In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Rory and Lorelai have their belated twenty-first birthday party in Atlantic City, and achieve all their original goals of martinis and strange men's phone numbers. They, sadly, do not get to see Paul Anka the Human perform his show. Rory heads back to school, and reveals to her mom that she will have to have a one-time meeting with the school psychologist, a requirement for any student who unexpectedly leaves school. Lorelai and Sookie accidentally come across the perfect wedding dress and all the subsequent wedding plans fall into place. All the signs add up for Lorelai: the dress is beautiful; it's in her size; it's on sale; etc. She sets the wedding date for June 3. Meanwhile, Rory has moved into Paris and Doyle's extra room in their apartment. It leaves much to be desired. As does Paris's attitude as the new editor of the Yale paper. She's crazy strict with rules and regulations, and not making many friends. Lane is struggling back in her mom's house, still broken up with Zach and bitterly miserable about her life. Luke goes to meet with his long-lost-daughter's mom and, after looking April's website, decides he wants to be a significant part of her life. He finally goes to tell Lorelai this, and is struck dumb when confronted with her in her perfect wedding dress. He doesn't tell her about April. It really is the perfect dress. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
It's breakfast time at Luke's, and Kirk needs more coffee. Instead of asking for some, he stands and walks behind the counter to refill his cup. Luke wonders aloud what the hell he is doing, and Kirk said he figured he could serve himself since he saw Lorelai do it the other day. "Lorelai is my fiancée," Luke says, pissed. Kirk asks if the rule is that only people Luke is sleeping with can go behind the counter. "Go behind the counter" --is that what the kids are calling it these days? Luke says yes, that's the rule. "Well," Kirk shrugs, "I don't really know you that well, Luke. I mean, I know what you do for a living, and I know you're a Scorpio and you smell okay, but we've never really connected on a deeper level." Eek. I can't even laugh. The two of them connecting on a deeper level...it will spawn the scariest fanfic since...ever. I can see the titles now: Nutsack Fountain...oh my God. I'm so sorry. We'll move on.
Through the door come Lorelai and Rory, already jabbering in the Gilmorian way. "Why, I believe it's those adorable Gilmore girls," Rory says, all smiles and wearing a sideways airbrushed trucker hat that reads "Atlantic City." They are, as Lorelai says, still flying high on their Atlantic City buzz -- they went there to do a belated birthday celebration for Rory in the way they had always planned. They recap the trip for Luke (after Rory gives him an awkward hug) and Lorelai has a swig of coffee. "What's different?" she asks. Rory: "No Kahlua." Apparently, there was a lot of drinking on their little escapade. "First of all," Lorelai says, "video poker is my calling. I think that I'm totally going to dedicate my life to it." Luke smiles as they tell him all about how they did the trip according to their plans. They played 21 and bought their twenty-one items and got twenty-one guys' phone numbers. "I must say," Lorelai says, "I'm pretty proud of how quickly we got them, and also that no one questioned us when we said our names were Wendy and Lisa." Luke asks how the Paul Anka (the human) show went, since that had been all they talked about before they left, and they sadly report that they had been mistaken and that his show had already closed. Their alternate choices, Lorelai says, were Journey without its original singer, INXS without its original singer, Queen without...you get it, and strangely enough, the James Brown Band without James Brown. Aw, man. They should have jumped on that Journey show. Y'all know I love Steve Perry, but that new guy is allegedly awesome, as well. Anyway, Rory says they did wind up seeing Tony Danza, tapdancing. "Why Taxi never ended up using his musical comedy skills is astonishing," Rory says, awkwardly and with awkward sentence structure. Despite the absolute tragedy of missing him live, they were able to score Luke a Paul Anka t-shirt anyway. "Wear it tonight," Lorelai says, all sexy, as she hands it over to Luke.
Luke says he's going to go and make the girls some burgers, but they have to stop him. Apparently, as they were boozing down the street, they came face to face with his doppelganger. "So, we followed him," Rory says. Lorelai goes on to say that he went into some grungy place and went backstage. "Because he's in the biz," Rory adds, excited. They tell how they cornered him and begged to take his picture so that they could bring it back and show Luke, which they now do. "Luke, I want you to meet Derrick McKinney, your twin separated at birth." They present the picture, and Luke is less than thrilled. "This is a man dressed like Dolly Parton," he says, as the ladies laugh. "You should hear him do 'Jolene,'" Rory says. "Amazing!" Luke sighs. "You think I look like a guy dressed like Dolly Parton?" Lorelai: "Well, maybe a little less with the makeup, but check out the chins!" Har har. Not amused, Luke goes to make the burgers. "He missed us," Lorelai laughs to Rory. This scene is cute and all but damn, these women are so strongly afflicted with a disorder I call "the chattin' blabs" (or sometimes, "the blabbin' chats," it works either way) that I want to drown the TV. I know it's this show's schtick, but here it's schtick for schtick's sake, and it's on my nerves.
