Welcome back, everybody. The "previously" this time goes way back into Season Three, so I'm just going to assume you've all read these here recaps I bust my butt on all for you. Mad props to the pretty ladies I met in early December, who made me feel like a rock star.
We open with Lorelai and Rory walking through the snowy street(s) of Stars Hollow, on their way to Luke's. As ever, they are debating something not quite worth the effort of transcribing verbatim for you. In this case, it's concerning the word "cul de sac," and what happens when you want to pluralize it. It's "culs de sac," but Lorelai had never heard of that, so she must argue about it for the three minutes or so. Lorelai is wearing a very long purple scarf. It's so long it has won the Hollywood Scarf Competition of 2004 -- a contest I was in the running for -- but seeing as how Lauren Graham is probably half a foot taller than I am and her scarf is dragging on the fake-slushy streets, that scarf's probably twice my size. Congrats, costume department. I bow down before your supremacy. Lorelai asks if the plural of "yo-yo" is "yos-yo." This will go on.
Luke's. Lane is the new Jess, and she does it more nicely and more prettily. Why hasn't Lane always been working at Luke's? That would have satisfied many of our Lane cravings. Rory tells us that Lane's been working here for a couple of days now, and that when she brought in an application, Luke even gave her an interview. By "interview," however, she means that Luke and Lane stared at each other in silence for five minutes before Luke asked Lane how she was doing. Lane said "good," and then he gave her the job. Rory sits like I do when I wear a skirt, which is why I try not to wear skirts too often. Lorelai wonders what kind of stuff they'll be privy to now that they've got someone working on the inside. Lorelai says he might keep secret things back there in the storeroom and kitchen. "A showgirl costume," Rory guesses. "Extra jelly packets? Butter? Discarded day-old bread?" Rory says that's the stuff they get when they go dumpster-diving. Lorelai notes that this will be easier on their shoes.
Luke walks up at this point, complaining about Lane the SuperWaitress. Lorelai wonders if the plural of pancakes is "panscake." Luke says it's not going to work out with Lane: "She's too good." He doesn't know why she took the job: "I mean, I totally blew the interview." Hee. Lane bounces up and greets Lorelai and Rory, before asking if Luke's got it. He says he has. Lane runs back to the kitchen, telling Cesar he needs to hurry up with an order. Luke complains that Lane once cleaned the menus during a lull, without being asked. Lorelai asks if that should be "mens-u." Luke knows this job won't be challenging enough for Lane, and that she'll get bored. Lorelai suggests that Luke buy her a chemistry set. "Or a foosball table," Rory adds.
Luke leaves to find something to do, causing Rory to say, "Having help is stressing him." Lorelai asks Rory why she's going back to Yale so early when she still has a couple of days before classes start. Rory wants to get a jump on studying, and to have a couple of days alone before her roommates get back. Lorelai: "Where are the roomsmate?" Paris is on vacation with Jamie, skiing, and has called Rory to say that she's having fun. Lorelai then asks Rory, "So you're just ignoring the plural thing now?" Rory: "Yeah." Lorelai gets up in Paris's business, asking if everything's okay with her and Jamie. Rory doesn't tell the truth, and instead says they're fine. Lane tells Luke to get coffee for the table in the corner, and Luke runs like a puppy getting orders. Lorelai says, kind of from nowhere, "Wow. Maybe this Luke and Lane thing isn't going to work out." Oh, calm down, Lorelai. She's not going to have sex with him. Rory agrees. "Where do you think Luke will go?" Lorelai asks. Rory hopes a big chain will take him on. Lorelai wonders if Luke has a forklift license. Rory: "He could redeem recyclables." Lorelai: "You mean 'recycs-able'?" Rory makes a pained, stressed face that is worth calling "scene" on, which they do. Opening credits.
Lorelai and Michel are on their way to Sookie's, carrying a bag of moldings for the inn for Sookie to help choose. Lorelai promises that they'll be in and out once Sookie picks one. Michel doesn't want to do any food sampling. He says he hasn't seen Sookie once this month without getting fattening food shoved in his mouth. Lorelai asks if he's sure it was food every time. (Dirty!) Michel tells Lorelai that she can joke all she wants, but that as long as super-low rise jeans are in fashion for men, he must stay super-trim. Lorelai knocks on Sookie's door and asks Michel, "How low we talkin' here?" Michel: "I've had to wax." Lorelai declares the subject over and enters Sookie's house.
