By LTG
I hope everybody had a nice summer. If you followed my suggestion and watched The Choir on BBC America, then I know you had at least one good night each week all summer long. You know how they advertised it as a real-life Glee? It really kind of was, right down to the stock of characters. Choirmaster Gareth Malone, of course, filled in for Will (and, as I hoped, did not rap once). But there were also jocks that needed to be blackmailed into singing, sassy black divas, gay teenagers finding confidence to be themselves through song, mean girls whose rough exterior was revealed to be a cover for their insecurities, bad boys scheming to get dates, and even one special-needs little girl who stole everybody's heart. (She's the Brit-Brit of the show, if you couldn't guess.) There was no Sue and no Rachel, and nobody gave birth during any episodes. But it otherwise completely satisfied my need for Glee during the long hot summer.
But now it's fall, and we're ready to go back to school. You already know everything that's discussed during the previouslies, but it's worth noting that the announcer dude focuses less on how happy everybody was that the club got another year and much more on how unhappy they were that they lost at Regionals. So that's the frame of mind they'd like us to be in. So put on your sad faces.
Aaaaand we start right in with a handheld video shot of Jacob ben Israel, who is also and forever will be known as Jewfro. He's shooting a video clip on "Glee's Big Gay Summer," bringing us, and the readers of his blog, up to date on all the latest happenings. I really do wonder what his blog is called. Anyway, Jewfro begins by cornering Rachel and Finn, asking Rachel how she responds to rumors that she's hard to work with. Finn starts to answer in his capacity as Rachel's boyfriend, but she cuts him off to let everyone know that they've been dating all summer. Finn describes Rachel as a "controllist," and she quickly corrects him before agreeing that she is, indeed, controlling, because performing means so much to her. "And does my constant need to express my opinions annoy my fellow Glee Clubbers?" Finn, in a choked whisper: "Yes." And then he realizes that he lost track of what he was saying inside his head and what he was saying out loud.
Jewfro charges into the music room, where Will is sorting some sheet music. Jewfro: "How do you respond to a recent post on my blog [ mckinleyhighwithoutpity.com?] saying that your Glee Club music selections sound like they come from a drag queen's iPod?" Will says that he tries to do something for everybody: "25% show tunes, 25% hiphop, 25% classic rock..." Jewfro: "100% gay!"
By LTG
Now we're in the locker room, where Puck confirms that it's true that he went ahead and got a vasectomy to avoid knocking up any more Celibacy Club members. Although he's willing to share intimate details of his reproductive system with us, he's not so open with his heart -- when Jewfro asks if it's true that he's still not over Quinn, Puck pulls a Sean Penn and shuts the camera down, hard.
Hallway lockers. Jewfro asks Quinn how she's doing now that she's given up her bastard child. With the poise of a pageant queen, Quinn tells him that she's happy to be back and ready to start fresh. And then tells the world that there'll be a lot less crying now that she's not so hormonal. Jewfro stares at Santana's breasts while asking her how her summer was. Santana: "My eyes are up here, Jewfro." Shout-out? Also, Santana's breasts do appear to be larger than usual in this scene. Which is to say that she has breasts in this scene, unlike every other female wearing a Cheerio's uniform. How do those tops make every Cheerio look like she has the body of a 10-year old boy? And then Brit-Brit tells us how her summer was: "People thought I went on vacation, but actually I spent the summer lost in the sewers." Quinn and Jewfro are both left perplexed by that.
Jewfro harangues Tina and Mike Chang as they walk down the hallway together, asking them to respond to the rumors that they're dating. Tina: "Because we're both Asian? That's racist." But as they walk past him, the camera catches the two of them take each other's hands as they turn the corner. And then catches Artie coming around the corner in the opposite direction, looking forlornly back at Asian and Other Asian.
Will's office. Jewfro: "Did you know there's a forum on my blog [ bitterbutbenisrael.com?] that's begging you to stop rapping?" Will is stunned to hear it. Jewfro chases Kurt down the hall, asking him, "When will you Glee Clubbers accept the fact that people hate you because they think you're nothing but a glorified karaoke club designed to make the inventors of Autotune millions of dollars?" As he asks the question, Kurt just keeps telling him to go away, and then loses him at the door of the men's room. I will assume that Jewfro didn't follow him in there because his unseen camera person is Ms. Lauren Tuna, wrestler, old maid, AV Club president, and biter of necks.
