As Rory and Lorelai head into Luke's, Lorelai retells Jessica Simpson's latest sound bite: that twenty-three is old, because it's almost twenty-five. Rory can't believe we live in a world where Jessica Simpson roams free while Roy gets eaten by a tiger. "Survival of the fittest, baby," Lorelai says. They enter the restaurant and complain that all of the tables have been taken. "Damn that Zagat guide!" Rory pouts. These girls wait for nothin', so they hover near two one-person tables. Rory beams at an elderly couple, while Lorelai stops just shy of hitting on a "cybergeek."
Cut to the girls pushing two tables together to create one. Lorelai compliments Rory's hovering style, adding that the tiny, dainty sneeze was the perfect touch, because germs are terrifying to the old. Rory says that Luke always hates it when they push two tables together, but Lorelai says he only complained "that one time" -- the time they "did it and he was mad." Dirty. Rory says he's hated it every time. They continue arguing in this manner, and Lorelai brags that she's going to do the same thing to Luke until he's so dizzy he throws up.
The girls pull out their calendars to plan their week. Rory has exams to study for starting Monday, so Lorelai decides they'll spend Sunday at Sephora and the movies. Luke is chipper as he runs up to the table and asks if they know what they want to eat. Lorelai says that they'll need napkins to cover up the giant line dividing the two big tables they've pushed together. Luke asks if they want pancakes: he's made pumpkin pancakes today. The girls do, and wonder why Luke isn't mad that they've pushed the two tables together. He says he was only mad "that one time." And for some reason, Lorelai has forgotten that she was the first one to state this fact. Now she's dumbfounded. Luke says he's in a good mood because he's "finally hired some help." Not that either Cesar One or Two is "help." Nor was Jess. Well, actually, I guess he wasn't. Luke says he feels like a weight has been lifted off him, and that he's so happy finally to have some help in there. Luke laughs and leaves for the girls' food.
Rory asks Lorelai about Digger. Lorelai says that there's nothing to talk about. Rory says she's in a serious relationship dry spell and needs to live vicariously through...her mom. Ew. Lorelai admits that Digger has sent things to the house (Rory: "Pipe bombs?" Lorelai: "Flowers, Candy." Rory: "Even better"), but she doesn't think it'd be appropriate to date her dad's business partner. Ya think? Lorelai admits that Digger isn't her type, but that he has "a thing" and the smarts, and he keeps up with Lorelai. Rory says that she should date him and see what happens. Lorelai knows it would make her parents angry, and that Emily would see it as a personal attack. Lorelai has only recently been forgiven for spilling wine on the carpet when she fourteen, so she's hoping to keep a clean record.
Rory freaks out when she sees Luke's new helper boy. He's Brennan Lewis, and apparently he's "Ew!" Rory went to junior high with him. When they dissected frogs, Brennan didn't wash his hands afterward, and then he ate a sandwich. Rory calls him the lost Farrelly brother, and then says that Brennan is so stupid that after he watched The Breakfast Club, he taped his own butt cheeks together. Lorelai says they should give him a chance, since Luke hired him. Brennan brings over the pancakes. He doesn't remember Rory from seven years ago. Rory can't believe he doesn't remember her. Brennan admits that he's seen a lot of frogs in his life. Lorelai laughs, and Rory's pretty close to rude in Brennan's face. Seriously, there's almost no difference here between Brennan and Jess standing in front of Rory, pretending not to know what she's talking about, not getting her what she wants, and not getting it. Lorelai says to Rory: "Your kids will be gorgeous." Rory sneers, and we go to opening credits.
