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Oh, good Lord, you guys. I don't even know what to say. Don't tell Eugene Delgaudio, but the kids throw an alcohol party. And it's like a flashback to every high school party I ever attended -- a bunch of drunk, sloppy kids over-emoting and making out. I'll be having nightmares about it all week. Anyway, this party launches almost all of the week's plotlines. First, Rachel ends up making out with Blaine during a game of spin the bottle, and she develops a massive crush on him. To the point where she asks him on a date. And he decides that maybe he's not gay, so he agrees to go out with her. All of this sends Kurt into a tizzy of rage and jealousy. But it all turns out for the best when Rachel and Blaine kiss while sober and he realizes that he is totally, 100% gay. And it even works out for Rachel, since she now has a tragic relationship story to inspire her song-writing efforts. I guess being pelted with eggs by her boyfriend and his pals wasn't tragic enough.
On another front, Will is tasked by Figgins to find an alcohol-awareness song for the Glee Club to sing at the annual Alcohol Awareness Assembly. He gets frustrated that the kids seem completely unconcerned by the dangers of drinking. Coach Beiste convinces Will that the way to get over that frustration is to join her at a honky-tonk roadhouse, where the two of them get completely sloshed. He ends the night grading while under the influence and then drunk dials Emma to leave an alcohol-fueled message of desperation for her. Except that he actually dials Sue, and she plays the message over the school PA system as part of her ongoing effort to convince Will that he's an alcoholic.
Finally, the kids are so hung-over after the party that they decide the only cure is the hair of the dog. But that dog keeps biting them, as they stay pretty much drunk for much of the episode. It all culminates at the big assembly, where they cap off their alcohol-awareness anthem by drunkenly vomiting on each other. Demonstrating that alcohol hasn't killed all of their brain cells, they think that this display will lead to their suspension, but Figgins decides it was all an elaborate ploy to put the fear of booze into the entire student population. Since it worked (as the sight of massive quantities of purple vomit would), they] kids get away with their drunken shenanigans and come out of it with coupons for half-off frozen yogurt. And a newfound commitment to sobriety, destined to last at least until Nationals.
Featuring Ke$ha's "Tik Tok," performed by the kids with Brit-Brit on lead, Jamie Foxx's "Blame It," performed by pretty much the entire club, George Thorogood's "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer," performed by Will and Coach Beiste, and The Human League's "Don't You Want Me," performed by Blaine and Rachel. Also, Rachel Berry's "My Headband," performed by Rachel Berry until someone with taste shuts her down.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Will walks in to the Maharishi's Sanctum of Special Episodes and is told that there's an epidemic going around the school. But Figgins isn't talking about head lice (Will's guess), and he's not talking about the mono epidemic that was surely sparked off two episodes ago. Instead, Figgins is talking about an epidemic of student drunkenness. Due to the "wet devil," there have already been five suspensions that week for intoxication on school grounds. At that moment, a wasted student knocks on the glass wall to the Maharishi's office and presses his ample stomach up against the glass, leading Figgins to increase the suspension count to six. As per usual, Will is confused, because drinking has never been a problem at McKinley. Figgins blames it on the introduction of alcoholic beverages targeted at teen drinkers and the influence of pop musicians like "Key-dollar-sign-ha." By which he means Ke$ha. And really, if you're going to spell your name so moronically, it's your own fault if people don't know how to say it. The solution, according to Figgins? To declare it Alcohol Awareness Week, and to cap that week off with an assembly featuring Kitty Dukakis and the glee club singing a song that points out the dangers of drinking. I mean, Kitty Dukakis would speak and the glee club would sing -- although it would have been awesome if the episode had featured a Kitty Dukakis solo. Title card.
Teachers' lounge. Emma nibbles on her celery like an adorable ginger rabbit. Will walks up to her and tells her that he's tired of the two of them not talking and that he's heard she and Hot Dentist Carl are looking for a house together, so he's there to give them a toaster as a housewarming gift. She finds that endearing, although it just makes me wonder if pre-Carl Emma ever used a toaster. I mean, it's hard to imagine her cooking with an appliance that you can't scrub out with bleach on a daily basis. In any case, she invites Will to sit and catch up. She asks how he's been doing, and he starts to talk about the glee club, so she cuts him off -- she really wants to know how he's doing. The answer is that he's entirely mediocre, and has to tell her that he's not dating anyone while she sits there and plays with her wedding ring.
Sue walks up to them and tells Ella that Will should really focus on his treatment for alcoholism before trying to date. Will's mystified by Sue's decision that he must be an alcoholic, but Sue tells him that it's just a matter of time until he's driven to drink, what with his dead-end job, the fact that the glee club he coaches has only been able to beat choirs made up of the deaf, juvenile delinquents, and senior citizens, and that his only friend seems to be the "very lemur who rejected the bestial horror of your craven sexual advances." The final straw, in Sue's prediction of blackouts yet to come, will be New Direction's loss at the hands of Aural Intensity under the direction of Sue.
