The Other Grace

S04E08

Captain Laura Hellinger's first case is, of course, opposing L/G. Specifically, a murder-for-hire black widow situation who, if Will pulls it off, could get the firm completely out of bankruptcy. So when the judge in the case -- a massively watchable, mind-blowingly effective Judd Hirsch -- lets on drunkenly out of court that he doesn't trust Will and that he's already decided she's guilty, the firm has to decide whether or not to alienate him by asking for a recusal. When the extremely intransigent judge pushes Alicia to asking for a full hearing on his bias, however, the whole thing threatens to blow up in their face. The judge on that one is one of the guys from the Blue Ribbon Panel, so he comes with Alicia issues to start with. Dicking with judges is really becoming a L/G tradition.

After some serious dirty doings -- going so far as to infiltrate the guy's clerk and even his AA meeting, which gross me out; Will also sleeps with a cute new young lawyer -- L/G pulls off a win and gets the original case reassigned. Thanks to this second trial-within-the-trial, Laura realizes the ousted judge has given her the clue that will lead to a win, damning L/G but making her bones in the real world. Looks like Alicia's mentee has at least one more week in her before Alicia has to take her down... And goodness knows how long it'll be before Diane finally gets to toss Nathan Lane out a window.

Kalinda's voice once again betrays her on the phone with Alicia, and a miscommunication down the line leads to Nick sending one of his thugs to beat up Cary Agos of all people. As "Beating up Cary" seems to be the theme for November, one wonders where that's all leading, but it's a dreadfully ugly and ironic turn of events. Hopefully at the least it means Alicia will run to Kalinda's side and get Nick out of here before the Xmas break, but who knows.

Zach has been secretly running the Florrick Campaign's IT department, but once he discovers he's been using Alicia's kids without her permission, Eli tries to turn this into another round of "Your Cute Kids vs. Kresteva's Cancer Kid," much to Alicia's chagrin. In the end, she thinks about letting Zach go back, which should make Eli easier to take moving forward.

But the really interesting child this week -- and trust me, it's weird to admit -- is Grace. What begins as a study in hybristophilia after a schoolmate named Grace kills herself turns into an unlikely/dangerous friendship once Grace's romantic obsession with the girl's bad-boy ex pulls him into her orbit. There's nothing too plotty about the way they come to understand each other, but it's actually quite a joy to watch, and bodes excitingly for the future as Hayward and Kresteva's forces converge on our little family.

Week: Alicia's mom, Stockard Channing, joins Brother Owen (!) and I'm guessing Jackie and Fabulous Cristian for Thanksgiving. Or is it Halloween, given the immediate bond Mom seemingly forms with David Lee, of all people? I guess we'll finally find out just how gay he really is. Unless that is a thing I made up four years ago and it's not actually a question, which maybe is what happened.

PREVIOUSLY

Nick Savarese comes and goes, but is working up a real head of jealousy about whoever it is at work that Kalinda loves so much. Alicia is staying strong on not letting the kids be involved in Peter's campaign, which chaps Eli's hide continually thanks to Kresteva's Cancer Kid. And bright new guest star Captain Laura Hellinger, with Alicia's help, has left the military and joined Peter's office as a new Assistant State's Attorney. Oh, and Nathan Lane is beginning to drive Diane Lockhart basically out of her mind, the little badger.

GRACE

Like any teen, you know, she just loves her social media. Skypin' her IMs, YouTurbing viruses and whatnot. Chummin' Hums. Teen stuff. With all her friends she apparently has now.

Sisterwife: "GRACE RU OK?"
Grace: "YEAH Y"
Sisterwife: "SOMEBODY SAYS U DED"

Quick videoconference later, the story comes out -- Grace and her Sisterwife buddy are joined by two other nerds -- that another Grace at their school killed herself last night. Her black friend Sarah says "liberry" at one point, which I don't even know what to do with that. The death deets are vague, seems the boyfriend broke up with her the day before Prom and she used her Prom hotel room (they say, with the hushed nerd voices of those who will never know Prom) for the deed. The camera closes in, closes in on Grace as she slowly determines that this will be about her.

Somehow, by God, she will make this all about her.

PILATES MURDER TRIAL

Captain Laura Hellinger's first civilian case as an ASA is, of course, with Will Gardner on opposing counsel. Alicia's not quite in the courtroom yet, but you can feel her coming. The facts of the case -- Judge Judd Hirsch presiding, in one of the best judge performances we have ever seen, the guy's fucking magnetic -- are that a rich lady with a prenup got her Pilates instructor to shoot her husband so they could get around the legalities and split the money. And also they are in love, of course.

