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Blaine Warbler, desperate to fill his time now that Kurt is off in New York, signs up for every school club and then decides to run for Senior Class President. Brit-Brit decides to increase her chances of winning the robot vote by asking Artie to be her running mate. And then she volunteers Sam to be Blaine's running mate, and Blaine decides that's a good idea. After a totally stipper-tastic debate, Blaine and Sam win the election.
In New York, Kurt gets an internship at Vogue.com, edited by Sarah Jessica Parker. Unfortunately, she's an awful manager who's totally creatively blocked. But Kurt saves her by... giving Rachel a makeover? Sure, why not? But Kurt gets so caught up in the magic of being a fashion icon that he neglects Blaine, leading Blaine to realize that he's totally miserable at McKinley without Kurt.
And speaking of creatively blocked, Will has finally realized he's a completely uninspired hack. He can't come up with any ideas for the New Directions, and he's bored out of his mind. So he applies to be on some kind of blue ribbon arts-in-school panel that would apparently take him away from McKinley for some period of time. So let's see where that goes.
Rachel's makeover leads Brody to want her even more. After some sexy dance practice, Rachel invites him over for dinner. At that dinner, he promises her he's totally hands off, out of respect for her relationship with Finn. And then he makes out with her, which is the exact opposite of "hands off." And then we end on an awkward note, as Finn shows up at Rachel's door.
Featuring Hole's "Celebrity Skin," performed by Brittany and Sam; Sheryl Crow's "A Change Would Do You Good," sung by Rachel and Brody; Tears for Fears' "Everybody Wants to Rule the World," sung by Cosplay Blaine; and a mash-up of American standard "The Way You Look Tonight" and "You're Never Fully Dressed" from Annie, sung by SJP, Kurt, and Rachel.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We start out with a Blaine Warbler voice-over. He walks down the hall down the hall to a bulletin board and signs up for every extracurricular activity McKinley has, because -- as his V.O. tells us -- this year is his turn to shine. Which he needs to do because he misses Kurt and feels like his life is a huge empty void. And then he starts to sing Tears for Fears' "Everybody Wants to Rule the World." The song partly takes place while he's standing on stage and partly while we see him in various clubs he joined, which include the "Superhero Sidekicks Appreciation Club" where Blaine is dressed as a bow-tied Robin the Nerd Wonder. Wait, is he also wearing Catwoman's ears? Make that Robin, the Gender-Confused Nerd Wonder. He's also joined the Advanced D&D Club, where we see him in full wizard regalia. So what we're really learning is that Blaine is into cosplay. At the end of the song, Blaine is joined on stage by all of his cosplay friends. Did I mention that Blaine also signs up to run for Student Council President? Because he does, writing his name under that of the only other declared candidate, Brittany S. Pierce, much to her dismay. Title card.
Improbably Bohemian Bushwick Loft. Kurt is trying on clothes as he tells us he's been working all weekend to pick out an outfit for his interview at Mode... I mean, "Vogue.com." Where he's applied for an internship with designer and new senior editor, Wilhelmina Slater... I mean, "Isobel Wright." Not-Amanda, the receptionist, tells Kurt that Ms. Wright will see him now. (Did I mention that we had transitioned to the interview? Because we have.)
Kurt enters a realistically small and not-fantastic office to find Sarah Jessica Parker waiting for him. She tells him that she's from Columbus (finding common ground in their shared state), and that she once got food poisoning while eating at BreadStix in Lima. Anyway, Isobel tells him that she's super-impressed with him and his online gallery of fashion-forward outfits. She has an iPad full of pictures of Kurt in all of the good and not-so-good clothes he's worn over the last three seasons. Did he pay a photographer to take glamour shot of him every single day? In response to her question, he tells us that he sews most of the clothes he wears, except for that hideous diagonal half-sweater, which his aunt had stashed in the attic. Kurt, you should have left it where it was -- your aunt was trying to spare us all the sight of it. And then after a perfunctory interview, she hires him. Of course she does. What we didn't see, but what really happened right before this interview, was Isobel asking her assistant, "Why the hell am I interviewing this hick from Ohio who just graduated from high school and didn't even have the sense to apply to more than one college?" To which her assistant responded, "His father is Burt Hummel, that mechanic who was elected to Congress in that insane special election last year. Maybe if you hire him, his dad can get you an invite to a state dinner at the White House." Because that's the only way this hire makes sense outside of Kurt's masturbatory fantasies.
