Hit Her Again!

S03E20

Leave it to this show to underutilize their best idea all season. The club is preparing for Nationals, and Tina blows up about the way Rachel is always coddled and given anything she wants while Tina is expected to sway in the background. Nobody's supportive of her complaints, so she stomps out of the room. She eventually finds herself at the mall, where she trips and falls into a fountain, smacking her head on the hard bottom. Which, naturally, leads to an extended fantasy sequence in which everybody has switched bodies: Tina and Rachel; Puck and Blaine; Finn and Kurt; Artie and Santana; Brittany and Mercedes; Quinn and Sugar; Sam and the Leprechaun; Sue and Will; and Mike Chang and New Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name Demian Can't Be Bothered To Look Up. It's all very funny, until Tina as Rachel has a revelatory conversation with Rachel as Tina and the real Tina ends up happy to be a worker bee and wait for her own time to shine. And then they switch back to their boring selves. Bleh.

In other news, Rachel has decided not to give up on her dreams, notwithstanding all her whining last episode. So she's been harassing Carmen, the rep from the Fake New York Theater School, to try to get her to come to Nationals to see how amazing Rachel is. She is roundly ignored by said rep, until Tina informs her that Carmen is teaching a master class at Oberlin and convinces her that in-person harassment will be more effective. So they drive to Oberlin, where Carmen shoots Rachel down, but then appears to be impressed by Tina's impassioned plea on her behalf. Only time (and about an hour) will tell if she's been convinced to show up in Chicago.

Finally, Puck is still feeling the pain of failing and the non-graduation that's about to happen. Meanwhile, Coach Bieste is still feeling the pain from Cooter's abuse (which may be just verbal at this point, but I can't be sure). Puck's pain leads him to a serious fight with Hockey Hair, which Shannon breaks up, leading Puck to a tearful confession about how much he hates his life and feels like he's lived up to his own father's prediction that he's just garbage. His tears give Shannon the strength to leave Cooter. And in return, she convinces the geography teacher to let Puck retake his test. So maybe he will graduate.

Featuring: Céline Dion's "Because You Loved Me," performed by Tina (as Rachel); Irene Cara's "Flashdance What a Feeling," performed by Rachel and Tina as themselves; Jason Mraz's "I Won't Give Up, performed by Rachel (as Rachel); and Taylor Swift's "Mean," performed by Puck and Coach Bieste (as themselves).

Read the 'Nationals' recaplet.

The show opens with the usual "Previously, on Glee..." guy, except that this week, in addition to reminding us about things we just saw in the last couple of episodes, he reminds us about the Constant Overlooking of Tina Cohen-Chang. You remember Tina, right? Original New Directions member, used to be T-T-T-Tina until she admitted the stutter was a fake and she became Single-T-Tina. Dated Artie before dating Mike Chang. Occasional vampire. Also recently known as "Asian Horror Movie." Yeah, her. Anyway, the show gets all meta by reminding us how much they've ignored this character.

Sue's office. She's called together Porcelain and Weezy (A.K.A. Kurt and Mercedes) to give them hell for encouraging that Vocal Adrenaline kid to perform as a woman, thereby creating a sensation in the show choir world. Mercedes reminds Sue that it was all her idea, but Sue's pregnancy hormones are causing a memory lapse because she has no recollection of that. Sue thinks Unique will lead Vocal Adrenaline to another national title, causing Sue to lose control of the Cheerios. So, in Sue's words, "It's time to fight fire with the flaming flames of additional flaming gay fire." By which she means she wants Kurt to do a solo in drag, under the name Porcelina Hummel. Kurt points out that being gay doesn't mean being into drag. Mercedes reminds him of his Halloween costume, which leads to a flashback to Kurt and Blaine trick-or-treating as Snooki and the Situation. I love that they spent hours of makeup and wardrobe and filming time to get that five second cutaway. Anyway, Kurt refuses to perform in drag, so Sue tells him to prepare for a New Directions loss. Title card.

Remember how last week was all about Rachel accepting the fact that her dream of attending the Fake New York Theater School was dead and that she would never be a Broadway star? Yeah, well forget about it. We see her writing in her journal that "[FNYTS] IS MY DESTINY." And then she sings Jason Mraz's "I Won't Give Up." It's one of those songs that she sings as she's going about her day, except that this time, she's in a spotlight, while everyone else stumbles around in the dark. Even her fantasies are selfish. She finishes the song on the auditorium stage (with nobody else present), and then immediately calls Carmen Thibodeaux to leave a fourteenth message begging Carmen to come to Nationals in Chicago to see Rachel perform.