Sookie picks out a strip of molding that happens to be Lorelai's favorite, too. It also happens to be the most expensive. Sookie says it's amazing how they always pick out the pricey stuff. She begins to ask if anyone wants something to eat, but Michel screams, "No!" before Sookie can get the words out. Sookie says she made hot water for tea. "Tea?" Michel asks, hope creeping into the sound of his voice. "You like Earl Grey, right?" Sookie asks, carrying a tray of teacups. She hands Michel an empty cup and tries to make us believe it's filled with hot tea, but Michel holds the damn thing with his fingertips and the camera's at such an angle that we can see that it's completely empty, so it sort of looks like Sookie's lost it and is having a sad little-girl tea party and everybody's obliging because she's crazy. Sookie follows the teacup with a scone, and Michel freaks out. He accuses her of trying to fatten him out of a love life. "I thought you were celibate," Sookie says. "Not by choice," Michel pouts. The baby starts screaming. "You woke up Davey, big mouth!" Sookie says to Michel. Way to be a momma, Sook. Lorelai asks if Sookie's going to check on him, but she doesn't move, saying that the baby will be out there in a second. This isn't because we've aged Davey three years, as many television shows would do during a holiday hiatus; it's because Tobin, played by Bruce McCulloch, has replaced that midwife all of you hated, which is sad because the woman who played her, Rusty Schwimmer, is apparently a very nice lady. But fine. You guys hated her, so you get a character you kind of didn't like even more.
"Hi," Tobin says. "And I'm high around this little thing." Michel is livid, and says he knows he's being Punk'd right now. Tobin is back in town, and is currently Davey's nanny, until something more permanent comes along. Tobin gives us a summary of what he's been up to since the five minutes we've seen him previously. It involves moving to Utah and being a Mormon and then giving all of that up because of the strict rules. Tobin suggests that the little cookie-pancake things Sookie just made would be perfect for breakfast. Sookie and Lorelai treat Tobin like an idea genius, and Michel is furious. Davey starts yelling, prompting Tobin to conclude that Michel's voice hits a pitch that is painful for Davey's ears. "Michel hates babies," Sookie tells Tobin. Michel screams that he does not hate babies. Lorelai says that babies hate Michel. Michel says that they have a limited time together, the three of them, and that Tobin keeps cutting in on their meeting time. Tobin says he's not cutting in. The baby is an extension of Sookie, and for now he's an extension of the baby. He says they joked earlier today that "the baby has a meeting today." Tobin gasps and pulls out the same strip of molding. "I love this!" Lorelai shouts, "We do, too!" Sookie leaves to get Tobin his own cup of tea. Tobin and Michel shoot each other evil looks.
Friday-night dinner. Lorelai can't believe that even Richard and Emily knew about culs de sac. (My spell check doesn't.) Lorelai says that probably Mariah Carey doesn't know the plural of "cul de sac." Richard can't believe nobody has ever corrected Lorelai's mistake. Hey, I got a question. When the hell would you say "culs de sac," anyway? "I've lived in many houses, all built on on culs de sac." Lorelai says she will never let this go.
Rory asks for dessert. Emily says that she and Richard brought a special surprise for dessert from Switzerland, and that they must all go to the living room to enjoy it. So the girls gleefully skip into the living room, assuming they're getting some lovely Swiss chocolate. But no. It's marzipan. I have never had marzipan, so I ask Stee what it tastes like. He immediately winces, and goes, "Like a chewy...tree." So there you go. This is the man who loves candy so much that he has an Ozzy-style candy drawer. Lorelai -- who never learned the words "thank you" -- complains that she was hoping for chocolate. ["I might not thank someone who gave me marzipan, either. It's nasty. I'd say it tastes more like a big dried-up lump of paste." -- Wing Chun] There is much discussion over marzipan. Lorelai says she won't even try it. Rory says she will. (She must get her manners from her father.) Richard says that the one shaped like a pig was for her, and the bunny was for Lorelai. Lorelai melts when she finds out that someone bought her something shaped like a bunny, and decides to try the candy. She must try it annoyingly, though, and whines, "I wanna bunny! Give me a bunny!" Rory is pouting through her pig, and looks over at Lorelai. Luckily the doorbell rings, so Richard and Emily don't see Lorelai recoil in horror at the food in her mouth. Richard says it's probably Jason, dropping something off on his way back from the airport. Emily isn't happy that Digger has popped in during the dinner hour, but Richard says that Digger's probably exhausted, since a flight from Australia is taxing.
