MINAAAAAAAAAAJ!

S04E16

In Ohio: In an effort to resolve the wholly immature slapfight now raging between Mr. Schue and Bloaty The Gravy Clown in the wake of last week's confession, Single-T Tina, Artie, and Dreamboat Blaine order the two gigantic infants to sing it out onstage at The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion, because Regionals are coming up in a few weeks, and the children need their so-called mentors to focus on what's really important. Naturally, several other interpersonal disagreements quite coincidentally flare up at the same time, so musical smackdowns involving Not-So-Unique, New Finn, Dreamboat Blaine, and Coach Sylvester also ensue, and in the end, a monstrously childish Mr. Schue sends Old Finn packing while Dreamboat Blaine finds himself on the bottom -- of Coach Sylvester's Cheerios pyramid -- when she succeeds in forcing him to honor a verbal agreement he made with her three months ago. For his part, New Finn gets off relatively easily, as all he has to do is apologize to Urethra Franklin, New Puck, and Stupid Boring New Idiozzzzzzzzzzzzz.

In New York: Santana Lopez finally figures out that Old Idiot Rachel's filthy whore of a boyfriend is, indeed, a high-priced fancy boy for wealthy socialites of a certain age, but when she threatens to expose him, he connives to have his girlfriend (and his girlfriend's accommodating gay pet) throw Santana out into the street. Of course, this is A Very Bad Move on Dean Geyer's part, indeed, for Santana promptly arranges a sting operation that somehow ends with Frankenteen lurching from a Manhattan closet to pimp-slap Malibu Midnight Cowboy into the middle of week, where I'm assuming Old Idiot Rachel will dump his frequently rented ass at some point during our exciting installment.

In Other News: New Finn's totally getting Te'oed by Not-So-Unique. Tell everyone you know!

Featuring "How To Be A Heartbreaker" by Marina And The Diamonds, as performed by Old Idiot Rachel and her filthy whore of a boyfriend; a medley of Elton John's "The Bitch Is Back" and Madonna's "Dress You Up," as performed by New Finn and Urethra Franklin; Paula Abdul's "Cold Hearted," as performed by Santana Lopez; another medley, this of "Bye Bye Bye" from 'N Sync and "I Want It That Way" by The Backstreet Boys, as performed by Mr. Schue and Bloaty The Gravy Clown; yet another goddamned medley, this mixing Mariah Carey's "I Still Believe" with Nicki Minaj's "Super Bass," as performed by Dreamboat Blaine and Coach Sylvester; and Tegan And Sara's "Closer," as performed by the children of The New New Directions.

Even before the lights properly fade up, an epic chorus swoops in from out of nowhere to pillage the soundtrack, and as the voices rise to fill us all with a sense of ominous foreboding, we're reminded of three key moments from episodes past: Bloaty The Gravy Clown abruptly hiking his tongue down Miss Pillsbury's throat, Coach Sylvester portentously announcing the bride's premature departure from the wedding ceremony, and Frankenteen foolishly confessing his supposed sin. Dun-dun-DUN!

Cut to the McKinley High music room, where Frankenteen and Mr. Schue have arranged themselves on a couple of the cheap seats in order to face a solemn tribunal composed of an icily regal Single-T Tina, a habitually affable Artie and a supernaturally peppy Dreamboat Blaine. "Thank you for agreeing to this sit-down," Artie begins. "We've all noticed the tension between you ever since Finn admitted he kissed Miss Pillsbury," Artie continues, and with that, we...

...smear sideways to the recent past. Frankenteen lumbers into the music room, mumbling apologies for his tardiness, with his back bowed under the heavy burden of several Lima Bean carry-out trays. "Here are the lattes Mr. Schue made me get everybody!" he calls out, sounding just a wee bit annoyed. Mr. Schue takes a sip from his cup, immediately detects an overabundance of mocha flavoring therein, and snippily sends the hapless Old Finn back to The Bean for a fresh batch. Bloaty The Gravy Clown gapes, and with that, we...