By LTG

Music room. Will writes "Nationals" on the white board. Wait, I thought that wasn't until the second hour of tonight's extravaganza. Are they actually going to start work an entire episode before the competition? Is that even allowed? Will and Sue give them a rundown of the songs they'll sing, including a big group vintage number, a solo for Rachel, and a number from the TroubleTones. Sue indicates that said TT number will feature Porcelina. Kurt: "Not gonna happen, Dragon Lady." Sue tells them that they'll be performing Irene Cara's "Flashdance What a Feeling." To that end, she has them each look under their seat, where they find boxes filled with Flashdance-appropriate props (primarily welding masks and leg warmers). Sue thinks that the ticket to winning Nationals is to make a big splash using lots of props. The kids are dubious, but Will decides he'd rather follow the lead of the one person in the room who has actually won multiple national titles. He tells them that if they're not willing to work their butts off, they should leave. So Tina does just that. Not because she's unwilling to work, but because she's sick of every solo automatically going to Rachel. She tells Will and Sue that they may want props on stage, but she's sick of being one. Sue calls her "Asian Number One," and Tina shouts out "My name is Tina! Tina Cohen-Chang!"

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Mike Chang follows her out into the hallway and tells her she's being selfish. She points out that Rachel complains about not getting enough solos and nobody ever calls her selfish. Except, I guess, for all the people who do. But maybe the people on the Internet just don't count. Mike tells her that it's the seniors' time to shine, and that he's disappointed in her. Oh, whatever, Asian Number Two. And now it's Rachel's turn to run out to the hallway. She's there to offer Tina $50 to just shut up. Because she's desperate for a solo at Nationals to impress Madame Thibodeaux. Tina tells her that she's sick of swaying in the background while everybody else sings solos. I guess the show's hoping we'll all forget the fact that Tina carried most of "ABC" at Sectionals, pretty much single-handedly assuring New Directions of victory over the TroubleTones? And then Rachel starts talking about how hard it is to be her, because she works non-stop around the clock to keep herself in top competitive singing condition. She tells Tina that she'll have her own chance to shine year. Tina: "All I want is for one moment to feel like you. To be up on stage and get one of those standing ovations you're so used to getting." Again, didn't she get a standing O at Sectionals?

By LTG

Cut to the mall, where Kurt and Blaine are sitting in a couple of vibrating chairs. Tina comes down the nearby escalator. She's buying fabric for costumes for Nationals while also text-fighting with Mike Chang. And then Tina trips and falls into a fountain, smashing her head on the bottom. Kurt and Blaine run over to pull her out. Except that Blaine now looks like Puck with a wig glued to his head, while Kurt has gained a huge amount of body mass and looks like Finn. But wearing Blaine and Kurt's clothes. Also, a very soaked Tina is now wearing Rachel's outfit from earlier. And the ersatz Blaine and Kurt are calling her Rachel. I do love that their first reaction to the idea that she might have hit her head is to get her back to the music room. Instead of, you know, a doctor. Tina finally looks down at herself and exclaims, "Oh my God! I'm Rachel Berry!" Commercials.

Hallway. Finnish Kurt is begging Tina-ish Rachel to come to Between the Sheets with him after school to help pick out sheet music, leading Puckish Blaine to start complaining about that interloping flirtatious texter, Chandler. As they wander off, "Rachel" is confronted by Artie, standing tall, wearing a Cheerio's uniform (with pants instead of a skirt, alas), and sporting a saucy ponytail. This Artie-ish Santana is there to insult "Rachel" and make her worried about choking on her solo like she did at her audition. And then Santana, nerdy and wheelchair bound, rolls up to "Rachel" to tell her that if she doesn't win at Nationals she'll be crushing the dreams of every handicapable kid in America. All Brit-Brit, wearing a horrible Mercedes wig, has to say is "Praise." A shorter, African-American version of Brit-Brit then apologizes for having to leave right after "Rachel's" solo, since she has to bail Lord Tubbington out of jail: "He tried to sell my iPhone for drugs."

