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Paris and Rory make up and put all men on the Hate List just in time for the hated Logan and the fallen-from-grace Doyle to return and demand do-overs. UNBELIEVABLY, both couples reunite. Rory decides that she needs a few days to herself, and goes home to Stars Hollow; she passive-aggressively does not inform Logan. The Grandparents drop by for a visit, and Lorelai later finds out that they looking for a home in town. When Zach runs his engagement to Lane by Mrs. Kim, she declines to give her approval until he writes a hit song. She works on one with him until she's satisfied, and he is allowed to propose (again) to Lane. April's math team has been invited to a competition in Philadelphia, and she asks Luke to be a chaperon. Lorelai offers to get him some new luggage so that he won't have to carry his gross dufflebag, but he turns her down. She tries to act like she's not bothered when Anna sends over a new bag for him. Rory decides to do a sneaky drive-by on Anna's store, and Lorelai gets pissed. Also! Special GG Recaplet Shout-Out: Happy Birthday, Pamie! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Hello! We return from the short hiatus, hoping against hope that something crazy might have happened on this show in the interim. This time, we said to ourselves, we wouldn't care so much that the writers didn't show us the action if the action happened to be that, say, Luke found out through reputable DNA testing that he was not the father of a secret, twelve-year-old Replacement Rory. But that's not what happened. Instead, no Gilmore Time has elapsed whatsoever, and we pick up with Paris and Rory just moments after we left them, now chowing down on some tasty Chinese food. They discuss how much better their lives will be now that they don't have stupid Logan and Doyle to deal with. Paris is excited that she'll be able to paint her apartment, for starters: "Doyle doesn't believe in improving someone else's property." Rory: "MEN!" Exactly. Paris and Rory make plans to eat Chinese food until they get huge, and then walk it off on that treadmill Doyle never consented to allow in the apartment. "I'm glad you're back," Paris tells Rory, who says she is glad, too. She takes this moment to finally apologize for the whole editorship debacle, saying that she never expected it to turn out the way it did. It has all the sincerity you'd expect from someone who, whether they meant to or not, basically stole your job right out from under you. Reminds me of the time my freshman roommate had to apologize to me because the boy I liked called me to break the news that he actually liked her. REMEMBER THAT, BECKY? Whatever. That dude ended up being gay, anyway. "Forget it," Paris says. "I mean, who are we kidding? I am not cut out to deal with people. I was made to be in a lab, or an operating room, or a bunker somewhere with a well-behaved monkey by my side."
Paris and Rory are interrupted by a knock at the door and briefly worry that, in their man-hating tirade they actually did order a pizza to go along with the Chinese. Unfortunately, it's Logan. Rory says she doesn't want to talk to him, but Paris is on the job, anyway. She rips open the door and lets him have it with both barrels, calling Logan "New Haven's favorite whorehound." She lays into him, remarking that there are things she's always wanted to say to him but, out of respect for Rory, she's refrained. She ain't refraining anymore: "I know you cheated on Rory." He says he didn't -- that they were apart -- and quickly grows frustrated: "Why the hell am I arguing with you? I don't want you back!" Paris isn't done, however, by a long shot: "You, Logan Huntzberger, are nothing but a two-bit, spoiled, waste of a trust fund. You offer nothing to women, or the world in general." She says that if he were to disappear from the face of the Earth, the only person that would miss him would be his Porsche dealer. Leaning around her, Logan asks Rory if she has anything to add. "No," she says, happily. "I think Paris has got it covered." Shoving past Paris, Logan asks Rory again for just a minute alone. "No one invited you in!" Paris says. "Get out, right now, before I go Bonaduce on your ass." How I wish she would, especially when he waves her off, saying that he's not going anywhere.
