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The Grandparents have somehow gotten stuck in Helsinki (as you do), and Rory is called into service to host an excruciating DAR mixer. She handles it like a lifetime member of the Biatch Club. Logan shows up and acts like a spoiled, assy ass, but not as bad as his assy friends, who show up and act like total...guess? Asses. Lorelai starts missing Rory and tries to call her cell phone, at which point she is disappointed: Rory's number is no longer working. Jackson's relatives are in town for the baptism of the kids, and Sookie is freaking. Lane flips when pfTL spends the tour money on home recording equipment. She and Rory have kind of grown apart, and it's sad, and I'm pissed that Lane doesn't smack her down for the Yale/Logan debacle. Sookie asks Lorelai and Rory to be godparents to Martha and Davey, respectively. Naturally, hijinks of the highest order ensue when the Gilmores are reunited. Logan gets all in a snit because his dad has expectations of him, and he whisks Rory off for a spontaneous trip to New York. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
We open at Lorelai's. Construction is STILL going ON. I can't take any more of it! I think we're supposed to believe that the entire summer has passed by now, so I shudder to think of the amount of money that has and will be paid to the ever-present, time-and-a-half construction team. I feel like maybe I'm due a bit of that money since I have now started three recaps with "construction continues at Lorelai's house." The whole construction/re-construction/tools theme is cramping my style. Haaaa...I said "tools." Lorelai is sorting through old VHS tapes, trying to clean out closets and whatnot, while Luke is upstairs raging about the shoddy workmanship that has been done in the bedroom and bathroom. Lorelai reminds him that it's a work in progress, and that his being up there is like busting into an operating room in the middle of a heart transplant, and complaining to the surgeon that the heart is outside the body: "You're like, 'Hey, his heart should be in his chest,' and the surgeon's like, 'Dude, I'm not done yet, get out of the operating room.'" When Luke says he's going to check the bathroom fixtures, she starts yelling "fire" to get him to come downstairs. He comes down, telling her she can't be yelling "fire," and she reminds him that that only applies to movie theaters -- crowded ones: "If you're watching a Wednesday matinee of Deuce Bigalow, you can yell fire all you want. Hell, you can start a fire, and no one will complain." Luke ignores this, picking up a full box of video tapes and says it seems her discard project is going along nicely. She says those aren't the ones she's tossing, and shows him another box, containing only two tapes, of her cast-offs. Luke rolls his eyes, saying it was her idea to use the remodel to purge herself of useless stuff. "Yeah," she nods, "'useless.' I'm keeping what I need." Luke: "You need an episode of Magnum P.I. from 1986?" Y'all. Confession time. Magnum is my favorite show of all time. This past summer, I Tivoed two episodes a day. Best summer of my life, too. Coincidence? I think not. My husband has made me cut back to just one daily dose of the Selleck, so for a moment my heart sang at the prospect of some Gilmore Girls/Magnum crossover. I don't know...maybe Tom Selleck could show up in a flashback as Luke's dad. Oh my GOD. I am brilliant. Do it, Palladinos, and I will trill your praises unto the four corners.
Anyway, that was my little second of television fantasy, ruined in the moment when Lorelai reveals that the tape was mislabeled, and that it's actually an episode of Knots Landing.. Luke then picks up her first-season recordings of 21 Jump Street which...is Pamie writing this actual show, now? Anyway, when he suggests that she just get the DVDs to save space, she says she can't do it. "The DVDs don't have the commercials on them," she says. "Spuds Mackenzie? Clara Peller? 'Nothing comes between me and my Calvins'? I mean, they don't make 'em like that anymore." Luke tells her she's going to end up being one of those crazy old people who hoards empty film canisters and laundry measuring scoops. Lorelai: "Uh, 'gonna be'?" Yeah, exactly. She picks up a tape, happily saying it's one she's been looking for. It's Riding the Bus with My Sister. Luke apparently hasn't heard of this masterpiece, so she explains to him that the film features Rosie O'Donnell as "a retarded woman who's obsessed with riding the bus," and all the other great, great features of the film, such as Rosie calling herself "the sheriff" and talking about her sex life. Luke turns green and says Lorelai should watch it tonight after he leaves and then throw it away. She is incredulous. This movie would clearly be a "Friday-night special"; she'd have to get take-out, Red Vines, Mallomars, etc. to make it right. How are this woman and her child so thin? Anyway, she goes on, it's not something she'd watch alone...She stops short, and we know she's thinking of Rory. If Luke gets it, he doesn't let on, and tells her she at least should try to pare down the rest of the tapes. She says she promises to do so if he promises not to go upstairs again. He says he just wants to check one thing. To stop him, Lorelai whips out America's Castles: "Florida edition. Seen it five times. Keeping it!" He says it's just one thing that he wants to check, but when she fires back with a seven-hour documentary about paper, he gives.
