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Lorelai and Rory are reunited! Crazy girliness and happiness take place as they traipse around town engaging in their old traditions. They run into Lane at Luke's and find out Hep Alien is doing a showcase for record execs. Unfortunately, Zach (because he is a boy) ruins everything (they always do) when he gets jealous because Brian is writing a song about Lane. This manifests itself in an awesome way when Zach pulls a Brian Jonestown Massacre at the show and has to be tackled by Sebastian Bach. (Joel Gion, formerly of the actual BJM, guest-stars in perhaps the most bizarre bit of stuntcasting, ever.) Lorelai goes to meet up with Christopher, at his request. Apparently, Chris is a millionaire all of a sudden, and thus feels ready to provide the most basic parental attention to his twenty-one-year-old daughter. He is also going to pay her remaining tuition at Yale, freeing Rory from the iron thumb of her grandparents. All is not good tidings for Rory, however. During Thanksgiving dinner at the Dragonfly, she hears second-hand that Logan has told people they've broken up. And, speaking of unexpected news, Luke tells Liz about his secret daughter, but still has yet to drop that little bomb on Lorelai. Gonna be a long holiday break. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Lorelai is in her room wrestling on some very cute pink cowgirl boots while Rory tries out her mom's brand-new bathroom and is apparently so enthralled that she is (for once) speechless. "Hey," Lorelai says, "make an occasional noise so I know you didn't pull an Elvis." Rory laughs and says she loves the bathroom, and that Lorelai is welcome to come in and use the other sink. Lorelai had forgotten about that perk: "Look at this, two sinks. I'm so decadent. I could brush my teeth over this one and spit into that one." Rory says that the bathroom is now her favorite room in the world, besides the reading room at the British Museum. Lorelai says that Paul Anka loves the new bathroom as well. Rory laughs: "You ever hear that tape of him chewing out his band after a show? 'When I move, I slice like a hammer! The guys get shirts!'" Y'all, please click and listen to it. You will lose your minds. Lorelai reminds Rory that that is the human Paul Anka, not the dog, and that the latter is just hiding until he is sure Rory is not going to break his heart or eat his pigs' ears.
Rory doesn't have time to mess with Paul Anka's emotional problems, though. She whips out her list of stuff she has to do that day. She has already knocked out one task: her engine light was on, and she went down to Gypsy's first thing to get it fixed. "There was only one other annoying early bird ahead of me," she says, "but I bribed Gypsy with a pack of Rolos, and she took me first." Lorelai nods: "She is such a Rolo whore." Rory's list includes a bunch of other tasks: some community service, unpacking, further harassing the people at the newspaper, annoying Yale, etc., so she heads downstairs to get started...
...where she finally encounters Paul Anka who is sitting on the coffee table. Rory calls Lorelai down to consult on how to best approach the crazy dog. Lorelai tells her that she needs to hurry to the kitchen and put sugar on her toes. Rory is skeptical, but Lorelai insists that Paul Anka loves sugar and that, for their first meeting, if Rory puts sugar on her toes for him to lick, they'll be friends forever. It's very cute, especially when Rory buys it and runs to the kitchen to pour sugar on her foot. Lorelai calls out that she should wet her toes first, so that the sugar will stick: "Dry sugar on a dry toe isn't going to work!" Rory sighs, "Oh, geez," and complies, getting sugar all over the floor and herself and heading back out to the living room. "Okay," Lorelai says, "now do the hokey-pokey and turn yourself around! All you have to do is pet him and you're IN!" Rory is flabbergasted and accuses Lorelai of being evil. Rory ought to learn to take a page out of her mom's book, here. Sugared toes are a much funnier joke than all the crap she's been doing all season.
