The madness, it spirals out of control. Sue is still concerned that Glee Club is imperiling her chances to win a national championship. She decides that if she can't destroy the club, she'll destroy Will. And her plan is to tell Terri that Will is having an affair with Emma, or is on the way to an affair. So Terri decides to keep an eye on Will by getting a job at the school -- as the school nurse (a job that's open because Sue pushed the elderly school nurse down the stairs). This leads to all kind of tension around the school. Emma and Will can no longer stare flirtatiously into each other's eyes, and Will feels smothered by Terri's constant presence. And then Terri ups the ante by convincing Ken Tanaka to propose to Emma. And she accepts, on the condition that they don't live together, socialize together, or tell a single person that they're married. Except that Emma tells Will, clearly hoping that he would beg her not to marry Ken. But he doesn't, and we're all sad.
Meanwhile, Will has noticed that the Glee Club kids have grown complacent after they learned that they have weak competition at sectionals. Inspired by Sue (!), he decides to motivate them by pitting the boys and girls in a competition against each other. Finn is feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, so Puck encourages him to visit the school nurse to get a little nap time. Unfortunately, Terri prefers to treat listlessness with over-the-counter cough medicine, giving us a glimpse of what Finn would be like as a meth-head. He shares the medicinal bounty with the rest of the boys, and they put together an entertaining but high-speed mash-up of "It's My Life" and "Confessions." The girls realize they have to step up to win the competition, so they also resort to doping, and perform a very energetic mash-up of "Halo" and "Walking on Sunshine." In the end, Principal Figgins catches on to Terri's drug pushing and fires her as nurse. But Figgins also decides that Will's failure to notice that all his kids were high means he can't be trusted to have sole stewardship of Glee Club. So he appoints Sue as co-director of Glee. I know!
In the baby plot that nobody cares about, Quinn tells Terri that she can have her baby. But the deal might be jeopardized when Terri refuses to pay for Quinn's medical bills. Yeah, whatever.
Oh, and Sue has a journal. A journal full of Sue's thoughts. Sue's insane, demented thoughts. Don't you want to read that more than any other book in the universe?
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see where the Glee Club will be in 20 years at the McKinley High School Reunion.
Previously, on Glee: the show added its own previously-on-Glee bit, which I'm not going to recap.
Will is teaching some choreography to the Glee Club, but they are totally half-assing it. He demands some energy, since they have Sectionals in two weeks, but Mercedes insists that Sectionals will be a breeze. Mr. Schue tells the kids that what they do at Sectionals will set the tone for Regionals, so they have to shine. Kurt laughs at an inappropriate moment, and then explains that he was watching a funny YouTube video.
In the teachers' lounge, Will complains about the kids' attitude to Emma while they eat their lunch. She can't really pay attention, because he has an enormous glob of mustard on his (in her words), "cute Kirk Douglas chin dimple." Rather than just wiping it off, Will tries to lick his own chin and leans in closer and closer to Emma as he does. I can't tell if he's flirting in the grossest way possible or if he's just a moron. Finally, Emma reaches out with her plastic-gloved hand and wipes his chin off. The sexual tension, she is thick. Emma tries to end the flirting by returning to the subject of the Glee Club's ennui, asking when it began. Will tells her it started a week ago. And then we flash back to a week ago!
Glee rehearsal. Rachel is leading a dance rehearsal when Will enters and tells them that he's just got the competition bracket for Sectionals. There are only two teams they have to beat to make it to Regionals. And those two teams are... School for the Deaf and Jane Adams Academy. Which Mercedes happens to know is "a halfway house for girls just getting out of juvie." Everyone is thrilled that their only competition will be (in Arty's word), "people who can't hear what they're singing, and criminals who don't care." I don't know -- I understand that women's prisons can be very musical places.
