By Demian
An encounter with a 24-year old Vocal Adrenaline member (who's a 6th year senior) helps Will to realize that there are ways to bring ringers into the Glee Club. He tracks down April Rhodes, a former Glee Club star (she was a senior when Will was a freshman) who dropped out when she was three credits shy of graduating. It turns out that she's Josh Groban's favorite type -- a blowsy alcoholic. So she enrolls in his Spanish class and joins the Glee Club. And did I mention that she's played by Kristin Chenoweth? Despite her amazing pipes, the kids are a little disturbed by having a 30-something drunk as their new member, so April wins them over one at a time, introducing them to booze, porn and the joys of shoplifting. And, in the case of Puck and the football players who joined Glee, the joys of group sex in the showers.
Finn turns out to be a diabolical mastermind when it comes to manipulating women -- or, at least, Rachel. He plays with her attraction to him to get her to rejoin Glee. But only after Sandy is a total ass to her and drives her away from the musical. Of course, Rachel returns mere moments after Puck tells the rest of the group that Quinn is pregnant and that Finn is the father. So Rachel slaps the crap out of Finn and calls him out for leading her on. He admits that he persuaded her to rejoin Glee only so to increase the chances he would get a music scholarship. So she leaves again, but only after getting Sue to guarantee that she will have full control over the musical.
Will realizes that drunk April is a horrible influence on the Glee Clubbers (especially after a drunken Kurt vomits all over Emma) and gets her to promise to sober up. She breaks that promise the very night, when Glee is performing their first big concert for an audience. After the first half, Will benches April for being an incorrigible drunk. She realizes that it's wrong for her to try to steal the spotlight from these kids, and she heads off to find her fame on Broadway, or maybe Branson.
As the kids prepare for the second half, Will tells them there won't be a second half because he's sacked April. But Rachel appears and offers to fill in for April, because she's realized that she'd rather have the Glee kids as friends than be a star, so she rejoins Glee and quits the musical (again). And then the kids perform a great cover of Queen's "Somebody to Love."
Currently on Glee: A Previously sequence! Let's let the wackily voiced announcer man handle this, shall we? "Quinn told Finn, 'I'm pregnant!' but she didn't tell him that he's not the father -- Puck is. Can you believe that? But that's not the only baby drama -- Terry says she's pregnant but really, she's faking, and Mr. Schuester doesn't know. Also, Rachel quit the Glee Club because Sue got Sandy to come back to direct a musical, and that's what you missed on Glee!" Thanks for that, Wackily Voiced Announcer Man, but you forgot the best part of the episode: "Hand. Hand. Point to the finger. Hip. Head. Oh, sneak attack back to the ring! Comb through the hair. Slap. The. Butt!"
The camera catches Will taping a "William McKinley High Glee Club Invitational" poster to a hallway wall as the by now very familiar opening to this show's version of "Don't Stop Believing" hits the soundtrack, and soon enough, we've been shunted over to the music room, where Will's leading the recently expanded Glee Club in a full rehearsal of the piece, accompanied by my favorite non-speaking students on this or any other high-school-based show, The McKinley Jazz Ensemble. That bassist is fierce. But what's this? Quinn singing the female lead? Heresy! Do you think we should stone her? I think we should stone her. Fortunately for her sake, Quinn suddenly throws up in her mouth a little bit, and bolts for the ladies' to indulge in a morning sickness-induced hurl. Finn, quick to cover, blurts, "I think she just had a bad breakfast burrito!" but Kurt couldn't care less about Quinn's dietary habits, real or imagined, and instead plants his hands firmly upon his hips to ask, "Can we please talk about the giant elephant in the room?" "Your sexuality?" snarks Santana Lopez, of all people, but Kurt simply tosses her a supremely hairy side-eye as he corrects her. "Rachel," he stresses. "We can't do it without her." Will suggests layering Santana Lopes and Mercedes over Quinn's inadequate vocal stylings, but Artie immediately protests this proposed solution, noting that they might get away with it for the invitationals, but the sectionals and regionals are going to be a different story. "The wheelchair kid's right," my glorious husband Puck interjects. "That Rachel chick makes me want to light myself on fire, but she can sing." And how does Will answer all of this insubordination? By working his panties into a tremendous wad and tossing a massive hissy, of course. Smooth. After snapping about how everyone just needs to get the hell over Rachel, already, he pisses out an order for everyone to take five and flounces over to the grand piano, where he huffily takes a seat. Frankenteen, foolishly heedless of the tension now flaring out from Mr. Schue's unreasonably curly head, lurches over to bumble, "I don't wanna tell ya how to do your job, but with all the dancing around that Quinn's doing, I'm kinda worried about..." -- and here his voice dives into an exaggerated whisper -- "...the baby." To his credit, Will does not choose to make that Ticonderoga No. 2 in his hand disappear into Finn's eye, but instead offers to give T-T-T-Tina some of Quinn's verses before wondering if Finn might maybe possibly want to let his mother know what's going on in Quinn's uterus. Finn quietly notes that he'd rather handle it himself for the time being, as his mother has "enough to worry about," what with replenishing her supply of mom jeans and cunning little denim vests and such. Frankenteen lurches away while Will looks pensive, or something.