The proceedings are dicey and thrilling, but hard to replicate: Basically, Will holds Laura under fire in what the judge calls "new ASA hazing" and she stumbles and mumbles and makes you feel bad for her. The more they make us love Laura, though, the more I get scared she's going to pull off her face-mask to reveal something evil. Or at least some kind of Caitlin-type thing that causes Alicia to act awful and then feel doubly bad later.

By Jacob Clifton

Robocall: "Dear Alicia. Something awful happened at Grace's school. You are never going to hear the end of it. Love, your kid's principal."

Hellinger: "So your boy's ridin' my ass, huh?"
Alicia: "Advance. Never retreat. Stick with it, you're doing fine."
Hellinger: "Thanks, Alicia! I hope I ruin your firm."
Alicia: "Me too, sweetie."
Grace: "Mom? Something happened that is all about me."

SCHOOL

Grace: "...We're all wearing yellow, it was her favorite color. Anyway, death."
Alicia: "Okay, well. As long as you're being super dramatic about it, I won't worry."
Grace: "Probably wise. I mean, it's not like I cared about that girl at all."

Nerds: "Oh my God, and her boyfriend even showed up to school. I heard he changed his status to Single like, the second she was pronounced dead. He's super poor, I heard. But oh my God, did you ever notice how cute he is?"
Team Edward: (Shakes his hair like a bad boy, sending shivers all through them.)
Grace: "No. But what I do know is, I am not a lesbian after all. That much just became clear."

PILATES TRIAL

After that single encouraging comment from Alicia, of course, Laura turns that mother around and Bad News Bears herself into the judge's good graces. Watching Peet rock the "oh my goodness, I have found my rhythm and now I'm pounding the Head of L/G Litigation" joy on Laura's face is, of course, the highlight. These little Baby Alicias come into the world with so little, you know. Even Will -- and as we'll learn, this case could singly all by itself save us from Nathan Lane, so a lot is on the line -- is impressed slash finds her adorable.

Will: "Nice work, lady."
Laura: "Thanks!"
Will: "Didn't we... Represent you? In your huge rape thing? Five minutes ago?"
Laura: "Thanks for that too, bro!"

FERN BAR

Will: "Ah, Kalinda. All you do is drink at this one bar."
Kalinda: "It's kind of how my job works."
Will: "Your head hasn't really been in the game this season, huh?"
Kalinda: "I have like one million personal problems. That's been clear since Day One."
Will: "Oh shit! It's Judd Hirsch. I have to..."
Kalinda: "Don't do your Will Gardner shit to him. Listen to the psychic powers of Kalinda Sharma..."
Will: "I think I'm just gonna crash and burn, thanks."

By Jacob Clifton

Judge Judd is sitting with a pretty young lady, Giada, who happens to know Will from DePaul U. There's a cute "dirty dog" undercurrent to her dealings with Will, how he pretends/actually thinks she was the one that stopped calling him and not the other way around. You know the tale. But Judd's none too happy about that -- clearly in fact thinks he's working some angles with this hopeful young attorney -- and before you know it he's turned his jockish professional ribbing into something much darker.

Hirsch: "Will Gardner? Stay away from him, that guy is the worst!"
Giada: "Haha, right? He's a real bad boy, I'm sure is what you mean."
Hirsch: "I'll say. Disbarred kind of bad boy! Corrupt, liar, bribes judges, steals..."
Will: "Uh, whoa. What?"
Hirsch: "No big deal, kiddo. Just saying that if it were up to me you'd never practice law again in this town. And also you are stupid and ugly. And also, you will never win this case. Your client is an ice-cold bitch who murdered her husband. Actus Reus! I can only assume you wanted a bench trial because a jury would see what stupid bitches y'all are..."
Will: "Are you hearing yourself right now?"
Hirsch: "Nar nou nearing nourself nightnerrrr? Fuckin' jerk."
Will: "Wow, okay. Nice catching up -- and you, Judd Hirsch, are a beautiful force of nature -- but I gotta go freak the hell out now."

L/G

Diane: "...For real? That is mighty fucked up."
Will: "I know, right? Like he actually said that shit."
Diane: "Well. As a woman making it in a man's world, I often..."
Will: "You're gonna say he was just drunk. And I'm gonna say, that just means what he said goes double. That's how drunk works."
Diane: "So what, recusal? You'll turn him against you. We'll have all the judges in Chicago up our asses. Again!"
Will: "Yeah, but when we win the case Nathan Lane will go away. Freedom and the 27th floor. Come on. That's where we keep our magical rainbow gold."

