By Demian
Previously on Glee: Nothing, apparently, likely because the impending Madonnathon has little to do with anything that's ever happened before on this show, an assumption quickly proven true by this evening's opening shot: A close-up on Sue's Journal which, since last we saw it, has been dedicated to none other than Lady Vadge herself, if that brand-new and scrupulously scrapbooked cover page is anything to go by. The Fabulous Sue Sylvester (in her power red tracksuit with white stripes, I should note) soon flips past the cover to narrate as she scrawls on the first blank sheet, "'Madonna.' Simply saying the word aloud makes me feel powerful -- even in voiceover." "How I have worshipped her ever since I was a little girl!" Sue's VO continues, and that's news to me, because she sure as hell never gave any of us any indication of said idol worship in the past, but we'll take Sue at her word and carry on, because the alternative involves questioning just about every single assertion she makes for the rest of the episode, and that would chew up far too much time. Besides, Sue gets in a hell of a lot of good lines tonight, and why ruin the fun? Sue goes on to sneer at the supposed influence certain false idols named "Angie Jolie" and "Catherine The Great" have had on the world before declaring, "Madonna is the most powerful woman to ever walk the face of the earth!" And while there's certainly an argument to be made for that particular point of view, Camille Paglia's already been making it for the last twenty years, so let's leap ahead to the office of...
...Maharishi Figgins, where Sue -- green tracksuit with orange stripes this time -- peremptorily announces, "I'm instating a new policy whereby we play Madonna's greatest hits over the PA system quite loudly throughout the entire school day." "But blasting her delicious hooks would make it impossible for the students to concentrate!" Figgins protests. "Who cares?" Sue counters, noting that Madonna never bothered finishing college (true) in favor of hopping a cab to Manhattan with only $35 in her pocket (not true), and adding that they should be encouraging the students of McKinley High to do the same (possibly true). "You say the word," Sue smiles, "and I will provide you with a list of the students I believe should be rounded up and shipped off immediately." I've a feeling that list will consist of nothing more than "Rachel Berry, Gay Kid, Asian, Wheels, and Aretha." I also have a feeling she has that very list tucked into the strap of her steel-belted sports bra as I type this. Figgins: "This is insanity!" Sue: "What you call insanity, I call inspiration!" She leans in close to him and -- with an insanely inspired glint in her eye, natch -- breaks it down for him like so: "It's been the biggest dream of my career to pay homage to Madonna -- the woman most responsible for my take-no-prisoners demeanor and my subconscious tendency to always be desperately looking for someone named Susan -- and now my Cheerios squad finally has the talent to make that dream come true." "You will not take that dream from me," Sue vows before straightening herself and planting her hands on her hips to threaten him with the following: "Do you not understand the blackmail process and how it works?"
By Demian
Smear back to that deeply disturbing photo op in last week's motel room. This time, of course, when Sue tells the prehistoric giant beaver to smile, she does so to the opening drumbeat of "Justify My Love." Hee. I think it's funnier this week than last.
Smear to the present. Maharishi Figgins, defeated, silently agrees to blast Madonna "at an earsplitting volume" throughout McKinley's halls until the episode, when everyone goes back to forgetting Madonna exists. And with this evening's bizarre and utterly unbelievable premise thus set in place, we jump ahead to...
...that afternoon's Cheerios practice, where Sue -- once again in Power Red With White Stripes -- paces in front of the squad assembled on the gym's bleachers and barks, "Santana! What does your bracelet say?" My TV girlfriend Santana Lopez immediately flashes her bracelet at the camera and confidently replies, "W-W-M-D." "What would Madonna do?" Sue translates with approval in her tone, and I for one will never tire of American popular culture trashing that wretched "WWJD?" craze from the early years of this century. "Well," Sue continues, "the answer to that is usually 'Date a younger man,' so let's see some arm candy, girls!" I can get behind that, but a couple of the younger Cheerios glance at each other apprehensively, a reaction that does not escape sharp-eyed Sue Sylvester's attention. "Sorry, freshmen," Sue tells them while being not terribly sorry about it at all, of course. "You're gonna have to start trolling the middle schools!" So... much like Madonna herself, am I right? Sorry, but if they're going to set me up like that, I have to take the shot. Anyway, Sue explains The Cheerios' now-mandatory adoption of Madonna's predilection for the prepubescent like this: "If you want to be as riveting a performer as Madonna -- a skill that will nab us Nationals this year -- you're going to have to start thinking like her." Uh oh. "Acting like her," Sue stresses, and yeah, there won't be any problems at all with twenty-one high school cheerleaders trying to think and act like Madonna. This should be gruesome. Delightfully so, I'm sure, but still. "Also!" Sue adds, completely ignoring me. "À la Madonna, I will no longer acknowledge that any of you have last names!" "Becky Jackson!" she calls out, singling out Quinn's unexpected replacement on the squad. Becky tenses. "From now on," Sue states, "you're just 'Becky'!" Becky delights. "It's like Madonna once said," Sue concludes, "'I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know what I want, and if that makes me a bitch, okay.'" "I'm pretty sure she stole that line from one Sue Sylvester," Sue proudly notes. The Cheerios stare at her. "No, really, she stole it from me -- I said it first: Palladium, '87." When Sue was seven years old. Ooops! Spoiler! Also: Title card!