Rory is getting ready for her candy-striping assignment...in her insanely decorated room...wait. What the hell is on the walls? Is that wallpaper that looks like wood beams? IS IT? Is it paint? I must know. And then I must have my mind erased so that I forget it exists. The rest of the room, as much as we can see, I am totally down with, but what is happening on the walls?! No. We mustn't speak of it again. The maid du jour (and ha ha, she's French so that's twice as funny) comes in with an empty clothes rack and mutilates a French accent explaining that Meesees Geelmoorh has instructed her to clean out Rory's closet, removing the clothing that is no longer appropriate for the season. Rory says she doesn't really dress seasonally; rather she "goes with the flow." The maid says that that is what The Grandmother would like to "correct." Rory is mulling this over when her phone rings. It's Emily, calling from Helsinki. She says the city is cold and contains a population of walking dead; she goes on to widely insult Finland and all its people and culture, in general. Rory is trying to deter the maid from taking all her light layers while Emily rolls on. She says she'll be delayed an extra day and thus not back in time to host the DAR mixer that is to take place at the house. She wants Rory to do it. After all, there's nothing Constance Bedderton would like better than to oust Emily from the DAR "and then jump in the air like a cheerleader and land, doing the splits!" Rory cringes and, distracted by La Maid trying to remove white pants from her closet, says she'll be glad to host the mixer. (Note: No, girl, don't wear white after Labor Day. I know such rules are old-fashioned. I get that. But winter white exists for this very reason, so just...please.) Emily is grateful (as much as she can be) and says she'll check in later to brief Rory on some of the canapés. "Good," Rory says. "I'm rusty on canapés." She turns in time to see that the maid has made off (again, ha!) with most of her wardrobe.
At the Dragonfly, Sookie and Jackson are throwing down. Apparently, Jackson has agreed to have their children baptized and is assuring Sookie that, since they don't believe in the religious aspect of it, a baptism is kind of like taking a bath. For one thing, the "religious aspect" of a baptism is the ONLY "aspect" of a baptism. Sookie says that, in a bath, you get candles and water-warped Entertainment Weekly magazines, so that being baptized is nothing like taking a bath, which is quite true, but not the point. Lorelai is there to witness all of this, just wanting to get some coffee. Jackson asks her to look at the baptism as a bargaining chip: "If we give my mother this, it'll soften the blow when she finds out we're not having more children, because of the vasectomy." Man, I hate this storyline a lot, already. I see that it's just an excuse to get Jackson's family into the picture, but...well, I hate it and will count the ways as we continue. It comes out that Sookie's biggest problem is that the in-laws will want to stay at her and Jackson's house if they have the baptism. Dude, I feel you. That is not an ideal situation. She doesn't want his mom blasting her Flatt & Scruggs CD and his cousins picking their teeth with her paring knives. Jackson gets offended and reminds her of the time they sat through her cousin Odell's nine-hour stuttering production of Nicholas Nickleby. Sookie says that's a lot different than having to spend three whole days with Jackson's family in their house, and tries to add up all the hours they'll have to spend with them until she nearly breaks down. "Whoa, Sookie," Lorelai interrupts. "Don't do math. You know that hurts your head." Lorelai then has the brilliant idea of having the family stay at the inn for the weekend. Sookie asks if that would really be okay, and Lorelai has to remind Sookie that she's part owner of the Dragonfly. Jackson says that would really help. Lorelai says she'll take care of the arrangements, and that Sookie can just deal with the post-baptism party. Sookie freaks and says she didn't even know anything about such a party, but...she has some late-summer salad recipes she could try out. Lorelai is glad and leaves as the couple starts a new fight about Jackson's zucchini. Hee. Jackson's zucchini. Sookie: "I christen these vegetable sucky!"
