First things first: Quinn lives! Yes, the episode-ending car smash that t-boned us all into the most recent mini-hiatus left Quinn with little more than a compressed spine, so while she's confined to a wheelchair at the moment, expect her to stand up and start dancing again just as soon as said action is convenient for the plot, like that blond guy on Downton Abbey. Naturally, because of her wheelchair, she is now best buds with Artie, because that's the way things work on this show, and Speed Racer escorts her to a handicapable skate park to meet a bunch of handicapable skate punks for Senior Skip Day, and everything is just peachy even though nobody has bitchin' Cheetah legs like Oscar Pistorius until Artie says something stupid about Quinn being stuck in that chair for the rest of her life. This of course turns Quinn into a raging hag for all of three seconds until New Guy With Gross Hair shows her the error of her ways, after which everybody's friends again.
Meanwhile, Dreamboat Blaine's even dreamier older brother blows into town to manufacture a lot of unnecessary drama and angst. Seems "Cooper Anderson" -- portrayed by the preternaturally pretty Matt Bomer as a self-obsessed dipshit given to spouting "Namaste!" at various opportune moments -- has established quite the career for himself spokesmodeling for the Internet's number-one credit score website, and he has much to share with the artistically-inclined children of McKinley High School, much to Dreamboat Blaine's extreme distress and dismay. The Brothers Anderson quite naturally give voice to their raging sibling rivalry through song throughout the evening until their ultimately pointless subplot culminates in this staggeringly weird duet that makes them look like ex-lovers who now hate each other but who will also probably still keep having sex because each is too lazy to put an end to the relationship once and for all, and then New Guy With Gross Hair shows them the error of their ways, after which everybody's friends again.
In other news, Sue's really pregnant, Will's really useless and Rachel and Finn really break up until New Guy With Gross Hair shows them the error of their ways, after which everybody's friends again.
Featuring Elton John's "I'm Still Standing," as ironically performed by Quinn and Artie; a medley of Duran Duran's "Hungry Like The Wolf" and "Rio," as performed by Dreamboat Blaine and Matt Boner; Christina Aguilera's "Fighter," as performed by Dreamboat Blaine alone; "Up Up Up" by a collection of obnoxious hipster fetuses, as performed by Artie and Quinn; and Gotye's "Somebody That I Used To Know," as performed by The Possibly Incestuous Brothers Anderson.
Snap open on the hallowed halls of dear McKinley High. "So," Idiot Rachel begins, "do you think if Quinn hadn't gotten into her accident, we still would have gone through with the wedding?" And here we go: Number one, this is a conversation Idiot Rachel and Frankenteen would have had with each other seven weeks ago, immediately following the asinine and insulting accident to which she refers, so whatever; number two, I find it extremely difficult to believe they heard about Quinn's accident in time to halt their insanely stupid wedding at the unbelievably vast Allen County Courthouse, so whatever; number three, I have never, ever cared about the incredibly tedious so-called romantic relationships on this show, so whatever; and number four: SHUT UP, RACHEL. Number Four really has nothing to do with anything else, I admit, but I figured it'd be best to get the first one out of the way now.
Anyway -- and surprisingly enough -- Idiot Rachel does here shut her yappy trap for a beat, but it's only to allow Frankenteen a moment to exposit that this year's Nationals will be held in Chicago and you'll forgive me for veering off on a tangent, I'm sure, but really? Are they seriously taking this year's finale on the road the way they did last year's? Or will Nationals actually be held in the "Chicago" of the Paramount Studios backlot? And which Chicago-specific songs will they maul and mutilate over the course of that particular episode? Though given the way the musical selections on this show have been going lately, they'll probably just commission some piece of shit from Justin Bieber and perform that, right? Sigh. So many questions. And none of them have anything at all to do with this evening's ultimately pointless presentation, unfortunately, so where the hell was I?
