In Ohio: Single-T Tina quite unexpectedly finds herself nominated for Prom Queen, and she proceeds to run her seldom-seen assistant Dottie Kazatori ragged in an effort to drum up votes for her campaign. Naturally, this means poor, neglected Dottie's especially vulnerable to an overture from the unnecessarily unfunny New Santana, the latter of whom promises Dottie a spot on the Cheerios if Dottie willingly conspires to Carrie Tina with a bucket of Slushies at the big dance. Fortunately for Tina, Pretty Kitty and the other Glee Clubbers are on hand to offer her a lightning-fast makeover after Dottie yanks on the rope, and Tina returns to the prom stage triumphant. And as for the already-tiresome New Santana? Principal Sue rewards her obnoxiousness with a promotion to captain of the cheerleading squad, and further tasks her with harassing The New New Directions for the remainder of the school year, because those kids supposedly work better together when they share a common enemy or something. Joy.
In New York: The One True Santana Lopez finds comfort in the arms of the badly miscast Demi Lovato, St. Gay Of Lima manages to land a paying gig at -- wait for it -- the exact same diner where his roommates are currently ruining orders and The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway gets cast as Fanny Brice.
In Other News: McKinley High's brand-new and ludicrously incompetent school nurse dimwits her way into Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen's heart and… yeah, to hell with all that. You know what? I'm going to ignore him until he washes his goddamned hair already.
Featuring an extremely brief snippet of "Revolution," as performed by Single-T Tina; "Get Back," as performed by St. Gay Of Lima, Old Idiot Rachel and a whole posse of instantly forgettable Fake Drama School In New York extras; "Something," as performed by the disgustingly coiffed Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen whilst pining away for the brutally stupid new school nurse; "Here Comes The Sun," as performed by The One True Santana Lopez and her new lady-love; "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band," as performed at the big dance by New Puck, New Finn, Urethra Franklin and Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel; "Hey Jude," as performed by the current members of The New New Directions during Tina's post-Slushie makeover; and a surprisingly peppy "Let It Be," as performed by nearly everybody in the cast. Well, except for Finn, of course. Where's he been the last couple of weeks, anyway?
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"So, how does it work with gay marriage?" Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen wonders aloud whilst reclining on the McKinley High music room piano. "Do you take his last name," Lady Lips continues, "or does he take yours, or do you both hyphenate?" Dreamboat Blaine, who's been idly tickling the ivories somewhere north of Sam's head this entire time, replies that he's too busy trying to wrap his mind around the fact that St. Gay Of Lima actually said yes at the end of last week's Super-Gay Gay Marriage Proposal Extravaganza to think of such details, then shifts the conversational topic over to this week's impending prom dramarama. "I fell asleep last night while Tina was texting me about her dress," he confides before adding, "It's really nice that you're going with her, by the way."
Lady Lips heaves a beleaguered sigh, so we already know that's going to become A Huge Hairy Issue this evening even before he notes, "It's my senior prom, so I kinda wish I was going with somebody I really care about." "Damn!" he realizes as he hauls himself up into a sitting position atop the piano. "I have seriously been unlucky in love!" And you're going to continue to be seriously unlucky in love if you don't wash your goddamned hair, you sleazeball. Not that I give a flying rat's crap about any of the tedious, angst-ridden romantic subplots on this show, ever, but still. Who in the hell thought that hairstyle was a good choice for this character this season, huh?
In any event, Sam's musings are interrupted by the arrival of Mr. Schue, who wastes little time reminding us all that last week's Beatlemania will continue apace until every single member of this show's rapidly dwindling audience is completely disgusted with the band and everything it ever represented. He gamely launches himself into one of his lengthy and instantly forgettable monologues involving this week's band's relevance to The New New Directions' current situation, but I really can't be bothered to listen to any of it this time around, so it's quite a relief when Principal Sylvester cuts it all short to grace us all with the following announcement via the school's PA system: "Good afternoon, McKinley High. This year, all the proms are being fused into one giant Brundleprom. And now for the moment that will crush ninety-nine percent of your misguided views about your own popularity: Here are your nominees for Prom King and Queen." First up are the guys, with Dreamboat Blaine and Artie joining someone named "Mohammed Omar" and Stoner Brett Bukowski as the gentlemen on the court. Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen is quite dismayed by his omission from the list, even though we all know he shouldn't be, because MY GOD, YOU IDIOT, WOULD YOU PLEASE DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR HAIR?
