Hell To The Gro!

S01E14

It's back, babies. And better than ever. So let's break it down. First, the Glee kids are certain that their victory at Sectionals will lead to newfound popularity. But they just get more slushie facials. And then Will reminds them that they'll have to face Vocal Adrenaline at Regionals -- and if they don't place, Glee is over. So he thinks they need a new beginning, which leads to lots of songs with the word "hello" in the title. It all makes sense in Will's squishy brain.

And then there's all the relationship drama. Rachel is now dating Finn, but he's still kind of hung up on Quinn. Sue decides to take advantage of Rachel's fragile ego by getting Santana and Britt-Britt to steal Finn away from Rachel, with the hope that this will lead to her humiliation and resignation from New Directions. But Santana and Brittney's sapphic machinations aren't really necessary, because Rachel meets Jesse St. James (played by the delightful Jonathan Groff), the star of Vocal Adrenaline. It's a match made in pushy, neurotic heaven. So Finn and Rachel are over, for now. Of course, nothing's ever easy for Rachel -- the other members of the Glee Club are concerned that Jesse's interest in her is actually some plot to undermine New Directions, so they demand that she dump him or quit the club. She's certainly not going to break up with the delightful Jonathan Groff, but she does make him agree to keep their relationship secret so she can stay in Glee.

Let's not ignore the adult relationship drama. Will and Emma are tentatively exploring their new kissy status. But there are complications. First, Emma's a virgin, which kind of slows things down. And then Terri confronts Emma and clues her in on the fact that the song Will picked as their song was the song at Terri and Will's prom. Which makes Emma realize that Will has spent his entire adult life in a relationship. She decides that he needs some time to figure out what it means to be alone before she jumps into a relationship with him. Of course, this doesn't mean Will is completely without prospects, because he meets the director of Vocal Adrenaline (played by the formidable Idina Menzel) and they almost immediately start making out.

(Did you like how I glossed over the fact that Sue is back? It turns out she slipped Figgins a roofie, put him a compromising position, took a picture, and blackmailed him into giving her back her job. I missed you, Sue Sylvester.)

The opening bars of "Don't Rain on My Parade" play as Rachel struts down the school hallway, a big smile on her face, and a song in her heart. She's greeted by Mercedes (who calls her "babe" and tells her how good she looks) and then by Kurt, and they all walk down the hallway together. They're all smiling like fools. Mercedes thinks that ever since they won Sectionals, the whole school looks at them differently. Jew-fro trails behind them and says, "I want to be with you, Rachel." Which is pretty much how he's always looked at her. Rachel tells them that they're stars, just like the jocks. "It's the dawn of a new era here at McKinley, and we are gonna rule this school!" Cue a triple slushie attack. Wow, they really increased the corn syrup and cut back on the ice in the slushie formula. If these kids aren't careful, they'll all become diabetics. The chief slushie thrower is the hockey jock who once threw a slushie in Finn's face.

Principal's office. Will is gobsmacked -- since the Glee Club won Sectionals, he can't believe Figgins is telling him that if Glee Club doesn't place at Regionals, the club will be shut down. Since Will was the one who originally made that deal with Figgins in the pilot, I don't see why he's so surprised. I mean, other than the fact that he's rather dim. Figgins, always about the bottom line, tells him, "Those spotlights in the auditorium don't run on dreams. Our electricity consumption is up two percent." Also, now that it's getting cold out, the Cheerios can't practice outside and need the auditorium. Will: "But the Cheerios don't even have a coach." Sue: "Oh yes they do." DUN! She walks in (green tracksuit with orange stripes) holding two cups of coffee. "Hey buddy. Get a haircut? Looks awful." Will asks Sue what she's doing there. Sue: "Just dropping off a mocha for my maharishi. I took the liberty of making it a double whip. Because after our conciliatory dinner, I happen to know that there is nothing you won't eat whip cream off of." And then she blow in her maharishi's ear. Eeeeeewww. And also, hee. But mostly ew. Sue: "I would have gotten you one Will, but I don't like you." Sue leaves and Will asks Figgins how Sue got her job back after being suspended. Figgins, with his keen grasp of things like logic and the English language, reminds Will, "The point of suspension is reinstatement."

