This may have been the simplest, most straightforward episode of Glee yet. In the 'A' plot, everyone seems psyched for Regionals -- until they learn that Sue is one of the judges. Since they're all certain she'll ensure that they neither win nor place, Will and the kids are convinced that Glee Club is over. But a pep talk from Emma gives Will the motivation he needs to get the kids pumped up again. Well, Emma plus the magic of Steve Perry. Because Will decides the kids should perform a Journey medley at Regionals. And they put together a nice medley of "Faithfully," a mash-up of "Any Way You Want It" and "Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'," and (of course) "Don't Stop Believin'." To counter that, Vocal Adrenaline performs "Bohemian Rhapsody." (And by "Vocal Adrenaline," I mean Jesse with a little back-up.) But New Direction's efforts are in vain, because the judges (Sue, newscaster Rod, Josh Groban and Olivia Newton-John) award first place to Vocal Adrenaline and second place to Aural Intensity.
Having failed to place at Regionals, New Directions is slated for the chopping block. Emma puts up a fight with Figgins, to no avail. But Sue has been touched, both by the kids' devotion to Will and by the class prejudice of renowned snob Olivia Newton-John, so she engages in one last act of blackmail and gets Figgins to give the club one more year to try to place at Regionals. As always, Sue makes everything better.
In other developments, Emma is dating her dentist, but Will declares his love for her and vows to put up a fight. And Finn declares his love for Rachel. And Quinn's mother shows up, just in time for Quinn's water to break after the Regionals performance. Quinn delivers the baby and bonds with Puck over the experience. But she sticks to her plan to give up the baby for adoption. Fortunately, Shelby has decided to give up Vocal Adrenaline to focus on having a normal life, so she adopts little Beth. Finally, in addition to the other songs mentioned, the kids sing "To Sir With Love" in tribute to Will, and he responds with a performance of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."
Previously, on Glee -- well, you already know, or you wouldn't have been watching the finale. I'd rather talk about what we're going to use to fill the empty void in our souls while we wait for the second season of Glee to start. I have two suggestions that might help you make it through the long, long summer. First, The Choir, on BBCAmerica. It's just chock full of rags-to-riches stories about the kind of empowerment you can find in musical expression. And I'm guessing that cutie-patootie choirmaster Gareth Malone will not start rapping, ever. is Beautiful People on Logo. It's gayer than Kurt's sailor hat in this episode, the boys are apt to burst into showtunes at the drop of a hat, and the writers appear to share a drug supplier with the writers of Glee, because the plot of any given episode is about as insane as you can possibly imagine. Between those two shows, you'll undoubtedly find a big enough supply of the fierce and fabulous to make it until fall.
Will is hanging a poster in the hallway, inviting students to support New Directions at Regionals that Saturday. (Of course, the poster fails to give the time or location of Regionals, thus demonstrating why Will is part of McKinley High's brain trust.) Sue walks by and tells him she's looking forward to seeing him on Saturday. Will can't believe she would show up to support the club -- but she's not coming to show her support, she's coming to Regionals as a judge.
Flash sideways to the Maharishi's Sanctum of Screaming. In this case, it's Will doing the screaming, insisting that Figgins cannot let Sue destroy the Glee Club by acting as a judge. Figgins, demonstrating that as bad a principal as he is he's still smarter than Will, reminds him that he doesn't actually have any control over the actions of the Show Choir governing board. If they want to invite a teacher from one of the schools in the competition to judge that competition, it's beyond the powers of Figgins, the Show Choir Code of Ethics, or the laws of logic to do anything about it. Sue tells Will that the decision was made to invite celebrities to be the judges, and she's in as the super-celebrity coach of the Cheerios. Will starts to talk to her about hard work and how wrong it is to crush the dreams of children when Sue interrupts him: "I have to be honest, Will, I'm having a really difficult time hearing anything you have to say today, because your hair looks like a briar patch. I keep expecting racist animated Disney characters to pop up and start singing songs about livin' on the bayou." Sue is also offended at the idea that she won't be anything but an impartial judge. Will: "You leaked our set list at Sectionals, Sue." Sue: "I have no memory of that." Figgins has a good memory, however -- he reminds Will that New Directions must at least place at Regionals or he'll disband the club. Title card.
