In positively earth-shattering news, Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen stumbles across evidence indicating The Swallows cheated at Sectionals by pumping themselves up with steroids for months before the competition. (Just go with it.) He presents his case to Dreamboat Blaine, the latter of whom agrees to take the matter to Bloaty The Gravy Clown once further investigation uncovers a willing witness who was booted from the Dalton Academy choir after refusing to participate in the super-scandalous doping scheme, and the boys decide this means The New New Directions will likely be heading to Regionals this year after all, because Lady Lips, Dreamboat Blaine, and Frankenteen have completely forgotten about that third vocal group who was present at this year's Sectionals, because Lady Lips, Dreamboat Blaine, and Frankenteen are morons.
In decidedly less earth-shattering news, absolutely everybody else on this show spends the entire hour moaning about their various relationship issues, and the following transpires: Old Puck totally does it with New Quinn, New Puck totally doesn't do it with Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel, Single-T Tina starts drooling over Dreamboat Blaine's rather fetching derriere, Dreamboat Blaine loses himself in Lady Lips's lady lipses, Lauren Zises returns for reasons I've yet to comprehend, The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway invites Dean Geyer to shack up with her without first asking her ever-suffering roommate about it, and St. Gay Of Lima falls head over heels for some filthy piece of fortysomthing Eurotrash who looks exactly like a rat-faced meth head I knew in Chicago. Wooooo! Way to go, Kurt!
Featuring "I Don't Know How To Love Him" from Jesus Christ Superstar, as performed by Single-T Tina; a gross hipster version of Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back" that makes me want to slap every single person involved until they're bleeding freely through every hole in their stupid heads, as performed by a bunch of people who need to drop dead; "Tell Him" by The Exciters, as performed by Brittany and Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel with fantabulously kicky backup provided by Sugar Motta, Single-T Tina, Not-So-Unique, and New Quinn; TLC's "No Scrubs," as performed Artie, Dreamboat Blaine, New Finn, Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, and Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name I Really Should Know By Now; "Alive And Kicking" by Simple Minds, as performed by Simple Minds; "Locked Out Of Heaven" from Bruno Mars, as performed by Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel and Urethra Franklin with an assist from Brit-Brit, Sugar, and Tina; and The Flamingos' arrangement of Warren and Dubin's "I Only Have Eyes For You," as winningly performed by New Finn, who's turning into quite the scrummy little bit of deliciousness as of late.
"I'm telling you, it's been keeping me up at night!" Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen shouts as he and Dreamboat Blaine race through McKinley High's crowded halls to the tune of some low and ominous horns on the soundtrack. "Something weird's going on with The Warblers," he continues with an intense sense of urgency, adding, "They're doing all those weird flips and superhuman jumps at Sectionals!" Sam also notes that portly pepperpot Trent Warbler apparently vanished from the team right before the big performance, a disappearance that we all should know is terribly suspicious indeed. "So... what are you saying?" Dreamboat Blaine wonders once Lady Lips has finally given him a chance to speak. "I think they cheated at Sectionals!" Lady Lips solemnly intones. "You can't make accusations like that without any kind of evidence," Blaine points out, leading Lady Lips to all but scream, "Then I'll find some evidence!" right there in the middle of the hallway. Then, as is his apparent wont, Lady Lips abruptly switches gears to wonder if Blaine might have some soothing balm he could spare. "Conspiracy theories make my lips get all chapped," Lady Lips explains, because that makes sense. After an awkward pause that I initially misinterpreted as Blaine's extreme reluctance to have Sam slobber all over his ChapStick, Blaine passes him a handy tube, and then watches with a wee bit too much interest as Sam smears several layers of camphor-infused wax all over the vasty expanses of his enormous mouth. Eventually, Single-T Tina and Sugar Motta pop up from out of nowhere to drag them both into...