This year's ladies include Pretty Kitty (even though she's only a sophomore, supposedly), some disposable brunette cheerleader I don't recall seeing before, last season's mysterious neck-brace Cheerio, and -- "inexplicably," as Principal Sylvester takes great pains to note -- Single-T Tina. Tina, naturally, freaks the hell out and proceeds to dance herself into the middle of the music room floor, from which point she proceeds to dump Lady Lips as her escort because, she reasons, "I need to maximize my odds of taking the crown, so I think I'm gonna go with a group of single gals to corner the dejected wallflower vote, and I am going for it!" "This is my chance to be bigger than Jesus," she somewhat maniacally claims, "so can I count on all your votes?" "Awwwwk-waaaaard!" Urethra Franklin sings from her heavenly perch in the highest of the cheap seats, presumably because Pretty Kitty is also nominated, but Kitty happily throws her support behind her teammate. "I've got more shots at Prom Queen," she smiles. "It's Tina's time." "I agree!" Tina beams before turning upon the usually-mute members of The McKinley High Jazz Ensemble with a snarling, "Hit it!" to launch herself into her uncomfortably high-pitched version of "Revolution." Funnily enough, the bell rings before she's even reached the end of the first line, and everyone -- including the usually-mute members of The McKinley High Jazz Ensemble -- just up and walks out on her in the middle of her performance. "Seriously?" Tina yelps. "Seriously?" Seriously. Also: Title card.
Café Contrivance. Santana Lopez busies herself making googly eyes at extra-special stunt-cast guest star Demi Lovato for a little while until The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway comes marching out of the kitchen to bitch about her wretched Funny Girl callback again, some more. "The thing is," Old Idiot Rachel whines, "I wasn't just auditioning for this for myself -- I was auditioning for everyone in McKinley! I wanted to show that we're talented enough to make it in this insane business!" Which is a line of bullshit I can't believe Santana would let pass without comment, but let it pass she does, preferring instead to use the last bit as a jumping-off point for a little expository babbling of her own: "One of us sort of already did -- I booked a commercial!" It's a little embarrassing, Santana admits, because it's advertising a yeast infection remedy, but would Rachel like to see it? But of course!
Café Contrivance. The One True Santana Lopez and Demi Lovato flirt with each other over a couple of condiment bottles, and because I do not give a flying rat's crap about any of the tedious, angst-ridden romantic subplots on this show, here's what you need to know about Santana's new missy: She wears a lot of eyeliner, she loves the ladyparts, her parents are d-bags and she plays the guitar. Also, because Demi Lovato only signed on for six episodes this season, there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to get invested in this subplot at all, no matter how adorable Naya Rivera gets while playing up Santana's unexpected new-love nervousness and smelly underboob sweat and whatnot. So, are we done here, too? Excellent.
Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High. Dreamboat Blaine and Artie invite Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen along to pick up their tux rentals for the big dance, but Lady Lips would rather spend his time stalking the new school nurse, thank you very much. Both Blaine and Artie offer Sam a few words of advice regarding his burgeoning -- and thus far, one-sided -- romance before wandering off elsewhere, and as Nurse Penny rounds a corner to clumsily dump an entire box of sharps all over the linoleum, Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen launches himself into a fantasy-sequence version of "Something" that leads both him and the artfully-lit object of his affections through various classrooms and such until it ends with the two of them slow-dancing in their very best formal attire on the stage of The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion. And despite all the horrendous hair on display -- seriously, her flyaways are nearly as bad as his through most of this -- it really is kind of oddly charming. In fact, it almost makes me wish I gave a flying rat's crap about any of the tedious, angst-ridden romantic subplots on this show, but I don't, so whatever. Also: This evening's commercial break.
Nurse's Office. Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen enters to find Penny packing her things, since she's been fired due to being an incompetent idiot. "I was giving one of her Cheerios a urine test," Penny explains, "and another one a vaccination, and I got my vials all mixed up, and, well, you can guess what happened." Sam immediately drops trou to receive his meningitis shot, as he believes doing so will somehow convince Principal Sylvester to keep Penny on the school's staff, and for one hot second, I quite honestly thought it was all going to lead to some sick, bizarre, and absolutely hilarious take on this piece of classic celluloid trash, but it doesn't, so we're off instead to...