Enter Digger, whose beard has grown in about as well as my boyfriend's has, which is to say that Chris Eigeman must be part Irish. Richard compliments Digger on looking so fit. "It's from fucking your daughter, sir." Lorelai and Digger shake hands, pretending that they barely know each other. Rory says hi. Digger hands Richard some papers. Lorelai suggests that Emily offer Digger some marzipan. Emily asks if he would like some. "Would I!" Digger says to Lorelai. ("Harelip! Harelip!" -- old joke. Sorry if I've lost you, there. ["Golly, Pam, I didn't realize you were my dad." -- Wing Chun]) Lorelai takes great delight in watching Digger eat the marzipan. Emily tells him to take some home with him in a napkin, but to make sure it's not the one Lorelai spat her piece into. Lorelai and Rory try to contain their giggles as Digger moves the candy around in his mouth and says he needs to leave now. Lorelai, subtle as a billboard on the Sunset Strip, gets up to "be right back." Emily asks if Rory has swallowed her marzipan. Rory hums that she has, but then she admits that she hasn't. Richard hands her a napkin. Rory spits out the candy.
Lorelai stands at the window, watching Digger in his car. She calls him on the phone and says, "Um, so. You're back." He says he is no hologram. She asks if Australia was good. It was. Hot. He says he drank a lot of beer and thought about her often. He asks when they're getting together again. "How about now?" he asks. Lorelai says that would be too spontaneous. Digger suggests Monday for dinner, "et cetera." Yikes. Lorelai says that would be good, et cetera. She asks what he's going to do with his marzipan. Digger says he'd dump it on the road, but he's not sure it's environmentally sound. "I don't think marzipan biodegrades," Lorelai agrees. Digger decides that he'll serve it to clients he doesn't like. They hang up.
It's night at Yale...someday. Rory's getting her radiator fixed by a technician who must be charging $300 an hour at this time of night. He tells Rory she's smart to get to school early like this, adding how much he likes Yale when most of the students are gone. As he's chatting, Rory sees Paris and Michael York mugging down outside her window. So much for Paris hitting the slopes with Jamie. Rory tries to look busy with an InStyle when Paris walks in. "You're back early," they say to each other. Rory asks Paris where her bags are. Paris says that they're in the room, and that she got back this morning. Rory's such a terrible liar. Paris complains about the resort where she was with Jamie, and how Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart kept kissing with tongue and touching each other in public: "It was foul." Hee. The girls have an awkward goodbye as Paris goes to her room.
Lorelai is eating pizza from the box at the sink. Oh, man, that girl needs a friend. Anyway, she drops a piece and stumbles all the way to the ground, making things worse. She puts one arm in the air and says, "And...scene!" I'm pretty sure this must have happened at the craft-services table just minutes before they were starting this scene and the director said, "Let's do that!" because it looks a little bit like they're trying to recreate magic here, and it falls flat. Lorelai starts to clean up, and Rory catches Lorelai sweeping crumbs under the sink. Heh. I have been known to do that, too. Man, how close is Yale? Because Rory is just driving all over the state of Connecticut tonight. Rory tells Lorelai that Paris got back and is not with Jamie anymore. Lorelai wants to know all the dirt. Rory says that Paris is seeing a Yale professor: "It's so weird." Lorelai isn't as upset with Rory for holding onto this information as I thought she'd be. Rory spills it all, including seeing Michael York and Paris making out on more than one occasion. Lorelai says she can't believe Paris is doing an older man. Rory says that she didn't say Paris was "doing" him -- just that she was kissing him. Lorelai says that when you're "doing" an older man, you're probably "doing older-man things." Rory is grossed out, because she's virginal. Lorelai seems kind of fine with this, but it's because she assumes that the professor in question is in his thirties or forties. I would think she'd assume he was in his twenties or early thirties, since thirty-five/forty places him at Lorelai's age, and I would think Lorelai would be grossed out by that. When she finds out that the professor is a friend of Richard's, Lorelai is as grossed out as...well, we are. Rory tells Lorelai how he and Paris met. "Sixty? Like, sixty-sixty?" Lorelai asks, adding that she now knows who Woody Allen's leading lady will be. Rory says she's not even sure Paris has broken things off with Jamie. Rory says it's not fair: Jamie's a nice guy, a patient guy, and Paris shouldn't be doing this to him. Lorelai gets the best line of the season: "Oh, honey. If she likes another guy, there's nothing you can do about it. Let us all...remember Dean." Rory says it's different, as she didn't cheat on Dean with an older guy -- an older guy who has kids, no less. Lorelai asks what Yale would say if they knew about this. Rory says that he's risking everything -- his job, his reputation. "Yes, well, he'll always have Paris," Lorelai says with such a look of satisfaction. Rory: "How long have you been waiting with that one?" Lorelai says she had a feeling the opportunity would present itself eventually. Rory hopes that this is a phase that will pass. Lorelai goes to answer the phone, noting, "Yeah, well, or...he will." Hee! It's Michel on the phone, upset. Lorelai says she's on her way. What time is it? What day is it? Lorelai asks Rory if she'll be there when she gets back. Rory says she will, because Paris was getting out her potter's wheel as Rory was leaving. Lorelai says she'll pick up Chinese. "Or we could just eat what's under the sink!" Rory suggests. "Ah, the wit," Lorelai says. "Get egg rolls." Lorelai reminds Rory that old guys don't like 'em bossy.