And then a hawk-nosed, vaguely semitic version of Tina approaches "Rachel" to nervously ask for tips about applying to fake theater schools, even though this self-doubting "Tina" is certain she's a long-shot to get in anywhere. As they're talking, they walk into the music room, just in time for Will, dressed in red track suit, to yell at them through a megaphone: "That's enough Tina. You can hawk your chop suey recipes after Rachel shows us her solo for Nationals." Two things. First, Will's a little too femme to play Sue. Second, seeing the two of them in each other's clothes makes me realize how much older Matthew Morison looks than Jane Lynch. How is that possible? Anyway, the Sue-ish version of Will is there to call "Sue" out on her racism. "Sue" declares that she can't be racist, due to her distant Native American roots. "My Comanche name is 'Cheerleads with Wolves.'" The rest of the mixed-up New Directions are already sitting in their seats in the music room. It's time for "Rachel" to show them her solo, but not before "Will" reminds her that their hopes for Nationals are resting on her shoulders. "Rachel" is nervous, so Kurtish Finn gives her a pep talk, telling her how great she is and also commenting on how much larger her boobs are than usual. So then "Rachel" turns around and sings Céline Dion's "Because You Loved Me." As usual, the performance switches over to the auditorium at some point. The only really notable thing about the kids in the audience is that while New Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name Demian Can't Be Bothered To Look Up really does have gross hair, that same hair works on Mike Chang's head. At the end of the song, back in the music room, "Rachel" gets a standing ovation.

Hallway. "Rachel" walks up to "Tina" at her locker to tell her how her background "oohs" and "aahs" always provide just the right amount support to "Rachel's" big numbers. Poor, pathetic "Tina" has apparently been waiting her whole life to be on the receiving end of this condescending speech. "Rachel" reminds her that she'll have her own chance to shine when she's a senior. "Tina" commiserates with "Rachel" about her flubbed audition, and advises her not to give up. In fact, she tells "Rachel" that if Madame Thibodeaux wouldn't take her calls, she would just drive to where she is and refuse to leave until she gives her another chance. You know, high school kids too often overlook the advantages of stalking as a college admissions strategy. I'm glad to see that "Tina" has her eye on the prize.

Cut back to the mall, for a replay of Tina's fall into the fountain. This time, it's the real Kurt and Blaine who pull her out of the fountain. And she's still wearing her own clothes. Fantasy over, I guess. Commercials.

Auditorium. Sue's got the kids on stage in their welding helmets. They're doing... something, I can't quite think of the word. I know I've seen this before. It's right on the tip of my tongue. What could it be? Wait a minute. [Siri, what's it called when performers take steps to prepare for a performance?] Oh, that's it! It's called "practice." It's just been so long, I forgot the word. They're practicing for the big "Flashdance" number. Which means singing through their welding helmets while some of them actually grind metal on spinning disk things to produce giant fountains of sparks. Sue calls an end to it, pronouncing it a disaster because the sparks aren't timed to the beat of the music. The kids are dubious about the entire proposition, pointing out how hard it is to dance with the mask on. Sam asks if they shouldn't be "in some sort of grinding union." Santana: "Wanky." She almost sounds bored when she says it -- like she knows it's expected of her, but she doesn't really believe it. Will points out that it's ridiculous to expect these kids to learn any kind of advanced choreography. Oh, wait, he means they can't be expected to learn advanced choreography while weighed down by masks and metal grinders. I think my version was just as accurate. Will thinks that the props were supposed to add to the number; instead, they're taking it over. The funny thing is, a version of this could have been totally amazing. Except it would require weeks or months of ... what was that word again? Oh, yes, "practice." Sue asks Porcelain if he has any ideas; he tells her he won't do drag, but that he does have an idea for a new approach.

By LTG

Teachers' lounge. Which is suddenly invaded by Santana, Brit-Brit and Mercedes. Some limp noodle, who I've randomly decided is a social studies teacher, tells them not to invade the teachers' "sacred space." In light of the many kinds of diversity the three of them represent, Santana tells him that kicking them out would be a hate crime, and then they saunter over to Coach Beiste. They're there to bust her for not having actually left Cooter after she told them she had done just that. Coach Beiste tells them that adult relationships are complicated, and that Cooter knows now that if he doesn't fly right, Shannon is out of there. Cut to the Cooter Cottage, where Cooter is screaming at the Panther while she stands at the sink washing a giant chef's knife. Come on, Coach, it's right there in the lyrics the girls sang for you two episodes ago -- "and then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times!" But no, Shannon just lets him yell and scream some more. Back in the lounge, Mercedes expresses doubt that somebody could change that fast. Santana invites the Beiste to come to Chicago with the kids to get a break from Cooter, but Shannon begs off. She appreciates the concern, but she can take care of herself.