Rory is doing yeoman's work at the DAR reception. She is wearing a skirt I find questionable, but I can't complain too much. I just am against the box pleats on even the thinnest, is all. If you have any hips whatsoever, they give an effect that is both boxy and bloated. Rory is alarmed to find that the salmon puffs are almost depleted, and worries that she should have "staggered their release." She even has a little party notebook in her pocket, which I find kind of charming, except that the rest of this scene is so painfully annoying that I want to selectively wipe it off my Tivo. Passing another waiter, Rory is upset to see that his tray contains garnish. "My grandmother hates garnish," she says, grabbing the offending sprig and stuffing it in her pocket. She goes on to mingle with the guests, making excruciating jokes and small talk, and wanders over to find a group of folks, including Nora, the English woman from a couple of weeks ago, talking in front of a painting of George Washington. She says that if Gilbert Stuart were alive today, "[she] would absolutely commission him to paint a portrait of [her] Henry." Some random art guy says that Martha Washington had the same idea when she commissioned Stuart to paint portraits of her and her husband to hang at Mt. Vernon. A very beautiful DAR member leans in to inform Professor Plum, or whoever he is, that Henry is not Nora's husband, but her Springer spaniel. I'd like to make fun of this, but the portrait of my late dog (no, really) hanging directly above me at this moment will not allow me to do so. Don't judge me, internet. Everybody is finding Rory to be "just darling," but she is starting to sweat. Some other ladies are admiring a plant on the veranda, and Rory can't name it but promises to ask Emily. She takes her notebook out of her pocket to make a note to remind herself, and garnish flies everywhere. Oops.
Rory looks over just in time to see Logan literally slinking in, very casually dressed. For whatever reason, she's glad to see him, and even though he looks like he just rolled out of bed in time for Philosophy class, she drags him over to introduce him to the plant ladies. They are delighted to meet the young Huntzberger, but he is very rudely not delighted to meet them, barely mustering up a "hey." Rory tries to cover by reminding him that one of these ladies is the one who said Rory looks like Clara Barton, "which [Rory's] still not sure is a compliment." Aw. The lady -- who talks like that chicken that was in love with Foghorn Leghorn -- assures her that it's a compliment of the highest order. This is all going over like a lead balloon with Logan, who pretty much stands there like a surly teenager and makes Rory do all the small-talking. She asks the ladies to excuse them, and they go to the kitchen, where Logan promptly pours himself a scotch and asks, "So, how long do you think this thing's going to last?" Asshole. Oh, I hate Logan, more in this episode than in any ever before, ever. What is wrong with you, Rory? DAMN. Logan says he's just not in the mood to deal with "these type of people," which is funny, since he is their crown prince. Instead of taking him to task for 1) rolling into her grandmother's house dressed like a schmo; 2) drinking scotch that wasn't put out for guests; and 3) drinking scotch at all, because, please, she suggests that he go to the pool house to wait for her. He leaves, and she discovers that they've run out of coffee. She wigs and whinily yells for someone to make more coffee. This annoys me, because these caterers are there to do exactly that, so the whining is unnecessary. Just go out there and ask them to make some, Rory.
Lorelai is at her house, feeding my beloved Paul Anka. She goes to watch TV, finds the tape of Riding the Bus with My Sister, gets a little moonie thinking about Rory, sighs, and calls her number. It doesn't work. Confused, Lorelai tries again, but no dice.
Rory arrives at the pool house to find a party going on. Logan, Finn, and Colin are there mixing drinks, playing music, and talking on the phone. Logan has invited Finn and Colin over and hopes it's cool. Rory says of course it is. Of course. Sure. Because Logan's legs were broken and he couldn't walk ten steps into the big house to run it past her. But, whatever. Finn is trying to arrange for a date, or something, over the phone and keeps getting shot down. It ought to explain a lot when I say he is the most charming part of this scene, since I normally find him repulsive. An unknown blonde wanders into the room, smiling. Rory has to ask who she is, because no one sees fit to make introductions, and Logan says she's Colin's milkmaid. She weighs about ninety-eight pounds, so I doubt she's been hauling, processing, gathering, or even drinking any milk any time recently. Rory, ever the hostess, goes to introduce herself. Colin interrupts to say that she doesn't understand English. "Oh," Rory says, "sorry." Colin: "Yes, aren't we all?" I pause the Tivo, imagining the many ways Rory could react to the way these annoying, over-indulged, rude, ridiculous young men are treating this woman one of them has brought over here from another country. I mean, here's her chance to lay down some smack, yes? Especially when Colin says, right in front of the girl, that he's bored with her and she's lost her appeal. Uh...am I hearing this right? You, Colin, who look like an O-Town reject, are complaining about a beautiful girl fawning over you. You should thank your lucky stars she doesn't speak English; otherwise she would have poured a pail of cream over your head the moment you opened your mouth. Rory basically reacts to all of this with a pshaw and a shrug, while I, meanwhile, craft strange and complicated plots that involve Colin being gored by a bull who has stowed away in the milkmaid's luggage. Rory kind of passively suggests that this was a surprise, all of these boys being at her house unexpectedly, especially since Logan seemed to be in bad mood earlier, and he says he hopes it's okay (even though he is incapable of such a sentiment) and that this is exactly how one gets out of a bad mood. They get up to leave to go get some Chinese food, and of course all the boys walk out, leaving the blonde behind. She understands this well enough, and looks very sad and rejected. "Uh, Colin?" Rory calls out. "You forgot your milkmaid." The two of them share a look that I hope is supposed to make us think that Rory gets that the guys are idiots, but I'm not sure.
