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Luke and Anna meet at the courthouse for the custody battle royale. It is awkward and stupid and Anna comes off as a megabitch. Luke ultimately gets the joint custody he requested. Paris institutes Operation Finish Line, which I love, and which involves a detailed chart of activities in which she and Rory must engage in the five months they have remaining at Yale. Rory is busy worrying about the Lucy thing, though. She left Lucy a letter of apology, but still feels terrible about hurting her feelings. Of course, Paris takes care of it, confronting Lucy in the way only Paris can, and Rory and Lucy make up; conversely, Marty and Lucy break up. Sookie is acting weird. Her moods are crazy up and down and Jackson won't let her do anything. Guess why? She's pregnant...but she doesn't know yet. Jackson didn't get a vasectomy like she thought he did. When she finds out, she rightly and justifiably flips out. Christopher finds the letter Lorelai wrote for Luke's court date. It is extremely touching, and when Luke hears it read by the judge, he is quite moved. Chris, however, has a different take. He's very upset by it, and frankly a dick about it. He claims that every problem he and Lorelai have is because she is still in love with Luke, and no matter what she says to deny it, he acts like a huge baby and storms out. Sorry, Christopher fans: Lorelai's made some bad moves, but he's a baby. Meanwhile, during a lecture, Richard has what appears to be a heart attack. Oh, Grandpa! Be okay! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Friday Night Dinner has just ended, and Emily and Richard are jovially escorting Lorelai, Christopher, and Rory to the front door. Richard has just, apparently, told one of his more infamous jokes. "Now that you've heard Dad's famous 'Big game hunter and the gorilla' story," Lorelai tells Christopher, "you're officially part of the family." No, no, I think he officially became part of the family when you married him, Lorelai. Or maybe even before that, when he impregnated you with your child. It's so good to see Emily and Richard in this scene, it assuages my irritation (slightly), but it just generally bothers me the way they talk to Christopher sometimes like they're just meeting him, and sometimes like he's been around for years. Richard, as a matter of fact, loves Christopher so much right now that he invites him to stay for a while to enjoy a fine, illegal, Cuban cigar. Lorelai makes excuses for them all to leave, and they escape to the strains of Emily praising the night's meal: quail Mazatlán. Who among you can ever hear the world Mazatlán without thinking of The Love Boat? I certainly can't. Whole portions of Mexico are forever tainted for me by that show. I'll never be able to travel to Puerto Vallarta, for example, because hell, it would just be too funny. I'm sure it's a lovely place.
Not so lovely, apparently? That "delicious" quail Emily has been raving about. When the guests finally get outside, we see that they've all snuck their dinner out in napkins. "How could such a little tiny quail have such a big, awful taste?" Lorelai demands, spitting. Chris wonders if they should just throw the scraps in the bushes, but the ladies urge caution: they tried that before, with the Chicken Kiev debacle of '02, but the neighbor's cat dragged the remnants of their dinner onto the Gilmore back patio, busting them. Their only recourse, Lorelai says, is to take the stuff with them and throw it off the town bridge, making sure that all remains go into the water. "One stray piece of Quail Mazatlán," Rory warns, "and Grandma will have the river dragged."