Post-commercial, Rory is packing up her car for her triumphant return to Yale when she discovers that she forgot to turn her community-service vest back in. She wigs, saying that since the vest belongs to the state and now that she's stolen state property, they'll give her community service for stealing her community-service vest. Now, remember how I was just saying up there that the pointless yammering gets on my nerves? Please apply to this scene. Also, something crazy is happening here with the lighting, or something. Or for some reason they had to come back and pick up one of the actresses, because the camera cuts back and forth in close-up like they aren't even in the scene together and the lighting is totally different on each of them. Anyway, Lorelai says that she'll turn in the vest for her, and asks what Rory's plan is. She's just going to head straight to Paris's apartment, she says. "I can't believe you're going to live with Paris again," Lorelai says, but Rory defends her choice: Paris and Doyle have an empty room and the price and location are right. She says it's either that or an empty box. "Okay," Lorelai snarks, "but how big an empty box?" Rory ignores this, saying that she also has to rush to campus and beg for spots in a few classes for which she is on the waiting list. She says she has to add two courses to her schedule to make up for all the work she missed. Lorelai says that Rory doesn't have to make up for everything right away, but Rory insists that she does if she wants to graduate on her original track.
Rory says that she also has to buy books and meet with the dean, and "oh, of course, I have a meeting with the school psychologist." This is new and alarming news to Lorelai. Rory says that she told Lorelai that every student who takes unexpected time off has to meet with a counselor when he or she returns. Lorelai insists that Rory had not told her any of this: "I would have remembered if you told me you had to have your head shrunk." Nice, Lorelai. Sure, no driven hypersmart child who suddenly starts committing felonies and dropping out of school needs therapy. I know your treatment would involve shopping and coffee, but maybe, just maybe, that isn't going to be enough. Rory says it's just a formality that the school requires. "You know they're totally going to ask you about me," Lorelai says. Rory is confused as to why her counseling would now be all about her mother, but Lorelai explains that therapists always want to talk about the patient's mother: "Say whatever you want, but make sure you start with 'my mother's very hot.'" Rory sighs. "Sure," she says. "That won't seem at all disturbing to the doctor."
Rory finishes packing, and they get sad about having to separate, though we learn that Lorelai is coming to visit in three days. "With our stupid fight," she says, "I got cheated this year." They hug, and Lorelai calls for Paul Anka to come and say goodbye. When he doesn't show, Lorelai brags that she guesses he doesn't like Rory better than he likes Lorelai. "Fickle pooch," Rory says, and before they can slander him further, they see that Paul Anka has sneaked into Rory's car. "Oh," Lorelai says, "you put bacon in your laundry." Rory says it's just that a dog never forgets his first sugar-toe, and she heads off to school.
Later, at the diner, Lorelai and Sookie are sitting at a table covered in wedding magazines and notebooks. Sookie asks what Lorelai's initial thoughts are about her wedding. "Well," she answers, "it should be legal." Sookie says that's a good start, and dives right into the browbeating. Does Lorelai want a wedding in the town square? Maybe in the gazebo. Lorelai answers this with an emphatic "gazeblah." Which is weird, isn't it? I mean, doesn't she love the town? How about a church wedding? Sookie asks. And here is where I expect the biggest snark to roll out, because hasn't it been made ridiculously clear that Lorelai has pretty much hardly ever been in a church? To my surprise, her face lights up and she says "maybe." Sookie then manically suggests a beach wedding. "No shoes," she sings. "Luke can wear shorts!" Lorelai says no, "but I want to be with you when you pitch the shorts idea to Luke." Not beaten, Sookie says that they should move on to the dress: "Any thoughts?" Lorelai takes a big breath and states that "there should be one." Poor Sookie. "Okay," she says. "Doin' great here."
Luke comes over to ask if Lorelai is going to eat the untouched piece of cake at her elbow. "Why?" she wonders. "You want it?" He says no; it just seems like she's not going to eat it and...she gasps. Luke's trying to get them to leave so he can use the table. He says they're swamped and he needs it. Lorelai insists that being his fiancé gives her extra table time. "You've been sitting there for two hours," he says, and yeah, he's got a point. Don't Lorelai and Sookie have an inn full of tables they could sit at to do this? Lorelai's mad, though, and Luke suggests the alternative of doing their planning at the counter. "You want a counter-planned wedding?" she scoffs. "Seriously?" Hee. Luke's beaten and tells her to forget he said anything. Sookie interrupts to show Lorelai a picture of a dress, saying it's a pretty one. "Hmm. Maybe," Lorelai shrugs. "It's very white." Sookie asks if she's going to wear white, and Lorelai says she's not sure. Luke has to jump back in now: "Of course you're gonna wear white," he says. "Brides wear white. That's the rule." Luke must have been flipping through Liz's old Martha Stewart magazines. He says that his mother and grandmother wore white, so Lorelai has to. Sookie can take no more. "Luke, Luke, Luke," she says. "Do you know who I am?" Luke responds that of course he does, but she corrects him. "No, Luke," she says. "I'm not 'Sookie.' I'm 'Sookie: BFOTB'!" He is not following, so she translates. "Best Friend of the Bride." Thus, she explains, it is her responsibility to take care of the bride during all her decisionmaking processes: helping choose the dress, tasting the cake, etc., relieving Luke of having to "pretend to be interested in things that he has no interest in." Luke tries to insist that he does indeed have an interest, but she shuts him down by shouting "BFOTBEEEEE!" in rather a horrifying way.