Paris doesn't have time to freak on Logan, though, because suddenly, Doyle appears. She swings on him, trying to throw him out, too, but he also refuses. He says he went out, got drunk, thought about all the things she said, and decided she was wrong. Hey, Doyle, probably not the best opening line. "I am not," Paris says, still shrill. "And...what are you wearing?" Ah, yes, Doyle is still wearing Rory's coat from their drunken encounter down in the bar. He brushes that aside, saying that he knows he and Paris are meant to be together: "You know it. I know it. Your life coach knows it." Paris scoffs: "Terrence has been wrong before. When I wanted to get the pageboy haircut? Remember that?" Doyle says he came back to reason with Paris, even though he could have hooked up with a really hot chick that night. With alarm, Rory realizes that he's talking about her. "I don't see how that's going to help your case, Doyle," she says, with significance. "At all." Paris agrees. "A really hot chick?" she laughs, looking again at the coat. "With rhinestone buttons? Who was it, Sheila E.?"
To escape, Rory reluctantly joins Logan in the hall, giving him two minutes to state his case while she slumps by the door. Girlie, it's been said before, but I'll say it again: stand up straight. Simple hump prevention! An even better idea: simple chump prevention, which could be achieved by not actually listening to Logan as he yammers on, repeating the same excuses that, to him, he and Rory were broken up when he slept with all the bridesmaids and, in any case, those shenanigans meant nothing, etc. We've heard it all before, but what I love about it is that Logan really spreads himself doing the old "I thought it would be hard to be your boyfriend/stay faithful to you/live with you, but it wasn't, because I actually felt an emotion and I love you, so now I deserve a medal for it" routine. Yes, congrats for acting like a human being, Logan. He really pushes the point about honestly believing that he and Rory had officially broken up before sleeping with those other girls, and she finally has to acknowledge that, fine, maybe he did, and that, in his mind, he wasn't cheating on her. He's kind of too desperate about it, almost tearing up, and I momentarily feel sorry for Logan when he seriously asks if she wants to make one of her famous pro/con lists about the situation, because he feels it may come out in his favor. Rory considers the whole thing for, well, ONE SECOND, before shrugging and saying that she'll have to go back in and tell Paris she's leaving with Logan. Hello? That's...it? The breakup that lasted a total of one hour? Rory, you should have slept with Doyle when you had the chance. Then you could have been all "Logan, do you really believe in your heart that I thought we were still together thirty minutes after I left the wedding? Because I thought we were broken up! So I loaned Doyle my brocade coat, and he looked so cute in it, I had to bang him. It was meaningless, though. Paris doesn't care, because she forgives me everything. Wanna get back together now?" Seriously. Shut up, BOTH of you.
Rory opens the door to tell Paris she's going and quickly slams it shut. "Whoa," she says. "They made up. Either that, or krav maga is way kinkier than I thought it was." Logan says that Rory can just call Paris tomorrow. "Yeah," she says, lackluster. "I can just call her from...home." She slumps toward the stairs, looking back with her big, sad eyes when Logan asks if they're okay. "Yeah," she shrugs. Like mother, like daughter. When are these Gilmores going to learn to express their displeasure with their relationships? It makes no sense that women who are so hyper-controlling about every other aspect of their lives just hem and haw around the things that are actually important to them, thus creating needless drama. Which I guess is what the writers think makes it compelling television when, in fact, it just makes me want to throw my TV into the driveway and chop it with an axe.
At Luke's, Lorelai comes out of the shower, alarmed by a killer spider. She has been calling Luke, she says, to come and get the bug, which she's trapped under the soap dish, but he's been on the phone. He goes to get the thing and realizes that the spider has a posse. "There isn't a soap dish in town big enough for these guys," he says, going to get a huge pot. "I just gotta trap them, then move them out of the shower, and then sell the building." He's busy with the spiders, so when he tells Lorelai about April calling and asking him to be a chaperone on her math team trip, he can't see her face fall and look sad and worried. Of course, when he comes out of the bathroom, she encourages him to go: "I know that traveling across country on a bus full of Little Man Tates has been a lifelong dream of yours." In that case, he says, he will go. As a matter of fact, he's already mapped out the route and everything and is excited about seeing the Liberty Bell, which he's never seen. Wake me up when he's not talking about the map anymore. What the hell have these writers done to Luke? He carries the spiders out, Lorelai telling him to try to find someplace shady, "ideally near a talking pig."