Lorelai is making coffee early Saturday morning when she is surprised by Sookie at her door. She pinches her friend on the arm, wondering if she's dreaming. "You're not supposed to pinch me!" Sookie says. "Well," Lorelai answers, "I'm confused! I haven't even had coffee yet." Giddily, Sookie shows Lorelai that she's brought her some coffee and a whole basket of delicious muffin tops, because they're the best part of the muffin. Yes, I remember hearing that. On Seinfeld. Ten years ago. Anyway, Sookie is all worked up and excited because she and Jackson are going on a little day ski trip so that Jackson can hit the slopes and Sookie can read bad books. Or, she was excited until their babysitter called to say that she has mono. "How's that muffin tasting?" she asks. Lorelai: "It has the faintest aftertaste of bribe." Listen, if you brought me coffee and muffins in the morning, I'd take care of your kids, your neighbor's kids, and those weird kids that are always hanging around down at the gas station. Lorelai must feel the same: "I'd love to take care of Davey and Martha." She takes a swig of coffee, declaring it good. "Well, yeah, it should be," says Sookie. "I...got it from Luke's. I hope that's okay." Lorelai's face gets wistful, but she says that it's fine: "It would be weird if I intentionally didn't drink the coffee." They are interrupted by Christopher coming in from upstairs. "Mm, there are baked goods in here," he says. "At first I thought I was dreaming." Sookie: "Please don't pinch me." Heee. Christopher says he was afraid for a second that someone broke into the house and started baking. "Baking and entering," says Lorelai, in a very cute line. "It's a crime wave sweeping the nation!" Man, I wish someone would commit baking and entering at my house! Dear Criminal Baker, I love buttercream icing. No fruit between the layers! Extra icing, is what I'm saying. Love, your very willing victim, Al Lowe. Chris says that this whole babysitting thing is going to work out well for him since, having shipped Gigi off to her grandmother, he will now be home alone and able to put up his flatscreen. Sookie stands to leave and, while saying her goodbyes and thanks, becomes emotional: :It takes a special person...you know, on her day off..." Lorelai nods, assuring Sookie that it's okay, but while Sookie weeps and clings to her, Lorelai shoots an hilarious questioning look at Chris. "This is good coffee," Christopher says, after Sookie's headed out. "It is good," Lorelai agrees, trying to be casual. "It's from Luke's." First of all, why on Earth would she tell him? Second, what is the big deal? Christopher acts weird about it, and so does Lorelai, and come on, as contrivances go, it's a bit of a stretch.
On the Yale campus, to the strain of some strummy, Rory makes a determined face and pins her Letter of Explanation to a corkboard on Lucy's door.
Later, as Lorelai puts on her coat to go out to Sookie's, Christopher unpacks the huge amount of stuff required to put up the flatscreen. Kissing him goodbye, Lorelai pulls away and smiles. "You smell good," she says. "Familiar..." I immediately get excited, thinking it's the coffee she smells on him, but no. Incredulous, she asks if he's been using her conditioner, teasing him about his fancy hair products. "Listen," she says, "I love that you're using my conditioner. And I love that you're putting up this JumboTron thingy all by yourself, and I can't wait to come home and watch flatsports with you." I may not like Christopher very much, but I love it when Lorelai teases him. "Hey," she adds, "if you feel like shaving, I've got a brand new Ladies Schick in the drawer."
At the courthouse, Luke sits alone on a bench outside a courtroom. A bailiff comes out and asks, "Danes v. Nardini?" Luke nervously says yeah, but that Nardini's not there yet. When the bailiff disappears, Luke's attorney arrives, and advises him not to say anything during the hearing. Moments later, Anna shows up, and even though the bailiff just walked out and asked for them, Luke tells her that the court is not ready for them yet. They have an awkward conversation about parking or some shit, I don't know. I'm so ready for all things April to be over and done with. Soon enough, it gets bitter, and Luke and Anna start snarking about the custody. Anna comes off as the Wicked Bitch of the East, saying that Luke need only look at himself to see how little chance he has to win any parental rights: "A hermit, living above a diner in some old converted warehouse. I mean, it doesn't exactly paint a picture of 'capable father.'" Hello? Do you not live in, like, a t-shirt store, or something? ["Hey. People who live in t-shirt stores are the BEST kind of people!" -- Wing Chun] Luke gets defensive, saying that he's been nothing but a good father to April which, while I love him, I must also call bullshit on, considering the five minutes he's known her. In any case, Anna ignores this, and points out that his history with women will no doubt hurt his case as well. HIS history? A bit rich, coming from the woman whose daughter had to steal hair from THREE men to figure out who fathered her. The bailiff comes out to call them in just before any punches get thrown.