...smear sideways to the more recent past. "Sorry, Mr. Schue," an agitated Frankenteen blubs, "but all I did was pick up the vests!" "What's most upsetting," Mr. Schue snipes as he scratches away at an imaginary stain on one of his freshly dry-cleaned signature garments, "is that you actually think these vests are clean -- that it's okay to turn in subpar work!" Bloaty The Gravy Clown gapes, and with that, we...

...smear back to the present, where Single-T Tina coolly notes, "It's no surprise that Finn has been acting like he's losing his mind." And with that, we...

...smear sideways to the most recent past. "Great job, [New Finn]!" Mr. Schue shouts, rising to congratulate the impossibly broad-shouldered ukulele-sporting lunkhead in question. "See that, guys?" he continues. "Prowess on the football field and a terrific singing voice are not mutually exclusive!" Should I bother reminding everyone that Old Finn has generally sucked at both the football and the singing ever since we met him? Yeah, didn't think so. The camera zooms in on Frankenteen just in time to capture his massive freak-out as he lurches to his ungainly feet and shouts, "I can't take it anymore! It's bad enough you're treating me like your lackey, but I'm not gonna sit here while you fake-compliment [New Finn] just to hurt me!" Bloaty The Gravy Clown staggers from the choir room out into the hallway, intentionally upending a music stand as he goes, and with that, we...

...smear back to the present, where Dreamboat Blaine has scrawled "FEUDS!" upon the whiteboard. "You're feuding," he rather obviously points out, "and it needs to stop...so 'Epic Musical Feuds' is our theme." For the first time in Glee Club history, the children will be giving their "fearless leaders" an assignment for the week. As Artie puts it, Mr. Schue and Frankenteen will "explore and resolve" their differences by performing a song "inspired by a classic musical rivalry." "Regionals are coming up," Single-T Tina reminds everyone, "and if we're gonna have any chance of winning, we need both of you..." "...on the same page and on the same team," Dreamboat Blaine finishes for her. That the children of The New New Directions need either of these buffoons for anything is, of course, debatable, but we haven't time to go into all that at the moment, because the ominous and foreboding chorus has chosen this moment to drown out all thought and reason with its epic racket as Mr. Schue and Bloaty The Gravy Clown glare each other into this evening's title card.

Fake Drama School In New York, Cheap Student Health Clinic Division. The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway emerges from her hastily-scheduled appointment to greet the waiting Santana Lopez like so: "False alarm! Sorry! Time for class!" So much for that subplot. Those of you who bet on "Faulty Pee Stick" a month ago may collect your winnings from the cashier at the end of the episode. However, Santana does take this opportunity to encourage Old Idiot Rachel to "take a hard look at the choices" she's been making as of late -- starting with that filthy whore of a boyfriend of hers, of course -- so this scene's not a complete insult to the audience's collective intelligence, I suppose, and with that, we skip over to...

...the glamorous lobby of The Biltmore Hotel in Los Angeles, which I'm sure you'll all recognize from the video for Steve Perry's deathless mid-'80s classic "Oh Sherrie." Here, it's pretending to be some similarly swanky location in midtown Manhattan, and as the camera drops from the massive chandeliers to examine the tastefully attired cocktail hour crowd, it eventually lands on Old Idiot Rachel's filthy whore of a boyfriend himself. A fellow whore drops by for a little friendly shop talk, and then it's off to this evening's first musical number, an energetically performed version of "How To Be A Heartbreaker" from Marina And The Diamonds that features the various Biltmore boy toys getting tossed around the hotel by their exceptionally eager clients. To be fair, the Biltmore boy toys do a little enthusiastic tossing of their own, but only at their clients' request, of course. Dean Geyer's partner is a sassy and unusually flexible brunette who looks considerably older than the lobby's other featured clients -- all of whom are women, for some ridiculous retrograde reason -- and if this show thinks I'm gonna feel sorry for him because of her apparent age, this show can go fuck itself.

After a carefully choreographed trip upstairs in the elevators, everyone ends up in the stairwell together, mainly so this show can make an explicit visual reference to New Order's similarly themed "World" video, and then they're off down a particularly claustrophobic hallway to their respective rooms, where shutters are quickly drawn and beds promptly rumpled.

