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Lorelai and Christopher attend a Yale journalism panel on which Rory shines like the perky, pushy little star she is. Afterward, Lorelai makes the tragic error of agreeing to babysit for Gigi when Christopher has a family thing. Gigi behaves like a "feral hyena," and when her dad picks her up, Lorelai suggests that Chris apply some discipline. He reacts badly, but later calls to apologize, saying the single-parent thing is really hard for him. Zach goes in search of his old bandmates and finds Gil and Brian playing the most awesome bat mitzvah ever. He wants to put Hep Alien back together; the others agree as long as he can get Lane to return. He goes the extra mile, asking Lane to marry him. For reasons unknown to us all, she accepts. Rory goes with Logan to his sister's wedding and ends up getting roped into hanging out with The Cavalcade of Wretched Dresses and Hairdos, a.k.a. "the bridesmaids." She finds out that Logan slept with at least two of them. She and Logan have a showdown. Logan tells her it meant nothing, but Rory says she's moving out. She returns to the doo-wop apartment and throws herself on Paris's mercy. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Luke is serving breakfast at the diner and tells Lane (who I am so glad to see has not disappeared from the Earth) that they're getting backed up. "Done in a sec," she says, leaning over some papers. Lorelai comes in, and Luke tells her that, sadly, there is no bacon today, since he has had to fire his meat guy. "How could you fire Pepperpot?" she gasps. "He's so cute, and his mother has that skin condition they can't diagnose." Luke says that the guy never brings what the diner orders. "But he's so sweet," Lorelai says. "And his father has that foot-grafting operation month." Luke says he can't keep a guy on just because of all his family needs. "I know," Lorelai laments, "but he tells those funny little limericks. And his sisters were just surgically separated two weeks ago!" She suddenly realizes that Kirk, to her at the counter, is sniffing her shoulder. He asks her if she just ate a Three Musketeers bar. She says no, and he tells her she really smells like nougat. These are the jokes, people. "Stop sniffing my fiancée," says Luke, and Kirk shakes his head, saying that he can't help it; his senses are more finely tuned these days due to his all-juice diet: "I want to get the healthy glow of someone who consistently goes to the gym," he says, "without actually going to the gym, of course." From what we've seen of Kirk's torso, a few visits to the gym might do us all some good. Luke tries to rush away, casting another look at Lane and snarking that he is busy since he's the only one working today, but Lorelai stops him to remind him of the journalism panel she's attending today at Yale; she wants him to know that Christopher will be there. See how she's following Luke's rule about sharing everything and keeping no secrets? Remember Luke's rule? That he totally broke like a rule-making, rule-breaking ass? Right. Anyway, Lorelai says that Chris is just trying to make good, for Rory's sake. Luke says he's fine with it (of course he is), and goes to get her pancakes.
Lane comes over, finally done with the thing she was working on. It's a psychedelic flyer of her playing drums -- she's trying to get a new band together. Lorelai says it's awesome: "Very 'White Rabbit.'" Lane scrunches her nose. "I photograph so Asian," she says. Lorelai stutters, saying she thinks Ming-Na has that same problem. Cute. I have really missed Lane. I will come to regret that later in this recap. Lane says that she just has to get back in a band. She's climbing the walls with no rehearsals or shows: "You go from having band practice every day, and seeing certain people every day, and then suddenly you're not." Lorelai nods: "You mean Zach." Lane tries to cover for herself, saying that she also means Brian and Gil, but it doesn't work. Lorelai changes the subject, saying she likes all the shiny pens Lane used on the flyer. "They're Luke's daughter's, actually," Lane says. "She left them here last week and I snagged them." Poor Lorelai immediately looks uncomfortable, and now it's her turn to try to cover. Lane says that April comes in and studies or draws: "We even play some games when things get slow. She kicks my ass at Scrabble." Lorelai laughs and looks wistful. She says she used to play board games with Rory a lot: "She'd get very upset when I'd cheat. So cute." Lane says it's hard to cheat with April because she spends the first twenty minutes reading the rules manual. "Rory was obsessed with Battleship," Lorelai kind of desperately jumps in. "I always thought she was going to join the Navy when she grew up." Lane nods: "Well, there's still time."
Luke comes back, seeing Lane chatting away. "Hey, Lane," he deadpans, "how 'bout a raise." Grumpy, but funny. Why are they continuing to torture us with Lorelai's angst over being left out of Luke's relationship with April? How stupid is it that April has apparently met everyone else in town, except Lorelai? Are we supposed to think Lorelai's hands-off approach to the whole thing is noble? Even now? It's been months! I can only assume that this is building up to a world-class nuts-kicking meltdown where Lorelai finally loses it, which will piss me off twice as much. Why can't she just ask to meet April? Or, why can't Luke act right for half a second and introduce them? I hate this shit. If Lauren Graham has to make one more "nanosecond of mournful/millisecond of resigned acceptance" look that only we in the audience seem to notice, her face is gonna freeze that way.