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By LTG
And then we get a quick montage of Jewfro asking questions of various Glee Club members. To Will: "When exactly did you ink your sponsorship with Land's End?" To Rachel (who is lost in the camera's loving gaze): "When are you slated to make your triumphant return to the Shire?" To Mike Chang: "How do you get the white on rice?" To Quinn: "What did you do with all that breast milk?"
And then Kurt emerges from the bathroom and gives a speech that seems directed, at, well, us. You and me. "You know what, Jacob? It doesn't take much courage for people to park their cottage-cheese behinds in their barcaloungers, and log onto the internet and start tearing people down, does it? But you know what does take some courage? Standing up and singing about something. So here's a message for everyone that reads your blog [gleekette.com?]: time, instead of posting an anonymous comment online, say what you have to say to my face." Kurt, I'll have you know that it takes a lot of courage to sit in my barcalounger, because it has a couple of broken springs that can be very painful if you sit on them the wrong way. Also, my behind is more the consistency of Greek yogurt than cottage cheese. Also also, we love you too, showrunners. However, someone does not love Kurt, as he gets a face full of red slushy at that exact moment, from the hand of one of the football jocks that tormented him last year. Kurt, with quiet dignity, wipes the corn syrup and ice from his eyes and asks if Jewfro might consider cutting out that last part. Jewfro, who knows Youtube gold when he sees it, will not. And then he reaches out, picks up a large piece of red ice from Kurt's lapel, and eats it. Title card.
It's activity sign-up time at McKinley High. We see a bulletin board covered with sign-up sheets for the Mock U.N., Chemistry Club, Fruit Sculpture Club, and Gardening Club, all covered with dozens of names from interested students. And then there's the Glee Club sign-up sheet, which reads "New Directions: No Tryouts. Just Sign Up!" And not a single student has signed. And then there's the sign-up sheet for Cheerios tryouts, which is about a hundred pieces of paper on a clipboard with a sign above it reading "No Fatties!" And a long line of girls already in Cheerios uniforms signing up.
Sue walks up to the board to find Will looking at this empty sign-up sheet with some concern. With much less derision in her voice than she usually has when speaking to Will, she asks him why he's so glum. Will thinks that since Nationals are in New York City this year, the list will fill up in no time. Of course, that assumes that the club that came in third at Regionals last year will even make it to Nationals. Sue tells him the problem is his little "no auditions" policy. Sue: "Nobody wants to be part of a club just anybody can join." And then she shows him an official looking document: "See this? Court summons, child endangerment. There's been a line of would-be Cheerios out there since late July. I guess they lost their humanity a little bit. One girl ate a pigeon. Several others started worshipping a possum carcass as their lord. That's how much they want to be Cheerios." But Will is sticking with his no-auditions policy. Sue: "I like being friends with you Will, this is fun. You make not trying to destroy Glee Club easy. You know why? 'Cause you're doing such a bang-up job of it all by yourself." And then she gets a page -- Maharishi Figgins wants to see the two of them.
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By LTG
Maharishi's Bureau of Budget-Cutting. Sue is reacting to the news that the Cheerios' budget is being cut: "You can't cut my budget without written consent from the President of the Federal Reserve! It's in my contract!" Figgins thinks she can get by with two fewer confetti cannons. Will's also upset, but in that quiet, passive way he has -- Glee Club's budget is being cut by 10%, including funding for transportation to and from events. And then we hear a deep, velvety voice telling us that the cuts are mandated by the school district, which has decided that the way to build up alumni donations is to build a winning football team. That voice does not belong to Mel Tormé (which would have been a real coup for this show, in more ways than one). It's the new football coach, Ms. Shannon Beiste (who I sincerely hope does not seek to wreak her wrathful vengeance on me for misspelling her name in the recaplet). And let's just get this out of the way: this character is not a man in drag, nor is she (to my knowledge) a female-to-male transgendered person. Neither is the actor, a woman named Dot Jones. She's just a big, strong woman. The kind of woman who wins arm-wrestling and weightlifting competitions. The kind of woman who, due to Hollywood's short-sightedness, is always called on to play big scary women who are supposed to make men feel emasculated (women who are often just known as "nurse" or "prison guard." Although I'm pleased to see that she played a character named "Skittlez" on two episodes of Prison Break). Anyway, back to the scene at hand. Sue asks who this newcomer is and Ms. Beiste introduces herself.
