By Demian
In this evening's first Yuletide vignette, a surprisingly pissy Artie bitterly wishes he'd never been crippled in the first place and, after lapsing into unconsciousness thanks to an icy tumble he's taken on an improperly-salted wheelchair ramp, he awakens to find that wish granted through a direct rip-off of It's A Wonderful Life, with last year's Leprechaun returning to assume the role of Clarence, because why the hell not? Of course, in keeping with the film, this magical black-and-white version of a McKinley High in which Artie has always had full use of his legs is quite naturally a foul and wretched (and hilarious) hellscape, so Artie quickly wishes everything back the way it was, and he seems far less angry about his lot in life once he wakes up from his temporary coma.
up is the ever-suffering St. Gay Of Lima, who martyrliciously decides to spend the holiday alone in New York City while Old Idiot Rachel flits off on a gay cruise with her gay dads. Unfortunately for St. Gay's meticulously maintained aura of victimization, Burt Hummel unexpectedly appears on his doorstep in Bushwick. Unfortunately for us, Burt's there primarily to inform St. Gay of his recent prostate cancer diagnosis, and vast and loud is The Anguish Of St. Gay until his father sends him all the hell the way over to Bryant Park, where he finds Dreamboat Blaine waiting for him at the ice rink as a sort of unexpected Christmas present, because why the hell not? The two ex-boyfriends play nice with each other (I think) before retiring back to Brooklyn, where the three gentlemen enjoy a very late holiday dinner.
Meanwhile, over in Ohio, Old Puck convinces New Puck to head out to Los Angeles for Hanukkah Week, and great fun is had by all until Old Puck admits his life out in California pretty much sucks. So, the boys head back to Lima, where they somehow convince their wary mothers to get together as one great big fucked-up extended family for the holiday, because why the hell not? The four do form a tight bond over what a stupendous dick Michael Mancini is during a lengthy meal at BreadstiX, though, so that's nice. Of course, the booze helps.
Also meanwhile, Brit-Brit saw a documentary on The History Channel about The Mayan Apocalypse that's supposed to be happening on December 21st, so she cashes in her life savings to buy fantastic presents for everyone she knows, then marries Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, because why the hell not? Lady Lips is also an Apocalypse acolyte -- naturally -- so the two are quite dismayed when they wake up on December 22nd to find the world intact. Fortunately, their marriage ceremony was a fake concocted by Coach Beiste to prevent them from doing something really stupid, but it looks like poor Brittany's still gonna end up down a couple hundred thousand dollars on the entire escapade.
Finally -- FINALLY -- Coach Sylvester draws Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel's mother as part of the faculty's annual Secret Santa nonsense and, after witnessing a touching little scene between the impoverished Roses, Sweet Sue breaks into their home on Christmas Eve to lavish them with cash and presents, because why the hell not?
Featuring "Feliz Navidad," as performed by Artie in Bizarro George Bailey mode; "White Christmas," as performed by St. Gay Of Lima and Dreamboat Blaine, with backup provided by about a hundred random Manhattan extras; "Oh, Hanukkah!" as performed by The Pucks, with a friendly assist from a variety of Hollywood Jews in a variety of inappropriate costumes; "Jingle Bell Rock," as performed Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, with help from a sextet of festively-attired Cheerios; "The First Noël," as performed by Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel; and "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas," as performed by nearly everyone.