How Do You Get To Carnegie Hall?

S02E23

The kids are in New York for Nationals. Unfortunately, they still haven't written their damn songs. Will locks them in their hotel rooms to write songs while he skips out to the Broadway theater April Rhodes has rented for her biographical show. The kids escape the hotel to wander around New York. And then after they return to work, Finn and Rachel skip out again for a "work date" that consists less of working and more of dating. But they do see Patti LuPone. So that's something. And the morning, Kurt and Rachel skip out for breakfast at Tiffany's, before breaking into a Broadway theater of their own and singing a song.

After all this walkabout, Will finally returns to the kids (after a night spent where, I have no idea). They've heard that he plans to stay in New York to make a go of it on Broadway, but he's changed his plans because he just can't bear to leave them. And then they finally write a couple of songs. The performances are relatively anti-climactic. Rachel does talk a shaky Sunshine Corazon out of her pre-show jitters, which is kind of penance for sending her to a crack house, I guess. We see Sunshine performing one song with Vocal Adrenaline. And then Rachel and Finn sing a duet, at the end of which they break into full-on sucking face. Which leaves the audience in stunned silence, for some reason. The rest of the club saves everything by performing a kick-ass, upbeat group number. But in the end it doesn't matter, because the kids don't finish in the top ten, which means they don't advance to the finals.

You'd think that would leave them feeling down. But they mostly seem okay. Kurt's happy, because he enjoyed New York, and because Blaine drops the "L" word. ("Love," not "lesbian.") Mercedes and Sam are happy, because they've secretly started dating. Finn and Rachel are happy, because even though they're blamed for the loss (due to their highly unprofessional kiss), they've decided to get back together. Santana, the only club member who was truly pissed off by the loss, is even okay after Brit-Brit drops some idiot-savant wisdom on her about Glee Club being a loving family. So they all end up happy with their tiny twelfth-place trophy.

Featuring four original songs (one performed by Mr. Schue, one performed by the entire club, one performed by Rachel and Finn, and one performed by Sunshine and Vocal Adrenaline) and the genius original song "My Cup," performed by Brit-Brit. Also, Madonna's "I Love New York," mashed up with some lyrics from "New York, New York" from On the Town, performed by the kids, "Bella Notte," from Lady and the Tramp, performed by Puck and the Homeless Troubadors, "For Good," from Wicked, performed by Rachel and Kurt, and some Usher number performed by some no-name choir.

We open on Times Square, mysteriously underpopulated. Maybe all the tourists were scared off by the sight of Rachel Berry, standing in her best "I'm gonna make it after all" pose in the middle of the square, wearing an outfit that makes her look like the demented love child of Rainbow Brite and Strawberry Shortcake. She tells nobody in particular, "I made it." And then we get the title card.

The kids are all sitting on the bleachers that have been sitting in Times Square for the last few years. Kurt is leading them in a rousing chorus of "look how far we've come," but as everyone makes plans for all the sights they want to see, Finn reminds them that they still have two songs to write. Sigh. I think that season, New Directions should just adopt an improv jazz style and give up any pretense of preparation. Kurt thinks they have time for one song before they get to work, and he leads them into the first verse of the Kander & Ebb classic, "New York, New York," actually being sung by the kids in the scene. Rachel interrupts them to announce that she's scored tickets to that Broadway mega-hit, Cats. Brit-Brit is the only one who's happy at that news. Not because the other kids have the sense to know that Cats is an awful show, but because they know it closed a long time ago. Did they make Rachel ride in the cargo hold during their flight to NY? Because severe oxygen-deprivation is about the only plausible excuse I'd allow for her not knowing exactly what shows are playing Broadway at any given moment.

At a product-placed hotel, Will is checking all of the kids into two rooms. Will's plan is to segregate the kids by gender; the desk clerk tells him that other show choirs are separating the kids by sexual orientation. That's a joke, see, because show choir is so very, very gay. Although does that mean Kurt and Santana would share a room by themselves? I bet they'd be down with that idea. Some of the kids wander through the lobby, exchanging weak jokes that tell me this episode was largely written at the last minute. Rachel tells Finn that she's glad Quinn isn't acting like a vindictive harpy over the fact that Finn dumped her. But Finn would rather discuss what's going on between Rachel and Jesse. She tells him that he keeps texting her, but she's sworn off boys until they win Nationals. She wanders away from a gobsmacked Finn, just in time for Will to arrive and ask Finn where Puck has gone off to. And then he actually looks around the room and sees that Puck and Lauren are seated at the bar, where Puck is trying to order a Manhattan. Buzzkill Will arrives in time to summon them to a group meeting in one of the hotel rooms.