Rory returns to her apartment post-holiday to find Paris surrounded by charts and spreadsheets. Paris dispenses with the usual reunion pleasantries and gets right to business: "This is the game plan for what I call Operation Finish Line." She explains that she and Rory only have five months left before they must leave Yale and face the bitter, cold shoulder of real life. "You're the green marker," she says, pointing to one of the charts. "Green was a random choice, not a subtle comment about how inexperienced you are with real-life matters. Then again, maybe it was." I love Paris. Rory is somewhat surprised to see that Paris has her down to apply for an Oceanography fellowship. Pointing out that she knows nothing about Oceanography is pointless, of course. "It's a defensive move," says Paris, "like Monopoly." She carries the metaphor, explaining that when landing on St. James Place, one must purchase it, even if one does not want it, just so that no one else can buy it: "Am I getting through to you?" Rory: "Well, you're making me want to play Monopoly." Paris is undeterred by the size of her list. She says that, since there are two of them, they should easily be able to cover everything and report back on progress every Friday at 5 PM. "There's something to look forward to at the end of the week," says Rory. Getting harangued by Paris, followed by several hours of exposure to the emotional hostage crisis of Friday Night Dinner? That should get Rory ready for real life quite nicely.
At Sookie and Jackson's, Davey is excited to see that Lorelai has brought along her magic socks for their playdate, while Sookie is freaking out non-stop about which sweater to wear to the ski lodge. "Is she okay?" Lorelai asks, and Jackson casually says that she is, but when Sookie nearly has a meltdown about leaving Davey behind, Lorelai gives her the curious eyebrow. When Jackson shoves Sookie out the door, Lorelai grabs up Davey, tells him to kick the magic socks, and they head off to the imaginary jungle. Aw. I want some magic socks. I could get to Trader Joe's so much faster that way.
Richard is at his office door, saying goodbye to a visiting student. "I'm supposed to tell you that you can also query me by email," he jokes, "although, to be honest, I check it about as often as I do the daily racing form." Cute, but the kid doesn't get it, which is sad. Aren't all these Yalies supposed to be clever? Rory is waiting for Grandpa outside, and comes in now to meet him. She discusses Paris's Operation Finish Line with him, saying that Paris would like to meet with Dean Kerrigan and, she supposes, it wouldn't hurt for Rory herself to meet him, as well. Grandpa happily says that shouldn't be a problem. He sees that Rory's upset, thinking she's nervous about reaching the end of the semester. She tells him about the Lucy debacle, and he sweetly comforts her: "I wouldn't worry about it. You're a person of great heart, and great character. That combination will always win the day." OR, I add, in my mind, if that doesn't work, you can steal a boat.
Awwww, snap, back at Jackson and Sookie's, the unhappy couple returns to find Lorelai in the middle of a Davey-created mess. They don't even notice, however, because they are having a classic Married People fight. Sookie's pissed because Jackson wouldn't "let" her have a hot toddy or do any skiing. And oh, I feel her. Let me tell you how to make me stab my husband. You know, if you were looking to get me to do that. Suggest that he boss me around. You will not even get to blink before I make ratatouille of his insides. And, listen, I am married to a very nice man. Very nice. He is a veritable Jackson, it's true. But sometimes, just sometimes, the dude like, has opinions about...I don't know, things, and it makes me want to whang him with the cast iron. On these occasions, I behave just like Sookie is acting now, as she snarks at Jackson, "Apparently you make all the rules, your highness. Can I go check on my children? Can I do that?" When she rages off, a suspicious Lorelai finally puts the screws (not like that!) to Jackson: "What's going on between you two? Why wouldn't you let her drink, or