At the Dragonfly, Lorelai and Michel are finalizing the room assignments for Jackson's relatives. Michel is less than pleased to be a part of this. He calls Jackson's family "freeloading hicks," and says they "go supermarket hopping to gorge themselves on free samples and get their perfume from magazine inserts; you can recognize them from the papercuts on their wrists." Sookie comes in, freaking out because Jackson has not arrived yet. "No," Michel says, "but his family's arrival is imminent, so I'm off to nail the furniture to the floor." Lorelai tells Sookie to relax, but she can't. She says she tries to say nice things to them, but that they always misinterpret her and think she's being insulting, so to offset that problem, she tries to stay very quiet, but that doesn't work because they wonder why she's being so quiet. "So I overcompensate," she says, "and start cracking jokes like I'm Carrot Top and I start doing funny things with props...and...eehhh, I hate prop comedy." I love Melissa McCarthy in this scene (as I do in most others, except when Sookie is butting in where she doesn't belong, which is a lot). Lorelai says that we all hate prop comedy, but they are interrupted by Jackson rushing in. He's breathless from outrunning his family's minivan so that he could get there in time.
Lorelai goes back to the desk, and Jackson and Sookie start having this conversation. Jackson: "Did you tell hmm-hmm about hmm-hmm?" Sookie: "No, he's your family. You tell hmm-hmm about hmm-hmm." Lorelai says she gets the feeling she is probably one of the hmm-hmms and wants to know what it's all about. They break it down, asking if Lorelai remembers Jackson's brother Beau. Oh, yes. She remembers: "Dark hair, coarse stubble, Jefferson Davis tattoo?" Yes. Jackson gives her the whole picture. His cousin, Rune, told Beau that Lorelai is a "nympho." Sookie: "It means you reeeally dig the fellas." Lorelai says, yeah, she knows what it means, and they are just getting into it...
...when the family arrives in full. Sookie turns on the fake welcome and they rush around greeting everyone. Brother Beau, played by the slaying-me Nick Offerman, comes in and says he'll handle check-in for the whole fam. Lorelai cringes as he sidles over, but gamely tells him, "Welcome to the Dragonfly Inn." Him: "Welcome to Beau." I'll tell you right now, Beau is the reason I gave this episode an A. His presence overcame Logan and Rosie O'Donnell and Lorelai saying "retarded" and the French maid and the baptism and all of it. If he was on every week, he'd probably irritate me, but right now I love him. Lorelai makes an attempt at chattiness and compliments his sunglasses as being "very Risky Business." Beau: "Risky business, huh? Are you into risky business?" Heeee! Lorelai blanches. "No," she says, "all of a sudden I HATE it. Tom Cruise in his underwear makes me want to barf." Lorelai, we all share that sentiment, as do the doctors and nurses at the secret and selective clinic where Katie Holmes probably went to be impregnated with the sperm of Xenu, or whoever the hell. Lorelai asks if Beau would like to register, pushing a sign-in form toward him across the desk. Without taking his eyes off her, he says he would love to, and scribbles his name down with a flourish. "You just signed the blotter," she tells him, and he apologizes, smarmily saying he was distracted. She's holding it together, and tells him where his room is. "Well," he says, "aren't you accommodating? I guess I'll go and get my duffle bag out of the minivan." Whew, the redneck romance. I can smell it in the breeze. Jackson comes up, and Lorelai is squicked, telling him that's the first time she's ever heard the word "duffle" sound dirty. Jackson apologizes profusely and repeatedly for his gross family: "I am so, so sorry." Sookie runs in on her tiptoes, thoroughly grossed out, whispering, "Ooooo, Uncle Artie hugged me too long." Jackson points out that Lorelai had to check in Beau, and Sookie begins the litany of apology as well.