Will and the kids are assembled in the largest New York hotel room I've ever seen. And in my career as a high-priced NY rentboy, I've seen a lot of rooms. Kurt is giddy at the thought of late night room service: "I feel like Eloise." Brit: "I have pills for that." Will tells them they are on lockdown while they write their songs. Except that he's leaving them to write on their own, because of a hastily-made-up excuse that he has to go register them for Nationals at the theater.

Oh, but he's not going to the theater where the competition is taking place. Based on his unfortunate choice of headwear, I think he might be heading out to audition for new stage production of Newsies! But as he gets out of a cab, we see that he's arrived at a theater the marquis of which is advertising Crossrhodes: The April Rhodes Story. If he keeps lying to the kids, he might just get thrown out of the newsboys union.

Hotel room. We've arrived in time for Brit's performance of the song she's written. It's called "My Cup." And it's about a plastic bathroom cup. It's a totally fun song and a great performance, although I'm disturbed to learn that sometimes when Brit wakes up in the middle of the night, she wants to drink a cup of jam. But the other kids fail to recognize true genius when they hear it. Quinn announces that they have to get out of the room, because while they're stuck in there all they can do is write songs about the things they see, like cups and towels. Instead, they need to get out into the beating heart of New York and grab some inspiration. Finn points out that they really need to write two songs or they'll lose. Because the rules absolutely and clearly prohibit them from singing a single song they've ever sang in the past. Right? That's logical, in the Glee universe. Anyway, Quinn tells they kids they've got to get out of the room: "We don't need to write songs for Nationals. New York's going to write them for us."

Or maybe what New York will do is inspire them to sing someone else's song. In this case, Madonna's "I Love New York," mashed up with some lyrics from "New York, New York" from On the Town. They sing in Times Square, Lincoln Center, Central Park, and Washington Square. We cut to commercials, leaving me some time to gape in wonder at the ability of Heather Morris to dance and run in the heels she was wearing.

Back in the hotel room, the kids have returned from their walkabout. (Or maybe singabout is more appropriate.) The straight boys have gathered in one room. Finn looks up from his pad, and tells the guys he thinks one of their songs should be a Finn/Rachel duet. The others don't really care. And since the opinions of Kurt and the girls don't matter, I guess that's a go. Puck: "Okay, can we just talk about the Jewish elephant in the room?" Is Puck talking about his trunk? I really hope so. Oh, no, he means the idea, obvious to everybody in the damn universe, that Finn should ask Rachel out. Finn thinks that Rachel is too into Jesse at the moment, but Puck thinks that Finn should strike while they're in New York, the city of love. If by "love," you mean cheap and easy hookups, then yes, New York is the city of love. Sam: "This is your shot dude. If I was in love with a girl and I wasn't homeless, I would totally go for it."

In the other room, Kurt and all of the girls except for Rachel are having a pillow fight, turning the room into a feather blizzard. Rachel, grind that she is, is trying to write a song. And then she gets a text from Finn, asking her to dress up and meet him in Central Park.

Will is just walking onto the stage at the theater. That must be one long walk from the door he walked through several scenes ago. The theater's empty, and he's alone, although there are some random lights on. And then he starts singing a song that you can find on Matthew Morrison's recently released album. The song is called "Still Got Tonight," and Mr. Morrison wrote it himself, and the bland, treacly sound does not inspire me to run out and buy the album. And then a crusty... oh, let's say "usher" walks up to the stage and tells Will that he's got the Right Stuff. Does that mean we can shoot him into space?

Finn is waiting, flowers in hand, on Bow Bridge in Central Park. It's still daylight, by the way. In case anybody was demented enough to try to make sense of the timeline of this episode. Rachel walks up to him, in a blue chiffon number, and asks him what's so important. He hands her the flowers and tells her he thought that as captains of the team, they should write a duet for Nationals. He tells her it'll be a totally professional work date.

