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So, Maharishi Figgins has decided that Tina's goth style indicates that she's at serious risk for an attack of spontaneous vampirism, so he insists that she abandon her look. And then Rachel learns that Vocal Adrenaline has purchased every fairy light and yard of red lace in the tri-county area. Which can only mean that they are planning a Lady Gaga number for Regionals (because unlike New Directions, they are actually planning their performance for Regionals instead of doing stupid weekly assignments). Will responds to both pieces of news by assigning the kids to explore their theatricality, by which he meant they should do a Lady Gaga number of their own. The girls plus Kurt all spend the episode in amazing Gagariffic costumes, and they perform a stunning "Bad Romance."
The boys (minus Kurt and Jesse, who is inexplicably missing this episode) don't want to perform Lady Gaga, partly because Finn is having a little homosexual panic, caused by the news that he and Carol are moving in with Burt and Kurt and that the two boys will be sharing a bedroom. He freaks out and uses the "F" word when confronted with Kurt's North African fantasia of a bedroom, causing Burt to freak out and tell Finn he can't live with him if he can't respect Kurt. In the end, Finn comes around and, in a fabulous red vinyl gown, defends Kurt from two bullies. But not before the boys (minus K and J) perform Kiss's "Shout It Out Loud." in fully theatrical makeup, of course.
Finally, while spying on a Vocal Adrenaline rehearsal, Rachel hears Shelby sing (because apparently Will is not the only show choir director who can't resist stealing the limelight) and realizes she's hearing the same voice she heard on that tape last episode. She immediately approaches Shelby and comes out to her. Unfortunately, instead of the joyous reunion they both wanted, meeting each other makes them both unbearably sad. So they decide to part (for now), but not before singing a fun but highly inappropriate "Poker Face."
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!So, the "Previously, on Glee" voice-over guy has decided to get funny by pretending to be kind of stupid. I should probably say something mean and snarky about that, but I kind of like it, because now I can pretend that we're hearing the inner monologue of one of the members of the Glee brain trust (also known as Finn, Will and Brittany).
Maharishi's office. It's very tense, as single-T Tina and Will sit across from Maharishi Figgins. Tina (looking goth-tastic in a black top, blood-red pendant necklace, and tiny top hat with a ribbon and some kind of silver medal on it) is worried that she's in trouble. Will reassures her that it must have something to do with her perfect attendance record. But the Maharishi tells us that she is, in fact, in trouble. He has learned that Tina is a goth, and he's concerned that she's coming down with a case of Twilight fever, one symptom of which is children being transformed into vampires. The Maharishi is very concerned, because just yesterday, "this dark specter reared its head at McKinley High."
Smear sideways to a group of McKinley High's vast array of social misfits. In this case, a group of young women who are all wearing black "Team Edward" t-shirts, black satin capes, vampire teeth, and realistic looking bite marks on their necks. The captain of Team Edward just happens to be Lauren, a.k.a., the wrestler from the Old Maids Club and the president of the A.V. Club. I think she's turning into this show's version of April Tuna. Lauren Tuna tells her coven that what they're about to do will surely get Robert Pattinson's attention -- and then they rush Jewfro, knocking him to the ground and biting various limbs.
Back in the Maharishi's Sanctum of Superstition, Will is cautiously trying to make sure that Figgins realizes that vampires aren't real. Figgins: "William, denial will not make this problem go away." Tina points out that her parents won't even let her watch the Twilight movies, because her mom "thinks Kristen Stewart seems like a bitch." Figgins doesn't care -- he's laying down the law, insisting that Tina find another style of dress. (I love the way Figgins calls her "Ms. Cohen-Chang." Partly because it shows genuine respect for students to address them in the same manner you want them to address you, and partly because his accent almost makes it sound like he's calling her "Ms. Corn Chip.") Will tries to explain the importance of not squelching teen self-expression, and admits to spending a year of high school dressing like Kurt Cobain. He asks whether Maharishi Figgins ever had a sartorial role model. Figgins: "Yes, for several years in my early twenties I dressed up as Elvis. But he was a Christian, Will, and he did not possess the ability to transform into a bat." No, just the ability to get really fat. Tina and Will are worried that Figgins actually believes in vampires. Anyway, the point of the discussion is that Figgins is convinced that a strict dress code will cut down on instances of gang violence and vampirism, so he'll suspend Tina if she makes another appearance in an all-black ensemble. Hey, here's a question -- this meeting had nothing to do with Glee Club or Spanish class. So why was Will there? Title card.