...Principal Sylvester's office, where we arrive just as Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen bursts through the door to insist, "You can't fire her! I mean, I've been terrified of needles my entire life, and she just used her impressive nursing skills and nurturing bedside manner and gave me a meningitis shot in my butt!" "I'm sorry," Principal Sylvester interjects, "but your mouth is incredibly distracting -- please put a pair of white cotton panties over your head and cover up that horizontal talking moose knuckle." Hee. "Just promise me Penny still has a job here," Lady Lips replies, completely ignoring Principal Sylvester's excellent advice for some reason. "Someone's got a little crush," Principal Sylvester guesses correctly before giving in to Sam's demands like so: "You've convinced me -- Nurse Bumble McQuirkypoops will remain at McKinley High." "I could use a new plaything," she admits, adding, "You know, yesterday I asked her for two aspirin and she accidentally gave me steroids, which means I can finally stop buying from Mark McGwire -- he always wants to hang out, and I just wanna get the hell out of his house." Ha! Lady Lips doesn't quite know how to respond to all that -- naturally -- so Principal Sylvester throws his happy ass out.
Meanwhile, out in the hall, Dottie Kazatori faithfully pushes "Don't Be Racist: Vote For Tina!" flyers into several utterly indifferent students' hands until New Santana arrives to make her an offer she can't refuse: if Dottie agrees to go along with some as-yet-unspecified Tina-related "plan," New Santana will secure a spot on the cheerleading squad for the much-abused nerd. So, is Dottie in? Dottie Kazatori gulps.
Café Contrivance. The One True Santana Lopez congratulates The Horrible Hooker of Broadway on making it through her first graveyard shift without collapsing, but Old Idiot Rachel has other things on her mind, foremost amongst them the latest edition of Backstage magazine's Broadway casting special, "hot off the presses." "'Hot off the presses'?" The One True Santana frowns, utilizing the appropriate air quotes. "What does that even mean?" Heh. "I'm over my fear of rejection," Old Idiot Rachel blares, ignoring Santana entirely, "and I'm no longer afraid of failing, so I'm auditioning for everything I'm remotely right for, including but not limited to the role of Bottom at The Cape Cod Players' production of Midsummer and also Annie Sullivan's landlady in The Miracle Worker, now casting at The New Jersey Theater For The Deaf!" I'm pretty sure she's kidding with most of that. Rachel then moves to take off, much to Santana's loud consternation. "Where do you think you're going?" Santana demands, noting, "You still have ten minutes and two dozen sugar caddies to caddy." Rachel thought that was something Santana and Demi Lovato could do alone, if you know what she means, and I think you do. Santana derides Rachel's attempt at "playing Yente The Lesbian Matchmaker," but Rachel just blows on out of there, leaving Santana and her would-be lady-love more or less alone.
The two women chat for a little bit, but as I noted above, because Demi Lovato's contract ensures she'll be disappearing in about a month and a half, this relationship already has a great, big expiration date stamped all over it, so who the hell cares what they actually have to say to each other? Eventually, they settle down to watch the sun rise over the building door, giving Demi Lovato the perfect opportunity to strum away on her ever-present guitar while serenading Santana with the opening lines of -- wait for it -- "Here Comes The Sun." Santana quickly joins in, and the resulting duet is the first of the evening's musical high points. Their voices really do blend quite nicely together, and it's so refreshingly underproduced, with only the guitar for accompaniment and no obvious Auto-Tuning going on, that it almost makes me wish once again that I gave a flying rat's crap about any of the tedious, angst-ridden romantic subplots on this show, but I don't… so whatever. And in the end, after the two wander from the diner through the early morning light over to Demi Lovato's nearby apartment building, they share a chaste little goodbye kiss right before vanishing into this evening's commercial break.
And when we return, we're immediately flung directly into the middle of The First Annual McKinley High School Junior-Senior Brundleprom, where four of last season's new kids hurl themselves into a mostly annoying cover of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" up on the stage while various other characters get some equally annoying (and seriously overexposed) souvenir photographs snapped in a specially dedicated area off to the side. Eventually, Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen meets up with Nurse Penny over by the punch bowl, where she thanks him for saving her job right before he asks her to dance. And as they make their way to the floor...
...New Santana confirms a few final details of that still-as-yet-unspecified Tina-related plan of hers with an increasingly tense Dottie Kazatori before nastily declaring, "It's show time!" And as New Santana slides past Dottie to rejoin her actual friends on another part of the dance floor, Dottie pivots to glance nervously at a length of white rope suspended near the stage, and I immediately understand I'm about to witness yet another rip-off of the bucket of blood scene in Brian De Palma's Carrie, and that makes me very weary, indeed. Sure enough, the camera scampers along to follow that length of white rope up into the rafters, where we discover that it is actually attached to an actual bucket filled with blood-red Slushies, and I really, really want to close my tired eyes and sleep for about three thousand years, but first, let's head back down to the stage proper to see what Principal Sylvester has to say, shall we?
