When You're A Gleek, You're A Gleek All The Way

S03E05

So, you know how we all thought this was going to be the West Side Story episode, which would mean big drama? It turns out that the show has finally produced an episode full of tenderly wrought emotion, intimate scenes, and genuine subtlety. I know, right? Did someone drug the writers? Or take their drugs away?

Anyway, it really is time for the musical, so we spend a fair amount of time watching rehearsals, and finish with some actual performance moments. Artie is convinced that Blaine and Rachel can't convey passion on the stage because they've never experience passion in their own lives. Rachel, ever ambitious, decides this means she should finally have sex with Finn. But he realizes that she's doing it for the stage, not for him, and gets mad at her. So then she puts it to a committee made up of Quinn, Santana, Brit-Brit, and Tina to help her decide if she should go for the sex or keep waiting. Quinn, Santana, and Brit all make her think that she would regret it, so she decides to wait. And then Tina tells a lovely, completely sex-positive story about her first time. So at the end of the episode, after the show and after he learns that he won't be recruited by Ohio State, she and Finn finally have sex.

Blaine doesn't take Artie's acting tips to heart, deciding that he's content to keep waiting with Kurt. Kurt, however, seems a little more eager to move things along. But stuff doesn't really happen until Blaine pays a visit to the Warblers, where a new transfer student wastes no time in pursuing our favorite dreamboat. Blaine's clearly intrigued, but tells Sebastian (the vicious interloper's name) that he has a boyfriend. Sebastian doesn't seem to mind, and he even invites Kurt and Blaine to join him at Scandals, West Lima's only gay bar. The show really captures the small-town gay bar feel, as well as the combination of fear and exhilaration that comes with a kid's first visit to the local gay bar. While Blaine gets drunk (on one beer) and dances with Sebastian, Kurt hangs at the bar and runs into... Max Karofsky! Karofsky has apparently transferred to a new school for his senior year, and seems genuinely happy living a closeted life at school while spending the occasional evening at the gay watering hole. And Kurt seems, if not happy, at least content to see Karofsky and put the bullying behind him. Blaine drunkenly tries to get Kurt to have sex with him in the back seat of Kurt's car, causing Kurt to get pretty pissed off. But at the end of the episode, after the show, Kurt invites himself over to Blaine's house, where they make sweet love.

Speaking of sweet love, Coach Beiste finally gets herself a beau. He's the self-same recruiter from Ohio State who shoots down Finn's dreams, but he's clearly got eyes for the Panther from the moment he appears on screen. It takes a while for him to actually make her see that, but after a truly beautiful bit of acting from Dot Jones, she agrees to go out with him.

Also, Artie learns that his true passion is to direct, while Mike Chang has a confrontation with his father, in which they kind of declare each other dead.

Featuring... you know what? Almost all the songs are from West Side Story, and if you don't know them, then you are already dead to me. And if you don't know the only other song (Billy Joel's Uptown Girl, performed by the Warblers), then you are dead to the world. So no links this week.

Check out which musical numbers are the favorites of each Glee star and producer.

We open on a shot of Artie, strutting down the hallway. I mean, strutting to the extent you can strut in a wheelchair. Which, surprisingly, is quite a bit, based on the amount of swagger Artie's working. His voice-over tells us that he's feeling enlightened, because he's discovered what his passion is. He throws a high-five to Puck, who obliviously walks right past him. Artie's passion is not being ignored by punks with really bad fake mohawks. It's directing (or, as Artie terms it, "bossing everyone around"), which he's realized since he was put in charge of West Side Story. The key is just making decisions, even if you have no idea what you're talking about. Did Artie go to the same leadership seminar as my boss? Artie's point is illustrated with a flashback of him reviewing wardrobe for Maria (modeled by Rachel), randomly selecting the ugliest option possible. His V.O. informs us that the musical is just days away.