Finn's mother (Carol, if you forgot) leads Finn down the stairs into Kurt's basement bedroom. Finn's eyes are closed, and he asks if there's a car waiting for him at the bottom of the steps. Carol, with a touch of concern in her voice, reminds him that they're indoors. Finn opens his eyes to find Kurt, Burt, and a "Welcome Home" banner staring him in the face. It's a surprise party to tell him that he and his mother are moving in with Kurt and Burt. Has Carol hired Terri as her personal life coach? Because this is the kind of cracked-out idea that I would expect to spring from the mind of our favorite psychopath. Burt points out the advantage of living in the same house as the 55-inch television, and Carol notes that the house is twice as big as theirs, with two-and-a-half bathrooms. (But apparently only two bedrooms.) Finn doesn't care -- he thinks this is a crappy idea. But Burt and Carol are determined to live together in bliss. Finn is especially upset that he'll be sharing a room with Kurt. Burt tells him that he'll knock out a wall upstairs and build an addition so Finn can have his own room, but in the meantime he hands Finn $300 for redecorating purposes. Kurt grabs the money out of Finn's hands. "I am going to put together a palette that expresses who you are and who I want you to be. Who you want to be." No, this isn't creepy or awkward at all.
Glee Club. The other kids can't stop staring at Tina, who's wearing a plain grey sweatshirt. She complains about feeling like "an Asian Branch Davidian." Will wonders if Tina would consider some other look. The kids immediately throw out suggestions: biker chick, cowgirl, hood rat, computer programmer and Catholic schoolgirl. And, from Brit-Brit, the following ideas: cross-country skier, Happy Meal (no onions), "or a chicken." I hope when she dies she donates her brain to science. Because someone needs to figure out exactly what neural corkscrew shifted her to food and/or barnyard animals. Tina appreciates the ideas, but can't stand being denied the ability to express who she really is. And then Rachel bursts into the room -- she's been spying on Vocal Adrenaline (with a blasé insouciance as to whether that is or is not against the rules), and discovered eighteen empty boxes of Christmas lights in the dumpster behind Carmel High. And then she went to a fabric store and found out that they were sold out of red Chantilly lace. As she describes her findings, Tina, Mercedes and (of course) Kurt are the only ones who seem to appreciate the magnitude of the looming disaster. Because they all instantly realize that Christmas lights + red Chantilly lace = Lady Gaga. Puck: "What's up with this Gaga dude? He just dresses weird, right? Like Bowie?" Kurt, who has crossed the line from hysterical to some kind of spastic freakout seldom seen outside of a mental hospital (in other words, a normal day for Rachel), disabuses Puck of the notion that Lady Gaga is anything less than a woman and a full-on music and fashion genius. "And she changes her look faster than Brit changes sexual partners." Our little Brit-Brit can only admit the truthiness of what Kurt has said. Also, for those keeping score, Kurt has thrown out the word "theatrical" twice so far. The kids are all despondent, but Will thinks they can use this dilemma to solve two problems -- help Tina find a new look, and find a competitive number for Regionals. "This week, your assignment -- Gaga!" The girls and Kurt seem thrilled by the idea. Finn, not so much.