ski?" Jackson tries to play it cool, saying that he just didn't want her to get hurt. Lorelai says that Jackson's acting weird, and so is Sookie:. "She's all over the place and moody. The last time she was like this, she was pregnant." Jackson silently freaks, and Lorelai is on to him: "I thought you had a vasectomy!" Jackson: "Oh, so she says 'go get a vasectomy' and I'm supposed to just go get a vasectomy?!" Um, yes? Lorelai says that if he didn't want to do it, he should have just said so. "I didn't see the point," he replies. "Now...I see the point." Hee. He says he thought Sookie was going to stay on the Pill, for her skin. "Yeah," says Lorelai, "but she went off it last month!" Jackson says that Sookie should have told him that, and Lorelai rightly points out the irony: "Not when she thinks [her] husband had a vasectomy...Don't you think Sookie should be let in on the good news?!" Jackson heaves the sigh of the damned and walks back to meet his fate. Lorelai doesn't even have her coat on before she hears the screams. "NO!" says Sookie, charging out to the front door. She throws her jacket on as Jackson tries to make excuses for himself. "Just be really quiet right now! Don't speak! Don't breathe!" she yells at him. "I'm going to go for a walk, and while I'm gone, you're going to have that taken care of!" Aw, Sookie. A retrovasectomy won't work! If it did, the Department of Health and Human Services would have a bounty on K-Fed's penis, and citizens all over the nation would be running after him with scissors. Sookie screams for Lorelai to follow her, and charges out the door. (Melissa McCarthy really is pregnant, if you haven't heard, which is why they're forced to insert this third pregnancy for her character. I like the way they've worked it in.)
Back at the courthouse, Anna's and Luke's attorneys are going at it, law-talkin'-style. "Why don't we ask my client to allow the bus driver, to have custody of her child?" Anna's lawyer jibes, stating that April sees the driver just as much as she sees Luke. When Luke takes issue with all this maligning and interrupts to point out that he is a responsible parent, the judge has to tell both Luke and Anna to shut up and let their lawyers handle the talking.
Sookie is having trouble articulating her own issues as she stomps down the street in Stars Hollow: "I just! And, he didn't! And...I can't believe he could've!" "You know," Lorelai reminds her, "you can't walk off a pregnancy." Sookie rants on: Jackson said he would get a vasectomy, and she believed him. What was she supposed to do, go with him to the procedure and hold his hand? "I had just delivered his baby!" she screams. "It's too much! I don't have the time to baby a grown man! What am I supposed to do? Watch him brush his teeth? Does he want me to cut up his meat?" Lorelai gets in a good one: "I don't think he wants his meat cut at all." Ha! Sookie, however, doesn't appreciate the joke. She's too busy thinking about the four thousand diapers she was counting down until Martha was potty-trained and she didn't have to change any more. Lorelai attempts to soothe her, but it doesn't work. "There was a light at the end of the tunnel," says Sookie. Lorelai: "Babies are more than diapers, right?" Sookie: "No. No! All I remember is 'eat, sleep, poop.'" Lorelai insists that there's other, better stuff: "For one thing, they're pretty cute!" Sookie rightly points out that "cute" is not going to help her sleep through the night. Lorelai rolls out the "Babies are great!" campaign, reminding Sookie of all the fun stuff: first baths, first smiles, the sweet baby smell, etc. "I know what you're doing," says Sookie. "You're trying to make this sound good. I'm hormonal, and you're playing dirty." Lorelai again sort of dreamily says that there are a lot of good things about babies. Sookie gets suspicious: "Are you talking memory, or are you thinking ahead?" Lorelai says it may be a little of both: the subject has come up, she says, but no decisions have been made. Sookie sighs and smiles, suddenly excited: "Oh my God, I'm gonna have another baby." "Yes," Lorelai assures her, "and I will be there to help you, no muffin tops required."