Diane: "You've convinced me. Go sacrifice yourself to this douche's ego. But have Cary make the actual motion."
Will: "Or how about Alicia?"
Diane: "Don't make me tell you again."
Will: "No, it's not your new Cary kick you're on. I think that Hirsch just likes the ladies. Slash hates them, like those guys always do."
Diane: "Fine, but do it in chambers and be nice when you ask him to recuse himself."
Will: "And if he says no?"
(Random Car Horn Outside: "Tiiiiiiiits!")

By Jacob Clifton

PILATES TRIAL

Laura: "So wait, now you're first chair?"
Alicia: "It ain't gonna be like that, sistagirl. I am going to blow everything up."
Laura: "I like this! I like doing law with you, even on opposing sides."
Alicia: "I know! That's why I sent you to my husband like a present."

Alicia: "Your Honor, can we talk in chambers about a certain thing?"
Hirsch: "NO! DO IT HERE!"
Alicia: "Um, okay? I tried. Your Honor, we'd like you to recuse yourself."
Hirsch: "No. And how come."
Alicia: "Because you were a dick at a bar last night. You demonstrated bias against the defense and our client. You made untrue statements about Mr. Gardner, and stated openly that your judgment would automatically be for Hellinger."
Hirsch: "Boo hoo. Maybe I did, so what?"

Everybody stares at Alicia, because they think she's still St. Alicia and will fall down weeping at this callous treatment. They don't know about her new stance on giving a fuck.

Alicia: "Fine, then some other thing -- a Motion to Substitute -- where we have a separate hearing about whether or not you're even allowed to be a judge on this."
Hirsch: "What? That is like the most nuclear thing you could do. I will ruin you."
Alicia: "And yet."
Hirsch: "You can't do that in my courtroom?"
Alicia: "I just did, Your Honor. Now get the fuck off that bench."

...And he does! Everybody stares. It is amazing. Alicia looks like she needs some wine, though. Even Will is like, "Well, we're all fucked for eternity now. But that was super awesome."

FLORRICK GUBERNATORIAL CAMPAIGN

One hot redhead explains to Eli Gold that another hot redhead has gotten their IT department so in line -- lots of technobabble here -- that... I don't know, but it's very good. She tells the second hot redhead that she's been hired, and she in turn asks her team to stay late. But one of them, a young man named Jay, will not be staying late. He mumbles and leaves, despite being great at his job and one of her star players.

You know what about Jay though, is that he is Zach Florrick. I knew he would somehow be white-hat hacking the campaign, didn't I say? I'm just happy to see him. Hi, Zach! Hi, Jay I mean! Your sister is a mess, Jay! Don't let her go out with that Bad-News Johnny, Jay! He changes his relationship status too fast!

By Jacob Clifton

HON PETER DUNAWAY, PRESIDING

Alicia: "Oh, shit."
Diane: "Catch me up. I apparently haven't been watching this show long enough to know that when you see Judge Dunaway, things are about to get awful."
Alicia: "Not awful exactly. He's the one that doesn't like being interrupted, and he was pretty cool this one time he accidentally friended a jury member on Facebook, which was kind of embarrassing for everybody. But then he was on the Blue Ribbon Panel, and he was a real piece that time."
Dunaway: "Oh, fuckin' great. Alicia Florrick."
Alicia: "Your Honor."

Before he can even get through the basics of this hearing about Hirsch's bias, Hirsch wanders in looking drunk or crazy. So that's fun.

SCHOOL

Grace: "Hey, any monsters or teen killers in this shrubbery that wanna make out?"
Team Edward: "Just me. Alone and unloved. Getting' stoned."
Grace: "My name's also Grace. So there's that."
Team Edward: "The ruder and weirder I get, the more you're gonna wanna hit this."
Grace: "Yeah, you're off to a good start on that."
Team Edward: "So your dad was that politician that got caught with a hooker?"
Grace: "Yeah, just like that."

All of a sudden, they are discovered! Team Edward and his bad-boy earring grab her by the hand and rush her through the shrubbery, just like at the beginning of The Silver Chair with Eustace Scrubb. Only instead of Narnia, Grace falls into: Total butt-crazy first love. Attagirl.

L/G

What could be more beautiful than Cary Agos's million-watt smile? Why, the fact that Kalinda Sharma is causing it. They get into a phone-cord tangle while negotiating that tiny shared office, and it's lovely. For exactly the two seconds before you realize Nick Effing Savarese is watching the whole thing, and will probably be drinking mean Perrier at Cary -- if not actually beating him up -- this episode. Just don't touch the face, Nick. I feel like we've discussed this before.