A FEW things about this scene: 1) Why would Sookie, a professional caterer, who has been going on and on about catering Lorelai's wedding for many episodes, even going so far as to create the most insanely stunning cake and implying that it was a practice cake for Lorelai's wedding, not be catering and/or making the cake for Lorelai's wedding? 2) Why do they have to write Sookie so wacky/strident? 3) That whole notion of the groom not being interested in his wedding planning is dumb and I hate it.
In any case, Lane comes by to refill coffee, and tells Luke that his turkey melt is up, effectively breaking up what was about to become a throwdown between Sookie and Luke. Lane gloomily asks what they're working on, and when they tell her it's wedding planning, she flatly responds: "I guess there'll be cake." Lorelai says it's nice to know that her own outlook on life is sunnier than a twenty-one-year-old's, but Sookie can't stop with the wedding. She tries to nail down a potential date for the wedding, running through the list of town goofs that can't be there due to conflicts. Michel, for example, is busy every Saturday until February, having signed up for Booty Boot Camp. There are a few other townie conflicts, but what Luke hears and becomes enraged about is that Lulu, Kirk's girlfriend, may already have plans for late May. Luke tries to insert that he won't be moving wedding plans around for people he hardly knows, and Sookie shoots him down yet again. I have never been so happy for a scene to be over.
Especially since the scene involves Paris. She's giving Rory the tour of the apartment building in which they will now reside. I have a hard time believing that such a crap place exists mere moments from Yale's campus, but then again, I have never been there. I'm not even smart enough to enter the city limits of the town where such a school is located. Paris reports that the lady in 5 steals mail, and that they have named the guys in 6 The Chili Cheese Boys, and to "take that description at face value." She doesn't know who is in 7, she says, "because meeting 5 and 6 was enough It Takes A Village for me." They then arrive at their place, 8. "8 is great," Rory says with a scared look on her face as Paris runs down the procedure for unlocking the door. There are about five deadbolts on it, and a complicated system of unlocking and kicking is necessary to open it. Rory is trying not to freak, and is reassured by Paris that the neighborhood is only as scary as you make it: "Those guys downstairs? They just look deadly. Believe me, they don't bother you if you don't bother them. When you have guests over, just tell them they're a doo-wop group."
The tour continues inside. Paris explains that she and Doyle have set up a pretty comprehensive crime-prevention system. Whenever they leave, they keep the radio on and tuned to Rush Limbaugh "so they know we have guns in the house." The lights are all on a timer and they have a recording of barking dogs that they play whenever anyone comes to the door. "You've got it all covered," Rory says. She does wig a bit when she hears a series of loud bangs, and asks if that was gunfire. "No," Paris says, "that was just a car backfiring. The real gunfire actually sounds fake. You'll pick it up eventually; they call it 'ghetto ear.'" Heeee. Thank goodness for this scene. It makes the rest of the episode totally worth it. I, myself, have ghetto ear after living for more than two years in the middle of town where, one fateful night, some kind of situation erupted over my neighbor's Cadillac Escalade. FYI, young people: when you drive an Escalade and your roommate drives a rusted out '87 Tempo...something bad is bound to happen. There's an imbalance there that will lead to gunfire. Paris points out the two bedrooms, and says that Rory need not worry about the hours she keeps, since Doyle sleeps through anything. "I, as you know," she reminds Rory, "haven't slept through the night since the first time I saw The Wizard Of Oz, thank you, Mom." Me neither, Paris. I mean, I love the film, but...well, let's just say it: the flying monkeys. It took me years to figure out what it was that had caused me to grow up hating both monkeys and birds. Seriously, I hate monkeys. That's right. I said it. Especially chimps. I had a serious distrust of Michael Jackson long before that first kid took him to court, just because he lived with a monkey. Anyway, monkeys that fly? Are you kidding me?
