An Anthem For The Ages

S02E16

It's time for Regionals! Sue declares World War Sue on Will and the Glee Club, and uses her nefarious wiles to prevent them from singing the song they planned to use in competition. Rachel raises her idea of singing original songs. The other kids are quick to dismiss the notion, until Quinn, angling to insert herself between Finn and Rachel, speaks up in support and convinces everyone else to go along. Their original efforts are a combination of horribly awesome and awesomely horrible, and earned this episode its grade. But Will steers the kids in the right direction, and they pen a not-horrible anthem celebrating their loserhood. Rachel, meanwhile, stung by the realization that Finn and Quinn are dating, writes a typically whiny diva solo number, which she proceeds to knock out of the park in competition.

While all of that is happening at McKinley, the Swallows are also planning their songs for Regionals. The original intent, as usual, is to have Blaine sing lead on a couple of current pop songs while they stand around behind him and make their doo-wop noises. But then the team's mascot (Pavarotti the canary) dies, and Kurt's heartfelt musical tribute to the chirpy little guy makes Blaine realize that he's been an idiot by not going after our fashionable little cutie all this time, so he convinces the rest of the Swallows to let him and Kurt sing a duet at Regionals. And while the performance is great, he admits to Kurt that he really proposed the duet so the two of them could spend time together. And then they get their mack on, yes they do.

Sue, meanwhile, has planned a set for Aural Intensity that is tailor-made for this particular panel of judges -- a Tea Party, not-a-witch politician (played by Kathy Griffin), a stripper-turned-nun (played by Loretta Devine), and (as always), Rod the Anchorman. But Sue doesn't count on our stripper-turned-nun being more of a stripper and less of a nun, so her pandering set-list doesn't win the day, leaving the way open for New Directions to win! So it's off to Nationals they go.

Featuring the original songs "Loser Like Me," performed by New Directions, "Do It Right," performed by Rachel, and "Hell to the No," a stunningly infectious and hilarious song performed by Mercedes. And also featuring some unoriginal songs: Maroon 5's "Misery" and Pink's "Raise Your Glass," performed by Blaine and the Swallows, Hey Monday's "Candles," performed by Kurt and Blaine, and the Beatles' "Blackbird," performed by Kurt. And, best of all, Rachel's "Only Child," Santana's "Trouty Mouth," and Puck's "Big-Ass Heart." Suck it, Diane Warren.

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The episode opens on a bunch of bored Swallows, studying in the Dalton Academy Wood-Paneled Multi-Purpose Room. Suddenly, Blaine bursts through the doors, throws two handfuls of paper into the air, and starts singing Maroon 5's "Misery." They all start singing along, except for Kurt, who looks to be completely over this place. The party eventually moves out into some corridor/foyer type space, with Blaine dragging Kurt along for the ride -- a move that just accentuates how short Blaine is. Eventually, Kurt gets off his throne and joins in the dancing and singing in a totally half-assed way. As the song finishes, Blaine announces that this will be their opening number for Regionals. As the crowd breaks up, Blaine reminds the audience that Kurt, as the newest Swallow, is responsible for caring for the team's mascot, Pavarotti the canary, by praising the Burberry-esque cage cozy that Kurt found for the bird. He also asks Kurt what he thought of the song. Kurt, after asking for permission to drop an honesty bomb, tells him that as good as Blaine is, he's getting tired of singing backup for Blaine in every single song. Judging by the look on Blaine's face, that honesty bomb was more of an ego-seeking cruise missile. Title card.

McKinley Non-Academy music room. Rachel leads Finn into the room, telling him that she took all of his notes about "My Headband," and that for her second song she really dove deep into the source of her pain. And then, with Tinkles accompanying her, she sings a song about how awful it is that she'll never need bunk beds and that she's the only Berry on her family tree. After repeating the line "only child" about a million times, she finishes the song and tells Finn, "It's called 'Only Child.'" Finn demonstrates his absolute bad taste by telling her it's better than "My Headband," and then tells her that it still feels like she's just playing around, and that she still needs to get to the really difficult kind of pain in order to write a good song. As the two of them debate, we see them from a distance. Which is when we realize that Quinn is watching them from the doorway.

