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It's Valentine's Day at McKinley High (which means the championship football game really was played in February), and there are so many different love connections floating around that it's nearly impossible to keep track of it all. To start with, Finn is longing for Quinn after last week's kiss, but she's decided to be faithful to Sam and won't kiss Finn again. So Finn decides to open a kissing booth so that peer pressure will force Quinn to kiss him. Although this sounds like a moronic plan, it actually works, as Quinn feels compelled to kiss Finn in order to demonstrate to Sam that she's really over him. (What? If you were a hormone-filled adolescent, I'm sure that would all make sense.) And this is all going on at the same time that Rachel is still pining after Finn. Meanwhile, Puck is nursing a serious crush on Lauren Tuna, and he chases after her hard. She's pretty resistant at first, but finally agrees to have a pre-Valentine's dinner with him at Breadstix. And just in case you were doubting whether Lauren deserved Puck's attentions, she is the one person to finally call Santana out on being a total bitch. Finally, Blaine tells Kurt that there's this guy he really likes and wants to pursue for Valentine's Day. Kurt has a lovely few minutes of thinking that he's that lucky guy before being told that Blaine's love interest is really some assistant manager at the Gap.
So, what happens with all these love machinations? Finn and Quinn's kiss sets off metaphorical fireworks, and they make a plan to see each other for some secret macking. But Santana gets wise to their plan and concocts a devilish plan to infect Finn with mono so that Quinn will also get it if they make out. They both get sick at the same time, and Quinn takes her illness as a sign that she needs to cool it with Finn before she knows what she wants to do with Sam. Rachel (aided by some sage advice from Mercedes) decides that it's better for her to be alone for the time being, so she stops pursuing Finn. The guy Blaine wants turns out to be a total loser who rejects Blaine's dramatic romantic gesture. So Kurt confesses his feelings, and it looks like he and Blaine are now actually starting on some kind of long road to romance. And Lauren Tuna stands Puck up, and then tells him that if he really wants to be with her, he needs to go really slowly. So they decide to spend VD together as friends. But not before Lauren beats the crap out of Santana. In the end, all of the kids gather at Breadstix to attend Kurt's first annual lonely hearts dinner.
Featuring Katy Perry's "Firework," performed by Rachel; Michael Jackson's "P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)," performed by Artie; Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls," performed by Puck (as part of his efforts to woo Lauren Tuna); Paul McCartney's "Silly Love Songs," performed by Blaine and the Warblers; and Robin Thicke's "When I Get You Alone," performed by Blaine and the Warblers. Oh, and one disastrous performance of the Rodgers and Hart standard, "My Funny Valentine," sung by a clearly unbalanced Tina Cohen-Chang.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!First things first. I've been accused of calling our zaftig new Glee Club member "Lauren Tuna" as some kind of misogynistic slur, like I'm a '70s queen sitting around the bar calling women "fish." Puh-leeze, Mary! I'm a card-carrying feminist, and I'll choke a bitch who uses that kind of language. If you may recall, I graced Lauren with her current surname to connect her to her spiritual foremother, April Tuna, a character from Ryan Murphy's earlier show, Popular, portrayed by Adria Dawn. April Tuna started as an occasional background character and through sheer force of personality and acting talent transformed herself into a character so beloved an entire episode was devoted to her. I hope that Ashley Fink and the writers who created Lauren Zizes realize that the Tuna label is a sign of deep respect. If I were an actor, it would be my dream to one day be a Tuna.