At the paper, Rory -- wearing possibly the most ill-conceived ensemble of the season: a red buttondown with a shrug pulled as tight as Saran Wrap -- is telling one of her staffers to cut down her story: "Simplify your prose. You'll still get your point across, and I won't have to publish a newspaper the size of a David Foster Wallace novel." Moving on, she goes to none other than Paris, who apparently is still working at the paper. Rory tries to give her some notes, but nervously realizes that Paris is not looking at her in the eye. Rory gets frustrated, leaves the notes, and stomps off before anyone can even tell her to shut up. She runs into the heretofore elusive Doyle and gestures back to Paris: "Well, that was unpleasant." Doyle: "Try sleeping with her." Rory says she'll take his word for it. Doyle explains how bad it is: "Last night, she decided it would be fun to watch Saw II at 3 in the morning." Rory asks how he's handling it all. "I believe the psychological term for it," he says, giving Rory some advice she could use, "is 'keeping my mouth shut.'" Rory says she doesn't know what to do with Paris: "She's one of the best reporters we have, but she has really gone way beyond her normal level of nuts." Doyle cringes, saying that Paris will calm down in time. Rory has a brain wave: maybe she should turn Paris's current story on campus safety into a series, to help Paris to rebound faster. Doyle waffles, asking if Rory would do that for any other staff member who was behaving the way Paris is. He says that Paris's funk is just something she needs to get out of on her own. Rory says that he's probably right, and Doyle rushes off, saying he's going to try to sneak home and get some sleep before Paris comes back, wanting to play the jazz trumpet: "Yeah. She bought a trumpet!"
Lane goes to the music store to put up her fancy flyer. She feels pretty good about it until she sees Zach and Joel, the interloper from their ill-fated showcase, playing a little set in the back room. Well, "set" is maybe too strong a word. Zach is mangling a banjo and singing "Take Me Riding in the Car" while Joel Gion, seriously underutilized, bangs his famous tambourine and kicks his mom in the front row to keep her awake. Zach catches a glimpse of Lane leaving the store and casts off the banjo mid-song, instructing Joel to "take it." He runs to the bulletin board, sees Lane's flyer, and rips it down, crumpling it into a ball as Joel flails and gyrates in impromptu performance.
At her apartment, Rory stands in front of a mirror getting ready for her panel as Sonic Youth blares in the background. Logan walks up, startling her, and they do a little vaudeville: him apologizing, her saying "What?," over and over because the music is too loud. It...isn't funny. Logan tells her she looks great. "I see you went with Faye Dunaway in Network," he says. An apt comparison, to be sure, because the outfit is bangin', but I'd like to see Rory up against Faye Dunaway, man. Maybe with some wire hangers thrown in, just to make things interesting. Rory laughs and sits to put on her shoes, saying she's thrown in some "Maureen Dowd come-hither pumps for good measure." Rory, Rory. It's the eyes that say "come hither." The shoes? Say something else. She does look great, though, so who am I to complain? ["Eh, I can't agree. Either the dress itself or the way the blazer fit over it made her look like she had a huge ass, which we all know she does not." -- Wing Chun] Logan says he wishes he could be there to see her panel, but that he has to go to his sister's wedding rehearsal. Rory says she doesn't care, and that, anyway, he would find it boring. He's drinking scotch, trying to get his tie straight, wondering how he got conned into being one of Josh's groomsmen. "He's going to be your brother-in-law," Rory says. Logan says yeah, he's going to be his brother-in-law, but isn't yet. Right now, he drones, Josh is nothing more to Logan than the guy who holds Honor's purse when she shops: "Because of that, I have to spend the six hours practicing to walk in a straight line." Rory says that since he has failed to accomplish that thus far, he needs the practice. "You can always talk to your good friend, 'Flasky,'" she adds, trying to cheer him up. Ugh. I wish Flasky were here right now. Logan says he doesn't get the need for wedding rehearsal. Plus, he says, afterward he has to go to a dinner and hang out with all Honor's bridesmaids, whom he hates. Rory says they can't be that bad. "Oh, no," he groans. "Blondie; Dipsy; Bubbles; Four Nose Jobs; and Charm McGee? All great gals." Okay. "Four Nose Jobs" is very funny. He tries to get Rory to blow off the mixer after her panel so that she can join him for the dinner. She tells him again that she won't have time: "I will be here waiting for you when you get back, and I will have aspirin." ["He's coming back to his apartment tonight, from New York, if the wedding is tomorrow, also in New York? Not." -- Wing Chun] Rory leads the reluctant Logan to the door and shoves him out, shaking her head. Moments later, he rushes back in. "Did you forget something?" she asks, and can hardly get the sentence out before he locks her in an embrace with a big romantic smooch. "You look incredible," he says, dramatically. "Knock 'em dead." It would be so nice and romantic if these weren't twenty-one-year-olds pretending to be, like, thirty-nine. That is my #1 complaint about Logan, and I suppose what Rory allegedly finds attractive about him.