Yale cafeteria. Paris and Rory sit with Richard, who tells a lengthy story about a "chubby" roommate of his in college whom everyone hated, so at night when he slept, they'd tie the boy between two mattresses and toss him out the window. The boy would then sleep on the ground, undisturbed. This happened night after night for a month until the boy finally transferred schools. Establishing her granddaddy complex for us early on, Paris gushes to Richard about how grateful she is that he invited her to lunch to hear his old Yale stories. Richard says he's lucky to get to entertain two lovely, young ladies. Paris: "You are a honey-tongued devil, aren't you, Dick?" Rory makes the appropriate "ew" face. Richard asks the girls their plans for the game. Rory doesn't know what that means, but Paris brags that she had bought her tickets a month ago, because this is The Game, something that is a college memory. Paris is collecting college memories like some of us save movie tickets. Richard tells Rory that he and Emily buy a block of seats for this game every year, and that this year they bought a seat for her. Rory puts on a polite face and says she'd love to go. Paris says this will be "a day to remember."
Michael York walks up and says hello to Richard. Michael York is playing an esteemed professor named Asher Fleming. Paris loves Asher Fleming, and has read his latest book four times. She tells this to Rory as Michael York and Richard catch up. "He was on Charlie Rose last week and it almost kept me awake," Paris says. Let's just take a second to think about the stuntcasting this show has done for November sweeps. This sure ain't NBC. There's no Bruce Willis, Brad Pitt, and Madonna. It's Traci Lords, Sebastian Bach, and Michael York. It is one of the many reasons I love this show. Paris wonders if she can get Michael York to give her an interview for the paper. Rory says it's her grandfather who knows Michael York, so Rory should get the interview. She then admits that she was just trying to drive Paris crazy. "Like that's hard," Paris says. "Be proud." So, anyway, Basil Exposition is doing just that with Richard so that we know he is a former classmate of Richard's. Paris gushes that she loved him on Charlie Rose. "Well, Charlie Rose is a good friend of mine," Michael York says. "Whatever," Paris says. She asks him for an interview for tomorrow. He agrees, pronouncing "schedule" with the hard "c" instead of "shed-ule," the way I'll bet he does in real life. As Michael York walks away, Paris shouts, "I'm a fan!" She then realizes that she probably should have opened with that sentence. Rory notes that if she had, she wouldn't be Paris.
Back at home, Lorelai checks her messages. It's Digger, saying that a better, smarter, stronger man would have grown a pair by now and moved on, realizing that Lorelai isn't interested. But he's not a better man, so he asks her out on a date one more time, threatening that he's nearing his pathetic threshold and will stop trying. Lorelai picks up the phone. She has memorized Digger's number. Digger can't believe Lorelai has called him back, and asks someone to document this moment. Lorelai tells him not to give her a hard time. Lauren Graham is so pretty. Digger knows that Lorelai has called to turn him down, so he mentions that he got them reservations at The China Garden, some fancy-schmancy place that's a hot scene. Lorelai says she's tempted, but since Digger works with Richard and is hated by Emily, and comes from Lorelai's world, she almost finds him repulsive. Digger says he's going to keep the reservation and go by himself to see what all the fuss is about, and that Lorelai is welcome to join him, if she changes her mind and feels like wearing her killer little black dress. Lorelai apologizes, and confirms Digger's suspicions that she does look good in a little black dress.
Friday-night dinner at Emily's. Richard and Emily are angry with their neighbors, who are trying to make a Christmas display that is against the code or charter or whatever it is fancy homeowners get all fussy about when people try to live their own lives. Lorelai asks them to take a step back, examine the discussion they're having, and then spend some time apart. Rory asks for more beef. Lorelai compliments the food, and Emily thanks her, as if Emily had anything to do with the purchasing, preparation, cooking, or serving of the dinner. Richard tells Rory that they'll pick her up at the dorm the morning at 9. Lorelai can't believe that the Earth might have rotated a few degrees without her being involved, and demands to know what everybody's doing tomorrow. Lorelai's codependency kicks in, and she begs to be included in The Game, including at the expense of someone else, a person who may or may not have just had his colon removed, who was planning on going to the big game tomorrow, and now because Lorelai threw a tantrum, will be sitting at home, nursing his missing colon, maybe catching the game on television. Emily looks like she's faking this interest in The Game about as much as Rory is. It's as if Emily has all these things she has to do because she's Richard's wife, like assembling launch parties, throwing cocktail parties, going to The Game, making small talk about business partners, sending off Christmas cards. I wonder what Emily actually enjoys. Does she read? Does she do anything that doesn't involve a committee or a yearly tradition? Who did Emily want to be when she was younger? When Emily reminds Lorelai that she doesn't like football, Lorelai says, "Well, no, I'm not the die-hard fan that say...you are, Mom." Hee. Richard and Emily leave to make the appropriate phone calls to free up a ticket for Lorelai. Lorelai can't believe Rory didn't invite her along for this time away from classes, and Rory can't believe Lorelai just got herself into a football game. Lorelai assumes that the thing will only go on for about an hour and a half. Rory just stares. And when Lorelai finds out that it goes on for much longer, she scoffs in pain. You still have a colon, honey. "Maybe he has a semi-colon," my boyfriend says. I leave the room.