Lane and Brian are moving back into the apartment they used to share with Zach. Well, Lane's moving her stuff in while the guys play videogames. "Hey," Brian asks, something suddenly occurring to him about the apartment. "What happens when you guys get married?" Zach snorts: "Well, we finally get to have sex." Lane admonishes him, and tells Brian that they haven't really discussed it yet. They proceed to discuss it in front of him now -- Lane thinks they should probably get their own place eventually. "I tell you," Zach says to Brian, "this marriage thing? Major. Every day, something huge to think about." Speaking of huge, Lane tells him, he still needs to go and talk to her mom about the proposal. He assures her that everything is under control, and she goes off to work. "You've got yourself a good woman there," Brian says. "Yep," Zach says, smug. "I do." Yes, you do, but no one can figure out WHY to save their lives.
Lorelai arrives at the diner to find Luke in the middle of a project. He is, to her disdain, sewing up the rattiest duffle bag this side of 'Nam. She is alarmed that he plans to take this on his trip with April, and offers to take him shopping for some new luggage, instead. He refuses, naturally, and immediately proceeds to stab himself in the hand with the needle. Lorelai: "I can't believe you think shopping is more painful than this!" Lane's there, but rushes outside when she sees Rory walking up on the sidewalk. She grabs her friend in a hug. "I have some really, really big news," Lane says, flashing her ring finger. "What?" Rory asks. "You've...become a Shriner?" We cut away, back to inside the restaurant, where Lorelai is still teasing Luke about his sewing skills. They hear the girls suddenly burst into crazy squeals, and turn to see them jumping up and down. "Rory's here!" Lorelai says, delighted. And she is, indeed -- she and Lane run in and accost Lorelai with the ring. "You..." Lorelai says, "won the Super Bowl?" No, they explain, Lane's engaged. "[The ring] is all Zach could afford right now," she says, "but actually I think it's kind of rock and roll." Lorelai smiles from ear to ear. "It's the rocking and the rollingest," she says. "Congratulations!" Lane says she would have told Lorelai earlier, but she figured Luke had already told her. Lorelai is surprised he would have forgotten to mention it. "Fine, sure I forgot to tell you," he says. "So what? I remember being engaged to you, isn't that enough?" Hilarious joke, Luke, except not all that hilarious since you can't seem to remember anything else about Lorelai lately such as that she's an actual human, with feelings, who you made swear to be 100% honest with you, and to whom you then turned around and lied. Remember that? I DO.
Lane is called away by customers, and Rory sits down, excited for her friend and wondering if Luke will make them celebratory s'mores. "For you," Lorelai says, "anything." Lorelai says that seeing her there is a nice surprise: "I didn't expect it, you being the modern busy woman and all." Rory says that she can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan, and that she just felt the need to get a Stars Hollow fix for a few days. Lorelai says she can play hooky from the Inn for Rory, and asks what's new. Rory tells her that things are back on with Logan, and that he explained everything about the whole bridesmaids "misunderstanding." Lorelai is surprised. "Everything's good," says Rory. They are interrupted by Luke bringing them plates of food. "Here, get started on these," he says, smiling at Rory. "And I'm making you some s'mores." Rory sighs: "He's the most beautiful man in the world," and one can't argue, even if he is acting like kind of an ass right now.