Vocal Adrenaline rehearsal. V.A. is actually rehearsing a number they plan to perform at Regionals. What kind of coach is Shelby Corcoran, anyway? How can the kids learn important life lessons if they're constantly preparing for Regionals instead of completing assignments she pulls out of her ass each week? It's like she doesn't know what Show Choir is even about. V.A. is rehearsing in costumes that kind of resemble this number, except with red lace bodysuits instead of a dress, and no visible underwear. Also, at this moment I have to give a huge shout-out to forum posters braggtastic and smrou and some guy named Demian for pointing me in the direction of pictures of many of these outfits. And an extra-large shout-out to poster EmmaFrost, whose single-minded dedication to tracking down pictures of every single look was awe-inspiring. And, to be honest, just a touch frightening. Anyway, without their help, all you'd get from me is "the clothes look weird, but purty." Shelby is counting the kids through their dance routine. And then in the upper balcony, Mercedes, Quinn and Rachel sneak in to spy on the rehearsal. Quinn's worried about going to jail for spying, but Rachel tells her that "stealing their ideas isn't a crime." No, just a serious ethical lapse. Just as Rachel tells the other two girls that V.A. looks amazing, Shelby cuts off the rehearsal to tell them how much they suck. They apparently fail to grasp the basic concept of theatricality. So she demonstrates to them that being theatrical isn't about wearing flashy costumes but is instead about baring deep your soul, and she does that by singing "Funny Girl." Rachel is in love with Shelby here, mostly because her coaching of V.A. is pretty much the kind of nagging that Rachel must deliver to New Directions in every single rehearsal. Also, the song is amazing. And it takes Rachel about two seconds to realize that she recognizes this voice. Almost in a trance, she gets up from her seat in the balcony and drifts down the stairs to the orchestra pit. And just as the song is finishing, she tells Shelby, "Ms. Corcoran? I'm Rachel Berry. I'm your daughter." Well, we know what all the gossip is going to be about at Carmel High tomorrow. Commercials.
Rachel and Shelby are sitting in a now-empty auditorium, having one of those long-lost mother/daughter chats that we've all had. They're sitting in the middle of the auditorium, and Shelby is one row behind and several seats over from Rachel. Key points of the conversation: Shelby has had regrets about giving up her daughter; she decided to contact Rachel after seeing her perform at Sectionals; the failure to achieve the stardom she dreamed of as a girl is like an open wound. At one point, Rachel notes that being a drama queen must be genetic, because "even the way we're sitting right now is so dramatic and yet we feel so comfortable with it." Shelby asks Rachel how she feels, and her response is "thirsty." By way of explanation, she tells Shelby (and us), "When I was little and I used to get sad, my dads would bring me a glass of water. It got so I couldn't tell if I was sad, or just thirsty." Two points here. First, I'm going to just assume that the glass of water was just a prelude to Rachel's dads talking with her about why she was sad, because otherwise they are turning out to be really crappy parents. Second, if Rachel ever visits the desert she is going to fall into a deep depression. Shelby has suddenly realized that it was perhaps a huge mistake to thrust herself into this young woman's life so abruptly. She apologizes for having contacted Rachel, because the meeting is not resulting in the warm and happy feelings she expected. Rachel would like to at least get dinner to get over the initial shock, but Shelby just apologizes and runs away. Man, nobody does wounded and vulnerable like Lea Michele.
Finn knocks on the door of Will's office and finds Will wearing his gayest reading glasses and totally geeking out over all the web learning he's been doing about Lady Gaga. But Finn is there to explain that he doesn't want to do Lady Gaga. His masculinity is feeling threatened, and he feels like the Glee Club is always doing just what the girls want to do. Will actually listens and tells him that he has a point. Fortunately, Finn already has thought of a solution. Is that solution to hire Shelby away from Carmel as Will's replacement? I guess we'll find out later, because the scene has ended.
Quinn's locker. She's pissed off by Puck's suggestion of a name for their female fetus. For some reason, Quinn doesn't think "Jack Daniels" is a feminine enough name, even if it is "rock star" as Puck suggests. She tells him the dispute over the name isn't the point -- she's giving up the baby precisely so she doesn't have to be a parent with Puck. I mean, I hope it's also so she can, you know, go to college and pursue her dreams, whatever they may be. She tells Puck to look at this as good news, as it leaves him free to go and be a rock star on his own.