Oh, yes: Nationals are in Chicago this year and as Frankenteen says something dumb about getting married in Wrigley Field, Idiot Rachel suddenly gets all teary-eyed in front of her locker and dramatically moans, "It's Quinn! I can't stop thinking about her! She's..." "...right behind you," Frankenteen finishes for her and sure enough, up rolls the fabulous Miss Fabray in a wheelchair of her very own, for while the asinine and insulting accident to which Idiot Rachel had earlier referred did not in fact kill her, it did leave her rather fetchingly crippled. As she glides to a stop at Idiot Rachel's feet to deliver a few unnecessary lines about how Jesus took her goddamned wheel right before she got T-boned or something, Artie rolls up beside her... because they are now best friends, since that's the way things work on this evil fucking show.
Quinn and Artie then launch themselves into a truncated version of Elton John's "I'm Still Standing" -- because why the hell not, right? -- that takes them past several of Quinn's gape-mouthed former Cheerios colleagues into the music room, where they amaze and astound the other children with their tricky and intricate wheelchair-based dance routine until it's over, after which Quinn delivers yet another -- yet another -- "Don't Text And Drive" PSA, just in case we failed to get the ham-fisted message the first time around. By the way, I should probably note that the best bits of that number involved the too-brief cutaway shots of the ever-mute members of The McKinley Jazz Ensemble, all of whom were really, really into it. That floppy-haired guitarist in particular was bopping his damn fool self all over the place and it was completely adorable.
In any event, after all that's over with, Quinn wheels herself to the center of the music room floor to dispel a few rumors that have arisen during her convalescence-related absence from school: "First of all," she begins, "all of my plumbing still works, which is awesome!" Good to know, doll -- and thanks for the overshare. "But," she continues, "my spine was severely compressed in the car accident, which basically means I can't move my feet or legs." Single-T Tina looks very sad indeed at this bit of news, even though it should be common knowledge amongst Quinn's peers by now, because the accident in question happened two whole goddamned months ago and is this entire episode going to be so clunky and dimwitted and poorly written? No, you needn't bother answering that, because I already know that yes, this entire episode will indeed be so clunky and dimwitted and poorly written, because I've already watched it once the whole goddamned way through. Feh. ANY-way, Quinn goes on with the bright side, "Good thing is, I'm starting to regain feeling, so with a lot of physical therapy -- and your prayers -- I stand a good chance for full recovery." "I promise," she concludes, "that by the time we go to Nationals, I'll be out of this chair and dancing on that stage." This last elicits a particularly vicious side-eye from Artie, who clearly believes Quinn's going to be stuck in that chair forever, but I'll be taking her at her word, thank you very much, because Downton Abbey already gave us this ridiculous "bruised spine" storyline earlier this year and we all know how it's going to turn out, so why pretend otherwise? Also: Title card.
Lair Of The Maharishi. Principal Figgins has summoned both Sue and "the lovely and talented bronze medalist Roz Washington" to his office to inform Sue that Roz will henceforth be "co-coach" of the Cheerios, mainly because the knocked-up Sue showed up for Cheerleader Regionals fifteen minutes late as Sue's obstetrician took too long getting all the bats out of Sue's old-lady vajayjay during her most recent appointment. Or so the lovely and talented bronze medalist Roz Washington would have us believe. Roz delivers a few more similarly-targeted insults over the course of the brief scene that follows, but as we've definitely heard them before, I'll cut to the chase: Once again, McKinley High needs the kind of cash only a Nationals championship can bring, so The Maharishi's deploying the lovely and talented bronze medalist Roz Washington as insurance should something happen to Sue. Nevertheless, Sue is outraged and once the lovely and talented bronze medalist Roz Washington has left the room, Sue proposes the following deal: If she manages to score a victory for New Directions in Chicago -- and thus bring back the fat, ten-thousand-dollar cash prize such a victory would secure for the school -- Figgins will agree to send the lovely and talented bronze medalist Roz Washington back to the damn swimming pool where she belongs. The Maharishi obviously agrees to Sue's terms, for the thing we know...
...Coach Sylvester's putting the Glee Clubbers through their poorly-coordinated paces on the stage of The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion. A lot of rapid-fire wackiness naturally ensues, all of it culminating in Coach Sylvester delivering the following speech to the cowed and terrified children: "You're out of shape, you're constantly late and when you're not too busy texting, you're complaining about the choreography you're too lazy to learn! You're nothing but a coven of tardy, narcissistic, bloated bags of cellulite who will stab each other in the back at the first glimpse of a solo in a competition hosted by a late-night horror-movie host!" Sounds about right to me. And as soon as Coach Sylvester darkly promises, "Those days are over!" we hop on over to...