Back in the present, Will tells Emma that once they kids learned who their competition was going to be, they stopped trying. Emma tells him that her parents used a sticker board to motivate her to do her chores when she was a kid. I'm having trouble imagining young Emma allowing anybody else in her house to clean one single thing when she was a kid. As she explains the idea of a sticker board, we hear Sue's voice: "Oh, dear God, please, please, stop talking. I'm trying desperately to ignore the treacly sweet inanity of your asinine conversation, but now I've got bile in my mouth. I will hold my tongue no further." Sue shows Will a roster of the Cheerios, and then tells him that each week she randomly picks a Cheerio and dismisses her from the team. Will doesn't seem to receptive to Sue's suggestion, so she reminds him that they're dealing with children: "They need to be terrified. It's like mother's milk to them. Without it, their bones won't grow properly." That's funny, I find fear inhibits bone development. Oh, wait, I may be thinking of a different kind of bone. Sue tells Will to find a way to unleash the kids' competitive spirits. And then, having shocked them both into silence, she stands to leave, but not before telling Emma, "Ellen, that blouse is just insane." (The blouse is a darling little sleeveless yellow number with an enormous bow at the neck.) Emma can't believe Sue's allowed to teach at the school. I can't believe she's allowed to come within 50 feet of a child. But Will thinks Sue may just have a point. Title screen.
Will is lecturing the Glee kids about the benefits of competition. He posts three pairs of photos on a cork board. There's Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich, a shark and a bear, and a bolt of lightning and an above-ground swimming pool. Will: "Every one of these people or elements was a champion in their own right. But they used competing with each other to make themselves even better." Yes, I still remember the rib-eating contest between Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich in 1995. It was messy, but it resulted in some great legislation. Kurt asks how lightning and swimming pools are in competition. Duh, Kurt -- they're each trying to kill more children. Will wants the Glee Club to feel that competitive spirit, so he splits them along gender lines. Kurt tries to sneak in with the girls, but Mr. Schue keeps him with all those beautiful, beautiful young men. What torture. Will tells them that each team has a week to prepare a mash-up of their choice. And then, just in case any grandparents are watching the show, Puck asks what a mash-up is. Will tells them the boys will perform on Tuesday and the girls on Wednesday. The winning team gets to select the number the entire Glee Club will perform at Sectionals. Rachel asks who the judge will be, since Will's penis will make him naturally biased in favor of the boys. Will tells them he'll have a celebrity judge. A celebrity judge with no gender whatsoever. Or even better, a celebrity judge with a natural affinity for both genders. RuPaul for celebrity judge! The girls walk out the room, clearly excited about the competition. Will tells the boys he hopes they're up for it. Arty: "We're planning on smacking them down like the hand of God." As the other boys leave, Will asks Finn how he's doing. (Did I mention that Finn's been yawning and nearly falling asleep the entire episode so far? No? Well, he has.) Finn says he's fine, just worn-out.
And now, dear readers, prepare yourselves. We've arrived at Sue's journal scene. Normally, I don't just transcribe long monologues. But whoever wrote this deserves to have his or her work memorialized for future generations. So, to wit: "Dear Journal. Feeling listless again today. It began at dawn, when I tried to make a smoothie out of beef bones, breaking my juicer. And then at Cheerios practice, disaster! [Cut to Sue watching the Cheerios make a pyramid.] It was unmistakable. It was like spotting the first spark on the Hindenburg. A quiver! [As we see a small twitch in Quinn's thigh.] That quiver will lose us Nationals. And without a championship, I'll lose my endorsements. And without those endorsements, I won't be able to buy my hovercraft. [Cut to Sue after practice, asking Quinn if she's feeling okay, and Quinn claiming to just be tired from too much Glee Club rehearsal.] Glee Club. Every time I try to destroy that clutch of scab-eating mouth-breathers, it only comes back stronger, like some sexually-ambiguous horror movie villain. Here I am, about to turn 30, and I've sacrificed everything, only to be shanghaied by the bi-curious machinations of a cabal of doughy, misshapen teens. Am I missing something, Journal? Is it me? Of course it's not me. It's Will Schuester! What is it about him, Journal? Is it the arrogant smirk? Is it the store-bought home perm? You know, Journal, I noticed something yesterday. [Flash to Sue watching Will and Emma's mustard-fueled flirtation.] Of course. It's coming clear to me now. If I can't destroy the club, I will have to destroy the man!"