Jackson is passing out room keys when Beau comes back in and heads upstairs. He pauses by the desk, saying he just thought he'd give Lorelai his room number. "I have it," she says. "Remember, I checked you in about a minute ago?" He flares his moustache at her, and says he'll see her soon and then LICKS his KEY. AH HA HA HA! Man, it's awful, but somehow so funny. I think Lauren Graham is a bit on the verge of laughter as she makes the grossed-out face that follows.
At the diner, Lane is back on the job, apron, sweater and all. With Brian, pfTL sits at a table with his eyes closed. Lane asks if he's asleep, and Brian says that pfTL is trying to contact his songwriting muse. "Don't say it like that," pfTL says. "All condescending. It's not cool." Brian says he wasn't be condescending, and pfTL says he's probably just being an oversensitive songwriter. Brian asks if he wants to get more fries, which inspires him to write a song. He sings a series of notes, and tells Brian to "write it down." Brian can't do it, though, since it's nonsense words and he can't read or write music other than to notate it "up, down, further down, little higher up, down a smidge." pfTL gets frustrated. Man, this is why my purse is full of old envelopes and receipts with things like drive, thrive, beer, orange, ask about cymbal stand scrawled on the backs. The whole process of writing a song is, most of the time, genuinely stupid, much as we're seeing here. pfTL asks Lane for her cell phone so that he can call home and sing his melody to the answering machine. I have personally done that, so I cannot bust on it.
Sookie rushes into the diner, wearing completely different clothes than we just saw her in three seconds ago. Is it another day? Who knows. She has a cake topper she found at the flea market that morning and rushes to show Luke that it's the perfect cake topper for his and Lorelai's wedding cake. She even turns it around to show him that the little plastic groom has his butt. "It's your butt, Luke," she says. "It's your butt." Luke implores her to "stop screaming 'it's your butt'; people are eating." She says that when she found the topper, their whole cake came to her in a vision: white and sparkly with fondant daisies. Aw, that does sound pretty accurate. But, you know, Sookie is out of control with the buttinsky behavior. She's already been harassing Lorelai about setting a date, for which she was soundly rebuffed, and now proceeds to do the same to Luke, reminding him that Miss Manners says that you're not really engaged until you have a ring and a date. "[She also says] it's tacky to drink from a can," he says, "but...there you go." Exactly. Come on, Sookie, don't be trying to wield the power of Miss Manners for your own gain. Somewhere in one of the apocryphal books of the Bible, we are warned against such abuses. Luke reminds Sookie that no date will be set until all is settled between Lorelai and Rory, and Sookie wants to know when that will be. Good question, but Luke doesn't know the answer. She asks him what he plans to do about it, and he says nothing. Sookie says that this whole thing between Lorelai and Rory is ridiculous, and Luke agrees, but adds that he is staying out of it. Sookie rants a little more until we hear a horn honking. She's left Jackson's mother in the car: "Maybe I should have cracked a window."
Lane makes it home from work to find her apartment full of boxes. pfTL and Brian have gone out and spent $9000, the tour money she saved, on a new computer system and ProTools. They don't know how to turn it on, but they're real proud of it. I am having flashbacks, to hours upon hours spent with ProTools, which I cannot turn on, either, and am totally on Lane's side when she flies into a rage against them for spending the money.