By Demian
The camera cuts to the interior of one of Lima's finer dining establishments, where the pregnancy-padded Terri's wolfing down her third piece of grasshopper pie while Will thoughtfully dips a French fry into a bowl of ketchup before wondering aloud, "How come you haven't had any morning sickness?" Terri's eyes widen in momentary panic, but Will obliviously fails to notice this in favor of explaining that Quinn's "been upchucking every fifteen minutes." "That's a really good sign!" Terri breathily enthuses while slyly angling to change the topic for a moment. "It means the baby's not a mongoloid!" Of course, this just makes Will worry about their nonexistent fetus's health even more, but Terri, thinking fast, hastens to reassure him. "You should ask Howard Bamboo about my Linda Blair impersonations every half hour at work." Will, idiot that he is, buys this, and is about to launch himself into another round of bitchery regarding the Rachel situation when their not unattractive waiter stops by to see how they're doing. Terri, of course, would like another slice of pie, but that's not important at the moment, because what really is important is that Will thinks he recognizes this Chris person from Spanish classes at McKinley a few years back. "Like, five years ago," Chris nods, before adding, "I go to Carmel now." "How is that possible?" Will buhs. "You must be 22." "Twenty-four," Chris corrects with a smile on his face. "I'm a sixth-year senior," he explains. "They keep failing me so I can stay in Vocal Adrenaline." "Is that legal?" Will eyebrows. "I'm the only one who can do the triple flip," Chris shrugs, and no, he's not the same guy who did the triple flip in the middle of "Rehab," but whatever, because Terri is hungry, and Will has suddenly stumbled across a cunning plan. This should go well for everyone involved.
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By Demian
"I could get fired for this," Emma sighs as she sits at her desk with a manila folder clutched to her adorably attired bosom. "She was a student fifteen years ago," Will argues. "No one is gonna care." That's enough for besotted Emma, I suppose, for she hands the folder over with just an instant of last-minute hesitation, and Will eagerly flips the thing open to exclaim, "I knew it! She never graduated!" The "she" in question is one "April Rhodes," whom Will calls "a goddess" and "the most talented performer in McKinley Glee Club history." "She was my first crush," he confides, noting that he was a freshman when April was a senior, but Emma's stuck on that whole "first crush" thing, because she'd been under the apparently mistaken impression that Terri had been Will's one and only forever. "So, then you've...you've had feelings for someone other than your wife?" she blinks. Will -- still oblivious -- blows past her question to Google April Rhodes, and MySpace gets an irksome bit of News Corporation-approved product placement before Will lands on April's own webpage. "Hold on, hold on, hold on!" a desperately lovesick Emma babbles, leaping to her feet for emphasis. "Reaching back into your past is a dangerous business," she warns. "A few years ago, I started an online flirtation with a high school flame, Andy. Things got weird, and I called it off, and two months later?" Here she pauses for dramatic effect. "Versace was dead." Hee! Will hoists his eyebrows into the air, likely because while he's frequently dim, he's not so stupid as to believe Emma's anywhere near old enough to have gone to high school with Andrew Cunanan, and he then continues to peruse April's website. "She's online!" he practically giggles, and starts in with the instant messaging. Nouvelle Vague's cover of "Heart Of Glass" bops onto the soundtrack as Will types, "Not sure if you remember me, but my name is Will Schuester." April's response is near-instantaneous: "Thirty-five Bontempo Road between 2 and 3. Bring buffalo wings."