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By Demian
Music room. In her notebook, Quinn's finishing up a rather intricate caricature of Rachel as a lovesick, mustachioed, wart-faced hag. The camera pans up to Rachel's face, and we are surprised at how well Quinn's captured Rachel's essence. You know, minus the moustache and the warts. And the hagritude, I suppose. In any event, Rachel wallows, positively doe-eyed in her romantic agony for a moment before screwing up her courage and wondering aloud, "Can I ask you guys something private?" "Yes, you should move to Israel," Santana Lopez immediately replies, much to Quinn's sly-eyed delight. Rachel ignores the slam and positions herself front and center on a prop stool to continue, "It's about dating." "Not that I'm dating anyone!" she hastens to add, reminding the five Glee Gals present that she and Finn are no longer an item before LYING that she broke things off with the dreamy Jesse St. James "for the sake of the team." Mercedes, bless her, looks like she's not buying that last bit of crap, but she keeps her mouth shut for now. "Let's just say I was dating someone," Rachel posits, "and let's just say -- hypothetically -- we went to a Wiggles concert last Friday night." Dim Brittany snickers at this, and Santana Lopez extravagantly rolls her eyes while I waste far too much time trying to find the gayest Wiggles video ever. (Hint: They all are.) Rachel, typically oblivious, starts babbling at this point, the words tumbling over each other as she explains, "And then because my dads weren't home, we went up to my room and started making out, and it was erotic and romantic, and then he said..."
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By Demian
Smear to Last Friday Night, post-wiggling but pre-wriggling, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. "We should do it," Jesse St. James pants, all overheated and excited and such and he lunges down to nuzzle at her neck with his hands roaming everywhere and I just want to make out with his hair. Erm. Forget I typed out that last bit. Ahem. ANY-way, Rachel's all, "'It'?" and Jesse's all, "Totally!" and Rachel goes, "Eeep!" and Jesse's like, "It's no big deal!" and Rachel quavers, "For a girl it is..."
...and then we smear back to the music room, where Rachel continues babbling, "What if then he got really crabby and left and didn't even take home the Care Bear I won him playing skee-ball?" "Would you please stop talking?" Quinn interrupts. "You're grossing out my baby." Hee. Rachel completely ignores Quinn's interjection to worriedly note that she's getting older, and she knows she's going to have to deal with Losing It sooner or later, but in the meantime she wants to know, "How do I stop a guy from getting mad at me for saying no?" "Just do what I do," Santana Lopez offer, her tone knowingly arch with rather a seductive smile on her face. "Never say no." Atta girl. Brittany agrees, adding, "What's the worst that can happen?" Quinn shoots the two of them a hairy side-eye, eliciting a quick and sincere-sounding apology from Brit-Brit before Mercedes chimes in with, "Don't ask me -- the last guy I liked was The Mayor Of Gaytown, and I can't wait to get a guy mad at me for saying no." "We just have to accept that guys don't care about our feelings," Single-T Tina blurts from way up in the cheap seats. "Like, the other day, I was walking with Artie?"
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By Demian
Smear to The Other Day. As Single-T Tina rolls Wheels down the hall, Artie announces, "I thought a lot about it, and I forgive you for lying about your stutter. However, if you're planning on getting all up on this, I'm gonna need you to make some changes. The Goth thing was two years ago, so maybe lose the vampire makeup, and consider some tighter-fitting clothing. You've got the pow, and I believe you should work it more if we're gonna be an item!" Single-T Tina is gape-mouthed with silent, simmering outrage.
Smear back to the music room, where Mr. Schuester rises from his desk to apologize, "Hey, guys, I'm sorry to interrupt your little... sorority, but I couldn't help overhearing -- are you really having that much boy trouble?" Oh, ooops! Did I neglect to mention that Will's been sitting there eavesdropping on this intensely personal discussion this entire time? I did? My apologies, I'm sure, because I simply can't imagine why I would have overlooked that particular detail. Aside from the fact that it's, you know, CREEPY AS ALL HELL. What was he thinking? What the hell were they thinking, having this conversation while he's sitting three feet away from them? Auuuuuuuuugh! ANY-way, as The Glee Gals are taking his disturbing and deeply inappropriate presence in stride, I suppose I should, too, and blow past my disgust with the entire situation to note that Quinn just sighs that Mr. Schue will never understand because he's a guy, so Mr. Schue counters that perhaps they should consult Miss Pillsbury. "I tried that!" Rachel whimpers.
Smear to Rachel Trying That, and as Emma is fluttery and useless, and as Rachel is sporting this absolutely dismal prairie blouse patterned with tiny purple Zias, let's...
...smear back to the music room, where Quinn schools Mr. Schue like so: "The fact is, women still earn seventy cents to every dollar that a man does for doing the same job. That attitude starts in high school." Several points to Miss Fabray. Mr. Schue's elaborately shellacked coif droops a bit at Quinn's cynicism, so Will wanders on over to...