Anyway. Sorry. Paris is just getting around to telling Rory about the hot water in the bathroom when the bedroom door is thrown open and Doyle leaps out, tackling Paris to the floor. "AHA!" he yells. "You let your guard down, Gellar, and I did it. I got the best of you." Pinned, Paris counters that she was giving a tour. Doyle demands that she admit defeat, and she refuses, calling for a rematch. "Challenge accepted," he says, and they jump up. As they put on pads and helmets, they explain to the stunned Rory that when they moved into this neighborhood, they figured it would be a good idea to take some self-defense classes. "Krav Maga," Doyle says. "Official self-defense hand-to-hand combat style of Israel." Man, Doyle is awesome. Rory says "oh," looking like she wants to back away slowly, as they continue. "Krav Maga is not about being a tough guy or fighting in a ring," Doyle says. "It's about going home alive, no matter what." Paris adds that it's also a rush, and they go at it, pads on. Paris gets Doyle in a headlock. "Steinbeck! Steinbeck!" he yells, and she pauses. "That's not your safety word," she counters, and he takes the advantage, knocking her to the floor. The fighting is just awesome, by the way. Seriously, I want to get some pads and go kick my husband's ass right now. Rory tries to insert that she's going to go bring in the rest of her stuff, but Paris and Doyle are too into the fighting. "You've been practicing behind my back," Paris yells, and as she throws another punch adds, "I love you."
On the street of...somewhere, Lorelai and Sookie are wandering around looking for the wedding invitations store. They can't find it, and when they stop to look around, they realize that they're standing in front of a bridal salon. Sookie insists that they go in, but Lorelai is afraid the clerks will look at them funny. Sookie sings that they won't, because Lorelai has the "golden ticket" on her hand. They go in and are immediately overwhelmed by all the white dresses. Sookie grabs the grossest one off the rack and begs Lorelai to try it on. It is a wretched mess of appliqué. "I think that's the one Divine turned down for being too over-the-top," Lorelai responds, and I am vividly reminded of when I got engaged and Pamie came to visit and we tried on The World's Ugliest Wedding Gowns, including, I swear to you, the one Sookie just picked up. So many ass bows, you would not believe it. And then we almost got kicked out when I refused to try on a veil, but made Pam wear a tiara that gave her a really startling resemblance to Glinda the Good Witch. I'd pay so much money to have pictures of that day, but we were too scared to take any.
Lorelai and Sookie don't have time for such shenanigans, anyway, because across the room, Lorelai has seen it. Her perfect dress. Stunned, she drifts toward it. "I don't believe it," she says. "I just turned around and there it is, the perfect dress." Sookie checks the tag and says it's her size. "The perfect dress is my size," she says. "That is weird." They shout, looking for someone to help them, when Sookie makes another revelation: the dress is on sale. They are beside themselves with joy. "That's it," Lorelai says. "I'm trying it on." In perhaps a moment of foreshadowing, as we go to commercial and as she undresses the dummy, she tells the headless display to not get the wrong idea: "I'm not looking for anything serious."
At Mrs. Kim's house, Lane is just coming home from work. She's in a mood, and so is Mrs. Kim. "Look," she says, pulling a dish from a cardboard box. "Woman come in here, tell me this is full set of 1950s milk glass. Does she think my mother drop me on my head when I'm a baby?! I know Nigella Lawson when I see it!" Lane sighs and heads upstairs, but her mom wants to talk, and asks how her day went. "I handed people food for six and half hours," she says. "It's every little girl's dream." Aw, Lane. Mrs. Kim tries again, saying she's going to make kim chee dumplings tonight. Lane feels like picking a fight, obviously, so she says she smells like burgers and fries and will have to take a shower, which will take at least forty-five minutes. Mrs. Kim goes far trying to be nice, saying that's fine, and Lane says she's also going to be listening to music: "And it's going to be music you don't approve of. But, I'm twenty-one now, so I'll listen to the music that I like, when I like, and that's just the way it's going to be." With that, she stomps upstairs, leaving Mrs. Kim to regret not taking that Krav Maga class with Paris and Doyle so that she could put some of those techniques to work on Lane right now.
At Yale, Rory is busy trying to wedge her way into the classes she wants to add to her schedule. She stalks one of the professors down, and explains how enthusiastic she is about trying to get into the class. The ass-kissing is awkward and does not get her very far, and I just hate this scene, generally, because it's the beautiful Alexis Bledel speaking in that weird Rory monotone too quickly and too annoyingly. I'm not even over it when she goes around the corner and runs into Logan and his irritating haircut. "I knew you'd have to hit the coffee cart eventually," he smarms, and she walks away, saying nothing. Once again, some training on the best way to deliver a quick knee to the goolies would have come in handy right here. Paris is definitely on to something.