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By Demian
thing we know, Will's wheeling up to the curb outside a gated, Mediterranean-style villa, and when he rings the bell, the front door's answered by...Tony luminary Kristin Chenoweth! Tony luminary Kristin Chenoweth is here decidedly orange in hue, and sports a blue denim halter-topped pantsuit that clashes with her skin tone. And her hot pink nail polish, for that matter. April Rhodes carries a large glass filled with what must be some sort of booze, for when Will asks if she remembers him, she slurs, "I don' rememerr breffuss!" They giggle as she drags him inside by his tie, and as soon as she's got him beneath the grand foyer's blood-soaked chandelier, she spins around to smile, "So! Did I sleep with you?" Will gets tongue-tied for a moment and trips over, "I-I-I was a freshman when you were a senior." April's all, "...and?" Heh. April totters into the kitchen on her high heels to fetch Will a glass of wine from the box she's just cracked open and, in response to his question, boasts that she's been doing quite well for herself lately, what with the five or six "appointments" she's been booking on a daily basis through her website. She returns to the grand foyer to press a near-overflowing tumbler into his hand and suggest he get himself settled while she slips into something a little more comfortable, and Will's on the verge of putting two and two together to get "whore" when a real estate agent bustles through the front door with an upscale couple in tow. Ooops. "You!" Sandra With Oak Crest Realty seethes upon spotting April. "This is the third time this week!" "She is a squatter!" Sandra With Oak Crest Realty screams at Will, explaining that Bontempo Manor fell into bank receivership when its owners foreclosed on the mortgage, and that she, Sandra With Oak Crest Realty, wants April and her john out of the grand foyer, pronto. "Let me just get my vino, and I'll be outta your hair!" April gesticulates, and she and her orange skin and pink nails and denim pantsuit and dark roots stagger back into the kitchen while Will attempts small talk. Unlike me, Sandra With Oak Crest Realty is not amused.
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By Demian
Out at the curb, April pours herself another water glass of boxed vino while Will wonders what the hell happened to her. "In high school," he remembers, "you were really going places -- you had a voice like a dream! Everyone loved you!" "Oh, I hitched my star to the wrong wagon," April smiles, giving Will a ruefully playful nudge. She and her high school sweetheart, Vinnie, were convinced they were going to be stars, so they dropped out to hitchhike to Broadway, but they ended up in Cleveland, "slinging hash at Ralph's Bake Shop And Waffle House." "Then Ralph had an affair with Vinnie," April shrugs, "I had a set of mixed-race twins, and those were the good times." Will finds her struggle "really moving" instead of "hilarious," and earnestly proposes to help get her back on her feet. He knows she needs only three more credits to graduate, so he'll enroll her in his Spanish class, and as a bonus, her boozy, thirtysomething ass can join the Glee Club as McKinley High's answer to Carmel's rapidly aging ringers. "We'll get you sobered up, and find you some underwear!" April's touched. In the head, among other places, but still. "Whaddya say?" Will asks. In reply, April takes one last swig of swill Chablis and cockily tosses the rest of it out onto the asphalt as we head into the first commercial break.
The day finds Will back in the music room, introducing Orange April to the Glee Club as "someone special." The Glee Club is unimpressed with Orange April and her finger guns. "Old people can join Glee Club now?" Finn puzzles. "This seems like a terrible idea," Artie adds. My glorious husband, inveterate MILF hunter that he is, winks and makes kissy little lip puckers in Orange April's general direction. Slut. And God love him for it. "We appreciate what you're trying to do," Mercedes pipes up, "but she's no Rachel." Orange April's all, "Who's Rachel?" so the elaborately behoodied T-T-T-Tina stutters, "Sh-sh-sh-she's kind of our star." "So where is she?" Orange April sasses. "She left," Kurt sniffs regally from his perch on one of the chairs, casting a gimlet eye on Orange April's latest garish and too-tight ensemble while continuing, "to be the lead in Cabaret." Rising to the obvious challenge, Orange April slips out of her jacket, and as she flips the thing into Will's chest, she calls out to the club's ever-silent pianist, "Hey, Tinkles! Give me 'Maybe This Time' in B flat, and don't let me catch you snoozin'!" Orange April confidently adjusts her bra strap as a nonplussed Tinkles starts in with the opening vamp, and the camera cuts quickly to the school auditorium, where a quintet of girls -- including the Jazz Ensemble's fierce bassist -- occupy the darkly lit stage in cheaply made flapper costumes as members of Cabaret's band, with the broadly grinning drummer and the solemn-looking clarinetist adding their instruments to the underscore. Orange April begins the song, and it's Kristin Chenoweth singing "Maybe This Time" from Cabaret, so I am genetically predisposed as a gay man to gush. Seriously, they'd take my card away if I told you this was anything but Capital-F Faaaaaaaaaab-ulous. Thank God it actually is. And as Orange April gets into it, we enter a bit into how this is apparently playing out in the depths of her boozed-up brain, for she steps forward into a wholly appropriate and magically appearing spotlight that has the added benefit of washing her skin tone back to colors more likely to be found in nature. Back in the auditorium, Rachel's stepped up to the old-fashioned microphone in front of the all-girl band, and for the rest of the number, we've got dueling Sallys, and while many on the forum boards preferred Lea Michele's bits over Kristin Chenoweth's, I think they're both pretty much flawless, but again: Genetically predisposed to gush, here. Also: SQUEEEEEEEE! Also also: This is yet another Glee clip that will have found a permanent place on gay bar playlists across the country long before this recap is published. Mark my words.