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By Demian
...Emma's office, where Emma replenishes her stock of sight gags ("Wiping: Easy As 1-2-3," "I Still Breastfeed... But How Old Is Too Old?" and "Help! I'm In Love With My Stepdad!") while bemoaning the fact that she can't do her job if she lacks the kids' confidence. Will understands that issues surrounding sexual dynamics constitute Emma's "blind spot" as a guidance counselor, and he just wants to help her so she'll be prepared the time a female student drops by with questions similar to Rachel's. Emma, of course, immediately thinks he's offering to Do It with her, and there's much supposedly comical stuttering and stammering to the contrary until Will clarifies, "What this is really about is teenaged girls feeling like they have no power." Emma immediately agrees with him and adds that it makes sense because today's junior misses have such lousy role models. "You've got Britney Spears and her shaved head," Emma shrugs, "Lindsay Lohan looks like something out of Lord Of The Rings, Ann Coulter..." HA! Will's facial expression reads, "You had me, then you really had me, and then you just completely frigging lost me with that last one." Or maybe I'm projecting a bit, because seriously: What kind of nitwit thinks teenage girls hold Mann Coulter up as a role model? Oh, right: The Emma Nitwit. Never mind. Moving on: Will just wants to work with Emma to instill a sense of self-confidence in The Lovely Ladies Of McKinley High. Emma's tickled by the idea of being part of a "girl-saving team," and readily agrees with the plan.
Later, while strolling through the hallways, Will happens to pass the gymnasium just as the opening guitar lines from "Ray Of Light" spill out into the corridor. Intrigued, he pauses to look inside, and let the Madonnathon begin! I should point out that I love this song -- this entire album's one of my favorites, in fact -- but that's not important because the cheerleading routine they've choreographed for this sequence is absolutely mind-boggling. Not the opening bit, which features little more than a gaggle of Cheerios bouncing around with their pom-poms, but the part after that, when ten men and women on five-foot-high stilts -- stilts -- prance in from the sidelines to perform this complicated series of spins and lifts and arabesques and high kicks, and at one point one of the guys has one of the girls by the foot of her stilts, and he's swinging her around upside-down in a circle in the center of the gym floor -- by her stilts -- and they're hauling the more earthbound Cheerios up into the air, and it's so mesmerizing and so hallucinatory and so bizarre that... wow. Just: Wow. Of course, Sue Sylvester disagrees with me. "Sloppy freakshow babies! Somewhere in the English countryside in a stately manor home, Madonna is weeping! Hit the showers!" As the dejected Cheerios limp and stagger from the floor, Sue sniffs suspiciously at the air, turns to note Will's presence, and greets him with, "Oh, hey, William -- I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves who live in your hair." Will ignores that to compliment her on the awesomeness that just transpired. "Yeah, well, Madonna's a legend," Sue replies, "and I want my girls to learn all the lessons she has to offer." Here they cut to a brief shot of the stilted Cheerios chilling out around a gigantic bench constructed for their rest periods, and it's just ridiculous. One guy -- with no visible means of support, mind you -- has hunkered down into a relaxing squat while still atop the damn things, and three of the women are quite seriously warming down with these mile-high barre exercises. My thighs are screaming in sympathetic pain. Anyway, Sue continues, "There's nobody quite like the Material Girl to empower my Cheerios, just like your hairdresser has empowered you to look absolutely ridiculous." Will again ignores the slam because he's suddenly got An Idea, and he bids her a fond farewell. Sue watches him go for the briefest of moments, then turns to the mopey stilts on the gigantic bench and bellows through her megaphone, "You think this is hard? I'm passing a gallstone as we speak! That's hard!" Funny how much I've missed her during the hiatus. Can we just give her this year's Supporting Actress Emmy now?
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By Demian
Music Room. Mr. Schue's scrawled "MADONNA" on the whiteboard, and now asks the assembled gang what comes to mind when they see her name. Rachel: "Genius!" Kurt: "Icon!" Puck: "Hall-Of-Fame MILF!" Atta boy. Mr. Schue is pleased that everyone seems aware of Madonna's "musical and cultural significance," and announces that this week's assignment is a -- wait for it -- Madonna number. The Glee Gals plus Kurt are way stoked, but the heterosexual males in the room? Not so much. "As a dude?" Puck notes. "Madonna makes me kind of uncomfortable." "Yeah, she's smokin'," Finn agrees, "but can't some of us do something else? Like, the guy version of Madonna?" And who, I hear you ask, is the guy version of Madonna? Well, if you're asking these idiots, it's Pantera. Mr. Schue chides the dudes for this horrible display of abject Madonnaphobia, and notes that it's come to his attention that certain of The Glee Guys haven't been treating the young ladies of the group very nicely as of late. "You're disrespectful," Mr. Schue somewhat self-righteously accuses them, "bullying, sexist, and -- I hate to say it -- misogynistic." Finn goes all deer-in-the-headlights. "I have no idea what that means." "When I pulled my hamstring?" Brittany helpfully offers. "I went to a misogynist?" Heh. Mr. Schue shakes that one off in favor of ordering the heterosexual males in the room to put themselves in the ladies' shoes for a change, and he then proceeds to affix his lips to Madonna's unreasonably taut fiftysomething derriere to blather something about The Big M's legacy "transcending" her music because "the subtext of her songs is about being strong and independent and confident, no matter what your sex." "But more than anything," he finishes, "Madonna's musical message is about equality, and that is something I think you guys need to work on." The Glee Gals (plus Kurt) have been vigorously nodding their heads during all of this contractually obliged ass-kissing, but The Glee Guys (minus Kurt) still look spooked. Kurt, spritely little homosexual that he is, waves his hand around in the air to insist -- correctly -- that any "honest conversation about Ms. Ciccone" must include an analysis of her images, which Kurt deems "as indelible as her songs" -- again, right on target, there -- so he volunteers to "tackle a multimedia project." "With Mercedes," he adds, much to Mercedes's delight.