Lorelai goes to the hall closet and pulls out a hatbox full of notes she jotted down during her separation from Rory. Any time she thought of a random topic or something she wanted to share with Rory, she wrote it down and put it in the box. "I missed you, kid," she says, and Rory says she missed Lorelai, too. You know, I missed them as well. I had sort of forgotten that they even HAD a mother-daughter relationship. As they head out the door for Luke's, Lorelai starts reading them off. Some of them are kind of cryptic, she says, like one that simply reads "Lenny Kravitz. Where does he get all his..." Rory fills in what must be the blank: "Where does he get all his money?" They marvel at this, while I shout the answer at the TV. I have long held the suspicion that Lenny Kravitz gets his money from engaging in the gigoloism. What other explanation is there? The same tired song rehashed repeatedly couldn't possibly be the source of his millions, but his ass surely brings in the dollars. (That was...tacky of me, wasn't it? Lenny, I'm sorry. ["He does have a sweet ass, though." -- Wing Chun])
Almost to Luke's Lorelai runs across one note containing the mysterious clue: "Babette. Cats." Rory asks whether that means the cats have died. Lorelai says no. "Adopted another one?" Rory asks. No, Lorelai says. Babette "recorded their meows, did some editing, and cut a record of them singing 'Ring of Fire.'" Rory says that's going straight to the top of her charts. Another note reveals that Lorelai started reading the Seamus Haney translation of Beowulf Rory recommended, a literary pursuit that lasted all of three minutes. "Well," Rory says, "you gave it the old college try." The stack of notes goes on to reveal that Kirk's got a new hobby. "He's doing Tai Chi?" Rory says, pointing over to where Kirk is gyrating in a wind suit in the corner of the park, looking less like he's performing an ancient martial art than like a rhythmless old hippie at a jam band show. Lorelai's note reading now hits a snag. "Bendleschnitz?" she says, not remembering what she might have meant when she wrote it, "And...brazzlefratz..." She adds those notes to the stack she can't make out, and she and Rory arrive at Luke's, where Lorelai makes Rory wait out on the steps for a big entrance. "It's a moment thing," she says. "Just wait here."
Inside the door, Lorelai finds Luke. "You ready?" she asks. "Brrrrrrrr!" Luke asks what the hell that noise was, and she insists that it was a drumroll. "Sounded more like a helicopter," he says, but she makes him go with it. "Ladies and gentlemen, Rory Gilmore!" Lorelai shouts. Rory comes in, all smiles, and gives Luke the most awkward hug ever, like he's some very distant cousin or he's got the leprosy, or something. ["That girl just can't hug. She needs to take a class or something." -- Wing Chun] Luke musters up all the excitement he can considering his Grinch-like capacity for love, even offering up a "yay!" which clearly pains him. "I don't think I've ever said 'yay' before," he winces. "Sounded weird." Rory asks Luke what's been new with him, besides the whole engagement thing, and he nervously says that nothing has been going on. "What have you heard?" he asks, suspicious. Rory: "Nothing. That's why I asked." Hee. Luke reiterates that nothing is new, and goes off to get the Gilmores some food. "Did I inadvertently step into something there?" Rory asks, and Lorelai shrugs that she has no idea.
The girls don't have time to dwell on Luke's weirdness as Lane comes over to cheer: "Mother and daughter, together again, and all is right with the world." She tells Rory that she hopes she's going to be available week, because Hep Alien has a showcase: "Not a gig, a showcase, and a label is going to be there." I love Lane, in spite of the unlikelihood of the band's landing a showcase with a label. Lorelai and Rory get excited for her as she goes on. "I'm shaking," she says. "I shouldn't shake; I'm a drummer. It'll mess up the beat!" Rory says she'll absolutely be there, since this is big. "Very big," Lane says. "Unless it's a Waiting for Guffman thing and the label guys don't show up." She pauses, the smile fading: "Did I just jinx it?" Rory says that, to be safe, they should do the anti-jinx spell they used to do. Lorelai says she wants to do it, too, but Rory explains that it's a serious thing: you don't just DO it. "If we jinx-back a second time within the hour," Lane says, "it cancels out the first jinx-back." Girls are awesome. Even when they are nearly thirty, playing twenty, and pretending to be nine. Rory goes down a list of the Hep Alien songs she especially liked on the tape Lane gave her. All the titles are girls' names. Apparently, pfTL thinks this will give the band their best shot at radio play. "It worked for The Police, The Knack, Franz Ferdinand," Lane says, going on to ask if Rory wants to be the band's D.A. Pennebaker: "We're borrowing a video camera," she says, "and we need someone sober to do the photography." Rory says she can set her crack habit aside for a night and take that on. Lane is excited and asks if Logan will be attending. Rory says it will just be her. Lorelai notices and asks what's up with that. Rory explains that they are on, like, a hiatus: they had a big fight and just needed a break from each other. Lorelai does not pry further, especially since a table full of food arrives just at that moment. "I hope it's not cold," Lorelai says, all hopeful. "Oops! I think I jinxed it. Does that get me a hand-thingy?" Rory rolls her eyes and complies, doing the jinx-back. Hell, if your mom never had a childhood because she was raising your smart ass, wouldn't you?