By Jacob Clifton

Cary: "So your failed towtruck business. I guess if you want to go after those other guys on fraud, we can do that. The thing is, though, you are more corrupt than they are, or anybody is, or ever has been. So that's tricky."
Nick: "Stop smiling at Kalinda all over the fucking place and fix it."
Cary: "I can do both. Now, as to your backstory. You were in Canadian jail, which is basically just like a Cracker Barrel with wi-fi from what I understand, for two years?"
Nick: "Yeah, intent to sell cocaine."
Cary: "And so do you still sell coke now?"
Nick: "How insulting! Listen, are you gay?"
Cary: "Uh, what? I mean, I get that a lot, although admittedly without the mean, deadly staring. Are you going to gay-bash me for being pretty or... Oh, man. Is this how British people have sex? Are we having sex right now?"
Nick: "No, but ask me later when I'm beating you up because I really have no idea how all that works. Do you like ice cream? I think ice cream might be involved."
Cary: "Let's pick this up tomorrow, li'l guy."

HIRSCH TRIAL-WITHIN-A-TRIAL

Alicia: "Tell me everything mean Hirsch said to you."
Will: "[Does, accurately and honestly.]"
Hirsch: "[Scoffs, like a jackass.]"
Alicia: "Your Honor, if you're going to let your little friend hang out while we talk about what a douche he is, could you at least ask him to chill out on being such a douche?"
Dunaway: "I think he's being fairly awesome about this whol..."
Alicia: "Oh I know what you fuckin' think, Your Honor. Are you going to sustain my objection, or do I need to come up there?"
Everybody: (Suddenly realizes that Alicia doesn't give a fuck, even though this has been going on all season.)
Dunaway: "Hirsch, shut up."
Alicia: "That's what I fuckin' thought."

Laura: "Mr. Gardner, you were not disbarred?"
Will: "Six-month suspension."
Laura: "Well, congratulations!"
Alicia: "Whoa! Objection!"
Laura: "Heh, just clownin'."
Alicia: "I know, I love it."

Laura: "Now, what's the first thing that comes up when you google 'Will Gardner' on ChumHum?"
Will: "A mean joke by the absolutely mesmerizing Neil Gross. You don't know that whole storyline. In fact this whole episode is pretty continuity heavy, in a really subtle way."
Laura: "But so if Judd Hirsch googled you, he might think..."
Will: "The fact that I was arguing against you in his court would probably set him straight on that. I am not actually disbarred, no."
Laura: "But you embezzled from a client, yes?"
Will: "I put it all back!"
Laura: "So can you really say he's wrong in characterizing you as a 'thief' and a 'liar'?"
Diane: "Your Honor, it doesn't matter whether my partner is factually a thief or a liar -- we all know those things are true -- but what they say about Hirsch's mindset."
Will: "Um, thanks?"

Will: "The fact that I was arguing against you in his court would probably set him straight on that. I am not actually disbarred, no."
Laura: "But you embezzled from a client, yes?"
Will: "I put it all back!"
Laura: "So can you really say he's wrong in characterizing you as a 'thief' and a 'liar'?"
Diane: "Your Honor, it doesn't matter whether my partner is factually a thief or a liar -- we all know those things are true -- but what they say about Hirsch's mindset."
Will: "Um, thanks?"

Hirsch sees his opening, and gets Laura to put him on the stand. Part of what makes this intense is that, from Hirsch's privileged "I know the truth" position, he thinks this whole thing is a joke where they're just trying to get a mistrial. Like, he believes that they believe what he believes -- Pilates Lady did it, because women are bitches -- and he believes they believe what he believes: That he's still capable of being fair and impartial despite the fact that every word they're saying is true.

Laura: "Hey, did you call him a thief and a liar and all that stuff?"
Hirsch: "No way!"
Will: "Oh my God, what? You're just lying now?"
Laura: "So why's he saying all this stuff?"
Hirsch: "He didn't like how I kept ruling in your favor, that first day you were such a big girl in court?"
Laura: "That was probably it. Probably that was it, Your Honor. Your Other Honor."

FERN BAR

So we need Giada, who witnessed it. Which honestly, isn't that the first thing you would do? She was the only other person there. That was true before he started openly lying in the hearing. I mean, obviously she was there working on her cronyism and buttering up the old hack, so this could be about to get super gross, but still.

Will: "Just to reiterate, I'm not the one who flaked on you, romantically."
Giada: "Just to reiterate, that's a game you should really play carefully."

They discuss their hard luck -- her family's fortunes have been obliterated -- and then she just pretty much invites him over to have sex with her. I mean, she's talking about ethanol the entire time, but what they are really talking about is sex. I have cracked your grownup code, you guys.