And now we're at the point where Glee kids start walking the halls of McKinley High in Lady Gaga outfits. Tina is wearing this bubble dress, complete with white bob wig, while Kurt's silver lamé number is based on this number from the "Bad Romance" video (except that Kurt's wig is a little more Falco doing "Amadeus" than it is Lady Gaga). Tina is in love with her bubble dress, "because even though I'm painfully shy and obsessed with death, I'm a really effervescent person." And then a couple of meathead jocks shove Kurt and Tina against the lockers and walk away. Except that Kurt is no longer taking crap like that. He calls after them, "Excuse me, were you dropped on your heads?" Oh, but it's really just weird chivalry -- he tells them, "Pick on me, it's fine, but don't throw around a girl." Kurt, honey, you don't deserve abuse from these guys any more than Tina does. Also, the meatheads are jocks we've seen before -- one slushying Finn and Quinn and the other harassing Finn in the locker room. The meatheads have some kind of weird, twisted logic in which Kurt and Tina dressing in an unusual fashion is somehow justification for hitting them. Kurt's not backing down -- he defends his right to express himself. But one of the meatheads tells him, "Well, the time you want to express yourself and look like a circus freak, don't be shocked when my fist feels like expressing itself against your chin." Don't be sad, Brit-Brit, but I think we've now learned that you are not the dumbest kid in the school. But the threat of violence won't keep Kurt down -- as they walk away, he calls out to them, "Yeah, you don't want to be late for your appointment at Supercuts." One of the meatheads tells "Hummel" (and not "homo," which was what I thought I heard the first time I watched this) to watch his mouth, while the other one tells him, "You know what, Fancy? You don't need an appointment at Supercuts. They love walk-ins."
Finn is in the boys' room, drawing on his face with... some kind of makeup pencil. I'm afraid I'm not the kind of gay guy who knows what that's called. Anyway, he hears a toilet flush and realizes he's not alone. Alas, it's the two jock meatheads from earlier, who give him a hard time and accuse him of catching "the gay" from Kurt. They're getting kind of physical -- and not in any kind of sexy way. One of them yells at Finn, "How many times do we gotta go through this? You being a jock and being in this Glee Club does not make you versatile. It makes you bisexual." And then they threaten him with an ass-kicking and tell him he should be using the girls' room. Finn is quietly freaking out.
Carmel High auditorium. V.A. is just finishing rehearsing some part of their Lady Gaga number when Rachel enters the auditorium. She's wearing a huge shawl. Shelby tells the kids to take five: "Ladies, I don't want to hear about chafing just because you're being forced to wear metal underwear. Not my problem." Rachel walks over to Shelby and calls her "mom." Shelby sighs and tells her she has got to stop spying on the V.A. rehearsals. But Rachel is actually there for some help -- she opens her shawl to reveal her atrocious attempt at Lady Gaga. Rachel explains that she really needs a mom (because, of course, gay men can't sew but all women can). Shelby looks thoughtful, but doesn't say no.
And then we cut to Rachel entering the McKinley auditorium wearing this. And it looks great, but it loses some points for lack of insanity, since it could double as a smart cocktail dress. The girls (and Kurt) are all wearing their Gaga looks, still or again or whatever. And then Will introduces the boys (minus Kurt, and also Jesse, who neither appears nor is mentioned in this episode). And the boys are singing an excellent cover of "Shout It Out Loud," by that very theatrical rock band KISS, complete with makeup and outer-space gladiator costumes. Solos come from Finn, Puck and Artie, with Mike and Matt providing some nice backing vocals as well as rocking out the dancing. The girls (plus Kurt) get into it in the audience. Will tells them it was great and asks what the costumes represent. And then, it's a day that will live in history as Mike Chang gets his first line in the back nine. It's just "We did our research, Mr. Schue." But still, that's something. And then, even more remarkably, Matt Rutherford gets a line -- "And I'm dressed as the guy that replaced Artie when he quit." Remember this day, kids -- someday you'll tell your grandchildren about it.