We return to the game of communicable diseases, already in progress. Brit-Brit's bottle lands on Sam, so they prepare to kiss. But not before Santana reminds them, "I owns that guppy mouth. Those trouty Aerosmith lips belong to me." Santana also breaks up the kiss with a reminder that "it's not a Big Red commercial." Rachel spins the bottle, and it points to Blaine. Rachel: "Blaine Warbler, I'm gonna rock your world." And she kind of does, as the kiss goes on for a lot longer than you would expect. Kurt, frantically: "Okay, I think we've had enough of that." Oh, and did I mention that Josie Cotton's "Johnny Are You Queer" is playing in the background? Because it is, and it's brilliant. As the kiss breaks up, Rachel tells Blaine, "Your face tastes awesome." And then she announces that Blaine will be her new duet partner, leading to the two of them doing a karaoke cover of The Human League's "Don't You Want Me." Drunk Blaine is pretty fun, although the way he practically fellates the microphone might give Rachel a clue that she shouldn't be wasting her time on him. However, I have to point out that if Rachel and Blaine had kids, those kids would have the thickest, fullest hair in human history.
Morning in Lima. Burt, carrying a cookbook in his hands, is calling out for Kurt. Kurt calls out that he'll be right down, but Burt doesn't wait and goes up the stairs to Kurt's room to get some education about this mysterious homosexual ritual known as "brunch." And yes, the fact that he went up to Kurt's bedroom means that the Hummel-Hudson clan must have moved into their new house. Burt enters Kurt's room and is put out when he sees Kurt still lazing around in bed. Except Kurt's already up and moisturizing, and it's really Blaine who's lazing around in Kurt's bed.
School hallway. Tina and Mercedes are both wearing sunglasses and both looking like crap. They note that even though the party was Saturday and it's now Monday, they still have massive hangovers. So massive, in fact, that Tina decides not to close her locker rather than subject herself to the gunshot-like noise it would make if she closed it properly. They join up with Santana, who complains about dry heaving all weekend. And then Gaylord Weiner (a.k.a. Mike Chang) complains about the non-stop barfing. This group of four then meets up with five other Gleeks (Brit-Brit, Artie, Puck, Quinn, and Sam). Artie offers them all a Bloody Mary, as "the hair of the dog that done bit yo' ass." And then they launch into Jamie Foxx's "
Okay, so now it's definitely nighttime, because Will and Beiste are at the honky-tonk. They get wasted, Will rides a mechanical bull, and then they sing George Thorogood's "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer." I mean, it's mostly Will, with one verse going to Coach Beiste. But it's fun enough.
Rachel's basement. Even though it's been at least three or four days since the party, Rachel is just getting around to cleaning up. I bet the smell of booze and vomit has spread throughout the entire house by now. Anyway, Kurt is there to help with the cleaning. He claims it's because he was just in the neighborhood. But the fact that it's ten o'clock at night makes Rachel doubt that. (Which means this must be the same night as the honky-tonk?) Rachel thinks Kurt is really just there to hear how her date with Blaine went. Which means... that my chance to make all of this fit any kind of plausible timeline is out the window. I'm just going to assume it's still 2011 and leave it at that. Rachel thinks the date was lovely. "We went to see Love Story at the revival theater. We even dressed up as the characters." Kurt: "That's not gay at all." Of course, there was no kissing. Rachel thinks that was due to their lips being tired from mouthing all of Ali MacGraw's dialogue, whereas Kurt thinks it's because Blaine wasn't drunk enough. They have a heart-to-heart. Rachel knows Kurt likes Blaine but thinks that Blaine may be conflicted and into her. Kurt responds by telling Rachel that Blaine is just the first in a long, long line of gay guys she'll fall for, only to be cruelly disappointed. He thinks that they can have lots of fun doing vaguely gay things, but that they'll never have chemistry. Which leads Rachel to declare her intention to "take the beer goggles off. I'm going to kiss him sober." Commercials.
Now we see Will and the Beiste returning from their night of drunken shenanigans. She guides him into his apartment. Lest you think some hanky panky is in the works, she reminds him that a cab is waiting outside for her. But they do have a lovely chat about how sometimes drinking is totally fun and there's nothing wrong with that. It's like the exact opposite of a Very Special Episode. Oh, Beiste does get a little preachy by noting that teenagers are basically stupid (a sentiment with which I wholeheartedly agree) and that it's important to make sure they know about the dangers that can come with drinking so they make good decisions when they do drink. But she's drunk, so I'll forgive her for the preachiness. She leaves for her cab, but not before there are some drunken "I love you, man" exchanges between the two of them.