FLORRICK

Eli: "Why don't you read your emails?"
Alicia: "Fuck off, you hysterical little goblin. I just don't read your emails, because I know you'll come crawling out of whatever sewer grate is nearest me if you have to."

Eli: "Okay, well. Check out this video I sent you that you didn't bother looking at."
Alicia: "Wait, a video of a high school? I thought you cut that shit out back when Dreama Walker sold her pilot!"
Eli: "Not me -- the other campaign. Keep watching."
Alicia: "Hold up, that's Grace. The other side's tracking Grace now? To school? That is so gross!"
Eli: "Team Edward is smoking a cigarette while they giggle together, Alicia. Your teenage daughter might as well be pregnant. And can we keep in mind that Kresteva's kid has cancer? You gotta work with me, man."

HOME

Redhead: "Jay, where are you?"
Zach: "Sorry, I just..."
Redhead: "No, dude. It's not about feelings or schoolwork or whatever. I mean the campaign is actually falling apart without your gigantic hacking strength."
Zach: "Maybe I'll call you later. I just feel dumb and I'll get in huge trouble if anybody finds out. Eli, Alicia and maybe other people have expressly forbidden me from working for the campaign."
Redhead: "I would like you to imagine me as your own personal Eli Gold."
Zach: "Then imagine I'm Alicia, hanging up on you."

Alicia, meanwhile: "Grace, I know it's hard for you to have a fucking conversation. It's like pulling teeth even getting basic information out of you. But this is super creepy stuff we're dealing with so I need you to focus."
(One million Grace years later...)
Grace: "I don't smoke and I only have nerdy friends. I'm not doing anything weird. I'm just getting interested in giving handjobs to boys that kill their girlfriends. I don't know why you're always so down on my hobbies. Also, I'm thinking of starting up being a cutter."

No joke, they actually have a long conversation about how Team Edward's girlfriend was a cutter. Out of nowhere. It's so jacked up. I think it's a metaphor for something -- "Maybe it's because it feels good to heal," Grace offers -- but who knows. If you start throwing around the self-cutter thing as a metaphor on this show, name a person that wouldn't get hit by it. You can't.

One thing I've always loved about this show is how often they do it to themselves. Not only because it makes the random acts so much more horribly random, but because of the way that responsibility, acknowledging that responsibility, makes the moral character of the show itself so much stronger. If you could really get down in the feeling of how much of your life you actually do control -- if you knew that half the time you're just a blackout drunk, affecting lives left and right with your own petty shit -- it would be a very bad feeling. It would also be a wonderful feeling.

By Jacob Clifton

When you're low, my definition of grace goes, that's what picks you up again. That little extra bit in the tank that keeps you from just giving up. Not even in a religious way, just in a way where you know sometimes that you are lucky, or that you should have had a bit more faith in yourself. And then, too, there's the other thing. The blackout you, that keeps you from getting too wild or too sure of yourself. Those lucky, random reminders that you are not a self-sustaining animal but something that relies far more than you can admit on the people around you, good and bad.

I don't know that you really have to worry much, beyond reciprocation, about the people who build you up. They're shining what's already there, showing it to you. That's a kind of grace. But the people who hurt you, they're the ones that are the most helpful. I don't mean like Nick, I don't mean like the ones that you know what you're in for, the ones you use to cut yourself. I mean the ones you never saw coming. The hit you never registered, or the comment that cuts so close to the bone, that's so true, you actually have the rare occasion to turn around and look at your life and the shapes you've assumed. Nobody's as useful as the people who hurt you, if you use it right. And that's the grace we don't talk about: The force that picks you up off the floor is also the one that knocks you off your pedestal. And it will keep doing so, your entire life, every time you think you've found the correct answer, because even if you don't always remember it, the other grace knows: You deserve to keep on growing. Not the cuts, but the healing.

OH BOY

Oh boy. Will and Giada are down to their t-shirts and eating ice cream. And you know what that means.

Giada: "I'm sure not testifying for you in the Hirsch thing. I don't know if you've ever met an old man before, but they tend to show off in exactly that same way for younger people. Younger women, younger men that threaten them. I mean it's pretty much guaranteed, one hundred percent of the time, that's what men do."
Will: "But this is about the law! The truth!"
Giada: "Sitting there, I didn't see what you're talking about. I think you're taking this too far and making a mess of yourself."
Will: "We could subpoena you..."
Giada: "Let's just 'eat ice cream' and talk about 'ethanol.'"