"Congratulations, New Directions, on accomplishing the impossible: You've made me hate The Beatles." You and me both, Sue. You and me both. Principal Sylvester then goes on to introduce the eight previously-mentioned prom court nominees before announcing, "And now here's the moment you've all been waiting for because your lives are so devoid of meaning, something like this seems very important: Your Prom King and Queen are… Stoner Brett and Tina Cohen-Chang!" Everything immediately grinds down into slow motion as the various kiddies involved take their various places on and around stage for the impending reenactment of Sissy Spacek's abject humiliation at the hands of that mouthbreathing scumbag John Travolta, with Pretty Kitty remaining off to the side to cover the Amy Irving role, which I have to admit she handles with a certain aplomb.
Of course, Kitty notices the rope leading up to the bucket just an instant too late to actually do anything about it, so when Dottie Kazatori yanks on the thing, poor Single-T Tina ends up with about eight gallons of partially-melted Slushie raining down upon her head. The one funny bit in the entire sequence comes courtesy of Stoner Brett, who pulls a complete Greatest American Hero by mouthing the words "What the hell?" right before the now-empty Bucket Of Shame whacks him on the head. Hee. New Santana immediately starts in with the derisive laughter, with several dozen of the other children present joining in as the kaleidoscope lens starts spinning and the ever-useless adults just stand there, sadly shaking their heads instead of, you know, actually doing something about what just happened, until a weeping Tina finally turns to flee into the comparative comfort this evening's commercial break, and come on, Glee. If she's not gonna telekinetically blow up the entire frigging gym, then what the hell was the point of all that, huh? HUH?
Oh, I guess this is the point -- Single-T Tina retreats to the music room, where she's presently joined by just about everybody else in The New New Directions, who offer her the following choice: They can drive her home immediately or they can clean her up so she can "go back out there and own that prom." "I can't go back in there!" Tina sobs. "I don't even have a dress to wear!" Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel, Pretty Kitty and Unique all offer Tina use of their gowns -- though I suspect only Unique's could actually be altered to fit her, and despite the fact that it looks like there's an entire rack of ladies' formalwear hanging over there in the corner -- and as Artie silently wheels himself up to offer Tina a towel from the enormous pile he has stacked on his lap, Dreamboat Blaine crosses to the piano to sing the opening line of "Hey Jude." You knew this one was coming sooner or later, right? Right.
It makes me very happy to say, however, that this take on that song ends up being the second musical high point of this evening's presentation, especially once the other kiddies add their voices to Blaine's as they give Tina one of the fastest full-body makeovers ever. Don't ask me how they do it, but they somehow manage to squeeze her into Kitty's sparkly pink cocktail-length frock and even though I normally abhor that color, I've got to admit she looks fabulous in it. Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen steps forward to return the cleaned-up crown to Tina's head, the other boys present her with a fresh bouquet of roses, and the children as a group escorts her back into the gym, where Tina reclaims the stage amid a shower of glittery confetti to the cheers of everyone present. I should absolutely hate every second of it, I know, but for whatever reason, I'm finding that impossible at the moment. Maybe the song itself really is that good.
Hallowed Halls of Dear McKinley High, the following morning. Coach Roz Washington drags New Santana into Principal Sylvester's office -- by the hair, which is hysterical -- and issues a demand for New Santana to be punished. "Now I'll admit," Black Sue notes, "that when the bucket of goo hit the Asian girl in the head, it was hilarious. Then, when the bucket itself fell and hit the stoner kid in the head? Knocked him straight to the ground? Priceless. Top-notch entertainment! But that does not change the fact that this girl right here needs to understand that pulling hilarious top-notch pranks has consequences! She should be suspended!" Coach Washington concludes. Principal Sylvester takes a very long moment to peer at the blatantly unapologetic New Santana, then leans forward to state, "I am promoting you to captain of The Cheerios and buying you a Le Car." Hee. "What?!" New Santana and Black Sue splutter, pretty much simultaneously. "Chocolate Cheerio," Principal Sylvester smiles, "that evil glimmer in your eye reminds me of a young Sue Sylvester. You've found a brand-new way to go after the Glee Club, and I want you to keep at it!" "I thought you said you wanted the Glee Club to win Nationals," Coach Washington scowls. "I do," Principal Sylvester confirms, "but the Glee Club needs an enemy. The only time they were any good," she explains, "was when I was hell-bent on destroying them, but I once sang onstage with them in plaid pajamas, and ever since? I don't think they find me quite so scary."
