The Incredible Kurt's Wonder Bone

S04E21

I'm baaaack! Filling in for my very old colleague Demian (who was fooling himself if he thought that crack would get by me). I owe him for that. And for sticking me with this Stevie Wonder crapfest.

So, Burt's finished his course of treatment for his cancer, and Kurt heads back to Lima to go to the doctor with him to get his diagnosis/prognosis. Kurt's freaking out (as one would), and he's developing some scary OCD tendencies. But it turns out that the news is good and Burt's in complete remission. However, the visit gives Blaine the opportunity to make goo-goo eyes at Kurt and he goes so far as to ask Burt's permission to propose to Kurt. Burt remains the only truly sane adult on this show, as he reminds Blaine that he's just a little boy who should not remotely be thinking about marriage yet. So Blaine converts his proposal into a request that Kurt stick around for Regionals.

In New York, Rachel is getting ready for her call back for Funny Girl. Cassandra July learns about the audition, and she threatens to make Rachel's life hell to screw with her. But it's all a well-intentioned con, as Cassandra July converts Rachel's mid-term exam into a celebration of her success… because that's the Fake Theater School tradition.

Rachel has called Will to tell him about her audition, which somehow convinces Will that the week should be dedicated to the music of the frankly bland Stevie Wonder. He claims they'll perform the songs of Mr. Wonder at Regionals, but we all know not one word of this will be remembered by the episode. However, it is an excuse to bring Mercedes and Mike Chang back to help the kiddies prepare for Regionals. While they're at McKinley, Mercedes loses her record deal because she's neither skinny enough nor slutty enough to move units. And Mercedes and Mike Chang convince New Puck that he's a triple threat who should step up and lead the New Directions. And Pretty Kitty discovers that Artie is going to turn down his film school acceptance, so she takes every opportunity to confront him about it until he finally admits to his mother (Katey Sagal!) that he's scared to leave her, and she pushes him to get off his ass and go to the Brooklyn Film Academy. Hmmm, I wonder if that's near Bushwick?

Featuring seven painful Stevie Wonder songs. Actually, I liked three of them. You'll have to guess which ones. Links to come in the full recap.

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We open on the Improbably Bohemian Bushwick Loft, where Rachel is making herself some tea and talking on the phone with Will, who's in the teachers' lounge at McKinley. She's called to tell him that she just had her callback for Funny Girl, and she's one of only three actors up for the role of Fanny Brice. She wants to give all the credit to him, since she auditioned with the song that Finn selected and arranged back when Will had stated his intention to quit teaching forever. Which makes me wonder why she's not giving the credit to Finn. But let's just ignore all that and pretend that Will is really the one who launched Rachel in her career. And that saccharine phone call gives Will an idea for the week's lesson. Since he clearly didn't have anything planned before this.

Music room. Will writes "Wonder-ful" on the board. He tells the kids about Rachel's good news, and further tells them the wonderful news that Brit-Brit is touring MIT because she's been accepted. Even more wonderfully, Will re-proposed to Emma off-camera, and she accepted. How did this emotionally stunted man-child propose to her without the assistance of his teenage minions? Tina also has good news, which is that she's wait-listed at the Columbus College of Veterinary Medicine. So the writers are planning to literally bury Tina in bullshit? Anyway, all this wonderful news has made Will decide that this week the kids will sing the songs of Stevie Wonder. He claims that this theme will carry through to Regionals week, but we all know that's a tremendous lie. Title card.

Pretty Kitty chases Artie down the hallway, demanding to know why he's so depressed. He claims not to know what she's talking about, and she tells him that he's depressed because he wants to have sex with her since it will never happen. Artie tells him he wasn't thinking about that, but he's happy to have another reason to be depressed -- which means he's fallen into Pretty Kitty's trap, given that he's now admitted that he's depressed. So he comes clean and tells her that he's been admitted to the Fictional Brooklyn Film School. But he's not going, even though he won't tell her the reason. And he asks her to shut her Pretty Kitty pie hole. Has asking her to shut up ever worked? Ever?

