Sugar High

S03E13

It's another insane holiday at McKinley High. This time, it's Valentine's Day. Finn and Rachel get ambushed by her two dads, who have learned about the engagement (through a Kurt to Burt to Carole to Gay Dads connection), and are actually supportive. So we weren't wrong -- they have always been the worst parents in the world. Now that all their parents know, Finn and Rachel tell the rest of the glee club about their upcoming nuptials, leading to a definite schism between those who realize that this is a moronic idea and those who are willing to support this moronic idea. Except it's all an evil plot by all of the parents, who throw the two kids into instant domesticity by inviting them to sleep together. The resulting intimacy causes them to fight, but then they stupidly decide they're ready for marriage anyway. So they decide to get married in May. Stupid parents.

Sugar Motta is having a huge V-Day bash, but no singletons are allowed to attend. Rory and Artie both decide that they'll ask Sugar to her own party, and they start pitching woo. Rory is clearly better at the romantic stuff, until Artie wows Sugar with a song. But then Rory claims to have been denied an extension on his student visa, and uses Sugar's natural sympathy to gain the upper hand, winning the coveted invitation to be Sugar's date. Except that it's clearly a lie.

Santana and Brit-Brit are also celebrating Valentine's Day -- right up until the Maharishi busts them for an innocent kiss. Sick of the double standard that lets Finn and Rachel swap spit whenever and wherever they want to, Santana challenges the Christian Club (made up of Mercedes, Quinn, Sam, and Glee Project co-winner Samuel) to deliver a musical valentine to Brit (a service the club is providing to raise funds). Which leads to an absolutely cracktastic discussion of religious views of gayness. But of course the God Squad comes around, and sings the song at Sugar's party.

Mercedes has told Shane about her love for Sam. But she feels so guilty for breaking his (enormous) heart, that she tells Sam she can't be with him or anybody else. Which leads to a completely coincidental tribute to Whitney Houston, as Mercedes sings Dolly Parton's "I Will Always Love You." And lots of tears from Sam, Mercedes, and Shane.

Even though Blaine is still recuperating from his surgery, Kurt has still been receiving Valentines every day from a secret admirer. Convinced that it's Blaine, Kurt accepts his admirer's invitation to meet at Breadstix before Sugar's party. Except that his admirer isn't Blaine -- it's Karofsky. Not only does Kurt have to let Karofsky down easy, but a jock from Karofsky's new school sees them together, and comes to some unfortunate but not unexpected conclusions. And then at Sugar's party Blaine does reappear, just in time to sing "Love Shack."

As I type this, it's Valentine's Day. Your present to me will be that you don't care that I'm not linking to any songs in this recaplet. I know that's what you also gave me for Christmas, but I've decided to forgive you for your lack of creativity. Maybe year you could at least come up with some roses?

Music room. Various couples (Tina and Mike, Rachel and Finn, Santana and Brit) cavort, while Kurt looks glum. Will enters, and we see that he's already written "World's Greatest Love Songs" on the white board. Because that's the club's assignment for Valentine's week -- to sing some great love songs. You might think this is just more of Will's procrastination, since the club really should be planning for Regionals, which is just a week away. But there's actually some method to his stupidity this week -- they still need to raise money for costumes, and he plans to have the kids offer a Valentine's-themed singing telegram service to raise that money.

The kids (other than Rachel) are dismayed that he plans to publicize this service by having them serenade each class, but Sugar (wearing a sea of red silk and satin and heart-shaped shades) puts everybody's mind at rest when she donates the $250 they need to raise. Everyone claps, which delights Sugar: "I love the sound of applause, even if I have to pay for it." She tells them all to look under their chairs ("Except for you, Artie. Your chair kept moving, so I hid your surprise in the waste basket."), where she has placed a heart-shaped box of chocolates. All of this is just part of her way of inviting them to the huge V-Day party her father is throwing for her at the Sugar Shack, which is what she's calling Breadstix for the night. But no single people are allowed at the party: "They're sad. And boring. And they don't exist in my world." Mercedes points out that Sugar is single. Sugar: "Not for long." Which catches the attention of Artie and Rory the Leprechaun, who have each been giving Sugar the eye during this scene. Title card.