Meanwhile, over in Bushwick, Old Idiot Rachel gloomily warbles a couple of the song's lines to her cracked windowpane. If I were familiar with the lyrics at all, I'm sure I'd find her lonesome yodeling incredibly touching and meaningful, but I've never heard this nothing of a tune before tonight, so whatever.

And when it's over, Old Idiot Rachel's filthy whore of a boyfriend reminds his client that he's a cash-only kinda guy. The sassy brunette slides a couple of hundreds from her bra strap because that's a perfectly reasonable place to carry your money.

Coach Sylvester's Office, where the lady of the office has apparently been quite busy juicing carrots, and no, that is not a euphemism for something filthy. Thank God. And as she pours herself a refreshing cup of root vegetables, Coach Sylvester addresses her as-yet-unseen visitor like so: "Young Burt Reynolds, may I gently remind you that on Wednesday, December 5th, you joined The Cheerios, but you've been conspicuously absent from practice since Thursday, December 6th." The camera reverses to reveal a blank-looking Dreamboat Blaine perched on one of Coach Sylvester's guest chairs and, after a moment, he reminds the coach that "they" only joined because "they" thought The Glee Club was disbanding. "And yet you signed this legally-binding contract," Coach Sylvester counters, lifting a ream of paper into the air, "that clearly states on Page 43, Paragraph 7C-dash-9, 'Blaine Devon Anderson will provide said Cheerios duty at any and all pep rallies, assemblies, town meetings, state fairs, concerts, television programs, motion pictures, videogames, Republican National Conventions....'" "I never signed that," Dreamboat Blaine eventually interrupts. Ah, but his signature -- which looks suspiciously like Sue's handwriting -- says he did. Dreamboat Blaine attempts to protest the obvious forgery, but Coach Sylvester blithely blows right past his concerns to remind us all that Cheerios Regionals are fast approaching, and she needs "a shiny, non-sexually-threatening gay to hoist up some of the most gorgeous girls in America over his head, have a bird's-eye view of their baby oven, and not even be remotely interested." That gay, of course, would be Dreamboat Blaine. "...Thank you?" he ventures before politely declining her offer, as he's far too busy with Glee Club and Student Council.

By Demian

Cue the previously invisible Single-T Tina: "If you need me back, I guess I could do it." "Why are you even here?" Coach Sylvester asks. "Because you called me out of class?" Single-T Tina guesses. "You're dismissed," Coach Sylvester eyebrows, adding, "Go find a new boyfriend -- maybe Lance Bass is available. Or RuPaul." This is amusing because several major characters end up lip-synching for their lives this evening. Single-T Tina, of course, fails to see the humor, and as she eye-rolls her way out of the office, Coach Sylvester refocuses her attentions on Dreamboat Blaine like so: "Suit up, soldier!" Becky Jackson's arrived with Blaine's uniform in a box, and she kindly volunteers to help him put it on. Bamp-chicka-wow-wow. Dreamboat Blaine takes a moment to politely decline Becky's offer of assistance, then insists, "I'm not rejoining The Cheerios!" "Oh, you most certainly are," Coach Sylvester immediately shoots back, "or something very unfortunate will most likely be happening to you, extremely soon." "Are you threatening me?" Blaine bleats, incredulous. "Uh, yeah!" Becky duhs, slamming the uniform box into his abs while adding a perky "Get moving, bee-yotch!" for good measure. Dreamboat Blaine, temporarily flummoxed, retreats, but not before frisky Becky slaps him on the ass. Atta girl.

"He was way out of line," New Finn insists back in the present. "Didn't you tell me it was Feud Week in Glee Club?" New Finn's new Internet boyfriend asks through the computer screen. "Get your aggression out through song," New Finn's New Internet Boyfriend suggests, adding, "Challenge him to a duel." "Has anyone ever told you you're kind of a genius?" New Finn correctly types back, even though we've just spent two minutes watching him misspell "bear," "fries," "perfect," "swear," and "mistakes." Whatever, Glee.