McKinley. Brit-Brit approaches Artie at his locker and asks him to run with her as her vice-presidential candidate in order to help her secure the robot vote. Come on, Brit -- he's a cyborg, not a robot. She offers him the chance to be the power behind her vacuous throne. He's intrigued and decides to accept her offer when he realizes that being elected might help him get dates. Does he not realize how high school works? Being student council V.P. does not really work as a chick magnet.
Music room. Will tells the kids that as national champs, the school gets to host the National Show Choir Rules Committee meeting. We get a barrage of meta jokes about how the competition rules never make sense and seem to change from episode to episode. Jacob asks if they shouldn't start working on their competition pieces. He is new, so I'll excuse him for not being familiar with Mr. Schue's last-minute, seat-of-the-pants leadership style. Will claims to have tons of ideas, while his voice-over tells us that he has absolutely no ideas. Brit interrupts to question Blaine's place of birth and to announce that Artie is going to be her running mate, helping to lock up the vending machine vote. The bell rings and everybody leaves. Didn't this class and/or after school activity just start?
Sue finds Will in the teacher's lounge, where he's torn between competing with a set list made up of classic TV themes or a salute to autumn. Sue notes that those are horrible and Will tells her that he's run out of ideas. She speaks for me when she tells him that he never had any -- he just had tons of enthusiasm as he pursued his dream. But now that he's achieved it, that drive is gone. She suggests he find a new job -- "Your complete lack of adult friends means you're well on your way to your career as a pedophile birthday clown." Well, he's got the hair for it.
Hallway. Sam approaches Brit and asks her why she didn't choose him as her running mate. She tells him she was worried that campaigning together would ruin their friendship, the way it did when Sarah Palin ran with her grandfather. But she does think that Sam would be a great veep, so she leads him over to Blaine and suggests that Blaine choose Sam as his running mate. Blaine's bow tie is clearly tied too tight, as he accepts this proposal. At which point Brit challenges him to a debate. As she walks away, Sam quietly asks Blaine what a debate is. You guys, I think Sam is what Ralph Wiggum will be when he grows up. Commercials.
Mode... I mean, "Vogue.com" conference room. Isobel has gathered her team together to hear their pitches on the theme of "leather" while Kurt quietly distributes coffee. The ideas or horrible, but Isobel doesn't seem to realize that. She also tells them to think "out of the box." She ends the meeting and asks Kurt to join her in her office, where she points out that he was making faces at all the ideas. He tells her that "unexpected leather" should be in the back pages of The Village Voice... says the guy wearing a piece from a studded leather harness as a cravat. Isobel agrees, but tells him that "Mandy, the receptionist" (which, come on, total shout-out to Ugly Betty) keeps asking her to do a piece on animal hides and Isobel can't bear to say no to her. Especially since her cat just died. She's also stupidly agreed to do a piece on "Spanx for cankles. Spankles." She whines to this intern about not being a good manager and not being able to say no to anyone. She's worried that the site will suck, and Anna will fire her and she'll become homeless. Kurt offers to let her bunk with him and Rachel in Bushwick. Isobel finds that appropriately horrible as an idea.
McKinley. Artie approaches Brit at her locker to tell her that according to the latest poll from Jewfro[less], 90% of the students plan to come to the debate. But that's because all of them expect her to say something stupid. Brit is discouraged, but Artie tells her that she's not stupid, she's just differently-intelligenced. He thinks they just need to focus on preparation. And then the camera swings over to Blaine and Sam. Blaine is telling Sam that he wants him to really focus on looking like a serious candidate, causing Sam to panic and bust out his horrible John Wayne impression. Which brings us to intercut scenes of Artie and Blaine trying to help their dimwitted compatriots prepare for the debate by asking them questions that they are completely unable to answer. Sam and Brit both zone out during this bit and they start singing Hole's "Celebrity Skin." Their shared psychotic break brings them to the stage of the auditorium, where they're both dressed in power suits as the school's flag twirlers practice their craft around them. You guys, Sam is so pretty. Have I mentioned that lately?