...The McKinley High Teachers' Lounge, where the ever-agitated Will's just now marching his fussy britches over to Sue's table to berate her like so: "According to the kids, you were your typical, abusive, belligerent self, only more so! I just got this e-mail from Kurt -- 'Mr. Schue, save us! Coach Sue is meaner than Tabatha!'" "First of all," Sue calmly replies, "I have no idea who Porcelain is referring to, though I'm assuming it's gay and niche and secondly, based on the pathetic display I just saw, your Glee Club's back-to-back victories were flukes." Again, sounds about right to me, so I have no idea why Will blusters and flusters and flaps his arms around at this, despite the fact that he opens his mouth to mewl and puke some bit of touchy-feely self-help crap about trying to "inspire and encourage" the children and shut up, Will. Sue rightly points out that Vocal Adrenaline will eat New Directions alive at Nationals should the children not get their act together pronto, and then spouts something about her wildly unpredictable pregnancy hormones that offers the eavesdropping Emma a chance to pipe up regarding Sue's unlikely impending stranger. And that leads to a discussion regarding Sue's medical appointment, during which her obstetrician is supposed to confirm her girl-baby's gender. "Oh, Suuuuuuuuuuuue!" Emma squeals, delighted. "That's a mother-to-be's single most important doctor visit! Who's going with you?" "Same person who's gonna help me raise this child, Barbara Gordon," Sue shoots back by way of response and for those of you painfully slow on the uptake, Sue immediately clarifies, "No one." Batgirl makes a pouty face and immediately invites herself and Will along "for moral support." Excellent! A whole scene I can completely skip once I hit it! Hooray!
And once that's over with, Matt Boner slings an arm across Dreamboat Blaine's shoulders and ambles off with him down the hall, explaining that he's returned to "the Heartland" to "explore [his] salt-of-the-earth roots" because "season's commercials have a lot more intense, gritty character stuff," and if you haven't figured out that Cooper Anderson is a fatuous, navel-gazing, vainglorious douchebag of the highest order by the end of his little shpiel here, you've been blinded by the pretty. Or, you know, you're a moron, but we'll be nice and say you've been blinded the pretty. At the last minute, Coach Sylvester doubles back to pull Matt Boner away from "these ladies" and as she leads tonight's extra-special guest into the far blurry background of the shot, Dreamboat Blaine gets all mopey and sighs, "Yeah, that's why I never really talk about my brother." Like I don't get enough manufactured sibling drama on my other show. Also: Commercials!
Library. Puck has gathered the children of Glee Club together to discuss their options for Senior Ditch Day -- which shouldn't be happening until much later in the school year, so whatever -- and everything's all light-hearted smiles and fun until Idiot Rachel opens her dumb mouth and brings down the mood of the entire room by blubbering something stupid about her ludicrous wedding and Quinn's deeply insulting car accident and Don't Text And Drive! and Crippled For Life! and Wheelchair! and SHUT UP, RACHEL! When it's all over, they decide to go to Six Flags. The nearest of which is five and a half hours away if you don't hit any traffic on the tollways and there is always goddamn traffic on the tollways and this show can rot in Hell.
And when all that shit's over and done with, Puck pulls Frankenteen to another corner of the library to pitch the following brilliant idea: As Lima has only twenty-two pools and as Southern California boasts more than eight hundred thousand, Puck intends to move his pool-cleaning business to Los Angeles after graduation and he'd like Frankenteen to come along as his business partner. "With your brains and my jawline," Puck claims, "we'd kill it." And do I really need to insert the obvious joke about Frankenteen's brains here or can you handle that one on your own? You're good? Excellent.
So, Frankenteen protests that he can't go to Los Angeles because of Idiot Rachel and Fake Drama School In New York and blah, and he has the unmitigated gall to get shirty when Puck wisely suggests that New York's not really in the cards for him. So Puck coyly alters his tactics and asks for help with some local MILF's jacuzzi motor. Because Frankenteen is a moron, he does not realize what Puck's up to at the moment, and so agrees to meet later at the MILF's abode. Dumbass.
