By Demian
In Ohio: In an effort to resolve the wholly immature slapfight now raging between Mr. Schue and Bloaty The Gravy Clown in the wake of last week's confession, Single-T Tina, Artie, and Dreamboat Blaine order the two gigantic infants to sing it out onstage at The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion, because Regionals are coming up in a few weeks, and the children need their so-called mentors to focus on what's really important. Naturally, several other interpersonal disagreements quite coincidentally flare up at the same time, so musical smackdowns involving Not-So-Unique, New Finn, Dreamboat Blaine, and Coach Sylvester also ensue, and in the end, a monstrously childish Mr. Schue sends Old Finn packing while Dreamboat Blaine finds himself on the bottom -- of Coach Sylvester's Cheerios pyramid -- when she succeeds in forcing him to honor a verbal agreement he made with her three months ago. For his part, New Finn gets off relatively easily, as all he has to do is apologize to Urethra Franklin, New Puck, and Stupid Boring New Idiozzzzzzzzzzzzz.
In New York: Santana Lopez finally figures out that Old Idiot Rachel's filthy whore of a boyfriend is, indeed, a high-priced fancy boy for wealthy socialites of a certain age, but when she threatens to expose him, he connives to have his girlfriend (and his girlfriend's accommodating gay pet) throw Santana out into the street. Of course, this is A Very Bad Move on Dean Geyer's part, indeed, for Santana promptly arranges a sting operation that somehow ends with Frankenteen lurching from a Manhattan closet to pimp-slap Malibu Midnight Cowboy into the middle of week, where I'm assuming Old Idiot Rachel will dump his frequently rented ass at some point during our exciting installment.
In Other News: New Finn's totally getting Te'oed by Not-So-Unique. Tell everyone you know!
Featuring "How To Be A Heartbreaker" by Marina And The Diamonds, as performed by Old Idiot Rachel and her filthy whore of a boyfriend; a medley of Elton John's "The Bitch Is Back" and Madonna's "Dress You Up," as performed by New Finn and Urethra Franklin; Paula Abdul's "Cold Hearted," as performed by Santana Lopez; another medley, this of "Bye Bye Bye" from 'N Sync and "I Want It That Way" by The Backstreet Boys, as performed by Mr. Schue and Bloaty The Gravy Clown; yet another goddamned medley, this mixing Mariah Carey's "I Still Believe" with Nicki Minaj's "Super Bass," as performed by Dreamboat Blaine and Coach Sylvester; and Tegan And Sara's "Closer," as performed by the children of The New New Directions.