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By Demian
In any event, the number ends with Chenoweth practically going cross-eyed as she hits one of her patented glory notes, and it's just a tiny bit annoying, but it's appropriate for the character, so I'm fine with it. The spotlight fades, returning that unnatural orange glow to April's skin, and she slowly descends from her Cabaret-induced reverie to gauge her audience's reaction. The Glee Club is agog. Even my glorious husband is sitting there with his mouth agape in amazement. "Stick that in your pipe and smoke it!" Orange April sasses, pleased with the response, and as she saunters triumphantly from the room, Kurt whips out his pocket square to hastily dry the single perfect tear that had rolled down his cheek. HA!
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By Demian
Later that week, Orange April biffs an easy question in Will's Spanish class, but she gamely cracks wise at her error, eliciting a round of giggles from her fellow students. Will's not nearly as amused as Orange April's classmates, and once the bell's rung, he calls her to his desk for a chat. "Sorry," she apologizes, "the old noodle just ain't what she used to be -- I huffed a lot of upholstery cleaner in the nineties." Will just nods his head at the crazy drunk lady, because what he actually wants to talk about are the Glee kids' still-present reservations regarding Orange April's place in the club. "You draw a lot of attention to yourself," he explains, "and they're embarrassed enough as it is." He suggests she take some time to win them over, and we all know what that means: Montage!
"You Make My Dreams," that timeless classic by Hall And Oates, hits the soundtrack as we zip forward to Orange April pouring Kurt a shot of courage from her thermos. "It smells like my aunt Mildred," Kurt protests. "Jess drank it!" Orange April slurs. Pinkie out, Kurt samples his cup's contents. His verdict? "Sweet, with a bit of an afterburny taste." "Good Chablis should always have a little bite," Orange April counsels. She prescribes a few swigs every morning before school, and before Kurt knows it, he'll have all the self-confidence he needs to be himself. "That's fantastic!" Kurt wows, but it only gets better, my sweet little baby gay. "So's my vintage collection of primo muscle magazines," Orange April grins, waving a three-inch-high stack of Bob Mizer's finest beneath Kurt's pert nose. Moments later, Kurt stands in front of Mr. Schuester, thermos and magazines clutched to his chest as he announces, "I've changed my mind. April should stay. I worship her." Hee.
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By Demian
Meanwhile, over in the music room, Orange April's attempting to teach Mercedes and T-T-T-Tina the subtle nuances of Divine's Shoplifting Sashay. Unfortunately, neither Mercedes nor T-T-T-Tina can keep the ground beef firmly pressed between her thighs, and what's more, neither girl sees the point of the exercise. "Your lack of imagination astounds me," Orange April sighs with a teasing smile on her face. "This is only the beginning! If you can master this, you can sneak anything out of a store between your knees." To demonstrate, she shoves a head of lettuce up her skirt and executes The Sashay perfectly. "Shoes, prom dresses...I once got a cake out of a kid's birthday party -- with the candles still lit!" Moments later, Mercedes and T-T-T-Tina stand in front of Mr. Schuester, ostentatiously sporting the jewelry, clothing, and accessories they've already managed to swipe. "She can stay," Mercedes grins. " T-T-T-Totally!" T-T-T-Tina agrees.