Paris and Rory are enjoying Yale's cafeteria fare, discussing the schedule Paris has laid out for their future. Paris says that they have eight free days on the chart which they should probably fill with volunteer work: "I'm not crazy about wheeling around elderlies in their revealing bathrobes, so I'm thinking about tree planting." She continues to badger Rory about her assignments on the chart, asking if she's written her poem for the Iowa Poetry Prize. Rory points out that this might be a little far-fetched, seeing as how she only took one poetry class sophomore year. Here, let me write it for you: "I gave it up for a Birkin Bag/ My boyfriend sometimes acts like a jag/ My grandmother can be a hag/ I enjoy the works of Susan Sontag." Huh? HUH? Give it up, people! That's why they pay me the millions. Paris says that Hannah Freeman is applying for a Fulbright to study space travel in Nuremburg: "Do you think she's ever traveled to space? It takes twenty minutes to write a poem; two if it's haiku." Hee. She's right, you know. Boom: "This show used to be/ one of the best on TV/ now, um, not so much."
As Paris continues her tirade about the importance of Operation Finish Line, Rory becomes distracted by the presence of Lucy across the room. Paris asks if Rory's heard back from her since the letter. When Rory says no, Paris takes action: "Oh, so she's just decided to ignore you now? How very Heathers of her." Throwing down her napkin, Paris marches over to Lucy's table, much to the chagrin of Rory, who shamefacedly rushes after her. Paris, however, is not to be deterred. She gets up in Lucy's face, insisting that she end this little junior high game she's playing. "Hey...Paris..." Lucy says, stunned. Lucy says that she just got back in from town and has not had time to respond to Rory's letter. "Yeah, and?" Paris demands. "Well, it's not really fair," Lucy demurs to Rory, "you being a writer." Oh, whatever. "Yeah, yeah, life's not fair," Paris snaps. "In case you didn't know it, Rory's a great person and does not deserve to be treated this way. Anyone should feel lucky to call her a friend. I know I do, and you're throwing away one of the best." Man. Paris Gellar for President of Everything. Rory uncomfortably says that she appreciates Paris's trying to help, and asks for a moment alone with Lucy. She and Lucy share a look about what a loon Paris is, and Lucy calmly tells Rory that the letter was beautiful, and that she now realizes the ridiculous position Marty had put Rory in. I guess Lucy took this sad time of estrangement to decide to get off the goofballs, because she's acting relatively normal. Rory apologizes for handling it wrong, and that she screwed up. "No, you didn't screw up," Lucy says. "Marty asked you to do something really weird and wrong, and you did it, because you're a great person. Ask Paris." She says she and Marty broke up, and Rory is sick to hear it. "It wasn't meant to be," says Lucy, sad.
Ugh. Back to the custody hearing. Do y'all care about this? Because I don't. But we have to watch it, because it sets up the reading of Lorelai's letter. Anna's attorney makes some frankly snide remarks about Luke's capabilities as a man and father, and Luke's whole agreement to keep his mouth shut during the hearing is off. He gets feisty. "Now that I know her," he says of April, "I just want to be with her and be her dad, because I know I will be a good dad."
Christopher and Paul Anka have been working on the flatscreen project back at the CrapShack, and while he searches for a level to make sure the thing is straight, Chris comes across the draft of Lorelai's character reference in her desk drawer.
At the courthouse, the judge is also looking over the letter. It's time to read it into the record. We cut back and forth from the courtroom to Christopher at the CrapShack, hearing the judge's voice crosscut with Lorelai's voice-over. The letter is quite moving. In it, Lorelai says that she is a single mother who raised her daughter by herself, and that throughout Rory's life, Luke has been there as a father figure to Rory. Lorelai says that Luke should be given the opportunity to be a father to April, since he will be a great one: "Once Luke Danes is in your life, he is in your life, forever." She goes on to say that Luke's presence in her life has been an amazing gift, and that to deny him contact with April would be wrong. Luke, hearing the judge read, smiles softly to himself, touched.