...a Student Council meeting, chaired, of course, by Student Council President Dreamboat Blaine. He first asks for a reading of the meeting's minutes -- Student Council Vice President Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen spent the entire forty-five minutes performing a Daniel Craig impersonation, according to Student Council Secretary Single-T Tina -- and he's about to review the budget with Student Council Treasurer Sugar Motta when Single-T Tina interrupts to announce the following: "It is now officially a hundred and forty-two days 'til prom, where all the hot girls get immediately snatched up by all the hot guys, and the sort-of hot girls get asked out by the sort-of hot guys and then all the rest of us have to sit around and wait for all the nerds and the freaks and the burnouts and the losers to work up some courage and ask us out to the most awkward night of heavy petting we're likely to get until we wake up in a nursing home getting groped by an orderly." Blaine graciously allows Lady Lips to interject something kindhearted yet vaguely insulting before wondering if Tina's rant has a point. "I propose the first annual McKinley High Sadie Hawkins dance," Tina smiles proudly, expositing that that the topic was the main item of discussion during "the last meeting of The Too Young To Be Bitter Club." Naturally, this kicks us into a sideways smear to...
By Demian
...the relevant meeting of the club in question, whose all-female members include Single-T Tina, Sugar Motta, Dottie Kazatori, Becky Jackson, that intriguing mute Cheerio with the neck brace and erstwhile Old Puck main squeeze Lauren Zizes, who I guess is still enrolled even though we haven't seen her in a year and a half. Shouldn't she have graduated already? In any event, the assembled ladies bemoan their nonexistent love lives for a bit, and I especially don't care about that crap this time around because they all seem especially eager to cast themselves as passive victims here for whatever asinine reason, so it's back to...
...the present, where Single-T Tina promptly puts her proposal to a vote, winning easily with the support of most of those present. Dreamboat Blaine, bless him, clearly has issues with all of this retrograde heteronormative bullshit, but before he gets a chance to voice his objections, this evening's title card sneaks up to slap the bronzer clean off his face.
Fake Drama School in New York. St. Gay Of Lima, who's wearing a $325 hoodie enters what appears to be The Temporarily Sober Dance Division to offer us all a voiceover regarding his initial impressions of college life, and to his evident disappointment, "It's just like high school." As the new boy in town, he's found himself once again at the bottom of the social pyramid, and while he assumed that he and Old Idiot Rachel "would be as inseparable as the twins in Side Show, "she's always rushing off to help Brody with something that requires him to be shirtless." By now, the camera's led us over to the interior of Fake Drama School in New York's student union building and as St. Gay trails along behind her, the hyperactive Horrible Hooker Of Broadway herself babbles something about Dean Geyer's impending audition for Magic Mike: The Musical before vanishing, leaving St. Gay alone to peruse the handy extracurriculars board in search of his primary storyline for this evening. He briefly ponders the relative benefits of joining such student-run associations as "The Elizabethan Society" and "The Grand Guignol Club" before he catches sight of a brilliantly colored flyer and wonders aloud, "What's 'Adam's Apples'?" A British-sounding blur sweeps past to claim it's the "super-fun NYADA show choir" and with that, we take our temporary leave of St. Gay to return to...
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
- 8
- 9
- 10
- 11
- 12
- 13
...The Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High, where Artie, Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, New Puck and New Finn chit-chat about the upcoming Sadie Hawkins dance for a bit until that intriguing mute Cheerio with the neck brace materializes to give New Finn and His Shoulders the eye. Atta girl.
Teachers' Lounge. Coach Beiste arm-wrestles one of her elderly colleagues into submission before turning to offer her sympathies to Old Finn over his recent loss of the music room. Bloaty the Gravy Clown leaps at this opportunity to mope that he's running out of ideas to keep the children engaged now that they've been disqualified from actual competitions for the remainder of the school year, so wise Coach Beiste suggests he take advantage of tonight's supposedly "empowering" Sadie Hawkins theme by having the Glee Gals do a Ladies' Choice. Quite naturally, Old Finn finds this an excellent idea and he wastes little time rushing to the group's meeting, where he tasks each Glee Gal with singing a song to the Glee Guy she'd like to take to the dance. Because attendance at this impromptu Winter Formal is now mandatory apparently and because God knows the Glee Gals can't socialize outside of this particularly restricted group of theirs. Whatever. Several romantically fraught glances immediately bounce around the room, but we'll deal with those later. Maybe.