We open with Puck, in a classroom, staring forlornly at Lauren Tuna. In voice-over, he tells us, "We all know I'm not the smartest guy in the world." While that's an undeniably true statement, I do hope that Puck realizes he's not the dumbest guy in the world. Or even the dumbest guy in the Glee Club. Anyway, Puck is telling us about his relative intelligence to make the point that even a dope like him knows that you can't choose love. As he stares, we see that Lauren is eating heart-shaped chocolates out of a heart-shaped box. The VO continues: "I mean, I could have any girl I wanted, but here I am, in the middle of geometry or English or something, and the only girl I've got my eye on is a whole lotta woman." Lauren turns to look at Puck, and he nervously pretends he wasn't staring at her. And we flash back to the episode in which Puck got locked in a port-a-potty and recruited Lauren to join the Glee Club. As you may remember, his enticement (in addition to candy) to get her to join was a promise of seven minutes in Heaven. We see Lauren pull Puck into a supply closet for said seven minutes, only to have her proclaim Puck a dud after just three minutes. Back in the geometry/English/whatever classroom, Puck is debating whether he's attracted to Lauren due to her curves or due to the fact that she insults him just like his mother does when the bell rings. As the students leave class, Lauren approaches Puck and tells him to stop staring at her (on penalty of nut breakage) and also informs him that the candy he gave her sucked. As she leaves, Puck mutters to himself, "I'm in love with Lauren Zizes." Join the club, Mohawk. Title card.
Finn is strutting down the hallway of the school. You can practically hear the Bee Gees soundtrack playing in his head. Girls make eyes at him, and he makes finger guns in response. His voice-over tells us that since he won the big game (in February, in Ohio), he's had a mojo infusion: "I'm walking taller, carrying a bigger stick, and using it to fight off the ladies." Those of you who need a minute to recover from the thought of Finn's bigger stick are hereby excused -- you can rejoin us after you've had a chance to compose yourselves. As Finn puts away his finger guns, he's approached by Becky, who declares her love for him and hands him a candy heart. He refuses to commit to being her Valentine, and we see why as he opens the door to his locker -- he's got a cup full of candy hearts given to him by other girls. He's in a quandary about which of his many admirers to choose, but we all know that he really just wants Quinn. Because after breaking up with the girl who cheated on you, the best thing to do is get back together with a different girl who cheated on you. As he makes eyes at Quinn, she looks back, arousing Sam's suspicion. Finn decides he needs to pry her away from Sam by getting her to kiss him again. Finn VO: "The ridiculous thing is that I could get every girl in this school to kiss me but her. Game on."
Coffee shop. Kurt and Blaine are in line to order, and they comment on all the Valentine's Day bric-a-brac littering the store. Kurt is, surprisingly, a total cynic about the holiday, while Blaine is a hopeless romantic. In fact, he's planning something really dramatic and wants Kurt's advice. It seems that Blaine has set his eye on a certain unnamed lad that he's known for only a little while, and he wants to know whether Kurt thinks it's too much to sing to someone on Valentine's Day. Seeing as how Kurt thinks Blaine is planning on singing to him, Kurt's cynicism disappears, and he tells Blaine to go for it. His hopes are raised even higher when they get to the counter and Blaine automatically knows Kurt's coffee order. Which, if that's a sign of love, means the cashier at the Caribou in D.C. was totally in love with me, and I went and moved back to Boston without even saying goodbye. I'm such a heartless bastard. Anyway, Kurt has now decided that Valentine's Day is just nifty.
Music room. Will writes "love" on the white board, and tells the assembled Gleesters that he has just one word for them. Brit-Brit raises her hand and asks if that word happens to be "love." Hearing that it is, she waves her hands victoriously and tells Artie, "I'm totally going to graduate now." Will's assignment is for each student to pick a partner and sing to that person what the singer thinks is the world's greatest love song. The couples in the room are thrilled, while Mercedes rolls her eyes so hard, I fear she will morph into Santana right before our eyes. If I'm doing my math right, this pairing up will leave two girls in a pair (since the club now has five boys and seven girls). Which raises the prospect of another Mercedes/Santana duet, which would be awesome. But we'll have to see how that mathematical conundrum is resolved at a later time, because Finn interrupts to make an announcement. He's noticed that it's been an entire week since anyone in Glee Club has been slushied, and he thinks that's due to his having won the big game, with his aura of popularity protecting the rest of them from attack. I'd like to point out that nine of the kids in this room were on the field for at least some part of the big game, so maybe the entire school is appreciative of all of their efforts. But the episode is all about Finn's swollen ego, so I won't puncture his illusions.