Locker room. Coach Ken is... coaching the team. The camera pans across the players to Finn. (Yes, there's shirtless Puck in this scene, but only from the clavicle up. It doesn't really count.) And then Finn gets his own monologue. It's about how tired he is, all the time, even though he should be feeling great about being captain of the football team, Glee stud, and future baby daddy to a hot, popular cheerleader. "But I can't get Rachel out of my head. She kind of freaks me out, in a Swimfan kind of way, but she can really sing, and her body is smoking... if you're not into boobs." Finn tells us about his changing body. We see him rubbing Biofreeze on his shins to deal with growing pains -- and then getting some in his eyes, sending him running to the showers. And then we see him playing a video game as he continues to tell us how he's overwhelmed between Glee, football, being popular, and school. "I don't know how important people like presidents or newscasters or mob bosses do it. My mom says I'm stretched too thin, so I gave up homework, but that didn't help." His video game character gets killed on level two. His voice-over is upset by that fact, but even more upset by the fact that he doesn't have the energy to care. He collapses into his bed without getting undressed.
Dark screen. A voice says, "he's drooling." And then Finn opens his eyes to find the two people who really love him standing over him. No, not Rachel and Quinn -- Kurt and Puck. Finn is groggy, and tells them that when he's really thinking hard, it helps to close his eyes. The other boys (or at least, those who get lines. Sorry, Mike Chang and Matt Rutherford) are planning their mash-up, because they are determined not to lose to the girls. Arty tells Finn that they've settled on a mix of Bon Jovi's "It's My Life" and Usher's "Confessions." Puck: "We should get some trash can lids and stomp the yard up in this piece." Arty: "Puck, with respect, you're more helpful when you don't contribute." Finn drifts off again, and Puck tells him to go to the nurse's office for some nap time. That's how Puck has been avoiding math class for a couple of years. Finn wipes off the drool and shambles off to the nurse's office.
In the dance studio (which I guess is part of the school), the female Glee Clubbers are working on their mash-up. If by "working" you mean putting on makeup and doing each other's nails. And I do. Quinn's not there -- in response to Rachel's question, Britney says that she's "probably down at the mall, looking for elastic waistbands." Rachel wants them to start working. Mercedes notes that they've already picked their songs (Beyoncé's "Halo" and "Walking on Sunshine," originally recorded by Katrina and the Waves) and that they can just wing it, since the boys are clearly not going to do a good job. Rachel thinks they can't just wing it, but she's outvoted by the other four.
Nurse's office. Finn is surprised to see Terri there (with a stethoscope around her neck) as the nurse. He introduces himself as being from the Glee Club. Terri thinks for a second and asks her if he's the one dating Quinn. She's very pleased with his bone structure. Finn tells Terri that he's tired and would like to take a nap on the orthopedically designed cot in the office, but in Terri's mind she's already graduated from the Psychotic School of Nursing, so she tells him to take a seat while she grills him about his sleep habits. She asks him what time he goes to bed. Finn: "I don't know, usually after Skinemax starts playing regular movies again." But he's having trouble falling asleep, because his "brain won't shut up." When asked by Terri what he's thinking about, he tells her, "football plays, girls, dance steps, girls." Terri is shocked that he would think about "girls" plural since he's dating Quinn. He asks her if she thinks a guy can be into two girls at once. I'm not sure a guy can be into fewer than three girls at once, based on my personal observation. But Terri is shocked at the question: "No. And remember, flirting is cheating. And the revenge of the jilted woman is usually pretty messy." He asks if he can take his nap. She tells him that when she was in high school, she was cheerleading captain, a straight-A student, popular, and in a relationship with Will. Now that she thinks about it, she's not sure how she did all that. And then it hits her -- she took pseudoephedrine. Which she just happens to have in her purse. A couple of those every morning and she was set for the day. She gives him two, telling them they're just like a vitamin. He's hesitant, but she reminds him that she's the school nurse, so she must know what she's doing.