Jump forward in time a few minutes to Will grading papers, giving every one of them an A+ in between swigs from a bottle of beer. After reaching the point where he's grading papers for students he doesn't even remember, he picks up his cell phone and hits a number on his quick-dial list. For some reason, Emma and Sue are right to each other on that list. Why would Will even have Sue's number on speed-dial? It's clear that Will is calling Emma, because the voice mail message he leaves starts off, "Hey there... sexy lady." Anyway, it's a drunk-dial-booty-call situation, but we leave the scene before we hear the rest of the message."
The day, Will is hung-over and walking down the hallway when Figgins assails him with a loud and cheerful voice to note how excited he is to see New Directions perform at the assembly. Which I guess is today? Figgins is optimistic that there won't be any kind of sex riot at the assembly. Will leaves him to get away from his loud voice and Drakkar Noir, only to run into Emma. Will is incredibly embarrassed to see her, but she seems prepared to ignore the message he left for her. (HINT!) Will cops to drunk dialing Emma, but she didn't get the message. Will leaves her wondering what he might have said that would be so embarrassing and runs off down the hallway. And then he runs into Sue, who tells him she's made arrangements for him to be committed for 48 hours so he can get the wet devil out of his system. (HINT!) Sue tells Will that she's trying to help him, so he'll be at his strongest when she destroys him.
So Kurt has skipped school? To continue Burt's education in the art of brunch? And Burt has also skipped work? This episode is kind of like The Doctor's wife on Doctor Who -- nothing is happening in the right order, but I'm not sure if it's my fault or the show's. (Who am I kidding? I know it's the show's fault.) Burt is sampling some strawberries while Kurt lectures him on the importance of egg whites to making a good soufflé. And then they take a soufflé out of the oven that has totally fallen. Kurt's kind of pissy about it, and then he apologizes to Burt and tells him that he's preoccupied with Blaine, since he's acting interested in Rachel. Burt doesn't get it, since he thought Blaine was gay. All of this is just a way to lead up to Burt telling Kurt that it's not okay for him to have boys (gay ones, at least) sleep in his room without getting some kind of permission, just like it wouldn't be okay for Finn to have a girl sleep in his room. It's all just a rehash of Kurt acting put-upon and Burt having to fend off accusations of homophobia while trying to make a valid point. It's a little less one-sided this time, because you can tell that Burt actually is uncomfortable thinking about actual gay sex as opposed to his actual gay son. Commercials.
Gym. It's time for the assembly. Figgins gives another of his deadpan introductions. "Unfortunately, Kitty Dukakis could not be here because of disinterest, but Lima police chief Lawrence Crowley is here to show you a grisly slide show of auto accidents." Backstage, Brit-Brit is worried about performing. "You guys, I'm really nervous. Ke$ha's been a cultural icon for weeks, and I really want to do her justice." So Rachel gives them something to take the edge off. It's a combination of everything that was left in her fathers' liquor cabinet, plus some cough syrup and crushed up Oreos. So they all drink. In front of the curtain, the slide show has just finished. Figgins: "Now performing the hit single, 'Tik and also Tok,' by rapper Key-dollar-sign-ha, the New Directions." The kids perform the song, with Brit-Brit on lead. The performance is good, and Figgins totally gets into it, complete with vogueing. And then Brit spews purple vomit in Rachel's face. Rachel runs off, and Santana spews all over the floor. Brit: "Everybody drink responsibly."
Cut to Sue and Becky doing their best Eve Arden and Dody Goodman impression, complete with Becky on the xylophone. (I spent way too long trying to find a picture of that scene from Grease, with no luck. If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch the movie.) Sue's PA announcement is epic: "Students. Colleagues. Indeed, all who understand the Queen's English. We all still quake in terror at what we witnessed yesterday at the assembly, by a glee club spiraling out of control. My nose is still filled with the acrid stench of teen vomit, and there is simply but one person to blame -- the alcoholic teen-vomit fetishist, Will Schuester, the director of that club. Two days ago, I received a drunk dial in the middle of the night from a horny Will Schuester. Open your ears, McKinley High, and behold the awful price of alcoholism." And then Sue plays the message Will left. It's as bad as you might think, and includes a reference to the fact that riding the bull made Will think of the person he was calling. It's also pretty evident to the world that he was calling Emma, since he refers to the plastic gloves she sometimes wears when eating. Sue finishes the announcement by telling Will, "You've just been publicly humiliated. And on the road to recovery, that's the very first step." Hmmm, maybe Sue wrote her own Big Book. Commercials.
LTG lives in Boston, where he's a full-time pension and insurance attorney and a part-time xylophonist. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.