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By Demian
"Puckzilla," on the other hand, continues to balk, going so far as to dispute the very idea that Madonna's music "translates to show choir." Rachel hastens to differ and, after whispering a quick set of instructions into The McKinley Jazz Ensemble's ears -- oh, right: They've apparently been standing off to the side this entire time -- she takes to the floor to call out, "Come on, girls! Do you believe in love? 'Cause I got something to say about it, and it goes something like this!" And if you don't immediately have this song running through your head after that intro, you're either too young and ill-educated for me to bother with, or you shouldn't be watching this goddamned show in the first place. After Rachel drags The Glee Gals onto the floor with her, the number quickly leaps over to the McKinley auditorium stage, where each of the ladies magically appears in her own approximation of Madonna's bustier-under-suit-jacket outfit to perform an approximation of this routine from the 1990 Blond Ambition Tour. You know, without the half-naked men. It's a straightforward cover of the live version, so if you saw that tour (on HBO, on Sunday night, August 5, 1990, because the frigging tickets sold out for every single frigging arena worldwide five frigging minutes after they went on sale, not that I'm bitter about it) you're not seeing anything new here. Out in the auditorium proper, The Glee Guys (minus Kurt, of course) couldn't possibly be more bored, but screw them, because Brittany is just killing the choreography here, and we head into the first commercial break wondering how any of those breeder hosebags ever managed to get a date in the first place.
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By Demian
Santana Lopez applies some lipstick, examines her reflection in the vanity mirror hanging in her locker, and correctly decides, "I look smoking hot." Brittany of course stands to her, rocking an early-'80s Madonna coif complete with artfully knotted lace headband, so it's appropriate that the McKinley halls are currently being flooded with an earsplittingly loud broadcast of 1983's "Burning Up." (Incidentally, they cut Jonathan Groff's cover of this from the episode at the last minute, or so I heard. Good thing, because this song's so closely tied to Madonna for me that I'd be forced to dump all over his rendition of it, and trashing Jonathan Groff for any reason would make me very, very sad.) Brittany's taken Sue's edict to heart and delightedly confides, "Guess who I'm dating? Wes Brody? He's super cute? He plays soccer with my sister? He's seven?" "Crap!" Santana Lopez curses, slamming shut her locker door. "I need a younger, inferior man!" Brittany has a solution for Santana Lopez's dilemma: Finn. 'Cause, you know, he's three days younger than she is, and plus? "He's super dumb." Hee. Santana Lopez has a few misgivings, but Brittany assures her that seducing Frankenteen is the best course of action at this juncture. Convinced, Santana Lopez smiles wickedly and slinks off towards Finn's locker.
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By Demian
"Finnocence?" Santana Lopez croons once she's arrived at his side. "I think we should go out -- just you and me this time, no third wheel." I appreciate a woman who's so direct. Unfortunately, Frankenteen's far too dim to think likewise, and when his waffling becomes too much for her to bear, Santana Lopez slams his locker door and lays it on the line: "It's high time you lost The Big V -- everything about you screams 'Virgin!' You're about as sexy as a Cabbage Patch Kid, and it's exhausting to look at you." Hee! Finn mumbles something about his nonexistent ongoing romance with Rachel, so Santana Lopez of course sets him straight: "She's dating that Jesse kid from Vocal Adrenaline. You can smell it on her -- she's like a cat in heat. She talked about him yesterday? And practically sprayed the choir room." Ew! Hee! Ew! Hee! Ew! "So, come on," she urges him. "Let's do the deed. It'll be great for my image, and Sue'll promote me to head cheerleader." Must not make "Dirty Knees" joke. Must. Not. Make. "Dirty." "Knees." Joke. "It's win-win!" Santana Lopez concludes. Finn wonders how it's win-win for him. "I meant for me," she duhs. "It's win-win for me." I love her.
Guidance Office. Emma's obsessively aligning her tape dispenser with her desktop calculator when Sue arrives for some previously scheduled meeting, and long story short, Sue's disconnected Emma's office from the school's PA system because "Arlene" doesn't "deserve The Power Of Madonna" because Emma has "all the sensuality of one of those pandas down at the zoo who refuse to mate." Ha!
Music Room. Rachel's obsessively giving The McKinley Jazz Ensemble a few final instructions when Finn arrives for some previously scheduled rehearsal, and long story short, the two natter away at each other for a very long period of time about their ongoing nonexistent romance until Rachel convinces him to perform a mash-up of "Borderline" and "Open Your Heart" -- two more songs I adore -- and while I said in the recaplet that this number "finally puts a little heat into the Rachel-and-Finn relationship situation," I'm afraid I must note that, upon rewatch (and rewatch and rewatch and rewatch), that statement is no longer true. The best parts of this for me now are The Madonnas Eternal floating through the McKinley halls as the semi-fantasy sequence takes Lea Michele and Cory Monteith from the music room over to the newly constructed school library set and back again. There's a VMA Wedding Dress Madonna cooling her heels to a Material Girl Madonna in front of the trophy case (go figure), a Nothing Really Matters Madonna (who, sadly, does not appear to be suffering from mercury poisoning), a Lucky Star Madonna (sans Ray-Bans, like, WTF?), a matching pair of Who's That Girl Madonnas (both thoroughly lesbolicious, I might add), a Don't Tell Me Madonna (who I think is actually a dude), and a Holiday Madonna (hate it). But the best Madonna Eternal of all The Madonnas Eternal is the twitchy, PVC-clad, frizzy-haired, insane Human Nature Madonna, because she comes complete with a riding crop, a toy Chihuahua, and a bitchy diva attitude. Love. Her. And... that's all I have to say about that, really. Well, except for the fact that they probably should have gone with Dress You Up Madonna instead of VMA Wedding Dress Madonna, because they perform VMA Wedding Dress Madonna's song later in the episode. Are Rachel and Finn done yet? They are. Good thing Tinkles looks like he's having a ball, I suppose.