Cut to a basketball game between McKinley and some no-name school. The bleachers are full of cheering fans. Finn is on the team, playing about as well as you would imagine after seeing him dance, all while giving us some voice-over narration. "In some ways, I'm happy football season's over. I did set the single-season record for being sacked, but we only won one game. So, I'm hoping basketball can be a fresh start." As he's slowly dribbling down the court, he exchanges a look with an exasperated Puck and then sees Rachel, cheering like a maniac and wearing a "Team Finn" t-shirt. And then an opposing player steals the ball away from him. The V.O. tells us that Finn is actually kind of depressed.

Finn's locker. Rachel walks up and tells him that she dumped Jesse, and that she'll trust to his big mouth to spread the word to the rest of the Glee Club. Finn tells her that he's sorry for her, but also happy, because he really wants to be with her. "Look, I even circled some dates on your crazy calendar." But she tells him that she has to turn him down so as to avoid any team drama, so they can focus on Regionals. He tells her he doesn't plan to give up that easily.

Rehearsal. They're singing the Beatles "Hello, Goodbye," with full costume and choreography. Throughout the song, Finn is giving Rachel all kinds of romantic looks, and Rachel is looking more and more upset. And as the song finishes, she runs off the stage. She is as much of a drama queen as Jesse St. James.

LTG is a full-time pension lawyer and a part-time polo team tack boy. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.

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Cut to the hallway, where a mopey Finn is accosted by Rachel, who has made his and her relationship calendars for the two of them. The front page of the calendar seems to feature a photo of two kittens with Finn and Rachel's faces photoshopped onto them. Rachel tells Finn that the purpose of the calendars is to ensure that they always know what the other one is up to, so he can't claim to have forgotten their dates when he stands her up. Rachel has taken the liberty of filling in all their dates for the month, including an outing to see Phantom at the Autistic Children's Center. Finn's V.O. continues while Rachel blathers on, telling us that while he should be happy that chicks dig him, he's actually not over Quinn (who is conveniently leaning against a wall and staring sadly at him). We catch a snippet of Quinn's conversation with Puck (who is standing in front of her). He tells her, "I'm not breaking up with you, I'm just saying please stop super-sizing, 'cause I don't dig on fat chicks." Quinn: "I'm pregnant!" Puck: "And that's my fault?" Finn's V.O. tells us, about Rachel, "Now that we're sort of dating, I feel like it's so much harder to pretend to be listening to her."

Back on the basketball court, Finn's V.O. tells us, "Sometimes I wish I could be more like Coach Tanaka. He pulled a Jessica Simpson. You know, lost his fiancée, gained forty pounds, and stopped showering. And everyone acts like it's totally normal." And his shorts are kind of like Daisy Dukes, too. We see Ken, sitting on the sidelines and stuffing his face with the world's fattest sandwich. And then Finn tries to make a shot at the basket and gets viciously slapped down by an opposing player. For some reason, the home crowd cheers this. It's either bad editing, or Lima is full of idiots. You be the judge. Rachel (who is the only person standing in the bleachers) bends down to the person to her, points at Finn, and says, "That's my boyfriend." Title card.