At the Dragonfly, Sookie is busy whipping her kitchen staff into shape as they scramble around prepping for lunch. "Okay," she says, "if you could travel back in time and make me NOT make the veal and ham pâté, I'd appreciate it. Talk me out of these things in the future, guys." Oh, I'd have talked you out of such a thing in the past, present, pluperfect, and future. Veal and ham pâté? Will I ever eat again?! Lorelai comes in and asks that Sookie step away from the stove. "Honey," Sookie says, "do you see a joystick? This is not a game." Lorelai repeats the order and finally Sookie complies, turning around sighing and asking what the big deal is. Lorelai shouts out "OKAY" and Rory comes in, causing Sookie to flail excitedly and knock out a passing member of her staff. Mushrooms go flying, but nobody cares, and I guess the guy on the floor could die for all anybody notices. Sookie squeals, "[Rory's] here!" It's all too much for Sookie, whose worlds collide as she realizes that Rory's being back means there are no impediments to Lorelai and Luke's setting a wedding date. She hyperventilates, saying she was just making her list for Thanksgiving dinner, wishing Rory would be there, and now she is. "Oh my God," she gasps, "what if what I'm wishing for is actually coming true?" Lorelai's eyebrows shoot up: "Quick! Wish for a Sephora to be built within walking distance!" Now I must tell you the story of the time we were in Los Angeles in a restaurant and my husband Chris invoked the name of that annoying dude from the second season of Project Greenlight and the guy WALKED IN THE DOOR fifteen seconds later. We tried so hard to make a million dollars fall from the sky after that, but it didn't work.
As Sookie's attack continues, Michel walks through the door, and before he can stop himself, he cheerfully cries out, very excited to see Rory. "Oh, hi..." Rory says, shocked. "Wow, Michel." He immediately goes back to his sour self, as Lorelai comments that his reaction was weird. "She just surprised me, that's all," Michel says, still smiling in spite of himself. "It's kind of okay that you are here." Rory says it's kind of okay for her, too, and Sookie screams that she's going to make a special lunch of kabobs and pot-stickers for Rory. Lorelai and Rory escape and, I suppose, go somewhere and purge the huge breakfast they just ate at Luke's.
