Cheese Is The Word

S04E05

Artie, aware that Finn is an emotional wreck, visits him in the tire shop and persuades him to sign on as co-director of the musical (Grease, as selected in some episode). Finn's nervous at first, but after a pep talk from Coach Beiste, he recruits Bland New Guy (whose name may be Rider, but that seems too ridiculous) to audition for the male lead. Artie also recruits Mercedes and Mike Chang to come back to school to act as choreographer and vocal coach. The big conflict is driven by Finn's desire to cast Not-So-Unique as Rizzo in the show, to Sue's dismay. She tries to get Figgins to intervene, but Finn won't back down.

There's also an insane amount of teenage jealousy floating around. Marley seems into Bland New Guy, which just causes New Quinn to set her eyes on him. Meanwhile, New Puck is trying to pretend that he's not insanely jealous of the attention Marley is giving Bland New Guy. The end result is that New Puck and New Quinn audition for the musical, and end up competing with Marley and Bland New Guy for the same roles. And the winners are Marley and Bland New Guy.

In the meantime, Will and Emma are at loggerheads about whether she'll join him in Washington. After some unofficial counseling from Coach Beiste, Emma agrees to go. But Beiste knows she's really not into it, and encourages her to be honest with Will. So she is, and they work it out. And Will arranges with Figgins for Finn to take over the glee club.

Oh, and Blaine is totes depressed about the breakup with Kurt. And Tina is overwrought at seeing Mike. All the standard teenage romantic angst.

Featuring Foreigner's "Jukebox Hero," performed by Finn and Bland New Guy; Neon Trees' "Everybody Talks," performed by New Puck and New Quinn; Pink's "Blow Me (One Last Kiss)," performed by Marley and Not-So-Unique (a.k.a. Urethra Franklin); and a couple of songs from Grease.

Finn is working at Burt's tire shop, looking kind of blue-collar sexy in his jumpsuit. Artie visits him to see how he's doing. Finn's doing as you'd expect -- he's realized he's a total failure at everything in life. Artie thinks Finn is too good for self-pity, but Finn (and the audience) know he's not really too good for anything. Artie invites Finn to be his co-director for the musical, since Grease was Finn's idea. Finn begs off, but caves after Artie holds the entire show hostage by claiming that he'll quit as director if Finn doesn't get on board. Well, at least this will give Finn an excuse to hang around the high school without looking like a total pervert. Title card.

Hallway. Sam is at the bulletin board, signing up for auditions for the musical. There are a bunch of other names on the list, none of which we'll ever hear anything about. Sam asks Blaine, standing beside him, if their rank as Student Council President and Vice-President don't give them some pull in getting their desired roles, but Blaine's not even sure he wants to audition. And that's because he has the sadz since Kurt dumped him after Blaine admitted cheating. Kurt won't speak to him, and returned his peace offering of the Gilmore Girls box set unopened. Amusingly, Kurt and Blaine's long-term plan was to retire in Provincetown and live in a lighthouse. So they planned to become garden gnomes? Sam tells Blaine that he'll get through the heartbreak and walks away. And then Blaine sings "Hopelessly Devoted to You," from Grease (duh) as he walks down the hallway. And really, he is hopelessly devoted to Kurt... except for that one time he screwed around with that other guy. Not so devoted at that particular moment. After Blaine spends some time looking through his Kurt scrapbook, we see him singing on the bleachers while watching football practice. The director makes a really unfortunate decision to shoot Blaine in close profile as he sings some of the biggest notes and his chin is just -- unpleasantly protuberant. It's not a good look. After walking through the middle of the football team's practice session, he finishes the song on the auditorium stage, auditioning for Artie and Finn. They love the performance, and think he'll make a great Danny Zuko. But Blaine breaks down in tears and tells them he can't play the lead in a love story while he feels the way he does. But when they ask him if can play any part, he tells them he can probably manage Teen Angel.

By LTG

Finn thinks the idea of him directing is a bad one, so he leaves the auditorium. Artie rolls after him and tells him that he has to just trust his instincts. And also that he has to surround himself with the most talented assistants possible, which in this case means recruiting Mercedes and Mike Chang to help out with the show as vocal coach and choreographer respectively. Fortunately, these two alumni have both been able to break away from their respective colleges and/or jobs to come back to Ohio for this adventure, because they walk up behind Artie just as Artie finishes telling Finn what they'll be doing. It's a happy reunion all around.