A greasy-looking teen is leaning his head back with a look of terror on his face. That's because Sue Sylvester is standing behind him, pulling on his ponytail and chopping it off with a pair of scissors. Sue: "There. You no longer confuse me with your she-male looks. I'm going to donate this to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. They can use it to plug the holes in their trailers." And then she absent-mindedly hands the ponytail remnant to a passing Cheerio. Will walks up to her and asks her to please tell him how she got reinstated. It's probably good for him to know, since his stupidity will undoubtedly lead to his getting fired one day. Sue tells him that as she stewed in her condo in Boca, she realized that she had truly behaved poorly, so she arranged a dinner with Figgins to explain how sorry she was. Flash to the dinner. Figgins tells Sue there's no way she's coming back to McKinley. She distracts him and drops a pill into his glass of wine. Back in the hallway, Sue tells Will, "We had a very frank and healing discussion. And you know what, Will? It was like he was seeing me and my moral integrity for the very first time." Cut to Figgins, asleep in a bed. Aaaaaugh! There's a beaver in the bed with him! Oh, wait, my bad, that's just his chest hair. Aaaaaaugh! Figgins opens his eyes and turns and sees Sue laying to him (with a blanket pulled up to her neck) staring at him. He's startled, but she just tells him, "So here's what's going to happen. As of right now, I am reinstated. Or, I will tell you wife and the entire congregation of the Cornerstone Bibleway Church of our sexual congress. It's your choice. And then she pulls back the blanket to reveal her tracksuit (maroon, white stripes) and takes a picture of her head near his carpeted chest and face. Back in the present, Will suggests they bury the hatchet. Sue: "I won't be burying any hatchets, Will, unless I get a clear shot to your groin." She tells him that she will not rest until he is fired and Glee Club is destroyed. Will: "Bring it." Sue: "Oh, I will bring it, William. You know what else I'm gonna bring? I'm gonna bring some Asian cookery to rub your head with, 'cause right now you've got enough product in your hair to season a wok."

Music room. Will draws a stick man saying "hello" on the white board. He asks the kids what they say when they answer the phone. Mercedes: "What up?" Matt: "Who dis be?" Kurt: "No, she's dead, this is her son." (Hey, Matt got a line!) Will tells the kids that Alexander Graham Bell, inventor of the telephone, thought the best way to answer it was "Ahoy hoy." (And you thought Monty Burns was crazy.) It was Edison who forced "Hello" down our throats. The point of Will's rambling is that the kids need to raise their game for Regionals, which means they need to start from scratch and reintroduce themselves to the world. Which he wants them to do by each coming up with a song with "hello" in the title. Nobody looks very excited.

But speaking of excitement, Will is now in Emma's office, sitting across the desk from her. The tension, she is thick. But not so thick that I don't notice that they've softened Emma's hair up a bit. I liked it before as part of her overall look, but the soft waves certainly frame her face beautifully. Will tells her that unlike all the other times he's sat across from her at her desk, he can lean over and kiss her if he wants to. You know, except for the fact that they're at school. In a glass-enclosed office. With kids walking by. Other than that, there's no reason they shouldn't make out. Will does want to kiss her, and he starts to lean over, but she freaks out -- she has to get ready. She grabs an aluminum attaché case, except that one side is clear plastic, and nestled in a piece of black foam are a complete set of dental hygiene products. I can identify mouthwash, toothpaste, toothbrush, dental floss, and a tongue scraper, plus two or three products that are a complete mystery to me. Guys, you know what this means? Emma made this case herself. She found a clear-sided aluminum attaché case, cut the piece of foam to fit, and then lovingly carved out a niche in the foam for each of her oral hygiene products. It's like there's a three-way competition on this show between Emma, Sue, and Terri as to which is the most genuinely insane. Also, if the producers are really going to whore the show out with a clothing line, I think they should just go all the way and introduce an Emma Pillsbury line of hygiene products.

Anyway, back to the scene. Will intercepts Emma on her way out of the office and tells her that he doesn't care that it's been more than 20 minutes since she last brushed and rinsed with bleach. After all, they've kissed before. Emma: "Yeah, but you caught me by a surprise sneak attack that time. It was like a pearly white harbor." She thinks her germaphobia is a very unattractive quality. Will rightly tells her that she's adorable, and then tells her that she's right -- they should clean up before things go further. But he means emotionally, not physically -- he thinks they should go on a date and get to know each other as people who aren't tied down in other relationships. He offers to cook dinner at his place. She didn't know he could cook. He tells her there are so many things she doesn't know about him, and that he can't wait to introduce them to her. To say "hello," as it were. Perhaps with an enormous bat that he'll hit her over the head with, just like the writers are doing with the episode theme.