Back at the Dragonfly, Michel is still bitching about Jackson's relatives. He suspects them of burning all the Inn's DVDs for their own private collections and replacing the booze in the mini bars with water. Lorelai has had enough of him and asks if she can interest him in a sick day. He says he wouldn't give her the satisfaction, and says something mean to Sookie as she comes in the room. "He's snarky," Lorelai says. "And sarcastic," Sookie answers. Lorelai says yeah, he's "snarkastic." Good one, folks. Snark on. Sookie leads Lorelai to the couch, wanting to ask her something important: she wants Lorelai to be Martha's godmother. Sweet. Lorelai is touched, she's never thought of herself as a godmother: "Will I need a wand?" Hee. She accepts, and is happy about it, until Sookie says that since they're going to baptize both children at once, Davey will also need a godmother, and so, by the way, she's asked Rory to do that. Sigh, the things these people don't understand about baptism and godparents...they are numerous, as we will come to find. Sookie says she knows that things are weird between Lorelai and Rory, but that there's no one else she's close to that she could ask. Lorelai wonders why she didn't ask her friend Kat. "She's been institutionalized," Sookie says. What about Teresa? She moved to Peru. Yesterday. What about tall, skinny Margo? Lorelai wonders. Apparently she has an inner ear problem. Frankly, Sookie says, she's worried that tall, skinny Margo will lose her balance and fall face-forward into the water with the baby so, she's out. Into the water? Where are they baptizing these kids? In the river? I know there ain't any dunking churches in Stars Hollow. Sookie passive-aggressively says that if Lorelai doesn't want to do it, or has a problem with Sookie's asking Rory, she can say so and everyone will understand. This is clearly untrue, of course, and Lorelai can tell, so she says repeats that it's fine and that she'll do it.
Luke is in bed (in the living room of Lorelai's house, I guess?) while Lorelai tries to choose a baptism dress for the church. "Which one goes better with a baby?" she asks him, holding up two dresses. He points to the green one, saying he likes it, and she worries that it's too sheer. Out of nowhere, she mumbles to herself, "Man, she's good. She's really good." Luke asks who's good. "Sookie," Lorelai says. "This whole baptism thing is just a ruse to get me and Rory together. She's played me. She's played me like a Stradivarius." Luke suggests that she not go if she doesn't want to, but Lorelai nixes that idea, of course. "No," she says, "she's asked me to be a godmother! You don't say no to that!" Well, you might say no if you had no idea what being a godmother actually entails, have never gone to church, have no religious affiliation or leanings whatsoever, and are pretty much dismissive of, you know, God. Just saying. Luke still wonders why Lorelai's doing any of this if it's just Sookie trying to interfere with her and Rory. Lorelai says that, on the slight chance that Sookie really wants them to be godmothers to her children, saying no would make her the jerk who wouldn't be a godmother to her best friend's baby, just because she thought she was trying to be manipulated. "And that will be the story everyone remembers," she says. "Understand?" Luke pauses and sleepily repeats that he likes the green dress.
In the brightly adorned and strangely wallpapered pool house, Rory is also just waking up with the reprehensible Logan. Her alarm goes off and he tells her to go back to sleep. She explains that she has to go to the baptism, and doesn't want to because she'll have to see her mom. He suggests she blow it off. KILL. He WOULD blow it off, which is Reason #2,000,000 that I hate him. Reason #2,000,0001? His hairless chest. Gross. She goes to her closet, pulls out two dresses and asks him, "Which goes better with a baby?" See what they did there?
Back at the Hep Alien apartment, Lane's trying to read through the manual for the recording equipment while Brian reads a magazine and pfTL watches TV. They tell her she's wasting her time -- that only R2D2 could decipher that thing. "No," she says, "you just have to spend more than six minutes trying to figure it out before giving up." Exactly. Lane, please get a new place to live. Maybe Lane can move above Luke's when he moves in with Lorelai.
Lane's still reading when Rory knocks and comes in. The two guys barely acknowledge her, making them just as bad as Logan and turning me into a general man-hater. Rory explains that she's on her way to the baptism, and Lane says that Mrs. Kim would be proud of such religious behavior. pfTL asks if it's true that Rory would get to keep the kid if something happened to his parents. "I'm just doing it as a favor for Sookie," she says, shrugging. Good, good. It matters to no one that godparenting actually has meaning and that agreeing to it means something other than agreeing to show up somewhere for an hour one day.