At Lane's, the band is coming up with a set list for their showcase. Thus far, they are opening with "Melissa" and closing with "Dear Maureen." (As many pop-culture references as this show flogs, no mention of "Melissa" also being the name of one of the most famous songs by my beloved Allman Brothers? Disappointed!) Gil says he wishes they had one more ballad, and pfTL reveals that he has been working on one, but that it's not ready. It's called "Stella," is quite catchy. "It's got a nice Fountains of Wayne meets The Shins crossed with Odyssey-era Zombies and a mix of early-Who and mid- to late-era Replacements vibe to it," says Gil, and Chris and I throw our arms up at the awesomeness that is Sebastian Bach. "Well," pfTL deadpans. "That's what I was going for." He goes on to say that he's "still hunting for that middle 8, you know?" and I smack my head laughing at mention of the classic guitar-dude dilemma. I don't think I can express how many times I have heard that sentiment from this bunch of fools, myself included. Lane is looking kind of sad that pfTL has written another song using a girl's name. "If he was [sic] singing about dudes," Gil says, "I'd be out the door before you could say 'see ya.'" pfTL gets kind of touchy: "You know how I write. I think about people that I've known and I draw inspiration from that." Lane's all shruggy: "Have you ever thought to write one about, I don't know, a girl named Lane?" Aw. She argues that he's already got a song called "Lorraine," which is pretty much the same thing. He said he would, but that nothing rhymes with "Lane." She disagrees, saying that a million things rhyme with "Lane." pfTL goes for the condescending vibe: "Yeah, 'rain,' 'pain.' All cliché stuff. You're not a writer." Duuuuuuuuude. Why Lane does not kick pfTL in the balls and wrap those guitar strings around his face right here, I don't know. Shot down, Lane kind of sighs, while Brian tries to interrupt to say he thinks someone could come up with non-cliché stuff to rhyme with "Lane." pfTL digs in a bit more, saying maybe he could write one about Lane's Korean name. "Hyung-gyong?" Lane says (and I am sorry if I spelled that incorrectly). Strike two, pfTL drones, saying it's not Lane's fault that her name sucks so bad. She's still sad as the guys continue to work out the list.
At lunch at the Dragonfly, Lorelai and Rory are once again surrounded by food as they continue through Lorelai's stack of random thoughts. She comes to a non-fun one: Christopher's call. Rory is surprised, noting that it's been at least a year since they last heard from him. Lorelai runs down the call, explaining that Christopher said in his message that he has big news that will be a 100% positive thing for Lorelai and Rory. "Meaning," Rory says, "that there's a ninety-nine and 99/100ths percent chance that it won't be." Lorelai asks what she should do and wonders aloud if Christopher is in cahoots with The Grandparents. "He's vulnerable," she says. "They prey on the vulnerable." Hee. Rory says that since it's allegedly "something positive," it couldn't involve Emily and Richard. She and Lorelai try to figure out what it could be about, and can't. Rory says she guesses there's only one way to find out. "Guess so," Lorelai says, very reluctantly. "Ugh. Brasslefrat." Rory nods: "Bendleschmitz."
Aside: Have y'all seen this Destiny's Child WalMart commercial? Are you also wondering when R&B decided to do away with music altogether and just release a series of random beats and destination-free vocal lines? As much as I love her, I blame Beyoncé (whose name my mother seriously pronounces "BEE-yawnts.")
Liz is at Luke's greasing a cookie sheet and harassing a customer with her story of how she's making rolls for her Thanksgiving dinner for twelve, and how even though she's never made...well, any kind of dinner, she thinks that, with Martha Stewart's guidance, she can pull it off. Luke is, naturally, frustrated that Liz is even there -- even more so that she is hosting a dinner for all her renaissance fair people. Apparently, even Freddie, the guy with no thumbs will be attending. "Don't tell me," Luke says. "He's hitchhiking in." Haaa! Liz laughs, saying she's going to call Luke "Yakov" from now on. Luke tells her not to be too intrusive as she bangs a tube of rolls on the counter and is, of course, generally intrusive. No one on this show ever learns a lesson. Why wouldn't Liz be intrusive? What in her history with Luke has ever indicated she would ever be anything but completely destructive and annoying? I'm doubly irritated with Luke's irritation, as if he could possibly expect anything different.
The band, minus Gil, is at Sophie's store, shopping around. Lane asks Sophie, played by the unbelievable Carole King, for advice on the showcase. "Don't wear a clown suit," she says. Meanwhile, pfTL looks longingly at a very beautiful guitar on a stand in the store. Sophie tells him not to touch it. "Maybe I'll splurge and get it," he says. "Do you take MasterCard?" Sophie: "Why, you got one?" HA! Fancy acoustic guitar: Maybe a thousand dollars. Getting your head snapped off by the legendary Carole King: Priceless. pfTL sees some wireless mics, and says that the whole band should get some. "Isn't that too Gwen Stefani?" Brian asks. pfTL: "Not if we wear 'em. Then it will be totally Peter Gabriel." Cute. Brian turns and plays a few bars on one of the electric pianos. pfTL says it sounds nice, and asks what it is. Brian shyly says it's just something he's been working on since their conversation about songs and names the other day. "It's called 'Lane,'" he says. Lane's touched, and smiles a mile wide, thanking him. pfTL...not so much. His eyes go cold. "Inspired, huh?" he says, looking like he's about to whip ass. Sophie compliments it, as well, in her way: "Doesn't make me want to be violently ill." Lane says that's high praise, and turns to pfTL saying maybe they can learn it week. He cuts her off, saying they came to get picks, and stomps away.