Lorelai walks into the room where the panel will be held, and finds Christopher, waiting. He kisses her cheek in a semi-awkward hello. She tells him he looks nice, and he foreshadows that he thinks his current haircut cost him more than all the haircuts he'd had in his life, combined. "Well," Lorelai says, "it was worth it. It looks very, very...short." Rory comes up, calling, "Mom! Dad!," and they stand up to greet her, forming a nice, backlit family tableau that seriously pisses me off. Do not be trying to get Lorelai and Christopher back together. I can't take that. Although, if they started making out right now, it might redeem both this scene and this episode, which are both lukewarm (not to be confused with Warm Luke) and lame. They bang the "cute family" anvil a bit harder: Christopher tells Rory she's going to do great, and Lorelai tells her she's a natural. "Just remember," Lorelai adds, "if you don't do well, we will stop loving you." They sit down as the panel starts, and Lorelai offers Chris some Milk Duds. The moderator introduces the panel of Ivy League journalists, and I fall asleep for a second.
When I wake up, the moderator is asking the panel to respond to the ethical temperature of journalism "in a post-Judy Miller era." This bugs for about nine reasons, one of which is that I have never heard Judith Miller referred to as "Judy," but we don't have time to think about it, because the bowtied editor of the Princeton paper leaps in pompously to interrupt. The dude takes the stance that all sources should be guarded at all costs, considering the struggles upon which the rights of the free press were established. Here's where the scene goes wrong: when he finishes, Rory jumps in, saying that while she agrees that confidential sources are the greatest and most important tool of the free press, she can't see how the people on this panel are qualified to make any kind of statement about the struggles of reporters pressured into giving up their sources, because they are only in college and couldn't presume to know what they'd do if faced with that pressure. Okay...what? First of all: this is a panel asking you, the people on the panel, what you think about certain issues in the field of journalism. If you're going to answer every question by saying you're not qualified to answer, then don't bother being there. Secondly: HUH? The Princeton guy -- obnoxious though he may be, and Judith Miller's own ridiculousness notwithstanding -- is RIGHT. Therefore, I cannot figure out the smug faces of Rory and her proud parents in the audience. I guess they're proud that she's speaking well; I don't know. "We created her," Lorelai says, smiling broadly. Chris: "Out of thin air." Well, if that's what the kids are calling it these days.
Back from commercial, this insufferable scene is still going on. Rory says that she wouldn't print a picture of the Yale president chowing down at the campus bake sale; however, she WOULD print a picture of someone smashing a pie in the president's face, if said someone did it as a political statement. The Princeton guy chimes in, saying he'd do the very same thing. "Quentin," Rory says in mock surprise, "you agreed with me! I didn't think you were capable." Y'all, seriously, I am not trying to be all mean and bitter -- sometimes I do actually like Rory -- but why in hell did they use this scene? She's wretched. They've also run a laugh track under the "funny" things she says that sounds like it was stolen from a scene of Jack Tripper running into a wall outside the Regal Beagle.
After the panel, Christopher and Lorelai are walking out, continuing to be mystified by the genius the created. "My God," Chris says, "she's smart." Lorelai nods. "She is smart. She's Anthony Michael Hall in Breakfast Club smart," she says. "All me, baby. All me." Suddenly, Chris receives a text message, and says it's from Gigi's new nanny. "Oh," Lorelai snarks. "Does Sienna know about this?" (By the way, did y'all see Sienna Miller's naked torso in the most recent Vanity Fair? Disappointed! Let's just say I felt an unprecedented wish that she'd put on any of these outfits rather than torment the world with her breasts.) Chris is upset; the nanny has texted (messaged?) that she can't work Sunday, when he's going to be out of the house, with family, visiting his dad's grave: "I'm thinking it might not be the thrill for Gigi that it is for the rest of us. This single parent stuff..." Lorelai smiles with much irony. "Fun, huh?" she says. Chris says that he's having an impossible time getting Gigi into any private preschools. "You could always send her to public school," Lorelai says. Chris: "Yes, I could, if I wanted to kill my mother." Uh...do I have to go there, you legions of public-school alumni? Will you rise up with me now and strike down the oppressor? The same oppressor who so braggadociosly eluded mere episodes ago to his miserable track record as a private-schooler? Will you say it with me now? SHUT UP, CHRISTOPHER. Lorelai very foolishly now volunteers to watch Gigi any time he needs her. She has, she says, plenty of Rory's old books and games and will be happy to help him out.