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By LTG
Will asks what happened to Ken Tanaka. Instead of admitting that his dramatic possibilities had been exhausted once his romance with Emma was well and truly over, Figgins just tells Will that he had a nervous breakdown. Figgins tells them that if the football team starts drawing in alumni donations, he'll be able to restore money to Glee Club and the Cheerios. And since Ms. Beiste has just won five consecutive All-Missouri Conference titles, she stands a good chance of turning our Lima losers around. Sue gets into Beiste's face, starts by telling her that a female football coach, like a male nurse, is a sin against nature, and then tells her that nobody comes into Sue's house and steals from her. And that's when Beiste gets, um, beastly. She refers to herself in the third-person as "the Panther," and tells Sue to back on up out of her grill. Beiste: "You're all coffee and no omelet." Sue, with a twitch in one eye: "That doesn't make any sense." Will, in his offensively non-offensive way, asks the Panther to sympathize with them, since their budgets are being cut. He agrees with her that it's ridiculous that the Cheerios have a bigger budget than the football team they're supposed to be cheering for, but thinks she should show some pity for his tiny little band of misfit toys. But the Panther has no sympathy for losers, telling him that a losing club that wants more money "is a steer with six teats and no oink." And then she oinks in Sue's face. I think I just fell in love.
Glee Club. Will starts to read some of the negative comments from Jewfro's blog [dailyjewfro.com?], but the kids stop him. They don't care if everyone hates them, because they're now a family. But Will points out that since Matt Rutherford left, they need to recruit at least one new member to be able to compete. Wait, Matt who? Oh, he means Butt Munch! Come on, show, you can't just start making up new names for characters like that. But sure enough, now that I look I see that we're missing one black face. Will tells the kids, "We have to go from a small rebel force to a giant wall of sound." Rachel agrees, reminding them that she was the only one to see Vocal Adrenaline perform at Regionals (since everyone else went to the hospital for the fastest delivery in history), and that New Directions is going to need more voices to beat them. Finn stands up to Rachel, telling everyone, "Yeah, I'm with Rachel on this one." Brittany: "Gross." Hee. Will tells the kids that they need to show the school how cool New Directions can be with a song that was actually written and/or recorded sometime in the last five years.
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By LTG
So now we're at one of those fabulous outdoor lunch plazas that all Ohio schools are known for. The outdoor corridors usually lead right to them. Anyway, it's full of kids eating and milling about. The Glee Clubbers stealthily infiltrate the crowd in their black "New York City" t-shirts, turn on a massive boombox, and start performing Jay-Z's "Empire State of Mind." Artie, Finn, and Puck split up the rapping, everyone dances around, and Mercedes carries the "featuring Alicia Keys" portion of the song. Kurt's hair is gelled out to an insane degree (meaning he has about half as much product in it as Will normally uses). All of the other kids completely ignore them. Well, not quite all. Rachel notices one diminutive girl who appears to be of southeast Asian descent bobbing along to the music and mouthing some of the words, and Finn notices a blond hottie tapping his toe along with the music. Rachel and Finn each catch the eye of the person they notices, in what would easily qualify as a tie for the Gayest Look of the Episode, if we gave such awards on this show. The kids finish the song and are puzzled by the complete silence that greets them.
Will enters Sue's office. He's mad because after the Glee kids worked to hard to put on their little number for the school, their sign-up sheet was defaced with fake names: "Buttface McBallnuts, Assbraham Lincolon... They're not even funny!" Sue's offended, since she spent so much time thinking up those names. Sue tells Will this is a wake-up call, since if their budgets are cut, "you'll be cutting kids left and right." How does the budget affect the number of kids in Glee, exactly? Do they pay Tinkles by the number of voices? Is there a chair rental fee for rehearsals? Is it cheaper to take ten kids on a bus instead of twelve? Will, of course, asks no such questions, just taking Sue's word that budget-cutting will somehow lead to a reduction in the number of singers. Sue, I know you've done many dastardly things in the year we've known you, but I thought you were above taking advantage of the intellectually challenged like this. Sue invites Will to join her in an unholy alliance to take down Beiste. Don't do it, Will. You think you're getting half of Poland, but before you know it you've been invaded. By an army of Cheerios. But Will ignores my sound advice and agrees to work with Sue. Commercials.