Later, at the Inn, Rory is doing some work for the paper, reviewing a lacrosse piece turned in by her editor, A.K. "When I criticize a piece, you think I hate it," she says, "and when don't criticize a piece, you think I hate it. Do you want me to hate you, A.K.? Because it's becoming a distinct possibility." Really, the only one doing any hating around here is Michel, who is trying to work at the hotel desk, and is annoyed by Rory's loud, intrusive interruptions to his day. Oh, and she is also using his Post-it Notes, which apparently is what passes for a comic setup on this show now. He acts bitchy about it, and Rory asks if he'd like her to reimburse him for the seven pink notes she's used. Apparently, Michel has some kind of insane, pointless system using the notes -- Lord only knows why, since he has a computer right there in front of him which presumably contains guests records -- and her use of the pink stack has now made all the stacks uneven, "creating the illusion that more guests have been checking out than have been checking in, which of course is a physical impossibility, unless we have begun murdering them." Rory looks at Michel hard, no doubt calculating the number of notes it would take to properly keep a record if she murdered him and his little dogs, too. Lorelai walks up to find them staring each other down. "I was just filling your daughter in," he says, "on the inner workings of the Dragonfly." Lorelai sighs, asking what Rory did. "I took some Post-Its," Rory drones. "But," Lorelai gasps, "the system!" She gives Michel her sincere and deep apologies. "She was raised better than that," she says, slapping Rory's hand. Michel sighs the sigh of the damned and says in a hate-filled voice -- you know, his regular voice -- that he's going on his break. "He seems good," Rory says. "Yeah," says Lorelai, "it's the yoga."
Lorelai gets a call on a her cell, from Emily. "I'm calling you from the car," she yells, and Lorelai holds the phone away from her ear. "Yeah," she says, "well, you're not calling to me from a car, so stop yelling." Emily agrees, and while Richard drives and wrestles with the car's new GPS, she asks Lorelai the distance between Preston to New London. They seem to be near the first, but should be in the latter at an Estate Sale. The GPS apparently cannot be operated while the car is in motion, and Emily admonishes Richard for buying something that was supposed to keep them from having to pull over every time they needed directions. "If I told people," Lorelai says to Rory as she listens to all of this over the phone, "they wouldn't believe it." She hits her speaker button so that Rory can listen, too, as Emily shrews on and on about the technology controlling their lives and Richard gets more frustrated with the GPS, which will only speak German. Lorelai jokes that it's too bad they're so off-course, and that time they should call before leaving so that they can swing by Stars Hollow. Emily, however, doesn't get the joke, and takes her up on it, especially after hearing that Rory is there. They will be stopping by, she says, around 4:30.
Zach arrives at Mrs. Kim's, prepared to put his proposal plan into action. He's even wearing a tie. MamaKim brusquely announces that Lane is not there and that, incidentally, there are laws against stalking and that he could go to jail. No, no, Zach assures her, he isn't there to see Lane. "I'm just looking for a..." he stalls before grabbing up the nearest thing in the store, "...doorknob." Mrs. Kim tells him that will be $75, cash or credit. "Wow," Zach says. "Could you throw in a door?" Actually, he goes on, what he's really there to do is talk to her: "I want to marry Lane." This sets Mrs. Kim back, clearly, but he troops on: "I know Lane's your only daughter, and I know how important she is to you, but I really love her. She's smart, and hot -- well, not hot in a slutty way -- she's beautiful and cool and she's an awesome drummer." Sweet. He doesn't give Mrs. Kim a chance to interrupt, whipping out his work recommendations, showing that he is a good worker and will probably soon receive a promotion making him eligible for health benefits. He gives her a copy of his current bank statement. "It's not a lot," he says, "but it grows a little every month, except for maybe this month -- that doorknob's gonna set me back a little bit." Mrs. Kim looks it all over and says she thought that being a musician was his true calling. "Yes," he says, trying to assure her, "but that doesn't mean I'm into drugs, or looking to do the whole Babyshambles thing. I just like to play." Mrs. Kim asks if he has a demo, and he says he does, but swears that the music never interferes with his day job. "Bring it to me," Mrs. Kim says. "I need to know whether you can provide for Lane." Zach waves his papers around. He can provide, he says, as he's shown her. But Mrs. Kim, because she is awesome, harps on the music and insists on hearing the demo. "But...what are you gonna do?" Zach says. "Because, rock, it's very subjective." Mrs. Kim says that she will listen and evaluate it. I love the thought of Mrs. Kim writing record reviews for like, some pretentious music magazine. I'd listen to her, for sure. "And," she adds, "you haven't mentioned anything to Lane about marriage yet, right?" Zach's eyebrows go up. "Oh..." he says, "no. I came to you first." MamaKim nods, saying that's good -- there's no need to get Lane's hopes up "in case things don't work out."