By LTG

Demian's Ancestral Homeland. Kurt is crossing off another day in his Men of McKinley calendar, while his voice-over tells us that it's two days until his father gets his test results after his course of treatment for his prostate cancer. You know, the illness that has been barely mentioned in the ten episodes? That one. Anyway, Kurt plans to head back to Lima to be with Burt when it's time to meet with the doctor. We also learn that Kurt is becoming more mentally ill than he otherwise might have been. He'll only wear light blue socks, since that's the color of the clear skies he's hoping for. And he feels compelled to touch his nose three times at fourteen and twenty-eight past the hour. The symbolism of that is never explained. Kurt, luggage in tow, strides out of the Improbably Bohemian Bushwick Loft...

And straight into the Hallowed Halls of McKinley High. Not only is he going to Lima to be with his father -- he's going to hang out with "everyone. And Blaine, of course." Kurt promises us he has no plans to hook up with Blaine on this trip. Kurt, Burt's brush with death is supposed to help you realize that you need to live every day like it's your last. By which I mean, you need to hit it with that over-gelled dream boy! During Kurt's voiceover, we learn that Mercedes and Mike Chang are also at McKinley for the week.

The New Directions alum all run into the music room just as Pretty Kitty sings "Signed, Sealed, Delivered I'm Yours," with New Puck and New Finn backing her up. People have asked me why I'm not a fan of Mr. Wonder's music. I won't deny that almost every one of his songs has a great hook. But it's like nobody ever talked to him about ever varying the tempo or intensity of a song, or including a bridge. It's one great hook and a couple of great verses, repeated over and over again. And this song is a prime example of that. I will note that Pretty Kitty spends most of the song making eyes at Artie, and at one point basically straddles his face with her crotch.

As the song finishes, she announces to everybody that Artie was accepted into Fictional Brooklyn Film School. See, Artie? I told you that asking her to keep a secret was pointless. Artie doesn't say anything about her announcement, which gives Mercedes the opening to tell Pretty Kitty that her performance was good, but not great. Pretty Kitty blows this criticism off as coming from a has-been, but Will enlightens everyone that Mercedes has been invited back to serve as a vocal coach as the team prepares for Regionals. Also, Kurt points out that Mercedes is no has-been -- she has a new album coming out, and is in town to film a video for it. As you might guess, Mike Chang is in town to choreograph for Regionals. Which is news that Tina finds distressing because apparently #gleehatesgirls. Tina asks Kurt if he's there to lecture them on their fashion sense. Kurt: "My dad has cancer." Well, that shut her up. Mercedes takes over the rehearsal.

Artie wheels away from the music room, with Pretty Kitty chasing him down. He's mad because she blabbed, and she still doesn't get why he isn't thrilled to be going to Fictional Brooklyn Film School. It's because his mother is freaking out at the thought of him leaving and living in New York. He asks why she cares, and she tells him that she's trying to match Quinn's record for unexplained personality changes. I mean, that she's trying to be unpredictable: "Sometimes I'm sweet, sometimes I'm sour. Keeps it interesting." I guess "bipolar" is a kind of interesting.

Lima Bean. Kurt and Blaine are collecting their coffee order and gabbing about how exciting all of the gay marriage news is. Blaine's going on about New York, but you'd think they'd be chatting about the fact that Rhode Island's governor signed their marriage equality bill the same day this episode aired. As they walk over to the table where Mike Chang and Mercedes are already seated, Blaine tries some serious flirting with Kurt. And Kurt seems neither thrilled nor unhappy with that flirting. While Mercedes and Mike talk about her video, Blaine notices that Kurt is obsessively putting his sugar packets into neat little piles. Things get a little awkward when Mercedes asks Blaine and Kurt about their status as a couple, given how hot and heavy they got at the non-wedding. And it gets even more awkward when Mike Chang brings up the fact that Tina Vapo-raped Blaine. Kurt freaks out about how meaningless this entire conversation is, and Mercedes reassures him that everything with his father will be fine, and that they're all there for him.

Fake New York Theater School. Rachel is accosted by two bitchy queens who may or may not have been two of the bitchy queens who used to be her sycophants. They're there to crow about the fact that her rumored competition for Funny Girl are Sutton Foster and Mamie Gummer. They also tell her she'd better hope Cassandra July doesn't learn about the audition, since Rachel needs a teacher's formal approval to take an outside gig and Cassie July would love to find an excuse to destroy her.

As soon as the conversation is finished, the two vicious queens run into Cassie July's studio to give her the news that Rachel's audition is confirmed. Commercials.