Luke is putting up chairs at the diner when Lorelai comes in with a huge gold box. "Well," she smiles, "we're done." Luke is astonished when Lorelai goes on to say that all wedding preparations have been completed. She just dropped off the deposit check to the caterer. "I brought you some duck sausage rolls, by the way," she tells him, handing them over, and causing my mouth to water with curiosity. Luke is amazed that everything is done. She gives a big description of the dress and how she found it and how perfect it is -- it even has a cream sash, she says, which is kind of like white, which should make Luke happy. This whole thing makes me renew my rage that Lauren Graham gets the shaft time and again at these award things -- she is absolutely amazing on this show. Lorelai is a complicated mess, and Graham gets the tone right every single time. Scott Patterson might as well not even be in this scene because her joy and excitement totally dominates the screen (though I am glad he is, of course, because I love him like a duck sausage roll). Lorelai describes how, as soon as she got the dress, everything else totally fell into place. The dress is strapless, which made her think summer wedding, which means she can use her favorite flowers (daisies), and she and Sookie found an invitation place that was running a special on invitations. "There were these perfect daisy invitations," she says, "which I know sounds a little girly, but seriously, there are no macho wedding invitations, so please just give me this one, okay?" Luke says okay and she goes on to say that the stationery place was running a special and will print, mail and handle the RSVPs for the wedding. She says that when she and Sookie stopped into a coffee shop, she saw this beautiful picture of a rose-covered church which happened to be right around the corner from the shop. "So," she says, triumphant, "we went in and talked to Pastor Todd." And guess what? The perfect church has a perfect function hall, which Pastor Todd gave them at a discounted rate, and it comes complete with a gorgeous antique working carousel behind in the back which should be fully restored by their wedding date, "which by the way is June 3rd." ["How handy for season-finale purposes." -- Wing Chun] Luke is dumbfounded, but Lorelai says it was like the dress was "a sign or something." Bemused, Luke tells her that there are no signs, but as they are talking, it begins to snow outside, and Lorelai says that that, too, is a sign. "That is not a sign," Luke answers. "That is weather." No, Lorelai insists, it's fate. They smile at each other, and Lorelai actually giggles at one point and kisses Luke before running out to get the dress home before the snow gets too bad. Luke is left to ponder his big secret, and I am left to ponder why the writers of this show would torture us with the perfect wedding arrangements plus the Secret Daughter. Ugh.
At the Yale paper, Paris is welcoming the staff back from break and laying out her rules and expectations as editor. Rory has the features beat, which...is that even a "beat"? Paris says that this term will change the history of the paper: "Nothing less than perfect will be tolerated. Please remember that I am your editor. I am not your mother, or your hugger. If you need some love, get a hooker. If you're having a bad day, find a ledge, or a way to deal. My door is not open to you, ever." Yeah, this is pretty much the speech Wing Chun gave me when I started writing these recaps. I don't know any hookers, though, so I have been hug-free this entire season. Thanks, Wing. ["I told you not to make eye contact." -- Wing Chun]
Rory thanks Paris for the features beat. "You deserve it," Paris says. "You're a good writer." Uncharacteristically sweet coming from Paris. Rory says she knows that Paris will be a good editor, but she, just maybe, might want to ease up on the staff. "I don't agree," Paris says. "Journalism is an art form and the best art is created under oppression, like Stalin's gulag. Do you think Solzhenitsyn could have written One Day In The Life Of Ivan Denisovich on a yoga retreat?" Paris is the BEST. Rory does not have time to really respond to this, as Logan walks in. "Oh, great," Paris says. "I got a call saying your boyfriend was coming back." Rory sighs and says he's not her boyfriend, and that they broke up. "Hey," Paris says, "keep your personal stuff at home, okay? I can't be seen caring about this." She yells at Logan to come into her office and immediately gives him the verbal beatdown, telling him she's not afraid of him and does not care who his father, parents, family, or possibly scary cat is, that she's in charge. "Sorry," he says. Paris: "Oh, you will be."
Rory is showing her mom around her new digs, trying to strike the right note to distract Lorelai from seeing that it's a crackhouse. She's overdoing it, trying to make the place seem livable, and very cutely even tries to run the "doo-wop group" scam on Lorelai who is too busy noticing the multiple locks on the door. "You have some plutonium in there, or something?" she asks, to which Rory pshaws, and grandly opens the door. Rory: "Okay, welcome to my place." Lorelai: "No." Hee. Rory asks her to give it a chance, but Lorelai can't stop walking around, pointing and repeating, "No, no, no," especially when she opens the bedroom door to find Paris and Doyle dukeing it out, krav maga-style.