Rory is following her mom around the house while Lorelai throws everything of any interest or value into a trashcan. She tells Rory to throw away anything that might be incriminating. "Anything," she says, "that can, could or might lead to a conversation about anything!" Rory picks up a copy of the recent Vanity Fair featuring Lindsay Lohan. "Are you kidding me?" Lorelai says, ticking off the many subjects the picture will inspire: "Skin cancer, drug abuse, anorexia...bra shopping...dump it!" She hides all the flowers and pillows, saying that these things might make her parents comfortable and therefore want to stay longer, and that is unacceptable. "Well," Rory suggests, "we could hit them over the head with mallets when they walk in the door." Lorelai briefly considers it, but has a less dangerous idea: she says that she has some incredibly bad perfume that Luke gave her for Christmas that she can spray all over the house: "It's like a cross between Love's Baby Soft and Curious by Britney Spears, with just a hint of Lysol thrown in. God bless him, he tries." Ew.
The doorbell rings, and Lorelai swings around to answer it (showing a little leg as her wrap dress flutters, ahem, hello). It's Sookie, who is carting in a meal that looks enough to feed ten people. Sookie: "Food!" Lorelai: "No, I'm Lorelai." Sookie: "HEAVY." Lorelai: "Now, that's just mean." Look, I don't want to have to point it out, yet again, but the fat jokes this show are about the lamest thing it does. Well, not lamer than setting up sexual-but-not-romantic-tension between two characters for like, twenty years, and then finally getting them together only to drive them apart with a secret kid. That trumps all. In any case, Lorelai thanks Sookie for bringing over this meal for her parents, but then turns right around and acts like a jerk about it after seeing that Sookie has brought the "wrong" kinds of food: mac and cheese, taquitos, and mini hot dogs. Apparently, when Lorelai said over the phone that she was expecting her parents later, Sookie, in the din of the kitchen, heard something about her being an expectant parent and rushed over with her favorite foods to help with her "cravings." Ugh. I can't even deal with how dumb this scene is. Y'all know I like this show, but I guess now, halfway through the recap, is soon enough to tell you I hate this episode. Its great saving grace is all the Zach/Mrs. Kim stuff. Sookie is disappointed that Lorelai's not pregnant, but helps her put a silver lining on the food. The mini hot dogs can be "bratwurst," the macaroni can be "pasta à la Sookie" and the taquitos, "bellinis." Lorelai sighs. "And the chili fries?" she asks. "Are chili fries," Sookie answers. Let me tell y'all something: if I had a friend who was willing to bring a big vat of chili fries over to my house at my beck and call no matter how ungracious I acted about it? I'd buy her a car.
Rory comes in, saying she's cleared out all the comfortable stuff in the house and has lowered the thermostat to fifty-five degrees to "insure minimal post-meal lingering." Lorelai smiles: "Yale-educated." They continue to try to get stuff ready until Rory runs in to say that the Gilmore Jag is in the driveway. They go outside to find The Grandparents wandering the yard, judging the paint job and casting aspersions on Luke's boat in the garage. Typical delightful behavior. I'd say it's unrealistically written, but honestly, the reason I had to take away my own mother's key to my home was not because I was afraid she'd walk in on me in flagrante but because I'd occasionally get in from work and find my furniture rearranged. It happens. When Emily is done berating the outside, she comes in to bash the inside, saying that the wainscoting done in the living room was clearly not done by a real professional. "Well, since mine was a fake professional," Lorelai says, in the best line of the episode, "I got to pay him in Monopoly money." Sookie walks in, like the maid or something, to announce that dinner is served, but they can't even make it to the kitchen before Emily disappears to snoop around upstairs. "Three minutes gone," Lorelai says, "and they're already in my bedroom." Rory sighs that they'll find it particularly impressive with all the throw pillows, blankets, magazines, and books piled up and hidden in the bathtub. "Ugh," Lorelai says. "That's gonna take some explaining."
