Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | 1 USERS: B+ YOU GRADE IT A Hard Pill to Swallow
By Demian | Season 4 | Episode 11 | Aired on 01.24.2013
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.In positively earth-shattering news, Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen stumbles across evidence indicating The Swallows cheated at Sectionals by pumping themselves up with steroids for months before the competition. (Just go with it.) He presents his case to Dreamboat Blaine, the latter of whom agrees to take the matter to Bloaty The Gravy Clown once further investigation uncovers a willing witness who was booted from the Dalton Academy choir after refusing to participate in the super-scandalous doping scheme, and the boys decide this means The New New Directions will likely be heading to Regionals this year after all, because Lady Lips, Dreamboat Blaine, and Frankenteen have completely forgotten about that third vocal group who was present at this year's Sectionals, because Lady Lips, Dreamboat Blaine, and Frankenteen are morons.
In decidedly less earth-shattering news, absolutely everybody else on this show spends the entire hour moaning about their various relationship issues, and the following transpires: Old Puck totally does it with New Quinn, New Puck totally doesn't do it with Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel, Single-T Tina starts drooling over Dreamboat Blaine's rather fetching derriere, Dreamboat Blaine loses himself in Lady Lips's lady lipses, Lauren Zises returns for reasons I've yet to comprehend, The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway invites Dean Geyer to shack up with her without first asking her ever-suffering roommate about it, and St. Gay Of Lima falls head over heels for some filthy piece of fortysomthing Eurotrash who looks exactly like a rat-faced meth head I knew in Chicago. Wooooo! Way to go, Kurt!
Featuring "I Don't Know How To Love Him" from Jesus Christ Superstar, as performed by Single-T Tina; a gross hipster version of Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back" that makes me want to slap every single person involved until they're bleeding freely through every hole in their stupid heads, as performed by a bunch of people who need to drop dead; "Tell Him" by The Exciters, as performed by Brittany and Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel with fantabulously kicky backup provided by Sugar Motta, Single-T Tina, Not-So-Unique, and New Quinn; TLC's "No Scrubs," as performed Artie, Dreamboat Blaine, New Finn, Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, and Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name I Really Should Know By Now; "Alive And Kicking" by Simple Minds, as performed by Simple Minds; "Locked Out Of Heaven" from Bruno Mars, as performed by Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel and Urethra Franklin with an assist from Brit-Brit, Sugar, and Tina; and The Flamingos' arrangement of Warren and Dubin's "I Only Have Eyes For You," as winningly performed by New Finn, who's turning into quite the scrummy little bit of deliciousness as of late.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!"I'm telling you, it's been keeping me up at night!" Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen shouts as he and Dreamboat Blaine race through McKinley High's crowded halls to the tune of some low and ominous horns on the soundtrack. "Something weird's going on with The Warblers," he continues with an intense sense of urgency, adding, "They're doing all those weird flips and superhuman jumps at Sectionals!" Sam also notes that portly pepperpot Trent Warbler apparently vanished from the team right before the big performance, a disappearance that we all should know is terribly suspicious indeed. "So... what are you saying?" Dreamboat Blaine wonders once Lady Lips has finally given him a chance to speak. "I think they cheated at Sectionals!" Lady Lips solemnly intones. "You can't make accusations like that without any kind of evidence," Blaine points out, leading Lady Lips to all but scream, "Then I'll find some evidence!" right there in the middle of the hallway. Then, as is his apparent wont, Lady Lips abruptly switches gears to wonder if Blaine might have some soothing balm he could spare. "Conspiracy theories make my lips get all chapped," Lady Lips explains, because that makes sense. After an awkward pause that I initially misinterpreted as Blaine's extreme reluctance to have Sam slobber all over his ChapStick, Blaine passes him a handy tube, and then watches with a wee bit too much interest as Sam smears several layers of camphor-infused wax all over the vasty expanses of his enormous mouth. Eventually, Single-T Tina and Sugar Motta pop up from out of nowhere to drag them both into...
...a Student Council meeting, chaired, of course, by Student Council President Dreamboat Blaine. He first asks for a reading of the previous meeting's minutes -- Student Council Vice President Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen spent the entire forty-five minutes performing a Daniel Craig impersonation, according to Student Council Secretary Single-T Tina -- and he's about to review the budget with Student Council Treasurer Sugar Motta when Single-T Tina interrupts to announce the following: "It is now officially a hundred and forty-two days 'til prom, where all the hot girls get immediately snatched up by all the hot guys, and the sort-of hot girls get asked out by the sort-of hot guys and then all the rest of us have to sit around and wait for all the nerds and the freaks and the burnouts and the losers to work up some courage and ask us out to the most awkward night of heavy petting we're likely to get until we wake up in a nursing home getting groped by an orderly." Blaine graciously allows Lady Lips to interject something kindhearted yet vaguely insulting before wondering if Tina's rant has a point. "I propose the first annual McKinley High Sadie Hawkins dance," Tina smiles proudly, expositing that that the topic was the main item of discussion during "the last meeting of The Too Young To Be Bitter Club." Naturally, this kicks us into a sideways smear to...