Cut to The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion, and here we go: Mr. Schue arrives to rehearse this week's assignment with Bloaty The Gravy Clown, and because Mr. Schue's acting like a pissy-pantsed petulant teenager, and because Bloaty The Gravy Clown's been nothing but a monstrously self-involved asshole about this whole subplot this entire time, I'm going to speed through the scene that follows. You can thank me later. Long story short, Mr. Schue calls Frankenteen a pathetic loser -- which should by all rights endear him to me because: Obviously! -- and Bloaty The Gravy Clown mopes some more, and both of these douchebags can drop dead right this very second for all I care, and then we hit this evening's first commercial break.

My Ancestral Homeland. Santana arrives at The Improbably Bohemian Loft to find Dean Geyer's delicate underthings still littering the dining room table, so she unleashes a couple of snide remarks until Old Idiot Rachel's all but forced to tell her to knock it off. Her filthy whore of a boyfriend told her he got a job as a cater-waiter, so that's why he's always carrying around thick wads of cash. Santana scoffs at that explanation, and The Horrible Hooker gets screechy for a moment or two until Santana cuts through the crap with the following: "At this point, it's less about him than it is about you -- I went to school with Rachel Berry, not the soggy mess of a woman who stands before me today, going back and forth between your flop high-school ex and that terrifying 'waiter with a pager.' You need to stop and focus." Old Idiot Rachel, who'd been fluttering around the loft gathering her things for class in a blatant yet failed attempt to ignore what Santana's been saying, finally comes to rest long enough to cross her arms a bit too defensively and insist, "I think you're wrong about him." "My psychic Mexican third eye is never wrong," Santana replies, adding, "Am I wrong about you?" Rachel's wavering expression clearly says "No, not really, at all," but she remains silent until Santana decides to drop the issue for the time being and crosses to another section of the apartment. Rachel gazes bleakly after her for a second before heading off to school.

By Demian

...The Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High, where Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. From what I can hear over the sound of this storyline sucking, Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel makes nice again with New Puck, and when he tries to get her to freeze out New Finn, she refuses, because they have to work together as a teazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Slam over to the music room, where the first two contestants to lip-synch for their lives this evening are New Finn and Not-So-Unique, here performing a medley of Elton John's "The Bitch Is Back" and Madonna's "Dress You Up," with instrumental assistance provided by the normally-mute members of The William McKinley Jazz Ensemble, and occasional vocal assistance coming from the other children in The New New Directions. The most annoying thing about the subsequent performance is the fact that New Finn bangs away at the drums while singing just like Old Finn did back in the day because this show's utterly incapable of giving the new kids character traits of their own, but that's really the only bad thing I have to say about it. Well, that, and the fact that Not-So-Unique's dressed like a middle-aged librarian. Otherwise, it's a pretty fun number -- except for the bit where New Finn physically recoils when Not-So-Unique tries to tousle his hair at one point, which seems a little rude, though she shouldn't have invaded his personal space like that without some advance warning, so whatever -- and as they reach their final glory notes, Urethra Franklin playfully passes out plastic tiaras to the gang up in the cheap seats in what I'm assuming is an obvious ploy for their votes. Unfortunately, neither participant is declared the winner once it's done, mainly because we evidently need further proof that New Finn is an evil jackass.

When Dreamboat Blaine suggests they shake hands and "let bygones be bygones," New Finn immediately leaps to his feet to comply. Not-So-Unique, however, refuses to drop the matter until New Finn says she's a girl. "Look, I'm just so confused, okay?" New Finn complains. "Yesterday, you were dressed as a boy, today you're a girl -- what bathroom do you use? I mean, make up your mind." First off, there was nothing masculine about Urethra's outfit -- nothing -- so try again, New Finn. Secondly, everyone knows Not-So-Unique's a Novak girl, so whatever to the bathroom thing, and third, why is this suddenly an issue for him? Did he ever indicate he was uncomfortable with her before? Didn't everyone agree this whole supposed issue was settled long before these children even went to Sectionals this year? Was there absolutely no other manufactured conflict the writers could throw at New Finn to justify Blake Jenner's paycheck after both the learning disorder and the romantic triangle fizzled out? So many questions. And so much time for me to not care about any of them at all, especially since this idiotic subplot -- SPOILERS! -- gets tied up in a neat little bow long before this episode ends, so: Where the hell was I?