Emma and Will are sitting in chairs to each other in some tastefully appointed therapist's office for some couple's counseling, trying to work out the question of whether Emma will join Will in DC while he serves on the blue ribbon panel on arts funding for schools. Except the therapist is Coach Beiste and the tastefully appointed office is Will and Emma's living room. Will's kind of a dick, talking over Emma and barely letting her finish a sentence. Coach Beiste gives them advice that consists entirely of sports metaphors and neither of them understand what she's saying at all. Or maybe Will does understand a little bit, because he tells Emma that he made a mistake by just assuming that she would join him and then he gets down on one knee and asks her if she would at least consider coming to DC. And then she says she'll do it. And by "do it," she means that she'll just cave in and go to DC, not that she'll think about it. Coach Beiste, miracle worker.

It's a meeting of the musical creative staff in the choir room. Mercedes points out that they have plenty of choices for the role of Sandy, but may have problems casting Danny if Blaine refuses to do it. Sam's out, because he has his heart set on Kenickie. No Longer New Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name Demian Can't Be Bothered To Look Up is out because he won't cut his gross hair and the only wig in the world big enough to cover up that hair is already being worn by Lady Bunny. And Jake (a.k.a. New Puck) isn't auditioning. Finn can't understand why they can't find a dude to play the lead and Mercedes reminds him that back when the show first started, they had trouble finding a dude to sing the lead in New Directions. Which is why, as Mercedes reminds him, Will had to go looking to find someone like Finn. Does this mean that Finn is going to start lurking in the locker room to find people with good voices? Because that would be an episode I could really get behind.

By LTG

Instead of locker-lurking, Finn goes out onto the football field during practice to ask Coach Beiste if she thinks there are any guys on the team who might have the skill to be in the musical. Unless the coach has integrated musical warm-ups into team drills, I'm not sure why he thinks she would have any idea if any of the players can sing or dance. The coach also gives him more BS about how special he is. Finn notices one kid who catches a pass and does an elaborate breakdancing victory celebration and he asks the coach about him. His name is Ryder and he's a sophomore who transferred from another school after essentially flunking out, and based on his extended touchdown dance, he's got a serious and untreated case of ADHD. Also, he's the winner of the most recent season of The Glee Project. So I suspect we'll be seeing more of him. Commercials.

The Novak. Marley, applying makeup, is a little distressed to find Not-So-Unique, in boy drag, exiting a stall, but gets over it fast enough. Marley is, naturally, trying out for the role of Sandy. Unique isn't going to audition, because she's certain the directors will never give her the role she wants, which is Rizzo. Marley, peppy as ever, tells Unique to just audition and tell the directors what role she wants. And that's when Sue flushes the toilet and leaves a stall. She's full of insults and nicknames. For Unique, she comes up with "Tina Stomach Turner," which is only okay and "Urethra Franklin," which I find hysterical even though it makes absolutely no sense, as a urethra is something possessed by both men and women. Sue still can't come up with a nickname for Marley, eventually settling on "absolutely stunning, kind-faced, blue-eyed girl." Sue, she's wearing a newsboy cap -- surely that gives you something to work with? Sue doesn't thinks Unique should be allowed to play a female character and she makes it her cruel mission to ensure that never happens. But her bullying just makes Marley and Unique more determined to audition.

And they audition together, singing Pink's "Blow Me (One Last Kiss)." It starts out in the hallway (as per usual), but then they go to the stage. They both rocked up their looks, which means Marley doesn't look like such a gormless ingénue and Unique doesn't look like Loretta Devine. It's a good look for both of them and a good performance. Also, Marley should always part her hair on the side like that and burn all her newsboy caps. The judges (which now include Mercedes and Mike along with Artie and Finn) loved the performance and Artie asks them what roles they want. As we know, they're going for Sandy and Rizzo.

By LTG

Finn walks into a study hall and sits down across a table from Ryder (after tricking the teacher in charge into leaving by telling him he has a call in the teachers' lounge). He's there to recruit Ryder... for the show! Not for a completely inappropriate and no doubt illegal tryst. It's not quite lurking in the locker room, but this scene is nearly as creepy. Ryder is hard at work because his grades suck and he needs to get a B average or his parents will make him quit football. Finn tells what must be a total lie and claims that his grades sucked until he joined the glee club, and then he started getting better grades and graduated with a B+ average. (Just so we're clear, the obvious lie is not that his grades sucked, but that he graduated with a B+ average. He prayed to a grilled cheese sandwich and once copied off of Brittany's homework.) Since Will framed and blackmailed Finn to get him to join the glee club, I guess lying to recruit a hot young guy is just a McKinley tradition. Ryder doesn't seem convinced that singing is the answer to his woes. But he might just change his mind after he gets another C- on an assignment and/or test that a teacher hands back to him in his class.