At Mrs. Kim's antique store, Lane is getting pretty tough, as well. When a customer offers $250 for a chair, she loses it, saying that it is a chair that sat in the bedroom of James Madison and is a piece of history. The customer -- who is very distracting due to her uncanny resemblance to Joan Didion -- apologizes for offending Lane. "You didn't insult me," Lane says, neck-snappily. "You insulted the chair. And the United States of America." Joan Didion says she'll pay the $300, then, but Lane tells her to forget it: "Price just went up, flag-burner! If you want the chair, it's $350. If you don't," she continues, "please leave, because I have a lot of work to do." The lady pays and meekly asks if there is a delivery service, to which she receives a glare from Angry Lane in response. I'm sorry, lady. Lane lost her bad boyfriend and, far worse, her cute band -- which included none other than Sebastian Bach -- so she is super-mad and hating the world. If you were really Joan Didion, you could no doubt counsel her on her grief, but since you're not (or are you?), it's best now that you run away. The lady makes her escape and Mrs. Kim comments to Lane that she forgot to kick her in the pants on her way out. Lane counters that Mrs. Kim always drives a hard bargain, which is true, and that since she herself is the delivery service, she wasn't interested in telling the customer they had one, "no matter how exciting the prospect of a two-dollar tip is!" Mrs. Kim says it's too bad it's not Christmas: "That smiling face of yours would cheer up children for miles around."
Into the middle of all this raging comes Zach. Lane says that he has a lot of nerve just to walk into that place. "What are you talking about?" he says. "This is like, a place of business. Maybe I want to buy some antiques." In unison with everybody in the world, Lane gives a big "oh, RIGHT." Zach quietly notes that she is not wearing her glasses anymore, and says he's there to get one of his CDs: "You know, the one with the crazy-looking chick on it?" In extreme frustration, she says she does not have any of his CDs. He tries to go up to her room and check, but she shoves him and says that if she finds a CD with a crazy-looking chick on it, she'll mail it to him. Awesome, Lane. Stay mad! Zach tries again to get her to go upstairs with him, but she yells that she's working. "Oh, yeah," he says, "I can tell there's a real rush on ancient crap going on here." Hee. Good one, pfTL. Lane kicks him out, and rightly so, and, since she's so good at being mad, throws in an extra "you break it, you buy it" to a nearby customer.
Meanwhile, back at Yale, Rory and Lorelai are having lunch -- Lorelai is really not going for the new apartment. "It's Sanford and Son!" she says. Rory tells her it's an okay place and that she's fine with it, but Lorelai's not having it. "Let's call Daddy," she says, "and make him pay for an apartment with one lock." Rory says no; this is the way it's supposed to be. "I'm supposed to live in a crappy apartment," she insists. "I'm supposed to eat Ramen noodles and mac and cheese for months!" Naw, girl. That's graduate school. If the apartment is convenient and safe enough, fine, but don't try to slum it just because you read somewhere in a book that college kids are poor. You go to Yale. I'd be more mad if Rory did not look strikingly beautiful in this episode. The hair is outstanding, is what I'm saying, and I am filled with jealousy. "This is good, and right, and I'm happy," she says, "and I have roommates who are learning to kill people, so where's the bad?"
Rory and Lorelai move on to talk about the wedding planning, and Rory is as shocked as Luke was to learn that everything is taken care of. Rory says that's great, but Lorelai is now looking back with skepticism. She says that she felt like all these things falling into place were signs, but is now worried that it was too easy. "Planning a wedding isn't easy," she says, "because marriage isn't easy." While the second part of that is true, I have to side with Rory when she responds, "How do you know? You've never been married." But Lorelai says that's exactly it -- she didn't marry Max because she freaked out that it was going to be too hard. Now she's worried that she hasn't freaked out at all about Luke, so something must be wrong. But wait, didn't she freak out about Luke? Isn't she pretty much freaking out 24/7? I'd like to recap the INSANE blabbering she does about being like that woman in The Twilight Zone who is being chased by a woman on a horse who ends up being the woman's older self coming to warn her of the future but...well, hell, I just did it. Even Rory is exasperated. "Okay, King George, take a breath, eat a fry, and listen to me." Rory says that the dress is right, the date is right, and everything is going to be fine. "Remember the snow?" she says. "The snow never lies. Be happy. This is all good." Lorelai sighs and thanks her: "I'm going to miss you when you're murdered and stuffed into the dumpster by the doo-wop group." Rory asks about her own dress, which Lorelai has already bought, and Lorelai answers: "Two words. 'Hoop skirt.'" Hee. Rory says that sounds great, especially in a lovely shade of tangerine, and offers her mother a fry to go with her evilness.
Somewhere...else, Luke knocks on the front door of a house. "Hello, stranger," says the woman who answers the door, and we see that it is none other than Sherilyn Fenn who is playing Anna Nardini, Luke's long-forgotten lover and mother to the Secret Child, pawn of the worst plot device ever forced upon this show. ["That girl gets around; she was also Jess's kind-of stepmother. And didn't that character have some super-smart kid too? Your spin-off failed, Palladinos; quit trying to shoehorn all that stuff in over here." -- Wing Chun] Luke and Anna exchange hellos, and Anna invites him in to her creatively-decorated house ["also reminiscent of her last appearance on the show, hello" -- Wing Chun] which is doubles as a store or warehouse or something for all the stuff she sells. "Clothes, pillows, candles, fabrics," she lists. "It's one of those 'everything' kind of boutiques that used to send you into a 'what do people need with all this crap?' kind of rant." Luke says, "Oh, yeah," kind of shamefacedly, and they have more awkward conversation. I get the Sherilyn Fenn choice and I see that all this wacky junk in her house makes her, like, the pre-Lorelai. If they flog us with this for the rest of the season -- some kind of "Luke was in love with her but that was before he knew what he wanted so now he is in love with Lorelai who is just like her and isn't it too bad that he didn't figure it out soon enough with Anna so they could have been a family together way back then," I will throw my laptop in the trash.