Oh, yeah: Not-So-Unique of course takes offense at New Finn's outrageous attitude, and as she stomps out of the room atop her hideously fugly pumps, New Puck snots something mean in New Finn's general direction. New Finn gapes.

Coach Sylvester's House Of Pain. The lady of the house casually mists herself with a bottle of Pink Friday as Becky Jackson enters from elsewhere in her closest approximation of the full Minaj regalia. "It's no secret you're Nicki Minaj's biggest fan," Coach Sylvester observes. "MINAAAAAAAAAAJ!" Becky bays by way of response, so I'm guessing that's a yes. This is a good thing, because Coach Sylvester is in desperate need of Becky's expert advice. You see, while she's got "wigs in every shade of Jell-O" and only the very best costumes from Lima's nonexistent circus museum, if she's going to triumph against Dreamboat Blaine, she "can't just be a mere mirage of Minaj." No, Coach Sylvester must become her. "Easy!" Becky replies. "Practice your Minaj face." There follows a full ten seconds of Coach Sylvester and Becky Jackson serving up Minaj Face for each other, and it is glorious.

up, it's time for Coach Sylvester to perfect her "Nicki Minaj Where-The-Hell-Did-That-Come-From Cuckoo-For-Cocoa-Puffs Crazypants Threat," so the two invade The Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High so Coach Sylvester might slam the lockers while screaming things like "I'm not puttin' up with Your Highness!" and "Off with your head!" and "Every time you patronize me, I will take it back!" and "I WILL KNOCK YOU OUT!" And while not one of those phrases is particularly amusing, Coach Sylvester's enthusiastic delivery of them meets with Becky's approval, which I suppose is all that really matters here. Oh, and also: Commercials!

Fake Drama School In New York, Temporarily Sober Dance Division. Old Idiot Rachel's filthy whore of a boyfriend leads a gaggle of glamorously déshabillée chorines through a routine until Santana Lopez materializes in the doorway, full of brass and attitude. "How did you get in here?" Dean Geyer demands. "Don't apply logic to Lopez," Santana breezily replies, sweeping past him to plant her fabulously attired self in the center of the room. Sniping ensues, until Santana finally lays it on the line: Old Idiot Rachel's filthy whore of a boyfriend will remove himself from The Improbably Bohemian Loft that very evening, or Santana will "dig a little deeper" and destroy him. "You're all talk and no proof," Dean Geyer snorts. "Don't need proof," Santana shrugs, adding, "I know exactly what you are," and...

...cue this evening's musical number! After calling out for backup from the various "Fly Girls" now littering the room, Santana saunters over to the stereo system, plugs in her product-placed iPhone, and starts blasting Paula Abdul's "Cold Hearted" through the speakers. During the routine that follows, Naya Rivera is of course fantastic, but even if I liked the song to begin with -- which I don't -- I feel like we've seen them rip off the original video's choreography at least a half a dozen times this season alone, so the whole thing leaves me feeling more than just a little bit unenthused. Again, not Naya Rivera's fault, nor can one blame The Fly Girls, who rather vigorously contort themselves around and atop the rolling scaffolding that someone quite fortuitously set up for them before this scene began, but still: Yawn. And when it's over, Santana struts over to a momentarily silent Dean Geyer to smile, "Pack your bags!" before vanishing from whence she came.

Cut to The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion, where the two contestants to lip-synch for their lives are Mr. Schue and Bloaty The Gravy Clown, and I am embarrassed for everyone involved with the crap that follows. It's another medley, of course, this of 'N Sync's "Bye Bye Bye" and The Backstreet Boys' "I Want It That Way," but the straight-up singing bits -- which are bad enough, because these songs suck -- are interspersed with these absolutely asinine fantasy knock-down drag-out brawling bits between the primary assholes concerned, and I just...I can't...NO. To all of it. Just: NO! I mean, we all know from years and years and years of evidence that Frankenteen's about as graceful as a club-footed moose with the dancing, so who the hell thought it would be a good idea to throw him into a heavily stylized fight sequence? GOD, I hate this show. And it's a shame, because they've rigged up some oversized marionette strings for Dreamboat Blaine, Mr. Schue, and New Puck to play around in for their half of the actual routine, and it seems like they missed a fantastic opportunity to go all-out insane with that idea in favor of...what, exactly? Yet another chance for Cory Monteith to look like a gigantic idiot? Lovely.