Cut to the auditorium, where Artie and his two co-directors, Emma and Coach Beiste, are listening to Rachel and Blaine rehearse "Tonight." But they're still reading off of sheet music. And there don't really seem to be any sets assembled. And Rachel and Blaine are just standing at the piano, not doing any kind of blocking at all. This is not what I recall "a few days before the show" looking like. And yet we get to hear them singing much of the song, in the most boring way possible. Beiste is moved to tears (which is apparently her reaction to every song), and Emma is also thrilled. But Artie thinks they lack any kind of chemistry or passion. He is not getting the vibe of "sexual awakening" off of Rachel and Blaine. At the sound of the word "sexual," Emma and Beiste both freeze like terrified bunnies. Artie asks Rachel and Blaine if either of them have ever done it, leading Emma and Beiste to make up excuses to flee the room. Artie tells Rachel and Blaine how exciting it was the first time he had sex with Brit-Brit ("even though she called me the wrong name like four times"), and asks them what their first time was like. Except that they've each been holding out for that special moment. Artie: "As you friend, I support your strange aversion to fun. But as your director, I'm concerned." And then Artie basically tells them that he doesn't think they can do a good job in their roles unless they've had sex. I hear Tim Burton gave similar advice to Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter prior to filming Sweeney Todd. The sudden rash of rich gentlemen disappearing on days they had appointments with their barber is completely unrelated.

By LTG

Finn is helping Rachel hang her campaign poster. It's a picture of her disembodied head with the slogan "Put a Berry on Top." As she directs him to hang another poster on another wall, we can see some other posters in the background. Kurt stuck with his unicorn theme. And there's some poster that appears to feature a stark white face with tons of black makeup around the eyes. Is Peter Criss running for class president? Rachel asks Finn who he's going to vote for. He tells her that he's having trouble, since Kurt is his brother, "and it's kind of hard to vote against your brother." Rachel: "But you can't do this with your brother." And she leans in and gives him a sexy kiss. And not to be contrarian, but I bet he could do that with his brother if he just asked. Finn, pleased with her amorous attitude, asks her what's gotten into her. She tells him that she's just feeling good, since the show has sold out for all three nights. Also, Jewfro has done a poll that shows her tied for first place in the election. Who did he poll? The ten people at the school who don't hate Rachel? Finn's excited too, because a recruiter for Ohio State will be at the football game on Friday night. Rachel is actually happy for Finn, which is surprising to him and to me. But let's roll with it. Finn tells Rachel that Burt and Carol are out of town on campaign business, and he has the house to himself. Um, where's Kurt in all this? Anyway, Finn invites Rachel to come to his house, which they both see as an invitation to come to his pants. And get inside them. She offers to be there at 6:00, and they kiss.

A bedroom. Blaine is grooving to some Roxy Music while Kurt lounges on the bed. I can't quite tell whose room this is. Blaine wants to build a time machine so he can go back to the '70s and give Brian Ferry a high-five. But Kurt has a question for him -- does Blaine think that Kurt is boring, on a sexual basis? He may not be boring, but in that slim-cut, v-neck, leopard-print, thigh-length cardigan he's wearing, he's very confusing. Kurt's wondering if the two of them aren't being a little too chaste. "Have you ever had the urge just to rip off each other's clothes and get dirty?" So these guys have never gone south of the equator? Screw Bristol Palin, these two should be running a campaign for teen abstinence. Because that is some amazing self-control. Or, actually, self-abuse, which is what Blaine falls back on when he gets those urges. But he's content to wait until he and Kurt are both ready. He also points out that it would take an awful lot of work to tear Kurt's clothes off. And then they kiss.

By LTG

Stage. Coach Beiste is welding some scenery together. Artie, who clearly is drunk with directorial power, approaches to tell her he's worried about the way she ran out of the room when he started to talk about sex. I don't know, Artie. Maybe it's because teachers who have those kind of talks with kids tend to get in a lot of trouble? But Artie wonders if the real reason is that she's never had sex herself. And oh my God, somebody needs to slap some sense into Artie. But Coach Beiste is too polite to do that, and she lets him go on. He asks her if she's never found the right "person," and she clarifies that she's into dudes. And while she hasn't found the right one, there is one dude that she's into. Why, it's that recruiter from Ohio State, whose name is "Cooter Menkins." She tells Artie how Cooter makes her feel like a girl. But then we flash back to the locker room, where Cooter praises her coaching and invites her to grab some lunch, and we see that Coach Beiste is very un-girl-like in the way she obliviously rejects the invitation in order to cram some chili into her pie-hole. Coach Beiste tells Artie to mind his own beeswax, and he wheels himself away.