And then a beaming, highly energetic Finn walks into the music room and tells the guys he can't wait to run through their number. Arty: "Has your soul been taken over by caffeinated space aliens?" Finn: "Nope. Justvisitedtheschoolnurse, gotthisgreatvitamin, Ifeelfantastic, Ican'twaittodothenumber, let'sdothenumber, andthenafterwardswecanbuildhousesforHabitatforHumanity!" Puck asks what kind of vitamin he got. Finn: "Vitamin D. And I got you guys some."
Cut to the boys performing their mash-up for Will, Emma, and the girls. They're rocking it hard. They're all clearly wired, although what produces huge goofy smiles for most of them results in an intense stare in Kurt. Finn's dancing is about what it always is, but bigger, more energetic, and with a slightly constipated look on his face. Finn takes the lead on "It's My Life," while Arty sings the lead on "Confessions." And we get a great dance solo from Mike Chang. (Seriously, go YouTube Harry Shum.) At the end, everyone cheers, but Rachel looks pretty stunned. Will tells the girls they'd better be great tomorrow, or the boys will clearly win. Commercials.
Quinn's at her locker when Rachel approaches and notes that she's been missing from rehearsals. Quinn: "I'm not superwoman. I know that Glee is your whole life, but I have the Cheerios, I'm on Honor Roll, I have friends." She starts to walk away, but Rachel tells her not to be embarrassed. Unlike everyone else in the school, the kids at Glee won't make fun or her or shun her when her pregnancy becomes obvious. (Except, you know, for making jokes about her buying maternity clothes at the mall.) Rachel tells Quinn that, notwithstanding the fact that everyone expects them to be enemies, she doesn't hate Quinn. Quinn: "Why not? I've been awful to you." Rachel points out that was before Quinn knew what it was like to be an outsider, like Rachel. I'm confused. Which one is Ponyboy? Quinn doesn't think Rachel can relate to what she's going through. Rachel: "You don't think people whisper about me in the lunch rooms, or draw pornographic pictures of me on the bathroom walls?" Quinn: "That was me, actually." And I was the one whispering about you in the lunch room. But only because you were wearing those black knee socks with the brown moccasins. Rachel tells Quinn that she's going to need Glee, and they need her in Glee because she's a good singer. Quinn: "I would have tortured you if the roles were reversed, you know." Rachel does know. And she walks away full of the self-satisfaction of knowing that she's a better person than Quinn is.
Terri's on the phone with Howard Bamboo. She needs him to run to the pharmacy to pick her up a few boxes of decongestant so she can keep the kids of McKinley High healthy and happy. And buzzing around like bees on crack. How many boxes, you ask? Oh, just thirty-six. And then Ken enters her office, closing the door behind him. He tells her that he thinks his girlfriend is in love with her husband. Terri can't believe yet another person knows about this, and asks how long it's been going on. Ken: "I don't know. A couple months. I see them together all the time, laughing, talking, all the stuff she never does with me." Terri knew something was up when Emma couldn't take her eyes off Will during those "Acafella clown shows." Ken, first assistant to the head clown, seems a little offended, but steams ahead and asks if Will has ever mentioned Emma. Terri: "Oh no, he's too smart for that. I mean, just barely, but still." Terri tells Ken that she only took the job as the school nurse to keep an eye on Will. She needs to find a permanent solution to the Will/Emma problem soon, because "I'm not built to work five days a week." Ken has a plan: "Maybe if you and I started seeing each other on the side, it might kind of cancel their thing out." Terri doesn't even dignify that with a response, instead asking if Ken and Emma are still having sex. It turns out they've never had sex, because Emma doesn't like to be touched. By Ken. Ken starts crying, and Terri realizes this is the moment she's supposed to show some of that "human emotion" she's heard about, so she stands up and gingerly rubs his back. Only to recoil when he bemoans his sad fate, what with his psoriasis and his undescended testicle. Terri tells him to knock it off and man up. With a glint of steel in her eye, she tells him to go straight to the nearest department store to buy an engagement ring. "And then you're going to get down on one knee, and you're gonna ask that doe-eyed little harlot to marry you." Ken can't do that because he's terrified she'll say "no," but Terri hands him some Vitamin D and tells him that after he takes a couple of those, he'll be able to do anything.