In some pink-festooned room in West Hartford, Gil and Brian are jamming out with their new band, performing at the coolest bat mitzvah ever. This is my reward for getting through the first half of this episode: Sebastian Bach singing "Hollaback Girl," giving it 110%. He is AWESOME. They are less than thrilled to see Zach creep into the room, moving toward the stage. The song ends and the girls go wild. Gil says he can see why Julia Lohman, the girl of the hour, likes the song: "Because it's full of strong female attitude, which I can dig. Now let me tell you, Julia, guys are turned on by that. They like girls with legs and brains -- like, smart biker chicks, you know?" Julia looks a little grossed out, but it's still great. When the cake comes out of the kitchen, the band takes a break. "I think you used a little too much whammy bar during 'My Humps,'" Brian tells Gil, openly ignoring Zach. Zach finally gets their attention, and Gil gives it to him straight: "You're way deep in my bogus bag, and it's Ziplocked shut." Zach tries again, saying that they sounded great, but they're not falling for it. He tries to pull Brian's heartstrings, instead: "So, uh, I reached a new level on Soul Calibur III. Level 50 assassin." Hee. It's cute, and I find myself glad to see Zach...which I will soon come to regret. Zach gets around to what he came for, saying that he wants to fix things between them. Gil says it's too late. "It's not," Zach says, agreeing that he was an idiot: "If I could turn back time, I would." Brian interrupts: "Oh, hey. 'Turn Back Time.' We should add that to the set." Gil nods: "Well, Cher is always a slam-dunk." Zach says he doesn't mean to get all Brokeback Mountain on them, but that he misses them and wants Hep Alien to get back together. They say they won't do it unless he can get Lane back in the band, and Zach tells them to leave that up to him. "I'm gonna reason with her," he says. They are all happy that Hep Alien will soon rock again, and are high-fiving until a relative of the birthday girl comes over to tell them it's "time for the big one." Gil straps his guitar back in place and hits the mic: "All right! Let's bring this whole mishpachah down to the dance floor, 'cause it's time to ROCK-a-dila!" With that, the band busts into "Hava Nagila," and Zach joins in the celebration.
Rory and Logan walk into what I assume is the family's club where Honor's wedding is being held. Rory says that the place is like a labyrinth. "Just keep your hand on one side of the wall and keep walking," Logan tells her. "Eventually you'll find your way out, or get eaten by a Minotaur." They run into Josh, who has lost his cufflinks and suspects thievery. Logan says he'll take him off to find them, being an expert at finding things, and Rory starts looking around for the library, where she plans to do some work. She doesn't make it, however, and is quickly swept up by the bride and bridesmaids, all wearing curlers and sweats and HIDEOUS fur boots, in wedding-prep mode. Honor insists that Rory come and hang out with them while they get ready. She says that the bridesmaids have all been drinking champagne: "I need you to be my designated dresser. You can't say no to the bride!" Rory gives in.
In the dressing room, Honor introduces Rory to the stupid bridesmaids who are all stupid and drunk. Rory takes off her coat, revealing a very pretty dress which is unfortunately about four inches too long, making her appear to be a child playing dress-up. "Is that Carolina's?" one of the bridesmaids asks. "No," Rory answers, all uncomfortable. "It's mine." We're supposed to think Rory, who is always impeccably and expensively wardrobed, didn't get that question? Come on. ["I think she probably meant that it wasn't designer, but was too embarrassed to admit that her mother made it. And I also thought the dress was pretty except for (a) that hideous, saggy bow under her boobs, and (b) Alexis Bledel's atrocious posture." -- Wing Chun] Honor introduces her to the hairdresser, who is allegedly supposed to be the greatest of all time -- a claim I will very soon put to pasture, seeing as how these bridesmaids will soon feature some of the worst hair I have ever seen. Honor makes a toast to new and old friends, and they all giggle and act dumb, especially the one named Walker. Rory seems to be having fun.