Anyway, the real purpose of Finn's announcement is that he's decided to raise money for Glee Club by opening a kissing booth, in which he'll charge the fairer sex a dollar per kiss. Mercedes interrupts him to point out that his real goal is just to kiss a bunch of girls. Santana: "I've kissed Finn, and can I just say, not worth a buck. I would, however, pay a hundred dollars to jiggle one of his man boobs." And this leads to the introduction of another theme of the episode, as Finn asks Santana if she ever gets bored with insulting people, and she calmly tells him she doesn't. In fact, she tells the rest of the club, "You guys love me. I keep it real, and I'm hilarious." I think she's confusing the Glee Club with the home television audience. Lauren Tuna: "Actually, you're just a bitch." Santana thinks Lauren's just saying that because she's trying to steal Santana's man. Puck notes that he's not Santana's man, and Quinn jumps in to point out that Santana spends all of her time insulting everyone: "Three weeks ago, you told me you were disappointed I didn't have a lizard baby." Single-T Tina: "Five minutes ago you said Mr. Schue belonged in a twelve-step program." Will notices that his name was said, and Santana tells him, "You're addicted to vests." As Will considers this shocking truth, Rachel tells Santana the problem is that she can dish it out but can't take it: "Maybe you're right, maybe I am destined to play the title role in the Broadway musical version of Willow, but the only job you're going to have is working on a pole." That leads to shocked silence in the room, and Santana walks out.
Hallway. Brit-Brit tries to comfort Santana as she sits on the floor and cries. Santana tells her, "I just try to be really, really honest with people when I think that they suck, you know. No one gets it." As she continues to explain her life philosophy, Lauren walks by and approaches Puck. Her purpose there is to disabuse him of the notion that she needed him to stick up for her in any way after she called Santana a bitch. Puck, who knows how to tell a lady what she wants to hear, tells her he would never think that, because he knows just how very tough she is. And then he asks her to dinner at Breadstix on Valentine's Day. Lauren: "You seriously think it's that easy? I'm not desperate, so if you really want this, you best come correct, because I spell 'woman' z-i-z-e-s, and I need to be wooed. You understand me? Woo." And with that, she walks away, leaving a smitten Puck in her wake. Commercials.
At Dalton Academy, Kurt is writing "Blaine + Kurt" in his notebook when Blaine approaches him and asks him to join him at an emergency meeting of the Warblers council. Cut to the meeting being called to order. By the way, "the council" appears to be the entire group of Warblers, judging by how many guys are in the room. Blaine is given the floor, and he tells the room, while looking straight at Kurt, that he's in love. People are generally happy to hear it, but one does wonder why he needs an emergency meeting of the group just to share that news. It's because he wants the group's help to serenade his beloved at an off-campus location. That request leads to lots of shocked questions and head-shaking. The gavel-banging Warbler reminds everyone, "The Warblers haven't performed in an informal setting since 1927, when the Spirit of St. Louis overshot the tarmac and plowed through seven Warblers during an impromptu rendition of 'Welcome to Ohio, Lucky Lindy.'" Good Lord, Blaine! How dare you remind them all of this tragedy? You bastard! Blaine accuses the group of becoming "privileged porcelain birds," and suggests that their lack of public performance experience is what may have cost them victory at Sectionals. I guess these guys really don't like porcelain, because everybody is pretty upset. But then Kurt speaks up and tells them that his old Glee Club performed everywhere, no matter how hostile the audience, and it gave the club confidence. Gavel-banger asks where Blaine is thinking of doing this whole thing, and he tells them that it'd be at the Gap at the mall. Because the guy he likes is a junior manager there. Since Kurt has no recollection of taking a soul-crushing retail job, he realizes that Blaine's not in love with him. The group votes as the camera focuses on Kurt's shocked face.