In the music room, Rachel is telling the other Glee girls, "I told you so." Santana Lopez points out that she's been telling them that for the better part of an hour. Rachel is worried (of course) that she'll personally be humiliated when the boys beat them. Mercedes and Tina wonder how the boys got so good. Kurt enters the room and tells them, "The real question is, what were they on?" No, the real question is, what the hell is Kurt wearing? The bowtie and vest I like (especially the vest), but his white shirt seems to have scraps of black fabric sewn on to the forearms. Kurt, out of loyalty to his fellow sisters in music, tells them that he'll let them in on the boys' secret, mostly because "they declined my offer to do their hair in cornrows, and all my artistic decisions have been derided as too costly because they involve several varieties of exotic bird feathers." And then he tells them the boys were doped up. Commercials.
A pepped up Finn walks down the school hallway. He high-fives another player, telling him he's got all the plays for week's game worked out, and then he tells Will that he left a paper on his desk, even though it's not due for two more weeks. And then he's brought up short when Rachel charges up to him and yells, "Cheater!" He feigns ignorance, but Rachel tells him she knows about the drugs (while ratting out Kurt as the source of her knowledge). Rachel: "It's deplorable, contemptible, and it's just plain wrong. It's also cheating. As a matter of fact, I'm going to start calling you F-Rod." Finn notes that he would never take steroids because they make your junk fall off. Finn tells her he was just trying to deal with the pressure he's under. Rachel tells them everyone's under pressure, but she chooses to deal with it naturally, with a rigorous diet and exercise routine. Cut to Rachel's bedroom, where the alarm goes off at 6 AM. After a protein shake, she's on the elliptical at 6:10 (wearing matching headband and leggings). And she motivates herself by focusing on her goal. Which, as she's working out, is a picture of a Grammy award with her name on it. Back at school, Finn says that her pressure is personal, and nobody will be disappointed if she doesn't achieve her goal. Whereas he has to deal with being quarterback and male lead and having a pregnant girlfriend. She tells him that winning through cheating isn't winning at all, and he tells her that she's just worried they'll lose because the boys were so awesome. As he walks away, she looks worried.
Cut to the nurse's office, where the Glee girls are all lined up to get their Vitamin D from Terri -- except for Quinn, who's getting folic acid. Howard Bamboo is there, acting as Terri's assistant. Rachel asks if Terri is really sure they should take the pills. Terri: "You can trust me. I'm a nurse. It's good for you." So they all swallow their pills.
In the teachers' lounge, Ken is manically feeding documents into the shredder. Will asks Terri what's up with him, and she claims that Ken's healthy glow is due to a new vitamin regimen she put him on. Will points out (again) that Terri's not really a nurse, and she accuses him of criticizing her work. Emma enters, and she and Will are visibly pained that they can't sit and flirt together. Way to be subtle about your emotional cheating, guys. Terri cuddles up to Will and notices some mustard on his upper lip. And then she licks it off. Will freaks out at being Frenched by the school nurse, and she claims that her hormones are just making her crazy hot for him. And then they have a fight based on the fact that spending too much time together is hurting their marriage. As proof of this, we see the two of them at supper with nothing to talk about since they no longer have reason to discuss their respective days. Will gets up to go to the bathroom and rejects Terri's offer to come with him. Will tells her that he loves her but he needs his space. As he leaves, Terri looks at Ken and tells him to seize the moment and propose to Emma. So Ken drops to one knee and tells Emma that despite the flaws in their relationship (like the fact that she won't ride in his car and he's not allowed to touch her above the wrist), he thinks about her all day long and kisses the picture of the two of them at the State Fair each night before going to sleep. And then he unzips his fanny pack (hee!) and pulls out a ring box. Emma's freaking out. Ken: "Emma Pillsbury, this is not an engagement ring." Emma: "Oh, thank goodness." But Ken clarifies that it is an engagement ring -- but it's also a promise: "I know you have this thing about being clean. Now I can't promise to pick up my underwear or squeegee the shower door, but I can promise to keep your life clean of sadness, and loneliness, and any other dark clouds that might float into it." I think that may be the most romantic thing I've ever heard. He cracks the box and tells her it's cubic zirconia: "I know how affected you were by Blood Diamond." And he asks her to marry him. Commercials.