Dalton Academy. What are we doing here? Well, Blaine is walking down the staircase in the rotunda. And his parents are so poor after losing that first-semester tuition when he dropped out that they can no longer afford to buy socks for Blaine. Um, if these Dalton boys are all at school, isn't that where Blaine should be? Well, wherever he should be, he's currently walking into the Warblers' rehearsal room, just in time to hear them do a completely boring cover of Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl." As they sing, one hottie we've never seen before notices Blaine, licks his lips, and walks over to drag him into the number. As they sing, a lady French teacher walks by in the corridor. She tries to get them to tone down the singing, but they choose to instead to go out into the hallway and reenact the near-rape scene from West Side Story. Or, actually, to dance around the French teacher and flout her authority. She ends up being the uptown girl in their own private music video. She herds them back into their music room, where the lip-licking hottie does some fancy dance moves, all while making eyes at Blaine. They finish, and some Warblers actually get lines. I know! They're hoping Blaine's there to tell them he's coming back to Dalton, but he's really just there to deliver tickets to the musical. He skipped school for that? Is the mail not good enough? And if he can afford all those tickets to the show, he can surely afford a pair of socks. The group breaks up, and the lip-licking hottie introduces himself as "Sebastian Smythe." Blaine has clearly never met him, and asks him if he's a freshman. Sebastian: "Do I look like a freshman?" No, but you also don't look like you're thirty years old, like the rest of the Warblers. So you can see why Blaine would be confused.

Cut to the two of them chatting around a table in some Dalton room. Sebastian is totally sucking up to Blaine, telling him that he had been described as "sex on a stick" and a guy who "sings like a dream." What other Warbler described Blaine as sex on a stick? Since Sebastian is trying to follow in Blaine's footsteps and seize all Warbler solos for himself, he wants to know why Blaine left. "Is it that you were bored with all the preppies around here? Or is it that you broke too many hearts to stay?"

Aaaand we flash sideways to the auditorium, just in time to see Santana and Rachel singing "A Boy Like That." Back at Dalton, Blaine is trying to tell Sebastian that he did not, in fact, tramp his way through all the boys of Dalton. Instead, he tells him that his heart is at McKinley. We flash back and forth between Santana and Rachel singing and Sebastian trying to see if his eye-fucking alone will be enough to cause Blaine to lose his virginity. The rehearsal, by the way, is complete with costumes, blocking, and sets. And both girls sound great. Rachel's still not a soprano, but she sounds very Maria-like in this song. As the song finishes, Sebastian excuses himself for lacrosse practice, but asks Blaine if they can get together again: "I could really use some more insights, Blaine. You know, Warbler to Warbler." The word "warbler" never sounded so dirty as it does when Sebastian says it. Blaine, clearly feeling a little of that "let's rip our clothes off and get dirty" feeling that Kurt was asking about earlier, is happy to agree to get together again. Commercials.

Finn approaches Puck in the football locker room to ask him a question. Puck, surprised: "I thought they were my sneakers." Oh, Puck. I thought you'd learned your lesson about using Finn's stuff without his permission. Anyway, Finn doesn't really catch that -- he's there to ask Puck for advice on condom selection. Puck: "Are you cheating on Rachel, dude? 'Cause if you are, that is not cool, and that's coming from me." Finn clarifies that the condoms are for Rachel. Puck: "I'm happy for you dude. You and her. Always thought it would be me, but secretly hoped it'd be you." But Puck can't recommend any condoms, because he's an absolute moron and still doesn't use them. Coach Beiste interrupts all the chatter to call the team together. She introduces them to Cooter, who is completely obviously checking out the Panther's thighs. She calls him "the best eye for talent in the country." Cooter: "Which is why I spend so much time with you, Coach." Even the dumbest guy on the team (which right now is a tie between Puck and Finn) catches the completely obvious sexual interest Cooter is directing at Coach Beiste right now. But Cooter's big play is to ask the Coach if she's wearing new tube socks. She's oblivious. Anyway, Cooter is there to raise Finn's hopes that he could ever be a good enough quarterback to play for a top-tier school.