By Jacob Clifton

POKER GAME

All the promising young men of Chicago's legal world get together and play poker. I guess Cary doesn't usually attend these games very often. I would further guess that he probably won't be welcome back any time soon, because check out this smash cut.

Cary: "Ah, Gardner's got it out for me."
Cutie: "Being Hirsch's clerk is no picnic either. He's on a tear ever since his marriage..."

BAM! HIRSCH TRIAL

Cutie, Looking Hung Over: "Oh man, what happened. I was just playing poker and now I've been subpoenaed to tell on my boss."
Diane: "I'm sorry, sweetie."
Cutie: "I am so pissed right now. I thought you were my friend, Cary!"
Diane: "You're Hirsch's law clerk. Cool. So what have you heard him say about Will?"
Cutie: "Liar, thief..."
Diane: "All the stuff he lied about saying the other day. Huh."

Laura: "Objection. Wait, so is Hirsch the only judge in Cook County that considers Will Gardner a louse and an embarrassment?"
Cutie: "No, they all do. We all make fun of him, all day long. The entire legal community."
Will: "Oh, man. I hate today!"
Laura: "Want to list each and every person that thinks Will is stupid and a poo-poo head?"
Cutie: "[Everybody. Just everybody in the world.]"

Laura: "Wait, but didn't one of those guys recently rule in Will's favor? So just because you think Will is ugly and dumb, it doesn't necessarily prejudice you as a judge. Basically the entire system would grind to a halt if it did. Because everybody -- no offense, Will -- everybody hates you. Because you are the worst."

OUTSIDE

Cutie The Clerk makes sure we register that he also might be beating up Cary in this episode. The face, Cutie. Be a pal.

Diane: "Okay, hating Will doesn't make him special. But prejudging the case does."
Cary: "So yeah, we need Giada. That's the part of his rant that wouldn't have happened in front of any of my poker buddies."
Will: "Not so sure about that. I kind of keep screwing her and being a dog about it."
Diane: "What about the ex-wife? Or any other evil stuff we could do."
Cary: "Hirsch's ex? I did hear that he's in recovery for alcoholism after all that went down..."
Will: "Whoa, how evil are we today?"
Diane: "Like I'm gonna let one drunk bitch stand between me and the 27th floor. If it meant never having to submit to Nathan Lane again, I'd sell Alicia over here to the highest bidder. Come on with that crap. Release the hounds."

Team Edward: "Why are you obsessed with my dead girlfriend?"
Grace: "It's a cunning way of being obsessed with myself. Do you believe in God?"
Team Edward: "Do you not see my earring? Do I look I believe in God?"

I feel like it's important at this juncture to note that Team Edward has grown into a dangerously attractive young person. Eric van der Woodsen & The Complicated Visual Known As Bisexual Elliott was a long, long time ago and, note, wore not a single bad-boy earring between them. I don't know how quite to relate that without keeping myself the hell out of it because I'm not yucky, but it's like... If you were Alicia Florrick and saw this kid up close, you would take Grace and you would move to Arizona. You would not stop to grab your shit, you would not say goodbye to anybody besides Kalinda. You would just throw that little girl in your car and hit the road.

Team Edward: "I like you, little strange Florrick. You realize this shrubbery is not for talking about God, don't you?"
Grace: "It's for having sex. Well, I guess that was going to happen. Is that a thing the other Grace would do?"
Team Edward: "Yeah, she had all the problems."
Grace: "Well, I'm not going to do that. I am well aware of my limits."
Team Edward: "I didn't ask."
Grace: "Gah. No, you didn't."

Somehow, by telling each other they don't want to have sex with each other, now they want to have sex with each other. Life is a funny thing that way. He moves in, devastating Team Edward that he is, and she gets all jumpy, standing up. So he throws out literally every trick of boys, and it's so intense that she bounces.

But first, on second thought, a little kiss. Everybody wants a pet tiger, after all.

I can't believe I'm saying this, and I doubt I'll have much occasion to say it in future, but that little smile Grace gives herself, walking away from the scorching sexual disaster that is Team Edward, made me love her more than anybody on this show. Just for a second.

We talk a lot about how Zach is his mother's son, and his father's. That belief that runs so strongly in both of the Florrick kids, what they got from their parents and their grandmothers and is the best thing about the whole clan, it just comes out so much less annoyingly in Zach than in poor old dorkwad square-peg Grace. But my God, she's never seemed more like Alicia's daughter than right now. Or more beautiful.

CHEZ SHARMVARESE

Kalinda's voice does that thing Nick noticed. The Alicia thing. If it's the only gift Nick ever gives us, noticing that Alicia thing, it'll be enough. It delights and entrances.