At Lorelai's house, Chris is dropping Gigi off for babysitting. He has to call her in from the yard, where she is chasing a cat that Lorelai warns him scratches, bites, and sprays. When she comes to the door and Chris suggests that she give Lorelai a hug hello, she SCREAMS no, throws her coat on the floor, and runs to the television. Chris asks her please to come back and pick up her jacket, but of course she doesn't and he doesn't go and snatch her by her pigtails to come back and do it. Lorelai uncomfortably bends to pick it up, instead, and Chris thanks her for watching his terrible kid. Lorelai says she's looking forward to it. She's found all sorts of games to play, including parts of both Candyland and Battleship. "Which I figure," she says, "we can mix together to form a fabulous new game, Candyship Battleland. War never tasted so good!" HA! Awesome. Not awesome: Gigi, who is already watching TV, and shushes Lorelai when she comes over to sit with her. "Oh, Full House," Lorelai says. "You know, I think the Olsen twins weigh less now than they did on that show." Gigi -- who is supposed to be three, but looks five -- gives Lorelai the glare of death. "Right," Lorelai says. "I get it. I don't like it when people talk to me while I'm watching TV, either."
Honor and the bridesmaids are all dressed and hairdo-ed now, back in the dressing room. A word about the bridesmaids' dresses: awful. Lavender? COME ON. If it's cold enough outside to wear a coat, ain't nobody should be wearing lavender, I don't care if you live in Alaska. I'm talking San Antonio prom awful, here, with these dresses. There are bows. And everyone's hair is PURE '93. Blah. Rory listens as Honor freaks out for a moment about suddenly feeling that the institution of marriage is totally archaic and insane: "Legally binding one woman with one man until they die? It's perverse! Why am I doing this?" Hey, baby, it's only perverse if you're doin' it right, you know what I'm sayin'? The biddies calm her down, reminding her that she loves Josh. She sighs, remembering Josh, and then announces that her slingback is not properly slung back. The drunkest bridesmaid, Walker -- whose hair is styled in a Farrah Fawcett tribute that would make any upstanding drag queen cringe with embarrassment -- lurches down to fix it, nearly spilling champagne on the bride's dress in the process. Honor asks Rory, her designated dresser, to step in, which she happily does. The rest of the 'maids take this opportunity to warn Rory of the handsy dignitaries who will be attending the wedding. The ambassador from Luxembourg, in particular, and a certain red-faced poet who just did a translation of the Bhagavad Gita. "He acts like he's gay," the sole brunette among them warns, "but it's such a ruse. Total perv." Rory nods, memorizing these notes. "Poet, red face. Not gay. Bhagavad Gita. Perv. Got it." Another side note: are we supposed to think these girls are in their mid-twenties? Because, they ain't. They make Rory look twelve.
The wedding coordinator comes to pull Honor away for pictures, and the bridesmaids all freak out about their hair and whatever else. "I tell you what I want," drunk Farrah slurs like a Spring Break redneck. "I want to hook UP with someone tonight." The tall one tells her that pinning a man against the wall and shoving her tongue in his mouth might, just might, come off as desperate. She says she is desperate, though, even to the point of seducing the ambassador to Luxembourg, and they all laugh, giving her other suggestions. The overly tan one who has early-season Friends hair suggests that she take her pick of the groomsmen. They compare notes on the ones they've all already slept with. "There's always Logan," Tall One says. They all snort, and Farrah says she's been there, done that. "Shush," Tan One says. Drunk Farrah: "What, shush? You should talk!" Tan One tries to cover: "Rory is Logan's girlfriend," she says, all casual. Drunk Farrah feels bad, but not really, saying she didn't realize Rory was THAT Rory. She says that this incident with Logan happened before he and Rory were even dating -- it was back around Thanksgiving. Uh, Rory is a little surprised. "Last Thanksgiving?" she asks, obviously upset. Farrah says that it meant nothing. "Walker will have sex with anyone," Brunette says. Tan One chimes in: "And I'm sure you know Logan and I dated. But that was ages ago, eons. Back when he drove a Z3. And then we had a stupid one-night stand back in December, but there's nothing between us, I swear." Rory is doubly shocked, but says nothing. Tall One says she didn't realize Farrah had slept with Logan; she thought they'd just messed around. "No," she slurs. "You said YOU just messed around with him, I meant hooked up hooked up." This tears it for Rory, who looks like she's about to vomit. Blessedly, the wedding coordinator returns and whisks them away for the processional, and as they leave, Tall One assures Rory that her own boyfriend had slept with the entire Upper East Side before they got together, "but now he's loyal as a dog." Rory slumps in a chair, however, and doesn't move.