Christopher is waiting for Lorelai in some café. Whatever. I straight-up loathe Christopher. Lorelai seems happy enough to see him. She hugs him and he compliments her on always looking good. He asks, "How's our Rory?," which I figure shows some nerve, considering he seems to have little to no interest in Rory, and Lorelai casually mentions that Rory left Yale for a semester. "And...the apocalypse is this week? week?" Christopher jokes. Lorelai relieves his mind, saying that Rory's going back and will be fine. Finally unable to stand the suspense any longer, Lorelai asks Christopher why he wanted to see her. "Well," he jokes, "wouldn't you like to know?" She rolls her eyes, clearly nervous. "This is the funnest thing I've gotten to do in years," Christopher says. "Let me savor it." Lorelai tells him to come on, and finally he says that his grandfather died. "And," Lorelai asks, "that's fun how?" Christopher explains that the old guy was megarich and left it all to Christopher. "Good, Chris," Lorelai says, pleased for him. "That's good." He goes on a totally manic binge, saying he's set Gigi up with funds for everything she'll ever need, ever, and now he wants to shower Lorelai and Rory with cash and possessions. Lorelai looks less than excited, even when Christopher offers to give her enough money to crush people. He is practically begging her to let him give her something -- anything, including a castle in Ireland -- but she says she is fine. "You're too unmaterialistic," he says to the woman who wears $500 dresses in every episode. She tells him that if it will make him feel better, she'll talk to Rory and see if there's anything she'd like her father to do for her. Christopher reminds her not to leave out the stuff about a castle: "Doesn't have to be in Ireland. It can be in Germany, Czech Republic, Scotland...Narnia." Lorelai says she'll be sure to mention it. I wish Christopher would buy himself a castle in Narnia, because that's about the level of reality he seems to have been living on for the last twenty-one years. What a weird plot device, anyway. Luke has a Secret Kid and Rory's loserish dad has Sudden Millions? What's ? Sookie and Michel find out they were separated at birth and are actually the fraternal twin children of Anastasia Romanov? I don't like it. ["Especially since the whole inheritance business is just a pretext for Christopher to fuck it up somehow at some point in the near-ish future." -- Wing Chun]
At the club, Hep Alien, minus Zach, is setting up for the showcase. Brian waxes fond, remembering seeing Granddaddy there in one of their first concerts. Gil has also been there before: "I remember once throwing up in that corner, and some dude slipped in it and had to go the hospital, and I stole the chick he was with and I shacked up with her for, like, a week and a half." Lane: "Another fun memory." Awesome. Zach finally arrives, late, and Brian admonishes him for almost missing sound check. "Well," he snaps, "'almost' means I didn't miss it. Just set up your amp, okay?" Brian says "whatever" and is about to set up when Zach stops him, saying he doesn't like the old set-up -- it's stale, plus they'll need room for the new guy. Uh, they are a little surprised to hear of a new guy. Frankly, I'm a little surprised, as well, especially when the new guy is Joel Gion, formerly of the Brian Jonestown Massacre, made cultishly famous in the already-referenced-on-this-show- this-season documentary DiG!. Rent it today to watch the inspiration of the hilarity that is about to go down. Just know that Joel Gion is maybe the funniest and weirdest dude ever to hit the stage, as is borne out here. The rest of the band is also surprised to find out that Zach has, indeed, purchased the wireless mic he was messing with earlier, and evenmore surprised to hear him bitch out the club sound man, saying he didn't want the mic to be broken or stolen. He got the thing for crowd surfing, he said. "They love crowd surfing, dig," Joel says. Lane has to take a minute and pulls Zach to the side. "What is wrong with you?" she asks, wondering why he added a band member without telling them. He says it's his band, right, leading Lane to mention that no, it's supposed to be a democracy. "Is this coming from Brian?" pfTL asks, stupidly, and Lane says no, it's coming from her; she's just concerned. "Well, don't be," pfTL totally condescends, "and don't be a huge mega-bummer before our big show, that's not cool." Ugh. How can Pamie's friend Todd Lowe flip on us like this? Ass. I'll say it now just so I can repeat it, later, Keiko Agena is brill in this entire episode.