Luke's. Early. Lorelai is collapsed on a table, complaining that she hates football, and that she can't believe Rory didn't try harder to get her out of going to this game. Lorelai thinks she might have forgotten to put on underwear, and asks Rory to check and see if she's wearing any. She then realizes that she has just asked her daughter to check and see if she's wearing underwear: "I hate football." Rory says she needs coffee. Lorelai takes everything out on Brennan: "I hate that kid." Rory asks what happened to giving him a chance. Lorelai says that the chance ended when he dumped a chili-bean omelet on her the other day. Rory mumbles, "Oh, he's coming over here," which was a very funny delivery. He calls them "chicas" and asks for their order. Lorelai doesn't trust giving Brennan her order, because he's not writing anything down. Brennan promises that he's got it all up in his head. Rory asks for rye toast. Brennan asks if she'd like that toasted. As Brennan leaves, Rory tells Lorelai she's still got a better chance of getting the correct order. We get our required Lane cameo here when she enters the diner, furious that Brennan has given her an order of donuts and not bagels. Brennan points out that they both have holes in them. Lane yells at him and repeatedly tells him to get her bagels right now. Brennan instead grabs a pot of coffee and walks around for refills. Kirk asks for a napkin. Brennan pulls one out of his back pocket and gives it to Kirk. Kirk then asks for a napkin to put his napkin on. Hee. Note here that Brennan has put the pot of coffee in his right hand and balanced it there as he got the napkin. That kid should be a fireman! Lane complains to Rory and Lorelai that it's unfair Brennan got the job, because she would have loved working at Luke's. It's one of the few MamaLane-approved places. Brennan brings Rory her rye toast, and asks Lorelai if she had wanted something.
Luke enters the diner at this point, and Lorelai leaves the table to rip Luke a new one. Luke is amazed that Lorelai's going to the Harvard-Yale game. "Do you know what they do at the Harvard-Yale game?" he asks. Lorelai: "They make babies?" Luke: "They play football." Lorelai tells Luke that ever since he hired Brennan, the little spark has gone out of his eyes. It's hell watching him go through this, so he should fire Brennan. Lorelai then spills it: "He doesn't write the orders down. He never brings you food that's hot or yours. He can't distinguish bagels from donuts. He hands out butt napkins. And he's worn that Foreigner t-shirt every single day since he started working here --" (wasn't that yesterday?) -- "and he doesn't know who they are. I asked him." Luke asks for a definition of "butt napkins," so Lorelai tells him what happened to Kirk. Luke calls Brennan over and tells him not to do that anymore. Luke tells Lorelai to give Brennan a chance. He asks Brennan to give Lorelai some coffee. I don't even hear what Luke says because I'm watching Brennan carry over the orange pot and I'm waiting to hear the shrieks from Lorelai, but Luke stops him and says that it's decaf. Brennan, having to fire too many synapses in a row, leaves the area completely. "Where did he go?" Lorelai asks. Luke leaves to go find him.