In any event, I'm guessing the absolutely asinine fantasy knock-down drag-out brawling bits are meant to be in Bloaty The Gravy Clown's head, because the impossibly unpleasant fistfight ends with the two combatants bro-ing it out up there on stage, and as the subsequent post-singing dialogue proves, Mr. Schue's none too eager to forgive and forget. Hurt and confused, Frankenteen blunders angrily from the stage to, like, drown a little girl, or something, while everyone else looks very sad, indeed.

I bet Emma just loves the fact that her private business got blasted all over the school, by the way. Remind me again why I'm supposed to sympathize with either of the men involved in this subplot?

Nah, don't bother -- I really don't give a shit.

Bushwick. Santana arrives at The Improbably Bohemian Loft with some wonderful news: She just got a job at the original Coyote Ugly Saloon!

Oh, wait a minute -- did I call that "wonderful" news? I meant the exact opposite. Sorry! Carrying on, then:

So, Santana arrives with her repugnant news to find Old Idiot Rachel and St. Gay Of Lima waiting rather hostilely for her in a pair of armchairs. "If you'd just take a seat, please," The Horrible Hooker frostily instructs, "and join us for a little family loft conversation?" "We just got off the phone with Brody," St. Gay carefully begins once Santana's warily planted herself. "Did you confront him at NYADA," he delicately inquires, "with a Paula Abdul song?" Well, when you put it like that, Kurt, of course it sounds ridiculous. "That was the best performance that place has seen in years," Santana defiantly snaps back. The Horrible Hooker and St. Gay Of Lima sigh and glance at each other for a second or two before St. Gay drops the bombshell: "We want you to move out." "You're joking," Santana immediately replies. "We're not," Old Idiot Rachel insists. Santana takes a very long moment to stare them down while collecting her thoughts, then unleashes the following: "Olsen Twins, let me tell you something: I have known you both for years, and I don't like either of you ninety percent of the time -- in fact, your wide-eyed, Keane-painting approach to life makes my teeth hurt and my breasts ache with rage -- but you know what? I have love for you. You're my family, and I haven't lied to you in months. I'm smarter about other people than the both of you -- you have to trust me." That was fabulous.

Unfortunately, Old Idiot Rachel doesn't seem to agree with me. "You're making Brody feel uncomfortable," The Horrible Hooker stupidly replies, "and he was here first, so you either lay off of it, or you move out." And with that, Old Idiot Rachel just signed her filthy whore of a boyfriend's death warrant. Hee. Santana does an admirable job masking her disappointment with the two of them and rises to take her leave, assuring them both that she'll be just fine on her own, thank you very much. In fact, she just ran into Lena Dunham that very afternoon at Barneys, and Lena Dunham told her she could crash at her place whenever she wanted to, so that's cool, 'cause she's got two Golden Globes, so there! And as she gathers up her pillow and her comforter and her rolling luggage to stride out the door, Santana adds a final and certain, "I'm right about Plastic Man!" before disappearing -- temporarily -- from their lives. "I'm pretty sure she just stole my comforter," Old Idiot Rachel sighs. "Bitch took my pillow," adds St. Gay. HA!

We return from this evening's commercial break to find New Finn chatting once more with his new Internet boyfriend in the school's library, and long story short, New Finn's New Internet Boyfriend persuades New Finn to reconsider his reactions as of late to Not-So-Unique's not-so-unique situation. "This Wade/Unique guy believes he's a girl," New Finn's New Internet Boyfriend argues, adding, "He doesn't need any proof -- it's his truth, and like what you said, what's true is true." And here would be the point where I initially became convinced that New Finn's actually chatting with Urethra Franklin herself. To be honest with you, I've been wavering a little bit on that since this episode originally aired, but I wouldn't be surprised in the least if that's where they ended up taking this whole thing. In any event, New Finn makes gushy noises with his typing fingers, then sends his New Internet Correspondent yet another shirtless photograph of himself before signing off. Moron.