Improbably Bohemian Bushwick Loft. St. Gay is modestly scandalized when Old Idiot Rachel enters the loft's early morning breakfast nook with news that Dean Geyer spent the night in her boudoir, but the real point of the conversation that follows is this: According to Rachel, St. Gay will be committing "social and career suicide" by joining Fake Drama School's show choir, as the college's "rigid performing arts hierarchy" that we've never heard about prior to this episode views Adam's Apples as "the lowest of the low" -- beneath stage managers even, for Christ's sweet sake. "If you do show choir in college," she darkly warns, "you might as well be doomed to a life of playing a dancing teapot at Disneyland." St. Gay gay-gasps while I try desperately to dredge up any kind of interest at all in this tiresome subplot. Didn't he already acquire a non-Rachel Manhattan social circle for himself over at Mode? So why is this a thing tonight, then? WHATEVER.
Meanwhile, back at McKinley, Bloaty the Gravy Clown's assembled both The Glee Club and The Glee Club's back-up orchestra in the boys' locker room for Single-T Tina's Ladies' Choice performance and with little further ado -- mainly because Coach Beiste needs the locker room back at 4:30 -- Tina takes the floor to perform her version of "I Don't Know How To Love Him" from Jesus Christ Superstar. "Who do you think she's asking?" Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen whispers to Artie, the latter of whom confidently replies, "The only obvious choice in the room: The charming, debonair figure from her past -- the forbidden love she let slip through her fingers!" "So... Unique?" Lady Lips guesses. I haven't a clue why I find that amusing, but I do. Hee!
Even more amusing is the actual identity of Single-T Tina's intended: Dreamboat Blaine. Oh, Tina! Not that I blame her, of course, but still. As soon as Tina launches herself into her terribly sweet rendition of the song, we swing through a series of flashbacks that detail the terribly sad birth and blossoming of her hopeless crush on the crunchy-haired gay boy, from the moment Blaine placed a friendly arm around her shoulders during a wacky bit of rambunctious teenage hijinks in the high school's cafeteria, to Tina doodling "Tina + Blaine = BLATINA 4 EVER" in her notebook, to Tina staring all dreamy-eyed at Blaine's denim-clad ass in Algebra class. Back in the locker room, she directs a laser-like focus on the utterly and hilariously oblivious object of her misplaced affections until even dumbass Bloaty the Gravy Clown realizes what's going on. After Tina finishes the number with a hopeful little smile on her face, Old Finn leads the assembled children in a rousing round of desperate-sounding applause, apparently hoping the noise will distract Tina from her doomed mission. This cunning ploy of Bloaty's doesn't work, of course, and Tina steps up to the still-clueless Blaine and asks him to the dance. "Um...no?" he warily replies, clearly both thrown and embarrassed by this delightfully squirm-inducing turn of events. "Thank you?" he adds, flummoxed. Poor Tina's face collapses into this evening's first commercial break and while I'm not particularly fond of the way Tina keeps getting dumped on over and over again, that sequence was the first time I've felt honestly engaged in anything that's been happening with this show's high school contingent in what feels like months, so good for them.
Fake Drama School in New York. St. Gay Of Lima stands once again all by his lonesome in front of the student union's handy extracurriculars board, only this time around, that British-sounding blur drops by long enough to properly introduce himself, and... yeah, I just can't with this twee little hipster douchebag. I re-watched this scene about five times trying to figure out if I was being way too harsh in the recaplet when I claimed he was a filthy piece of fortysomething Eurotrash who looks exactly like a rat-faced meth head I knew in Chicago, and after several lengthy minutes of deliberation I've come to the conclusion that he really is a filthy piece of fortysomething Eurotrash who looks exactly like a rat-faced meth head I knew in Chicago. If they're serious about lashing Meth Head Grandpa here to Kurt as a romantic interest for the rest of the season, my already low interest in Kurt's various comings and goings is extremely likely to vanish entirely.