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By LTG
Finn walks into an empty locker room while his voice-over entertains us. "I was really excited about my Glee Club recruitment poster design. I made it super masculine, just like these pamphlets I saw some army guys passing out at the daycare center." The poster features a camouflage background with a skull over a pair of crossed microphones, all under the slogan, "Glee Club: Sign Up, Bro!" Wait, were these pamphlets being handed out by army guys outside a daycare or by guys promoting Lima's newest leather bar? And then Finn hears a voice singing. It's the new blond kid that he saw tapping his toe at the performance earlier. He's a transfer student (the V.O. tells us), and he's singing "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." It is, of course, very much like the scene in the pilot where Will overheard Finn singing in the shower. Do they have some more pot sitting around to blackmail this kid into joining the club? V.O.: "I would have joined in with a kick-ass harmony, but the dude was naked." So Finn hightails it out of there before he ends up in a naked duet.
And then we see Rachel posting her recruitment poster in the girls' bathroom. It offers the chance to "Co-star with Rachel Berry and the New Directions." As she's putting up posters, the diminutive Southeast Asian kid enters the bathroom. She's listening to her iPod, and doesn't notice Rachel speaking to her at first. Which leads Rachel to assume that the girl, who is an exchange student from the Philippines, doesn't speak English. It's kind of understandable and kind of embarrassing. It quickly turns to entirely embarrassing as Rachel steamrolls right over the girl's protestation that she does, in fact, speak English and continues not only to speak slowly and loudly, but kind of like Frankenstein's monster: "You like me sing. You like me sing very much." You get the idea. After Rachel noticed her singing along to "Empire State of Mind" she started her stalking very efficiently, learning that the girl's name is Sunshine Corazon. Rachel assumes that her name is Sunshine because the sun always shines in the Philippines. Again, she steamrolls right over Sunshine's interjection that it's not so sunny during monsoon season. Rachel tells Sunshine that Glee Club needs members, "people to stand behind me and stare at me with wet moved eyes while I sing solos." So she encourages her to audition.
Sunshine says she'll think about it, probably to get away from the crazy racist white lady, and puts her earphones back in. And then she starts singing Lady Gaga's "Telephone." Rachel, who had walked away and dropped a flyer on the floor, slowly stands up when she hears that Sunshine is actually quite a good singer. That's because Sunshine is being played by Charice, star of the internet and Oprah's dreams. So Rachel starts singing along with her. For Rachel, this is a musical duel to the death. For Sunshine, it's an incredibly fun singalong in the girls' room. So Sunshine is all hearts and smiles while Rachel looks like she's about to break the bathroom mirror to fashion a crude knife. But they both sound pretty good. At least, what you can hear of them. The show starts on the electronification of their voices pretty fast. Which I know is consistent with the original song, but kind of frustrating when it's getting between us and the very nice voices of these two women. And then Sue walks into the bathroom and tells them to shut up. I imagine a long line of students who need to pee but are too scared to go into the girls' room until these two freaks stop their sing-off. Sunshine had a blast with the singing, and wants to audition for Glee Club. Rachel tells her she'll let her know where and when auditions are going to happen, and then she storms out of the bathroom.
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By LTG
Locker room. Beiste tears down Finn's recruitment posters, telling him that she's not cool with anybody on the team doing anything except exactly what she tells them. And what she's telling them now is that everybody's cut from the team and has to try out if they want a spot. And then a pizza guy walks in with 25 pizzas that he claims she ordered. Of course, she did not order any pizza. We see Will and Sue spying on this through a door that's cracked open. They can't stop laughing at their incredibly lame prank. I can't believe this is what Sue thought would drive Beiste away from the school. Is the plan to call and ask if her refrigerator's running? Anyway, the delivery guy tells Beiste that if she doesn't pay, the $250 for the pizzas will come out of his pay. She sees all the kids smirking and trying to hide their laughter. In the hallway, Sue is telling Will that a woman like Beiste, who is humorless and refers to herself in the third person will be driven crazy by this stunt. I know that sounds exactly like Sue, but Sue differentiates herself from Beiste -- the Panther is crazy because she refers to herself in the third person as an animal. And that makes all the difference. Back in the locker room, Coach Beiste reaches into her wallet and pays the guy. She tells the kids they're each required to eat four slices and then come to tryouts. "The first ten to puke are off the team." Will and Sue try to act natural as Beiste leaves the locker room. In this very humble voice she tells them there's pizza in the locker room if they want some. But she has a little smirk on her face as she walks away.
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By LTG
Finn's locker. Artie is trying to convince Finn to help him try out for the football team. He figures if Kurt can play, so can he. Finn: "Being gay isn't a handicap, Artie." But Artie's desperate to get on the team, so he can impress Tina. He admits to Finn that Tina dumped him for Mike Chang, after they worked together as counselors at Asian camp.