Kurt approaches Blaine at his locker and, only half-seriously, invites him to tear down any of Rachel's campaign posters he sees. Blaine: "Do you think we're too sheltered as artists? I'm serious. West Side Story is all about living outside of your safe little world. Don't you want to wake up every day and be adventurous?" I thought Kurt's daily desire for adventure was what explained his wardrobe? Kurt does want adventure, which is why he's created a lengthy bucket list. It includes laying a rose at the birthplace of Noel Coward. And number five on his list is "have relations on a dewy meadow of lilac with Taylor Lautner before he gets fat." Kurt laughs that one off as being stupid, but Blaine thinks it's hot. I have to agree with Kurt on this one. A sexual electricity flashes back and forth between their eyes, Kurt offers that they have time to be adventurous because they're young, while Blaine counters that the time to be adventurous is while they're young.

Cooter strides down the hallway for no reason in particular. But it's fortunate for the story that he's there, because it gives Artie a chance to ambush him. Artie introduces himself and asks if he can see Cooter in his office. Cooter: "You don't mean the handicapped stall, do you?" Artie: "No. But that is hilarious." Cut to Artie and Cooter entering the stage. Cooter seems to have no concept of the idea of a theater as a place, other than perhaps a movie theater. Artie, straight to business (other people's business, that is), asks Cooter if he likes Coach Beiste, and not just as a coach. Cooter tells Artie that he's asked the Panther out about a million time and she always shoots him down. But Artie asks him to try one more time, but to be completely, incredibly, exceedingly direct about it. And Artie even has an idea for where they can go on their date.

The Lima Bean. Blaine and Sebastian has just picked up their coffee orders. Blaine, to Sebastian: "I can't believe you asked for a shot of Courvoisier in your coffee." Sebastian: "I forget how lame this town is." Or maybe you just forgot that the Lima Bean, like every other coffee shop in the country, doesn't have a liquor license. Sebastian continues: "When I lived in Paris, I drank it like it was mother's milk." He drank Courvoisier from a woman's breast? I don't think I've ever seen that in Paris. Also, the only way he could be trying harder to get in Blaine's pants would involve chasing him with a giant net. Blaine, to his discredit, is clearly impressed with this smarmy crap. Sebastian tells Blaine that his bashful schoolboy act is super hot. Blaine finally tells Sebastian that he has a boyfriend. Sebastian: "Doesn't bother me if it doesn't bother you." Oh, you interloper! Go interlope somewhere else! Blaine is telling Sebastian how great his boyfriend is when Kurt walks up behind him and asks who's really great. Blaine clearly feels guilty about sharing coffee with this obvious hussy. Upon being introduced, Kurt stares daggers at Sebastian as he shakes his hand. Kurt asks how Blaine knows Sebastian. Kurt's clearly blind with jealousy, as Sebastian is wearing his Dalton blazer. But Sebastian can't stop eye-fucking Blaine as he tells Kurt about how everyone at Dalton kept talking about Blaine until Sebastian knew he just had to meet him. Sebastian, with a naughty look in his eye, asks them if they have plans for the following evening. Other than rehearsing for the show and performing a synchronized skin-care regimen over the phone, they're free. So Sebastian tells them he'll get them some fake IDs and they can hit Scandals, the gay bar that's in West Lima. Blaine turns into a really old man as he thanks Sebastian but declines the invitation. But Kurt, clearly feeling competitive with Sebastian, insists that they should all go out and have some fun. Between the eye-fucking from Sebastian and the daggers that Kurt is shooting out in return, the airspace over that table is getting a little messy.

Hudson/Hummel household. Rachel and Finn are near the end of dinner, and Rachel is amazed by the quality of the meat substitute that Finn just served her. Which is a funny joke, because Finn just gave his vegan girlfriend meat because he's a moron who forgot she's vegan. Although when did Rachel stop doing things like cooking venison and eating pizza and become a vegan? Finn offers to get the dessert when Rachel offers herself up as dessert. Or, I mean, she offers to go snuggle by the fire. Once at said fireplace, they start making out. But Finn is worried that he really wants it to be just right for her. She talks a good talk, and he starts to kiss her again, but then he pulls back and suggests they wait a couple of weeks until he can afford a hotel room. But she tells him she can't wait. When he learns she wants to have sex just to improve the verisimilitude of her performance, he's clearly hurt, and leaves to make the dessert. Commercials.