Kurt and Tina walk down some stairs, critiquing the boys' performance. Tina's big problem was that "Finn kept sticking his tongue out and I couldn't stop picturing him licking stuff. It was disturbing." And then they turn a corner and are brought up short, because they're face to face with the meatheads, who tell them that "Gaga has got to go" as they back our shiny pair up against a wall.
Cut to the Hummel basement bedroom, which Kurt and Finn are apparently already sharing, because Finn is sitting in front of Kurt's vanity (by which I mean the piece of furniture and not the overwhelming ego), taking off his Kiss makeup. Kurt is re-Bedazzling his Gaga shoe and asking Finn if he could please ask his jock friends to try to harass him without damaging his costumes in the future. Finn tells him that he has no pull with those guys, because they already think Kurt and Finn are dating. Kurt calls them Neanderthals and predicts -- with some likelihood of success, I think -- that the meatheads will be cleaning his septic tank in three years. But Finn thinks Kurt is living in a fantasy land: "We live in Ohio, not New York or San Francisco or some other city where people eat vegetables that aren't fried." Wait, hold up -- vegetables that aren't fried? I don't believe such things exist. Unless maybe he's talking about vegetables in a cheese sauce. That must be it. Finn's point is that he can't understand why Kurt has to make such a spectacle of himself: "Why can't you work harder at blending in?" Kurt: "I'm sure that would be easier for you." Finn: "You know, it would." He keeps wiping off makeup. Kurt notices that he's just using a tissue and walks up to show him how to do it properly with a moist towelette. I guess cold cream is passé. But Finn freaks out as Kurt's hand comes near his face. So Finn leaves to finish his makeup removal in the laundry room. Why not one of the two-and-a-half bathrooms? Commercials.
Will's office. He has apparently called Shelby and asked to meet her. She tells him that her reconnection with Rachel is not some kind of plot to destroy New Directions by distracting their star singer before Regionals. Eh, I still think it might be. Will tells her that he's not worried about Regionals. Which is pretty obvious, since we haven't heard one word about preparing for Regionals so far this spring. What Will is concerned about is Rachel. He thinks she's very vulnerable, and he's worried that Shelby is not as committed as Rachel is to this reunion. He asks her if she's really ready to have a teenage daughter. She tells him that she can't have any more kids, and she really wanted a daughter. But now that she's met Rachel, she realizes that she was really looking for a baby girl, not an almost-adult. Will tells her that she should really tell that to Rachel.
Kurt leads Finn into the basement, telling him that he had to skip school to finish redecorating, but he thinks Finn will really like it. Kurt is wearing a very smart waistcoat, complete with bowtie and pocket watch. He turns on the lights to reveal a completely overdone North African boudoir, which he says was inspired by Marlene Dietrich and Gary Cooper in Morocco. He thinks that it's the perfect blend of the masculine and feminine. And this room is about as masculine as Marlene Dietrich in the tuxedo she wore in Morocco. Which is to say, not at all. It's all flowing fabrics and soft lighting and nothing that looks like an actual bed. Although I am impressed if Kurt really did all this with the $300 he got from Burt. Finn asks Kurt, "Are you freaking insane? I can't live here, I'm a dude." Finn points out a folding screen and asks what it is, and Kurt tells him that it's a privacy partition. Kurt, whose newfound spine I am really enjoying, wants to know why Finn is getting so angry. Finn tells Kurt that he wants walls, not flimsy carved screens -- he doesn't want to get dressed in front of Kurt. "I don't want to worry about that stuff in my own room." Kurt asks him, "And what 'stuff' are you referring to?" Finn tells him not to play coy -- he's aware of all the longing glances full of desire that he's shot in Finn's direction. "Why can't you just accept that I'm not like you?" Kurt: "I have accepted that." Finn doesn't believe him. Finn tells Kurt that he knows exactly why Kurt was so excited at the idea of them sharing a room. Kurt, screaming: "It's just a room, Finn! We can redecorate if you want to!" And then Finn starts insisting that they get rid of the "faggy lamp" and the "faggy couch covering." And then Burt bursts into the room: "Hey! What did you just call him?" Finn claims he was talking to the blanket, and then Burt dresses him down on the use of that word. And part of this speech is Burt feeling shame for all the times he used that word in the past, and part of it is anger that Finn is destroying his fantasy that his son could be perfectly safe in the world today. And he tells Finn that he can't live in their house if he thinks Kurt won't be safe around him. Even if that means he has to give up his relationship with Carol. By the end of the speech, Finn is ashamed and silent and just leaves, and Kurt is in tears. Burt leaves the room, but not before telling Kurt, "The place looks great." Aw, Burt, you're such a liar. But I love you for it. Commercials.