Not smiling? Christopher. When Lorelai arrives home after her pregnancy walk with Sookie, she finds Christopher sulking in the kitchen. "I read your letter," he says. She explains that it's not really a letter; it's just a character reference. "Reads like a letter," he says, flatly. "Almost like a love letter." What? No it doesn't! Lorelai is also confused, and tries to say again that she wrote it as a favor to Luke to help him with April's custody thing. Christopher, though, is not having it: "You know what? Before you go through your list of excuses, let me just ask: is our marriage, for you, basically just marking time?" UGH! HATE. Lorelai tries to protest, but Christopher just gets more angry. "'Always been there'! 'Always will be there'!" he angrily quotes from her letter. Lorelai tries again to make him see reason: she says she knows Luke well, and that it makes sense that he should ask her to write a character reference for him. Chris is ridiculously mad, like a petulant child: "I can't believe I just had coffee from his place!" he says, as if the coffee brought by Sookie was proof of anything. Lorelai's face is so pained as she tries to tell Christopher he's acting crazy. "I've got a right to know!" Christopher brushes her off. "I know you, Lor. I know you're not done with him." Finally, Lorelai sighs: "I have a history with him, yes. I was engaged to him, but I married YOU." I am sure she's wondering just why she did that, especially when Christopher demands that she tell him she's not in love with Luke. "I am not in love with him," she says, looking right in Christopher's eyes. And this is where any non-abusive, non-asshole husband would gather his beautiful wife in his arms and apologize for being King Dick, but you know, Christopher is five years old. He gets all "I knew it!" again, saying that her feelings for Luke must have been the real reason she didn't want to leave Stars Hollow or have a baby with him immediately. Lorelai is dumbfounded and desperately tries to get him to listen to her -- "I love YOU, I love YOU," she insists -- but he won't believe it. "I can't handle this," he says. "I thought I could handle being your second choice, but I can't. I can't be your rebound. I'm sorry." Leaving Lorelai standing there, calling after him, Christopher walks out of the house.
At Yale, Rory is doing a little modification on Operation Finish Line. "There is no way I am signing up for the LSAT," she says, crossing it off the chart. "Sure you are," says Paris. "Don't get lazy on me now." Rory says that she is just not interested in being a lawyer -- she wants to be a journalist. Paris insists that she won't have to be a lawyer if she gets a law degree: "Look at Dan Abrams. He's a journalist, but because of his law degree, he's the face of the Scott Peterson trial!" Rory rightly says that she does not want to be the face of the Scott Peterson trial: "And I hate Dan Abrams." She says that she also does not intend to take the MCAT, despite the success of Sanjay Gupta. Paris is disappointed, but they are interrupted by a phone call from Lucy inviting them to join her for tray sliding in the snow. "We can cross it off the list!" says Rory. Paris reluctantly agrees. As they put on their coats, Rory thanks her, finally, for saying such nice things about her in the cafeteria. "Well, I just didn't want your juvenile hysterics to muck up the whole chart," says Paris. "You're not going to cry, are you?" Love. Rory reminds her that if she falls and breaks her face, as many tray sliders do, she can just spend a night in the infirmary which will fulfill a "typical college experience" on Operation Finish Line. Yes, well, so would having regrettable sex in a fratty room that smells like vomit, but I don't recommend that, either. (Oh my God, no, y'all. I never did that, okay?)
Strummily, we see that Lorelai has been sleeping single in a double bed. Christopher never came home last night. When the phone rings and she rushes to grab it, hoping it's him, it turns out to be Luke. He is over the moon, having won the custody he wanted. He gets to see April one weekend a month -- which is outrageous, considering that she is moving across the country -- and various holidays and summer times. "Your letter was a big help," he says. Lorelai's full of sadness as she congratulates him and hangs up.
Rory is in class at Yale, sitting in Grandpa's class as he charms his students while going over the syllabus. He's barely gotten started with the lesson when he starts breathing a little funny. Rory looks concerned, but not overly so, until, suddenly, Richard grabs his arm, and keels to the floor. (Note to the producers: if you kill Richard, I ain't gonna make it.)