And now the camera will start to follow Quinn around, as she gives us a voice-over: "Sometimes I worry about Finn. I mean, how damaged does a guy have to be to be into someone as annoying as Rachel? Still, he is a good guy, and I do really like him. He's my first love, and first loves are forever. And another thing -- without him, I'm never gonna get one of these." And with that, the camera cuts to her opening a display case holding a massive collection of tiaras on velvet pillows. Either those are all the crowns her mother has ever won, or Quinn has flown off and broken into the Tower of London. Quinn's V.O. notes how stupid it is for her to want to be prom queen: "You're smart, and super pretty, and relatively sane for a girl." But damn it, she does care about becoming prom queen. "Prom queens live, on average, five years longer than regular people." But to win, she needs to have Finn on her arm, since he's a shoo-in to win prom king after bringing home the football championship. Which means she needs to ensure that Finn doesn't go back to dating Rachel. As we cut back to her staring at Finn and Rachel in the music room, she tells us that she's decided to play it cool by keeping Rachel, her enemy, closer than her friends.

Cut to Kurt's bedroom. He's sitting at the makeup table in his little grooming niche, buffing his nails and whistling back and forth with Pavarotti, when he suddenly notices a silence coming from the canary's cage. Damn it, Burt! I told you not to buy a new house built on top of a coal mine!

A contentious Swallows meeting, sans Kurt. The place is in an uproar because Blaine has suggested that instead of blue ties and jackets with red piping, they wear red ties and jackets with blue piping for the competition. One unnamed Swallow yells out "This is a kangaroo court!" And then the place is struck silent, as Kurt throws open the door and enters the room with a stricken look on his face. Of course, I don't know if they're struck silent because of Kurt's dramatic entrance or because this is the first time most of them have seen him out of his Dalton uniform -- he's looking super foxy in an all-black ensemble, complete with a tiny little skull hanging from a chain draped across his chest. Kurt tells them all that Pavarotti is dead. He's quite choked up over the little fellow, and tells them that he'd like to sing a song to honor their feathered friend. And then he pulls out a cassette tape and hands it to a Swallow, who doesn't ask "what the hell is this thing?" as any teenager today might do. Instead, he pops it into their cassette player. And I guess it makes sense that they have one, since the school is decorated with antiques. And then, backed up by the guitar on the tape, Kurt sings the Beatles' "Blackbird." After the first verse, the Swallows provide some backup. And this is the first and only time that we're actually hearing the on-screen Swallows sing, as all of the rest of their music has been provided by the Tufts University Beelzebubs. For no particular reason, I would like to claim that Tufts is in Boston, but it's really located in the insufferable Cambridge. Anyway, way to go, unnamed dancer/actors. About halfway through the song, Blaine stops singing backup and starts staring at Kurt. And it looks like maybe his brain has finally caught up to where his heart and his crotch have been all this time, because he looks pretty caught up in Kurt's spell.

Music room. Will is breaking some bad news to the club -- it turns out that they won't be able to use My Chemical Romance's "Sing" for Regionals as they had planned, because the band has written them a cease-and-desist letter, denying them permission to use the song. Mercedes wonders if Sue had anything to do with the letter. Will: "One step ahead of you." Which, for Will, means that he previously thrust the letter into Sue's face and asked her if she knew anything about it. In the flashback (for that is where we are, dear reader), Sue tells Will that she knows all about it: "Now, I met the drummer for My Chemical Romance at a drum circle at Daytona Beach, spring break, 1996. We had a brief affair. And when I heard of your song choice for Regionals, well, I was compelled to notify the band about your long-running legal battle with PETA." My God, people! Sue had an affair with a high-school aged... drum machine? Because, as those of us who know contemporary music or have access to Wikipedia know, My Chemical Romance does not have a drummer. But Will, who has demonstrated a complete inability to ever verify anything that Sue says, just accuses her of lying about the PETA part. Sue doesn't care: "You took away my Cheerios. Consider this the opening salvo of World War Sue." Back in the music room, the kids are trying to decide what they should do for an anthem now that "Sing" is out. Rachel repeats her suggestion that they write original songs. Just before the group completely rejects the idea (again), Quinn speaks up in favor of it, and even offers to work with Rachel to write a song. Which is enough to convince Finn to also say something positive. For Santana, the thought that Quinn and Rachel would hog the spotlight by writing the song is enough to push her over the edge, and she insists that everyone should get a chance to write something. Which pushes Sam to agree with his girlfriend, which is enough to push the idea over the edge. So Will announces that they'll be doing original songs for regionals. Commercials.