Smear sideways to Asian camp. A mob of ten-year olds are sitting on the floor, madly texting on their phones. Tina and Mike Chang are trying to introduce them to art and culture. So Tina's singing "Getting To Know You," while Mike Chang dances around in short-shorts and an open shirt. This makes perfect sense in the context of The King and I, but even if it didn't, I wouldn't mind. Because Mike Chang is ripped. The kids don't look up from their texting until the music stops and Tina and Mike Chang start making out. I'm not certain if this is what actually happened, or what Artie thinks happened. And I'm not sure which one would make me happier.
Back in the present, Finn asks what Tina said to Artie when she dumped him. Smear sideways again, to the cafeteria. Tina tells Artie that he's a great guy but a terrible boyfriend who ignored her for weeks during the summer. Artie thinks that was totally justified because he was trapped in a game of Halo. Tina tells him, "Mike tries to be into what I'm into. Like his abs." Back in the present, Finn wheels Artie around and tells him he really doesn't see how he could be on the football team. Artie thinks that if someone pushes him down the field, he can be like a human battering ram. It must not be Finn's turn to use the brain that he shares with Will and Brittany, because he decides that sounds like a great idea, and he agrees to help Artie. Finn sees the blond singing kid and introduces himself and Artie. The blond's name is Sam. And he has the biggest lips you've ever seen. Finn points out that since he's the quarterback, he's very cool, so Sam should consider joining Glee Club.
The straight men of Glee Club sit in the music room while Sam stands near the piano. Finn asks Sam to tell them about himself. While he talks about his love of comic books and sports, Puck can't stop staring at him. "Dude, your mouth is huge. How many tennis balls can you fit in there?" Can any human being fit even one tennis ball in their mouth? (Please don't send me pictures demonstrating that's possible.) Sam: "I don't know. I've never had any balls in my mouth. Have you?" This is the exact moment the show was paused in the home of every gay man in America, as we all needed to cool ourselves off. Finn and Artie decide they like Sam's confidence, although Artie thinks, "the Bieber cut's got to go." Anyway, Sam's never really sung in front of anyone, but he does know how to play guitar and tells them he'll sing Travie McCoy's "Billionaire." And they all join in with him. Along with the Glee Club quintet backing them up. And Mike Chang dances. They finish, and it's clear that Sam had a blast. So he agrees to come back and do it in front of the rest of the club. Commercials.
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By LTG
Kurt and Mercedes play around at the piano when Rachel comes in and tells them, "Ladies, we have a problem. There is a new student at this school named Sunshine who is a Filipina and is shorter than me, which I didn't think was possible and is very unnerving." Mercedes is wondering where she left her tranquillizer gun. But Rachel tells them that Sunshine has a remarkable voice. "I'm very worried. Not for myself, but for my lesser Glee Clubbers who don't get many solos." So she paid $100 to the same jock meatheads who always slushy them to slushy the three of them in front of Sunshine, so she'll see that it sucks to be in Glee Club and decide not to join. Rachel waits for their grateful praise, but they look at her aghast and Mercedes tells her that she's awful. Kurt notes that he and Mercedes are at the very top of the self-involvement scale, but they'd rather beat Vocal Adrenaline than get more solos, which means they need every good singer they can get. Rachel takes a breath, plasters on the fakest of fake smiles and tells them that they're right: "It's just so like me to be totally blinded by my concern for the two of you." Rachel tells them that she'll go see Sunshine and tell her that she's welcome to audition.
Cut to Rachel approaching Sunshine. She hands Sunshine a slip of paper and tells her it's the address for the auditions tomorrow. Oh, that wasn't fishy at all.
Teachers' lounge. Sue enters and sits at a table. She tells Will (sitting alone at the table behind her) that Beiste is on the way: "Operation Mean Girl is a go." I hope their new plan isn't to send Lindsay Lohan after Beiste. Because that's a little extreme. Then she tells the two other people sitting at her table that they have to leave. Beiste enters, and seeing every other table completely occupied (which was quite lucky for Sue's plan), asks Sue if the other chairs at her table are available. Sue tells her that they are occupied by the ghosts of hideous, lonely faculty members who met with an early demise because they tried to cross her. So Beiste approaches Will's table and asks him if she can sit there. Without nearly the style, panache, or personality of Sue, Will does the same thing. Beiste: "You think it's easy being a female football coach? You think I don't get this everywhere I go? Everyone told me Sue was the school bully and that you were really cool. I see they got that last part wrong, huh?" If they had said he was generally pleasant if kind of gormless they would have been right. But nobody who really knows Will Schuester would say he was "cool." Even this show has its limits when it comes to the suspension of disbelief.