Cut to Puck making out with Quinn, no longer pregnant and in her Cheerios uniform. Clearly, this is a flashback to the night she didn't get pregnant in a hot tub. Quinn almost stops the action, remembering her vow as president of the Celibacy Club. Puck reminds her that Santana and Brittany took the same vow, and it didn't stop them from getting down with the Puckerman. Wait, so all I have to do to get Puck in my pants is take a vow of celibacy? Where do I sign up? Quinn is also worried that they'll hurt Finn's feelings. Puck, with the perspective of the truly horny, tells her that once they leave high school they're not really going to care about any of their current relationships. Quinn also asks about protection, and Puck assures her that he's got it. Oh, Puck -- wishful thinking is not nearly as effective as a condom. He also tells her that this isn't just another hookup, and then (at her insistence) tells her that she's not fat.
In the present, a very pregnant Quinn is staring out the window at Will's house, lost in thought. Will gets her attention, and offers to help her with the stack of paper plates she's carrying. Oh, how chivalrous. Except that she reminds him that she's not due for a month and that a stack of plates weighing just a few ounces probably won't cause any serious injury to the fetus. Why is Quinn hanging out at Will's house? It's because the entire Glee Club is there for a pre-Regionals pizza party. The purpose of the party is to select the set list for Regionals. So, the competition is in less than a week and they're just now deciding what they'll sing? Oh, Will, you suck. The kids don't seem too pleased by this crappy planning either -- they're all in a total funk. But that's not because they've realized their coach is operating with some kind of hair-product-induced mental deficiency, it's because they've decided that with Sue as one of the judges, they'll never place and the club will be dead. Tina starts crying, and tells the kids that she's loved Glee Club and will miss having everyone as her friends. "Rachel was right. Being part of something special, it made me special." (I'd link to that part of the pilot where Rachel said that, but that crucial line wasn't quoted in the recap. Whoops!) As for why Tina knows what Rachel said in that moment when she was speaking only with Will, I assume that one of two things is true: either the A.V. Club has the bleachers bugged, or Rachel has repeated that line (in a haranguing one of voice) about once a week during the course of the school year. Finn doesn't see why the all think everything has to end even if the club itself is shut down. Rachel: "Please. You think Puck and Santana are even gonna acknowledge my existence once we're not in Glee Club together anymore?" Puck: "She has a point." Rachel, in tears herself, asks Will if they can forget about the Regionals set list and just talk about the things they loved about Glee Club. Man, this reminds me of the time I was in the school play freshman year and we thought we'd have to cancel the performances because two days before our premiere when the principal suspended a kid with a large role because he farted in a teacher's face. We all sat around crying like this. (Don't worry, my story has a happy ending -- a recent graduate home for Spring Break stepped in and learned the role in two days, saving the show. And giving me someone to crush on for the couple of years.)
Cut to Emma's office, where Will is telling her how sad the kids are making him. She wants to know exactly what he wants from her. As always, the answer is sex. Or, I mean, "counseling." She reminds him of that time in the pilot that she convinced him to stay on as Glee Club coach by helping him recall how happy singing used to make him. He needs to recapture that feeling, and help the kids understand that the joy of singing together is way more important than winning or losing. Aw, it's the return of Emma and Will's Plaintive Love Theme on the soundtrack. I've missed you, you plucky notes. Emma's sage guidance reminds Will how much he misses her, and she chooses that moment to tell him that she's dating her dentist. You just can't stay away from those dental professionals, can you Jayma Mays? A guy asks you to rinse and spit and you just give it up to him. Will is stunned, and rudely asks whether Emma and Dr. Teeth have gone all the way. She does not slap him, but he also realizes how inappropriate that was and withdraws the question. Emma tells him, "I just think that you and I had our shot, Will." As he leaves, she tells him that she has not, in fact, let Dr. Teeth fill her cavity.