Sue's office. Brittney and Santana are standing downcast in front of Sue, who is on her elliptical. Sue: "You two should be wetting yourselves with shame. Glee Club won sectionals and you did nothing to stop it." She gets off the elliptical and walks around them, telling them that if they were samurai, she would demand they kill themselves. Brit-Brit, with a sideways glance at Santana, tells her, "We were seduced by the glitz and glamour of showbiz." I bet she understood maybe four words in that sentence. Sue walks behind them and starts doing some curls with her little weights. She tells them that ever since Quinn got knocked up, Sue's been looking for a new head cheerleader. "If you want the job, and back in my good graces, you're gonna have to turn around and listen up. You're familiar with a little Glee Clubber named Rachel Berry? Rachel's the kind of girl who wants things too badly. Now what she really wants is one Finn Hudson." Sue wants Brit and Santana to go after Finn, on the theory what Rachel won't be able to stand it and the shame will cause her to quit Glee Club.

And now it's the cheesiest song intro ever. Will walks Finn into the auditorium and tells him that to get over all the baby drama (you know, where he thought he had one and found out he didn't), he needs to find his inner rock star. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. At all. It's just an excuse to get Finn on the stage to sing "Hello, I Love You," by the Doors. And that he does. After the first chorus, the song moves from the stage to the hallway, where Finn sings it at Quinn's back as she walks down the hallway. And then the basketball court, where he makes eyes at all the cheerleaders and scores a basket. And then back to the hallway, where the Cheerios dance backup. And then to the music room, where all the girls are looking quite intrigued. And Kurt is looking like he needs the mailman. Cory Monteith did a great job with that song. The song finishes, and Rachel runs after Will to run some of her ideas by him. Brit and Santana decide that this is the time to make their move. They link pinkies and trail after Finn. Brittney: "You're a really good dancer." Finn: "Thanks, but my feet weren't really moving." Brit: "That was the best part." Santana tells Finn that they were wondering if he wanted to go out. He's confused, and wonders which one of them he would go on the date with. In unison: "With both of us." This little tableau has not escaped Quinn's notice. Commercials.

Hallway. Still with linked pinkies, Santana and Brit walk up to Finn and tell hims that their date is on for 8:00 at Breadsticks. Finn, who is clearly happy, can barely mutter a "cool" before they walk away, giggling. Rachel walks up to Finn and asks what they wanted. He tells her, unconvincingly, that they only wanted the time. He walks away, and Rachel trails after him. She tells him that she knows it's not easy being her boyfriend, since she's not popular and is super crazy and neurotic, but that she'll always be honest with him and that she only wants him to be honest with her. So he tells her, quite honestly, "I don't think I want to be your boyfriend." She's stunned. He tells her he needs to connect with his inner rockstar before settling down, that he needs to find out who he is. Rachel: "I'll tell you who you are. You're a scared little boy. You're afraid of dating me because you think it might hurt your reputation, which, though you'd never admit it, is very important to you. You hate what Quinn did to you, not just because it hurt but because it was so humiliating." Finn: "You're freaking me out. It's like you're inside my head right now." And what an echoey place it is. Rachel, on the verge of tears, tells Finn that she's the only person who knows him and accepts him for who he is. And then she walks away.

Glee Club rehearsal. Finn is sitting with Santana and Brittney, telling them that Hawaiian pizza is obviously the best because it has both ham and pineapple on it. They are in total agreement. Will enters and asks for a volunteer to sing the "hello" song. Rachel's hand shoots up. She then sings The All-American Rejects' "Gives You Hell," clearly directing the song at Finn. Although Santana gives her the stink-eye at first, it isn't long before the entire group (except Finn) joins in singing and dancing. Will is not impressed -- even he knows that "hell" is not "hello." He reminds them that they have to face Vocal Adrenaline, which hasn't lost a competition in three years, at Regionals, and that if they don't place, the club is history.