Meanwhile, over in the locker room, Gaylord Weiner and my glorious husband emerge from the steamy showers wearing broad, satisfied smiles on their faces and little else, followed by Orange April, whose wearing Puck's football jersey with a towel knotted turban-style around her head. Atta girl. Moments later, Puck's giving Mr. Schuester an enthusiastic thumbs-up as he, Gaylord Weiner, and Butt Lunch escort Orange April through the hallway. Mr. Schue seems pleased.
Over in a rehearsal space that's far too fancy to be found in a high school, Sandy's putting Rachel through her "Cabaret" paces, and I gotta tell ya, Rachel Berry is no Liza Minnelli. Sandy shares my opinion, for he spends the entire number rolling his eyes and shouting "I'm gonna barf!" and "Boring!" and "This is a disaster!" and "No, no, no, no, NO!" in Rachel's face. "I don't know what you want!" she finally cries. "I know what I don't want," Sandy sneers, fluttering his hands up and down Rachel's body as he continues, "and it is all of this!" "What this show needs," he announces to the room in general, "is a star with a little bit more maturity!" Holding her ground, Rachel accuses Sandy of sandbagging her so he can play Sally Bowles himself, and that is something I think we all need to see immediately. Sandy Ryerson in garters and a bowler singing "Mein Herr"? Yes, please. In any event, Rachel vows she's not going anywhere, and flounces into the commercial break before Sandy can make another snide remark.
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By Demian
Rachel, staring straight into the camera, appropriately intense: "I'm sleeping with him." Finn, same, inappropriately elated: "So am I!" Frankenteen then breaks character to frown, "This play is weird!" because he and Rachel are not, in fact, both having sex with my glorious husband, but are instead running lines for the musical. Rachel confides that Finn's last line is Sandy's favorite before complimenting Finn on his mad acting skillz, and suggesting he join the musical. Finn turns on the charm again, such as his is, and replies that he can't do Glee and the play at the same time, though if Rachel returned to the club, he might consider it. He then suggests they go bowling together so Rachel can alleviate some of the stress she's feeling at the moment, and it sounds an awful lot like he's asking her on a date, and Rachel's about to hyperventilate when Will arrives in the music room with Orange April so the latter might learn the cues for "Don't Stop Believing." Of course, Rachel's crushed to learn Orange April's usurping her signature number, but Mr. Schue quite correctly points out that Rachel's no longer in the club, so she gathers up her scripts and makes to leave, but Will calls out to guilt-trip at the last minute, "We're all really excited to see the play. Make sure you save us a seat in the front row." Rachel twitches, then flounces out the door while Finn gazes after her, looking sad. Or confused. Something like that. Orange April plants herself at the grand piano and trills a scale: "Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi!" Finn shakes himself out of his temporary funk to join in: "You, you, you, you, you, you, you!" and yeah, that's an incredibly cheap joke, but I'm laughing at it, anyway. Deal.
Out in the hall, Emma sports yet another adorable outfit as she smiles her way past a raccoon-eyed and disheveled Kurt. She sniffs suspiciously at the air, and spins to confront him. He's barely able to focus on her face as she eyebrows, "I'm a girl who knows her solvents, and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol." "Oh, Bambi!" Kurt whimpers. "I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy!" And then he vomits on her feet. HA! Emma squeals in horrified disgust, and the thing we know, she's...
...gingerly tiptoeing into the teachers' lounge, having changed into yet another adorable outfit. "Hey, Em," Will greets her. "I'm just trying to figure out the set list for Saturday..." "I just got back from the emergency room," Emma interrupts. "Had them give me four decontamination showers -- I think they call that 'The Full Silkwood.'" Heh. She explains what happened, noting, "He's not really fessing up to how he got the booze just yet, but I'm pretty sure it's not a fake ID, because he looks like an eleven-year-old milkmaid." HA! Emma believes Orange April's responsible, as "her backpack's always clinking with empties." She also chastises Will regarding the path he's led the Glee Club down since Orange April returned to school. "We have obligations as teachers," she reminds him, "to give kids opportunities for growth and enrichment, and with April in Glee, you're taking away a kid's chance to grow, and you're giving it to someone whose brain is soaked in corn booze." Point to Miss Pillsbury. Will argues...something self-serving that I really don't care about, because Kristin Chenoweth's a single-episode guest star, so Orange April will likely never be seen again after tonight, so whatever. Emma asks him to think -- really, really think -- about what he's doing, and with that, she takes her leave. Will pouts.