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By LTG
Locker room. Coach Beiste is putting on some lipstick and crying. Just a little bit. The bell rings and players come in. She takes a deep breath and wipes the tears away. Puck asks if she's crying. Beiste: "Yeah. I saw your stats from last season and it really hurt my feelings." And then Finn wheels Artie in and tells Coach Beiste that he'd like to try out for the team. Already feeling attacked, she gets defensive immediately. She thinks he's trying to make her look bad in front of the entire team by making her say no to a kid in a wheelchair. So she kicks Finn off the team. And things kind of escalate. Artie tells the world he wants abs, which makes some kids laugh. Coach Beiste sees this and drags Finn off to the side, although they're both talking loud enough that everyone can hear them. Finn: "Dude, you're totally overreacting." She does not like being called "dude." Yeah, the Panther's a cat, not a dude. She yells at Finn, with a fairly scary voice, to get the hell out of the locker room. Sam has noticed both that the Coach went apeshit on Finn and that the other players didn't seem very supportive of their QB. I love Ryan Murphy for stuff like this -- he takes people who've had long careers kind of typecast in very superficial roles, and then puts them in the same kind of role but demonstrates that they can totally act the shit out of it. Like Mike O'Malley, always playing blue collar guys, and now knocking it out of the park as Kurt's blue collar dad. Or Dot Jones, always cast as a kind of placeholder character because of her size and her voice, and then he gives her this kind of meaty stuff that doesn't just involve making the audience feel sympathetic towards a prison inmate. And she's just amazing in this episode. Oh, while I've been pontificating, some commercials have been playing.
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By LTG
Hey, it's Cheerios tryouts. Becky is sitting to Sue as her right-hand woman. The person to audition is Quinn, in a red top and jeans. Sue tells her "no" right away. Sue clearly feels betrayed by Quinn. Quinn demonstrates why she ran the school before getting pregnant, telling Sue that she can probably get funding to replace her confetti cannons from church groups if she demonstrates that she's trying to help a fallen soul like Quinn get back on the straight and narrow. Don't those church groups have anti-gay ballot initiatives to fund? Come on, us gay people aren't gonna just oppress ourselves. Sue asks for the candidate. Quinn smiles a little, but I have no idea if she thinks she got a yes from Sue. Oh, and the person is wearing black socks with sneakers, and puts down a boom box on the floor. Becky: "Oh my gosh, coach."
Smear sideways to Will's office. Sue has just recounted the story of Finn's audition (because that was his black-sock-clad foot we saw). Back in the gym, Finn does a totally spastic audition to Snap's "The Power." Sue and Becky look on in horror. Becky: "Am I dreaming? Is this happening?" In Will's office, he asks Sue why Finn tried out for the Cheerios. In the gym, we learn that it's because he needs something other than being the quarterback to maintain his popularity. Becky: "This is really embarrassing." Finn, in his best job application voice, tells Sue that he hopes she'll consider him.
And now we're in the Maharishi's Fortress of Follow-Through, where Will is asking Figgins and Beiste why Finn would get kicked off the football team just for asking if Artie could try out. Well, if you put it logically like that, Will. Beiste tells Will that Finn was insubordinate twice, which is all it takes to get kicked off the team. Will begs the Panther to give Finn a second chance. Beiste: "You mean don't make a snap judgment about him? Don't make his life miserable because I assume he's a certain way?" Yes, I think that is exactly what Will is asking. Oh, I see, this is a lesson Will is supposed to learn. Will asks the coach not to take Will's stupidity out on Finn. Beiste just asks Figgins if she can leave. Since nobody in that room would be able to stop her, Figgins lets her go. And Finn is still off the team.
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By LTG
Santana and her slightly padded bra are in Sue's office. Sue tells her that she learned that Santana got a boob job over the summer, in clear violation of Sue's no-plastic-surgery policy. Sue delivers a very earnest PSA about the stupidity of plastic surgery for teenage girls whose bodies are not even done developing. Also, "it's very distracting. I can't take my eyes off them. I'm actually talking to them right now." Santana doesn't get what the big deal is, but Sue tells her that the boob job is a sign that Santana lacks the self-esteem to be head cheerleader. "Quinn will replace you. Oh, and Boobs McGee? You're demoted to the bottom of the pyramid, so when it collapses your exploding sandbags will protect the squad from injury. Now take your juicy, vine-ripened chestfruit and get the hell out of my office." I'm guessing they were running a little short on pages for this episode so they just threw a couple of pages from an old Nip/Tuck episode in with the others. Because that's the only way this subplot makes sense to me.