The sea of blue that is "Yale." Lorelai can't believe so many people are up on a Saturday morning. Rory says that they're excited about life, but she finds nothing exciting before 11. Lorelai wonders who just shouted out a "yoo-hoo," and then discovers that it was her own mother. I thought schools in the Northeast went this crazy over basketball, and that it was only in the south that people were this nuts over football. Emily tells Lorelai that if she's going to continue sitting on the ground like that, she should get herself a saxophone and a tip cup. Heh. Anyway, Richard and Emily are decked out in Yale blue, and Emily frets over Lorelai's unfortunate decision to wear "crimson" today. Lorelai argues for a while, but ends up having to wear Emily's jacket and scarf to cover up her Harvard colors as Lorelai delivers an awkward Kill Bill joke. Rory has brought six thousand seventy-two Fig Newtons because sometimes Rory is a total tool. Richard and Emily laugh and laugh and laugh about the Fig Newtons, but we never get to find out exactly why. Is it an old Yale story, or is it because they're so rich they're having their own block party? I don't know. Rory and Lorelai can't believe the game doesn't start until 1. "Then why the hell did you meet us here at 9?" Lorelai whines. Emily asks if she has to talk like Sharon Osbourne. Lorelai points out Emily's dirty button; it tells Harvard to go to hell. Richard says that the game day is filled with rituals and traditions. It's time for a visit to Dan. "Who's Dan?" Lorelai and Rory ask over and over.
We've seen this alley before -- when Rory was getting her ID -- but now it has a glass case with a stuffed bulldog in it. This is Dan, the first Handsome Dan, the mascot of Yale. ["I'm so sure they'd keep a taxidermied dog in a glass case, outside, in Connecticut." -- Wing Chun] Emily pulls out a few collapsible shot glasses and prepares a toast using two flasks -- the virgin "Rory flask" and the "Fun Flask." I used to have one of those collapsible cups when I was in grade school, but it was plastic. I loved it so much. I used to take it to the water fountain and fill it up to have a glass of water on my desk. I was the biggest dork in the history of the educational system. It's true. ["No, I am. When I was in Grade 7, I once brought in a little spice rack from home and taped it to the side of my desk -- with Scotch tape -- so I could have a place to put my little dictionaries and thesaurus and stuff. Another time, I brought a portable typewriter from home to use on my desk. But in order for the noise of my typing not to disturb the other students, I would just strike each key very gently and then, when the little arm slowly came up, I would grab it and press it on the paper. I don't know why I did these things. And then the year I went to a different school and had a hard time making friends because my reputation as a gaywad preceded me." -- Wing Chun] Richard leads the toast -- a dedication to Dan. They drink. "I like football," Lorelai says. Richard pours everyone another, and admits that he's always wanted to be able to share this day with his granddaughter. Maybe he could have taken her one time in the past eighteen years. The second toast is to Rory. Richard starts a fight cheer, and everyone knows the song but Rory and Lorelai. Way to show some school spirit, Rory. Emily tells Lorelai that Cole Porter wrote this fight song. "Was that before he learned to write songs?" Lorelai asks. Ha. The young extras enjoy their moment in the sun, singing their hearts out around Richard. Emily declares it time to move on, and packs up her shot glass. Lorelai says a sentence that ends with the words "with nuts in our mouths." Richard and Lorelai enjoy one last shot. Richard tells Rory and Lorelai that they're off to a tailgate party, adding that tailgating was invented at Yale. The scene ends with Lorelai making another "Fun Flask" joke.
At the tailgate party, Lorelai flirts with an extra who has no lines, and who is barbecuing. Lorelai has decided that this is where she's going to tailgate until she sees that her parents have set up a gigantic catered picnic area with their chef and maid. Lorelai tells Barbecue Boy that she'll smell him later, and skips over to where her rich parents are sitting down for their fancy feast. I was at the Farmer's Market yesterday and saw a group of people eating Chinese food off plastic trays. In the middle of their plastic table was a candelabra. You can't make that shit up, you guys.