Mike Chang (a.k.a. Gaylord Weiner) is at his locker when the door is suddenly slammed shut by his father. He's apparently just learned that Mike is in the musical. Mr. Chang accuses Mike of lying to him and making his mother a liar. Weren't the two of them supposed to tell Mr. Chang after Mike got the part? Mr. Chang insists that Mike quit the show, but Mike won't, because he loves being a dancer. Mr. Chang once dreamt of being a tennis player, but gave it up when he realized how impractical it was. He doesn't think Mike will ever make it as a professional dancer. Obviously, he's never seen him dance. Mike sticks to his guns, and offers to pay his own way through school. But Mr. Chang tells him that while he continues to dance, "you will no longer be my son." Mike: "Then I guess I don't have a dad anymore." Yikes.

The Panther bench presses some massive weights. I can't help but notice that she doesn't have a spotter. Cooter agrees with me that she's setting a poor example for the team when he enters the room and offers to spot her. Coach: "Naw, I'm good. I lift big, and solo." Cooter keeps trying to flirt with her: "You'd be surprised how much I could bench. If I got the chance." Coach, he's offering to bench press you! In a sexual way! Pay attention! But she doesn't, instead telling him that she's almost done and then he can use the bench. She asks if he needs her for something, and he whips out a bouquet of roses. She asks him if he's going to a graveyard, and he tells her that the roses are for her. Coach: "I'm not sick." He asks her to drop the weights and talk to him. As she sits up, he sits down to her. Cooter: "You ever have something you really wanted to get out and you just couldn't do it?" Coach: "I had a chigger in my thigh once, it was the size of a Tic Tac." And then he tells her he wants to take her out on an honest-to-goodness date. She starts tearing up, and then asks him why he's doing this. You can tell that she thinks she's being pranked. He asks her why she can't just accept that he's attracted to her. Coach: "'Cause you're the kind of man that could have any pretty girl he pointed at... I don't look the way pretty girls look." Cooter: "Well good. 'Cause I don't date girls. I just date women. Beautiful women. Like you." She's speechless, but she takes the flowers when he hands them to her. And then he tells her that the date is Friday night, after the football game. Dot Marie Jones just totally nailed it. Again.

By LTG

Anyway, the gruff bear of a doorman at Scandals is no more fooled by Kurt and Blaine's IDs than the Rochester drag queen was by mine, but he lets them in. He also, in a depressed monotone, welcomes them to Drag Queen Wednesday. You guys, the show has totally captured the feel of a small-town gay bar. It's dark and kind of depressing, and you can tell that some number of guys there are freaked out at the idea that someone they know will see them. But there are also just plenty of regular, run-of-the-mill gay people doing things like playing pool and dancing badly. And a lot of bad drag queens. They try to identify all the divas the queens are based on when they see Sebastian at the bar. He's got the collar on his blue and green polo shirt popped. He clearly knows how to get laid in a place like this. As the duo arrive, he hands a beer to Blaine and a Shirley Temple to Kurt, since he's the designated driver.

Cut to Kurt, at the bar, wearing a glum face as he watches Blaine dance with Sebastian. And then a big dude sits to him, warning him to watch his boyfriend. It's Karofsky! He's wearing about two square miles of denim and a baseball cap. And he looks right at home as he orders a beer. Kurt expositionally asks how life is at Karofsky's new school. He's happy to be at a place where he doesn't have to worry that somebody will out him, although Kurt is quick to remind him that he never would have said a word. Although if Karofsky wants to avoid being outed, hanging out at the local gay bar may not be the way to go. Kurt asks Karofsky if he comes there all the time. He clearly does, and enjoys it. You just know Karofsky can get any dude he wants in a place like this. Not that most of them should be sleeping with high school seniors. Kurt looks away, and Karofsky defensively asks if this is the moment where Kurt judges him. Kurt: "No. As long as you're not beating people up, I'm all for being whoever you have to be, at your own speed." Karofsky says that he's just trying to get through high school, and they toast to "baby steps." And then Kurt takes his own baby step, putting down his drink and joining his boyfriend on the dance floor.