Auditorium stage. Artie and Finn enter the stage, which is currently the home to three different juke boxes. Artie tells him that a director's primary job is making choices, like choosing the right juke box to use for the show. Of course, the one Finn chooses (which is the same as the one from Happy Days) is the wrong one. But Artie is sure he'll get it eventually. And then Artie leaves and Ryder enters. He's decided he's willing to try anything to improve his grades, but he's dead set against singing. Finn tell him he used to feel the same way until he actually tried singing and then he found out it felt awesome, "like a really good poop." Don't ever change, Finn Hudson. Anyway, he thinks the same thing would work for Ryder, so he plugs in one of the machines and sets it to play Foreigner's ">, "Jukebox Hero." So that juke box just happened to have a single of the karaoke instrumental of this song? Finn starts the singing and then Ryder joins in. This is the gayest seduction I've seen outside of porn. Ryder imagines himself singing with a band before an adoring rock concert crowd and he really enjoys it. After they finish, he asks Finn if she should audition and Finn tell him he just did. Commercials.

Hallway. Ryder approaches Marley at her locker and introduces himself. She's instantly smitten, recognizing him from his end zone dances at the football game. He tells her that since they auditioned for Tony and Sandy, he thought they should get to know each other. (He also recognizes that the way to her heart is through her mother, whom he praises for giving him extra meatballs on spaghetti day.) As they talk, we see that Jake is staring at them from his own locker. Kitty (a.k.a. New Quinn) approaches Jake and accuses him of jealousy. He's obviously jealous, but she's also fucking with him because she's pissed off that he dumped her. And then she saunters up to Ryder and Marley to try to make her move on yet another guy that Marley likes. She's also there to gloat that she's going to audition for Sandy and that she's sure she'll get the part. Kitty makes mean comments about Marley's mother's weight (although I would like to read a memoir titled Fifty Shades of Gravy), but that backfires, as Ryder has no tolerance for anyone who insults his meatball connection.

Kitty then signs up for an audition slot and Jake signs up too. He says he's decided he should be around to keep Kitty from killing Marley, but Kitty knows that the real reason is so that he can keep an eye on Marley and Jake. And then we cut to the two of them auditioning with Neon Trees' "Everybody Talks." Jake's still a little bland as a character, but he's full of sexy charisma when he's singing and dancing. And Kitty's no slouch. The judges are thrilled with the performance, but Marley (who's been watching from the wings) is distraught.

Music room. Artie, Finn, Mercedes and Mike are there to make some casting decisions. Everything is pretty clearly decided, but they decide to call back Marley and Kitty for Sandy and Ryder and Jake for Tony. We also get the exposition bomb that Tina hasn't auditioned, since she refuses to be in the same room as Mike. Artie's a little resistant to casting Unique as Rizzo, but he gives in to Finn out of respect for his passion. Which is exactly when Sue appears to summon Finn to the Maharishi's office. Why just Finn? Isn't Artie also directing this show?

In the Maharishi's office, Sue is trying to get Figgins to stop Finn and Will (who so far appears to have absolutely nothing to do with this) from casting Unique as Rizzo. Figgins hilariously, but inappropriately tells Sue that he's pretty sure Unique is just "an attractive, buxom young woman who's got it going on in all the right places. She's a brickhouse, Sue." That leaves it to Will -- who couldn't convince Figgins that vampires aren't real -- to try to explain the existence of transgender people. That essentially shuts Figgins up for the rest of the conversation, as his mind has been blown. Finn accuses Sue of being a bigot. She claims that her gay-friendliness pretty much makes it impossible for her to be a bigot. Since some of the biggest anti-trans bigots I've known have been gay or lesbian, I'm not sure that's really such a defense. Sue think that it's wrong to put Unique in the danger that will follow when people (meaning Sue) raise a public outcry over the casting. Finn is not afraid of the daily hell that will surely follow from becoming Sue's enemy -- he's going to case Unique. Unfortunately, his mouth way overshoots his brain and he refers to Sue's baby as "retarded." So now her hatred of him is personal. He immediately recognizes the wrongness of what he said and apologizes, but Sue doesn't really care to accept that apology. Oh, this will get interesting. Commercials.