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By Demian
Over in that rehearsal space that's far too fancy to be found in a high school, Rachel's fallen into her own personal hell as Sandy Ryerson screams -- in slow motion -- "Yooooooouuuuuuu SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" and the thing we know, Rachel's hidden herself away in the ladies' for a good, long cry. Aw. Yeah, she's can be an overbearing, shrill pain in the ass a lot of the time, but still: Aw. In any event, Rachel stifles the tears as soon as she hears the door squeaking open, and it's Orange April, who lets loose with a couple of aws herself. "Tough day at the office, cookie?" she asks, kindly. Rachel babbles something delusional and self-serving about the difficult path one as talented as she must follow through life, and Orange April responds by wondering if Rachel's got any Nyquil, as Orange April needs a little pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the afternoon. Rachel stares like Orange April's just farted on her best dress. Orange April shrugs it off and, while adding to the already heavy eyeliner caked to her lids with a pencil she yanks from her purse, conversationally remarks, "These high school boys are a lot hotter than they used to be -- that Finn Hudson is one cutie pie I gots my eye on!" Rachel, naturally, freaks and, with that massive pole she's got rammed up her butt at all times stiffening her spine, haughtily and loudly lectures, "I think your behavior is totally inappropriate, and your presence in this school a complete travesty! What you choose to do with your life is your own business, but don't go around screwing up everyone else's!" Orange April -- who's got chunks of girls like Rachel in her stool, bless -- levels her eyes on her prissy little would-be rival and states, "I'm not afraid of you, sweetie." She lowers her volume even more, and almost whispers, "There was a time when I was the biggest star around here, and now that I've got that back? I'm never letting it go!" With that, she grabs her purse and hums her merry way out of the can. Meanwhile, Rachel's nervous breakdown continues apace.
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By Demian
Lima Lanes. "I Wanna New Drug" grinds onto the soundtrack as Rachel gags at the thought of sticking her fingers in a used ball. Finn pshaws at her concerns, sets her up with the garish pink one from the rack of availables, and offers her some words of advice regarding her aim and her arm, but it's all for naught, as she gutters on her first throw. "You sure this is your first time?" he jokes, putting her at ease, and it's cute and sweet and BORING, and oh, look! There's Orange April, bowling a strike a couple of lanes down! What are the odds? Will, who of course is there with her, cheers and says, "See what you can accomplish when you're sober?" "'Sober'?" Orange April snorts. "I'm rolling on a fistful of horse tranquilizers -- I can't feel my lips! Y'know, I think I'm gonna keep these shoes!" Atta girl. Will sighs, and sits Orange April down to tell her he's concerned she's a bad influence on the Glee Club. If she doesn't shape up, she's out. Orange April immediately vows to get back on the wagon, and Will -- moron that he so often is -- takes her at her word. Will then slyly slides a reference the episode's title into conversation when he admits, "I have to tell you something: Of all the roads I've never travelled in my life, the one I regret the most was never getting the chance to sing with you." Orange April's genuinely moved by his confession, so she drags him into the alley's bar for a shot at the karaoke machine. And the song they select? "Alone" by Heart, and oh, sweet Jesus, this takes me back. Mainly to all the Fat Ann Wilson jokes that were circulating my senior year in high school, but still. (I'll start one for you: Why were Heart's concert tickets so expensive? Go nuts. My favorite answer involved the forklift they needed to haul her around onstage.) Needless to say, it goes over very well with the Lima Lanes regulars, but the sound editor for this segment should be taken out and shot, because rare is it that Kristin Chenoweth's lips synch up to the words she's supposedly singing. Oh, well.
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By Demian
Meanwhile, at the other end of the alley, Finn and Rachel enjoy some delicious-looking pizza featuring pepperoni imported from Michigan. The topic of conversation eventually swings around to Glee Club, as it must, and Finn tells Rachel how much everyone misses her. "I love Glee," Rachel confesses, "but I just don't see the point in wasting my energies on someplace I'm not appreciated." "I appreciate you," Finn immediately replies, and...awkward because of the painful crush and the clandestine makeout session and the premature ejaculation and the pregnant girlfriend who's actually carrying my glorious husband's love child and everything, so Finn leaps to his feet and offers Rachel her last ball in order to gloss it all over. Adding insult to injury is the Psychedelic Furs song now being piped through the alley sound system, but Rachel gamely rises to give bowling one last try, and wouldn't you know it? She gets a strike. They're -- how shall I put this? -- gleeful at this turn of events, so Rachel vaults herself up into his arms for a hug that quickly turns into a kiss, and...awkward again, some more, until Finn breaks their sudden, shocked silence by blurting out, "Come back to Glee!" Rachel's all, "What about your girlfriend?" but Finn lies that he doesn't know where the Quinn thing is going, and he wants to spend time with Rachel now. Elated, she immediately vows to quit Cabaret to rejoin the club, and they hug once again, but the instant she can no longer see him, Finn lets his face fall straight into the commercial break.