Michel is watching Davey for reasons that make absolutely no sense. And hey, just a suggestion. To enjoy this scene, pretend Davey is a puppy or maybe a child a little bit older than two months old. Then it's kind of cute and doesn't make your estrogen flare up in a protective mom-lifts-car kind of way. So, yeah. Here's what happened. (Side note: Michel refers to Jackson as "The Farmer," and that's damn funny.) Michel was playing a game to stop Davey crying, and it involved rolling the baby up in a blanket and then flipping him out. He called the game "baby crepe," but you might call it "Snap Davey's neck, because he still can't hold up his own head" or "Centrifugal Force Cartilage Snap." Regardless, in this world where babies are...bowling pins, I guess, Michel (who can't stop referring to Davey as an "it" (I hear ya, Michel)) was rolling this baby in and out of the blanket until the baby somehow rolled underneath the bed, where he...got stuck somehow, and then fell asleep. He's now sleeping peacefully. If Davey had been rolled underneath my bed, he'd be suffering an asthma attack, choking on hundreds of dustbunnies. Michel is surprised to find out that the baby is named Davey, since he's been calling him "Truman." Better name. And then, to make things even worse, they decide to lift the bed (Michel tries to take off his shirt to do it, but Lorelai makes him stop. Stupid Lorelai) and pull the baby out from under it, and if you weren't one digit away from calling child-protective services before, you've now programmed it on your speed dial, because it appears that Lorelai and Michel are fixing to kill that baby through some kind of Three Stoogery. But Davey's fine, and Michel is exhausted, and he admits that he doesn't want Tobin to replace Michel in Sookie's and Lorelai's lives. I don't know much about the man who plays Michel, but one of the things we've discussed before in this living room was whether the accent was real. We decided it was until this very scene, where it slips often enough that I now think it's been excellently put on all these years. Lorelai promises that Michel isn't going to be replaced by Tobin: "We like Tobin. We are addicted to you." Lorelai says that as long as Michel stays far, far away from Davey from now on, they will continue to love him. Suggestion: never speak of this night to Sookie.
Yale paper...newsroom thingy. Rory and Paris are making newspaper hats. Rory puts hers on. It's kind of like a bucket head. Paris tells her it stinks. Rory says it's just a newspaper hat, and that isn't supposed to spark a trend. This is when Paris puts her own hat on, which is totally cute and very Jackie O, with a little newspaper flower on the side. Rory asks how she did that. "Martha Stewart," Paris answers. Rory can't believe Martha once did a show on newspaper hats. Then some guy in the back -- a redhead in a hoodie -- screams like Howard Dean at a rally, and then rants about having to make a hat. He calls it academically approved torture, and says that these hats have nothing to do with being able to write for a newspaper. Rory lets us know that this guy's name is Glenn. Paris tells him that this is tradition. Glenn calls it hazing. He refuses to do it. This is when Doyle walks up and informs Glenn that if he doesn't wear the hat, he's not getting on the paper. Glenn asks for another sheet of newspaper. Doyle then gives a very, very, very long speech about how important this paper is, and how tonight is a much-beloved tradition, when they stay up all night and make the paper. Doyle compliments Rory, Paris, and Glenn. Then he complains about Time for about a minute and a half. What day is it now? Sunday? Doyle concludes by demanding a cup of tea. Paris asks Rory why she never told Paris what she thought of Paris's article on Michael York. Rory says she merely skimmed it. Paris says she trusts Rory's opinion and would like to discuss it. Paris's phone rings. "No phone calls while you're wearing The Hat!" Doyle shouts, but Paris coos into the phone, ignoring Doyle, and steps outside for some privacy. Rory tells Paris that she's not supposed to leave while wearing The Hat. Paris doesn't care. Glenn -- wearing his hat like a Sheik -- tells Rory it's a good thing that high school had already beaten all of the self-esteem out of him. Hi, Rory. Love your bra. It's so rigid. It's the star of this scene.