Cut to the music room, where the final two contestants to lip-synch for their lives are Dreamboat Blaine and Coach Sylvester, and I think this is my favorite sing-off of the night. Not for Dreamboat Blaine's bit, of course -- he does some drippy and forgettable cover of Mariah Carey's drippy and forgettable "I Still Believe" -- but rather for Coach Sylvester's absolutely apeshit take on Nicki Minaj's "Super Bass," complete with an imported black-lit floor, scantily-clad backup dancers who look like they're about to throw out their hips, a glow-in-the-dark manicure, and clouds of fluffy pink feathers drifting through the air. She even scoots around the room on a miniature fluorescent motorcycle at one point, and I haven't even mentioned her hilariously hateful approximation of Nicki Minaj's actual hot-pink giraffe-print jumpsuit yet, have I? We clearly have a winner, here.

Of course, Coach Sylvester realizes this herself, as she proves with this triumphant announcement once the number's reached its delirious conclusion: "And that, ladies, gays, in-betweeners, and hags for life, is how it's done!" Dreamboat Blaine immediately protests that Coach Sylvester had him at an unfair advantage -- you know, what with her...oh, I don't know...overwhelming sense of showmanship, maybe? -- and Single-T Tina immediately and loudly agrees with him. Coach Sylvester's response? "Nobody ever said life was fair, Tina." She should win for that line alone. Also: I can't believe it's taken them three and a half years to throw a Mommie Dearest quote at Ms. Cohen-Chang.

By Demian

Nah, don't bother -- I really don't give a shit.

Bushwick. Santana arrives at The Improbably Bohemian Loft with some wonderful news: She just got a job at the original Coyote Ugly Saloon!

Oh, wait a minute -- did I call that "wonderful" news? I meant the exact opposite. Sorry! Carrying on, then:

By Demian

Afterwards, Dreamboat Blaine meets up with Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen. "Our nefarious plot to infiltrate the Cheerios and destroy Coach Sylvester from within is proceeding as planned!" they more-or-less assure each other, rubbing their hands together with fiendish amounts of delight. "Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Yeah, she's gonna squish them like a bug.

Biltmore Hotel. Old Idiot Rachel's filthy whore of a boyfriend enters one of the suites to find...Santana Lopez lying in wait for him on the bed! D'OH! "You can't tell Rachel," he immediately pleads with her, "please!" "Save it," she snaps back at him, adding, "I think there's someone more important that you should convince tonight." At that, Bloaty The Gravy Clown comes oozing out of the suite's bathroom, and no, I don't know why Santana would drag Frankenteen's "flop" ass all the way out to New York from Ohio for this confrontation, and yes, it would make far more sense for St. Gay Of Lima to come hopping out of the hotel's toilet at this point, but then we wouldn't get to watch Bloaty kick the living crap out of Old Idiot Rachel's filthy whore of a boyfriend, which is something absolutely everyone in the audience has been clamoring to see for months, am I right? AM I RIGHT?

Of course I'm not right. I really can't deal with this show at all sometimes. And to make matters much, much worse, as Frankenteen's quite literally knocking the snot out of Dean Geyer, he actually shrieks, "Stay away from my future wife!" right in Dean Geyer's face, which is just all kinds of creepy and possessive and gross, and if there are idiot fangirls out there who find that gesture romantic, I don't want to know, because knowing would mean I'd have to hunt down and slap each and every single one of those dipshits, and who the hell has time for something like that?

And when Frankenteen's positively psychotic rage has finally run its course, he stumbles from the suite, leaving a wide swath of wreckage in his wake. I hope Santana put the room deposit on Bloaty's credit card, because seriously: Fuck that guy.