Alicia: "Yeah, I'm fine. My daughter is having a thing, but otherwise I'm fine."
Kalinda: "Okay. Well, if you want to talk, let me know. PLEASE. Otherwise, I'll get going on whatever work thing you're asking about."

Nick: "...That thing. Is it Cary that makes you do that?"
Kalinda: "No, but you're kinda cute with all that. You jealous little beastie."

Sadly, though, by the time Nick calls the number back, Alicia's on the move, so her friend and officemate Cary's the one that answers her phone. As friends do.

CAMPAIGN

Redheads: "So ever since this one volunteer who has magic hacking powers decided he can't work here in case you catch him, things have just gone to hell."
Eli: "First of all, I hate that we're playing out the female middle-manager IT Peter Principle thing. That's become a trope. And second of all, you tell that little shit I don't care if he's valedictorian..."
Redheads: "He's new! He is implacable! He has grown quite large in the last year!"
Eli: "Where is he. I'll yell at him myself."

Poor old Zach just keeps his head down and starts gathering up his shit before Eli and the Redheads have even arrived.

Redheads: "Jay, this is Eli Gold. He is tiny and full of powers."
Eli: "Kid, you're staying. I'll kill your parents, I swear to God I..."

Zach, guilty, finally stands up -- all eleven sudden feet of him -- and Eli regretfully lets him go, rolling his eyes. And while it's a great note to play with Eli, I always said he's at his best when flummoxed by children, and he's been kind of one-note crazy this season so that's welcome as well, I can't help wondering how it is that the entire campaign office just never caught on to this ruse. I mean, he's working with the same IT department of four people that presumably has put together entire online pages about how the candidate is this family man with these gifted children, right? Even if they are cancer-free, they're still photogenic. Better know your candidate, guys. C'mon.

FERN BAR

Will and Kalinda take shot for shot, checking out hotties and generally worrying about things. They don't even know about how Cary now has multiple people about to beat him up in this episode.

By Jacob Clifton

Redheads: "Jay, this is Eli Gold. He is tiny and full of powers."
Eli: "Kid, you're staying. I'll kill your parents, I swear to God I..."

FERN BAR

Will and Kalinda take shot for shot, checking out hotties and generally worrying about things. They don't even know about how Cary now has multiple people about to beat him up in this episode.

Kalinda: "Do you ever get jealous?"
Will: "I guess so, like when people I'm dating meet other people. But I try to be cool and remember it's narcissistic to expect things of people I can't do myself, like monogamy. Are you jealous of somebody or something?"
Kalinda: "How do you stop being jealous?"
Will: "See other people until it goes away? Or else tell the person you want to be exclusive, but then you actually have to."
Kalinda, nodding: "Thank you."
Will, verbatim: "That was a very genuine thank you."

She laughs, but it's funny on another level of how he just explained basic shit to her about a being a human and she was like, That's very interesting. "Will, how do you walk around without everything flying up toward the ceiling?" Well Kalinda, there's this thing called gravity.

So she finishes her drink... And then heads out to an AA meeting, to do her dirty business on the Hirsch case. Which takes about five seconds, and involves her subpoenaing the first person that says hello.

HIRSCH TRIAL-WITHIN-A-TRIAL

Diane: "So lady, you go to AA with Judd Hirsch?"
Lady: "Ugh, yes. Can I even talk about this?"
Laura: "Your Honor, this is outrageous! Truly, truly, truly outrageous!"
Dunaway: "AA isn't privileged, sorry to say. Isn't that weird?"
Lady: "So yeah. He became a drunk again after his marriage went down the john..."
Hirsch, correctly: "This is gross and cruel."

By Jacob Clifton

He leaves, quickly, and Laura kind of loses track of what's going on. It's like the face Alicia always makes right before she comes up with the thing of the week, except nothing comes out.

Lady: "...He's a blackout drunk, so probably he could have said that stuff and not even know he said it..."
Dunaway: "Hellinger, you object now. Come on. Get in the game."
Laura: "Okay, I object!"

Still making that face. Interesting, Laura. Speak up. (Later on, you'll see that she was making the exact face and figuring out the thing of the week, but it's weird to end a scene without the usual "Eureka, Your Honor!" that comes at the end of that face.)

HOME

Eli: "I don't actually have a problem with you working on the campaign. But I am very afraid of your mother, who has never really given a fuck when it comes to me and has now doubled down on never ever giving a fuck about anything. So maybe we should strategize about how exactly you can talk to her and how to keep my name out of your mouth..."