Cut to... a slumber party? Mercedes, Rachel, and Kurt, all in pajamas, are hanging out in Rachel's room. Okay, I guess this is a thing that we'll just go with. Kurt has just told them the story, and Rachel asks if Blaine ever actually said that he and Kurt were dating. Kurt realizes that he made the entire thing up in his head, based on the fact that they sang a few duets together and Blaine is constantly smiling at him. Honey, don't blame yourself. Blame the writers. Mercedes and Rachel commiserate with him, although in Rachel's case it spins off into a description of a crazy plan to use his kissing booth to force him to kiss her one hundred times. Mercedes calls her back to Earth with a reminder that they're supposed to be giving Kurt advice. Mercedes tells Kurt that he should go to the Gap attack in order to scope out the competition. And then she tells Kurt and Rachel that they are both too guy crazy, and they need to be more like Mercedes, who is totally comfortable being alone. "The three of us are divas. Look at our idols -- Whitney, Barbra, Patty Lupone. They all became stars while they were single. They took all the pain and loneliness and put it into their music. People can relate to it. Everyone feels lonely. Harnessing their pain is why they became legends." Rachel seems convinced, although Kurt still has a sad look on his face. And then they all climb into bed for a snuggle.
Music room, where Puck is leading the boys in the opening choral part of Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls." And then Puck takes the solo and sings it to Lauren Tuna. After a couple of seconds, we see Rachel, Mercedes, and Santana realize that Puck is singing to Lauren, and they all have slightly befuddled looks on their faces. Mercedes and Rachel's quizzical looks soon become looks of happiness, while Santana gives Lauren the stink-eye of all stink-eyes. As for Lauren, it's hard to tell if she's happy or embarrassed, or a little bit of both. After the song finishes, the bell rings and all the other kids leave the room (but Santana gives Puck an angry warning finger before she does). Puck approaches Lauren and tells her that this was his love song to her. Duh. Lauren: "That was the first time anyone ever sang me a love song. And it made me feel like crap." She leaves while Puck just looks confused.
Cut to the kissing booth, which looks very much like Lucy's psychiatric help booth. Complete with "the kisser is in" sign. There's a long line of girls waiting to kiss Finn. Becky's at the head of that line, and Finn takes just one of the many dollars she offers and kisses her on the cheek. Just then a timer goes off, and he changes the sign to "the kisser is out," explaining to the waiting lasses that it's time for an oral hygiene break. As they all mutter with disappointment and leave, Quinn confronts Finn and accuses him of doing all this as some way to make her feel pressured into kissing him. The long and the short of it is that Finn is an egotistical ass and Quinn claims that she won't kiss him to avoid leading him on and hurting Sam. Who, it turns out, has witnessed this discussion from a distance. End of scene, commercials.
Library. Quinn is looking through a crate of LPs when Sam approaches her, upset because her face was too close to Finn's while they were speaking earlier. She tries to convince him that he's the only guy she digs (which is why she's looking at the records to find a classic love song to sing to him), when Sam asks her why she hasn't kissed Finn at his booth. Because apparently, failing to kiss him indicates to Sam that Quinn places some kind of value on such a kiss. Man, teenagers are stupid. This stupidity all ends with Quinn telling Sam that she will kiss Finn. Which leaves Sam looking like he's not sure he thought his plan through all the way. Oh, Ladylips -- I thought teenagers were stupid, but maybe it's just you.
Kissing booth. Rachel is the girl in line, and Finn asks her if she's sure she can handle kissing him. She tells him that she's decided that flying solo is best for her career, so it won't be hard to kiss him. She pays her dollar and closes her eyes, and he kisses her on the cheek. Which pisses her off. And leads her to tell him that she still loves him. He closes the kissing booth and pulls her aside for a chat. He can't forgive her because she cheated on him. Hmmm, kind of like he wants Quinn to cheat on Sam. [But he's willing to forgive Quinn who cheated on him. Teenagers. -- Angel] She tells him he's the only one she cares about, and then he pulls out the Christmas present he never got to give her (since they broke up), which he very conveniently happens to have stored in the kissing booth. And it's a gold star pendant. He puts it on her and tells her that she's a star and that she needs to shine, and that she doesn't need a guy to anchor her to Lima. She thanks him and walks away.
As Rachel walks down the hallway, she passes Mike Chang and Artie an open locker. They're basically congratulating themselves on being the only two Glee males in a really stable relationship. Um, not with each other. You know what I mean. Although I would understand your confusion, as Artie starts singing Michael Jackson's "P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)," and it really does sound like he's addressing the opening spoken lines to Mike Chang. But he's not. Artie sings while Mike dances, and the performance moves from the hallway to the music room, where Artie is singing to Brit-Brit while Mike dances in Single-T Tina's general direction. At the end of the song, Tina tells Mike, "I'm so in love, I may just start crying." That's a clue.
