while. It comes out that Dan professed love for Vanessa before she left, the very night in fact, and now it's been a year. OMG they're like Blair and Serena, only less likeable. And they don't, um, hold my interest. He finally agrees to the movie, now that the elephant in the room is finally romping around like XXX the gay super-agent, and they agree it's good to have her home. The rest of Brooklyn will reserve judgment at this time.
Chuck and Nate are hanging out in the Captain's study, trying on masks and studiously not fooling around. Chuck is wearing ... the cutest. Pink argyle sweater. I have ever seen. Cheers for Chuck. They are looking for "evidence," Nate explains to him, and Chuck's like, "Of what, his hatred of starch?" Because apparently either that's big news, or Chuck just gets Captain Howard in some way we'll never understand. They exposit that N did in fact approach his dad about the missing money, and his dad did say that it was no big deal, and that the money was back the day. "So why worry? Mysterious financial transactions, warring parents. Welcome to the Upper East Side." I love Chuck's laissez-faire responses to all of Nate's bullshit. "So sometimes at my house you get raped. Deal. Our parents are jerks." Of course, it's Chuck that finds the coke and delivers the best line of the night, in terms of weird juxtapositionary dialogue: "Chichi get the llello! Nathaniel, I'm shocked. I thought you were strictly an herbal man!" But of course, it's not Nate's coke. It's Nate's college fund!
B is wearing an awesome schoolgirl sweater set, with collar popped, because she is in efficiency mode. She stalks around the house with Kati and Isabel delivering speeches: "Who does this Dan Humphrey think he is? Serena is putting up a strong front, but I can see how hurt she is. We have to help her heal her heart." One of them notes that it's late notice, but nothing will stop Blair from pulling off yet another complicated scheme that only she understands: "No more excuses. Serena must have the hottest date ever. If he's got plans, he'll change them. If he's got a girlfriend, he'll dump her, and if he's out of town, he'll charter a G5 and fly home. Make it happen." They come upon Eleanor, who is approving a giant hookah, because her party is themed Morocco. "Is it a bong, Mother? I didn't take you for a stoner." I want to see Blair interact with Mom more often when it's not just a plot point. This has potential: "Why do you have to celebrate your Bendel's deal by turning our penthouse into an opium den?" Mom just laughs and waves her off, Chuck-style, and giggles madly, clearly loving the party in a pure way. Blair loves it, and I would call her look at this moment one of slight adoration for her mom, who is, to be honest, one of the best things about this episode, if you keep your eye on her.
N calls up Blair to talk about his dad's sudden coke habit, and gets this cute message in response: "Hey, it's Blair. I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, but I'm getting ready for the Masked Ball. See you tonight, if you recognize me. Which you won't." He mumbles around a bit and shows us that he is freaking out through the power of mumbles.
Jenny drops off the last of her thousand trials and labors and Blair is very sincere in her thanks, because you have to be nice to the help, because they are crafty and can smell fear. She continues the fratty stuff about how lugging giant gowns is part of Jenny's "education," which, I like the Dangerous Liaisons thing they always do there so much, and then notices the bracelet. "Vintage, right?" She compliments the diamonds on looking like diamonds, and Jenny excitedly explains about how the guy loaned it to her. Blair takes a second to figure it out, and then goes simultaneously steely and genuinely sympathetic: "Oh! Oh, sweetie, you didn't think you were gonna be able to come tonight, right?" But freshmen don't go, and that's tradition. OMG just as in the prophecy of Rufus, foretold in these very webpages, when he compared her to Cinderellas of yore! Jenny offers the weak explanation/apology that she went stupid for a second about this because there were five dresses for four people, and she made the mistake of thinking Blair was human and liked her especially. "You always need backup. I mean, what if I spilled something? Or a zipper broke?" Jenny thanks her for those helpful household tips and flees, hating the world and all the things in it.