ANY-way, Meth Head Grandpa introduces himself to St. Gay Of Lima as the "Adam" in "Adam's Apples" before proceeding to smack St. Gay up with the hard sell on the benefits of joining Fake Drama School in New York's show choir, going so far as to drag St. Gay into a nearby rehearsal space, where Meth Head Grandpa and his a cappella compatriots treat us all to a gross hipster version of Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back" that I simply refuse to watch a second time, because the whole thing -- the costumes, the arrangements, the too-precious choreography, the elaborately ornate facial hair on display -- makes me want to hurl until I'm spray-painting the walls of my apartment with my own blood. St. Gay, however, finds the performance absolutely delightful. So, you know: St. Gay can rot in Hell.
McKinley. Brittany meets up with Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel in the hall for a friendly chat, as she's noticed that Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel gets "a really sad look" on her face every time she glances in New Puck's direction, which must be pretty often if even our dear little dimwitted Brit-Brit's noticed it. Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel complains that ever since their Sectionals debacle, New Puck's been acting all weird and such, and she doesn't know what to do about it. Fortunately, Brit-Brit has a plan. "You need to find your power," she tells Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel, "and I'm gonna help you do that." With that, Brittany wanders on off down the hallway, all but forcing Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel to wonder, "Where are you going?" "We're gonna sing a song together," Brit-Brit explains with a bright smile on her face, "and the music usually starts when I say something like, 'It's Brittany, bitch!' or I do one of my magical turns!"
Cue Brittany's magical turn and when she's done, both she and Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel find themselves miraculously attired in a pair of kicky little bedazzled sky-blue '60s-style party dresses (with matching shoes, of course) as the opening notes of The Exciters' version of "Tell Him" by Bert Berns hits the soundtrack. Almost immediately, Single-T Tina, Sugar Motta, New Quinn and Not-So-Unique come prancing out of nearby classrooms in identical girl-group adornment to offer Brit-Brit and Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel a little backup, and the united Glee Gals proceed to give us all what might be the evening's most entertaining performance as they pony and twist and shake their tailfeathers through the room Old Finn's secured for today's choir rehearsal. I trash Stupid Boring Idiot New Rachel all the time, I know, but when the idiots responsible for the mess this show has become toss her a song that's in her wheelhouse -- as this one is -- Melissa Benoist can be charming as all hell.
And when it's over, Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel drops to one knee -- still in her fancy party dress, by the way -- to ask New Puck to the dance. His prompt acceptance of her invitation apparently breaks Brit-Brit's temporary spell, as Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel's back in her civvies when she rises from the floor, triumphant. And after Brittany and Sam predictably agree to attend the dance together, poor Single-T Tina shoots an absolutely filthy glare in the guilty-looking Dreamboat Blaine's direction. Heh. Meanwhile, that intriguing mute Cheerio with the neck brace has scaled the side of the building so she can give New Finn a flirtatious little wave through the window. Atta girl.
Afterwards, New Puck blithely wheels through the hall on his Razor scooter until New Quinn jumps out to tell him to "dump the bulimic loser" and escort her to the dance instead. "I thought you and Marley were friends now," New Puck frowns. "We are," New Quinn too-casually shrugs, "but I'm still gonna gaslight her every chance I get." Lovely. Not that I particularly care one way or the other, of course, but there you go. New Quinn then proceeds to offer New Puck a little something-something in return, if you know what I mean, which surprises him given the fact that New Quinn's always presented herself as "the good little Christian virgin type." New Quinn claims she's re-thought that particular life strategy and will now be putting out on the regular, thank you very much. Atta girl.