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By Demian
Out by his locker, the ever-fashionable Kurt tells Mercedes he's "going Kabbalah" just as Mr. Schue drops by to check in on the progress of their superfantabulous multimedia project that we already know is going to be a shot-by-shot recreation of "Vogue" starring Sue Sylvester because stupid FOX released the video a week early and blew the surprise for everyone. FOX sucks. In any event, both Kurt and Mercedes continue to be way stoked, for they've managed to enlist the aid of Artie and The AV Club, and they intend to produce a shot-by-shot recreation of "Vogue" starring Sue Sylvester because stupid FOX released the video a week early and blew the surprise for everyone. "It'll be Madge-ical!" Kurt promises. Shut up, Kurt. And speaking of the star of their shot-by-shot recreation of "Vogue" because stupid FOX released the video a week early and blew the surprise for everyone, here comes Sue now to blare, "I heard a juicy little rumor that your Up With People rejects were doing some Madonna songs. Is that true?" Mr. Schue confirms this, and pays her a compliment by acknowledging he got the terrific idea from her. Sue, naturally, goes ballistic, because she's supposedly been waiting years to pay tribute to Madonna and she will not be copied by anyone, and she would go on with the rant in such fashion, I'm sure, but she just lost her train of thought because Will has "so much margarine" in his hair. Will stands his ground on the actual issue she's yelling about, then too-casually wonders, "By the way, how's the Florence Henderson look working out for you?" "Frozen" rather deliciously amps up in volume on the schoolwide broadcast at this moment as Will follows that slam up with, "Oh, maybe you should try a new setting on your Flowbee. SNAP!" His insults, of course, come nowhere near matching Sue's in creativity, but he's apparently struck a nerve nonetheless, and Sue stands staring in shock in the middle of the hall for a moment before spinning around and exacting her revenge upon the numerous hapless underclassmen milling about. And after body-checking two or three of them into lockers, she vanishes around the far corner screaming, "Who else wants a piece of this, HUH?" Atta girl.
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By Demian
Over in Finn's neck of the woods, Frankenteen steels his resolve, grooms himself by licking his index and pinkie fingers before pushing them up in Y formation across his unruly brows, and heads over to Santana Lopez to confirm their night of V-losing debauchery. Atta boy.
Sue's Office. Kurt and Mercedes meekly rap at the door and, upon gaining entry to the trophy-lined sanctum, announce that they'd like a word with her regarding her distressed response to Mr. Schuester's insults earlier that afternoon. Sue orders them to close the door and take a seat before launching herself into the following monologue regarding her difficult childhood, delivered brilliantly, of course, by Jane Lynch: "You know, kids, I grew up with a handicapable sister. My parents were famous Nazi hunters, so they weren't around a lot. I had to bring her up on my own, so I didn't have a lot of time or money to keep up with all the latest looks. But on my sixth birthday, True Blue was released -- an album that would later sell over 30 million copies -- and my sister and I took it upon ourselves to bleach my hair with whatever chemicals we could find around the house -- ammonia, napalm. My hair was so damaged, I've been forced to wear it short ever since. It's been a daily, ongoing pain." Nazi hunters and napalm. Gotta love it. Kurt's on the verge of tears thanks to Sue's heartwrenching tale of deprivation and woe, but Mercedes has spent the last several seconds doing some mental mathematics and puzzles, "Wait -- that would make you, like, thirty." "Twenty-nine," Sue corrects. Hee! "And here's the truth," Sue admits, of course doing no such thing in the world we call Sanity, "I mercilessly pick on Will Schuester's lustrous, wavy hair because I'm jealous! There, I said it." "I think we can help," Kurt begins. "Mercedes is black, I'm gay -- we make culture." "Go on," Sue replies, knowing Kurt speaks the truth. Kurt proposes they join forces to produce a shot-by-shot recreation of "Vogue" starring Sue Sylvester and several of her Cheerios because stupid FOX released the video a week early and blew the surprise for everyone. "And we can help you find a new look!" Mercedes cheerfully adds. Sue Sylvester is intrigued.