Lane and Rory go into Lane's room and catch up. Their conversation is weird and stilted, and it depresses me. It's clear that they are growing apart. I blame Logan. They have awkward hair chat. Lane likes Rory's bangs (which are awesome) and says that they are very Marianne Faithfull. "Thanks," Rory says. "I'm hoping Mick Jagger notices." Hee. Rory asks about the tour, and about Zach, and the awkwardness continues. Rory asks if uh, the "status" has changed between pfTL and Lane, and she says no, they're still not having sex: "Though I did tell Zach that he could tell the guys we were doing it. It's a little more rock and roll." Rory says she's a good girlfriend. N...no...wait. NO. Wha? Why? I...hate...cannot take it...sigh. Y'all, what is wrong with these girls? I know this is the way dumb girls act, but aren't Lane and Rory supposed to be like, all smart and shit? Isn't this why we like the show? Whatever, I hate it. Lane asks about Logan and Rory starts blathering about how Logan is a constant surprise, moves a mile a minute, and gets bored easily. Like a puppy? Because that's what he sounds like to me. If he actually pees on her, will she dump him? Because it's only a matter of time. Lane asks if it's serious between them, and Rory says it's "seriously exciting." Lane asks if it's been hard with him still at Yale and Rory...not. Rory says that taking time off was a great decision for her, and that it's all good. She just wishes her mom could understand. Child, your mom does not understand because it makes no sense. You didn't need to take time off. You loved school! "I doubt that she will talk to me again until I am back in the dorm room with a course catalogue on my lap," Rory adds. "Maybe we'll never talk again." Lane says it will blow over, and seriously tries to console her friend. She says that the rift is just nature's way of making up for Lorelai and Rory's going so long without fighting. Rory smiles, like the old Rory. "I've missed you," she says. Lane says she's missed her, too. They hug, and agree to never go this long again without talking. They are back to their old selves, and Rory says she wants to hear all about the tour. "Let's start with that whole three boys and no shower thing," Lane says, and Rory echoes my "Oh, Lord."
Rory sees Kirk on her way in to the church and compliments him for looking nice. "Thanks," he says. "This is the suit they buried my dad in." Hilarious. He goes on to say that he can't decide whether to sit on the Martha side or the Davey side in the church. He knows Davey better, he says. They've had one or two high-fives, a few peek-a-boo sessions, but he hasn't had too much contact with Martha. "She seems more reserved," he says. "Elusive. There's a bit of Garbo in her." Cute. Rory explains that a baptism is not like a wedding, and stares at her mother in front of the church. (Here is where I tell you that Martha and "Davey" are two family names of mine, and that if I ever have kids, I will probably use one or both of them, so be warned. It's not that I'm naming my non-children after the Gilmore Girls supporting cast -- I'm just trying to explain that, now.)
In the door of the church, Jackson runs up to Sookie and Lorelai, asking them to guess who's being baptized today. "Who?" they wonder. "Me," he says. They laugh like it's Christmas come early. Jackson says it isn't funny -- that somehow he was scheduled to be baptized early in his life but it got put off because he stuck a quarter up his nose and had to go to the hospital, so it never happened. Okay...Jackson's family is so ultra-religious that they insist he get his children baptized, but they never had him baptized? He is in a rage about it and rants while Lorelai stares wistfully off into the church yard at her daughter. We cut here, kind of in a weird spot, to commercial.
We come back as Sookie is teasing Jackson about having to maybe wear a christening gown. Hee. Rory walks up, and Sookie abandons Lorelai to face her, alone. Lauren Graham looks so beautiful and seems so sad. It brings home what used to be so great about this show -- the interaction of the Lorelai and Rory characters. It seems they are about to be forced to talk to each other, until the minister swoops in saying he'd like to speak with them about their godparent duties in his office. Once there, he explains that it's the godparent's responsibility to look after the spiritual upbringing of the child. "I certainly hope the parents will throw their two cents in," he continues, "but the godparents are vitally important figures in a child's life." Yes! Exactly! He asks the two of them their religious affiliations, and Lorelai reminds him that he's known them forever. Yes, he says, but he still doesn't know. "Oh," Lorelai says. "We're a bit...lapsed." The rev. wants to know from what they are lapsed. Well, religion, Lorelai says, and then lays down the Mother Guilt in the most fabulously subtle and genius way I have seen in a while: "I can't speak for Rory," she says, not looking at her, "but I have a strong belief in good." Rory throws in that she read The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, and Lorelai also mentions that she has a Bible, though she may have accidentally given it to Goodwill. The rev. says these are all very positive, if somewhat irrelevant, things as pertaining to the baptism and that, anyway, it says something good about them that they'd come through like this for a friend that asked a favor. Uh, yeah. Great job there, Reverend. Don't wait for someone to dismiss the sanctity of baptism, just do it for them.