Lily produces a black dress with crazy glitter all over the place, wondering if gives off a sufficient degree of "Night In Tangiers" rays to satisfy Eleanor. "Maybe if you brought a goat," Serena says, because Eleanor always goes all-out. Just like her daughter, who is also throwing a party tonight, of course, which segues us neatly into talk of Dan. Who has plans actually, with a mystery woman about whom he lied previously. Lily's like, "Well, whattayagonnado? Play the field. Get out there." S asks if Lily's got a date, and her secret boyfriend Bart Bass is going to be there with Caridee, which is sad in all ways simultaneously, so no, she's not taking a date. But then Lily feels the fear. She heads off to try on her dress and "find a goat," which is not a polite way to talk about Rufus Humphrey when he's looking so good this week, and Serena makes an e-connection with her e-hottie date, an "Edward Abbott," who got her IM address from Kati. "Well, he's no Dan, but I guess he'll do," Serena says to herself, alone. Aww. I'm saying give it a chance. Firstly, he's cute, and secondly, well, you said it yourself.
Dan phones Jenny to say that he's going to the movie with Vanessa, and invites her along in case Blair once again lets her down brutally, and then his eyes catch GossipGirl.net on an open laptop, where things are crazy right now. "Why is it that friends of Serena van der Woodsen have to search for her suitor? Have fables fallen so out of fashion that the princesses have to do everything themselves? Call us old-school, but sometimes the fairy-tale ending requires the knight to get off his ass and saddle up his steed. XOXO..." He looks about ready to saddle up and die. And just as Serena and Edward Abbott are making plans, Dan starts Googling around for a cheap tux. That one settled, Serena's surprised to find Nate standing at her door, looking distraught. She takes pains to get her robe together so he won't look at her and be overcome with treachery, as she holds a mask in her hand. He asks if he can come in, and he's clearly in a state, so she lets him in. Girl, Nate Archibald is a quiet storm about to blow. The symptoms are all there. Mistake!
Later, Serena's doing the time warp again, talking about how maybe it's from when their parents did their time-traveling hipness shtick and managed to do a bunch of coke "in the '90s, at Limelight or the Tunnel." I'm not going to pretend I can speak authoritatively about any of this, frankly, but: fishy, right? She then offers one of those truths we generally get from this show once a week, which boils down to the fact that -- for most but not all people in the 1975-1995 generational cohorts -- our parents do more drugs than we do. Or used to, at least. And when they did, they did worse drugs than we do, because that was before the invention of science and they didn't know better. "It's not old, and it makes total sense," N clarifies, because of the money problems. "I just...wish he'd be honest with me. It's like he and my mom...made some secret pact to act like robots." Which is very John Hughes-ian, and quite pithy, but the correct response is, "So did we, and you are the king of the robots." Instead, Serena says it's not a secret, and all parents have signed this pact. He then talks about the cat in the cradle of abandonment and loneliness in his dark night of the silver spoon or whatever, and she's sympathetic and awesome ("Your dad's just scared! I had a pretend drug addiction during Ivy Week but it worked out! Don't give up!") to a point. That point being, when he grabs onto her hand like he's drowning, and then squeezes it like he's about to have sex with her. So she throws his ass out, but he flips back to actual sincerity: "Chuck just wanted a bump, and Blair's phone was turned off, so it, um, really means a lot..." So, so funny. She tosses him out of there and he acts weird and lonely some more. I really do think Nate is about to go bugshit insane, now that I think about it. Lord, I hope so. It did wonders for him, back when his name was Marissa Cooper.