The girls, in similar but not identical yellow dresses, are about to perform their mash-up. Rachel introduces the number: "Thankyousomuchitreallyisapleasure. Whilethe
boyschoseaselectionofsongthatcastaneyeinwardontheirresponsiblelifechoicesandsexualhunger
oftoday'smodernteens, wehavechosenaselectionofsongsthatspeakstothenationasawholeduringthese
troublingtimesfilledwitheconomicuncertaintyandunbridledsocialwar, becauseifthere'stwothings
Americaneedsrightnow, it'ssunshineandoptimism. Also angels." If Finn on drugs turned into the equivalent of Rachel on a normal day, imagine what Rachel on drugs is like. And then the girls perform their mash-up. It features Rachel on lead for "Halo," with lots of strong input from Mercedes. And no real lead for "Walking On Sunshine." And a huge amount of really frantic hair-tossing. I'm guessing this episode had a very large neck brace budget. Everybody applauds at the end, and Will tells the girls that whatever they did to get so good they should keep doing it. As the girls run out of the room to build houses for Habitat for Humanity, Will asks Emma if she can walk with him.
In the hallway, Will and Emma chat about how the idea to foster a competitive spirit seems to have worked. And then he asks if it's true that Ken proposed to her. He asks her what she plans on doing, and she responds, "I don't know. Can you think of any other options I might have?" And a chunk of the forums exploded with outraged indignation at how she seems to be asking him to leave his wife. To which I can only say, I hope to God nobody is watching this show to learn any moral lessons. It's a Ryan Murphy show. Every single person is a morally corrupt idiot, and you're supposed to find reasons to love them despite that fact, not because of it. And you're supposed to laugh and dance along to the songs. In any case, Will can't tell Emma what she really wants to hear (which is that she should wait for him, because eventually he'll leave his wife for her). And then we see that Terri was watching this scene from the far end of the corridor.
Emma's office (which I think is the same space they've been using for the nurse's office). Terri enters to find Emma standing by the window, staring out forlornly at all the dirty, unhygienic nature. When Emma notices Terri, she carefully sneaks around the edge of her desk to that it's between the two of them. Terri says that since things have been so awkward, she just wanted to clear the air. Emma thinks that Terri's suggesting the kind of air-clearing in which people tell each other polite lies that make themselves feel better, and she offers her a seat. But Terri really just wants to tell Emma, "You have no chance with my husband. Do I make myself clear? Oh, you might think there's some kind of competition going on between you and I, but that's like saying that a nail is competing with a hammer." Or a pool with a lightning bolt. Emma: "Terri, Will is a good man. He's kind, and he's generous, and he deserves a lot better than you." I'm glad Emma has some backbone under all those pretty sweaters. Terri: "Look at you. You are so superior because you are nice to a man you see for an hour or two a day. You're just an innocent little dove, hmm? You're so innocent that you would steal a man away from his pregnant wife. Do yourself a favor, honey. Marry Ken Tanaka. Oh sure, he's dumb like sand, and his fondue pot of nationalities is gonna open your kids up to a host of genetic diseases, but he's kind. And he's generous. And he's available." And with that, she leaves. Commercials.
Hallway. Quinn sees Terri and tells her she needs to talk to her about (whispered) "the baby." Terri asks if everything is okay: "You're not having it now, are you?" There's that crack medical knowledge she picked up at Psychotic School of Nursing. Quinn tells Terri that she's been thinking about her offer. Quinn likes her life -- she enjoys being a Cheerio and even enjoys Glee Club. And she recognizes that she can't raise a kid and keep her fabulous life. Terri has a rare moment of humanity as she empathizes with Quinn, noting that life is much more hectic for teens than it was in Terri's day. "I mean, there weren't as many TV channels though." Terri asks if Finn is okay with giving up the baby. Quinn says that he's the reason she's doing it -- he's a great guy, and she doesn't want to ruin his life. But Quinn doesn't want Will to ever know what's going on. So he's not supposed to notice her growing belly and the fact that his baby appears the day she has hers? You know, I think he's dumb enough I could see that happening. Terri promises to keep the secret. Quinn raises one more point -- she's going to have medical bills and maternity clothes to buy. Terri can't believe the woman who's giving her a baby wants money. After all, Terri's going to be responsible for the baby for 18 years. She thinks Quinn can take care of things for nine months.