Scandals, exterior. Kurt and Blaine exit. Blaine has clearly had a great first-gay-bar experience. He drunkenly declares it the best night of his life and makes plans to move into the bar. They get to the car, and Blaine wants Kurt to kiss him. But Kurt just wants him to lay down in the back seat for the ride home so he'll be less likely to throw up. But Blaine has ideas of his own, and tries to pull Kurt into the back seat with him. He totally wants to do it, but Kurt clearly does not. Blaine is a little pushy and handsy, and Kurt gets pissed off and yells at Blaine for trying to get him to waste his first time on a guy who's drunk and who spent half the night dancing with somebody else. Blaine doesn't understand why Kurt is yelling. Kurt: "Because I have never felt less like being intimate with someone, and either you can't tell or you don't care." Blaine gets out of the car and yells out an apology for trying to be spontaneous and fun. You know, I don't think he's being sincere with that apology. And then Blaine decides to walk home. Wherever that is. Commercials.

Backstage, opening night. Emma peeks out to see a packed house. At the makeup tables, Maria and Tony apologize to each other for still being virgins. Rachel thinks that means they should just cancel the show, rather than disappointing the audience. Artie wheels by and gives them completely random makeup instructions. And then, as he wheels across the stage, everything slows down. He looks around with some panic in his eyes. Emma approaches him to ask if he's okay, and he tells her that everything about the show is wrong, because he was just pretending he knew what he was doing the entire time. Emma reassures him that he made the show great, but he doesn't believe her. His doubts grow worse when Tina tells him that some of the cast need to speak with him before the show. But instead of presenting him with last-minute complaints or ultimatums, they're there to thank him for doing such a great job. And then Artie tells them that when you're in a wheelchair, it can be hard to feel like you're ever going to be a grownup. But directing the show, and receiving the trust of all of the performers, has made him feel like a grown man for the first time in his life. Damn it, even Artie's story tonight is sweet.

Finn, wearing a t-shirt, is in a shower. He's leaning the top of his head against the wall and pounding his fists on the tile. His face is screwed up in pain, and tears.

Cut back to the stage, where Puck, as Bernardo, is giving the intro to "America." Rory, last week's leprechaun, has a single line, in which he tries to do a Puerto Rican accent and appears to forget how to pronounce any consonants. In the audience, Will gets his line for the episode when he talks with Emma about Artie's risky artistic choice to have the Jets sing some lines in "America." People are watching the show, Will -- shut up! Even when he's not in the show, he's an ass. And then Santana, as Anita, starts singing the song. It's a really nice performance. Great dancing, acting, and singing. However, if you look closely, you'll notice some Vocal Adrenaline backup dancers in the show. The Jets make an appearance from the audience to sing a couple of insulting lines. Which gives Mike Chang a chance to look over and see that his mother is there with an empty seat beside her.

Backstage, Blaine wonders how a couple of virgins like him and Rachel supposed to follow that performance. Rachel reminds him that Tony and Maria were soul mates, and that even if the two of them have never had sex, they do know what it's like to find someone against all odds. They walk out on stage, and we cut to commercials.

By LTG

Finn, wearing a t-shirt, is in a shower. He's leaning the top of his head against the wall and pounding his fists on the tile. His face is screwed up in pain, and tears.

By LTG

Stage, but in an empty auditorium. Blaine, in costume, is doing some dance moves. Even as Tony he's sockless. Is this a religious thing? Kurt approaches from the wings and asks why Blaine's not celebrating. It's because he messed up a move, and wants to get it right for the night's performance. Kurt: "Beauty of the stage. You get to do it all over again tomorrow night." That's actually the beauty of life, Kurt. They compliment each other's performances. Kurt notes that all of the Warblers, including Sebastian, were at the show and seemed to really enjoy Blaine's performance. Blaine calls Kurt over, takes his hand, and places it over Kurt's heart. "Kurt, Sebastian doesn't mean anything to me. And you were right. Our first time shouldn't be like that. I was drunk, and I'm sorry." Kurt: "Sure beats the last time you were drunk and made out with Rachel." They laugh, and Kurt apologizes for not being Blaine's gay bar superstar. They kiss. Kurt tells Blaine that he takes his breath away, and that he's so proud to be with him. Blaine, with tears in his voice: "I hope so. I want you to be." And then Blaine invites him to the cast party, at Breadstix. Kurt declines the invitation, because he wants to go to Blaine's house. Which apparently means they're going to have sex. Does Blaine not have any parents? Or does he keep them locked up in the cellar?