V comes walking right the fuck into the Humphrey household once again, looking for Dan, and surprises Rufus. "A Humphrey man in a sports coat? I'd normally ask if you had a date, but..." He fills in the blank about why would he be dating when his wife is in Hudson. "Yeah. What's up with Alison? Dan says she's still upstate. I thought that was just for the summer." Rufus admits that her husband actually thought that too. "Okay, we'll circle back to that. One issue at a time." Which is where I think the problem starts, because what we need right now is actual awesomeness, but this is fake Telling Not Showing awesomeness. Like Lexie Grey that time, where the entire cast actually put on top hats and stared out at you through the screen of the television and shrieked, "Awesome! You love her! She is great!" instead of...making her awesome. And I feel manipulated the same way by these "Vanessa rolls up her shirtsleeves and awesomes on the Humphreys one by one" scenes, because technically, yes, but that's all there is to her. Just the bones of awesome without the skin and connective tissue of mattering.
Like this: Rufus is looking for his keys, and Vanessa finds them, but first she cutely gets all impertinent about "Just use Dan's window!" Like, I guess if I found that cute in the first place, it would be a funny callback, but mostly it made me feel unsafe in my own home, so like, stop trying so goddamned hard. They awkwardly segue into talk about how she broke Dan's heart before, but then after a year in her absence, he somehow managed to pull himself together and become a fully-functioning tenth-grader again. Which...let's say teenage boys holding onto one true love for years is not the norm. It's a nice idea, and it's one that teenage boys often have about themselves, but it's unrealistic. Maybe if Dan's gay, I can see him holding a torch for some girl for a year without her around to interrupt his ADD, but that's the only way. And the jury's still out on that, so I'm calling bullshit just in case. Vanessa determines to tell Dan that she came back in part because she missed him, and that's she's going to drop this massive thunderclap of truth on him tonight: "Before or after the movie, I'm not sure yet. You know, I gotta pick my moment. It's kind of a big deal." Only if you're Dan, or a female version of Dan, sweetie. Even Rufus is like, "Bored. Where's my keys?" And there they are, and...oh, Rufus. Dice on the key ring. Jesus wept, you sweet stupid old cliché. They wish each other luck, and Vanessa asks if he's dressed up for a party date with a friend. "I wouldn't exactly call her that..." And he winks. It's funny in lots of ways, because Lily is abusive and patronizing toward him constantly, but they're also kind of friends, and they're kind of in love with each other, and they're kind of obviously going to hook up, sooner rather than later, so she's not exactly his friend, no. Just the only romantic relationship on this show with more than a tablespoon of chemistry.
Dan calls Vanessa, and is worryingly unconcerned that this person is sitting around his house with nobody else home. I mean, I get that they have this deep relationship and whatever, but they are operating within Blair/Serena levels of weirdness today -- which I remind you is the day she came back without calling or anything, just breaking in and eating all the food in the house and sitting there being chipper -- so, like, take just a moment, okay? Maybe this is all on purpose and we're supposed to just realize that she's trying too hard and pushing too hard in every way, but I don't honestly think that's how the show feels about this. Which makes her more of a plot device than she really deserves. Anyway, Dan's got tux in hand and she shoved herself into his life without asking for the second time today, so now he has to tell a bunch more lies. This time it's that he's writing an American History paper and feels terrible about it -- but meanwhile she's spotted Jenny, still sad about missing out on the Ball, and goes off to bother her instead. Which, I'm sure at the end of the episode it will be like, "Seth Cohen, you must be less selfish in life," except...all of this, both times he lied in this episode, are Vanessa's fault, because she is a rude girl.
There is a belly-dancer going wild and crazy as Rufus and Lily disembark from the elevator and into the House of Waldorf. Lily explains the nature of this "favor" she's doing Rufus as his coming out: "When was the last time you had access to the top people in music and art? Introduce yourself! Revitalize your flagging career! Put that sad little gallery on the cultural radar!" He asks since when she was the "patron saint of former rock stars," and of course she points out he was never really a star, then twists the knife in a surprisingly new direction: "Really. Alison would have a fit if she knew you were accompanying me to this party, even if it was for your benefit." He gets very frowny-face about Alison, and Lily guides him to Eleanor for some air-kisses and some fairly awesome horndog faces from Eleanor, who seems to realize how hot Rufus is in ten-second intervals for the rest of the episode, in addition to giggling and generally acting like a Banger Sister on her best behavior. Bart and Caridee show up, and Rufus figures out about Lily's affair with him, and his own use as cougar-bait to make Bart jealous, and then everybody stares at everybody else and feels weird, but also like they have no idea who they'll end up in bed with. This really is just like Tangiers.