Hallway. Santana approaches Puck and hands him a receipt. It's the necklace she bought herself at Jared (which, if I understand the commercials, means she's now engaged to herself?). She's submitting the receipt to Puck for reimbursement, and will allow Puck to take her to Valentine's Day dinner at Breadstix. He tells her no, and she says he's made his point: "I'm sort of a bitch. But I'm willing to change. I won't tell Lauren to look out for poachers who might mistake her for the endangered white rhino." As she finishes that line, Lauren walks up behind her. Lauren threatens to rip out Santana's weave. Santana turns around to face Lauren, and to demonstrate that she really is trying to be a better person, tells her, "Hello, Lauren. You are a beautiful person. Now getz out my way, please, aforez I endz you." (I put in the extra z's to make it seem more street. You can thank me later.) Lauren: "You don't want to push me." Santana: "Oh, but I kinda do. I'm from a part of town called Lima Heights Adjacent. You know where that is, Poppin' Fresh? It's on the wrong side of the tracks." Since Santana's father is a doctor, I assume that Lima Heights is the really rich neighborhood, and Lima Heights Adjacent is its slightly less well-off neighbor. And that the tracks are for some quaint little trolley, like the Mattapan High Speed Line that runs across the river from my apartment in Boston.
And then Santana gives Lauren a tiny backhanded slap to the cheek. Oh, it's a duel. What shall it be? Pistols at fifty paces? Sabers at dawn? Lauren chooses lockers, now, as she starts slamming Santana around the hallway. Santana gets in a couple of minor shots of her own, but it's a pretty one-sided fight, and it ends with Lauren sliding Santana down the hallway, where she lands right at the feet of Coach Beiste. If this wrestling thing doesn't work out for Lauren, she might just have a future in curling. Coach Beiste, apparently too scared of Lauren to try to actually discipline her, tells Lauren to knock it off and go away, and then picks up Santana and throws her over her shoulder for a trip to the nurse. Puck is incredibly turned on and practically begs Lauren to go out with him. She tells him that if he makes a formal presentation, she'll consider it. Does she mean a presentation with charts and slides? Is Lauren Tuna some kind of PowerPoint fetishist?
The kisser is in. And the kissee is Quinn. But not before Sam arrives and insists on getting a close view. Honestly, when you see Finn's lips and Sam's lips in the same shot, it becomes apparent who should really be running a kissing booth. Anyway, Quinn and Finn kiss, and as they finish, Finn is seeing fireworks. Is he having a mailman moment? Oh, and from the way it's shot, it may be that Quinn is also seeing fireworks. But she plays it cool and asks if Sam is satisfied. As the two of them walk away (with Sam telling her of his plans to load some of the LPs into iTunes), she realizes that she left her purse behind, and she runs back to get it. And then whispers into Finn's ear that he should meet her in the auditorium tomorrow afternoon. Commercials.
The Gap. Blaine and Kurt are lurking among the racks, check out Blaine's love object, a reasonably cute long-haired blond named Jeremiah. Blaine: "If he and I got married, the Gap would give me a 50% discount." Of course, since Blaine only appears to ever wear his school uniform, I'm not sure why he'd need a discount. Which is my way of saying that he, and Kurt, and all of the Warblers are wearing their uniforms. Surreptitious they're not. Blaine attempts to chicken out (pointing out to Kurt that he and Jeremiah haven't even gone out on a date), but Kurt tells him to man up. So Blaine and the Warblers sing Robin Thicke's "When I Get You Alone," with the Warblers scattered all around the store. The other people in the store have a very muted reaction to these guys in ugly blazers suddenly bursting into song, and Jeremiah doesn't even appear to hear the music at first. But then he sees that Blaine is essentially following him all around the store, and he tries really hard to pretend he has no idea who this lunatic is. Although he seems to be the only person in the store (including the other employees) who's not enjoying the performance. Well, Kurt also doesn't appear to be entirely enjoying it, as he keeps making moon eyes at Blaine. As the song finishes, Blaine slides up to Jeremiah's register with a pair of socks to buy.