Auditorium. Rachel and Finn enter from opposite doors. They're surprised to see each other, since they each received an urgent message from Mandy Patinkin to meet in the auditorium. And that's when they hear the strains of "Chapel of Love," being sung not well by Rachel's fathers on the stage. As publicized, Rachel's fathers are being played by Jeff Goldblum (as Hiram) and Brian Stokes Mitchell (as Leroy).

After just a few lines of the song, they take a break to bicker. Rachel wants to know what her fathers are doing at the school, since they've never before even bothered to show up for a single performance of hers. They're there because Kurt told Burt about Finn and Rachel's wedding plans, and Burt shared the news with Carole, and Carole shared it with one or both of Rachel's dads. Finn starts to apologize for not having asked their permission, but Leroy interrupts him to let him know that they're there to offer their congratulations and their blessing. But not without also slyly dropping some cold facts on them about the divorce rate of idiots who marry in their teens. They want to start the planning for the wedding with a Valentine's Day dinner at their house, with Finn and his family as their guests. Well, that'll be interesting.

Mercedes gavels to order a meeting of the God Squad, which is apparently the name of McKinley's Christian club. There are four kids there, each sitting alone on one side of an array of four tables. Either they were expecting a much larger turnout, or these kids really hate each other. Present are Mercedes, Sam, Quinn (returning from a long spell of insanity) and newcomer Joe Hart. As some forum posters have noted, if Quinn is just coming back and Joe is new, does that mean the God Squad has consisted just of Sam and Mercedes before this moment?

Anyway, Joe is a formerly home-schooled kid attending public school for the first time in his life. Joe's a combination of every home-schooled cliché you can imagine, mixing together elements of hippy home-schooled kids (long hair, tattoos, nose ring, antipathy to shoes) and right wing evangelical home-schooled kids (only knows Christian music, the tattoos are all bible verses, dad only listens to talk radio). He's conveniently carrying a guitar. And he's played by Glee Project co-winner Samuel Larsen. Sam (the character, not the reality-show winner [Note: Though, also kind of the reality show winner, as Ryan Murphy will tell you... -- RS.]) suggests that the God Squad pick up the singing telegram torch that the New Directions dropped to raise money for some worthy causes. Joe thinks that's a great idea: "I'd love to show the school that it's cool to be Christian. We aren't all just door-to-door bible salesmen, like my dad." The idea is approved unanimously.

Cafeteria. Kurt sits down with the rest of the gleeks, who are talking about which sorority member Puck will be bringing to Sugar's party. (The answer? All of them.) Puck is boasting about his promiscuity, having decided that the true love thing isn't for him. But it is for Kurt, who's reveling in the fact that even though he hasn't seen Blaine for a couple weeks due to his eye surgery, Blaine has still managed to send him a valentine every day. Wait, Kurt hasn't seen Blaine for two weeks? Did his parents send him off to Switzerland to convalesce?

Artie is quick to note that the card Kurt is holding is signed "Your Secret Admirer." And then everyone is startled as someone in a very ugly gorilla costume walks up behind Kurt to deliver a gorilla-gram. It's a "Be my valentine" message, along with a stuffed monkey and some balloons. Kurt rubs his true love in Puck's face (not like that!), and then asks Rory who he's bringing to Sugar's party. The answer is "Sugar," which brings Artie up short, since he had the same plan. So now they're going to fight for her.

Music room. Tina and Mike Chang sing a lovely rendition of "L-O-V-E" most famously performed by Nat King Cole. It's just them and the band, and the music is the background for a montage of Artie and Rory competing over Sugar's love. For every move one makes, the other tops him. Artie gives her a "hug me" candy heart, and then Rory gives her one that says "kiss me." Along with an enormous bag of other candy hearts. Rory stands at her locker and gives her a giant satin and lace heart that reads "Be Mine," and then Artie tells her to open the locker so that shiny plastic heart confetti rains down on her. Artie gives her a cute stuffed puppy, and Rory gives her an adorable live puppy. The song finishes, and we head to commercials.

Brit approaches Santana in the hallway, holding her pink laptop open in front of her. She's there to deliver a valentine, which is a playlist of, "All the songs I hear in my head when I'm with you, or when I'm thinking about you." The list was supposed to turn into a CD, but Brit-Brit couldn't figure out how to make that part happen without help. She turns the laptop to show Santana the cover she made, which is a cute picture of the two of them together. The list, by the way, features the following: "Purple People Eater"; "Disco Duck"; "Monster Mash"; "On Top of Spaghetti"; "Pac-Man Fever"; "Osama Yo' Mama"; "Diff'rent Strokes Theme Song." They're about to share a Valentine's kiss when we hear the clarion call of the Maharishi: "Teen lesbians! I must see you in my office right now."

