By Demian
Thank God they decided to kick the plot in the ass tonight, because after last week's snoozefest, I was ready to give up on this goddamned show, too.
In Lima: Brittany S. Pierce finds herself thrown off The Cheerios when Coach Sylvester finally comes down on her -- hard -- for the negative grade point average that Coach Sylvester would have noticed sooner had she not been so busy being so improbably knocked up. This of course sends Our Brittany into a tailspin that closely parallels Other Britney's precipitous downward spiral of several years ago -- Crocs, Cheetos, unhinged umbrella bashings, and all -- that culminates in a disastrous lip-synch performance at this year's inaugural McKinley High pep rally.
However, just when we think the other children are gonna slap a 5150 on Our Brittany's addled derriere, Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen gets Brit-Brit to admit it was all simply a cunning ruse on her part. You see, Our Brittany knows from Other Britney's example that a trip to rock bottom all but ensures a staggeringly triumphant comeback, so she concocted the entire fake nervous breakdown in order to further her not-so-secret plan for high school domination. It made a surprising amount of sense as the episode aired, though I'm not certain it'll hold up at all on rewatch.
In New York City: Rachel and St. Gay Of Lima take out a lease on a capacious loft in Bushwick, whereupon they quickly settle down to braid each other's hair and talk about boys. Once that's over with, St. Gay reveals that Drunk Kate Hudson's got one hell of a batshit-crazy past, wherein the lady in question scored the choice role of Lola in a revival of Damn Yankees ten years ago, only to lose the part after she lost her shit over some geriatric's bleeping cell phone during an out-of-town tryout.
Armed with this choice piece of information, Rachel tries to thrown down with the elderly lush, only to find herself thrown out of dance class. Oops! Eventually, though, the two women arrive at some sort of a temporary truce, allowing Rachel to retire to her capacious loft just in time for Dean Geyer to arrive bearing both a lovely housewarming gift and several amorous intentions. Unfortunately, because Rachel's still hung up on that pasty mouthbreather she used to date in Ohio, she sends Australian Idol on his exceptionally-well-put-together way, which means she never really stopped being Idiot Rachel in the first place, yes?
Meanwhile: New Rachel -- whose sole defining trait thus far seems to be a disturbing penchant for truly awful headgear -- admits her enormous crush on New Puck to Not-So-Unique. Pre-Op Precious attempts to dissuade Shitty Newsboy Cap from pursuing a relationship with the patently faithless New Puck, but Crappy Headband will not be deterred until it's revealed to her that New Puck is actually dating New Quinn. This makes Horrifying Barrette very sad, indeed, but I still don't give a flying rat's ass about the romantic relationships on this show, so whatever.
Featuring a variety of Britney Spears's third-rate throwaways, primarily from the ass end of her career, including "Hold It Against Me," as performed by Our Brittany and The Cheerios; a medley combining "Boys" with a so-called "song" that shall never be acknowledged as such by me, as performed by Speed Racer and Dreamboat Blaine; "Womanizer," as performed by a typically sassy Not-So-Unique with crucial assists from Sugar Motta, Single-T Tina, and Shitty Newsboy Cap; a shockingly engaging rendition of "3," as performed by Single-T Tina, Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, and Guy Slowly Being Consumed By His Own Incredibly Gross Hair (Whose Name I Still Cannot Be Bothered To Look Up); a medley of "(You Drive Me) Crazy" and Aerosmith's "Crazy," as sweetly performed by Crappy Headband and New Puck; "Oops!...I Did It Again," as performed by Idiot Rachel, with heavily costumed background gyrations courtesy of an unnecessarily attired Dean Geyer; "Gimme More," as performed by the children of New Directions, with solo duties assumed by Our Brittany and a bag of snacks; and "Everytime," as performed by Horrifying Barrette.