At home, Rory talks to Paris on the phone about coming back to Yale. Paris has instituted a policy of silence at the Yale Daily News, and we see the paper staff walking around, not speaking and typing quietly on their deadened keyboards. Rory gives her a drum roll and tells her she's coming back to Yale. "You really need a drum roll for that?" Paris snarks. "Of course you're coming back. What are you going to do without a college degree, drive a forklift?" Why can't Paris and Lane have a spinoff? How much would you like to see Paris face off against Mrs. Kim? Rory just asks Paris to keep her eyes open on a place for her to live, and they hang up. Waste of Paris!
Lorelai arrives home and says that everything went well with Christopher, "except for the Frings -- combo basket of fries and onion rings. Good in theory, but..." She tells Rory all about the dead grandfather, which Rory has little to no reaction to, never having known the man, I guess, which bugs the hell out of me. Does Christopher's family even know Rory at all? ["With the exception of this one, ill-fated meeting, all signs point to no." -- Wing Chun] Rory says that "Dad should keep the money for himself," which is big of her, and Lorelai asks if she's sure, listing off all the things that Christopher offered, up to and including a cannon from the Civil War -- "Functioning, by the way, so it's not just for show" -- and paying for Yale through a PhD. Ding! Rory says that, actually, she might consider letting her father pay for Yale, if that's not too much. "I think it was the cheapest of all the things he mentioned," Lorelai says. Rory says that the residual benefit would be getting out from under her grandparents' thumb. She doesn't want to owe them anything: "There're too many strings with these people." Lorelai's eyes widen: "Okay...I'm getting very uncomfortable with the Freaky Friday moment we've got going on here. Because it means I have to go to Yale, and you have to run the inn, and...oh, God, I don't even want to think about what it would mean for Luke." She goes on to say she hopes Rory realizes this would mean that she's basically cutting off her grandparents. "You don't know what it was like to be living there," Rory says, which is hilarious, considering she is talking to the original object of Emily and Richard's punishment: "Hello! Oppressed One, class of '85. You were only there for three months. You're not in my league. We can't swap war stories yet." Rory says that her grandparents brought in the minister to tell her not to have sex. "Five times they did that to me," Lorelai says. "The last time, they triple-teamed me with a priest, a rabbi, and a Mormon missionary. I made so many jokes that night I should have had a microphone and a brick wall behind me, AND I never got a $40,000 sex house!" Putting all that aside, Rory says she knows that having her dad pay for Yale might lead to a slippery slope, but that she's pretty sure she wants to do it. Lorelai says he'll be happy and they make plans to call him. ["And set up the inevitable Christopher fuck-up that will send the Gilmore girls crawling back to Emily and Richard, giant mooching sacks in hand." -- Wing Chun]
It's the night of the Hep Alien showcase. Rory is in place with the video camera when Lane runs up, her hair all punked out. Rory says that Lane looks almost intimidatingly cool, but really, she looks super-cute, as always. Rory asks if everything's ready, and Lane says yes, even though their sound check was a little weird. "Well, you know what they say," Rory says. "Weird sound check, good gig." Lane nods before asking "who says that?" Rory: "Well, just me. But I'm hoping it will catch on." Lane points out the two label guys in attendance and Rory promises not to hurt them when she starts violently slamdancing. Aw, sometimes Alexis Bledel makes me love Rory. She can be an occasional guest on the Paris/Lane show. She wishes Lane luck as the latter rushes to get backstage...