Cut to Coach Sylvester scrawling "LAZY IDIOTS" on the music room's whiteboard. Hee. This prelude, apropos of nothing and everything at the same time, leads into her introduction of the eminent Matt Boner to the smitten children and tonight's extra-special guest promises them all a master class in acting technique the following day. First, however, he cajoles a desperately reluctant Dreamboat Blaine into joining him on the floor for a medley of Duran Duran's "Hungry Like The Wolf" and "Rio," and the Auto-Tune is so out of control during the musical sequence that follows that Santana Lopez has little choice but to stare in slackjawed horror at The Brothers Anderson as they prance about the room. I, however, don't mind their wretchedly overprocessed vocals so much because, hey: Matt Boner! Though I do long for the day when Dreamboat Blaine finally buys a pair of pants that fit. And when it's all over, Matt Boner slings an arm across Dreamboat Blaine's shoulders to bask in the children's loud adulation until we slide into this evening's commercial break.
BreadstiX. Matt Boner has finally escorted Dreamboat Blaine to their much-delayed lunch and he proceeds to charm the ungainly khakis off their middle-aged waitress by unleashing a truly abominable Irish accent in her general direction. "Why do you do that?" Dreamboat Blaine eyerolls once their waitress has withdrawn to fetch them some free soda. "Service industry is a great place to try out new accents," Matt Boner replies and oh, my holy God, I think I went to college with shitheads just like him and as I'm on the verge of some violently unpleasant flashbacks at the moment, I'll be skipping ahead to the bit where Matt Boner compliments Dreamboat Blaine on his part in their recent performance. "Thank you!" Dreamboat Blaine smiles, but that smile is short-lived, for Matt Boner follows up his compliment with this: "You were a little pitchy on 'Rio,' and your moves lacked a theme." "My theme was dancing," Dreamboat Blaine testily replies. "But you have to give in to it!" Douchebag Boner counters -- intensely -- before lecturing his brother like so: "Stanislavski says the fingers are the eyes of the body, but he never mentioned that the toes are the ears." Mere transcription cannot possibly do justice to the perfect way that ridiculous line was delivered by this beautiful shitbag. Sigh. In any event -- and to keep this from dragging out -- Dreamboat Blaine tosses down his salad fork in a snit and gripes that Douchebag Boner never once misses the opportunity to deprecate him.
Smear sideways to a Brothers Anderson flashback in which Teen Boner criticizes Wee Blaine's footwork during a performance of Hanson's "MMMBop." I'd make note of Wee Blaine's plaintive, heartrending reply, were it not for the fact that I suddenly find myself wondering how this show can mock dipshit fangirls' past musical choices in the flashbacks while glorifying their present ones during the competition performances.
Smear back to the present, where Douchebag Boner unctuously apologizes for his past behavior before eliciting a promise from Dreamboat Blaine to attend the following afternoon's master class.
Meanwhile, back at McKinley, Artie succeeds in helping Quinn conquer the steepest access ramp on the school's campus. And is it just me or does that wheelchair make her ass look huge? Oh, I'm kidding, I'm kidding -- this is actually the sweetest of their scenes together this evening, aided immensely by the fact that it feels more like Kevin McHale and Dianna Agron just having fun with each other, rather than Artie and Quinn taking time out of their busy schedules to teach us all some tiresome lesson about resilience in the face of adversity. By the way, Artie's wearing this insane martini-tractor sweater during this sequence that I've just now decided counts as "slyly subversive," mainly because I totally didn't notice it at all when the episode originally aired. Drinking and driving? Bad. Drinking and farming? Awesome!
Anyway, after all that, Artie and Quinn chat about their fellow children's ridiculous trip to Six Flags Great America for Senior Skip Day and Artie advises against it, noting that theme parks can be hell on the freshly crippled. As can hellaciously long multi-state bus rides. Just saying. Instead, he invites her along on an as-yet-unspecified jaunt of his own devising, which he promises will amount to "the most amazing and incredible and inspiring Ditch Day ever." If it doesn't involve getting tanked while operating heavy farm machinery, I don't want to know about it.