"Maybe Quinn is lactose intolerant," Kurt whispers, all gossipy in the music room with T-T-T-Tina and Mercedes. "That doesn't explain all the crying," Artie sagely notes. "Are you all that stupid?" my glorious and eavesdropping husband duhs from across the room. "Seriously!" he continues. "I bet you thought Bert and Ernie were just roommates!" and that's the second reference to Bert and Ernie's suspect sexuality in less than a week for me, and as the first reference came courtesy of TV's newest Ambiguously Gay Duo, I'll be taking it as a sign that my glorious husband will be coming out of the closet sometime during November sweeps, partly because I am almost as delusional as Rachel, but mainly because I can, so there. Puck finally drops the pregnancy bomb, and generalized consternation abounds. Incidentally, there are a couple of silent-yet-telling reaction shots featuring Santana Lopez, so I'm betting she already knows the entire story, and thus knows that Puck is lying when he tells everyone that Finn is the father. And at this worst of all possible moments, Rachel bounces into the room to announce, "Yes, you heard right! I'm returning to Glee Club!" My glorious husband just rolls his eyes at her and spins out of the room with his guitar while the others break into small huddles to pick apart Puck's news, completely ignoring Rachel in the process. "This is a hot. Damn. Mess!" Mercedes hisses at Kurt while Santana Lopez immediately turns to Britney with a faux-shocked "Oh. My. God!" Hee. Rachel, of course, wonders what gives, and I'm sure the look on her face when she finds out would break my heart. If I had one.
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By Demian
Meanwhile, now that Rachel's back in Glee Club, Frankenteen's dropping off a scholarship application much to the adorably attired Emma's delight, and he lurches off down the hallway with a goofy grin on his face until a furious Rachel calls out his name, hastily erects a small platform in the middle of the hallway so she can reach his head with her hand, shimmies herself all the way up to the top of the thing, and smacks the living crap out of him. "LIAR!" she seethes. "Why didn't you tell me Quinn was pregnant?" "I haven't been totally honest with you," Finn protests, "but that's different than lying!" Seems reasonable to me. Anyway, they yell and splutter and bumble at each other for a while, but all you really need to know is that Rachel quits the Glee Club, again, some more, and flounces off down the hallway, where she runs into...Sue Sylvester! Hi, Sue! Damn, I knew this episode was missing something. In any event, Rachel storms her furious little self up to Sue and blares, "We have to talk! If you'd like me to return to the musical, changes need to be made." "I couldn't agree with you more," Sue nods. "You know, when I heard Sandy wanted to write himself into a scene as Queen Cleopatra, I was aroused, then furious." HA! "I hereby grant you complete artistic control," she tells Rachel with a smile. "Congratulations, kiddo! You now have everything you could possibly want -- isn't it a great feeling?" Rachel grins back at Sue, but the instant Miss Sylvester's gone, Rachel's grin collapses, and she stands alone in the hallway, looking a bit shell shocked.
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By Demian
Saturday evening. Tinkles leads the Glee Club minus Orange April through a vocal warm-up until Mr. Schuester arrives with news of a sold-out auditorium. The kids (and Tinkles, for that matter) are somewhat gaudily attired in Western gear, but nothing comes close to the garishness of just-arriving Orange April's hot pink and gold cowgirl costume. She's obviously sauced, and mauls my more than willing glorious husband before honking Kurt's nose until Will pulls her aside to bitch, "You promised me you'd sober up for this!" "When? Last night?" Orange April mumbles. "I was drunk! You can't hold me to that!" And again: Seems reasonable to me. She playfully straightens Will's tie, stumbles against the grand piano, and launches into a vocal warm-up of her own just as Emma arrives, and my God, but I want to marry this woman's clothes. Barely glancing in Orange April's direction, Emma drags Will out into the hallway to inform him that Orange April nearly ran her over in the parking lot. "You can't let her go on in her condition." "If she doesn't go on," Will counters, "none of the kids can." Emma lays yet another guilt trip on his unreasonably curly head, but neither Will nor we have time for that at the moment because...