Team Edward: "Sup."
Eli: "...What? Zach, who was that ridiculous creature that just walked through here?"
Zach: "Team Edward. He's Grace's friend."
Eli: "Oh no! Oh no, you gotta shut that down. That little red corvette right there's runnin' way too much horsepower for your dorky sister. That kind of shit's how girls end up dead, or going on killing sprees through the Midwest..."

Zach: "You have completely lost track of what you were saying, haven't you."
Eli: "Only human, dude. Get me back on track, please."
Zach: "You were advising me on how to manipulate my mother? Possibly the dumbest thing a person could ever try to do?"
Eli: "Yeah, right yeah, right. Just tell her you're part of the campaign anyway, right? So if you take your talents away, you could cause a loss, and that means you have to do everything you can to make him win."
Zach: "That has the undeniable smell of exactly the kind of honorable America feelings I am constantly having anyway. We have a deal."
Eli: "And do not under any circumstances tell your mother I was here, or she will take all of us down."

HIRSCH TRIAL-WITHIN-A-TRIAL

By Jacob Clifton

Dunaway: "So here's the thing. You've basically descended to character assassination. It is rank, what you have done to this man, and I don't think any of us would survive a similar onslaught of tackiness..."
(Nevertheless, Hirsch makes it in this morning, and sits sadly and quietly. Presumably thinking about the Emmy he deserves for this episode.)
Dunaway: "I mean, you people are disgusting..."
Diane: "Your Honor!"
Dunaway: "...But you made your point. So congrats, dicks. We'll reassign the Pilates murder to somebody else."

Alicia watches Judd Hirsch stumble out of there -- ten years older than he was at the beginning of the episode, I mean it's heartbreaking -- but let's herself smile a little bit as Diane and Will quietly celebrate.

Laura: "Here's the thing, you're gonna want to settle."
L/G: "Excuse me?"
Laura: "Actus Reus isn't just a legal term, it's a website for cheaters. While Hirsch's marriage was going to hell, he logged on. Saw your client's profile. He wasn't just saying he knew she did it, he was saying he knew she did it. And I'm doubting this Pilates guy is the only person she solicited to murder her husband. So yeah, I'd settle."

Alicia: "Yay for Laura! But boo on Laura! I want to make so many different faces right now that they all boil down to just my same face."

FLORRICK/AGOS

Alicia: "I share an office with Cary now, you know? So it's kind of rude to just be sitting here at his desk when I come in."
Eli: "But it's where my couch used to be! Anyway listen, the trackers are on Zach too."
Alicia: "Him, I don't worry about."
Eli: "Just saying your kids are involved in the campaign now..."
Alicia: "I know that too."
Eli: "...You want to let them be interviewed, maybe? You should let them help, maybe."
Alicia: "You're doing a thing and I am too tired to figure out what the thing is. So go back to your lair and we'll all get some rest. Storm's comin'."

The storm is bad, by the time Nick's guy finds Cary. Our guy gets in one good punch, but it's not enough. Stupid fuckin' Nick. I mean, there are plenty of ways in which Cary probably deserves to get beat up a little bit. He's a smug little shit with a bunch of entitlement and grudges and the manipulative survival instincts of a feral animal. But the ugly irony here is almost too much; it's a brilliant twist but it's also so sad. Kalinda loves Alicia so much that it shows is not a fair reason for Cary to go down. Not when he's worked so hard on being a better man.

By Jacob Clifton

HOME

Zach jumps Alicia the second she walks in the door, shoulders slumping, exhausted.

Zach: "I want to be involved in the campaign."
Alicia: "...Fine, let's talk."
Zach: "[Verbatim everything Eli just said to her.]"
Alicia: "I'll think about it. I guess I have to keep you safe in a different way, now."

She kisses Grace; smells Connor on her. Like a mama bird, she smells him. And on the television, the cops are blowing away bad guys and a million sirens are going off. And out in the storm, Cary's bleeding. Quite a mess, altogether. Might be time to give some of those fucks she's been saving.

WEEK

Owen! Stockard Channing! Alicia and Owen have parents! Weird! Stockhard Channing making friends with David Lee (yikes!) and telling off Peter Florrick (yikes?). The aftermath of the tiny blond-on-tiny blond attack. Kalinda, it seems likely, going ham on Nick for this one. Or so we can at least hope. I can't remember the last time this show felt so serialized, though -- the Laura stuff, the callbacks, the open-ended things with Zach and Grace, the explicit open-door policy between Alicia and Kalinda -- so I'm guessing a lot of shit will go down. And even if it doesn't, wasn't that an insanely good episode just now?

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife and Homeland for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, his novel The Urges, and a novelette, "The Commonplace Book," appeared this month on Tor.com.