Lorelai and Richard are still boozing it up. Emily is making Bloody Marys. The first one burns off all of Lorelai's nose hair, so Emily goes back to make something a little weaker. I think it's the three-tiered tray of fruit that is my favorite thing in their tailgating booth. Richard takes Rory away to introduce her to some friends of his. Emily sits beside Lorelai and says that Richard is so proud of Rory: "Sometimes it's all he can talk about." Lorelai says Rory's a pretty good subject.
Richard introduces Rory to some older men. Somebody call Paris.
Emily asks Lorelai if they've heard anything from Jess. Lorelai says he appears to be gone for good. Really? Then why did it take nine episodes for you to mention him? Why are you gone until January? Why don't I feel comfortable with this little mention? Lorelai says that Rory's stoic about the whole thing: "She's a lot like Dad." Emily agrees that she is. She asks Lorelai if she has any men sniffing around. "Just on trash day," Lorelai says. She fails to mention Digger, even as a potential wooer. Lorelai drinks her new Bloody Mary and loves it. If I were Lorelai, I'd be on the floor by now. Paris must have heard me, as she walks by at this moment, looking stressed out. She asks for Rory. She makes a little small talk with Emily, who remembers her from Rory's sixteenth birthday party. (Emily wasn't at the C-Span incident, but she would have seen her again at graduation.)
Paris hands Rory a digital camera and asks her to take two pictures of her -- one as if Yale won the game and one as if Yale lost. Paris is bored out of her mind and doesn't want to be there anymore. Not even on Richard's lap? Rory takes the two pictures. Richard asks Paris if she'd like to stay. She doesn't want to, but thanks him again for the introduction to Michael York. She hasn't gotten the interview yet, but she's "working on him."
"She's an odd little duck, that one," Emily says to Lorelai. I realize she's talking about Paris. Richard asks why he doesn't have one of those Bloody Marys. Emily stands to pour him one. An uptight blonde named Pennilyn walks up and says hello. Emily's immediately on edge. Drunk Lorelai makes an ass out of herself playing Basil Exposition for us, and tells us that Pennilyn Lott was Richard's "sweetheart" before Emily, and then she calls Pennilyn her "my almost-mommy." Lorelai says she's so happy finally to meet Pennilyn, and then asks if Pennilyn would have let Lorelai get a pony. See, Lorelai has had many almost-husbands and gone through several relationships, letting Rory have many almost-dads, so she doesn't see why Emily and Richard are mortified at Lorelai's remarks. Pennilyn leaves. Emily asks Lorelai if anything works above her neck. She says they don't talk to Pennilyn Lott. They run into her once a year and make pleasant small talk and that's it. They do not have conversations or talk about their lives. They do not joke with her, or refer to her as anything other than "Pennilyn Lott." Lorelai ends the scene again with yet another reference to the "Fun Flask."
Luke finds a line around the block not to Al's Pancake World (which I guess went under at the end of the third season), but to the bakery. Miss Patty is there, as are Gypsy, Kirk, and the Reverend Skinner. Luke tells Kirk that the pepper jack cheese Kirk wanted is now in. Kirk admits that he's probably not coming by today. Luke says he doesn't want to be left with three pounds of cheese on his hands, and asks why everyone is lined up there. Miss Patty says it seemed like a nice day for pie. The Reverend tells Luke that they're all there for lunch. Kirk says they're not going to eat at the diner anymore. "We hate the kid," Miss Patty says. "Brennan?" Luke asks. Kirk: "Brennan, Satan -- whatever." Luke says they're all overreacting. Gypsy says that Brennan's really weird, and that sometimes he just stares at you and laughs. Luke preaches to all of them that Brennan's just a kid who needs a chance, and that not long ago Luke was a kid whom not everybody in Stars Hollow liked, but that he was given a chance and turned into this guy everyone loves. Luke tells all of them that they're no longer allowed in his diner. From now on, every day is a nice day for pie. Luke turns to see Brennan performing an air-guitar rendition of "Nookie" while standing on Luke's tables. Luke turns back to the group and asks them to give him ten minutes. Kirk shakes an appreciative fist in the air.