Back at Lorelai's, things aren't going too much better. Apparently, Gigi has wrecked the joint. "I don't know how you did it, kid," Lorelai says, "but everything I own is now broken or missing." Gigi continues to color, in permanent marker, on Lorelai's hardwood floors, oblivious to this subtle insult. Because she's three. And needs to be picked up by her belt loops and restrained in a corner until she learns how to behave. Harsh? Maybe, but when Gigi looks right in Lorelai's eye and runs the marker across the floor on purpose, because she is the spawn of hell, I don't think any such punishment other than mandatory jail time is harsh enough. Lorelai jerks the marker away, causing Gigi to scream like she's being murdered. "Okay," Lorelai says. "If that's your Donald Sutherland in Invasion Of The Body Snatchers impression, it's a really good one." Gigi takes a breath and begins to scream anew. Lorelai tells her that if she stops screaming, she'll give her a caramel apple (because clearly what this child needs is sugar) ["not to mention that I thought we were supposed to think Lorelai was a supermom who shouldn't have to resort to bribery to control a child" -- Wing Chun], and that seems to do the trick. "Nothing a little eardrum replacement surgery won't fix," Lorelai says, before the demon jumps up and runs into Rory's room, though she has been given strict instructions not to do so. Completely flabbergasted, Lorelai loses it. "I know this is a cliché," she yells, "but just wait 'til your father gets home!" Life lesson: never babysit the child of the man by whom you have had a child, who left you yet again in the lurch for the mother of this new child, and who was subsequently abandoned himself by that child's mother. They should put that in one of those Chicken Soup books.
Logan finally finds Rory, still in the dressing room. "There you are," he says, all happy to see her. He had, he says, looked for her during the ceremony, but couldn't find her. "Where were you?" he asks, opening the door to his doom. "I was here," she answers. Logan is surprised that she missed the wedding. "I'll apologize to Honor later," she responds, flatly. Logan asks her what's wrong. "You didn't say a word," Rory says. "You just let me walk into a room full of girls you'd had sex with." (Though I suppose, technically, he had not realized that she would be pulled into the whole bridal dressing chamber nightmare. Not that he is excused from my wrath, or anything.) He closes his eyes in realization. Rory acknowledges that, fine, he only had sex with two of them; the other one was just fooling around: "Whatever that means. She spared me the exact parameters of the fooling around. You want to fill me in?" Logan tries to begin to say something, but Rory goes on: "You know what? I've got a good imagination; I can figure it out." Logan tries again, but Rory keeps going: "I can't believe it. You didn't cheat on me; you really cheated on me." Logan shakes his head and quietly says he did not cheat on her. He says, Ross Geller-style, that they were "broken up." Rory is incredulous: "No, you were broken up. I thought we were just taking some time." Logan doesn't like the semantics -- he says they weren't seeing each other, thus broken up. "No! To break up," Rory says, "you have to tell the other person. You can't just decide that you're broken up and just go off and..." She says she can't believe she fell for all his dumb tricks to get her back: "The coffee cart, and going to my mother. You went to my mother! Why would you bother going through that? You had plenty of backup! What did you need me for?!" Logan -- whose hands are still in his pockets, irritating me to no end -- clenches out that he loves her. "No," Rory says, "don't." Logan says he didn't lie to her; he just didn't want her to know about any of this, because it was meaningless and he didn't want her to be hurt. He blames it all on the ditzes, saying that they love to cause trouble like this, and that it's all their fault Rory is upset: "I was depressed. I've known these girls forever, it was just companionship." Rory ain't having any of that, though. She tells him not to be at the apartment the day between 10 and 1, because she's coming to get her stuff and, somehow not tripping over her ridiculously long hem, she stomps out.
Over at the diner, Lane is admonishing Kirk for eating scraps off an empty plate and cheating on his juice diet. "I didn't cheat," he says. "I expanded the definition of 'juice'...I feel dirty." Suddenly, Zach walks in, saying an aggressive "hey" to Lane, who tells him they're out of food. He tries to tell her about going to the bat mitzvah and talking to the guys, but Lane interrupts, saying she knows he ripped her flyer down: "Lou said he saw you do it, and I just want you to know that I think that sucks!" Zach says that "(a) Lou's a fathead; and (2) I had my reasons." Lane tries to turn away to keep serving drinks and stuff, and Zach insists that he has to talk to her: "It's all feeling wrong, you know?" He tried to write a song about it and everything, "but it was coming out way too emo, so I decided to just say it." Lane is still cross-armed, not looking at him, but Zach goes on (and I must say, this is my favorite acting from pfTL since I started recapping the show). He says he never feels good -- he wakes up, goes to work, brushes his teeth, goes to sleep, and never feels good. "You don't feel good!" Babette shrieks from a neighboring table. "We got it, go on!"