...Principal Figgins is introducing New Directions to a wildly appreciative audience. The curtain rises, and the kids plus Orange April stand silhouetted against a cactus- and sagebrush-bedecked backdrop for a moment before kicking into Carrie Underwood's "Last Name," which -- in the grand tradition already long-established on this show -- is both wildly inappropriate for high school students to be performing and delirious amounts of fun. The choreography owes much to Madonna's "Don't Tell Me" video, and Artie, God love him, gets a very special moment live onstage when the number ends with Orange April standing on his wheelchair's armrests, and between his glasses and her fringe-trimmed skirt, I'm reminded of a seminal Broadway classic I'm certain Rachel hates, because there are no roles in it for her. Predictably, the crowd goes nuts at the end, rising as one to its feet to cheer and applaud, and as the kids plus Orange April -- especially Orange April -- bask in the adulation, the camera cuts over to Rachel, hiding in the back of the auditorium looking miserable. Poor princess.
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By Demian
We return from the final commercial break to find Will cooling his heels outside the ladies', where Orange April'd gone to tinkle away some of the hairspray she Kitty Dukakised earlier in the evening. Long story short, Orange April broke her promise to Will, and he therefore cannot allow her to return to the stage. Surprisingly enough, Orange April's fine with that. "It didn't feel right," she explains to him. "I got that standing ovation, Will, and it felt amazing, like every bad decision I'd ever made just went away, and I was back in the game. But then I look over, and I see these sweet faces of these kids, and I think, 'I'm hoggin' their sunshine! It's their turn now, not yours.'" She gets a little emotional as she concludes, "They're so lucky to have you because you won't let what happened to me ever happen to any of them!" But, you know, it's probably just the Listerine talking. They joke about her taking the act down to Branson, and as the opening vamp of "Maybe This Time" plays softly underneath, April Rhodes walks out of Will's life once again, presumably this time for good.
Music room. The kids are still on a collective high thanks to that standing ovation, so of course Will has to wander in to piss all over their parade by announcing that the rest of the evening's presentation has been cancelled. Fortunately, Rachel's been lurking in the hallway, and she enters to offer both an apology and her services. Of course, because she's Rachel, she's a tad obnoxious and socially tone-deaf about it all, but still. Applaud her for trying, I suppose, and for realizing that "being a star didn't make [her] feel as special as being [their] friend." Santana Lopez's eyeroll at this "friend" bullshit is delicious. Nevertheless, Rachel's quit the musical, and now wants to rejoin Glee. "I know all the words to the song," she notes, arguing for her inclusion. "You don't know the choreography," Quinn immediately shoots back, much to Santana Lopez's delight. "Then we're gonna have to give her a lot of help out there," Finn smiles. Will tells her to suit up, and we're off to...
...the auditorium for The Song. As in, The Song Everyone Has Been Waiting To See Since That Clip From The Upfronts Leaked Onto YouTube Over The Summer. I'm speaking, of course, of Queen's "Somebody To Love," and while it's truncated from the longer version that's been available on iTunes the last few weeks, it still takes up the final two and a half minutes of the episode. And that's...pretty much all I have to say about it, honestly. It's not my favorite Queen song (that would be "Under Pressure," followed by "Bohemian Rhapsody," followed by "We Are The Champions," followed by "Fat Bottomed Girls," with special places in my heart for "I Want To Break Free" because of the video, and "Flash" because of the horrendous movie), and Frankenteen is -- literally -- lurching through the choreography, and because Finn and Rachel are the supposed It couple on this show, the verses featuring vocals from Artie, Puck, and T-T-T-Tina have been excised, and all Mercedes gets to do is sing one little line, but because Mercedes fucking nails that one little line, she deserves a special round of applause all her very own. You go, girl. And in the end, all of the kids hit their final notes while reaching for the sky -- which I suppose is now their signature move in much the same way the Adrenalines clasp their hands and drop their heads -- and the camera soars past them to fade into black.
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By Demian
week: I'm not positive, but I do believe Kurt will be singing selections from Bon Jovi and Usher. It promises to be gruesome.
Demian tends not to be too fond of winners, either. You may reach him at demian_twop@yahoo.com.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see what vloggers Val and Beth thought of Glee's big tease in TV is the Answer.
Watch this entire episode right here:
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