Will and his dragging muffler drive home. He flips through radio stations until he hears the dulcet tones of Steve Perry, singing "Don't Stop Believing." And that's when Will pulls off to the side of the road and starts to cry.
A depressed Rachel walks down the stairs at school when Finn interrupts her moping and tells her they need to talk. He stands about five steps below her, so she's actually standing just a hair taller than him. He tells her that if she had kept it together at the pizza party, the whole group might have rallied, because she's their emotional leader. He tells her, with a touch of anger in his voice, "You and I are gonna fix this. We're going to Regionals, and we're gonna win this thing." And that's when she leans down and kisses him. She kisses him hard. And then she smiles.
Music room. Will writes "Journey" on the white board. As he finishes, Rachel and Finn enter, with a spring in their step and some happy news to give him. But he tells them to sit down and listen to what he has to say first. Will, talking to all the kids: "Nine months ago, there were five of you in here. And we sucked. I mean, we really sucked, bad. One day, all of you are gonna be gone. And all of this, all of us, will be nothing but a hazy memory. It will take you a second to remember everyone's name. Someone will have to remind you of the songs we sung, the solos you got, or didn't get. Life only really has one beginning and one end, and the rest is just a whole lot of middle. And I love you guys too much not to let you make the most of it. Now, I was gonna quit once, but you guys brought me back with 'Don't Stop Believing.' It was a nine, but we are going to make it a ten." In fact, they're going to do a whole Journey medley. Because the journey getting to Regionals was just so much fun. He asks Rachel what she had to say. Her defiant declaration that they were going to go to Regionals and give it their all having been made pointless, Rachel tells him they're just all really happy he didn't become an accountant. Having learned how smart Will is, I'm sure his potential clients are counting their blessings, too. Will: "Regionals, here we come." Commercials.
And now it's Regionals. Apparently, Will had to buy a ticket to get in. Either that, or Figgins called the person running Regionals and told her that Will is an incredibly easy mark if she wanted to score a little free cash off him. Will enters the auditorium just in time for the introduction of the judges: Josh Groban, Olivia Newton-John, Anchorman Rod Remington, and Sue (who gets the biggest round of applause of the four of them). (Also, Sue's soon-to-be-published book is entitled I'm a Winner and You're Fat.) And then the announcer guy introduces the first performers of the evening, Indiana's Aural Intensity.
In a room backstage, New Directions stews while listening Aural Intensity perform over a crappy speaker. Puck is angry to hear them sucking up to the judges with a mash-up of ONJ and Josh Groban. Tensions are high, and the kids bicker, all while Rachel futilely tries to reach the volume control on the speaker (high up on the wall) to shut off the sound of their competitors. Will enters, turns off the speaker, and tells the kids it doesn't matter if they win. And then he gives them another inspiring speech, about how winning isn't everything. He continues, "Besides, we have got something that the other groups don't. Finn's dancing." The kids (including Finn) laugh. And then Finn gets Homer's "wait a minute, something said, something said, not good, not good" look on his face as he realizes that was an insult. But it doesn't matter, because they only have two minutes to get into position for their performance.
Rachel and Finn wait outside the doors at the rear of the auditorium, preparing for another New Directions trademark entrance from the crowd. They're at different doors, so they're not to each other. But then Finn walks over to Rachel, who tells him "Break a leg." His well-wishes are a little less conventional: "I love you." Fortunately, that boosts Rachel rather than causing her to go into a tailspin of doubt and fear. (Face it, with her it's always 50-50.) Finn walks back to his door just as Announcer Guy gives a warm welcome to Nude Erections. And then Finn and Rachel walk into the auditorium and start singing "Faithfully." Before the end of the song, they're on the stage, where the curtain rises on the rest of the group, singing backup. And then they launch into a mash-up of "Any Way You Want It," and "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'." Followed by "Don't Stop Believing." Vocally, the songs are all great, and after the first song the solo lines are distributed a little more evenly. The choreography is pretty loose and freeform. Frankly, I wish they had cut a little bit of the mash-up and given us the full version of DSB that they recorded for release, partly because it's a better song and partly because a lot more kids got solo lines. Oh, and part way through the performance, Quinn's mother sneaks into the audience. The medley ends and the crowd goes wild.
