By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 3 | Aired on 10.10.2013
"I'm really glad you took the time to come talk to me today," Ms. Pillsbury-Schuester smiles at Single-T Tina in the guidance office, the latter slouches bleakly in a chair. "I just don't know how much longer I can do this," Single-T Tina mopes. "Do what?" Ms. Pillsbury-Schuester kindly prompts. "I just don't know how much longer I can wear black," Tina sighs. "I feel like this look is so Tina Two Years Ago," she explains as Ms. Pillsbury-Schuester's already overlarge eyes widen just a tiny bit more. "I spent so much time transitioning away from Goth," Tina continues, "and look at me! It's like I'm back in that look!" Ms. Pillsbury-Schuester rummages around in her desk drawer and hands Single-T Tina a few pamphlets, including "It's Not All About You," "When To STOP Talking," and "Wait, Am I Callous?", before sending Tina on her way. Hee.
Just then, Will arrives for his grief counseling session, which he immediately tries to cancel, but Emma won't let him because he hasn't cried once since Famous Original Finn met his untimely and unspecified demise, so we know Will's going to turn into a blubbering wad of snot-streaked grossness before this evening is over, because God forbid anyone make it through a painful loss completely dry-eyed, because those people must be sociopaths who probably murdered Famous Original Finn in the first place. Also: Commercials.
Locker Room. Incredibly Old Puck arrives, drunk, to slur a few words of greeting in Coach Beiste's general direction, and there follows a scene so badly written and acted that I think it would be for the best if we all agree that it never happened in the first place.
Well, except for the following exchange: "You gotta promise to put the tree back," Coach Beiste demands. "I didn't take the tree!" Incredibly Old Puck protests. Coach Beiste fixes him with A Look. "Fine, I took the tree," Incredibly Old Puck admits. "It was a garbage tree, though," he insists, adding, "It wasn't big enough." Coach Beiste: "They grow, you know." Hee!
The One True Santana Lopez stands at the center of the floor of the music room, and she brightly introduces her musical selection like so: "I know that Finn had his doubts about God, but I am convinced that Squishy Teats is up in Heaven right now, plopped down to his new best friend, Fat Elvis, helping themselves to a picnic of baby back ribs smothered in butterscotch pudding and tater tot grease, so this is for you, Hudson!" And with the entertaining portion of this segment thus so pleasantly delivered, Santana proceeds to torture us all with her take on The Band Perry's abominable "If I Die Young," which is an execrable piece of trash. Realizing far too late how awful the song truly is, Santana bursts into tears in the middle of the thing and runs, shrieking, over to The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion, where she's presently joined by St. Gay of Lima.