And then they head to Sardi's (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) for dinner. Rachel dreams of one day getting her own caricature on the walls, while Finn tries to figure out what's in a "salad nikosey." (That's a Salade Niçoise to the rest of us.) Finn tells Rachel that she looks pretty, and is then about to say something serious to her when she has a nervous breakdown at the sight of Patti Lupone, who is at that moment getting up from her own table to leave. Rachel is too freaked out to speak to her until she realizes that Kurt will murder her if she lets the opportunity go by. So she introduces herself and tells Ms. Lupone that she's a huge fan. And since she was paid to appear on the episode, Ms. Lupone does not spray her with mace. Instead she makes Rachel promise to never give up. And Rachel had better keep that promise, because Patti Lupone will send people after her if she does not. People she met on the set of Oz. Do not fuck with Patti Lupone, is what I'm saying.

Rachel and Finn walk through the damp streets of Greenwich Village while she talks about how the night has been just like an awesome romantic comedy. "All we need now is for a group of street singers to serenade us." And that's when they walk past Puck, Sam, Mike Chang, and Artie, leaning nonchalantly against a wall. I mean, Artie's not leaning -- he's sitting nonchalantly in his chair. But the effect is the same. I think the four dudes are purely imaginary, because neither Finn nor Rachel acknowledge their presence. Not even after Puck starts playing the accordion and singing "Bella Notte," from Lady and the Tramp. I didn't think this was possible, but playing the accordion somehow makes Puck hotter. The Homeless Troubadours trail after the lovebirds, singing the song. Over the singing, Finn tells Rachel, "Wait. This is the moment in those romantic comedies where I kiss you." Rachel: "I thought this was just a work date?" Wouldn't you have had to do some work for that to be true? They both move in for a kiss, but Rachel bails at the last moment. In a moment that is both ridiculously cheesy and sublimely sexy, Finn whispers to her, "Take a chance on me." But she can't, and she runs off into the night. I sure hope she knows how to get back to the hotel from the Village. And they singers are definitely imaginary. Or incredibly insensitive. Because they sing the climactic end of the song after Rachel runs off. Commercials.

All of the girls are sprawled out across their bedroom, sleeping. Kurt, looking super natty in a black suit and what look like spats, sneaks into the room and wakes her up to join him for breakfast at Tiffany's. Cut to the two of them eating bagels in front of the Fifth Avenue storefront of Tiffany & Co. Rachel tells Kurt that he's the only one who understands how amazing New York is. "Which is why I have a secret to tell you. When we graduate, I'm coming back here and I'm going to college here." That's a secret? I think I speak for the entire audience when I say that I assumed as much after the pilot. Kurt has the same plan. And so does Blaine. Rachel's all freaked out because she worries that if she gets back together with Finn, it'll stand in the way of her Manhattan dreams. First of all, graduation is a year away -- if this show stays true to form, Rachel and Finn will break up and get back together at least six times before then. Second, it's moronic of Rachel to assume that Finn wouldn't want to come to New York. Third, it's a known fact that all emotional teenage girls are certain they can make a long-distance relationship work. So this drama just doesn't make sense to me. Kurt tells her she'll have to choose between love and career, and then tells her he knows exactly how she can make that choice. Bagel in hand, he leads her to the Gershwin Theater, home of Wicked. And that's when Kurt suggests that they break in.

Cut to the two of them walking towards the stage in the empty theater. A different crusty usher catches them, and tells them they're not supposed to be there. They come up with a lame excuse about being early for their costume fittings (as munchkins). He sees right through them, pegging them as hicks with "big Broadway dreams about singing on a real Broadway stage." And then he gives them fifteen minutes alone in the theater. And so they sing "For Good," from Wicked. I do like the way these two characters have become such good friends. After they sing, Rachel tells Kurt that she's realized she doesn't have to choose between career and love, because Broadway is her true love. That may be true, but I have it on good authority that Broadway is a lousy kisser.