Maharishi's Den of Double Standards. Santana is pissed off that she and Brit are prevented from kissing just because they're two girls. Figgins: "Please don't make this about your Sapphic orientation." He tells them the issue is public displays of affection, which have no place in school. He tells them that there have been complaints. He names the date and time, and we flash back to a completely innocent peck. Santana is enraged that they get called out for the tiniest display of physical affection while straight couples suck face with impunity. Flash back again, but this time to Finn and Rachel engaging in some tonsil hockey. Figgins: "Believe me, I'd much rather see you and Santana kiss than that so-called Finchel." Since Santana's been doing all the talking, it's kind of weird that he's addressing his remark to Brit-Brit. Unless maybe he doesn't know which is which. He mentions that the complaint was religiously-motivated, and that sets Santana off some more. She storms out of the office after giving him what for over the double standard.

Music room. Everyone is there. Artie subtly shows Sugar his ability to pop a wheelie in his chair while Rory sort of juggles for her. Will comes in and tells Artie to keep all four wheels on the floor and then turns said floor over to Rachel and Finn. They've decided to announce their engagement, since all of their parents already know. The reaction is mostly stunned silence. Except for Puck, who asks the baby's due date. Kurt tells them they're making a big mistake. Quinn asks when they're planning on doing the deed, and Rachel tells her that they haven't decided yet. But they are registered at Samuel French. Quinn notes that they're not mature enough to make this kind of commitment. Rachel basically tells anyone who doesn't approve to cram it. Even though she was hoping to have Quinn and Kurt as her bridesmaids. Tina and Mike are more supportive, as is Artie. And then Artie takes the floor to sing Mario's "Let Me Love You," with Mike, Sam, Kurt and Puck as his boy band backup dancers. Sugar loves it, while Rory stews in his own juices. After they finish, Sugar hops in his lap and tells him to wheel her to class.

Improbable outdoor lunch area. Santana and Rachel are walking together. Santana wants to tell Rachel that she's completely supportive of her marriage, since it's her right to decide that she wants to be unhappy with Finn for the rest of her life. And then Mercedes and the God Squad approach with their first singing telegram, from Finn to Rachel. It's the Gym Class Heroes' "Stereo Hearts."

Joe and Mercedes take the lead on the singing, while Sam does the rapping. At one point Sam walks across a lunch table and snatches a chocolate rose out of a girl's hand to present to Rachel. The song finishes big, with a church choir coming down the concrete stairs. As the song ends, the girl from whom Sam stole the chocolate rose inexplicably does not demand that Rachel give it back to her. But Santana does note that the God Squad is a Christian club, and then pays them $10 to serenade her girlfriend, Brittany. Poor Joe Hart is confused by the notion of girlfriends. By the way, at $10, this singing telegram bargain is quite a bargain. Commercials.

Music room. How many times a day does New Directions rehearse? Anyway, Will gives the floor to Rory. He spins a sob story about how he couldn't get his student visa extended so that he could stay another year, which makes him sad because it means he'll have to leave his new glee club family. (They also establish that he's a sophomore this year, so if the producers decide they enjoy having an emotionless block of wood in the cast, we might be stuck with him for two more years.) This is all prelude to him singing Michael Bublé's "Home." At the end of which, Sugar notices the single perfect tear he squeezed out and accepts his invitation to go to her own party. Mostly because she feels worse for him than she did for Artie.

God Squad. Mercedes gavels the meeting into order. The only agenda item is deciding if they feel comfortable singing to gay people. Sam points out that he, Mercedes and Quinn are constantly singing to, with, to, or in the general vicinity of gay people. But Mercedes is worried about the feelings of home-schooled Joe. Joe starts out by noting that he's never met anybody who's gay. Quinn: "Oh, I guarantee you have." Quinn, do you know something about Joe's door-to-door bible salesman father that you're not telling the rest of us? Mercedes: "They say one out of every ten people is gay. And if that's true, one of the apostles might have been gay. My bet's Simon, 'cause that name's the gayest." Quinn notes that Jesus never said anything about gay people. Sam: "Well, maybe he wanted to, but he didn't want to hurt Simon's feelings." In the end, they leave the decision up to Joe. Who needs time to think about it. Quinn tells him that she supports his desire to really confront this difficult question so he can find an honest answer, because that's what being Christian is all about. The crazed right-wingers that this scene just pissed off would beg to differ, Quinn. I think they view confronting and dealing with difficult questions to be one of the worst sins.