Coach Beiste enters Emma's office, where she finds Emma freaking out at the difficulty in finding a short-term rental in DC that doesn't have carpets, which are too filthy for Emma to tolerate. Coach Beiste isn't there to offer real estate advice -- she's there to tell Emma that she could tell that Emma doesn't really want to join Will in DC and to encourage her to be honest with him. Emma is worried that if she gets in the way of his dreams, she'll be just like Terri. Emma, I wish you were half as entertaining as Terri was. I miss that psychopath. Emma tells the coach that she's definitely going to DC, so Coach Beiste tells her that she'd better find something to do in DC that will excite her or she's just going to resent him.

Tina's locker. Mike approaches her and accuses her of avoiding him, which she's happy to admit, because seeing him has brought up the pain of their breakup and she doesn't want to be around him. He's upset that she's letting it stand in the way of being in the musical, but she refuses to change her mind.

Callbacks. This time, all of New Directions is in the audience. Mercedes tells the four candidates for Sandy and Danny that they've selected a song for them that's from the show and will give them a chance to demonstrate their '50s dance moves. The judges also want to see them in different combinations, to get a sense of the chemistry they have with each other. Even though they were given the music in advance, Ryder's nervous, because he doesn't really read music. So Mercedes and Mike tell the kids to just follow their lead and she starts singing "Hand Jive." This is a song about hand jobs, isn't it? I really suspect it is. Anyway, Mercedes sings and Mike dances and then the four candidates join in. Marley and Jake have some serious heat, which makes Kitty and Ryder both jealous. At the end of the song, a bunch of other potential cast members join them in the dance. Commercials.

Library. Finn finds Unique (in boy drag) and tells her that he needs to talk to her about the show. Unique thinks this is just prelude to the "you were great, but it was too controversial to cast you" discussion she's been fearing. But Finn, as we know, is there to offer Unique the role. Unique gets a little verklempt, and Finn asks what's wrong. Unique: "I don't feel right in the men's locker room, but I can't go into the girl's. And I don't feel right in men's clothing, but I can't wear dresses every day. It sucks to never know your place. It's just nice for once to feel like I've found one." And Finn seems happy to have finally found his place as well. That was a gorgeously acted scene -- Alex has really improved since his first appearances last season.

By LTG

Time to post the cast list. We end up with a Brady Bunch style grid (but larger) with all of the casting decisions. Brit-Brit is Cha-Cha; Tina is Jan (even though she never auditioned); Sam is Kenickie; Sugar Motta is Frenchy; No Longer New Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name Demian Can't Be Bothered To Look Up is Doody; Unique is Rizzo; Blaine is Teen Angel; Jake is Putzie; Ryder is Danny; Marley is Sandy; and Kitty is Patty Simcox. In the words of Kitty, "Who the hell is Patty Simcox?" Kitty blames her failure to land the role she wanted on God, and then Jake, and then she lashes out at Marley and her mother. And then she storms off when Sue arrives and reminds her that it's time to feed Sue's baby. And then Sue looks at the cast list, sees that Unique has been cast as Rizzo and gives Finn a blood curdling glare as we cut to commercial.

By LTG

Will comes home to find Emma, dressed in a very '50s housewife looking outfit, cooking up a storm. He's happy at first, but then realizes that she's completely freaked out. So he asks her to stop cooking and talk to him and she admits that she doesn't want to go to DC; she's scared that if she gives up her dreams in favor of his, she'll just grow to resent him. He finally pulls his head out of his ass and tells her that he loves her for who she is and even though he doesn't want to be away from her, he knows that a few months apart won't diminish their love. Jayma Mays, is so good -- I really wish this show gave her more to do that wasn't just based on her relationship with Will.

Music room. Will enters to find Finn hard at work trying to figure out how to make a car fly on stage. For the pedants reading this, yes, I know that the show is clearly acting as though Grease the stage musical is identical to Grease the movie, when there are a number of differences between them. But I just know better than to ever have expected this show to get anything like this right. And, frankly, I just don't care. Anyway, Will tells Finn that he and Figgins have decided that while Will is away from McKinley, the perfect person to coach the New Directions is Finn. I mean, he says it in a way that involves pumping Finn's ego up more than it really deserves to be. But still. It answers the question of what happens while Will is gone and what Finn's excuse will be to lurk around the high school all day. Will tells Finn, "I can tell you that there's no greater joy than helping a young boy like you turn into a man." I was wrong, this is the gayest seduction scene I've seen outside of porn.

LTG lives in Boston, where's a full-time pension and benefits attorney and part-time lightning lubricator. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.

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