Okay, I don't normally get all involved in the disputes people have on the forums about who's at fault and who's completely in the right. Because people are entitled to their opinions. And also, I find most of that discussion to be motivated by this weird over-identification with fictional characters. But I have to give my spin on that scene. Both of these guys are kids, which means they're stupid and half the time they're not even aware why they're making the decisions they make. I absolutely believe Kurt when he says that, on a conscious level, he has accepted that he will never be in a relationship with Finn. But that kind of conscious acceptance isn't going to change how he feels. And it's pretty clear that it hasn't changed how he looks at Finn. Except that I'm willing to bet that he has absolutely no idea that he's giving Finn those longing looks. Which is why he was so angry and defensive in this scene -- because, having been called out on his behavior, he has to own up to the fact that he's been behaving badly, which undoubtedly makes him feel ashamed at his own lack of control. But I also don't think that Kurt not being aware of how he was treating Finn means that Finn can't feel uncomfortable over it. It's awkward and weird and embarrassing when someone looks at you like that. If Finn wasn't being called "gay" by the meatheads, and if he hadn't been yanked out of his own home against his will, he'd probably be able to deal with Kurt's unconscious come-ons a lot more rationally. But he was dealing with those other things, and he's a teenage boy. So he freaked out and said some stupid things. In short, neither of these kids is a villain, and neither is a hero. Burt, however, it my hero, for absolutely getting it about the use of the words "fag" and "gay" as an insult, and also for letting Kurt know that no matter what, he comes first. Okay, that's the end of my little Jacobean side trip.
Music room. Once again, the kids are wearing their Gaga outfits. Pardon me for saying this, but it must be getting pretty rank in that room. Because as fabulous as those costumes look, that shiny fabric does not breathe well. Tina tells Kurt that her balls keep falling off. Kurt knows the feeling. Finn tries to whisper to Kurt that he wants to talk, but Kurt's not really up for listening to him. And then, as per usual, one of the kids hijacks rehearsal to make a personal statement to some other kid. In this case, it's Puck, who has a song he wants to sing to Quinn. And that song is "Beth," also by Kiss, which he sings with the assistance of the other boys (minus Kurt). But first, Puck tells everyone that he gets now that it doesn't matter to a kid whether that kid's father is a badass -- it just matters whether he's there. And he realizes that Jack Daniels is a rotten name for a baby girl. Which is why he's proposing that they name the baby Beth, even if they are giving her up for adoption. Also, Finn sings a verse of the song to Kurt -- the one about their house not being a home. Finally, Will acts like a total douche, swaying back and forth with his eyes closed and pretending to conduct a band. At the end of the song, Quinn agrees that Puck can be there when the baby is born. Commercials. And yes, that means there was a commercial break and then one scene followed by another commercial break.
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LTG is a full-time pension lawyer and a part-time rock lobster. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.