Prepare to have your hearts broken, dear readers. Brittany approaches Santana's locker and gives her a wan "hey." Brit-Brit continues: "Can I ask you a question? We used to be really close, and I really miss being your friend." Santana: "Still waiting for the question." Brit: "Did I do something wrong?" Santana points out that after her declaration of love, Brittany blew her off to stick with Artie (or, as Santana calls him, "Stubbles McCripplepants"). (Which is actually the name of a former leader of the Boston mob.) Santana: "Fine, it's your loss. 'Cause now I get the chance to write an awesome heterosexual song about Sam that we're gonna sing at Regionals." Brit is surprised to hear that Santana is still dating Lady Lips von Bieberhausen, since she previously declared her love for Brit. Santana: "I honestly don't know what I was thinking." Suddenly, Sue interrupts their bickering: "Well, well. If it isn't Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Fake Boobs." Brit-Brit informs her that she's no longer allowed to verbally abuse them, since she's not their coach anymore. She reminds them that she's nobody's coach, due to their betrayal, and promises to play dirty. With that, they each turn and open their lockers. Only to be covered in a locker's-worth of loose soil that had been packed inside each locker. Brit-Brit: "I don't even remember putting that in there."

Swallows' council meeting. One member declares Blaine's cover of a song to be better than the original. Without disagreeing, another member notes that it's not in Blaine's natural key, which causes another member to react in outrage to the suggestion that Blaine have any musical limitations whatsoever. Blaine interrupts this paean to his musical genius to tell them that he's sick of the Swallows being entirely about him. While he's grateful for the belief the group has shown in him, he's certain that they'll lose at Regionals if they don't feature some other talent. So he proposes that one of their numbers be a duet. There's some more general outrage ("Why don't we just play on kazoos!" being my favorite line), but Blaine thinks that if they continue to silence other voices in the group, Pavarotti would roll over in his tiny grave. Kurt: "The placement of which has yet to be determined." Since the entire group is nothing but puppets for Blaine's every wish, they agree that one number should be a duet. Kurt quietly notes that he wants to audition, but Blaine cuts that noise off by insisting that he wants to sing the duet with Kurt. And while Kurt thinks it's stupid that they not give everyone an equal shot, the rest of the group continues to follow Blaine's lead by voting unanimously in his favor. I wonder if Blaine is secretly like that kid in The Twilight Zone who possessed reality-altering powers that made everybody in the town scared to make him angry? If so, it really would have been nice of someone to share that with Kurt. I'd hate to see him take the last scone at the Lima Bean only to have Blaine get angry and turn him into a cricket.

Music room. Will welcomes everybody to their first song-writing seminar. And his idea of instruction is to hand them all rhyming dictionaries and tell them to get writing. Santana already has a song she's been working on with Tina, and she'd like to sing it for the group. "This is a song I wrote for Sam, and it's called 'Trouty Mouth.'" Sam's smile quickly turns to a look of consternation, and it doesn't get better as Santana starts singing a sultry, jazzy number: "Guppy face. Trouty mouth. Is that how people's lips looks where you come from in the south? Grouper mouth. Froggy lips. I love sucking on those salamander lips. I want to put a fishhook in those lips so cherry red. If you tried hard enough, you could suck a baby's head." And then Lady Lips von Troutenmouthen has had enough. He cuts the song off and insists that they can't perform it at Regionals. And as much as Will doesn't want to squelch any student's creativity, he agrees that it's not really right for competition. But Puck has something to sing with a rockabilly sound that he feels could really give them the edge at Regionals. He wrote it for Lauren, to make up for offending her with "Fat Bottomed Girls." It's called "Big Ass... Heart." It's not quite as genius as "Trouty Mouth," but it does rhyme "plane tickets" with "rickets," which is pretty damn groovy. Will thinks that Pucks song might be a contender, but they're still not quite there.