Back stage, the kids are heading back to their staging area and they are pumped. Tina thinks they have second place in the bag. Rachel: "Screw that, we are gonna win this!" And then Quinn gets ambushed by her mother. You can tell Quinn's not exactly thrilled to see her (probably based on the fact that her mother let her father kick Quinn out of the house). Mrs. Fabray tells Quinn that she left Mr. Fabray. Not because he was an awful human being who threw his pregnant daughter out onto the street (which might have been the kind of reason that would make Quinn forgive her mother for being a spineless facilitator of evil) but because he had an affair with a tattooed tramp (gender unknown). And now Mrs. Fabray wants Quinn to come home and keep her and her pre-dinner cocktails company. Oh, and to keep the baby so Mrs. Fabray can have something to do to fill her empty sham of a life. Is my dislike of Quinn's mother coming across here? I've tried to tone it down; I just hope I didn't go too subtle. Quinn's mother begs her to say something. Quinn, ever willing to comply, tells her, "My water just broke." Commercials.
And now it's time for Vocal Adrenaline, performing Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody." Jesse does most of the singing, and plays piano. The dancing is great, as you would expect. And once they get to the "pulled my trigger, now he's dead," line, we start intercutting scenes of Quinn being rushed to the hospital and giving birth. Along with her mother and Puck, Quinn invites Mercedes into the delivery room. There's a great moment where Quinn's plaintive "Mama?" matches up with Jesse singing the same word in the song. During the long guitar solo, we hear Quinn yelling, "You suck, you suck, you suck, you suuuuck!" at Puck. And then Quinn screaming, "Let me go," as the choir is singing that they will not let her go. And then they echo her cries of "no, no, no, no, no!" Jesse's head emerges from a pulsating vulva made up of Vocal Adrenaline arms and hands just as the baby is crowning. At one point, we also see Rachel, the only member of New Directions to remain at the competition, standing in the wings and glaring at Jesse. As the song reaches the calmer bit just before the end, Quinn has given birth, and everyone in the room is looking happy that things have come to a successful conclusion. (I should say that Puck's happiness is partially hidden by a layer of terror and disgust, now that he's come face to face (so to speak) with the awesome life-generating power of the vagina.) The baby is placed in Quinn's arms just as Jesse is singing "nothing really matters to me." That entire sequence was genius. There has to be some kind of award that will recognize that. And it was so exhausting to watch, that I'm not even going to complain that we're coming to another commercial break five minutes after the last one.
Rachel enters a dressing room where she finds Shelby stirring some milk into her coffee. Rachel congratulates Shelby, and then tells her that New Directions actually beat Vocal Adrenaline, because her soulless automatons have no heart. In fact, Rachel thinks that V.A.'s best days are behind it, and that Shelby should come to McKinley and coach New Directions along with Will. I'd wonder what makes Rachel thinks she has the ability to hire teachers for her high school, but it's too easy to believe there's some missing scene in which Rachel tricked Figgins into giving her that power with some scheme involving, oh, let's say, a lost kitten and a Radio Flyer wagon. But it doesn't matter whether Rachel does or does not have hiring authority -- Shelby turns her down. Not to stay with V.A., but because she's leaving the glamorous world of show choir behind her to focus on having a family. Just not, you know, a family with Rachel. That's gotta sting. Shelby: "I missed out on my chance with you, and it kills me. I can't let that happen again." Before Rachel flounces out of the room, Shelby asks where the other McKinley kids have gone off to, and Rachel tells her that they're at the hospital, where Quinn had a beautiful baby girl in the five minutes it took V.A. to sing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Judges' room. Sue walks into the door and greets her fellow judges: "Newton-John? You're dead to me. Remington, Horsey, have a seat and listen to me. I don't care who comes in first, I don't care who places second, but I have a very strong opinion about who comes in third." Rod interrupts her to sing the praises of "Bohemian Rhapsody." "You know, I partied with Freddy Mercury back in the '70s. And I partied... hard, if you know what I mean. Back then, people weren't so obsessed with labels." ONJ, for her part, is offended that only one of the groups chose to honor her by singing one of her many, many hits. Which is why she thinks Aural Intensity should win. Horsey, a.k.a., Josh Groban, raises his hand. Sue, the dutiful teacher, calls on him. Groban: "Two questions. One, are you single? And two, how 'bout those New Directions?" Horsey liked their heart. ONJ thinks heart is overrated. Sue agrees. But ONJ can't stop there -- she slams New Direction's production values, asking if they're "a poor person's school?" Horsey praises Rachel. ONJ: "Brunettes have no place in show business." Sue starts to get a little defensive, pointing out that the N.D. performers are just kids. And then ONJ slams Sue's status as a celebrity. Rod agrees, likening Sue and the New Directions kids to "underachievers with delusions of grandeur." Horsey: "Daaagnabit! Now even I have to admit that I'm a little confused as to what Sue's doing in this room. Wasn't the theme tonight supposed to be 'Celebrity Judges'?" And then the judges vote.