Back at the Yale Steak House, the Gilmores are talking about how much they are enjoying their slabs of meat. Lorelai stabs hers with a fork and shows the branded "Y" on the underside of the beef. Emily demands that Lorelai hand over the Fun Flask. Everybody runs off to see the real-life non-stuffed Dan, who has made an appearance. Emily grabs Dan's Y-shaped bone and brings it to him.
Marty calls Rory over. She asks if he saw Dan. Marty says that you'll see Dan everywhere that day in one form or another. Is that a joke? Rory introduces Lorelai to Marty. Lorelai immediately calls him "Naked Guy." Then Richard and Emily walk over and discuss his moniker. Richard admits that he spent an entire month at Yale naked (Lorelai: "Welcome to tonight's episode of Things I Never Needed To Learn About My Father!") when he protested the dress code with a group of friends, so one night shouldn't be enough to earn Marty the name. Marty says he was only stopping by to invite Rory over to a nearby party. Richard and Emily tell Rory to go and have fun with people her own age. Emily hands Marty some Tupperware, and he takes off with Rory. "I like that boy," Richard says. Lorelai tells him to prove it by dropping his pants. Emily says it's time to go to the ladies' room. Since it's an hour before kick-off, the lines won't be so long. Lorelai makes a face.
Post-pee, Lorelai leans in the bathroom door and says she'll meet Emily outside. Lorelai walks past the line and over to the coffee kiosk, where she orders a coffee. No size necessary. And doesn't her tailgate restaurant have coffee in an urn? I mean, I know it does -- I saw it. Lorelai makes a face at a woman who walks into the bathroom with a small boy. Pennilyn walks over and stands in line. Lorelai walks over to her and begins chatting. Lorelai scoffs that the woman in front of her took her "forty-year-old son" into the bathroom. Why isn't that woman standing in line? Also: fuck you, Lorelai. What is this woman supposed to do? Pennilyn agrees that some people have no dignity/ standards/ blah blah blah snobbycakes. Is this woman supposed to send her son into a bathroom by himself, where other grown men are standing around holding their penises? Is this kid going to see women washing their hands and get corrupted? Women only do things in the privacy of stalls in the ladies' room. Amazing. I'm this angered by thirty seconds of dialogue. That's what happens when you're paid to know every second of all almost-eighty episodes of this show. Emily sees Pennilyn and Lorelai, and hangs by the door long enough to hear Pennilyn tell Lorelai that she heard about Lorelai's efforts to start her inn. Emily walks up and remarks that they're running into Pennilyn all over the place. After a quick round of small talk, Emily informs Pennilyn that the line is moving. Pennilyn leaves. Lorelai asks Emily if she saw the woman with the forty-year-old kid.
Richard asks Emily if a Bloody Mary needs two shakes of Tabasco or four. Emily takes the Tabasco away to make it herself. Richard flirts with Emily, saying he likes standing so dangerously close to his wife. He's interrupted by the Whiffenpoofs, Yale's a capella group. Now, I know they're supposed to be hot studs who get all the Yale action, so I'm going to assume that this group of singers is a poor representation of the caliber of gentlemen normally singing about dear old Swanee or Savannah or whatever it is those guys like to sing. I'm not even really allowed to make all the Whiffenpoof jokes a girl from the University of Texas would normally make, because Djb's brother was one of them.