Finn's locker. Quinn stares at him lovingly, and then asks what he wants to wear to prom. He's surprised to hear her mention the 'P' word, and she notes that as much as she's excited about Regionals and maybe even Nationals, winning those things won't put the two of them back at the top of the social heap the way winning prom king and queen would. The point of this is to show us that they still haven't gone public with their relationship, and that Finn is the one who's holding back. But after some guilt-tripping from Quinn, he agrees they can do that after Regionals. Finn claims his resistance is about protecting Rachel's fragile feelings. Fortunately, that won't be an issue for long, as Rachel has overheard much of this conversation from a nearby doorway. Commercials.

Dalton. Kurt is sitting alone in a room. He's got tons of boxes of costume jewelry in front of him, and he's dismantling shiny things to add some bling to the casket he's making for Pavarotti. Blaine enters. He wants to get started practicing their duet on the song he's picked out, which is Hey Monday's "Candles." Kurt's pleased that he's moving away from the Swallows' usual top-40 fare, and then asks why Blaine picked him for the duet. And Blaine pauses, and closes his eyes for a second, and screws up his courage, and admits that in the moment that he saw Kurt singing "Blackbird," he realized that the person he's been looking for had been right in front of him all this time. "You move me, Kurt, and this duet would just be an excuse to spend more time with you." And then he moves in for a kiss. Not a little peck or a sexless smooch, but the kind of big wet kiss any high school boy would give to the person he adores. And you better believe Kurt kisses back just as hard. And after what feels like an eternity of kissing, during which a significant percentage of the audience is squeeing just as loud as their choked up voices will let them, they break the clinch. Blaine, sounding a little sheepish, tells Kurt, "We should practice." Kurt, with joy in his eyes: "I thought we were." When did Kurt get smooth like that? And then Blaine dives back in for more, and we leave them mid-kiss. And for anyone who thinks Blaine's change of heart was too sudden -- just look back at any Swallows performance that included both of them and you will see how very hard Blaine has been crushing on Kurt all this time, even if he didn't want to admit it to himself.

Music Room, where Mercedes is just launching into the beginning of her impassioned anthem, "Hell to the No." The song kicks ass -- really danceable, fun, and infectious. But at the end, Will notes that as amazing as the song is, it's not quite ready for Regionals. I think he could have been clearer by noting that the song is just a little too personal for most people to get. For example, when people who don't know Mercedes hear her sing the line "they tried to take away my tots," they may think she's singing about some conflict she had as an unwed mother with child protective services. In any case, Santana is ready to jump into the breach with another verse of "Trouty Mouth." Will stomps on my dreams by rejecting that offering. Instead, he asks the kids, "What's your favorite song of all time." Brit-Brit: "'My Headband.'" Santana: "Alanis Morisette's 'You Oughta Know.'" Puck: "'What's Going On,' Marvin Gaye." Will asks what all those songs are about. Brit: "Headbands." Ignoring that, Will points out that the best songs all come from a place of pain. He tells them to get in touch with their own hurt. Artie: "That should be easy. Coach Sylvester tortures us for no reason, and tries to get the entire school to hate us." In addition to the locker-dirtening we've seen already, Mercedes tells Will, "She literally throws sticks at me." Smear sideways to Mercedes getting books out of her locker while Sue throws small twigs and branches at her head. Back in the music room, Tina tells Will, "She called the Ohio Secretary of State saying she was me and saying I wanted to legally change my name to Tina Cohen-Loser." While the kids are speaking, Will has written the words "dirt," "sticks," and "loser" on the whiteboard. He asks the kids how this abuse makes them feel. Finn: "At first, it hurts. But then it mostly makes you want to win." Will thinks they have the beginnings of a song forming.