Elsewhere, Dreamboat Blaine futzes around inside his locker until Single-T Tina steps up behind him to apologize for putting him on the spot in the locker room the way she did. "I also think you sort of owe me an apology," she continues, "because that was maybe the most humiliating moment I've experienced in Glee Club and that's saying something." Oh, but it was a joy to watch, Tina. And it's resulted in the most screentime you've received since the middle of the second season, I think, so you might maybe want to thank him actually. In any event, Single-T Tina reminds those of us who have long since forgotten that Dreamboat Blaine got gaybashed at a Sadie Hawkins dance that one time, so she understands why he's averse to the whole concept. "That's not why I can't go to the dance with you," Blaine replies, overcoming what appears to be a crippling case of acute embarrassment to confess that he's currently nursing an impossible crush of his own on someone, and he therefore has no desire to attend a dance where "everyone's going to be romantic" except him. "Who is it?" Tina asks. Blaine hems and haws and stutters and stammers and tries desperately to dodge the question, but he eventually sinks to the floor and sighs, "It's Sam."
Smear sideways to a flashback in the McKinley library, where a frantic Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen bursts in on the quietly studying Dreamboat Blaine to present evidence of The Swallows' cheating ways, this in the form of a series of photographs depicting Ernst Blofeld's magically expanding head. "Maybe he started working out," Blaine shrugs. "By doing skull-widening exercises?" Sam howls, outraged. "Dude!" he shouts. "Human growth hormone! HGH! Same thing happened to Mark McGwire and Kirstie Alley, and Drew Carey and Star Jones, and Aretha Franklin and Cedric The Entertainer, and...." Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen's voice fades out as Dreamboat Blaine gets all pie-eyed at the sight of his dumbass beloved's mightily exercised lips and with that, we smear...
...back to the present, where Dreamboat Blaine bemoans his stupidity. Single-T Tina takes a seat beside him on the floor to commiserate for a bit for what I hope are obvious reasons, then decides that the best way for them to deal with their "very human and moving" dilemmas is by attending the dance together as "best friends." Because the script says he must, Blaine agrees. Also: Commercial.
Lima Bean. The Pucks chit-chat about New Puck's girlfriend troubles and, long story short, Old Puck promises to get New Quinn off New Puck's back. If you know what he means... and I think you do.
Manhattan. The Horrible Hooker of Broadway and St. Gay Of Lima stroll arm-in-arm down the sidewalk, nattering away at each other regarding their respective love lives or something, which leads to a series of quick flashbacks wherein Meth Head Grandpa tries to get into St. Gay's pants. I think. I mean, I'm pretty sure, but I'm not about to rewind and check, because as I believe I noted above: Gross. Anyway, back in the present, Old Idiot Rachel urges St. Gay to follow his bliss, then somehow manages not to get herself smashed into tiny little diva bits while blindly crossing Fifth Avenue against the light. Pity.
McKinley. And this is just embarrassing for everyone involved, so I'll cut through the crap and get to the point: Old Puck tells New Quinn to leave his brother alone and -- after some witty flirtatious banter that is in fact none of those things -- New Quinn invites Old Puck to the Sadie Hawkins dance as her date. Old Puck accepts, because he's turned into Matthew McConaughey for some stupid reason. And... scene!
thing we know, it's the evening of the big dance. Dreamboat Blaine and Single-T Tina swan into the elaborately decorated gymnasium attired in their very best eveningwear, even though you're supposed to dress like a cartoon hick at these goddamned things, and almost before they've had a chance to really complement each other on the general sartorial excellence of their respective event-inappropriate attire, Artie wheels himself to the center of the gym's jury-rigged stage to dedicate a very special performance to "all the powerful women out there." The Glee Guys -- minus New Puck for whatever bizarre reason -- proceed to perform TLC's "No Scrubs," and as it's pretty much a no-frills cover of the original, I have little to say about it. So little, in fact, that I'll be zipping through both the song and this evening's commercial break to...