Auditorium. Rachel is doing vocal exercises at the piano when Tina enters. She asks Rachel if she's heard from Carmen Thibodeaux yet. Rachel hasn't. I'm just surprised she hasn't heard from Madame Thibodeaux's attorneys yet. Rachel is ready to give up, since calls and e-mails have produced not results. Tina suggests driving to see her, since that's the advice "Tina" gave "Rachel" in her fantasy sequence. Best of all, Madame Thibodeaux is teaching a master class at Oberlin, so she's within easy stalking range. Rachel thinks that "Rachel" gave some good advice, and then takes Tina up on her offer to drive.

Music room. Sue thinks that since Porcelain is being so stubborn, they're going to have to up their prop game. So she's ordered some little people for them to dance with. Because we all remember how pivotal those little people were to the plot of Flashdance. And then Puck walks in wearing a dress, combat boots and a blonde wig. The varied reactions are priceless. Sugar: "Hello." Mercedes: "My eyes are burning." Sam: "Look at those legs." Santana: "I am strangely turned on right now." Puck tells them that if Kurt's not willing to do drag to win, he'll step up to the plate. Sue seems to seriously contemplate making a waxing appointment for Puck before Will calls an end to the whole ordeal. He appreciates Sue's help, but thinks they have to stay true to themselves. Will tells Puck to go change. Artie: "You can't unsee something like that."

Puck's at his locker when he's approached by Rick the Stick, sometimes also known as Hockey Hair, or The Mullet. He's there to bust on Puck for the drag. Puck's not having it, and calls Rick a loser. Rick thinks the fact that he's going to college to play hockey while Puck won't graduate at all is a fairly good defense against being called a loser. In fact, he calls Puck a Lima Loser. Puck throws him against the lockers, but Rick's two goons are there to pull Puck off of Rick. Rick tells Puck that if he wants to fight, they can do it after school, out by the dumpster into which Puck once dumped so many dweebs. Commercials.

Car ride to Oberlin. They chat about Rachel's wedding plans and Nationals, and the fact that most adults live lives of quiet desperation. And Tina asks Rachel if the two of them can sing one song together before graduation.

Dumpster... area. Where they keep the dumpsters. A small crowd has gathered to watch Rick and Puck fight. They engage in some trash talk, and then start fighting. And it's pretty brutal. It's also a symbolic clash of two bad hairstyles. In the end, Rick wins, and his cronies dump Puck into the dumpster. But as the kids chant "loser" at Puck, he climbs out of the dumpster and pulls out a knife. Rick starts to freak out, but he's saved when Coach Beiste arrives and breaks up the fight. She takes the knife from Puck and sends everyone else away.

Locker room. Coach Beiste is there yelling at Puck while he cleans his wounds. He tells her that the knife is a rubber prob from West Side Story. He also doesn't care that he might get expelled or arrested. Puck flips out: "I'm nothing! Don't you get it, I'm nothing! I'm the school joke, a failure. You don't know what it's like to be worthless, where nothing you do matters. I feel that way every day of my life. Every damn day! You know how many football games or concerts my mom's been to in the last four years? None! Not one. My dad's been AWOL since I was ten years old. Which is fine, 'cause all he ever did was tell me I was garbage. And he must be really proud of himself, 'cause that's exactly how I turned out!" By the end of this speech, Puck's in tears, as is Coach Beiste. He apologizes while she grabs him in a hug and they cry together. Beiste: "You and me, we're badasses. Nobody thinks anything hurts us, but it does." Really nice work from Mark Salling and Dot Jones. Let's all take this commercial break to splash some water on our faces.