Cut to Quinn donning her battle armor for a first time in a long time. By which I mean her breathable polyester Cheerios uniform and tight, tight ponytail. Hands on her hips, she sashays around the corner and down the hallway like the queen bee that she is. Until Santana hits her from the side and slams her up against the lockers. Girl fight! Santana accuses Quinn of telling Sue about her "summer surgery." Quinn: "You have a surgery when you get your appendix out. You. Got. A. Boob. Job!" Santana agrees that she did, and by way of confirmation delivers a slap to Quinn's face. Quinn: "You can't hit me." Santana: "Oh sure I can, unless you got yourself knocked up again, slut!" They fight and shove and pull hair. A crowd has formed around them. At the front of the crowd is poor little Brit-Brit, who tells them, in her best monotone, "Stop the violence." And then Will, the only teacher in the school, breaks up the fight. He asks them what happened to being a family. Santana: "Oh please, she has a family, she's a mother." Quinn, screaming: "Walk away! And tighten up your pony before you get to class!" Santana, who never loses sight of her real priorities, tightens up that pony as she walks away. Commercials.
Music room. The entire Glee Club is waiting to see who will show up to audition. Auditions end at 5:00, but everyone stomps out at 4:58. Finn is certain Sam will show up, since Sam idolizes him. Kurt, who appears to be wearing a leather harness over his white shirt, tells him to get over his massive ego. And Rachel tells them that Sunshine must have changed her mind.
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By LTG
Figgins is holding a little Cheerios rag doll that looks an awful lot like Brittany, complete with yarn ponytail. And there she is, sitting on the couch. Figgins asks Brit-Brit, "Show us on the doll where Coach Beiste touched you." Brit indicates the breasticular area. Sue's sitting to Brit, and the Panther is there as well. Coach Beiste thinks the accusation is outrageous. Sue agrees; she recommends immediate termination. Is that it? No hobbling? Public flogging? Ten days in the stocks? Just a simple firing? Sue's lost her edge. Will enters. For what reason? Because he's the only other teacher at the school, obviously. He asks what's going on, and Sue tells him that Brittany has accused Beiste of some inappropriate touching. She delivers this news with an enormous wink. So Will sits down to Brit-Brit and tells her that it's really important that she tell the truth. Somehow, Sue has lost her hypnotic grip our poor little Brit, because she confesses that she made the whole thing up. "Coach Beiste didn't touch my boobs. Actually, I really wanted to touch her boobs."
Everybody leaves the Maharishi's office. Brit-Brit is clutching the Cheerios doll tightly to her chest. Hee. Sue chases after Will and calls him weak. They're about to throw down when Tina and Mike Chang interrupt and tell him it's important they speak to him right away. Sue takes her anger out on various innocent students walking by.
Cut to Will, Tina, and Mike Chang looming over Rachel. They're very upset with her because she sent Sunshine to a crack house at the time of the audition. In the West Lima crack district, I presume. Rachel is quick to note that it was an inactive crack house. Tina points out, correctly, that Rachel is "an ambitious little freak who will do anything to hold on to her power." Once again Rachel pulls out the "I did it because I love you all so much" card. She claims that she doesn't want any new members. Which means she's fine forfeiting every competition? She tells Tina and Mike that if it turns out that Sunshine can dance, their contributions to the Glee Club will be reduced to nothing. Will tells Rachel to make it right. Really, you're going to trust her to speak to Sunshine again? I guess you have to actually get someone killed before Will stops trusting you.
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By LTG
Rachel chases Sunshine down in the hallway and apologizes for sending her to the crack house. They should really make a card for these occasions. I guess the crack house wasn't so inactive, because the denizens therein stole Sunshine's sheet music and used it for toilet paper. Rachel promises to replace the sheet music if Sunshine will just come to the auditorium at 4:00 tomorrow. If I were Sunshine, I'd bring a couple of bodyguards with me. Maybe swallow some kind of GPS transmitter so the police can find the body.