We're in some kind of library or music store, with Rachel. She's perusing "hello" songs when a cute guy with longer tussled hair walks up to her and starts talking. She instantly recognizes him as Jesse St. James, star of Vocal Adrenaline. And he knows that she's Rachel Berry, since he saw her at Sectionals. "You're rendition of 'Don't Rain On My Parade' was flawed. You totally lacked Barbra's emotional depth. But you're talented." So this is the way to get to Rachel's heart -- insult her and then compliment her. She's clearly smitten. As am I. Jonathan Groff (who is playing Jesse St. James) is playing this with just the right mix of smarm and charm. Not to mention hair to die for. He tells her that he loves to come to wherever they are and flip through celebrity biographies for lifestyle tips. "I'm a senior now, so this year is kind of my victory lap. Snagging a fourth consecutive national championship would just be gravy. I'm getting out of Ohio soon. I've got a full ride to a little school called the University of California - Los Angeles. Maybe you've heard of it? It's in Los Angeles." Hee. He has rendered Rachel speechless. Let's keep this guy around. He suggests they hop on the convenient piano and sing the Lionel Richie song she was looking at. She'd rather not because she's a little nervous. Jesse: "I remember when I used to get nervous. Come on, I do it all the time. I like to give impromptu concerts for the homeless. It's so important to give back." Ah, so this is the library. He starts singing "Hello," and it's pretty hot. Rachel joins in with him after a bit, and slowly grows bold enough to sit to him at the piano. Also, there's a trio accompanying them on strings and percussion. Just because. The patrons in the library/store/concert hall applaud, and then Jesse tells her, "We should do this more often. How's Friday night?" Commercials.

Breadsticks, which appears to be some kind of chain restaurant filling the niche between Denny's and the Olive Garden. Santana and Brit are sitting on one side of the table, scarfing down pasta. Santana calls over to the waitress and tells her, "We'd like to send these back." The waitress notes that they've eaten almost all of the food. Santana: "Look, I'm pretty sure you have to do what we say. And this food? Was not satisfactory." Brit: "There was a mouse in mine." Santana: "So we'd like more please." As the waitress walks away (with their plates), Santana turns to Brit and tells her, "Okay, hottest guys in the school, go." Brit starts with Puck (because she's stupid, not blind). Brit adds that Finn is cute, but Santana thinks he's not hot. Brit agrees. Santana: "And you know what, Brit? I think that dwarf girlfriend of his is dragging down his rep. I mean, if he were dating, say, popular pretty girls like us, he would go from dumpy to smoking," Finn calls out to them from the other side of the table to remind them that he's right there. He asks if he could please be included in the conversation. Santana tells them that the usual procedure for a date with the two of them is that the boy buys them dinner and then Brit and Santana make out in front of him. Santana: "It's like the best deal ever." The distracted look on Finn's face makes me think he agrees. The two girls are back to having their own conversation. Santana criticizes Rachel's look that day as "like Pippi Longstocking, but, like, Israeli." Finn tells them that they shouldn't make fun of Rachel: "She's kind of cool." Brit, totally serious: "Finn, that's mean." Santana can't take one more minute of this "be nice to Rachel" attitude, and asks Finn to wait in the car (but to leave his credit card). Finn leaves. Brit, to Santana: "Did you know dolphins are just gay sharks?" And scallops are just gay clams. (Look, it was either that or a blowhole joke. And my niece might be reading, so I'm trying to keep it clean.)

Will's House of Love. It's date night, and he's dancing with Emma to Neil Diamond's "Hello Again." (And how did I not know that there was a 1952 remake of The Jazz Singer starring Danny Thomas? I feel so culturally illiterate.) Will starts to sing along, and then tells Emma that this is the perfect song for the two of them, since it's about a guy who decides to get romantic with someone who had been a friend. Will tells her that he's always had a soft spot for the song. And then Emma kisses him. Mmmm, bleachy. He throws her down on the sofa and they start to make out. But all of a sudden Emma freaks out -- it's too much, too fast. Will reassures her that her mouth is completely immaculate. But the real problem is that it's been a very long time since Emma has had sex. Since, say, forever. Because she's a virgin. She's embarrassed, but Will tells her it's really fine. He says they can just watch movie. Emma would really rather not watch Armageddon again, but Will tells her that Armageddon and Bad Boys are the only two DVDs Terri left behind from her vast Bruckheimer collection.