Cut to Kurt and Blaine sitting on a bench, pretending it's cold outside. Blaine is wondering whether the entire thing was all too much, and Kurt's not exactly telling him it wasn't. And then Jeremiah emerges from the store and tells Blaine that he just got fired because of all the singing and dancing. I guess his boss was the other person somewhere in the store who also didn't enjoy it. Also, nobody at the Gap knew that Jeremiah is gay. Kurt, noting Jeremiah's hair, begs to differ. In any case, Jeremiah tells Blaine that the fact that they had coffee a couple of times doesn't mean they were dating. And he essentially calls Blaine jailbait, indicating that Jeremiah is older than he looks and that he's ignorant of Ohio's age-of-consent laws. Even though Kurt was just in this exact situation, he has a hard time conjuring up a supportive look to give to Blaine.
However, I can totally sympathize with Blaine. Welcome to LTG's Minute of Oversharing as I tell you why. When I was a senior in high school, I was out to a significant number of people in my school, even if it wasn't common knowledge among all teachers and students that I was gay. And after a performance in a school play, I was approached by a totally adorable sophomore who wanted to tell me how much he enjoyed my performance. And he started stalking me in a very minor way, so that it became apparent that he knew that I was gay and he was interested in me. And he would have been a great catch -- very cute, an athlete, funny, smart. But I absolutely refused to date him and insisted we remain friends, because I somehow had gotten the idea that it was more important to have a gay friend in school than a boyfriend. Meanwhile, every time I became aware of some college-aged gay guy, I would develop a massive crush. And I mean people I didn't even meet, like the gay DJ on the Syracuse University radio station morning show, and the guy I saw in a couple of SU student plays. I never went to the point of convincing a bunch of friends to join me in serenading these dudes, but I did fantasize about ways I might accidentally meet them so they could fall madly in love with me. All while a guy with whom I could have had an actual relationship was standing right in front of me. (See, teenagers are stupid.) And that concludes LTG's Minute of Oversharing.
Music room. Mike Chang enters with Single-T Tina on his back. In a happy, fun way, not a nagging way. Santana notices all the lovey-dovey behavior among the couples in the room (including Quinn and Ladylips) and gets a disgusted look on her face. And then we get a Santana voice-over: "Ugh, gross. How is this possible? I'm the hottest piece of action at this school and here I am, on Valentine's, single. Whatever. I'll just marry and NFL player. They're super reliable." And then she sees Finn come in and catches Quinn throwing a little look his way. The VO continues: "Wait, that's weird. Quinn's wearing her queen bitch smirk, and Finn only wears that gassy infant look when he feels guilty about something. Holy sweet hell, they're fooling around! I know what cheating looks like, I do it all the time. Well, I think it's time to do what Santana does best. Revenge."
Cut to Santana walking down the hallway in a stripper version of a hospital candy striper outfit, complete with teddy bear. She walks into the nurse's office and asks if there's anybody there who needs comfort. The nurse, violating every patient privacy rule known to man, names the student who's behind the curtain with mono, waiting for his mother to pick her up. The nurse warns Santana not to enter the cubicle due to the highly contagious nature of mono. Santana: "Please, I've had mono so many times it turned into stereo." And then she walks into the cubicle and macks on the pimply-faced teenager waiting there. And then she cuts to the head of the kissing booth line and plants a big wet one on Finn. He pulls away, and she tells him, "Sorry, I just couldn't help myself. If I have anything, I hope it's not contagious." And then a befuddled Finn starts kissing more girls, become McKinley High's very own Patient Zero of the mono epidemic of 2011.
Puck is sitting at a table with Lauren. He looks around, dazed and confused, and asks here where she's brought him. Lauren: "It's the library." Puck looks only vaguely comforted by that. Lauren tells him she's confused, since he claims to want to formally ask her out but he's brought neither envelope of cash or muffin basket. I think Lauren is a little confused on the concepts of dating and prostitution. Which makes me wonder what her home life is like. Puck thinks the singing should be enough to seal the deal, but she tells him that the song he sang was offensive. And I'm not going to get into a whole debate about whether "Fat Bottomed Girls" is offensive, but I thought the singing and gyrating were hot enough to make up for any flaw in the lyrics. In any case, Lauren does not think Puck is ready for her jelly, so she stands up to leave, but Puck asks her to please give him a chance by going on a pre-Valentine's Day date with him. If she enjoys herself, she can go on the real date the night. But he does all this on bended knee while offering her a ring pop. She agrees to meet him at eight.