Luke comes in at this point, asking if something's burning down here. "Luke! Shh!" Lane says, and he backs off, apologizing. Lane tells Zach to go on. "Right..." Zach fumbles, "what was I saying? Oh, yeah. Lane. Will you marry me?" Everyone is stunned, but none more than Lane herself. "What?" she asks, along with the rest of the entire viewing audience who has seen not one ounce of sweetness in this relationship until maybe this moment. Lane asks if Zach's thought about this at all. He pulls out a ring, and she smiles. "Oh my God," she says, "you have thought about this." Zach says he got the ring at the pawn shop: "It belonged to, like, an Elk or a Moose, or something. But it looked cool, and I could afford it, so...I got it." Lane is very moved, smiling and tearing up. Zach's also about to cry: "You're smiling. Does this mean 'yes'?" She puts on the ring. "Yes," she says. "It means yes." The patrons of the diner can take it no more. "For God's sake," Babette yells, "kiss him, sugar!" From his seat at the counter, Kirk chimes in, waving a found bread crust: "Yeah, kiss him, sugar!" Everyone is happy, and even I acknowledge that it's a great scene -- but, damn. Have we all forgotten that Zach is kind of a socially retarded goon who is barely even nice to Lane and can't control his emotions? What is going on here? Plus, they have barely even seen each other since the band meltdown. PLUS, there was that amazing moment with Mrs. Kim when she and Lane threw back some Korean booze and declared Lane past all this Zach bullshit. Why, Palladinos? Why?
Whatever: Zach and Lane kiss, and stare at each other for a second. "So," Lane says, all dreamy smiles. "I should get back to work." Zach says it's okay; he wasn't thinking the ceremony should be that night or anything. "I get off at 8," says Lane. "I'll swing by," Zach answers, and I must be drunk, because after yelling about it when I watched it the first time, I am somehow charmed by it now. "I'm getting married," Lane says, as she floats past Luke, delivering food to the wrong people. Luke -- who must be equally charmed (because of course he would be, as one of his fellow curmudgeonly men has bagged yet another sweet, funny woman) -- says he knows and even sort of smiles as he guides the love-blind Lane around trying to keep her from serving someone the toaster as an entrée.
Chris arrives back at Lorelai's (and I can see daylight outside the door, though I think we're supposed to believe it's night?) to pick up his demon. Lorelai is exhausted, and Chris doesn't even ask why her house looks like it's been robbed for drug money. She tells him that Gigi is asleep in Rory's room. "She's all tuckered out, huh?" he asks. "Uh, yeah," Lorelai answers. "Either that or she knocked herself out when she was throwing books around Rory's room." Chris asks what she means. Lorelai says that when Gigi was done pouring chocolate milk on Paul Anka, she took to the book-throwing. Of course, that was before the spitting and furniture-kicking and the grand finale where she pulled all the sheets off the bed and tried to flush them down the toilet. "You're kidding," Chris says, instead of apologizing and falling to the floor in horror. "Oh," Lorelai says, "I'm really not." Chris shrugs it off and says that Gigi is a spirited kid. "'Spirited,' 'possessed,'" Lorelai jokes. "Potato, potahto."
Christopher DARES to condescend to the woman who raised his OTHER child BY HERSELF by telling Lorelai that three-year-olds can be a lot to handle if you're not used to them. Lorelai's jaw drops, but why she doesn't drop-kick Christopher in the NUTS, is something I cannot fathom. She tells him that Gigi's behavior was not typical three-year-old stuff, and that Gigi was more like a feral hyena. "So," Chris shrugs again," you guys didn't click." Lorelai has to look at him sideways, not believing that he doesn't get it. She says it's not about clicking; it's about Gigi being spoiled and never having heard the word "no" in her life. Chris gets pissed, but Lorelai stands her ground. "I'm not saying it's her fault," Lorelai says. "I'm just saying you could apply a little more discipline." Chris snarks that Gigi's a kid, and that kids are hard. Finally, Lorelai has had enough: "Yeeeeah," she says, neck snapping. "I KNOW kids. I raised one, okay?" I wish so bad she had said she raised one of his. Chris is pissed about the whole discussion, and says he and Gigi are going. He heads down the hall, and Lorelai tries to reason with him further, saying that it isn't just her -- the preschool interviews and the nannies quitting should be more hints that Gigi is awful. Chris makes excuses, getting angrier. "Giving Gigi whatever she wants," Lorelai says, as he carries the crazy kid out, "isn't going to make up for Sherry being a crappy mom and bailing." Chris smarts back that he's had enough of Lorelai's advice and her help, and walks out. Lorelai looks dejected, and even though she has committed the cardinal sin of giving someone advice about his child -- which one should never do, ever, on pain of death -- I have to side with her on this. I cannot stand Christopher, and I can't understand why they keep bringing him back, other than to show us what Rory will be in for if she continues dating Logan.