By LTG

Cut to the two of them making out on Will's sofa. And yes, it does look a lot like Will is making out with a grown-up Rachel. Which is either gross or hot, depending on how disgusting a human being you are. As she starts to pull Will's shirt off, he comes to his senses and tells her to stop. She apologizes for being "all business," but he tells her that's not the problem. She asks him if he's gay. He's shocked that anyone might ever think that about him. But she explains, "Most of the show choir directors I make out with are gay." Cut to Will making her some tea or coffee. She complains that all she ever thinks about is Vocal Adrenaline, and she hasn't had a date in three years. But she did notice Will at VA's Fall Invitational, because she thought he was kind of cute. Will sympathizes with the whole "spend all your time working" thing, since he thinks it played a big part in ending his marriage. Not to mention the whole "my wife lied to me about being pregnant" thing. Idina asks him how long he's been divorced, and he has to cop to the fact that he's actually only separated, and has only been separated for a few weeks. And also has to confess that he's started dating someone but it's not working out. Idina: "Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're already dating someone else and you were just making out with me?" She tells him she doesn't want to tell him how to live his life, but he practically begs her to do just that. She tells him she thinks he needs "to take some time to reintroduce yourself to yourself." What's that? Is that a theme I hear, bearing down on me with all the might and fury of a locomotive? She picks up her purse and tells him he's about the cutest thing she's ever seen. Has she ever seen kittens with the faces of Rachel and Finn? Because that's pretty cute. She gives him her number and tells him to give her a call if he ever straightens out his life.

Rachel enters the music room to find the original Gleeks (Tina, Artie, Kurt, and Mercedes) waiting for her. They're there to stage an intervention -- they all think there's a good chance that Jesse is just dating Rachel to spy on New Directions. Kurt tells her that VA's motto roughly translates to "murder or be murdered." Tina says they dope their dancers. Mercedes: "Look, we're not saying that he's playing you." Kurt: "He's playing you." But they're concerned that there's a chance that he's playing Rachel, and they want her to stay away from him until Regionals are over. Ultimately, it comes down to an ultimatum. If Rachel doesn't break up with him, they'll all quit Glee Club, thereby making it impossible for them to compete in Regionals. Commercials.

Rachel enters Sue's office, having been summoned there. Sue tells her she wanted to invite her to join McKinley High's Old Maids Club. Sitting in a circle in Sue's office are half a dozen unattractive girls. (And by "unattractive" I mean overweight, wearing glasses, or with unfashionable hair and/or clothes. In other words, TV unattractive.) Rachel's confused. Sue tells her, "It's come to my attention that you've been given the old heave-ho by that terribly uncoordinated Finn Hudson. And I also understand that you have a serious suitor in the form of a piping hot hunkwad from another district, but that your fellow Glee Clubbers are so incensed with betrayal, they barely have time to apply Freeze Off to the clusters of warts between their knuckles." Rachel asks how Sue knows that.

Flash to Santana and Brit trailing along behind Sue as she stalks the hallway. They've told everyone in Glee about Jesse, and think the club will self-destruct if Rachel doesn't dump him. Sue: "Outstanding. On to step 2 -- round up a bunch of mustache-sporting teenage girls with glandular conditions. Anything else?" Brit-Brit: "Sometimes I forget my middle name."

Back in Sue's Land of Misogyny, the largest girl is telling Rachel about how she chose the wrestling team instead of pursuing love with a wrestler from a different team, and how she's regretted it ever since. "Now, I spend my Friday nights making out with my cat and watching Ghost Whisperer." Eeeww, Ghost Whisperer. Sue: "Rachel, if I weren't ignoring what these ladies are saying out of an overwhelming sense of deep repulsion, I would probably be hearing them encouraging you to go for it with your Carmel High beau." She points out another girl as an example of the misery of being alone, with no homecoming, Valentine's Day, or sock hop. Sue: "Rachel, you need to become even more narcissistic and self-centered than you already are. Think of yourself, of your potential happiness. If not, join the club." Exactly how did Sue get these young women into this room? Did she slip all of them roofies and then take fake adultery pictures?