Luke finally gets to the point: "How come you didn't tell me? It was a phone call." Now, here's the thing: when April came in and pulled his hair for his DNA, didn't she say it was between him and two other men? Wasn't the implication that Anna didn't even really know who the father was? And, if so, why should she be made to make apologize for not calling him? "I knew how you felt about kids," Anna replies, adding that she knows he hates them. He's incredulous and denies it. She lists out all the ways he hated kids -- how they couldn't go to the movies before 10 PM or eat at a family restaurant, all because of his hatred of kids. "Okay, fine," he says. "I hated kids, but I'm not that guy anymore." He says he wouldn't have been that way with his own kid, and in any case, he had a right to know. She apologizes, but says that she didn't need him to pay for stuff or take care of things: "It was not my idea for April to call you." She goes on about how smart April is. She's already written a short novel, and has her own website, and is really driven. She wanted to win the science fair so badly that she went through her mom's stuff putting the pieces together. Luke says he just wants to live up to his end of the bargain. Anna says that he doesn't owe them anything, and that they don't need anything, but that if he feels like he wants to chip in, that's fine. He's pleased that she's agreed, and says he'll get going. "Hey, Luke," she says, as she walks him to the door. "Are you happy?" He says he is. "Me, too," she says. "It's pretty cool, isn't it?" He agrees that it is, and leaves.
Rory arrives back at her apartment to find Logan waiting outside her door. "It's a nice place you got here," he says. "I've been discussing the actual baking soda to actual crack ratio you can get away with with your neighbors downstairs. Two to one during the daylight; three to one at night." Rory ignores him completely and goes through the door-opening routine. "This place is a dump, Rory," he says. "You can't live here." Finally, she cracks and says that he cannot have an opinion on her living arrangements, seeing as how he broke up with her through his sister. "You're a coward," she says. "Mr. Life and Death Brigade can't even break up with his girlfriend." He says he didn't mean for it to happen that way, but Rory says that if Logan can't handle the drama of a relationship, he should never be in one. "Which, by the way," she finishes, "you're not. So, everything's good." He says it's not that easy, but she says it is and tells him to go away. "I thought that I wanted to break up," he says. "I thought that it was a stupid experiment, me trying to be your boyfriend, and that it didn't work and I'd just move on." See, yes. That is exactly what happened. Good recap, Logan. Now, please be gone forever. Aw, dang, except that he's now saying he wasn't able to move on. Because, guess why? "Rory," he says, "I love you." Ugh! I have to hand it to Alexis Bledel, here, because she's spent the whole scene struggling with her books and trying to get the door open and she responds to his declaration with nothing but frustration. "I have an appointment," she says, jerking her door open. "I have to go!" Awesome.
We see Rory in the counselor's office. She apologizes for being late, and says she had to reschedule appointments in order to spend time with her mom. "We were apart for a little while," she says, which causes the close-talking analyst to ask if they had a falling-out. Rory says that it was no big deal, but the therapist pushes right in to the issues at hand. He asks her to describe the legal problems and the boat-stealing. Rory's very uncomfortable and defensive, saying that it happened because she was upset about "life and stuff" and is sick of talking about it. "So I spent a night in jail," she says. "Big deal! So did Martin Luther King!" Uhh...the doc asks if she is comparing herself with MLK, and she says she's not and that, yes, she was arrested with her boyfriend who, by the way, is now not at all her boyfriend. "We broke up," she says. "No, I'm sorry. HE broke up. I thought we were just taking some time, but apparently, I'm a moron!" Now, to be honest Rory, yes, you were. "This is Logan?" the doctor asks looking at her file. She is mad that he the doctor knows his name, and asks if he also has picture of him in there, hijacking her in her hallway. The doctor is alarmed, because Rory's beginning to wig. "He shows up out of the blue!" she says. "Saying, 'you can't live here; this place is a dump. And by the way, I love you.' 'I LOVE YOU'?! Is he serious?" The poor doc says he doesn't know. Rory starts crying. "Nothing, for weeks!" she says, waving her arms around. "And then he just decides that he loves me? So, what happens now? I get another Birkin bag?" Let's hope so, girlie. If you do, you could then sell them both on eBay and use the money to put a down payment on a house. "And how long until he doesn't love me again, huh?" she goes on, grabbing the tissues out of the doc's hands to deal with her hysterical crying. "I stole a boat with him!" she wails. "I never stole a boat with Dean!" The doctor asks who Dean is, and Rory explains that Dean is her "married ex-boyfriend who I lost my virginity to!" Doc: "Wow..." Rory: "Yeah, I'm a treat." The Bledel is brilliant in this scene, it must be said. "I don't know what I'm gonna do," she says. "I don't think I can take running into him every day, in the halls and at the paper and at the coffee cart!" A horrifying idea occurs to her: "Oh my God! I'm going to have to quit drinking coffee! And I love coffee!" She breaks down into sobs at this, and the doctor can hardly take it. "I really," she insists, "love coffee."