Principal Sylvester then returns her attention to New Santana, the latter of whom she instructs like so: "I want you to go after the Glee Club with all you've got. I want it to get weird. I want you to pull something so psychotic that they can't help but start crying when they think about it in the middle of the inevitable Journey song they'll sing to win at Nationals after deciding on it at the very last moment. Got it?" New Santana, who'd been staring at Principal Sylvester with something approaching a fascinated revulsion during all of that, suddenly cracks a smile. DUN!
Café Contrivance. "I think I need an agent," The One True Santana Lopez opens as she dumps a cardboard shipping box down on one of the stools. The Horrible Hooker of Broadway, who'd been futzing with the pastries, shoots The One True Santana an apprehensive look as the latter continues, "I guess those contracts I signed for my commercial said I'd waive my right to residuals in exchange for a lifetime supply of Yeast-I-Stat, though I don't know whose toxic vagina would need that much of the stuff. I mean, if you're producing that much yeast, you should probably start a bakery." Hee! At that moment, the uniform-clad St. Gay Of Lima emerges from the restaurant's kitchen with a sheaf of menus to wipe down, because he just got a job there, too, because of course he did. "What is Lady Hummel doing here?" Santana sneers. "Vogue-dot-com doesn't pay," St. Gay airily replies as he perches daintily atop the counter, "and I need some seed cash to start my Madonna cover band." "This is so great!" Old Idiot Rachel enthuses. "I feel like I'm on Smash, Season One!" Oh, that's not good. Like, at all.
In any event, St. Gay babbles something I didn't catch about Fanny Brice, which leads to yet another rant from The Horrible Hooker that I won't be transcribing, until Santana breaks through it all to croon, "Isn't it amazing how life seems so easy when you just don't give a fuck? I mean, look at this: Hummel is getting married, Berry is just full of confidence, and I finally have a girlfriend who I don't have to worry about straying for penis!" And good for you, honey. St. Gay seems to agree with me, for he proposes the following pledge: "We stay in this town together for two years, through soaring success or miserable failure. None of us bails until then, okay?" So, Fake Drama School in New York is a two-year program? What? I don't understand any of this, but whatever. They pinky-swear on the whole thing, and then Gunther The Racist Restaurant Owner stops by to inform Old Idiot Rachel that she's needed at Table Fourteen.
The Horrible Hooker of Broadway arrives at the appropriate booth to find, of course, Peter Facinelli, and long story short, he offers her the role she's been bitching about losing for the last goddamned hour, because duuuuuuuuuuuuh. Rachel nearly bursts into tears at the news, then goes virtually ultrasonic with the shrieking and whatnot as the other patrons and staff members offer her a round of applause. And as she leaps into her roommates' arms for a couple of celebratory hugs, the camera cross-fades over to...
...My Ancestral Homeland, where Santana Lopez, St. Gay Of Lima and Demi Lovato crack open a bottle of champagne while Old Idiot Rachel sings the first few bars of "Let It Be." It's an admittedly weird choice for the happy, peppy, location-hopping montage that follows, but it works well enough on the New York side of things, mainly because the four people on that end sound really good singing it once they've all joined in.
The Lima portion of this sequence, however? Ehhhhhnnnnh. The kiddies of The New New Directions perform their parts whilst onstage at The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion, supposedly rehearsing for Nationals, and while I guess their vocals are okay, their costumes for this number are atrocious. Filmy, fugly mid-'70s maxis with matching headbands on the girls, while the guys get these pastel-colored suits that make my teeth ache. And I haven't even mentioned the half-assed, dipshitty, spin-and-sway choreography yet. It's depressing. And awful. And gross. Really, really gross.
But no matter, 'cause St. Gay Of Lima hasn't sounded this good in what seems like years, and while I wish they'd have ended it in Brooklyn rather than in Ohio, it's far from the worst way they could have closed out their two-week fit of Beatlemania.
up: The episode everyone's been waiting for since July. Let's hope they don't fuck it up.
Demian's pretty sure they're gonna fuck it up. You may reach him at demian_twop@yahoo.com.
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