Vanessa explains "awesome"-ly to Jenny that "Handmaiden is Jane Austen for slave," because the last thing Vanessa would ever understand is trading your precious unique snowflake wonderfulness in order to actually exist in the world, because God forbid Jenny make decisions for herself that don't fit inside the box of Vanessa's self-imposed, entirely sour-grapes response to socialization cues. "Non-conform, damn it!" Jenny points out rationally that A) she's not invited to the ball, B) Blair was open and honest about that at every possible point, C) there's no dress, D) there's no invite, and E) Blair told her not to come, so it's kind of bitchy for her to go. Vanessa is like, "None of that matters, you should go to this dance because it's totally nonconformist somehow, and nobody should ever stand in our way as women, and have you ever heard of a little thing called the Roller Derby," and it's just appalling, and like a Bastard Fairy Godmother from stupid Vermont, Vanessa gets Jenny into that party. Jenny's like, "Thanks, Vanessa! Hope this doesn't go horribly wrong and we all learn something about each other!"
Dancing, masks, craziness, Chuck is scary, Blair is gorgeous, Nate puts on a mask and has some emotions, Serena puts on a mask that would not fool a blind person: this show is totally awesome. "On the Upper East Side, appearances are often deceiving. From friends to hair color, there's always more than meets the eye." Thanks, GG. The only thing that would make this show better is if there were group dancing. It's kind of like a promise that they made with the Fergie thing, and then never went there again. Like, wouldn't you realize you were seeing something special if the entire cast suddenly pulled a Chenowith and started some insane Jane Austen-y dance routine? Like, fifty people or a hundred people on that dance floor, whirling. I don't think anybody would be upset by that. "Heightened reality! Right here in front of you!" we could say. Or even just a regular She's All That kind of dance routine, with those masks and gowns? Wouldn't that make this the best show, like, ever? Why this missing awesomeness?
Dan snags a mask from some very friendly drunk dude who's coming out of the party, and then takes on his identity and heads inside. Round the back, Vanessa and Jenny have a whole additional conversation about how Vanessa is better than all of this. I guess it's "pretentious," Vanessa. I guess you've got it all figured out. Bless your heart. She trades Jenny's (admittedly ugly) purse for an elegant fan, and disappears back into her Fairy Godbottle, or to drink ironic beers under bridges with the homeless, or whatever it is that pointless scenesters are doing these days, injecting absinthe into her eyeballs and measuring how skinny her boyfriend's jeans are. Jenny, meanwhile, is radiant. She just geeks on in there and tries desperately to be sultry. The music is awesome -- it's like a heist. She even turns around on her heel, like, so in love is she with the rich pageantry. B's there, wearing all black, with a handheld domino, sending her ladies off to do her bidding while N watches sadly from across the room and Serena dances with Edward Abbott. Jenny wanders at random, I guess trying to get caught, and Dan immediately spots Serena, obviously, because her mask is like this idea that a mask had one time but then didn't follow through. Edward Abbott is wearing this pirate costume and a giant goofy grin, so you know he's a tool, but Serena's having fun, because it's Serena: girl likes to have fun. "What was it we said about appearances? Yes, they can be deceiving." Less is more, GG. "But most of the time, what you see is what you get." I'm "seeing" a lot of big talk and no dancing, Gossip Girl. What I'm getting is a party, and let's see, that's the...sixth party we've seen, and they all look just like this. That's what I'm getting.