Decision time. V.A., N.D., and A.I. are on the stage. Let's all pretend that there were more than three groups at the Midwestern Regional competition and that the others just sucked so badly that they didn't deserve a place on the stage for the announcement of the winners. Rachel and Jesse exchange glares. Sue thanks the audience for coming: "As you all know, Glee Club is such an important... and I honestly can't even finish that sentence." She announces the runners-up. And it's "the not-at-all-stupidly-named Aural Intensity." And the winners are... Vocal Adrenaline! 'Topes lose, 'Topes lose, 'Topes lose. And Rod hands Will a tiny trophy for participation. The kids in N.D. realize that they didn't even place, which means the end of the club. Commercials.
Hospital. Puck and Quinn are standing at the window of the nursery, looking in on little Drizzle. Puck asks if Quinn wants to keep her. Quinn, bless her heart and her logical and intelligent brain, does not. Quinn asks Puck, "Did you love me?" Puck: "Yes. Especially now." They both look surprised to hear him say it. And then vampire Shelby swoops in to snatch up the baby. Or rather, she stands to them and asks which one is their baby. Quinn asks what Shelby is doing there, and Shelby doesn't answer, just asking if the baby has a name. Quinn says it doesn't, but Puck tells her that the baby is named "Beth."
We're outside the Maharishi's Sanctum of Spine. The spine in this case belongs to Emma, who is screaming at Figgins about how unfair it is to shut down the Glee Club. Will sees this through the glass walls that seem to surround every administrative office in this school, and he walks up to Emma as she storms out of the office and asks her what's going on. She's near tears, and also very angry that Figgins has already given the choir room to the Mock U.N. Will seems willing to just lie down and take it, but Emma wants to fight back against Sue's cheating, scheming ways. Emma: "How can you just give up so easily?" Will tells her that it's over, but she thinks some things are worth fighting for. Will asks if she's talking about Glee Club, or their sickly, prematurely born relationship. Emma insists this is just about the kids, "this is not about us." Will: "Hell it isn't." He grabs her arm, tells her he loves her, and then plants one on her. A kiss I mean. Not a punch. I don't think they have that kind of romantic relationship. He's not giving up without a fight. And then Rachel interrupts their inappropriate makeout session to ask Will to come to the auditorium.
In the auditorium, the kids are all seated on stools on the stage. Will sits at the director's table in the audience. The kids have something to say to him, and that something is that even though they lost at Regionals, they feel like they won because they had him as a teacher. And it's not just because he's such a bad teacher that he failed to explain the difference between winning and losing. It's because he taught them things and gave them the chance to do things that nobody else seemed to care about. The kids all tell them something that was true about themselves before they joined Glee Club. For example, Mike Chang had never danced outside of his room, and Puck was throwing kids into dumpsters. Finn ends the litany, telling Will, "I didn't have a father... someone I could look up to, model myself after. Someone who could show me what it really meant to be a man." He means Burt, right? Mercedes: "Glee Club will never end, Mr. Schue, because you are Glee Club." And then they sing "To Sir With Love." The kids are all crying. And so is Will. And so are you. Especially at the sight of Santana with ugly tears smeared across her face. And it's okay if you're a little creeped out while you're crying, because that song sounds so much like a teacher's excuse to molest his students. As the song finishes, we see Sue lurking in the back of the auditorium. And I think she was crying, too. Commercials.