Meeting of the National Show Choir Rule Committee, which consists of Will and three other coaches, including the coach of that school for the deaf from the first season. Will zones out with boredom as one woman goes on about districting rules. Eventually, the teacher from the school for the deaf interrupts to scream about how pointless it all is, since the funding for his glee club has been eliminated. The big idea to fix things is to get a show choir representative on the blue-ribbon government panel that's studying arts funding in education. Because blue-ribbon commissions are a sure way to get things done. That's why America has conquered the scourge of obesity and eliminated its budget deficit. Will thinks that as a show choir director who just won Nationals, he has a shot to get on this panel. Which is great, because then we can get an entire episode of people we don't care about attending a committee meeting.
New York street. Rachel is telling Kurt about how some horrible dance students were mean to her about her appearance and wardrobe. Because that is a completely new experience for her. Their conversation moves to dinner at the Improbably Bohemian Bushwick Loft, where Rachel is complaining that she's not getting the chance to reinvent herself that's supposed to come with being a college student. Kurt tells her that she can't reinvent herself until she reinvents her wardrobe. She complains that she can't afford a new wardrobe. Kurt asks, "Who says you'll have to pay for it." Um, the laws of market capitalism? He drags her away from the apartment. Commercials.
Kurt uses his passcard to drag Rachel right into the Mode... I mean "Vogue.com" vault, which is full of classic clothes. And then they're caught by Wilhelmina... I mean, "Isobel" and two security guards. She asks just what the hell is going on and when Kurt tells her he was going to give Rachel a makeover (and, I guess, steal all the clothes?), she dismisses the guards. She closes the door behind them and joins in on the makeover fun. So then Marc and Wilhelmina... I mean "Kurt and Isobel" give a makeover to Ugly Betty... I mean, "Ugly Rachel." While singing a mash-up of American standard "The Way You Look Tonight" and "You're Never Fully Dressed" from . Because sure, why not? Oh, and they make a video of all of this, for the website. They also unstraighten Rachel's hair, making her look just like Lea Michele.
Cut to Kurt Skyping with Blaine, who is watching the video in a window. Blaine is full of praise and happiness for Kurt. Although Kurt expresses a bit of interest in Blaine's campaign for Student Council President, he almost immediately turns the conversation back to himself when Blaine starts to talk about it. Commercials.
Emma's office. I almost forgot she was on this show. Will enters to get some professional advice. He tells her that he's thinking of applying for the blue-ribbon panel, but that it would mean leaving school for a few months. Really? I mean, I'd love to get rid of him, but what the fuck kind of government does the Glee universe have? Emma is totally supportive, and tells him to follow his dreams. Because presumably that will free her up to escape this show and make some movies.
Debate (which is in the auditorium, rather than the gym). Sue gives a mean and sarcastic welcome to the very few students who are there, noting that they will begin with a debate between the vice-presidential candidates, even though that job didn't even seem to exist last year. Backstage, Sam advises Blaine to lose the bowtie, since it makes him seem "uptight and like a young Orville Redenbacher." Come on, Sam -- everybody knows that Orville Redenbacher was never young. He was born with Benjamin Button disease, but then it was cured and he kept aging normally from there. The veep debate begins. Artie is full of facts and figures and drones on until everybody in the auditorium is as bored as I am. And then it's Sam's turn, and he strips off his shirt and dances. He's got my vote. I'd also like to slip a dollar into his underwear. We fade to the presidential debate, and Blaine is earnest and overwrought. And then Brit begins brilliantly by telling the audience that she loves McKinley. In fact, she loves it so much, she wants to abolish summer and weekends, so they can be together in school every single day. And as much as I want to lick every inch of Sam's torso, I must point out that Brit looks quite fetching in her faux glasses and with her hair parted off to the side. Commercials.
Mode... I mean... aw, screw it, you know what I mean. Isobel calls Kurt into her office. He's afraid he's being fired... presumably for his plan to steal clothes from the vault. But she really wants to let him know that Anna saw the video and sent an e-mail saying it's great, which is the first nice thing she's said to Isobel since Isobel was hired. Of course, they're not going to use the video -- they're going to reshoot it with models in an exotic locale. But Kurt still gets credit for the idea. Kurt has a fox's face on his shirt and he's wearing a giant black and white fox tail clipped to his belt. Kurt is thrilled with the news and thanks Isobel. He also thanks her for helping give Rachel a makeover, as it caused Rachel to throw away her reindeer sweater. Are you sure your fox shirt didn't just hunt and devour her reindeer sweater? Isobel praises him for his optimism. She also tells him that she thinks he should focus on a career in fashion instead of going to Fake New York Theater School. And then she invites him to sit in on their meeting as a participant, not just a gofer and invites him to lunch.