And now it's time for this evening's happy-happy joy-joy end-of-episode romp through the auditorium! The song tonight is Tegan And Sara's "Closer," which is about fucking, which makes it especially hilarious when New Finn wails several of the lines directly at Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen and Artie, because no, New Finn, neither of those boys wants to have sex with you.

By Demian

In any event, Kitty pops her head in just in time to hear Urethra tell of an unfortunate incident wherein she was nearly assaulted by a roving pack of hateful bitches, and here's something that didn't occur to me until right this very instant: Not-So-Unique's near-assault flashback was presented to us in washed-out tones of grey and beige, rather than the traditionally vibrant colors we're used to seeing on this series. Do you think that means she's making it up? Or am I reading too much into that particular visual choice because a lie here from Urethra would be so much more interesting than yet another woeful tale of teenage martyrdom from this goddamned show? I just saw St. Gay Of Lima, honey, and he's not coming down from that cross anytime soon, so I don't know where you think you're gonna nail your hands.

Anyway, where the hell was I? Oh, yes: So, Kitty arrives on the scene just in time to hear of Not-So-Unique's unfortunate encounter with that roving pack of hateful bitches, and she asks, "Do those bitches go to this school? 'Cause if so, I want their names so I can put Nair in their shampoo bottles." Atta girl. Needless to say, Kitty's kind offer of assistance comes as a complete surprise to Urethra, so Kitty explains, "Look, I don't know if it's because I'm dating Puckerman, which makes it really hard to judge anyone, and I will deny it outside in the real world, but yes: We're friends, and we're in this together." "I'm a winner," she tells the others, "and I want to win Regionals, so we need to cut the crap, end the fighting, and tighten up so we can win this." But Kitty, that crap is all you guys have going for you at the moment. I mean, your sentiments are very nice, I'm sure, but without all of the manufactured drama, you new kids would have no drama at all. You'd all be even more pointless than you are now, and is that what you really want for yourselves?

Yeah, you don't have to answer that one either, doll. I'm sure I don't care.

Coach Sylvester's House Of Pain. Coach Sylvester herself compliments Dreamboat Blaine on his new form-fitting polyester daywear, then announces that, to prove there are no lingering resentments on her part, she's making him co-captain of the squad with Becky. Becky plants a great, big, sloppy wet one on Dreamboat Blaine's lips in celebration of his promotion, and when she's done, Coach Sylvester sits to reveal the real reason behind their shared subplot this evening: "Let this be a life lesson to you -- one that you'll remember twenty years from now when you're playing 'Uncle Nubbins' on a Suite Life Of Zack And Cody reboot -- that the real world is nothing like The Glee Club, where you can join and rejoin and quit and requit whenever you're not crying or throwing confetti at each other. Because in the real world, there are commitments, and you're only as good as your word." She takes a moment to let all that sink in, then rises to push her face into his while demanding, "Blaine Devon Anderson: Do I have your word that you are fully committed to my team?" Dreamboat Blaine nods his head around. "WHAT?" Becky screams. "SHE CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Hee. "Yes, you have my word," Dreamboat Blaine confirms. Coach Sylvester tells him to be in the gym that afternoon for his first practice, then tosses him a thong because he's currently working on some severe panty lines in those tight pants of his.

By Demian

Or do they? Before we cut away to black for the final time this evening, we first head back to the school's library, where New Finn's Mysterious Internet Correspondent is once again peppering him with questions about his life, and who knows? It just might be Artie and Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen on the other end of these IMs.

Yeah, no, it's totally Not-So-Unique. Or Sandy Ryerson. Please let it be Sandy Ryerson.

Anyway, their online flirtation finally reaches the point where New Finn asks his Mysterious Internet Correspondent if they can meet in person, whereupon New Finn's Mysterious Internet Correspondent immediately logs off. That's not suspicious at all! And as a strange howling arrives on the soundtrack to suck hapless New Finn into the void, we at long last cut to black.

week, Santana finally tells Rachel her boyfriend's a WHOOOOOOORE. Does Santana also tell Rachel her flop high-school ex is in town? Tune in to find out!

Demian's breasts ache with rage. You may reach him at demian_twop@yahoo.com.