Music Room. The "MASTER CLASS with Cooper Anderson" is now in session and I don't know about you, but what unfolds over the three minutes of screen time feels awfully familiar to me. I'm not saying that they cobbled together this entire sequence from a few carefully stolen scripts, but the central conceit -- Famous Actor Knows Nothing About Acting -- is definitely something I've seen before somewhere, right down to the overemphasis on dynamic head shots and aggressive finger pointing and shouting random words to convey dramatic tension and ignoring your scene partner. I can't quite place it, but you know what? I'm gonna let it slide because, hey: Matt Boner! Needless to say, the smitten children -- with the notable exception of Dreamboat Blaine -- hang on Douchebag Boner's every word while taking copious notes and by the time the exercise shifts into a hands-on Douchebag-directed run-through of a recent NCIS episode (it's the one with the dead transvestite), Dreamboat Blaine's finally had enough and he explodes at his brother for what I hope are obvious reasons. Once again, Douchebag Boner deploys his considerable charm to smooth over the tense situation and with that, we head on over to...
...Chez "Tennyson," where the pneumatic bleach-blonde lady of the house saunters on out to her pool to offer Puck and Frankenteen a couple of refreshing mocktails. She also pretty much offers them both access to her private ladybits and, after she's sauntered back into the house, Puck titters, "In California? She's considered ugly." It's funny because it's true. The boys get to talking about Puck's indecent proposal some more and long story short, Puck plants the seeds of ugly discord in what's currently passing as Frankenteen's brain, too-innocently wondering why Finn should be the one to sacrifice everything in the relationship I so totally don't care about. Frankenteen takes a moment to absorb Puck's many implications or something and then mouth-breathes his way into this evening's commercial break.
Oh, hello, Scene I Promised To Ignore! Batgirl and Will accompany Sue to her doctor's appointment and are thus present when Sue's obstetrician announces, "Your amnio came back with irregularities." Dun-dun-DUN!
Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High. Brit-Brit snaps candids of Douchebag Boner posing with The Leprechaun -- yes, she forgets to remove the lens cap -- and we learn that, while Douchebag Boner has not met George Clooney, he has had sex with the Progressive Insurance lady and woo! You go on with your bad self, Flo! Lucky hag. In any event, Dreamboat Blaine arrives and Douchebag Boner's quick to share his latest bit of good news: He just scored an audition for Michael Bay's latest flick. "The movie's untitled," Douchebag Boner excitedly confides, "which you know is code for Transformers 4." Both Dreamboat Blaine and I want to hurl. "You don't seem very happy for me," Douchebag Boner notes, directing that remark to his on-screen brother. "I'm thrilled," Dreamboat Blaine deadpans. "Wouldn't kill you to smile," Douchebag Boner harrumphs before pointedly eyeing Dreamboat Blaine up and down and adding, "It also wouldn't kill you to stop letting Kurt pick out your clothes." This is also funny because it's true, though Dreamboat Blaine of course denies it. Douchebag Boner urges Dreamboat Blaine to spend Skip Day running lines with him and, once again, Dreamboat Blaine's had it -- again some more -- though this time Douchebag Boner's considerable charm fails him, and it leads to...
...A Very Dramatic Musical Number. In this instance, it's Dreamboat Blaine belting out Christina Aguilera's "Fighter," and I have zero recollection of this song from ten years ago. None whatsoever. I think it might be because everyone was still playing "Lady Marmalade" and "Dirrrty" and "Beautiful" back then -- if they weren't trying their damn best to ignore her melodramatic ass, that is -- but yeah: I do not recognize this song at all. Which ends up working in this sequence's favor as far as I'm concerned, because I'm walking into it free of the preconceptions many on the forum boards seemed to have had when this episode originally aired. Which means I can focus instead on the gloriously delicate interplay of light and shadow on Darren Criss's muscular back when Dreamboat Blaine takes an entirely gratuitous shower in the middle of the song. Hooray!
Dreamboat Blaine somehow ends up onstage in The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion at the end of it all -- completely clothed, alas, with those asinine floods of his on full display -- and he closes the song by screaming its final lyrics at a massive bank of screens running endless loops of Douchebag Boner making male-model faces, for whatever ridiculous reason and the instant it's over, we cut to...