Dance studio. Rachel is stretching when Brody comes in. He praises her new makeover. Rachel tells him it's like she changed the outside and then her inside just followed, but he thinks her outside is just catching up to her inside. He's not planning to dissect her, is he? He pitches some woo and she gets bashful and walks over to the piano. It turns out she's there to work on a practice number, and he looks at the sheet music and tells her he loves the song. And then they sing Sheryl Crow's "A Change Would Do You Good." They dance together in the studio, but we also see them having fun about town. They finish the dance with her in his arms. He tells her she's amazing and then she invites him to her house for dinner.
Sue's office. Becky (yay!) plays a xylophone intro to an announcement Sue's making over the P.A. system. Sue has the election results, but before she reads them, she asks Becky for a xylophone flourish. There's a long pause as Becky just sits there. Sue: "No? Not feeling it?" Becky almost imperceptibly shakes her head "No." Funniest moment of the entire episode. Before Sue announces the results, we cut to commercial.
And we come back to Blaine's victory party, which is happening at BreadStix. Artie congratulates Blaine, who suggests he might have room for Artie in his administration. Artie tells him he already got what he wanted out of the election, since Sugar asked him on a date. "She asked me to go horseback riding. I'm hoping it doesn't involve being towed." Artie asks if Blaine has spoken to Kurt and Blaine tells an obvious lie when he claims he has. As Artie rolls away, Blaine pulls out his phone to call Kurt. But Kurt is chatting with his new Mode friends, and he doesn't answer the phone (even though he sees it's Blaine calling). Sam walks up to congratulate Blaine and notices that he's not doing so hot. Blaine tells him that he changed his whole life to come to McKinley to be with Kurt and now it all sucks since Kurt is gone and Blaine is there with no friends. Sam tells him that he's glad Blaine is there, since he's never had a gay bro before. He compares the two of them to Wolverine and Cyclops. Come on, Sam -- everybody knows that both of them are gay. Blaine is actually cheered up by this. And as he walks away, they each claim to be Wolverine. Nobody ever wants to be Cyclops. And then Brit joins Sam. She tells him that he'll be a great V.P. and he tells her that he actually voted for her. They have lovely airhead chemistry.
Will enters Sue's office for a meaningless scene in which he tells her that he's applying to be on the blue-ribbon panel. He also asks her for a recommendation. Really? The woman who hates you? Why not asks your pal, Coach Beiste? Sue agrees and has already written a letter full of complimentary lies about him.
Improbably Bohemian Bushwick Loft. Rachel gets dressed and is cooking dinner when the pan on the stove burst into flames. She tries to put it out with a glass of wine. Or maybe it was just cider, since she and Kurt are both too young to buy booze. The fire goes out just as there's a knock on the door. It's Brody, who tells her that she's smoking. By which he doesn't mean the duck she just burned, but her appearance. Rachel the vegan was cooking duck? Cut to the two of them eating pizza. Brody tells her it's the thought that counts, and that no girl has ever cooked him dinner before. "Moon River" is playing in the background. I'm led to believe that this is completely coincidental, as if the producers didn't have time to insert the music after learning of Andy Williams' death. She tells him that she's changing from Old Rachel (the "annoy a guy for a year until he gives in type") to the New Rachel (the "cook dinner for a guy type"). He asks her to tell him one of Old Rachel's secrets. She makes him go first, and he confesses that as a kid, he was obsessed with Ace of Base because he loved the idea of women playing instruments. Except that the women in Ace of Base are singers and they don't play instruments. I knew there was something off about this guy. He's faking his knowledge of Swedish pop! Get out Rachel, before this all turns into some horrible Lifetime movie. Rachel's secret is that when she was eight, she got her first love letter from a boy named Tony, and her response was to correct all the grammar and return it to him. He laughs, and she tells him that even Finn doesn't know that story. The mention of her boyfriend dampens the romantic mood, and he tells her that he plans to be strictly hands-off. And then the two of them kiss, which doesn't strictly involve hands but still seems to contradict his hands-off pledge. And then there's a knock at the door. Surprise! It's Finn.
All this episode did was to make me miss Ugly Betty, which leads to two questions: First, why the hell didn't they cast Mark Indelicato on this show? And second, couldn't they possibly have brought Marc St. James in as the older brother of Jesse St. James?
LTG lives in Boston, where he's a full-time pension and benefits attorney and part-time awkward interrupter. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.
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