Auditorium stage. Quinn is noodling away on the piano when Rachel walks up and asks if they're friends. Quinn guesses that, you know, maybe they might possibly be friends, except for all those times Quinn is intensely hating on Rachel. Rachel thinks the fact that Quinn gave her baby to Rachel's mother might make them friends. I think it actually makes them more like weird post-modern aunt and niece. The point of all this is that Rachel thought the two of them were close enough to be honest with each other, and then she asks if Quinn is dating Finn. To her credit Quinn, tells the truth, and then asks how long it will be before Rachel realizes it would never work out between Rachel and Finn. Rachel: "Don't go and try to rewrite history, okay? It was real between us. He chose me over you." Quinn asks how long that lasted before Finn chose Quinn again. Rachel asks why Quinn is being so mean. So Quinn tells Rachel that Quinn and Finn belong in Lima, but that Rachel needs to get out of town to make her future. So really, all this cruelty is really a kindness, and she expects Rachel to thank her when she wins her first Grammy or Tony. Rachel refuses to give up on Finn, but Quinn tells her it will never happen. And then she accuses her of living "in this little school girl fantasy of life," which is why she can't write a decent song. "If you keep looking for that happy ending, then you are never gonna get it right." And with that, Quinn wants to get back to their song writing. But Rachel would rather write on her own. She walks off in tears.

Cut to her in her bedroom, crying on her bed and writing "Get It Right." (Which is different than "Do It Right," which is what I called it in the recaplet. Whoops.) Commercials.

Almost time for Regionals. Will is in his office putting on his tie when Sue enters and asks him if he's about to load up the bus and head off to the competition. These competitions are on the weekend, right? So why is Will getting dressed in his office? Anyway, Sue is so confident about her victory that she decides to come clean with Will -- she forged the cease-and-desist letter from My Chemical Romance. "Also, I didn't sleep with their drummer. The drummer I slept with was that guy from Jimmy Eat World." Huh. Good for you, Zach Lind. But Will isn't angry, because it pushed the club to write original songs that he thinks are good enough to win the competition. Sue tells Will that she's prepared a set list that is custom-made for the panel of judges they have. And really, does Will ever even bother to do any work to prepare for these competitions?

Cut to a packed theater, where the announcer is introducing the judges. The first is, of course, newscaster Rod Remington. The second "recent Tea Party candidate and home-schooler Tammy Jean Albertson," played by Kathy Griffin. And finally, we get "former exotic dancer and current Carmelite nun, author of the upcoming Lima Press memoir Habit to Habit, Sister Mary Constance," played by the divine Ms. Loretta Devine. Will and New Directions sneak in to the back of the theater and find their seats just in time for the introduction of Aural Intensity. We only see the opening song of their set, a peppy cover of Sonseed's "Jesus Is My Friend," complete with choreography that ends with them forming a six-pointed star. The audience enjoys it, and Tammy Jean jumps to her feet to lead a standing O at the end.

Backstage, the Swallows are getting ready to perform. Kurt is incredibly nervous, since this is his first solo during competition. "I have this nightmare that I'm going to forget the lyrics or I'm going to sing and nothing is going to come out." Blaine things Kurt's nervousness is adorable. And then they announcer introduces the Swallows and they take their place on stage. The curtain rises, and they perform "Candles." I feel bad, because I want to love every thing that Kurt and Blaine do, but their voices aren't quite meshing for me. My theory is that they were too busy making out to really practice. As they sing, Finn and Rachel exchange a Meaningful Glance in the audience, leading Quinn to grab Finn's hand. After "Candles," the Swallows launch into Pink's "Raise Your Glass." It's a ton of fun, and an enthusiastic Rachel leads the crowd in getting to its feet shortly after the song begins. Commercials.

By LTG

On stage, the three teams wait for the results, which will be announced by the wife of the lieutenant governor. A blowzy alcoholic takes the stage and drunkenly tells the crowd, "My husband is verbally abusive and I have been drinking since noon." And then she announces the results -- it's New Directions! They celebrate and take their giant trophy. And then Sue punches the lieutenant governor's wife. Okay then.