...where things are not good. Zach is freaking out, complaining about the monitors not working with his new mic. He snaps at everyone, and when Lane comes through to announce that they have one minute, he rages that they'll go on when he says so: "No one tells Axl Rose when he goes on. He goes on when he feels like it." Actually, Zach, nobody tells him much of anything, because he is bloated and weird and doesn't go on anywhere at all anymore. Everyone looks uncomfortable, especially when Zach decides to throw out the set list. "I'm gonna be calling out tunes like Jack White," he says. I hate a band that does that. Brian complains that they've rehearsed in that order and have transitions. "REO Speedwagon had transitions, too," Zach yells. "You wanna be REO Speedwagon? We should have brought a smoke machine!" Aw, DAMN, yo. DO NOT be busting on REO Speedwagon. When you can come out and play "Roll With the Changes," then we'll talk. Until then, stick it. The band is at a loss as to why Zach seems to have taken an overdose of assidopholus, and when the announcer raises the curtain, they scramble to try to figure out what to play. No one has a clue, and Zach is still complaining to the sound guy about the monitors. Things are getting desperate and the crowd is not happy. Zach smarms that the crowd needs to settle down, since it will be worth the wait to them to hear the band that's about to get the biggest record deal in history. Brian takes half a step toward his amp and Zach kicks him, telling him to get back. Lane screams and Gil yells at Zach not to kick Brian. "Nobody's gonna tell me what to do on my stage with my band," Zach shouts to the angry crowd, as Gil tells the goofy Joel that he needs to find another place to stand. Brian hears and says that if he moves over, he'll block Lane, which sets Zach off yet again. "Oh yeah," he says, getting in Brian's face. "You don't want Lane blocked, do you?" Brian says they should go back to the set list, and the whole thing falls apart completely. "No, we're not gonna do that," Zach says. "I'm here to destroy the system, so stay outta my way!" He takes off his guitar and freaks, throwing punches until Gil leaps across the stage and tackles him. (According to this week's Entertainment Weekly, by the way, Sebastian Bach messed up his knee during this scene. All in the name of rock.) All hell breaks loose, and Lane tries to stop them, but can't. The best part is Joel Gion, still on stage in front of the curtain, just kind of goofily cruising and chilling while the melee goes on.
We cut to the alley outside the bar, where Zach is sitting alone in the doorway, holding his broken Gwen Stefani mic. Lane comes out and, instead of killing him, asks again what is wrong with him. He dares to say "nothing," and she snaps. The label guys were there, she says, and it was a disaster. They've blown their big shot. When he shrugs, she gets more frustrated and starts crying. "You let me down tonight," she says. "You let down Gil. You let down Brian." Zach says he doesn't want to hear about Brian, and that the situation "is what it is." Lane is devastated. "Maybe this is why people in bands shouldn't date," Zach adds, confirming my suspicions of last week. Keiko Agena = awesome right here, crying and saying, "Yeah... I guess so," before going back in and leaving Zach alone.
Back at the Random Café, Rory and Lorleai are meeting up with Christopher. He says it seems that Rory has grown. "Only in my estimation," Lorelai quips. Chris says he's thrilled to be with them on Thanksgiving, since that's never happened before, and they sit down to talk money. Rory says she'd like to take him up on his offer to pay for Yale. He is very excited to do it, he says, and launches into a speech about how he'll be glad to write a check or use a money order, going on and on, Lorelai-style, about what is money order, anyway, yada yada. Rory sincerely thanks Christopher, telling him it means a lot to her that he would do this. "Well," he says, "it means more to me." It would have meant more to everybody if you'd not waited for an inheritance to start being a parent, dude. Rory goes outside to answer a call from the paper, leaving Christopher to try to get the lowdown from Lorelai on what's been going on in Rory's life lately: "Can I ask you something? It involves the E-word and the R-word." Lorelai: "Oh, please, let's not discuss evolution and recycling! They're just too hot-button." Hee. I thought he meant "engagement ring," but actually he meant Emily and Richard. Lorelai tells him that everything's fine now between them all, which is a lie I'm sure will come back to haunt her, and that Rory's reasons for taking time off constitutes a long story. She clearly feels like Christopher's prying and tries to push him back a little. He gets it and says he understands; all he really wants to do is provide for Rory. Christopher does notice that other E & R thing -- the engagement ring -- and congratulates Lorelai, saying he wants her to be happy. She thanks him, and he jokes that he's getting her a Rolls as a wedding present.