V wanders around with no mask, too in love with her superiority to realize how that kind of ruins everybody else's fun, and taps some random dude -- she accidentally got Jenny's house keys when she took away her purse. V finally puts on a mask after brushing some dude aside, and then makes a variety of snotty bored faces so everybody knows how much she hates their stupid party. I bet Vanessa eats everything with chopsticks. Over where there's actually fun to be had, Blair and Chuck watch Nate desperately to sort out the three or four things actually happening inside his head, to no effect. Chuck's all, "If I were your man, I wouldn't need clues to find you," and I'm pretty sure Blair thinks Chuck is gay too: "Or to ravish me, I'm sure." His gaze immediately falls upon Little Jenny Humphrey, who is wearing a dress not unlike the one Serena's wearing, thanks to Vanessa, and is like, "Who is that hot tweener?" "Probably some bitch from Chapin," Blair bites back, which made me laugh, but not as much as his immediate rejoinder: "Hot bitch from Chapin." Can I get a what-what for the hot bitches at Chapin? Yeah. Blair tries to get Chuck to do what the ladies can't seem to do with Nate, if you know what I mean, and I think that you do. No, not have hot gay sex! Deliver the clue. First, though, because it's Chuck: some rape. He's wearing a red cape and a devil mask, of course, and he looks amazing. He flirts; Jenny flirts back, in such a way that we know she's winging it and pretty nervous and PTSD-ish, but he has no idea. It's a good job, acting-wise. She thinks for a second, and then tells him they should skip the dancing and head right for the part with the raping. He's like, "I'll get the champagne!"
The Captain and Eleanor drone on and on with the Captain's wife sitting there, bored as hell, talking about the whole IPO and everything. Nate's mom finally changes the subject -- and Eleanor's hilariously grateful -- to their children's arranged marriage, impressing Mother Waldorf with mention of her own great-grandmother's engagement ring, a gift from Cornelius Vanderbilt. Across the room, Lily's spying on Bart Bass, but explaining to Rufus that it's not "spying" so much as "keeping track of his whereabouts." Rufus turns this into the most awkward-awesome excuse to kiss a person I've ever seen: "If you really want to make a man jealous, there's only one thing to do." She starts to make fun of him for pretending to know romance, and then he...totally kisses her. Nice! The music goes away for a second, and Bart gets sad over there with yucky Caridee, and Eleanor is like, "Oh girl!" and just about raises the roof in appreciation, and Lily chuckles weirdly, and then they both start drinking as much as they can.
Edward Abbott tells some story that's too boring to talk about, but he does namedrop never summering in Newport again, which is funny. Dan tries to get in there, and Serena's very pissy that she doesn't need rescuing from her horrible talkative toolish date, and they get all angsty with each other. Meanwhile, Kati and Isabel finally show up and beat Nate about the head and shoulders with how Serena has the final clue, so thanks for ruining the whole game, and go fuck your girlfriend already. It's so sad how she planned this baroque, weird, triumphant thing, with rhyming clues and masks and secret handmaidens and everything, and he spent the whole time staring through a pot fog at Serena van der Woodsen, but that's Blair's whole life. Her fault for hoping. Meanwhile, Vanessa is still alive out there somewhere. Is that justice? The only thing Nate seems to process from the Kati/Isabel onslaught is the name "Serena," and stumbles off, so...here we go.
Chuck sneaks up on J all, "Boo..." But she's got an awesome plan in mind. Kind of the opposite of Blair's game with Nate: hide and seek, with Chuck leaving a trail of clothes up to the roof. I may not really enjoy looking at his face from certain angles, but I'm not going to say that this game has only bad points. I can see the potential here. Jenny is totally grossed out, and he gays the hell out of his jacket and drops it, and then prances out a side door. She just takes a deep breath and decides to actually go through with her awesome plan.
Elsewhere, somebody has the nerve to say hello to Vanessa, actually has the audacity to be friendly toward her, so she barfs and puts her mask on and stomps around in boots made for kicking and writes a fucking poem about it.