Meanwhile, Emily lays into her maid for not having enough celery, for putting Rory's Newtons on a plate and not on a doily, and for not doing what she's been paid to do correctly the first time. Lorelai offers to get the celery, but Emily says that Lorelai wasn't hired to get the celery. Lorelai asks if there's something wrong. Emily says there isn't. Richard brings along all the Poofs to sample Emily's famous Bloody Marys. Emily complains that there isn't enough celery. Richard laughs and says that the boys will be fine without celery. "How does Pennilyn Lott know that Lorelai is opening an inn?" she asks Richard, who tries to play dumb for a second, but is clearly caught. Emily says that they only talk to Pennilyn Lott once a year, here at the game. Lorelai hasn't spoken to Pennilyn, and Emily certainly hasn't, so how has Pennilyn Lott learned about this information on their daughter? "I told her," Richard admits. Lorelai tells the 'Poofs to make like their name, and they run away. Richard admits that he's had lunch with Pennilyn Lott once a year every year since he and Emily got married. Emily cannot believe that Richard has been lying to her for thirty-nine years. Poor Emily. She feels humiliated. She tells Richard to go for a walk. He leaves. Lorelai runs up and says that it was wrong, but that Richard didn't want to upset Emily. Emily says he shouldn't have lied to her for almost forty years. Frustrated, she turns on Lorelai, and says that if Lorelai hadn't insisted on talking to Pennilyn after Emily had told her not to, then none of this would have happened and everything would be fine. Lorelai can't believe she's getting blamed for this, and asks Emily if everything would truly be fine if Richard was having secret lunches with Pennilyn Lott for the forty years without Emily's ever finding out. Emily only knows that everything would have been fine if Lorelai hadn't talked to Pennilyn Lott today. It is this scene that saves this episode -- that, in fact, makes this episode. I love these actors. Emily tells Lorelai that she wasn't even supposed to come today -- that it was supposed to be Richard and Rory and that's it. "Okay!" Lorelai shouts, and leaves.
Lorelai gives Digger a call, and says she's ready to make that date. She doesn't cancel, even when Digger tells her to wear something "completely evil."
China Fancy Pants. Lorelai says that the place is amazing. Digger says the coat-check girls are clearly Hong Kong prostitutes flown in. Lorelai spots Ted Koppel. She says they must make best friends with him tonight so that they can go to fancy newscaster parties. "Oh, that sounds fabulous," Digger deadpans. Lorelai and Digger are whisked through the crowded restaurant to the VIP room. This doesn't make Lorelai happy. With the door shut and the noise muffled, Lorelai is pouty. Digger thinks it's nice, but Lorelai thinks the private room is too quiet. The waiter comes back into the room, and Lorelai tries to peek at the raucous party going on outside. Lorelai asks if this is where they're going to eat. Digger says that he requested this VIP room. It's the most coveted room in the place. Lorelai says that everything's going on outside of the room. "So?" Digger asks. Lorelai says it's fun to be out there where everything's happening. Digger doesn't like all the people and the noise, because you can't have a conversation in all that racket. Lorelai says that's why you go out to a place like that: to be a part of the scene. Digger says that the point of being here is to enjoy the food and the atmosphere. Lorelai says that the atmosphere is out there. There's a pretty shot of the table as Digger realizes that Lorelai doesn't like the room. Lorelai calls it "weird," the two of them all alone like they're quarantined. Lorelai asks if they can move out there. Digger says they can't, and that this place is way too booked for them to be moved. Lorelai says that they could eat at the bar. Digger doesn't like eating at the bar, because his feet dangle on the stools. I hear ya, Digger. He thinks they should just go, because they're uncomfortable. "Let's go," he says. "Ted would." And Lorelai, who always gets her way, doesn't thank him for getting her a table at the hottest place in town, and doesn't thank him for being so persistent and trying to impress her and make her happy, and doesn't apologize for embarrassing him and making him feel like a loser. Instead, she gets up, and they leave without so much as a tip for reserving the VIP room on short notice.
Lorelai isn't done yet, because now they're in the car debating what's going to happen. It is decided that Lorelai is just going to go home and that there's no need for a date now. Lorelai says she's not hungry anyway, since she ate all day at the Yale game. Finally, both Lorelai and Digger admit that they are starving. Lorelai tells Digger to take the exit.
Digger and Lorelai pull up at a fast-food taco place. Lorelai orders half the menu, and then Digger says he's not going to eat anything. He doesn't really like Mexican food, or fast food, or anything you order from a speaker. Lorelai then decides that she's not going to eat either. Digger: "What is this, junior high?" And it's on that line that he wins me over. Lorelai doesn't like being watched while she eats. It's no fun. "Does everything have to be fun for you?" Digger asks. Like him even more now. Pouting. Pouting. Whining. Lorelai's boob is kind of hanging out of her dress. They drive away, another restaurant losing money off their whims.