Zach has returned to Mrs. Kim's to get her official review of his demo: "Nothing catchy." She says that there are good bits here and there and that Lane can really pound the skins (hee!), but that none of the songs is a hit. Zach says that tons of great bands don't have hits, but Mrs. Kim says that she doesn't care about those bands; she cares about his and Lane's band: "Don't you care about your band?" "I care a buttload," he insists, and says that he can't just pull a hit out of the air. "You will," says Mrs. Kim, "if you want to marry Lane. You write a hit, you become husband!" I absolutely love these scenes with Mrs. Kim the rock critic/pushy musical svengali. week she'll have a big afro like Phil Spector and shoot someone in her foyer. Mrs. Kim and the Great Wall of Sound! Oh, yeah, that's a totally accurate spoiler. I read it on the internet. Zach says that he'll do his best and try to write a song. "Don't try," she tells him. "Do." She supplies the formula: "Three and a half minutes, tops, and radio-friendly!"
Back at the CrapShack, Richard comments that the pasta à la Sookie is delicious. Welcome to America, Grampa. Rory's cell phone rings, apparently not for the first time, and she turns it off -- declining, as Lorelai suggests, to go ahead and answer it in another room. Emily bitches that Lorelai has made so many changes recently, it's like she has a new house -- one that she did not involve Emily in, at all. Lorelai tries to cover, saying that she was certainly going to invite Emily and Richard over when everything was finished. She hears a knock at the door while she's explaining this, and goes to answer it, finding Luke standing there. "My parents are here," she whispers, causing him to about-face, without a word. When she gets back to the table and Emily asks who was at the door, Lorelai tells her it was Ed McMahon: "He's always showing up with these huge cardboard checks. They're impossible to endorse, by the way." Emily sighs: "I am never not sorry that I ask these questions." A lot of GG fans are possibly too young and innocent to remember the Ed McMahon endorsement of American Family Publishers, a company that ran a sweepstakes the result of which, if you were one of the fictional people to win it, was a person arriving at your door with a ten-foot bank check for millions of dollars. Well, many, many class-action lawsuits later, and the sterling name of Ed McMahon, entertainment legend, ended up slightly tarnished because of the whole sweepstakes biz. Let that be a lesson unto you, okay? When you are seventy-five and an eighty-year-old Justin Timberlake appears on your television trying to sell you magazine subscriptions or diabetes medication, don't trust him just because you once loved him as a Mousketeer.
The Grandparents begin a weird, roundabout conversation about how you can live somewhere your entire life, but never feel at home. Lorelai says that Stars Hollow will always be home to her, since she has lived there for twenty-one years and doesn't plan to leave. "This house does have a certain charm," Emily says. "It feels very homey. I could see you and Luke here." Lorelai waits a beat for the backhand to come, but it doesn't. "Wow," she says, amazed. "Thank you, Mom." The completely underused Richard realizes that the hour is late and that they need to get going, and the G-Units take off, to Lorelai and Rory's relief. "Your parents are exhausting," Rory says. "Not as exhausting as your grandparents," Lorelai says. They discuss the parameters of their food binge, and Rory picks up the paper to look for a movie to go see that night. She sees a luggage ad Lorelai has circled for Luke, and Lorelai explains about April's trip and Luke's ratty duffle bag. "He's really excited about it," she says. "That excitement might end when he arrives in Philadelphia and discovers that his underwear fell out somewhere around Amish country. The Amish, however, will be psyched." She moves on to the movie choices, but all this April talk has Rory scheming. She asks Lorelai if she's met the girl yet. "Not...officially," Lorelai says, causing the entire viewing audience, including myself, to writhe again with righteous indignation. Rory continues to quiz, asking what Lorelai knows about Anna. "Not much," she says. "Apparently, she's incredibly beautiful; she grew up here; she owns a store in Woodbridge; and Miss Patty thinks she was Mata Hari in a former life." Rory has a cunning plan: she wants to go to Woodbridge and spy on Anna. Lorelai flatly refuses, saying that's weird and creepy and that Anna is not "the other woman; she's another woman!" She tells Rory no, and that Luke has asked (off-camera, I guess) that she stay out of the whole thing, so that's what she intends to do. Rory shrugs, agreeing, and they make plans to go see the last half of Nanny McPhee followed by the first half of Final Destination 3 which, sure, is the perfect combination.