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By Demian
Back on that newly constructed library set, Rachel enters after hours to prowl through the darkened stacks alone. Suddenly, an invaluable hardback for any future musical theater professional drops to the floor in front of her! DUN! Rachel shoves aside the remaining books on the shelf to discover... Jesse St. James, basking in his key light on the other side of the bookcase! Dun-dun-DUN! "I'm so glad you came," Jesse St. James opens before confessing, "I picked the Stephen Sondheim biography section for our clandestine meeting place because only he would be able to express my melancholia." Yeah, I still totally want to make out with his hair. Jesse St. James feels bad about how their Wiggles and skee-ball date ended last Friday evening, and does she still have his Care Bear? Rachel nods. Jesse St. James heaves a weighty sigh of relief. They need to hire Jonathan Groff for the rest of this show's run. I don't care how and I don't care why and I don't care how much it costs, Murphy. Just do it. In any event, seeing as how they're already lurking in the shadows, Rachel has something she needs to confess. "Me first!" Jesse St. James whispers. "I was out of line the other night," he tells her. "You deserve more than that. You deserve Romance -- no! You deserve Epic Romance." Rachel visibly melts. Get in line, sweetie. With catlike grace, Jesse St. James slips around the far end of the stack and, while never breaking eye contact with Rachel, apologizes for pressuring her into Going All The Way, promising to wait. "You tell me when you're ready," he smiles, "and I'll make sure that I'm... fastidiously groomed." By this point, he's standing inches away from her, and he reaches out a few gentle fingers to caress her hair. "Now, what did you want to tell me?" he asks, finally allowing her to speak now that he knows she's like wet sauerkraut in his hands. Devious little fucker. I think I'm in love. "I'm ready!" Rachel bleats, all little lamb to the slaughter. Jesse St. James gathers her up in his arms, and as they clinch, a faintly wicked smile crosses his face. Hooray!
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By Demian
Out on one of those external walkways no high school in the Northeast would ever bother installing, Emma catches up to Will and, in the interests of personal empowerment, informs him that foreplay will begin at 7:30 that evening at his apartment, with The Nasty to follow as soon as is convenient for them both. It's a date! It's also... a commercial!
"'Vogue,' Take One," Artie intones from somewhere off screen as the camera fades up on a glamorously backlit AV Club Clapper Nerd. The Clapper Nerd, uh, claps his clapper, and the camera pans left to take in the glamorously backlit AV Club Nerd Of Indeterminate Gender who's functioning as scriptperson for the shoot before landing on our wheelchair-bound auteur himself. "Sound speed," an intensely focused Artie continues, "and...action!" "Playback!" Artie calls out as the color bleeds from the shot, leaving us in glorious black and white for what follows. By the way, what follows is apparently being filmed in the cramped little McKinley High music room. Hee. It's exactly like all of those Byzantine musical numbers from Hollywood's Golden Age that are meant to be taking place on some dingy little nightclub's tiny stage, and that is fabulous. As for the shot-by-shot "Vogue" remake itself? There's nothing I can say about it by now that hasn't been said everywhere else a thousand times. Is it entertaining as all hell? Yes. Does Chris Colfer look shockingly fierce in ultraglam black-and-white? Indeed he does. Am I going to spend any more time on something that's been picked apart on the Internet for the past two weeks? Not a chance. Well, maybe I'll direct your attention to this performance of the song at 1990's Video Music Awards because, as I recall, it was met with as much astonishment at the time as the original video itself. Besides, it also inspired this atrocity, and I'll be damned if I'm the only person who still has that crap floating around in his head after all of these years.
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By Demian
They pull the rug out. The entire thing was a fantasy sequence, and the song crashes to a halt to leave the audience sitting in silence as the camera lingers first on Emma, then on Finn, and finally on Rachel, each still as nervous and unsure as they were before the Madonna kicked in. "Rachel?" Jesse St. James calls out once more, and Rachel gazes almost miserably at her reflection before saying to herself, "I'm ready." And that "I'm ready" never reaches her eyes because she's not. She's really, really not.
Fan-fucking-tabulous. And I hate "Like A Virgin"! By the way, Rachel? Sweetie? Yeah, over here: If you don't want to do it with him, I sure as hell will.
The day, Kurt's scenting himself at his locker as he and Mercedes wonder which of their fabulous new Madonna-inspired looks Coach Sylvester will be sporting when she arrives at school. Answer: None. Though she is wearing a nifty little navy blue tracksuit with gold stripes. "Miss Sylvester!" Mercedes sighs. "What happened?" "Oh, hey, there, Whoopi!" Miss Sylvester chipperly greets her. "Don Knotts," she adds, nodding in Kurt's egregiously plaid direction. "All those hairstyles and costumes?" Sue continues by way of answering Mercedes's question. "I'm gonna leave constant reinvention to Madonna." She's had a revelation, you see...
Smear to Principal Figgins's office, where Sue presents him with that list she'd had tucked into the strap of her steel-belted sports bra this entire episode. Figgins, however, is having trouble concentrating, partly because "Justify My Love" is blaring through the loudspeakers, but mainly because Sue actually had settled on one of Kurt and Mercedes's Madonna-inspired looks, at least earlier that morning: Jean Paul Gaultier's infamous black cone bra. As, you know, we all saw in the 8000 promos that preceded this episode's airing. Figgins, appalled, decides to go for flattery. "Your new look is unnecessary, Sue! You're a powerful woman -- you don't need to copy anyone else! You're an original, just like Madonna! Don't lose that quality." Sue: "Do you mean that, or are you just saying that because I poked a couple of kids' eyes out before second period today?" Figgins wisely pshaws, complete with obsequious handwave.
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By Demian
Smear back to the present, where Sue tells Kurt and Mercedes that she realized she didn't need to reinvent herself. No, what Sue Sylvester needs to do is reinvent everybody else. Starting with Kurt and Mercedes. Beautiful.