Blaine shovels some dirt into the grave of Pavarotti, who has the most jewel-encrusted casket and tombstone since Liberace's poodle. Blaine and Kurt are the only two Swallows to attend the funeral. Kurt is weepy, and lays a rose across Pavarotti's grave. Blaine has the presence of mind to realize that the bird funeral reminds Kurt of his mother's funeral. Kurt: "The casket was bigger, but yes." Was it also jewel-encrusted? But what Kurt's really upset about is that they lost. Blaine notes that they'll still get to perform together, but Kurt really wanted to win. Blaine: "You did win. So did I. We got each other out of all this. That beats a lousy trophy, don't you think?" And with that, they take hands and walk away from the grave.

Music room. Will enters, talking on the phone with Holly Holiday, who is at some sweat lodge somewhere. He hangs up and tells the kids that Holly will congratulate them all in person when she's back from her vision quest. And then Will announces that the team unanimously voted and awarded the MVP prize to Rachel. And she gives a teary speech about how happy she is to finally not be totally hated. And with a group hug, we launch into a hiatus until April.

LTG lives in Boston, where he's a full-time pension attorney and a part-time stripper pole polisher. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.

Get the scoop on the the Warblers' sexy new song and the show's 90-minute bullying episode.

By LTG

New Directions is making their final preparations. Rachel puts on some eye makeup and Finn tells her to break a leg. She points out that at last year's Regionals he declared his love for her. He ignores that and tells her he really likes her song. She tells him, "Then listen carefully, 'cause I mean every word." Oddly, after the announcer introduces the Nude Erections, Rachel doesn't enter from the back of the auditorium. I thought that was a mandatory element for every New Directions competition? Instead, she just walks to the center of the stage and sings "Get It Right." But not before one last long look at Finn in the wings. The song is about how the singer unwittingly screws up everything she does. After a verse, Brit and Tina walk out to sing backup. The one thing the singer does not screw up is singing this song -- Rachel kills it. At the end, the other girls walk out to add their voices to the backup. After that, the boys come out and they sing their anthem, "Loser Like Me." It's Rachel and eventually Finn on lead, but you can hear distinctive bits of other people's voices. This time, Kurt and the Swallows lead the crowd to its feet partway through the song. It's very meta, with the forehead-L and references to being shoved into lockers, and it ends with Mike Chang pushing a slushy cart across the stage so every member of New Directions can take a cup and, at the end of the song, fling confetti slushies at the crowd. Commercials.

By LTG

And now the very best part of any competition episode -- the Wacky Judge Revue! Tammy Jean begins by announcing that she is not a witch. She gets an on-screen title introducing her as "Twitterer and Former Tea Party Candidate." She also asks if there's written proof that all of the kids competing were born in the U.S. Sister Mary Constance ("Nun and Former Exotic Dancer") starts out by declaring, "For a nun, I'm pretty liberal." As most nuns are, in fact. She continues, "But I'm barely a nun. In fact, I just joined because I needed a place to live. The convent is the one place I knew I could stay off the pole. But my question is this: that Dalton Academy? Is it a gay school, or a school that just appears gay?" Rod ("Gadabout") asks "Can I add a dash of Rod to this lady soup?" Rod has extensive experience with the gays, since his hairdresser is a gay who has spent fifteen years with his partner, who is also a hairdresser: "I see no reason they shouldn't be allowed to marry and raise a family of beautiful wigs." Sister Mary Act liked the duet the boys sang, but Tammy Jean is not down with sending a message that "gay is okay." Tammy Jean thinks the song about Jesus should win, but Sister Mary Act recognizes that it was pure pandering. "I didn't even like to be pandered to when I was a stripper." Rod liked the New Directions songs, but Tammy Jean thinks it's not okay to celebrate being a loser. When you lose, you're supposed to demand a recount and insist that it was all ACORN's fault. Rod has had enough lady soup, so he calls for a vote.

By LTG

LTG lives in Boston, where he's a full-time pension attorney and a part-time stripper pole polisher. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.

Get the scoop on the the Warblers' sexy new song and the show's 90-minute bullying episode.