And now it's 4:00 tomorrow. Sunshine, with the full Glee Club quintet behind her, introduces herself and tells them, "I'll be singing 'Listen' from the movie Dreamgirls." The entire Glee Club is in the audience. Rachel turns to everyone else and reminds them that Dreamgirls was on Broadway before it was a movie. [Though "Listen" was from the movie, not original from the show, so Rachel is just sounding even more obnoxious and ignorant than normal. -- Angel] They all "shhhh" her, except for Puck, who just tells her to shut up. And then Sunshine does a great job with the song. As the other kids get into it, you can see more and more panic on Rachel's face. Finn also has a panicked look on his face -- probably because he knows he'll have to deal with Rachel's breakdown after this is all over. When Sunshine finishes, everyone applauds and Will welcomes her to the Glee Club. Commercials.
Teachers' lounge. Will asks the Panther if he can join her at her table. She doesn't say a word, so he sits there anyway. He apologizes to her, telling her that he realizes now that he made her feel like an outsider, which is how he's always felt as a gleek. With a womanly sniff, she accepts his apology and they shake hands. And then Sue walks over to them with a tray and offers them a cookie as a peace offering. Will and the Panther start gagging over the stench, and Beiste asks Sue, "Are those dog poop cookies?" Sue claims that what they're smelling is the flaxseed oil she used because she's trying to look out for the health of the obese members of the faculty. Will tells her to back off, and Sue asks him if he's really turning on her in public. "The two of you are making a very serious mistake today, the likes of which has not been seen since the Mexican Indians sold Manhattan to George Washington for an upskirt photo of Betsy Ross." I see Sue's been studying those new Texas history books. Sue departs, leaving the dog poop cookies on the table. If Emma knew about those cookies, she would never be able to enter the teachers' lounge again.
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By LTG
Finn enters the locker room. Conveniently, everybody else leaves except for Sam. Finn asks him and his pretty, pretty mouth why he didn't show up for the audition. Sam tells him that he wanted to, but after seeing how the coach and the other players treated Finn, he decided he couldn't take the risk of becoming an object of scorn and derision. Yeah, Finn, he's new -- let him spend at least a few months at the school before everybody hates him. Oh, and also he's the new quarterback.
Hallway. Will walks up to Sunshine, who is at her locker, to give her the rehearsal schedule. And then we hear the sweet, sweet voice of Mr. Cheyenne Jackson. He's standing to Sunshine, emptying out her locker. He tells Will that Sunshine won't be joining the Glee Club. Because he's the new coach of Vocal Adrenaline, and he's recruited Sunshine away. Their booster club is so fantastically rich and powerful that they were able to not only give Sunshine and her mother a condo, they were able to get her mother a green card. I know a couple of Canadians who probably wish they were fictional high school singers right now. Will's stunned -- he doesn't even know how Vocal Adrenaline learned about Sunshine. It was Sue, of course, who admits it as she comes walking down the hall. Sunshine says that she would have stayed, but she was worried that Rachel would make her life a living hell. Then Sunshine leaves. Cheyenne Jackson walks behind her, with her Hello Kitty backpack daintily slung over one shoulder.
Hallway. Finn is coming back from... some discussion with the other Glee Club members? I guess? At which they decided that Rachel should be allowed to live, even though her stupidity resulted in the loss of Sunshine for the club and the strengthening of Vocal Adrenaline through the addition of Sunshine's tiny frame and big voice. Finn is as angry as any member of the club. Rachel tells him to just go ahead and break up with her, since she's now a social pariah even among the tiny group of people who were her friends. But he thinks she should break up with him because he's no longer the quarterback. Do they really think so little of themselves that neither of them believes they're dating because they actually like each other? Rachel lets Finn know that she does like him, and doesn't want to break up with him. And he doesn't want to break up with her. And then she claims she did what she did out of love for everyone else. Finn calls her on her bull and tells her to admit that she did it not because she loved the club but because she loves herself. She acknowledges that she loves the spotlight too much to give it up. He thinks she should apologize to the club, but she needs some alone time in the auditorium first.
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By LTG
Which means a big dramatic solo! Rachel sings "What I did for Love" from A Chorus Line. Which, as you may or may not know, is about the love of stardom and performing, not the love of some dude. After Rachel sings her way down the hall and onto the stage, we get a brief montage. Tina and Mike Chang dancing while Artie looks on, Quinn talking with Sue while Santana suffers at the bottom of the pyramid, and Rachel looking in on the music room while the other kids have fun without her. Fade to black.
week, it's Britney Spears. Thank goodness that one's for Demian.
LTG lives in Washington, DC, where he's a full-time pension attorney and a part-time sewer spelunker. You can e-mail him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.
Check out this proposed list of unconventional Glee guest stars.
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