Digger's place. Digger can't believe Lorelai talked through an entire movie. Dump her, Digger. ["Unless it was Honey, of course." -- Wing Chun] "Well, nothing else was happening!" Lorelai protests. Digger says that there was an entire movie with people in costume, and horses. Lorelai complains that the horses never talked. Digger says this wasn't a talking horse movie. As Digger pours wine, Lorelai complains that Digger is "vibing" her movie-watching habits. Digger insists that he isn't, but tells Lorelai that the large man in a wife-beater who was sitting in front of them wanted to discuss Lorelai's movie-watching habits outside. Seriously, you can't take Lorelai anywhere. Lorelai takes a look at Digger's place. He asks her verdict. Lorelai notes that he doesn't have many knick-knacks. Digger says he doesn't need things that have no obvious purpose. I look at my dog bookends -- which have one tiny book on San Francisco between them -- and beg to differ. They sit to two containers of coasters, a candle holder, a picture frame, and a plant. What else is a table for? Lorelai says that tchochkes are to make you smile, to make a room seem whimsical and fun. Digger says he has a clown come over once a week to make the room feel fun and whimsical, so he has it covered. Lorelai says she thought Digger had a dog. Digger points to his dog, who is sitting in front of the fireplace. No lie -- I totally thought it was a stuffed dog. But it's not. His name is Cyrus, and he's a real beagle, and I love this dog so much. He just kind of hangs out quietly, chillin', waiting around for...death, I guess. Lorelai says that Cyrus is cute, and "very still." "Yeah," Digger agrees. "He's the best." Heh. Digger says that Cyrus was trained by the Monks of New Skete, so he's incredibly well-behaved. He was housebroken in an hour. He has a two-bark minimum for delivery guys. Digger brags that he taught his dog very special commands that only his dog could know, instead of the standard "sit" and "stay." Cyrus understands "a little to the left." Digger demonstrates. Man, that's cute. Cyrus stands and moves one step to the left. Love it! Lorelai asks what that's good for. Apparently Lorelai doesn't have TiVo. "A little to the left" would come in handy here when I'm trying to change channels. Digger admits that Cyrus doesn't know "a little to the right"; he does "a little to the left" until Cyrus hits the wall, and then he turns him around. And yeah, this is the moment when I decide I like Digger. Sue me! I'm only so strong! At least he's more interesting than Max, and seems to be a bit kinder than Christopher. Lorelai calls both Digger and his dog extremely weird. "Thank you," says Digger. They kiss. "Thank you," Lorelai says. Cyrus is staring, so Lorelai wonders if they're setting a bad example. Digger spins one finger, and Cyrus turns around to face the wall. "Okay. Well, that one I get," Lorelai says.
Newsroom. Doyle's arguing with some girl to the effect that if she wants her article to be just "perfectly good," then she should go to Harvard. Rory brings Doyle the ice cream he requested. Doyle is unhappy, because this strawberry ice cream has real strawberries in it. "I don't even know how to respond to that," Rory says. But he takes it anyway. Rory asks why he's so grumpy. Doyle says he's got an issue to put out and a big hole on the back page because his editorial writers chose to be unopinionated today. He admits that he also got rejected as a Yale stringer for Time. Doyle says that this is a major blow to his career. "You're twenty," says Rory. Glenn comes up and says it's unfair that Paris gets to bail on tonight. Doyle and Rory didn't know that Paris was gone, but Rory covers, saying that Paris had a family emergency thing that she must have left for.