Oberlin. I guess. Carmen Thibodeaux is watching some guy sing. When he finishes, she gives him some constructive criticism. And then she's attacked by her stalker! Rachel and Tina have tracked her down. Madam T. cuts Rachel off before she begins, asking her what makes her think that she's entitled to any more of Madame T.'s time than she's already received, especially since every minute Madame T. has to spend filling out another police report about her stalker is a minute she can't spend helping a real student. Frankly, Madame T. is tired of it. I'd listen to her Rachel -- you won't be happy if she asks her husband to intervene. He will pity you, fool. That's when Tina jumps in: "Ms. Thibodeaux, I know exactly how you feel. Rachel Berry is a pain in the ass. What she wants, she gets, and I've spent a lot of time resenting her for it. But the fact is, she gets it because she's exceptional. Not just the voice, which is sick, but the focus, the drive. How often do you come across the real deal?" Madame T. points out that the "real deal" rarely forgets the words to the song. Tina tells her it was the only time she's ever seen it happen. Rachel asks Madame T. if she got her own amazing career by not sometimes making a pest of herself. Rachel begs her to come to the performance in Chicago, since she knows Madame T. will be performing in said town herself at the time of the competition. Madame T. tells them to leave. And Rachel promises to keep auditioning every year until she gets in, just like Madame T. did when she first got rejected by Juilliard.

Cooter Cottage. Coach Beiste enters to find Cooter sitting at the dining room table with a couple of pizzas. He's all apologetic about the screaming we saw earlier, and blames it on stress from work. And he promises not to lose his temper again. The whole time he's blathering on, Shannon is just looking at him, stone-faced. And then she puts Puck's prop knife down on the table. He asks her if she's going to stab him. Beiste: "Not with that one. It's fake. Maybe with the big knife in the kitchen. The one I've been sleeping with at night under my pillow." He asks her how they let it get so out of hand. Beiste: "I'm out. I got shame about what happened between us, but I leave that here with my ring, and with you." He begs her to stay, telling her that she can't hate him more than he hates himself. Beiste: "I don't hate you! That's the awful part of it. I love you! But what does that say about what I think of me?" She puts her ring down on the table, and he loses it, shoving the food and dishes down onto the floor. He asks her, "Who's gonna love you the way I loved you, Shannon? Who's gonna love you now?" Coach Beiste: "Me." And then that badass walks out the door.

Auditorium. Puck is singing Taylor Swift's "Mean," accompanying himself on his own guitar. After a verse or so, Coach Beiste joins him. After they finish a really lovely duet, she asks why he's singing on his own. He tells her he's trying out a song for Nationals: "Gotta win something." She tells him he may have already won. Wait, is the Prize Patrol waiting out back? Do they have a giant check for Puck? No, actually, it's that she convinced his geography teacher to give him a chance to take his test again. Puck was certain she hated him, but Beiste tells him that the geography teacher hated his attitude, but she was impressed that he was willing to wear a dress to help his team win. He asks why the Beiste would go out of his way to help him. She tells him that he'll never know how much he helped her: "You are loved, Punkin. You are not alone." More commercials, just in time for another face-rinsing.

The music room has been turned into the costume-sewing room. Isn't there a home ec room with sewing machines already in it they could have used? Tina, Sugar, the Leprechaun and New Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name Demian Can't Be Bothered To Look Up are sewing costumes. Sugar thinks it sucks that they got stuck on costume committee, and New Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name Demian Can't Be Bothered To Look Up says that Quinn told him it's because the newbies have to pay their dues. Sugar's not impressed with that logic. She's sewing Rachel's dress, and thinks Rachel should have to sew her own dress. Tina tells her that Rachel's probably practicing her songs until her vocal chords bleed... wait, is that a real thing? No, don't tell me if it is. And please don't send me pictures. Anyway, Tina thinks none of them would be going to Nationals if it weren't for Rachel's dedication (not to mention Tina's singing on "ABC," even though we're supposed to have forgotten that ever happened). Also, she points out that she's sewing Sugar's gown, and she's happy to do it. Eh, I prefer Angry Tina or Vampire Tina to Doormat Tina.

By LTG

Sue's office. Will is leaning over Sue's shoulder to exposit about their set list, which she's holding in her hands. Sue begs him to take his cheap cologne away from her. And then the Beiste comes in with a tiny overnight bag, asking if she can join them as another chaperone for Nationals. And she tells Sue that she left Cooter. Sue gives her a spontaneous and heartfelt hug.

Lockers. Finn and Rachel are blah-blahing about how they have to win at Nationals. He calls her their Unique Factor. But Rachel looks over at Sam doing a Christopher Walken impression for Brit, Mercedes, Kurt and Artie, and tells him that they're all unique. And then we cut to the auditorium, where Rachel and Tina sing "Flashdance What a Feeling." And they sing it off the stage, down the hallway, and right onto the bus to nationals. Oh my God, they're letting Sue drive the bus. Stay off the roads.

LTG lives in Boston, where he's a full-time benefits attorney and part-time welder. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.