Hallway. Mercedes is at her locker when Sam approaches with a heart-shaped box. It's not candy -- it's a statue of St. Valentine. He starts to explain how he made said statue when Mercedes interrupts him to tell him that she told Shane about her relationship with Sam. And everyone who thought that Shane would get angry and maybe become violent with Mercedes or Sam are prejudiced against huge man-mountains who play violent sports. Because Shane cried, having just been punched in the heart by the woman he loved. Sam is sorry that Shane was hurt, but clearly happy that he can be together with Mercedes without having to keep it a secret. Except that Mercedes doesn't think she can do that. Quinn's little speech about honesty really got to her, and she doesn't think she can forgive herself for having lied and cheated. So she tells Sam she can't be with him.

As Sam walks away, she sings Dolly Parton's "I Will Always Love You," which was most famously recorded by Whitney Houston. After the opening lines, it transitions to a performance in the music room. And then to a performance on the stage, with Mercedes looking great in a red satin dress and long wavy hair. It's an excellent showcase for Amber Riley, and I wish it had come at a time when people could focus on the performance, rather than the timing of when it aired. At the end of the song, Sam and Mercedes are both in tears. Commercials.

Welcome to the Berry residence, for the gayest dinner party ever held. Rachel and her dads are singing the Cole Porter standard "You're the Top," for a captive audience of Finn, Carole and Burt. Finn excitedly asks his mother why they never sing songs around the piano at their house. After they finish, Rachel thanks them for joining them in their "nightly tradition of turning plain old dinner into dinner theatre." You guys, I really don't like Rachel's fathers. But the casting and writing for them is kind of genius, because I can easily see how these two idiots would raise a spoiled prima donna like Rachel. And then dinner is served.

At the dinner table, Hiram is telling Burt a story of how he and Leroy were sold the wrong lube, which made the rubber squeak and feel funny whenever they go too fast. He's talking about car repairs, duh. What were you thinking it was? Carole compliments Hiram on the gorgeous house. He thanks her and gives credit to "Nate Berkus, a dear, dear friend." Leroy, sharply: "That's not true."

Finn asks the Misters Berry how they met -- it turns out they were members of Up With People, along with Glenn Close. Hiram stands to make a toast, welcoming husky young Finn and the entire Hudson-Hummel clan to their family. After the toast, Hiram tells them to prepare for dessert. "And then we're going to commence with the teenage lovemaking." My first reaction to hearing that was that either Hiram was having a stroke, or I was. The kids are stunned into silence, but the parents all exchange deadly serious little nods. Carole packed a bag for Finn, complete with his jammies. As Burt tells the kids, if they're getting married, it's time for their parents to treat them like adults. So Burt and Carole will go see a movie and Hiram and Leroy will hang out in the living room while Finn and Rachel retire to the boudoir.

Boudoir. Rachel and Finn can't believe their parents are letting them sleep together. Finn suggests they go to bed. Rachel agrees, but puts the kibosh on any hanky panky --she just can't think about that while her dads are right around the corner. She retreats to the bathroom for her insane nighttime beauty ritual (although skipping the nightly tea with her dads). She's not quite done when Finn tells her he really needs to use the bathroom, since it was a really big meal. Rachel: "No, you can't do that here." He thinks she's joking when she suggests he hold it until he's at his house, and tells her he doesn't mind if she stays in the bathroom while he does his business. But Rachel cannot abide the thought of being in the same room as him while he drops a deuce. In fact, she doesn't think they should ever defecate while they're in the same building. He asks her what she thinks life will be like when they're living in a tiny little closet in NY, and she tells him that he'll use the bathroom while she's at school and she'll used the bathroom while he's... doing whatever it is that he'll be doing. This sparks a fight about her expectations for his future. We flash downstairs to see that Hiram and Leroy are listening to the fight. They clink champagne glasses. "Gentlemen, to evil... or at least, reverse psychology." Back in the boudoir, Finn grabs a magazine and stalks off to use the downstairs bathroom, telling her that she won't have to worry about adding "sleep with Finn" to her insane bedtime schedule. She throws a brush at the door as he walks away. That was actually a clever plan on the parents' part. Commercials.