Music Room. Rachel's rather significantly eyeing the sheet music for "Where Is Love?" when Frankenteen lumbers ungracefully through the music room door. Awkward hellos are exchanged, and then Finn too-casually asks how her date with Jesse St. James went. "It went wonderfully!" Rachel LIES. "Honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal. I mean, it was great, but when it was over, I just didn't know why I was so nervous in the first place."
Smear to the gruesome aftermath of last night's fantasy sequence, with Rachel still locked in the bathroom. "Just come out so we can talk," the silver-tongued Jesse St. James pleads from his side of the door. "Or sing about it." Hee. Rachel eventually opens the door and appears with her virginal lilac capelet still primly fastened around her neck, claiming that she can't go through with it because her teammates in The Glee Club could never approve of this illicit romance, which is total bullshit, but Jesse St. James and his crushworthy hair gallantly accept the excuse.
Smear to the present. For his part, Finn LIES that he's happy for her, and further LIES that he couldn't find it in himself to bed the fantastic Santana Lopez.
Smear to the gruesome aftermath of Finn's deflowering, with Finn sitting shell-shocked on the motel room's bed while Santana Lopez sighs, "Do you think they have room service in this place? 'Cause I want a burger." "I thought I'd feel different," Finn blurts. "Yeah, well, I've noticed it takes about twenty or so times before that feeling of accomplishment really kicks in," Santana Lopez replies. Truer words, people. Truer words. "There's no menu," she notes, bored. "You're gonna have to take me to a burger joint." Heh. Finn's such a loser.
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By Demian
Smear to the present for a brief uncomfortable moment with the would-be couple I no longer care about now that Jesse St. James is on the show, and then it's over to Will's office, where Emma sheepishly raps at the door. Yeah, she didn't go through with it, either, and I am now officially over these storylines, because the loss of someone's virginity is interesting only to the person Doing It for the first time. Unless, you know, you have some sort of morbidly humiliating story we can snicker over long after the fact, in which case, the first round's on me. Until that happens, though: I do not care about your pointless hangups, morons! !
No sooner has Emma left Will's office with a handful of Will-provided pamphlets steering her into psychiatric care -- NO, SERIOUSLY -- than Jesse St. James appears at the opposite door, all presentably attired in vest and tie. With a bookbag slung over his shoulder. And a sheaf of McKinley High admissions papers in his hand. "Can I talk to you about something?" Jesse St. James and his mackable hair ask. DUN! Also: HOORAY!
"What the hell?" Finn yells, having obviously just received the delightful news. "It seems like now everybody's doing things just to hurt my feelings!" Shove it, princess. If they didn't have to Auto-Tune the holy living hell out of your crappy voice every time you sang lead, this wouldn't be happening. Kurt's on far firmer ground when he exasperatedly complains, "We were already fighting for second leads, and now that you've shown up, I've lost all hope at ever getting a solo!" "And y'all just trot me out at the end of every number so I can wail on the last note," Mercedes disdainfully adds. "How is that okay?" "He's a spy, Mr. Schue!" Santana Lopez wisely exclaims. "I would know!" A beleaguered Will tells them to cool their jets -- he's spoken with Jesse's parents (who winter in Bali, don't you know), and it's all aboveboard: In the absence of his official guardians, Jesse moved in with his uncle, who happens to live in McKinley's district, so Jesse St. James transferred from Carmel High, and now he's the newest member of New Directions. And one hell of a welcome addition if you ask me, Finn. "But this isn't fair!" Artie wails. "Guys, everyone who has ever auditioned for this group has gotten in!" Mr. Schue shouts, finally losing his patience and thus earning himself a cocked brow and bemused grin from Jesse, who's standing right beside him. "That's how we do things here, okay?" Mr. Schue continues, never thinking to lower his volume. "To suddenly change the rules now?" he finishes. "That would be unfair!" By the way, Jesse St. James has an innocent-looking smile on his face at this point, but he's just thrown Will one mother of a wicked side-eye. I love it. And in the squirmy silence that follows, ever-astute Brittany boldly raises her hand. "Mr. Schue, is he your son?" HA! "I don't understand why you're doing this," Rachel frowns. "Because I've been tasked by my actual mother Idina Menzel with infiltrating New Directions and destroying it from within," Jesse St. James earnestly replies, "starting with you, you dimwitted virgin." Except where he says nothing of the kind and instead smarms something about True Love and You Are More Important To Me Than Another National Title and I Am Actually In My Mid-Twenties And This Is All An Elaborate Ruse To Crush You, Rachel Berry, Like An Insect Beneath My Stylish Bespoke Loafer! Except for that third part. Rachel melts -- again, some more -- and Mr. Schuester formally welcomes Jesse St. James into the club.
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By Demian
Minutes -- or days, or weeks -- later, Sue's bellowing out a count through her megaphone in the gym, and we've suddenly found ourselves in the middle of a pep rally where, of course, The Cheerios are propelling themselves through yet another intricately staged routine. This time, however, they've brought along McKinley's marching band, with two very special guest vocalists: Kurt and Mercedes. The song, "4 Minutes," is of course in keeping with the episode's theme, though it's apparently off her latest album. And if the rest of that album sounds like the shitty duet I just watched her sing with Justin Freaking Timberlake, of all the hateful toolbags, I'll not be purchasing it, thank you very much, in spite of the hour of free publicity Madonna just received thanks to this show. Really, their version's a hell of a lot better than hers -- the marching band is genius, and Chris Colfer and Amber Riley strut the hell out of it, and The Cheerios' carwash skirts are one mighty blur there in the middle. Awesome.