April Rhodes Civic Pavilion. Mercedes is there with the toddlers of New Directions to give them a vocal lesson. She tells them they're too scared, and she gives New Rachel the stupid direction to start trying some "Mercedes Jones-style vocal runs." She tests New Rachel by having her do a run while Mercedes hits her in the stomach with a maraca. But all of this is just an excuse for Mercedes to lead the kids in "Superstition," with Blaine and New Rachel taking substantial roles in the song.

By LTG

As soon as the conversation is finished, the two vicious queens run into Cassie July's studio to give her the news that Rachel's audition is confirmed. Commercials.

Mercedes and Mike Chang accost New Puck in the stairwell to tell him that Mercedes wants him to join Mike as a featured dancer in her video. They also want him to step up and take a leadership role in the New Directions, since he's a "triple threat." By which they mean he's a singer, dancer and sex bomb. I can't argue with them. And yet I still don't care.

Doctor's office. Kurt paces while Carol and Burt sit and wait. Hey, it's Carol. Too bad Finn couldn't make it home from his local university to join them. Anyway, Kurt freaks out that Burt wore a dark-colored t-shirt, and Burt freaks out about his own impending mortality. But then the doctor comes in and we learn that Burt's cancer is in complete remission. Yay! Commercials.

Kurt, in some very form-fitting orange pants, is in the music room with the assembled kiddies. He's waiting for Burt to get there because he wants to sing a song dedicated to him. And that song is "You Are the Sunshine of My Life," with Tina, New Rachel and Pretty Kitty on backup.

Fake New York Theater School. Rachel is in the dance studio running lines for her callback when Cassie July enters the room. Cassie is there for the express purpose of being a total bitch, and she's gloriously good at it. She points out to Rachel that, "Actors less narcissistic than yourself actually prefer to rehearse with other actors." She also claims that she learned about Rachel's callback from her good pal Barbra Streisand, and that she and Barbra plan to be there at the callback to watch Rachel fail. She also impliedly threatens to schedule Rachel's dance mid-term so it conflicts with the callback, leading Rachel to beg her not to mess things up. But Cassandra July wouldn't dream of messing up Rachel's big chance to fail, so she's rescheduling the mid-term for 6:00 the morning. And she assigns her some impossibly difficult ballet role as her exam. Atta girl.

By LTG

Back in the music room, Mike Chang calls New Puck up to demonstrate the dancing and singing skills that make him a true New Directions leader. New Puck sings "I Wish," while Mike dances with him. Jacob Artist is a fine dancer, but it's really not fair to make him dance to Harry Shum. Very few people could stand that comparison. At the end of the number, Mike Chang quietly points out to Kurt that Mercedes is missing.

Cut to the April Rhodes Civic Pavilion, where Mercedes is arguing with someone on her phone. She finishes the call just as Kurt and Mike arrive to hear the end of it. The call was with her producer, who had, during a photo shoot for the album, asked her to drop the prom-like cape from her shoulders and lean forward to give a little cleavage to the camera. She refused, and now her producer is wants to put someone else's face on her album. Or redo the photo shoot. I don't quite get Mercedes' outrage here -- he's asking for a little cleavage, not that she flash some nipple. Anywho, if she doesn't agree to his demands, her CD is off the release schedule. Kurt and Mike are outraged on her behalf. But she has a lot to think about because she's worked for a year on the album and would be devastated if it didn't come out. Commercials.

Artie arrives home, where he finds that Pretty Kitty has been visiting with his mother. Who is freakin' Katey Sagal! While I overcome my excitement, I can tell you that Pretty Kitty was there to chat with Mrs. Artie about Artie's Fictional Brooklyn Film School acceptance. Needless to say, Mrs. Artie was surprised to hear (a) that Artie had been accepted and (b) that Mrs. Artie was somehow preventing him from going to said fake school. Pretty Kitty excuses herself before Artie has the chance to wheel himself over her toes. Mrs. Artie asks Artie why he would tell people she's afraid to let him go to New York. As we all know, it's because Artie's afraid to go to New York. He claims (again) that New York is not wheelchair-friendly. I mean, it's true that very few subway stops have elevators. And there are lots of apartments in walk-up buildings. But the sidewalks are wide, there are curb cuts everywhere, and Manhattan is really flat. He thinks that he's been sheltered from having to struggle because she did everything to adapt life to him. But she reminds him that it was really him adapting to life, and that he's really good at it. And then he admits that he doesn't want to leave her alone because it seems unfair to abandon her after she devoted her life to taking care of him after his accident. I think he's talking out of his ass here -- I mean, Mrs. Artie doesn't really strike me as the Baby Jane type. Mrs. Artie reminds him that every good parent wants their kid to take all the love and care they received and get the hell out of dodge to pursue their own dreams. And that's what he's going to do, by going to film school. "And if you ever again imply that I'm an old hag, I'm gonna tip you over."