Kurt, in a dark red satin quilted jacket, enters the Sugar Shack. The waitress tells him they're about to close for a private party. He tells her that he knows that, but that the note he got from his secret admirer told him to meet there before the party. And then the gorilla enters. Kurt thinks it's Blaine. Does he think that Blaine's eye surgery would transform him into a guy who towers over Kurt? Because there's no way the ape in that gorilla suit is Blaine. Kurt realizes this when the gorilla hands him a card that says "I think I love you." Since there is no doubt about Blaine's feelings, Kurt knows this can't be Blaine. And then the gorilla removes his mask, and it's Karofsky. DUN!

Kurt and Karofsky sit at a table together. Kurt is asking Karofsky if he's really supposed to believe that he tormented Kurt, hate-kissed him, forced him to switch schools and is now in love with him? Karofsky blames his bad treatment of Kurt on his own self-loathing. Which is actually completely normal, and often the reason the worst homophobes are the way they are. Karofsky, his hand shaking, takes Kurt's hand and tells him that he's trying to be honest about what he feels. Kurt slowly withdraws his hand and tells Karofsky that while he's flattered, he doesn't think Karofsky is really in love with him. Not to mention the fact that Kurt is with Blaine. When Kurt brings out the "I like you as a friend line," Karofsky starts to feel the shame of rejection and gets up to leave. Which is when some meathead from his new school sees him there with Kurt. Kurt tries to cover for him, but the jock clearly believes he's witnessing some kind of lover's spat. Karofsky storms out.

Finn and Rachel spoon in her bed. They apparently made up while we weren't looking. Which is really just one of the worst writing decisions this show has ever made. I mean, did they address at all the fact that one or both of them are profoundly unready for the incredible intimacy that comes with being married and living together? Did Rachel apologize for her stupidity about the bathroom? Or did Finn apologize for something that wasn't really his fault? Anyway, they look at the clock and realize it's 7:15. In the morning? No, apparently the same evening as the dinner party. So they sat down to dinner at 4:00? There's no other way this entire insane timeline makes sense. I mean, really, it couldn't be 8:15 or 9:15? Are we really supposed to think Sugar's big party was starting so early? GAH!

Downstairs, Leroy is cleaning up from dinner and telling Hiram that he likes Carole when she's a little drunk. Hiram shushes him -- he's listening for noise from upstairs, and can't help but notice that the fighting has stopped. Hiram is feeling bad about lying to Rachel. "Honesty, respect, dance. Those are the foundations of the Berry family." But Leroy thinks some dishonest reverse psychology is the only way to get Rachel to realize what an absolutely moronic decision she's making. Rachel and Finn enter the room to tell them that they're going to the party, and that Finn will probably go back to his own house after that. Hiram and Leroy tell them that they hope that the difficulties they're experiencing re: cohabitation don't cause them to delay the wedding by a few months or a few years. To the contrary -- Rachel and Finn have decided to get married in May, to give themselves as much time as possible to get used to being together. Gentlemen, I think you toasted to evil a little too soon. Commercials.

The Sugar Shack. Sugar gets on the microphone and welcomes everyone to the party. She also tells them to look under their chairs (except for Artie, who needs to look in a potted plant), where they will find a ton of high dollar gift certificates. Sugar thanks her father for making the party possible: "P.S., he is not in the mafia." And then she introduces the God Squad. Who, of course, are happy to sing a Valentine from Santana to Brit-Brit, because, "Love is love." And the song they sing is a mash-up of Madonna's "Cherish" and The Association's song of the same name. While they sing, Sugar and Rory dance. She tells him she'll miss him, and potato-brain has so quickly forgotten his lie about having to return to Ireland that he doesn't know what she's talking about for a second.

And then Sugar welcomes back her "extra special guest, back from the dead, and cute and compact as ever." It's Blaine. He's wearing a heart-shaped eyepatch, which he almost immediately removes. And then he sings The B-52s' "Love Shack." But as some friends of mine notes, Fred Schneider's lines in this song aren't really meant to be sung. So it just sounds wrong. But Mercedes, Rachel and Brit-Brit are amazing. And Kurt clearly gets it when he takes a couple of lines. It's a great party scene, but overall a bust as a song. And then we finish with a dedication to Whitney Houston.

By LTG