As a matter of fact, that reality is coming to light right now as Rory sauces it up at the bar to medicate against the Logan breakup. She boozily tells the barkeep to hit her again, though he does remind her that she's on her third one. "What are you, my mother?" she says, demanding another drink and saying that, anyway, she's not driving; she points around, wildly, saying she lives right over...there. A waitress tries to take her bar naps, and Rory gets possessive, saying they are her napkins: "These came with my drinks." Weirdly, I like Drunk Rory. "I'm sick of people touching my stuff," she says, à la Napoleon Dynamite. Rory's joined at the bar by the equally drunk Doyle. Paris has kicked him out, he says. He's been there a while, he says, mixing beer and wine. And Malibu rum. "That sounds bad," Rory says. "Yep," Doyle nods, "it is bad. It's been a long, bad night." Rory sarcastically says that her evening has been really excellent, and they toast to really excellent evenings. He describes his fight with Paris, saying she has been miserable and sitting at her craft table, hot-gluing bead after bead. Rory is alarmed and says it all sucks: "Love sucks." She tells him she has to move out of her place, too: "Logan had many, many blondes for Thanksgiving." "It's terrible when you love them," Doyle commiserates, sweetly. "I wonder how long 'til Logan sleeps with somebody else," Rory slurs. "Bet he already has." She drains her drink as the bartender comes over, but when they make the camera cut, the glass isn't empty. Oops. She tries to order another, but realizes she has no money left after taking a cab back from the wedding. Doyle says he has some in his pants. "I'll hold still while you look," he tells her, which...hee. Good one, Doyle. Clearly not catching on to his clumsy advances, Rory tells him to come on; she'll help him outside.
Outside the bar, Doyle complains that he's cold, and Rory gives him her coat, like he's a little kid. "This is lovely," he says, hilariously. She helps him into the coat and they hug, boozily, until he starts kissing her neck. She shoves him away, asking what the hell. He apologizes, profusely, saying that he misses Paris so much. "Oh, God," Rory says, walking away and looking at Doyle like a disease. "Could this day get any worse?"
Lorelai is scrubbing marker off her floor when the phone rings. It's Chris, finally apologizing. "Well," she jokes, "the house was too perfect. Now it's lived in." He can't respond, and she notices that he's awfully quiet: "Gigi got a gun on you, or something?" Chris sincerely apologizes, again, and says that Lorelai was exactly right. "I'm just so mad at Sherry for taking off like that," he says. "Who leaves a kid?" Lorelai is being big about the apology but can't help putting in a "Well..." Chris says, yeah, he knows: "I tell you, Lor, I don't think I got how you felt about me until now, because I want to kill Sherry." Lorelai says she never wanted to kill Chris: "I wanted to key your car. Which I did once, by the way." Chris says it's not right that Gigi doesn't get a mom; he doesn't want her to feel like she's missing stuff, and wants her to be happy. He can't get her into any schools. Lorelai says that what Gigi needs is for Chris to be a parent -- which will mean his saying no sometimes -- and that it's not too late: "I'll help you in any way I can. I promise. We'll fix this." WHY is Lorelai volunteering to fix anything with him? What is with all the frustrated single parenting on this show? Does everyone have to have a child to take care of? Chris tells Lorelai that she's the greatest, but quickly has to get off the phone when Gigi starts breaking stuff and screaming again.
Rory arrives at her old place and knocks on the door. From behind the door, we hear Paris telling "everyone" to get their bowls and chopsticks out. She opens the door to find Rory, and is disappointed, saying she thought Rory was the Chinese food delivery guy. She grudgingly lets Rory in, revealing that she's really alone: "I ordered food for ten, and I didn't want the delivery guy to think I'm a hog." Rory says she kind of ran into Doyle earlier, and Paris asks if that's why she came over. "Well...yes," Rory says, caught off-guard. Paris rushes to her, saying she's a really great friend for coming over to make sure Paris is okay. Rory can't keep up the ruse: "In the name of full disclosure, I should tell you, Logan and I broke up, too. Today. I'm moving out." Paris asks why they broke up. "He cheated on me," Rory says, "with an entire wedding party." Paris is genuinely, in her way, sympathetic. "Nice," she says. "Men suck." They agree on that point. "They let you down," Paris says, "and then you walk around with a stomach ache for the six months." Rory asks if that's how long the stomach ache really lasts. "I don't know," Paris says. "I hope it's only six months." She says that Rory can stay with her, and can even take Paris's room, since Paris has been sleeping at her craft table lately. I love Paris. "Hey, I just realized," she adds. "When the food arrives now, I can really ask someone to get the bowls." Rory smiles and nods. It's a silver lining.
Lorelai is in bed reading when Rory makes the call. "How was the wedding?" Lorelai asks. "Sucko," Rory shrugs. "I've got a new address for you."