Boys locker room. Ken is alone, erasing the whiteboard, when Emma gingerly tiptoes into the room. She's not trying to be quiet -- she's just trying to avoid touching absolutely anything in the room, including the air. She's shocked at the site of somebody's jockstrap, sitting on a bench. Emma says hello to Ken and tells him that she can't stay in the room long because of the germs and the odor. That's the smell of teen sexuality. And Biofreeze. Emma has a question for Ken. And that question is whether he could accept a marriage in which they continue to live in different houses, don't socialize outside of work, and don't actually tell anybody they're married. That's a better deal than Ken expected. I think the only worse possible deal would be if they got married and then Ken was required to commit ritual suicide. Emma: "You're a really good man, Ken. And I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone." Except for after school and on the weekends, when she won't see him. So she'll marry him.
Non-existent outdoor corridor. Finn ambushes Rachel, calling her "A-Rach," and praising the girls' energetic mash-up. Rachel claims they were just leveling out the playing field. And then the both of them decide that doping was wrong and that they should just admit their error and call off the competition. And then she apologizes for calling him contemptible and deplorable. He didn't mind, since he didn't really know what those words meant. Stepping past the moronic elephant in the room, Rachel tells him that she's realized that her goals are too selfish, and it's time for her to stop competing against everyone and start competing alongside them.
Principal's office. Will and Terri are there because Terri's drug pushing has been noticed by someone with a brain. Figgins has clearly just told Will what happened, because Will blows up at Terri's insanity. Her defense is that the drugs must be safe because they're sold over the counter. And she thinks the kids would have taken drugs on their own if she hadn't provided them. Will disagrees, since these are good kids. I guess, unlike Terri when she was in high school. Terri points out that nothing bad happened. Figgins: "Howard Bamboo got arrested." And then we flash to Howard getting tackled by four cops at the local drug store. Poor Howard. He's never going to make it in prison. Will's confused. Figgins catches him up with the audience by telling him that pseudoephedrine is used to make crystal meth. So Howard was arrested on suspicion of running a meth lab. Terri, in her defense, notes that she "never told Howard to get them all at one place." Will tells Terri that he doesn't know how he can raise a baby with her if she can't even be trusted to look after a group of teenagers without doping them up. Figgins fires Terri as nurse. Will gets up to leave, but Figgins tells him he's not off the hook either. Apparently, his push to make the kids competitive is what lead them to abuse drugs. So Figgins thinks that Glee Club needs a co-director, someone with a proven track record of winning competitions without resorting to doping. Of course, if Figgins hadn't insisted that he was going to shut down Glee if it didn't place at Regionals, Will might not be so obsessed with winning. But who needs consistency from our favorite school administrator and anti-embolism stocking model?
Music room. The kids are apologizing to Will, who is expressing his deep disappointment in them. Rachel says they'd love to move forward and put the entire episode behind them (which is what they do every week), but Will tells them that this time there are consequences. Namely, they have a new co-director. And it's Sue! Santana and Britney look happy. The other kids look terrified. Which I guess will help their bones grow.
Will is leaving school when Emma calls out to him. She tells him that she's going to marry Ken. With deep sadness in his voice, Will tells her that's great. And then the two of them walk away from each other, with one last sad look back over their shoulders.
Rachel is in her bedroom, holding a box of decongestants. She's wearing a torn sweatshirt, kind of like the one in this scene. (Mad props to the eagle-eyed forum posters for spotting that.) She looks for a minute as though she's contemplating taking the drugs. And then she throws them in the trash, turns on her music, and climbs on the elliptical. But her goal of a Grammy has been replaced with a sign that says, simply, "Sectionals."
LTG is a full-time pension lawyer and part-time enemy of magic. You can write to him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.