Of course, Will disagrees vehemently with me because he is a jackass, and once the routine's over, he storms over to Sue demanding to know what's going on. "Lemme fill you in," Sue calmly replies with her typically magnificent amounts of snideness. "Future Center Square Kurt Hummel there and his brassy hag Mercedes just tore that Madonna song a new one." I gasped the first time I heard that line, then proceeded to dissolve into a giggling fit that made me miss most of the rest of the scene. Long story short, Sue "decided to add vocals to [her] already wildly overproduced Cheerios numbers" to give her team yet another extra edge at Nationals. Stupid Will feels upset and confused and betrayed, so Kurt levels with him: "We love being in Glee, but being in The Cheerios will give us more opportunities to shine, so we're doing both." And good for them. Sue claps a hand on Will's shoulder and tells him to "chipper up" because she was "down at the pharmacy today, and they're having a monster sale on Dep." "Dep is a hair gel," Sue insists upon elaborating, "and once again, I am making fun of your incredibly stupid hairdo." Hee.
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By Demian
And we'll be pretending this scene never happened, okay? All you need to know is this: The Glee Guys (minus Kurt) finally bow to pressure from The Glee Gals (plus Kurt), decide to perform "What It Feels Like For A Girl" (with Kurt), and they take the song featured in this kickass video and turn it into some god-awful piece of flaccid boy-band crap. !
Dammit! There is one amusing bit buried in that trainwreck above: Artie realizes he might have pissed Single-T Tina off when he, in smearback, greets her casually in the hallway, and she goes nuclear on his differently abled ass like so: "My eyes? Are up here! I am a person with feelings -- get outta my grille! I am a powerful woman, and my growing feminism? Will cut you in half like a righteous blade of equality!" The only thing that speech needed is Single-T Tina then screaming, "SHAME! SHAME!" in Artie's increasingly freaked-out face. So, long story short, singing a shitty version of a Madonna song led Artie to understand the error of his objectifying ways. He apologizes to her, and they kiss and make up. And now: !
Frankenteen lurches up to Rachel outside her locker to offer apologies of his own for...some minor infraction I totally didn't pay any attention to last week, because Rachel and Finn are OVAH and Jesse + Rachel = 2GETHA 4EVA!!!!!!!!1!!111!!! Well, until she finds out Jesse St. James is actually in his mid-twenties and is only pretending to be a high school senior who's madly in love with her in order to sabotage New Directions from within, as his actual mother Idina Menzel told him to do at some point in the recent and off-screen past (I'm guessing). Then Rachel's back to this tuneless oaf, I suppose. And speaking of Rachel's new and far-superior boyfriend, Jesse St. James arrives at this moment to challenge Finn to a sing-off in the parking lot at 5 PM. Rachel adorably squeaks, "No!" at the very thought of so ruthless a deathmatch between the two men she loves, but she needn't worry, for Finn's decided to become magnanimous until the beginning of the episode, and he offers a hand in friendship to his new rival in Glee. Jesse St. James accepts said friendly hand in kind, and the boys skip off together down the hall to work on yet another Madonna arrangement, leaving Rachel in a quandary best expressed through song.
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By Demian
This song, in fact, which is yet another fantastic track Madonna gave us back when most of the people on this show were still in diapers, for Christ's bleeding sake. With a side of Pepsi. And because this recap is already several pages too long, I'll be brief: They hacked more than three minutes off the album version of Glee's "Like A Prayer," presumably so they could squeeze in that hateful boy-band abomination we shall never speak of again, so this episode-closing performance feels unfortunately choppy and abrupt. So, you know, listen to the album version, but keep a little mental image of Jonathan Groff dancing around in your head as you do so, because goddamn, that boy can move! Two strikes, Frankenteen. Do we want to try for three?
week: Orange April returns! Kurt sets Burt up with, um, Mighty Denim Vest Woman! Mercedes counts calories! And Brittany's pretty sure her cat's been reading her diary. See you then!
Diary-reading cats are the main reason Demian hates pets. You may hiss and scratch at him at demian_twop@yahoo.com.
Watch the episode here, discuss it in our forums, then see how the Madonnafest matched up with our predictions.
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By Demian
This song, in fact, which is yet another fantastic track Madonna gave us back when most of the people on this show were still in diapers, for Christ's bleeding sake. With a side of Pepsi. And because this recap is already several pages too long, I'll be brief: They hacked more than three minutes off the album version of Glee's "Like A Prayer," presumably so they could squeeze in that hateful boy-band abomination we shall never speak of again, so this episode-closing performance feels unfortunately choppy and abrupt. So, you know, listen to the album version, but keep a little mental image of Jonathan Groff dancing around in your head as you do so, because goddamn, that boy can move! Two strikes, Frankenteen. Do we want to try for three?
week: Orange April returns! Kurt sets Burt up with, um, Mighty Denim Vest Woman! Mercedes counts calories! And Brittany's pretty sure her cat's been reading her diary. See you then!
Diary-reading cats are the main reason Demian hates pets. You may hiss and scratch at him at demian_twop@yahoo.com.
Watch the episode here, discuss it in our forums, then see how the Madonnafest matched up with our predictions.
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.
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