Girls' room. Santana and Brit are banging on the door of the bathroom, demanding that Quinn stop being such a hygiene hog. All the other girls have already gone to the other room to work on the songs. Quinn emerges from the bathroom and tells Santana and Brit that she plans to tell Will that Rachel and Kurt have been sneaking off, so that they'll get suspended and be ineligible to compete, thereby ruining New Direction's chances at winning. This was her big plan? Maybe she was only an evil genius when she was pregnant. Anyway, Santana tells her to get over herself, because sabotaging the competition out of spite is only going to cause her to lose her one chance at feeling good about herself. But Quinn is too full of self-pity over the fact that all the unpopular girls have boyfriends while all the popular girls (i.e., the three of them) are single. She sits on the bed, crying. Santana and Brit sit on either side of her. Santana: "I think I know how to make you feel better." Quinn, through her tears: "I'm flattered Santana, but I'm really not that into you." Ha! Anyway, what Santana thinks she really needs is a haircut.

Hotel lobby. Will is apologizing to the hotel manager about the destruction of the pillows in the girls' room. The manager wishes him good luck. And then Dustin Goolsby, evil coach of Vocal Adrenaline, walks up and wishes Will luck. But he's not wishing him luck in the competition -- he's wishing Will luck in his upcoming Broadway debut. Cut to the two of them at the bar. Will asks Dustin how he learned about his debut. Dustin: "It's all over the Broadway blogosphere. And by 'blogosphere,' I mean the one blog that cares about Broadway." Dustin advises Will not to tell the kids, as it will just shake their confidence. And then he confesses to a deep loathing of the kids of Vocal Adrenaline, since their young ambition and achievements just remind him of his own failure to achieve his dreams. Will: "I love my kids." Dustin: "What? No you don't, they're hideous. My kids are at least attractive. Yours look like they haven't been baked properly." Will realizes that seeing the kids grow up and start to achieve their own dreams has been the joy of his life. Dustin: "You're tearing up. People are starting to stare. I bet they think I just broke up with you." And then he leaves.

Will, after having left his kids completely unsupervised for the last day and a half, enters the hotel room with a stack of pizza boxes in hand. The kids are sitting around, not working. Instead, they all glare at him as he enters. And it's because Dustin told them about his impending Broadway career. But the kids aren't actually mad. They're happy for him, because he's an inspiration to them to chase their own dreams. And that's when he tells them that he's not leaving, because his real dream is to be the best gosh darn teacher he can be. And now they're going to write some songs. But not before Puck jumps up from the bed and wraps Will in a hug that quickly turns into a big group hug. Commercials.

Nationals. In the lobby, Rachel drops the exposition bomb that there are fifty choirs there, and that ten will move on from the first round to compete in the finals. And everyone is super-optimistic that New Directions can win the entire thing. Which is the sure kiss of death. Especially since they just wrote their songs and don't appear to have had time to actually rehearse. But I guess miracles can happen.

Cut to some no-name all-girl choir singing Usher's Yeah. And they are great. I especially like the incongruity between their chiffony white dresses and their hip hop dance moves. Anyway, halfway through the performance, Will sees Dustin leaving the theater, and he gets up and follows him. He's mad because Dustin tried to sabotage New Directions by sapping their confidence. Dustin is at the t-shirt vendor, buying t-shirts for his kids to sign and send to all the teams they beat. Will tells him not to waste money on a shirt for McKinley, since he's quite confident New Directions will kick Vocal Adrenaline's ass. Dustin responds by calling Will a bag of meat. In return, Will buys a t-shirt to send to Dustin. Yawn.

Women's restroom. Rachel enters and finds an incredibly puffy-faced Sunshine Corazon throwing up. Rachel accuses her of bulimia, but she's actual vomiting from nerves. It seems that a year in the iron grip of Dustin Goolsby has destroyed her love of singing. And apparently caused her face to gain ten pounds. Anyway, the point of this scene is that Sunshine is still mad at Rachel for sending her to a crack house, and Rachel apologizes and tells her she did it because she (Rachel) was jealous of Sunshine's talent. And she talks Sunshine out of fleeing back to the Philippines before taking the stage. Hurray for redemption!

And then Sunshine and Vocal Adrenaline perform an original song, "As Long As You're There." And it's mostly a solo with some backup dancers. Not that exciting. Commercials.