Music room. Will is cleaning up and putting all of this Glee-related stuff in boxes. Sue saunters into the empty room: "It's as barren as me in here, Will." Will asks if she just came to gloat. Will, it's Sue -- you might as well just ask her if she needs to breathe. Will congratulates her on her victory, and offers to shake her hand. I don't think he's serious. Sue: "Not unless you've got some hand sanitizer. I've seen that car you drive. I don't want to catch poor." Oh, Sue, you can't catch poor just from shaking hands. You have to exchange bodily fluids. Or bank account numbers. Will asks Sue to explain how she could honestly say New Directions wasn't good enough to at least beat Aural Intensity. She claims she can't discuss the judging process.
Smear sideways to Sue casting her vote. Having already written Aural Intensity in second and Vocal Adrenaline in third, it's a bit of a mystery why she seems to be taking so long to write New Directions in first, but she does pause for a bit. And then she votes for them, as we all knew she would. In voice-over, we hear her telling Will, "All I can say is casting my vote was easy. It reflected exactly how I felt in my heart about which team should win."
Back in the choir room, Will tells her that she wins, and that he and the kids lose. Sue: "I know you think I'm heartless, Will. And you may have a point. I spend large segments of each day picturing you choking on food. And I recently contacted an exotic animal dealer because I had a very satisfying dream that the two of us went to a zoo and I shoved your face into one of those pink inflamed monkey butts that weeps lymph. And I know that you think I'm a bad person because I remain unmoved by your nattering of trite platitudes to your ill-shapen students about how the human condition can be improved by, yes, singing about it. And I've proven that I can wipe you and your Glee Club off the face of this earth. But what kind of a world would that be, Will? A world where I couldn't constantly ridicule your hair. A world where I couldn't make fun of you for tearing up more than Michael Landon in a sweeps-week episode of Little House on the Prairie. And you know what, Will? Sue Sylvester's not sure she wants to live in that kind of world. So I had a little talk with Figgins."
Smear sideways to the Maharishi's Sanctum of Second Chances. Sue is there to engage in one last act of blackmail against Figgins. She wants him to give the Glee Club another year. Will he agree?
Smearing back to the music room, we learn that the answer is yes, he would agree, because Sue has just told Will that the Glee Club has another year. Sue: "You're a good teacher, Will. Now I don't like you so much, but I admire you and the work you're doing with your kids, I really do." And then she shakes his hand and wishes him good luck. Sue: "I relish the thought of another full year of constantly besting you." Will tells Sue that she's actually a really good person. She insists that he let go of her hand and stop being nice before she pukes in his mouth.
Music room. The kids are sitting there, unhappy, when Will tells them they have another year. They're thrilled. After a bit of cheering, Rachel wants to start rehearsing for year's Sectionals. Will tells them to relax and take the summer off, so he can cast some additional students. I mean, so they can honor the narrative fiction that the school year is over. And then he says that he wants to sing a song for them. He pulls out a ukulele, and Puck joins him on his guitar. And he sings the Israel Kamakawiwo'oleversion (a.k.a. Brudda Iz) version of "Over the Rainbow." While he sings, the kids snuggle up with each other and exchange friendly looks and affectionate touches. And we cut over to the hospital, where we see Shelby adopting baby Beth. And then back to bask in the sweetness of New Directions for the final verse, before the screen goes black.
Many thanks to the forum posters who helped me find little tidbits of information all season. Props to Demian, whose recaps keep me just as excited about the episodes I'm not recapping as the ones I am. And I'll see you all in the fall.
LTG is a full-time pension lawyer and a part-time ukulele tuner. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.
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