...the hall, where clumsy oaf Frankenteen nearly lumbers into New Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name I Can't Remember. I'd berate Frankenteen for that, I'm sure, were it not for the fact that New Guy With Gross Hair has chosen to go barefoot, which makes me want Finn to kill him. Between the gross hair and the bare feet and the holier-than-thou attitude no jury would ever convict you, Finn! Kill him! KILL HIM NOW! Unfortunately, Finn does not listen to me and instead turns to receive an incredibly stupid lecture from Quinn on the dangers of Texting While Walking, though I suppose it could be much, much worse, because they've got a poster on the wall in the background of this scene decrying the pernicious effects of i-Dosing, so I suppose it's a mercy Quinn has chosen to focus on Frankenteen's Distracted Walking instead. And once all of that has passed, Artie rolls up so he and Quinn might together politely decline Frankenteen's invitation to Six Flags Great America that Friday. "We have a super-special Senior Ditch Day planned," Quinn smugs and I believe I'll be the judge of that, missy. Frankenteen looks confused for a moment, then lurches off into this evening's commercial break.
Coach Sylvester's Office. Becky appears at the door, offers Coach Sylvester a few sage words of advice regarding Sue's imminent and perhaps differently-abled offspring and leaves. Well, that was useful. It'll be even more useful when Sue miscarries. Oh, don't look at me like that -- you know they're not taking this ridiculous pregnancy to term. I'm sure it'll all make for a fabulous Emmy reel for Jane Lynch, though. Not that she needs the additional help mind you, but still.
Elsewhere, Skip Day has apparently arrived as Artie and Quinn are just now disembarking from a bus labeled -- and make sure you're sitting down for this -- "FAUROT PARK." As in, the actual Faurot Park that actually exists in actual Lima in actual Ohio! I know! I can't believe it, either! "What are we doing here?" I'm sure Quinn asks and she's not long waiting for the answer to that one, for Artie wastes little time leading her over to a friendly handicapable skate park overflowing with friendly handicapable skate punks. "I don't think I'm ready for this," Quinn eyebrows, looking askance at the various handicapable half-pipes now arrayed somewhere below her temporarily useless feet. "Yeah, you are!" Artie assures her. "Just trust me!" Against her better judgment, Quinn wheels herself to the edge of the friendly handicapable abyss, nervously glances back at Artie for a tender moment of friendly reassurance, launches herself into a sick Double Cork 1080 on her very first go, biffs the complicated maneuver completely because she's a stupid noob and splits her damn fool skull open when she lands head-first on the concrete below. Sucks to be her!
Or not as the case may be; for instead of immediately killing herself, Quinn joins Artie in a rousing rendition of this song by this eclectic collection of hipster fetuses and their subsequent scenes of rollicking handicapable fun are intercut with similar scenes of the rest of the gang hitting the rides at Six Flags Great America and it's all so aggressively obnoxious and tween-oriented that I want to kill myself. The hell I want to watch these morons screaming on a rollercoaster for?
And when it's all over, thoughtless Artie ruins everything when he tells Quinn she's going to be in that wheelchair forever. Forever! Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Quinn loudly insists he's an asshole and rolls herself into this evening's commercial break in the throes of an almighty snit. And if you haven't rewatched that scene since this episode originally aired, I urge you to do so, if only because the clichéd blocking and the laughably lousy line deliveries and the sad plinking of a soft piano on the soundtrack all come awfully close to sending the entire exchange into deliriously awesome over-the-top soap opera territory. Though it would have been so much better if she pushed him into a convenient lily pond before rolling the hell out of there. This show. This awful, evil show.
Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High. Quinn and New Guy With Gross Hair spend several minutes talking about Jesus, so I fast-forward to the bit where she invites him to join New Directions.
The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion. Quinn introduces New Guy With Gross Hair to the other children in the choir and when he crosses to take his place in front of Puck for their subsequent dance rehearsal, Puck helpfully notes, "Dude, you have a twig in your hair." New Guy With Gross Hair scowls. "No, seriously," Puck insists. New Guy With Gross Hair reaches up, extracts the bit of offending plant matter from his fugly coif and thanks Puck for his kindness. Hee. The scary part is, New Guy With Gross Hair somehow manages to look relatively attractive from time to time. You know, from certain angles. When the camera's a little out of focus and the lights are dim. Oh, shut up.