"What are you really doing here, Dan?" S asks, because the last time they talked, he was being a gigantic liar. "What am I doing here? I ran across the city. I rented a tuxedo. I stole this mask from some drunken kid only to look like Robin... I conned my way in here, all to see you. I care." Like when he told the lying lie? He lies about the lie, then truths about the lie, then lies that he can explain, then truths about Vanessa, then lies about lying and saying it was Jenny, then truths that the relationship is complicated with Vanessa. "Or it was, before I met you. And honestly, I didn't want anything to get in the way of you inviting me to this...stupid party." Aww. She admits, sadly, that she really was going to ask him, and he's overjoyed. They agree that they're not really into their pseudo-dates, and he takes off his mask and kisses her. "Oh, yes, the other part we love about a masquerade? When the mask finally comes off and the truth is revealed to all." Yeah, Gossip Girl. I really didn't see that one coming. And just off to the side, similarly blindsided? Vanessa Abrams. Looking even more upset and grossed out than she did earlier, when she barged uninvited into a party and then was rude to everyone there.
Dan's like, "Hold that thought, I have to go get railed and bitched at by Vanessa, who shoehorned me into an impossible position and was incredibly pushy, and now is angry that I didn't immediately clear my schedule for her rude ass." Serena is cool with that. He asks what the hell Vanessa's doing there, and she's all, "I'm writing an American History paper... Oh, wait. That was supposed to be you." Snotty beast. "When did we start lying to each other?" Um, right around the time you got aggressive and weird? You out-Danned Dan. The King Of All Danship got Dan'd, and he didn't know how to get out from under it. We know how you feel. After a babbling dry run at explanation, he explains: "...What was I going to say? That I was renting a tuxedo to attend a masked ball without a mask, or an invitation, to go get a girl who not only has a mask and an invitation, but another date?" Actually, that's exactly what you should have said. Vanessa would understand that. Vanessa would be like, "Why didn't you just break into her house?"
Vanessa says that at least the truth would be honest, but then S watches as Dan admits that Vanessa's too-cool-for-school propaganda still carries some weight with his stupid ass, because he was embarrassed to tell Vanessa all of that because she disapproves of...masked balls. Proving that Vanessa is a halfwit, but also: Do not apologize for your life! They never listen! (They are in the TV!) So Dan's like, "So...you followed me here to prove I was lying?" Which is lame and true, but not as lame or true as the thing she says , in a sarcastic tone that totally underscores how lame and true it actually is: "Yes, Dan, that's why I'm here. I stalked you because I am just so obsessed with you. Wait. Don't stop there. You're the whole reason I came back to New York, 'cause I just couldn't stop thinking about you." Which, okay, I'm wishy-washy, because that kind of hurt my heart a little bit for the jerk, because that's exactly what she wanted to say at the beginning of the night. And it's a no-takebacks kind of thing to say, but now she has said it meanly and hatefully, so she can't ever say it again for real, so she kind of just Vanessa'd herself pretty impressively, and that's sad for her, because no matter what happens, the true thing is off the table forever. So the lesson is, never say anything honest to the people you're dating, because they will screw you with it later. At least, that is what I take away from this scene.