...join Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel and New Puck on the gym's dance floor, where we find them bopping away to Ian Axel's "Girl I Got A Thing" while discussing their boring relationship issues and as I continue not to care about the mind-bendingly dumb romantic entanglements on this show, I'll instead note that Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel's outfit for this evening's festivities set her back about $400, so I guess she finally sold her goddamned $25,000 watch.
Elsewhere, Dottie Kazatori, Lauren Zizes, Sugar Motta and a half-dozen or so other supposed wallflowers languish unnoticed on the gym's bleachers until Coach Beiste stops by to offer them all a few sage words of advice and encouragement I'll not be bothering to transcribe. In a directorial choice that's more straight-up strange than anything else, this leads into a montage set to Simple Minds' "Alive And Kicking" wherein Lauren and Sugar and St. Gay Of Lima get up the nerve to successfully ask Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name I Still Can't Be Bothered To Look Up and Artie and Meth Head Grandpa for a little alone time, and when all that's over and done with, we hop back over to see what's up with Blaine and Tina. As expected, he's being his usual gallant and dreamy and perfectly coiffed self, which only serves to send Single-T Tina spiraling ever deeper into her depressingly hopeless adolescent crush on him, and I really do feel just the teensiest bit bummed out for her when an overly excited Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen arrives on urgent Glee Club business to drag Dreamboat Blaine into this evening's commercial break. Oh, Tina!
Gym. The Glee Gals -- minus New Quinn, for whatever bizarre reason -- have assumed control of the jury-rigged stage and, after the briefest of introductions, they propel themselves into their version of "Locked Out Of Heaven" from Bruno Mars. And it's a hell of a lot of fun, shockingly enough -- especially considering the fact that I'm not the hugest Bruno Mars fan -- and it easily comes in a very close second for the performance of the episode. It's been a good night for those Glee Gals, yes? Still don't know what's up with Not-So-Unique's gown and accessories, though. And why the hell has she been relegated to singing back-up all night, anyway? Who was her Ladies' Choice, huh? I mean, if they gave her a romantic storyline on this show, I'd hate it as much as I hate all of the others, but not including her in this evening's primary festivities does seem like a glaring omission, no?
Whatevs. It's not like I'm all that invested in any of this, so moving on: When the song's over, we head over to see what's going on with Old Puck and New Quinn and after some more witty flirtatious banter that is in fact none of those things, the two head back to her car to -- as New Quinn herself puts it -- "have at it in the backseat." Atta girl.
Locker Room. Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen and Dreamboat Blaine present Bloaty the Gravy Clown with further evidence of The Swallows' filthy, cheating ways, with Lady Lips noting that "half The Warblers have gained ten pounds of muscle since they joined the team." Old Finn's already investigated the matter, however, and he discovered that The Swallows actually stole a "weight-training regimen" from the long-lost Vocal Adrenaline, and that everything therefore seems to be on the up and up. Blaine and Sam heatedly counter that, according to what they've read online, no one can gain that much muscle mass without some sort of steroid abuse and as proof of that, Lady Lips shows Bloaty a surreptitiously shot video featuring one of Dalton Academy's finest pitching an almighty 'roid rage in the middle of The Lima Bean when some hapless barista mistakenly puts Splenda in his latte. And while Frankenteen tries to absorb that piece of evidence as best he can, Dreamboat Blaine directs his attention to Chapter 7, Subsection 16, Rule 4, Line 9 of the Official Show Choir Rule Book: "Any team using performance-enhancing drugs -- including amphetamines, anabolic steroids, human growth hormone or Four Loko -- will be automatically disqualified from competition." "The rule's retroactive," Blaine helpfully points out, "so if we can prove they used at Sectionals, they'll have to forfeit and we'll win." "Actually, The Rosedale Mennonites will win," Bloaty the Gravy Clown does not remind them, because he's an idiot. Instead, Old Finn waffles and wavers and eventually whines, "What you are asking me to do here is beyond serious -- [The Swallows] are, like, one of the most respected glee clubs in the country. To accuse them of this? When all we have for proof is photos of some dudes' heads and a cell phone video?" "Look," he sighs, "I want Glee Club back as much as you guys, but this isn't enough. We need more real proof."