Digger's in a robe. Try to contain yourselves, ladies. Lorelai asks if he has a Cosmo lying around so that she can find out how many calories they just burned. Digger says he looked: "It's 55." Lorelai says it must be way more. He hands her some water and asks if she's cold: "I could turn up the heat." Lorelai: "Oh, please. Enough with the bragging." She says she's good, and that she'll fall asleep extremely happy tonight. This gets Digger a little tense. He tells Lorelai to remember that she likes his weird little quirks. "You're not going to ask to wear my dress, are you?" she asks. Digger admits that he sleeps alone. Always. He's a terribly light sleeper and can't sleep with anyone else. He says there's a spectacular guest room made up (apparently he's had to appease many, many ladies over the years and has learned what kind of room keeps a girl until the morning), and that it's nothing personal, but could Lorelai kindly get her cheap ass off his Egyptian cotton? He wants her to stay over so that he can make her breakfast and have her be adjacent-ish when he gets up in the morning. Lorelai says she's a big girl and can handle the truth, so she should go home anyway. Digger swears that he's not trying to get rid of her, and begs her to take a peek at the guest room. She says he's weird.
But Lorelai looks at the room. It's filled with books, which means I wouldn't mind having to stay there every night. There's a fully loaded mini-bar with soda, candy, and tiny bottles of hooch. Mmm. CD player, CDs, and a DVD library. Oh, yeah. Keep going, Digger. Faster! Faster! Digger hits a remote and a plasma television raises from the foot of the bed. My boyfriend is now dating Digger. "Oh, come on, now that is cool," Digger says to Lorelai. She admits that the room is good. Digger wishes this were his own room, but that if he has any distractions, he can't sleep: "TV, reading material, absolutely gorgeous woman." Lorelai scoffs that she should at least get billing over the television. "It's plasma," Digger says. Lorelai: "Oh. Well." He tells Lorelai that the bathroom is stocked with Kiehl's, and now I'm dating Digger. Lorelai says that if she leaves it won't be that big a deal. If she leaves, I'm going over there. Lorelai says she'll stay, adding, "Freak." He thanks her, kisses her, and goes off to his sensory-deprivation tank. Lorelai jumps into bed and turns on The Daily Show. Yep, that's a perfect night, right there.
Rory is asleep in her bed. Paris comes home, wanting to chat with Rory, so she makes as much noise as possible as she enters the room, slamming the door, sighing, and making a general racket. Rory pretends to be asleep. Paris tells Rory that it's "late, late, late, late, late, late, late." She asks Rory if she wants to know where Paris was. Rory says she doesn't. Paris says she lost track of time, and should probably remember to take her watch. Rory rolls over in her bed. Paris says she didn't think it would go that late tonight, and that she had quite a night. Rory says she doesn't want to know where she was, what she was doing, or whom she was doing it with. She says she covered for Paris with Doyle, so tomorrow she has to tell Doyle her aunt died, or whatever. Rory says she doesn't want anything to do with any of this or what she was doing or whom she was doing it with -- "Especially who." Rory plops back down to her pillow. There's a beat, and then Paris beams, "I smell like pipe tobacco." Hee! Rory moans and covers her head with her pillow. I love Paris.
Morning. Lorelai finds Digger dressed, watching the news, sipping coffee, and making breakfast. Lorelai is wearing her dress from last night. Walk of Shame! Walk of Shame! She says hello to Cyrus. Digger asks if she'd still find him attractive if he were poor. Lorelai says she wouldn't. Lorelai says she watched The Daily Show, had the best sleep of her life, and then got up and watched Fast Times at Ridgemont High while having a vanilla-scented Jacuzzi bath. Huh. What time is it? Digger says he was hoping the look on her face was from sex with him. "No, it was the Jacuzzi bath," Lorelai beams. They kiss. Lorelai pours herself some coffee and asks if they can not sleep together again tonight. Digger carries their breakfast to the table. She compliments all the food he made. Digger says that once he doesn't need to impress her anymore, it's back to cornflakes and beer. Lorelai eats her eggs and compliments them. Lorelai says she doesn't want to tell Emily and Richard about them just yet. Digger doesn't understand. Lorelai says that nothing's simple with her and her parents, and that it's best if they don't know, since it's none of their business. Digger says that these things have a way of coming out. Lorelai says she never slips up. She thinks it's weird, since he's in business with Richard, who won't get used to this. Digger says that secrets are exhausting, and that you always have to watch everything you say. Digger, check out the past four seasons of this show. Lorelai says she's always watching everything she says around her parents anyway. Digger suggests that they tell one of her parents. Lorelai promises that they'll tell them eventually, but not now. Digger agrees, since they are her parents. She asks if she can feed some bacon to Cyrus. Digger asks Cyrus if he wants some bacon. Cyrus moves one ear, kinda. "That is one strange dog, Jason," Lorelai says. "Yep," Digger concurs.