Dan tells her to lay off the sarcasm, instead of falling into her arms and being like, "I knew it!" So she has to keep the mask on and pretend to be angry, instead of crying and putting her arms around him and telling him it was all true, over and over. Which would have been nice for her. So now she's been Dan'd and Vanessa'd, and she takes off, because that is now literally her only option. He follows, and apologizes for the lie, and she busts the mask wide open: "You said you love me." Ouch. See? Too much. The thing about running around in boots made for stomping and being too authentic for your surroundings is that you sometimes say true stuff that you didn't need to say, ask for stuff you shouldn't be asking for, and then you get the answer you came for: "Loved you. In the past. And in a pre-shaving, 16-year-old kind of way. You know? I mean, things have changed." Serena's standing behind him now, watching everything go to hell as usual, with the whole world happening around her and her giant feet stomping everything and everybody without even trying. Vanessa nods at her: "Clearly. Looks like someone's traded up." Her voice breaks pretty brutally. She takes off and Serena's like, "So...that's Vanessa. She's beautiful. That makes me nervous and weird, because apparently she has feelings, and I am not acquainted with feelings to the degree that she's into having feelings, so I'm not sure where I stand at this point." He's like, "Can you hold on one more time so I can chase her down one more time and she can act psychotic one more time?" Yeah, all night we can do that. Eventually reaching Brooklyn at ten-yard intervals, we can do that.
Chuck stands in shorts and undershirt behind a pillar, and it's pretty dark out there, and the scene's pretty short, but there you have it: Chuck naked on the roof, pretty horny but about to feel pretty stupid. Then horny again, because it's Chuck. "Feel free to find me," he prances some more, and Jenny's like, "Found your pants, bitch!" and takes off. With his phone, which is in his pants. So now he's naked on the roof and stuck for good. Which, considering what happened between them before, I'm willing to say Jenny got her revenge after all.
Down on the street, far far away from naked horny Chuck, Dan is grabbing random ladies and apologizing to them, but they are not Vanessa. Which is ironic both because, as Dan points out, it's mistaken identity time and nobody's even wearing masks at this point, but also because Vanessa The Individual is indistinguishable from any other scene-making hipster in the entire city.
Rufus gets a drink. Lily is a study in insouciance. You can tell how long it takes him to mosey over there by the fact that my notes literally said, "Lily is a study in insouciance." He sits down with her and pronounces the feelings arising from their kiss "nostalgic"; Lily opts for "nauseous" instead, because she's awesome. "No, I'm kidding. Kind of?" She apologizes for using him as bait, and he apologizes for kissing her, but points out that Bart is like the third hottest dad on the show; like, he's kind of not even in the running. "That mercenary in the starched white shirt, he doesn't appreciate everything you have over an attractive 25-year-old mannequin. 'Cause beauty fades, though yours has done a remarkable job of holding on, and in the long run, it's gonna be his loss." (So to review, "You're an old whore, but at least you have not yet died." Lily's indulgent smile says, "I'm working with you here and I realize these are the Humphrey version of compliments.") "...And I thought he should know how it feels to lose you. 'Cause trust me, it's not fun." Aww, see, those Humphrey man always pull it out for you at the last second. They fuck it up and fuck it up and then: magic. There's a very long, very romantic look, and then she rolls her eyes toward Bart: "I think it worked." Bart is staring like somebody with a staring problem. She takes off with him, not entirely feeling it, and Rufus Dans a little bit to himself: "Happy to help." He watches them reconcile for a bit, then takes off, and Lily watches him go.
Nate follows Serena now that Dan's gone, but stops up short as she sets down her champagne and heads into the ladies', where Jenny is tossing Chuck's clothes into the garbage. Heck yeah. Serena's happy to see her, and J reminds S that she was never there. "Just one in a series of things I'll pretend didn't happen tonight," Serena grouses, and admits to the concerned Jenny that Dan showed up. "Well, go Dan!" Jenny grins adorably, and Serena's in agreement on the continued taming of Dan to act like a person, "Except then he threw me for a loop by chasing after some girl named Vanessa." Jenny calls her "V" and says that they're just best friends. Serena's like, "No, it's more than that. History, right?" Jenny looks down, and admits that there's history, but quickly brightens: "But I mean, Dan's never liked a girl like he likes you. Really. I mean, come on: he's at a masked ball, and I think he'd go basically anywhere with you. Except for maybe the Icecapades, 'cause that really freaked him out when he was five." Serena nods and decides to go find him -- except her mask keeps slipping. Jenny offers her the mask she's wearing, but points out that Cinderella can't get found out at midnight when the masks come off. They trade, and Serena gives Jenny her coat for some babbling reason that doesn't even make sense, because the real reason is so Nate will think Jenny is Serena in about five seconds, obviously. Serena's last question, of course, is whether Jenny had fun tonight, and of course Jenny had fun, to the degree that she looks like she's on acid when she says so.