Kirk is in the back of the church asking a attendee if she's a Martha or Davey person. Davey is much more accessible, he says. "He's the Dandy Warhols to Martha's Brian Jonestown Massacre." (Ha, but kind of random, although, if you're interested and want to know what he's talking about, it is really interesting.) Beau comes in looking like Colonel Sanders and joins the family and in the front pew. The Reverend begins the service. Why can't they just give the church a denomination rather than its being Random Protestant Chapel? Anyway, he introduces the children and their godparents and then Jackson, who is also being baptized. Except, oops, Jackson doesn't have a godparent. Jackson, for some reason, chooses Beau to stand for him. The Reverend presents the candidates for baptism. Davey apparently has a nice name:,"David Edward Belleville," while Martha has about twelve names. Martha and Davey are so beautiful by the way, I would like to eat them. I don't know why Martha has so many names. I missed the episode where she was born. Sigh...if only there was a web site I could go on and maybe read some kind of recap of what happened...oh, yeah.
The Rev. asks the pertinent questions, "Do you renounce Satan?" being the first. He puts it to Lorelai, but she is so busy straining not to look at Rory that she doesn't hear it. Sookie has to elbow her and ask why she isn't answering. She renounces. While the minister is asking Rory the question, Lorelai whispers to Sookie, asking how she got in touch with Rory for all of this, seeing as how her number was disconnected. Rory shoots Lorelai a dirty look while saying that she, too, renounces Satan. The Reverend passes on to Beau, who is clearly the only one of these people worthy of being a godparent: "Satan can kiss my ass." Love it. Rory and Lorelai start whisper-fighting about the cell-phone number, and how Sookie got it, because she obviously must have had it, since Sookie called her to come and be a godparent. The minister tries to interrupt, but rather than shutting up and acting right, Rory and Lorelai do the natural Gilmore thing and leave the service, taking the CHILDREN out on the porch, to continue to fight. Lorelai is losing it. Rory is trying to defend herself, saying that she lost her cell phone and that Sookie called her at The Grandparents' and got in touch with her that way, but Lorelai irrationally barges ahead, yelling that she should have just suspended her service, or something, and that it's ridiculous to even get a new number. Martha and Davey are, of course, mortified, and even though they are babies, they at least know not to act like fools up in church, and stay silent throughout this craziness. Rory says that, time, she'll just suspend her service, and Sookie steps out to bring the Gilmores back in. I'd feel sorry for Sookie having her kids' baptism ruined, but since she arranged this whole reunion, I totally don't.
At the reception after the big shebang, Sookie admits to Lorelai that she asked Rory and Lorelai both to be godparents hoping to bring them back together. "Well, blow me down," Lorelai says and goes on to compliment the delicious salads before finally being forced to go and talk to Beau, who is smarmily staring her down. He grossly licks his thumb and touches it to her and then to his sleeve. "What do you say we get out of these wet clothes," he says, to Lorelai's deep horror. "Listen, Beau," she says, "there's been a misunderstanding here." She tells him that what Rune told him about her was not true, none of it. "Really?" he asks. "So, you don't have a kid?" Well, she says, that part is true. And didn't she get knocked up when she was sixteen? Uh, yeah, she says, also true. "And he said you'd never been married," he says, "you're just single and datin' around?" She says she's engaged now, though he interrupts to ask if she wasn't engaged before. Finally, she says, "You know what? It's all true. I'm a horndog. I'm gonna get some potato salad." Beau lowers his eyes, all romantical. "Potato salad..." he says. "I get it." Awesome. Lorelai wanders away, thoroughly icked.
Rory walks up to announce that she's leaving. Lorelai tells her to drive safe. "I know this is lame at this point," Rory says, "but you can have my new number, if you want it." Lorelai, emotionless, says that's okay; she'll just call Emily and have her leave a note. Sad. I hope they end the rift soon. I didn't really realize until now how much I'd like to see it resolved. I want it to be with Rory realizing what an ass she's been, though. I'll accept nothing less than her crushing realization that Logan has led her down the path of unrighteousness and dumb-assery!
Except, I guess that won't happen for a while, because on her way home, Rory calls Logan from her car. He's at school and asks how the baptism went. She's all mopey and says it was fine, but that she's not handling things particularly well these days. How right you are, girlie. Logan says yeah, he knows what she means. He's apparently had a talk with his father recently, in which he learned that it's time to start stepping up to the family plate, and getting his act together: "It means my pre-ordained life is kicking in." Rory says she's sorry to hear that he's so upset about it and that maybe he should tell his dad how he feels. No, because that would be responsible and smart, and Logan is all crazy and exciting and spontaneous, right? So instead, he tells her to meet at the airport, he's going to take her to New York, by helicopter. "See you in twenty minutes, Ace," he says, gagging me. Unfortunately, Rory accepts.