Auditorium. Quinn enters, late. She apologizes for the delay by telling Finn that she was at church, praying for the strength to stay away. Finn moves in for a kiss, but Quinn pulls back and notes the basic hypocrisy of his position, because she'll be cheating on Ladylips, and thereby doing the thing that Finn seems to think is so unforgivable. Finn tells her that he was hurt by her cheating because it meant she didn't really love him, because you would never cheat on someone you really loved. My apologies to Ladylips -- it really is all teenagers that are stupid. Quinn claims to love Sam, but Finn thinks that if she really did she wouldn't be there. Quinn claims that she at least think she loves Sam, and that she won't break up with him until she's certain one way or the other. But until then, she's happy to make out with Finn. Commercials.
Coffee shop. This time, it's Blaine who is sickened by all of the Valentine's Day crap for sale. Kurt notes his changed attitude, and Blaine tells him, "I don't think I've ever made that big a big fool of myself. Which is really saying something, because I've performed at theme parks. I just... I can't believe I made it all up in my head." And then we learn that Kurt has taken his courage pills that morning, because he asks Blaine what he (Kurt) was supposed to think about his coffees with Blaine, and the sweet duets, and constant hanging out. Blaine seems completely gobsmacked, like he never even considered the idea that he and Kurt might date. (And this makes me feel a little better, because even I wasn't that obtuse in high school.) Blaine confesses that for all his bravado, he's actually a clueless dude who's never dated any guys. And neither has Kurt. Blaine tells Kurt that he really cares about him, but is clearly an idiot when it comes to romance, and he doesn't want to screw "this" up. It's not sure what "this" is supposed to be -- his friendship with Kurt? A potential romance with Kurt? His perfectly coiffed hair? But Kurt seems to understand, and telling Blaine that their relationship will be just like When Harry Met Sally..., provided Kurt gets to be Meg Ryan. He can be Meg Ryan so long as he promises to stay away from her plastic surgeon. Blaine notes that Harry and Sally get together at the end of the movie, and they both seem a little happy at that idea. They arrive at the front of the line and Kurt orders for the two of them, causing Blaine to repeat Kurt's earlier line about knowing each other's coffee orders. And then Kurt says he has an idea bout what the two of them can do on Valentine's Day.
Cut to Puck in some outdoor location making out with a woman who is not Lauren Tuna. Just as you think he's stupidly ruining his chances with our favorite Greco-Roman wrestler, he comes up for air and thanks the woman he's kissing for making out with him, since it takes the sting out of being stood up by Lauren. She tells him, "It's cool. My dad's a drug addict, so losers make me horny." And we learn that the kissee is a waitress at Breadstix, as another waitress sticks her head out the door and insists that she come back and cover her section. And that she return her husband's phone call. Also, in case there was any doubt, the stencil on the glass door makes it clear that Breadstix is, indeed, spelled with an x. Thanks for the validation, show! (To be fair, I believe this is validation of Demian, who first spelled it that way.)
Music room. A clearly exhausted Finn tells the assembled kids that he kissed every girl in the school and raised $324. Which means there are only around 700 kids at this school? It seemed larger than that to me. Maybe he deducted the cost of the materials to build the kissing booth? Will thanks him for his efforts, noting that he's raised enough to pay for half a plane ticket to Nationals. Santana notices how tired he is, and glances over to see that Quinn is also looking pretty peaked. Will tells the kids that it's time to hear what Single-T Tina thinks is the world's greatest love song. Tina has selected the Rodgers and Hart standard, "My Funny Valentine," and the performance really stands out. Partly because it's being sung in the room, rather than lip-synced to a studio recording, partly because the only accompaniment is coming from Tinkles, but mostly because after about one verse, Single-T Tina breaks down and starts crying, until she eventually falls to her knees in tears. All because she loves Mike so much she could cry. (See, I told you it was a clue.) And then Finn and Quinn both ask if they can go to the nurse's office because they're both sick. Santana guesses all of their symptoms and diagnoses mono, being sure to point out for the slower members of the club that mono is often called "the kissing disease." She's so pleased with herself as we cut to commercials.