The day, Rory and Lorelai walk to Luke's, arguing about the stupid FD3. Lorelai's issues with it parallel my own: why would someone trying to escape death, after nearly dying on a plane and on the highway, then choose to go on a crazy roller coaster? And furthermore, if this is Final Destination 3, just how final were the first two destinations? I mean, I haven't seen any of those movies, but these are my questions. Rory says that she has to go and run some errands and will meet up with Lorelai, later. Passing Zach, who is battling a new song in the gazebo, she heads to...duh duh duuuuuuuuuuuuuuhnnn!...freakin' Woodbridge.
Rory finds Anna helping a customer with a t-shirt that reads "Your Boyfriend Wants Me." The anvil-shaped hole in my roof is causing a draft. Rory tries to be casual, looking at an old stewardess bag for sale, when Anna comes over to talk to her. She is very friendly, of course, and when Rory compliments her stock, she says that she tries to carry mostly one-of-a-kind stuff. "I'm really into the whole 'this is mine, you can't have it' scene," she says. "Must be only-child syndrome." Rory nods: "Ah, yes, I know it well." The thing is, as an alert reader pointed out, Anna ain't even supposed to be an only child. There's a brother, right? Who helped April with her DNA science test? Rory looks around as Anna goes back to help the original customer who has tried on an unflattering shirt. "No," she tells the girl, who thinks maybe she'll look at it in the mirror. "Trust me: at this moment, I am your best friend." Rory looks kind of worried: FakeLorelai is nice.
At the Inn, Kirk is engaging in some of his customary ridiculous behavior. Seems he has become a realtor-trainee, and has decided to use the Dragonfly as his office. He's annoying and speaking on a cell-phone headset, talking about himself in the third person. "I just need a temporary place to conduct my business," he tells Lorelai, "and potentially have sex with prospective clients." Lorelai stifles her gag reflex as he explains: "That's Kirk's other thing -- the young, virile, eye-candy angle, for lonely widows and aging divorcees." Lorelai sighs and pushes him out, at which point he drops the bomb: Lorelai's own parents are using his services to look for a place in Stars Hollow. The entire firm is working on it. "This cannot be happening," Lorelai says...
...and when Rory arrives later, jabbering on about a hot dog craving she's having, Lorelai tells her daughter the nightmarish news. "But why?" Rory says, horrified, as if she herself is faced with the villain of Final Destination 3. Lorelai figures that it's because she and Luke are planning to get married and the Grandparents will want to be nearby in case more kids come along. Lorelai is freaking out. She says she moved the thirty miles away from her parents to create a buffer between them: "When my mother says something that makes me want to kill her, I have do drive thirty miles to do it. Ten miles in, I usually calm down, or I get hungry, or I pass a mall! Something prevents me from actually killing her." Lorelai says that the buffer is her mother's best friend: "Take away the buffer, and you got Nancy Grace camping out on Miss Patty's lawn for a month!" "Let me distract you with a present," Rory says, handing Lorelai a bag. Lorelai is excited, and loves the Pan Am stewardess bag...until Rory tells her where she got it. Lauren Graham, once again, gives great face as she listens to Rory tell of her sneak attack on Anna's store. "I told you," Lorelai says, "I didn't want to go there." "Well, you didn't," Rory says, surprised that Lorelai is upset. "I did." She asks what the big deal is that she went, and Lorelai says she promised Luke she'd stay out of it, and that she trusts Luke because you should be able to trust your fiancé. "Oh, right," Rory snarks. "The way he trusted you when he found out about April?" Daaaaamn, Rory. You went there, and it was wrong, but I have to hand it to you for that one. Of course, when you then go on to hound your mom pretty cruelly about the whole Anna thing, asking repeatedly if she isn't curious about how Anna looks, acts, or about her taste in music, you're once again on my hate list. Lorelai's pissed. Really, really pissed. "Rory," she yells, incredulous. "Stop. Drop it. I mean it." Rory goes all petulant. "Fine," she shrugs, like a teenager. "I guess you don't want the purse, then."