It's just about time for New Directions to perform. Rachel and Finn are waiting backstage, at opposite ends of the stage. As per usual, Finn walks over to Rachel. But this time she meets him halfway. She congratulates him on his awesome song. He just wants to ask her why she's suddenly gone from pining after him to rejecting him. She tells him she's not rejecting him -- she's just choosing her dream of a career in New York over him. Which kind of requires rejecting him. And then the announcer introduces the Nude Erections, and they walk out on stage and start singing "Pretending," another original song. It's purely a duet, and it's fine in that overly earnest sappy way. While they sing, Jesse St. James sits down to Will in the audience. Jesse: "I couldn't stay away." Will: "From the show? Or from her?" And then at the end of the song, Rachel and Finn kiss. Which causes the entire audience to fall into a stunned silence, until Will vainly tries to get some applause started. But not before Jesse, shocked, asks will if the kiss was rehearsed. Since nothing is ever rehearsed, we already know the answer to that question. And then the rest of the kids start singing the upbeat original, "Light Up The World." Lots of fun, with Heather Morris's best vocal work to date. And Quinn does have a kicky new hair cut.

Lobby. Brit is trying to find an extra-large t-shirt for Lord Tubbington. In another corner of the mob, Finn and Rachel are talking about how good they were. Except that they're joined by Jesse, who tells them the kiss was unprofessional and that the judges will have hated it. And then Jesse smiles at Rachel and tells her she sounded great. If only she hadn't kissed Finn. Finn tries to call Jesse out on being jealous. But then the top ten list of finalists is posted. We see some choirs celebrating, including Vocal Adrenaline. So Will and the kids walk in slow motion through the mob to see the list. And New Directions isn't on it. 'Topes lose, 'Topes lose, 'Topes lose! (By the way, of the choir names in the top ten, Waffletoots is my absolute favorite. Take that, Soundsplosion!) Commercials.

Hey, Becky and Sue Sylvester would appreciate it if you would not call people "retarded." Just so you know.

Lima Bean. Kurt is telling Blaine all about the big New York adventure. The best part is a flashback to the hotel after the performance, where Santana is freaking out in Spanish and threatening to do "cosas malas" to Rachel, in the manner of bad things normally done in Lima Heights Adjacent. Blaine is surprised to hear that Kurt doesn't actually sound that upset. But Kurt still had the time of his life, and he won't let losing diminish his joy. Blaine: "I love you." Kurt's a little stunned, but he squeaks out "I love you too" before running home to write in his diary. Actually, before he runs home to write in his diary, he sees Mercedes and Sam. He calls out to them and they make small talk, which includes Kurt telling them that his plans for the summer include writing Pip, Pip, Hurray!, the Broadway musical about Pippa Middleton. Mercedes and Sam get in line for coffee. Where they surreptitiously hold hands. That's actually a little squee-worthy. (See, if Rachel and Finn didn't spend all their time moping about their relationship, I might actually care about it.)

Hallway. Santana is clutching her Rachel Berry voodoo doll when Brit approaches her and asks her if she's still pissed. Auntie 'Tana can't understand how Brit can be so calm. Brit's not happy they lost, but the thing she cared the most about during the year was the members of the Glee Club coming together as a family. I'm sorry, I don't recall seeing anyone throw a gravy boat at anybody else. Which means it's not like any family I've ever known. Brit tells Santana that she loves everybody in the Glee Club. Santana: "What about you and I?" My suggestion would be a summer school class on grammar. Oh, no, she's asking about their relationship. Brit: "I love you Santana. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else in this world. All I know about you and I is, because of that, I think anything's possible." That's sweet. You still might want to consider that grammar class.

Library. Rachel finds Finn hiding in the stacks. He's feeling embarrassed about screwing up Nationals with his irresistible lips. Rachel tells him that art is about expressing your true feelings, and he tells her that his feeling in the moment he kissed her was that he loves her. And he thinks the kiss was worth it. She does too, but only because she's confident they can make it back to Nationals year. She also tells him that after that happens, she's going to New York and never coming back. Finn: "Graduation's a year away. You have any plans 'til then?" Wait, he's supposed to be the dumb one.

By LTG

Hey, Becky and Sue Sylvester would appreciate it if you would not call people "retarded." Just so you know.