Into the music, where N immediately grabs Jenny, having missed the Serena-shaped Serena nearby. "Serena, just don't say anything and let me explain." Jenny takes this moment to piss herself. "I've been trying to do the right thing, but it's killing me. Look, I know we both care about Blair, but maybe the best thing is for me to just tell her the truth. I'm not over you, and I thought I could fight it, but I can't." B's bullshit sensor goes off and she heads in Nate's direction automatically. "...And if you don't stop me, I'm gonna kiss you." Now, far be it from me, but Nate Archibald says he's gonna kiss you, I say stand still for a second, see what happens. So she does, and runs off, and Serena comes up and she's like, "Nate! It's nearly midnight! Go find your fucking girlfriend! The whole stupid night was about you doing this one simple task, which she created knowing that you have cognitive difficulties, and what, you're hanging around the women's bathroom like Chuck." She starts to give him the clue, and finally she's like, "Fuck it. Big tall boots and a big old crown." She shoves him in a direction and he walks in it like a zombie.
Jenny goes running past, and Blair thinks it's Serena, but accidentally snags the bracelet as she's going past, so she realizes Jenny has crashed her party. Damn, Little J's gonna pay for this one. Then Blair sees Nate blundering around, and looks at him all grossed out. Meanwhile, Jenny's still shooting like a bullet through the place, so at midnight while the masks are coming off, she shoves past Dan as well, but he doesn't get the clueful bracelet telling him who it really was, so now he thinks he's in the doghouse even though he's actually not. He flicks his mask into the crowd and prepares to meet any one of his several dooms.
Chuck's got the bracelet in his hands as he leaves the party with Blair and Nate, kind of impressed with how "Little Jenny Humphrey" managed to get his pants off without him enjoying it. B takes the bracelet back -- it's so funny how, in a masquerade episode that took place at the party almost the whole time, all of the actual mask/confusion stuff happened in the last act -- and notes that Chuck apparently had sex with a man for his replacement tux. Nate and Chuck both look down guiltily at this suggestion. Nate heads into Blair's car, and she turns him right out: "Uh-uh, no. You didn't find me by midnight, no happily ever after for you." Still stoned, he tries to apologize, and she's like, "All I wanted was for us to start over, and you didn't even try." She makes with the puppy-dog eyes and takes off, and then Nate and Chuck watch Edward Abbott mack on Kati and Isabel for awhile before heading off down the street.
Serena calls Dan, begging for him to just talk to her: "Why did you run away from me?" She's standing about ten yards behind him as they have this whole conversation where they figure out the mistaken-identity thing that just happened at the end of the episode, and finally he tells her that he only likes her, and she only likes him, and when she invites him to the Icecapades, he doesn't even stop to think, he just says yes.
Nate comes home to finally sleep at his house for the first time, besides yesterday, since school started. Eleanor is letting the Captain take Waldorf public, which is good news of course. The bad news is that while they were looking for a bottle opener to celebrate, they found Nate's coke. Which is not his, of course, and the Captain looks bummed and stoic in the corner, and then the mom starts yelling, and Nate's dad pretty much sells him out completely. For at least the second time.
Little J and Dan meet up back at home and talk about how they both ended up going to the ball they weren't invited to, and speaking of uninvited guests, guess who's sitting on Dan's bed? Jenny's like, "'Night." Vanessa offers him pirogues, they mutually apologize for being such horrible people, and then get started on the long, strange trip of pretending to be friends. Just like everybody else on this show.