Mr. Schue, who's been there the entire time -- though I've only seen fit to note his presence right now -- cedes the floor to Coach Sylvester, who lectures the assembled children as follows: "It has come to my attention that I have been a tad...harsh with some of you, though I thought I was being kind. For instance, I said absolutely nothing about the implausible sexual tension between Mercedes and The Kentucky Fried Stripper or the sorry fact that you wasted untold millions on a laser show for yourselves just so Sandbags could dance with the night school's Polynesian janitor." "Actually, he was Puerto Rican," Santana Lopez interjects at this juncture in what will sadly be her only line of the evening. "Kids," Coach Sylvester continues, ignoring her, "it's in my DNA to be intense, just like it's in Porcelain's DNA to poop rainbow glitter." St. Gay Of Lima goes all goggle-eyed while Dreamboat Blaine nods knowingly. "Now I'll admit I behaved badly," Coach Sylvester concedes, finally drawing close to the purpose of this surprisingly entertaining monologue, "but I also realized something. I am here for two very important reasons: Number one, Mr. Schuester needs at least one adult friend; and number two, I am hoping that the miraculous life growing inside of me can soak up some of your constantly annoying though admittedly laudable optimism and decency." Yeah, it doesn't work that way, Sue. Oh, what the hell am I talking to the TV for? They're never going to listen to me. Whatever.
And after a pause fraught with significant glances amongst those present on the stage, Coach Sylvester concludes, "Now, I promise to be nicer if you promise to work your talented little butts off until they hand you that first-place trophy in Chicago." Smiles abound and just when I feel the bile rise, I remember she's got an ulterior motive for them winning and I calm down a little bit. You know, even though they're going to fuck it all up in the end, anyway. "All right, sloppy babies!" Coach Sylvester calls out in a deliberate reference to the show's pilot. "Let's take it from the top!"
And here's where the acid kicks in. We return first to the hallowed halls of dear McKinley High, where Dreamboat Blaine bitches at St. Gay Of Lima about his brother for a bit, after which St. Gay suggests his boyfriend serenade Douchebag Boner with an appropriate song. Dreamboat Blaine thinks real hard about that one for a moment, sashays back into The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion to find the ever-mute members of The McKinley Jazz Ensemble already laying on the opening bars of Gotye's "Somebody That I Used To Know" and proceeds to sing this song to his even dreamier brother, even though "Somebody That I Used To Know" is about a romantically-involved couple who realize they hate each other. Now, mind you, I would probably pay good cash money to watch Darren Criss and Matt Bomer make out with each other, but in this context Dreamboat Blaine's magical song selection is just all kinds of nasty and wrong. And it gets even worse when Douchebag Boner joins Dreamboat Blaine onstage for a soulful duet. It totally doesn't help that they totally look like they're going to have hate sex the second they've finished yodeling in each others' faces. I feel so unclean.
And when it's over, the ever-mute members of The McKinley Jazz Ensemble slink off into the shadows, mortified by what they've just witnessed. Once they're gone, Dreamboat Blaine and Matt Boner, of course, make amends and I am more than ready to move on to the scene when Matt Boner suddenly blurts out, "We're not just brothers, right?"
After the lengthy, l-e-n-g-t-h-y pause that follows, just when I'm about to start screaming and screaming and screaming for the rest of my life, Matt Boner brightly adds, "We're friends, too!" and I instantly feel the fool, because I am now willing to bet the heavy and heavily inappropriate sexual tension on display between The Brothers Anderson was a very deliberate and very sick joke on the part of this show's producers. And then I feel a little better about that last song.
Hall. Idiot Rachel, sporting a cute 'n' sassy top, bops up to Frankenteen at his locker and, after they make schmoopy noises at each other, Frankenteen mentions Puck's earlier comment about, um, the need for reciprocal sacrifice in mature relationships or whatever the hell he was talking about and then they have a screechy argument and then they break up. Pity!
week, Glee murders the Bee Gees. See you then!
Demian freely admits that Matt Boner's stellar good looks affected his grading of this episode. You may reach him at demian_twop@yahoo.com.