It's audition time for Zach at Mrs. Kim's. He plays her the chorus of his new song which, though it attempts the paltry rhyme of "commotion" to "distortion," is kind of good. Well, it's not all that bad until Mrs. Kim makes him play it five times, which is what happens . In any case, she likes the song, but it's not quite there. He is exhausted, and says it's hopeless, but she pushes him, suggesting he go out on a minor chord. This intrigues Zach, and he tries a few. "That is better," he says. "Very Ray Davies." She says she was thinking more Dave Clark Five, but that it doesn't matter, because going out on that minor chord makes it a hit song. "It is!" Zach cheers. "We wrote a hit song. Mrs. Kim! We wrote a hit song!" She stands and declares that now they must go inside. Zach runs after her, talking about how his normal songwriting system hasn't worked for him nearly as well as hers. She isn't listening, and instead calls Lane downstairs, saying that Zach has something important to talk to her about. "Yes, Zach?" Lane says, all nervous and fluttery. He's so excited, he's forgotten his original mission: "Your mom and I just wrote a hit song!" Hee. Lane is confused, as he goes on and on, but Mrs. Kim puts him back on track. She sets a kneeling stool on the floor, hinting hard, and he snaps back to it. "Oh, sorry," he laughs and, kneeling, proposes to Lane again. She says yes, again, and cries as he puts her Shriner ring back on her finger. "Hold on," Mrs. Kim says, pulling another ring from her pocket. "This ring belonged to my grandmother. Now, it belongs to you." Lane is breathless, and thanks her mother. "That one," MamaKim says, pointing to the original ring, "you keep in drawer so it doesn't scare the children." Lane and Zach are happy, especially when Mrs. Kim gives them a whole fifteen minutes to be alone and discuss their future. Zach sits down and excitedly plays the song he just wrote with his future mother-in-law. I cannot stop laughing about the song my husband might write with my own mother. It would be called "Al Is Great; Don't You Hate Her?" and it would be all about how I am so awesome and fun, but how I refuse to do things their way -- their shared complaint in life.
Apparently, despite their earlier fight, Lorelai and Rory have made up to the point where they are back making the movie rounds, watching Final Destination 3 yet again. Lorelai is overly incredulous about the stupidity of this film, wondering how it ever made any money whatsoever. They are interrupted, to Rory's relief, by Cesar, who says that Luke has gone upstairs to get on the phone to yell at a vendor. Speaking of phones, Rory's rings yet again. She ignores it, asking what Lorelai wants to do after dinner. Lorelai smiles: "Do you want to rent Final Destination 1 and 2?" Rory sighs as Lorelai compliments Cesar on his fancy new bag, on the counter. He says that it's Luke's, and that it just arrived today. "So," Lorelai smirks, "I finally wore him down, huh?" Rory looks pained. She says that Lorelai might not want to know, but that Rory noticed that bag today in Anna's store, which stocks one-of-a-kind stuff. Lorelai tries to laugh it off, but excuses herself to go up and see Luke. She hangs out for a second, waiting on him to tell her about the bag, first, but he doesn't. "I see papa's got a brand new bag," she jokes, and it finally dawns on him what she's talking about. He brushes it off, saying that Anna sent it over without his asking. Lorelai tries to act like it's great, and that it doesn't bother her, but obviously -- to everyone on the planet besides Luke -- it does. She goes back downstairs, repeating the whole story, including the "I'm fiiiiine" angle to Rory, but...she ain't fine.
Later, Rory arrives back at the apartment to find a very worried Logan. Apparently, she split for Stars Hollow without telling him where she was going, and answered none of his many calls to her cell phone. Allegedly, he was concerned. She blows it off, saying that her cell died and that the trip lasted longer than she expected, blah blah blah, now she's back and is going to take a shower. "Wait," Logan says, trying to stop her mad rush. "Is everything okay?" Sure, she assures him, just like her mom. "Everything's fine."