Emily's. There are other people arriving with Lorelai. Someone asks Lorelai how much longer it's going on. A woman asks Lorelai for her ticket and says she can't take the tour without the ticket. Emily says that this is her daughter, and lets her in. Lorelai is wearing a killer dress. My goodness, I wish I had this show's wardrobe. Emily explains that the historical society is using the house for a walking tour, and that the money goes for a good cause. She raises the red velvet rope in front of the dining room so that Lorelai can join Richard and Rory at the dinner table. Richard is fuming, because the tour was supposed to end two hours ago. He says that the Society shouldn't be infringing on the Gilmores' lives. A tourist coos that they hired actors hired to play the family. Richard shouts that they are not actors. The guide pulls the onlookers away. Emily tells Richard to ignore them and pass the carrots. Hey, remember when they were in a huge fight, last episode? I guess that all got cleared up. Wonderful. Richard says he feels like he's in a zoo. Lorelai reminds him of what monkeys do when they don't like people staring at them in zoos. Richard doesn't know what that would be, and Emily tells him not to ask, even though she doesn't know what the answer is either. Someone plays the piano, even though there's a sign saying not to. Richard leaves the table to go correct the tour guide on the house's history. Emily leaves. Lorelai congratulates Rory on making the paper. She says that Rory needs to get a nickname like "Smitty" and start talking really fast. "Faster than I already do?" Rory asks. Richard and Emily come back to the table, bickering. They end up discussing a function they went to last night, and mention that Digger brought some braless floozy with him. Time has passed, you see. Lorelai is upset. Rory and Lorelai stare at each other. Emily says that because of Digger's date, she now knows all the places to get her acrylics filled. Hee. Richard calls Emily a snob, and says that Digger's date was a beautiful woman. Emily says she's perfect for Digger: "She looks like exactly the kind of gold-digger who would latch on to an immature little con artist like Jason." Richard, and the rest of us, ask Emily to tell us how she really feels. Lorelai asks whether Digger is serious about this girl. Emily says she looks like a perfectly good first wife for him.
The Dragonfly. It's still under construction. Michel wants to know where his office would be. Lorelai says that Fonzie used the bathroom. Michel corrects her, and says he never used the bathroom only intermittently, and not for any business for which was paid. He had an office at the auto shop where he worked, and had access to the teacher's lounge, where he taught night school. Lorelai tells Michel that he's taking this Fonzie thing way too seriously. Digger shows up and asks if he can talk with Lorelai. He's briefly introduced to Michel and Sookie, who appear to approve, even though they should be mad because Lorelai certainly told them about the other woman.
Outside, Digger asks if Michel and Sookie know who he is. Lorelai says they do. Digger compliments the place and says that Lorelai seems a little distracted. Lorelai says she heard he went to a function with another woman. Digger says he did. Lorelai: "My mother said she didn't wear any underwear." Digger: "Emily didn't wear underwear?" Hee. Her name is Crystal! Lorelai: "Who are you, Hugh Hefner?" Digger says he has to bring this stupid girl to these stupid functions because Lorelai doesn't want to tell her parents that she's dating Digger, and he can't go stag to these events. Lorelai is wearing too much eye makeup. She's also wearing her fourth scarf this episode. Digger asks if they can tell her parents so that these things won't happen. Lorelai pouts. Digger says he has no interest in spending a second of his time with any other woman but Lorelai, and Eartha Kitt. "Well, sure," Lorelai says. She tells Digger she doesn't want to tell her parents yet, so she'll adjust to this whole Crystal thing. Digger says it's great for her, since she doesn't have to talk to Crystal. Lorelai flirts, and asks if he'd like to see the apple trees. "She thinks that Babe really can talk!" he says of Crystal.
A girl who isn't Paris storms into Rory's contemporary fiction class, late and hurried, and not played by me. The girl swears that this semester she was going to do everything on time. She'd come to class, do her homework, and turn in her assignments on time. She gasps. "I left my purse on the bench!" and runs off, bumping into Michael York. He sees Rory and says he's glad she's taking this class. He says it seems very natural, since they have someone very important in common: "Your grandfather! Good man." Michael York begins teaching. Rory seems upset. Maybe because she can see long Paris hairs hanging from his lapel.