Back in Stars Hollow, Luke and Kirk are staggering down the street with a laptop, trying to steal someone's wireless connection. Apparently, this a common practice of Kirk's. They achieve contact, courtesy of Stars Hollow Books, and Luke says he just wants to look up a website, though he is reluctant to give Kirk the name. "Wait a minute," Kirk says. "Is this one of those websites? Because if they'll come after Pete Townsend, then no one is safe." Luke grabs the computer and asks Kirk just to tell him what to do. Kirk finally explains to Luke how to use a computer, and we see that Luke is looking up April's website. Aw. Fine, it's cute that Luke's allegedly someone's dad, okay? I like just-like- young-Rory- but-somehow- nerdier April character, but I hate this plot.
Mrs. Kim is locking up for the night as Lane tiredly tells her that all her chores are done, she's not hungry, and she's going upstairs. Mrs. Kim watches her go and finally gets mad. "Lane Kim!" she yells. "Come down, now." Obediently, Lane comes down and follows her mother around as she closes all the blinds and shutters, and into the kitchen, where Mrs. Kim demands that she sit. From the cabinet, she pulls out a bottle of liquor, and pours the most miniscule drops into two tiny cups. "Lane," she says, raising her cup. "It's been six weeks since you came home. You have grieved, and now we move on." Lane pauses, thinking, and finally nods. They toss back their drinks and look at each other, smiling. Mrs. Kim slams her cup down, saying, "One more." Hooray! I need to get some of whatever it is in that bottle.
At Lorelai's, Lorelai and Paul Anka are admiring the wedding dress hanging on the closet door. He barks, and she says she knew it; there is something wrong with the dress. No, he just wanted her to open her closet, so that he could get a shoe. The phone rings, and it's Rory. "Guess who's crazy?" she says. "Me." Lorelai sits down, asking if she should get popcorn for the story. Rory tells her all about seeing Logan and him saying he loved her and how she freaked out in the doctor's office: "I hyperventilated, and had to breathe into a paper bag." Lorelai asks whether Rory believes Logan when he says he loves her, and she says that maybe she can find out week in therapy. Her mom is surprised that she has to go back: "I'm so sorry you're a nut! Don't let them put you on any of those pills. Tom Cruise would be very upset." Hee. Rory says she has to go do a bunch of reading, and Lorelai tells her to remember to blame everything on Grandma. "Will do," Rory says. I have to agree that it's a good idea.
Luke is at his place, staring at the phone, and talks himself into calling Anna. She is at home, having a "major pillow emergency." Now, see, either the writers of this show can only write one kind of woman, or they are trying to beat us down with how quirky and Lorelai-like this Anna character is, and I'm telling you, I am mad about it! Luke is calling, of course, because after looking at April's website, he realized he wants to be a regular part of her life. He's mad that Anna never mentioned that April wore a back brace at some point, but Anna explains that April had just read Deenie, and that it was a phase. Luke says he still felt like he should have known about April from the beginning, and that she had his nose. "There's no one else running around with my nose," he says, prompting Anna to crack, "That you know of." Good one, Anna. Finally, Luke blurts out that he wants contact, and that he wants to know his own daughter, and that he wants her to know him. Anna agrees, and says that if it's all right with April, it's okay with her. Luke makes plans to call back and talk to April. Before he hangs up, he asks what Deenie is. "It's a book, Luke," she says. "And now would probably be a good time for you to read it."
Moments later, we see Luke using his key to walk into Lorelai's. He calls her to come down, saying that he wants to talk to her about something, and she says she will, but that she's coming down in her wedding dress. He tries to stop her, using the old "bad luck" thing, and she insists that she needs him to see it, because something must be wrong with it, since it was all too easy. She comes floating down. Now, there's been a lot of dress bashing all over the internet ["mine was only oral, not written!" -- Wing Chun], but when she comes down in it, I think she looks lovely. There's something very Lorelai about it, I don't know, the shabby-chicness of the tulle and the sash...I think it works. The veil is a bit too pretty-pretty, but Lauren Graham could pull off a potato sack, so honestly, she looks beautiful. Luke looks overwhelmed and in love, and tells her she's perfect. They kiss and she runs back up to change, leaving him to sigh, his secret still untold.