We get some quick shots of two beautifully manicured hands setting a table and laying out what looks like a lovely dinner. It's Emma (although I sincerely doubt she would ever put a garnish on a plate with an ungloved hand), setting the table at Will's house. We hear a door open and close. And then we hear Terri's voice: "Beautiful table. Meticulous, really. I guess being crazy has its benefits." And what are the benefits of your psychosis, Terri? Emma takes a second and then tells Terri that it's date night. Actually, date night is tomorrow night, but Will wanted to change nights, so Emma is surprising him with dinner. They bicker a bit, and Emma tells Terri that she's happy to see that Will gets a second chance at happiness. Terri: "Oh, and you're the one to introduce him to this magical new world of bliss. What, you with your three-times-a-day showers and the fact that you can't sleep unless your shoes are all in a row?" Emma asks why Terri is there -- it's to pick up her remaining Bruckheimers. But when she goes to get the DVDs, she sees that Emma has brought over a copy of The Jazz Singer (the soundtrack of which featured "Hello Again," for you philistines). Emma tells Terri that she's sick of Con Air, and that Will picked "Hello Again" (which she mistakenly calls "Hello") as their song. Terri tells Emma not to bother sleeping with Will, since she's already screwed -- it seems that "Hello Again" was Terri and Will's prom song. In the early '90s. Proving once and for all that this is the most deeply uncool high school in the entire universe. Terri leaves, but not before knocking one of Emma's carefully aligned teaspoons out of place on the table.

Rachel is on Vocal Adrenaline's stage, calling out for Jesse. A very bright spot light comes on, blinding her. She calls out to see who's there, and reminds the world that she carries a rape whistle. But it's just Jesse. He walks out on stage and tells her, "Most spots are 2,500 watts. This one is ten times brighter. We have to wear sunscreen on stage, but it's worth it." Rachel tells him, "I have to ask you something, and I need you to tell me the truth. Because if you don't, there will be consequences. Life and death consequences. Because if I give myself to you, and it turns out that you're just playing me, I might die. Not literally, but emotionally. It'll be the kind of heartbreak that girls like me hold for the rest of their lives. Like Barbra in The Way We Were." Jesse laughs and pulls Rachel into his arms. "You're more of a drama queen than I am." Which is really, really hard. And then Jesse stands back and slaps the shit out of her. Not literally, but metaphorically. With the theme. He holds up his hand and introduces himself, saying that she's already met the star of Vocal Adrenaline and now he wants her to meet just him, the really pretentious dude. Or, in his words, "the guy who's nuts about you. The guy who would never hurt you." They embrace, and Rachel tells them that nobody can know they're dating. They kiss, and over Rachel's shoulder, Jesse exchanges a look with Idina. A look that is fraught with meaning that I think we will only discover in a future episode. Commercials.

Emma enters her office to find Will waiting there. He's there because she laid out that beautiful dinner last night but didn't wait around for him to get home. Emma doesn't explain. Instead she tells him she was in the library, and she hands him the 'Clap from 1993, telling him to turn to page 22. There he sees the summary of that year's prom, including the fact that the song was "Hello Again." She tells him that Terri told her about the song, which is why she left his apartment the night. He claims not to have any feelings about the night of his prom, or even to remember that "Hello Again" was the prom song. Emma believes that may be true consciously, but that his unconscious is still holding on to things. Emma: "We were naive. I think sometimes we spend so much time with these kids that we start acting like them." She points out that he's been in one relationship his entire life, and that picking the prom song as "their" song is just a sign that he may be repeating the same pattern all over again. "How is compromising yourself for my crazy any different than you doing it for hers?" To be fair, Emma, your crazy has never made me suspect you were capable of being a homicidal maniac. Which is not something I can say about Terri. She tells him that he needs to spend some time alone, so he can figure out what is own needs are. Meanwhile, she'll work on the whole germaphobia thing. And then she kicks him out of her office so she can weep quietly in peace.

By LTG

LTG is a full-time pension lawyer and a part-time polo team tack boy. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.

Watch the episode here, discuss it in our forums, then see the show's worst musical moments.

See the cast of Glee before they were stars.

Read interviews with Glee co-stars Jessalyn Gilsig and Harry Shum.