Nurse's office. Quinn and Finn are on neighboring cots. Quinn thinks the fact that when she cheats she either gets pregnant or sick is a sign that she should stop cheating. But Finn thinks that Sam likes Quinn enough that he'll believe any story she tells him to excuse the mono. Not to mention the fact that he's dumb as a post. And based on the name that Quinn calls Santana, she knows exactly who's responsible for the mono. The nurse tells them their mothers are on the way, and then Finn tells Quinn that he's not done with the two of them. But Quinn thinks they need to stop messing around until she figures out what's going on with Ladylips and Finn figures out what's going on with Rachel. Despite his denials, she's confident something is going on with Rachel based on the way he looks at her.
Puck gives Lauren the cold shoulder in the hallway, and she asks him what's up his butt. He calls her out on standing him up, and she seems to have genuinely forgotten that they had a date. Puck: "I get it. You've been hurt by guys before. But I'm not like that." Lauren: "First of all, you got a girl pregnant last year, so yeah, you are. And (b), what makes you assume guys treat me badly? I can take care of myself." Puck tells her that it's her toughness and self-reliance that really makes him like her. Lauren confesses that she does like Puck, even though her estimation of his hotness has gone down since she learned he's not mixed-race. But the bottom line is that she's not just looking for someone to fool around with, so if he wants to go out with her, he has to take it slow. Which means that she will go out for dinner on Valentine's Day, but just as friends.
Nurse's office. Quinn's mother has come to pick her up, and Finn wakes from a nap to find Rachel laying a cold compress on his forehead. Rachel also lays a whole guilt trip on him, telling him that she's well aware that Quinn is prettier than her and that it meant so much to her that he chose Rachel over Quinn. She asks if he did kiss Quinn, and he admits it, claiming he just needed to get it out of his system. She asks what it felt like, and he tells her he saw fireworks. And then he hesitates when she asks if kissing her ever set off fireworks. Well, the first time they kissed it set off fireworks in his pants. Does that count? Rachel decides his hesitation means that her lips lack sufficient gunpowder, so she walks away with one tear in her eye. Finn tries to stop her, but she tells him this was actually what she needed to get over him, and that he gave her a great idea for a song. As she walks away, she starts singing Katy Perry's "Firework." And she sings it down the hallway and right into the music room. And also into her bedroom. And (wearing a different outfit) down a hallway full of students carrying sparklers. It must be a meeting of the Burn Wound Club.
Rachel, looking trepidatious, sits down in a booth at Breadstix. She's alone until Mercedes, Single-T Tina, and Mike Chang join her. And then Kurt is on the microphone, which is on a stage (?), welcoming everyone to the First Annual Kurt Hummel Lonely-hearts Dinner. Everyone from Glee Club, except for the infectious Finn and Quinn, are scattered at different tables. Which means that Santana and Sam are both sitting alone. Can I say, from Kurt's vantage point on the stage (?), Breadstix looks like it's about the size of the teacher's lounge at McKinley. Did I mention that Kurt's wearing his Dalton uniform? Did they glue that thing to his body when he enrolled? The rest of his wardrobe must be feeling neglected. Anyway, the rest of the Warblers (who I guess are all dateless on Valentine's Day, which makes sense given their wardrobe choices) are on the stage (?) with Kurt. Kurt's introduction finished, the Warblers start singing Paul McCartney's "Silly Love Songs," with Blaine (of course) on lead. After the first verse, the Warblers move out into the restaurant and start dancing around and with various patrons. Points to Blaine for singing the line about love sometimes never coming at all right in Santana's face. Someone must given him lessons in how to be catty. And then the Warblers get back on the stage (?) as the song and the episode ends. But not before Santana and Ladylips exchange a glance fraught with portent.
LTG lives in Boston, where he's a full-time pension attorney and a part-time cat wrangler. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.