At Luke's, Liz has made a total disaster of both the diner and of Luke's kitchen upstairs, trying to make her Thanksgiving dinner. Apparently, the cranberry sauce is not even red, which Luke points out should be the case. Liz flips through her Martha Stewart books, fruitlessly (ha!) looking for a solution, but I guess she's just too dumb to figure it out. That's what they want us to think, obviously, which makes me wonder how they would expect anyone to like this character at all. This is especially evident when Luke drops the bomb of his Secret Kid on her, and she reacts as if he had just offered her a cup of coffee. Liz is cognizant enough to do the math on April's age, twelve, and put it together that she must be the daughter of Anna Nardini. Luke is amazed, and Liz replies, "You're not Warren Beatty. I mean, you could have been -- girls like you -- but you're a serial monogamist. That's why you're you." She asks what Lorelai's said about all this, and when she figures out that he hasn't told Lorelai, Liz suddenly becomes a genius, encouraging Luke to tell her and saying he and Lorelai can work through it. Luke says that Anna hasn't even contacted him, and that April wants nothing from him, which makes him feel confused. They're not reaching out to him, so maybe he shouldn't worry about it. Liz doesn't say anything, but it's obvious that she doesn't agree that the whole thing is not a big deal. Luke, however, feels better about their little chat, and leaves with pseudo-confidence that all is well.
At the Dragonfly, Thanksgiving is in full-on, crazy swing. Sookie has made a ton of beautiful food, which is plenty, Lorelai tells her, "even for the extra guests." Ah, yes. Liz's renaissance people are there to eat, probably not even realizing what a ptomaine-shaped food bullet they have dodged. One of the guys is doing a knife trick at the table while Luke looks on in what looks suspiciously like a hairpiece and don't think I didn't notice. He's all sweater-y and wearing slacks and I think I've mentioned how much I hate that, so we'll say no more about it. Lorelai asks Luke to come into the kitchen to help carve and, while she has him alone, tells him that she met up with Christopher and offers all the details of the Yale-payment plan. She's very nervous about it, acting like she's going to catch hell, but Luke just shrugs: "I think that's great. He's doing what a dad is supposed to do; he's taking care of his kid." Oooo, Luke's feeling like a deadbeat, it seems. He and Lorelai share an awkward kiss ["do they ever share any other kind?" -- Wing Chun], and he heads out to carve the turkey.
Rory takes a call on her cell. It's Honor Huntzberger, calling from outside her parents' house where she has been banished while she smokes a cigarette. I guess they didn't give her time to get fully dressed, because girl is wearing my grandmother's slip. Honor just wanted to call, she says, because she was upset to hear that Rory and Logan had broken up. Whoa. Rory is surprised to hear this, as well. "At first," Honor rattles on, "young Seacrest hemmed and hawed, which wasn't sufficient, but then he finally told me." Rory is upset, but hides it, saying she'd be happy to go shopping with Honor any time. How much do I love the Seacrest reference? A hundred thousand ways.
In the kitchen, Sookie's control issues finally push her over the edge and she has to banish Luke from carving. He nervously goes into the pantry and, after thinking about it, calls Information to get a listing for Anna Nardini. He connects to their line and gets the machine. Instead of leaving a message, he slams down the phone and goes back out to the table to flank Lorelai, along with Rory on the other side, who's got a lot on her mind, as well. Poor ol' Lorelai, thinking everything is all right with the people she loves. Sadly, even though they've got a lot to be thankful for, it ain't.