Fortunately, Dreamboat Blaine and Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen have that one covered. They snap their fingers in unison and the elusive Trent Warbler materializes at the far end of the locker room. Blaine tracked him down after Sam pointed out his Sectionals absence, you see, and convinced him to head over to Lima to share his sordid tale of boarding school sadness, woe and regularly scheduled ass injections with Bloaty the Gravy Clown. As Blaine and Sam suspected, Ernst Blofeld and Sebastian the Predatory Homosexual have been plying The Swallows with illegal substances -- at times even directing them to suck the steroids straight from the needles, even though I'm pretty sure that's not how they work -- and when Trent Warbler balked, Ernst and Sebastian threw him out of the club. "If I go public with this," Trent Warbler frets, "then [The Swallows'] reputation? It's ruined forever -- years of honorable melodies and harmonies, all forgotten!" Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen emphatically counters that The Swallows' reputation was ruined the instant they decided to cheat and Old Finn wraps this simply enthralling segment up by asking of Trent, "Will you do this? Will you testify against The Warblers?" Dramatic strings thrum on the soundtrack as the camera pushes in close to Trent Warbler's troubled face, but alas! This evening's commercial break overwhelms him before he's able to blurt out his answer.
My Ancestral Homeland. The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway carefully sets out dinner for two, then turns into a shrieking, vicious, harpy nightmare when Dean Geyer has the unmitigated gall to arrive at her apartment 45 minutes late because the MTA blew up again. And as I want nothing more at this moment than to yank her up by her fried extensions and push her shrill hag face through one of her exposed brick walls, I'll be skipping through most of what follows to get to the point: They eventually kiss and make up and she invites him to move in with her, even though they've only been dating for all of two weeks and even though she already has a goddamned roommate. SHUT UP, RACHEL.
Meanwhile, back at the dance, New Finn's taken to the temporary stage by himself to serenade the crowd with The Flamingos' arrangement of Warren and Dubin's "I Only Have Eyes For You." Out on the floor, various couples make irritating schmoopy noises at each other, most notably New Puck and Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel, but I'll be focusing on Dreamboat Blaine and Single-T Tina instead, thanks very much. As she pouts by the refreshments, feeling particularly sorry for herself, he returns from his recent super-secret locker room summit with the delightful news that he and Sam might just have saved The Glee Club after all. So, you know, I guess Trent Warbler agreed to testify against Dalton. Yay? "Is there anything you can't do?" Tina swoons, all starry-eyed, with little cartoon hearts practically swirling through the air around her foolishly smitten head. There is no way in hell this is gonna end well. Whee! Blaine leads Tina into the middle of the crowd for one last celebratory slow dance, but unfortunately for her, he can't keep his eyes off Sam and there's no way in hell that's gonna end well either. HOORAY! Both Blaine and Tina are complete frigging morons for allowing all of this to happen, of course, but just this once, I'm not particularly inclined to scream at them about it. Naturally, that'll change the instant these storylines drag on for too long, which should probably happen about midway through week's episode, but for now? Sigh.
And in the very, very end, the ladies of McKinley High's short-lived Too Young To Be Bitter Club meet one last time to disband their little group, because the dance was such a smashing success. So I guess you can kiss Lauren Zizes goodbye for another year and a half. Was there supposed to be a point to her return in the first place?
week, the Glee Guys take off their shirts. I'm pretty sure that's all the inducement most of you will need to tune in. Have fun!
The only thing Demian remembers about high school dances is that they blew. You may reach him at demian_twop@yahoo.com.
Think you've got game? Prove it! Check out Games Without Pity, our new area featuring trivia, puzzle, card, strategy, action and word games -- all free to play and guaranteed to help pass the time until your show starts.