By LTG

Fake New York Theater School. Idiot Rachel and Cassie July are walking toward the dance studio while Cassie July berates Rachel for her general inadequacy as a dancer. And that hallway is awfully crowded for six in the morning. There's an even bigger crowd when they get to the studio -- it's full of students. And they're there for Rachel's "mid-term," which is actually a performance to wish her well on her audition. Because that's apparently the Fake New York Theater School tradition. Oh, and it's a performance of "Uptight (Everything's Alright)," sung by Cassandra July. But it's also still a mid-term, I guess. Although Rachel's half-assed dancing hardly seems like it deserves a passing grade. As the song finishes, Cassie July leaves Rachel to celebrate with the other students. Commercials.

Music room. The kiddies take their seats as Mercedes, Mike and Kurt enter the room. Mercedes tells them that the lesson for the day is that the music industry is full of evil jerks who will want you to compromise your truth in the name of commerce. Not to be an evil jerk, but that's pretty much how every industry is. Because it's an industry. Anywho, Mercedes decided to stick with her own principles, which means she no longer has a record deal. But she does have a record that she can give to the New Directions and flog in every venue she can find. Which isn't really how the music industry works -- I'm quite certain Mercedes does not own the recordings she made in the studio on somebody else's dime. But what do I know, I'm just an evil jerk. This is all prelude for Will to point out that Mercedes is standing on "Higher Ground." Which is the song Mercedes proceeds to slay. As everybody with eyes has observed, she shows a hell of a lot more skin dancing around in a spaghetti-strap dress than the producer wanted her to show in her photo shoot. And this is one of the songs from this episode that I really like, partly because Mercedes really does kill it and also because it has some dynamic changes as it progresses.

Open on a filling in Mercedes' right maxillary second primary molar. We're deep in her mouth because she's working through a pointless run. We're in the music room, and she sums up the week's lesson for the kids by reminding them not to be scared and to show some passion. Artie gives a speech about passion which is clearly his thank you to Pretty Kitty.

Dance studio. Cassandra July is there, alone, when Rachel enters. She's got a gift -- something that some grifter told her was Debbie Allen's original cane from Fame (the movie, not the TV show). Rachel is there to thank Cassie for being such a good teacher and pushing Rachel to become a better dancer. First, I don't see any evidence that Rachel is really a better dancer. Second, didn't she just take a mid-term? Doesn't that mean she still has half a semester of dance class ahead of her? Whatever. In any case, Cassie July claims that she was such a bitch to Rachel because she could tell she was a special snowflake the instant she saw her the first day of class. Couldn't it be enough for Cassie July to not like Rachel but to just want to be a good teacher? Rachel asks if the "sleeping with Brody" thing was about making Rachel a better dancer. It was actually because he was a tasty piece of man meat. Rachel expresses her nerves, and Cassie tells her that she's confident Rachel will get the part.

McKinley hallway. Blaine and Kurt walk down the hall, and Blaine pulls Kurt aside to ask him something which Blaine claims will take a lot of courage to ask. Kurt tells him, "Go ahead. You get kind of cute when you get nervous." Ah, but Blaine is not about to propose -- instead, he asks Kurt if he'll stick around until Regionals the week. Kurt would love to because it's not like he has a school or an internship he needs to be at.

And then we're in the auditorium in time to see the New Directions, in very cute orange and yellow costumes, singing "For Once in My Life," with Artie on lead vocals. Before the song finishes, Mercedes, Kurt, Mike Chang and Will run up on stage and join in with the kiddies. As the song finishes, Pretty Kitty throws herself down onto Artie's lap.

LTG lives in Boston, where he's a full-time pension and insurance attorney and no longer a part-time recapper. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.

By LTG

LTG lives in Boston, where he's a full-time pension and insurance attorney and no longer a part-time recapper. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.