Grocery store. Lorelai and Digger each grab a basket. Lorelai says they'll just find some prepared food, and then they'll each get something they like. Digger grabs a package of razors. Lorelai takes it out of his basket and says they're on a date, and that they're there for food, not running errands. Lorelai, look at his face. The man needs some razors. Let him have the razors. He looks like moss is growing on his cheek. Lorelai remembers that she's out of toothpaste. They agree to do a little light shopping, and take off in separate directions.
Lorelai grabs a container of paper cups as Digger asks from another aisle whether she needs peas, because the cans are two-for-one. Lorelai doesn't need any, but he grabs her some peas anyway. He joins her in her aisle, saying that you shouldn't shop hungry. ["You must shop hungry! Otherwise you end up coming home with, like, toilet paper and and salt." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai can't believe Digger won't eat fast food but will eat Sno-Balls. Digger says he's never had them before, but found them intriguing, since someone decided to dye the coconut pink, and then shaped the things like breasts. Lorelai can't find her mini-Pringles. She can't take the large package, because she uses them for when she's driving, and the big can won't fit in her purse. Digger asks a stock boy, and then grabs Lorelai to run off with him.
Digger pulls Lorelai into the stock room and tells her to find her mini-Pringles. Digger brags that talking people into doing things they don't want to do happens to be his specialty. Lorelai clocks in one of the poor workers, who will now be fired. Digger finds a shrinkwrapped crate of her chips and hands Lorelai a knife, telling her to cut open the box and grab some. She does, hacking away until the box bleeds packages of chips. Digger finds a giant container of Cap'n Crunch. Digger goes on about the wonders of the Cap'n, but he mistakenly calls him "Captain," so I refuse to recap it, because he clearly doesn't know what he's talking about. And Lorelai should have corrected him. Digger cuts open the case until the boxes pour to the ground. Lorelai screams with glee. A dine-and-dash, a public fight, messing with a perfect stranger's career, and vandalism? Add that to the fact that Emily hates him and we don't trust him, and this boy knows the way to Lorelai's heart big-time.
Outside the store, Lorelai and Digger eat their feast on a picnic table. Digger says that they put together a nice spread. He wishes they were still selling alcohol. Lorelai remembers that she swiped Richard's Fun Flask. She pulls it out and pours them each a paper cup full. I appreciate the Glade candle burning between them. Digger asks Lorelai what made her change her mind. Lorelai pretty much admits that it was because she had a fight with her mom. That makes a guy feel wanted, huh? Digger says that whatever Emily did that day, he hopes she'll do it again tomorrow night.
Digger leaves to pick up some giant egg rolls as Lorelai's cell phone rings. It's Rory, asking how the date went. Lorelai says it's still going on. "Really? How dirty," Rory coos. Lorelai says that they're at the West Hills Market drinking booze from paper cups. Rory: "Really? How pathetic." Lorelai says that Digger made sure she got her potato chips. Rory: "Really? How confusing." Lorelai asks how the grandparents are doing. Rory says they aren't speaking. Rory read during the game. Rory is at a fancy-looking coffee kiosk, and says that Lorelai owes her gory details. "Just remember you're sleeping with every single person he's ever slept with," Rory adds. You kiss your mother with that mouth? As Rory hangs up and heads to wherever, she stops when she sees something ahead. At first glance, it appears Richard is kissing Pennilyn. But then we get a closer look. Paris and Michael York! Paris and Michael York! My eyes! My eyes! Dude. Paris just jammed her tongue into his mouth. I'm too strangely titillated to make the proper Logan's Run joke. But the joke's on us. This is the last image we get to see until the new episode airs...in 2004. See ya year, everybody. Happy holidays. I'm hoping for a new, pretty television for Christmas.