Poor Rory never gets a weekend to herself. Driving home this Friday afternoon, she finds Lorelai in the front yard, gardening. Hey! Come on, Rory. Back dat ass up. Man, it's wrong that I think Rory's body just gets hotter. I know it is. I can't help it. I'm a monster! It seems Babette gave Lorelai a few bulbs to tend to, to help with her lonely, daughter-less existence. Lorelai, being Lorelai, tossed the bulbs in the crisper and promptly forgot about them. But now Babette's asking about them, so Lorelai has set about the task of planting moldy bulbs. Rory's just like me -- her new short hair is already back in the handy ponytail. Rory tells Lorelai that even though she's not a botanist, she's pretty sure that nothing will grow from the lump of mold. Before Lorelai can tell Rory why she didn't just throw the bulbs away, Babette leans out her front door and asks Lorelai if the gardening is making her feel better. Babette tells Rory that she's looking out for her mother. "And just you wait until spring," she says to Lorelai. "You're gonna walk out one morning, walk out and POW! Color coming out of your yin-yang!" Babette goes back into her house. Lorelai brags to Rory that she's going to have color coming out of her yin-yang. Rory scores the best line of the episode here: "Well, then maybe you'll finally get a man." Ha! Bonus points for Lorelai's perfect facial response.
Rory declares the moldy bulbs the grossest things ever. Lorelai tosses it away, telling her to forget about them. She asks about school. Rory says it's hard, but good. (Dirty!) Rory tells Lorelai that Paris and Janet are fighting because Janet gets up at 5:30 to go jogging and her alarm wakes Paris. I can't believe that Paris isn't halfway through her latest craft by 5:30. Rory interrupts her story by picking up a bulb and getting so grossed out by it that she tosses it at Lorelai. Lorelai shrieks and shouts, "You bulbed me! You bulbed me!" Rory squeals that she was trying to throw it somewhere else. Lorelai is frantic that the bulb touched her hand, and Rory tells her to shake it off. Lorelai instead wipes it on Rory's arm, which causes Rory to squeal and complain that Lorelai ruined her nice shirt. It is a nice shirt, and I covet it. Lorelai apologizes and claims it was a reflex, but Rory accuses Lorelai of never liking the shirt. Then Rory jumps up screeching, claiming there's something crawling up her leg. She gets up and does a one-legged dance as Lorelai tries to help. Lorelai hits it off, and in an awkward moment of direction both screechy women just flop onto their backs, exhausted from ridding their bodies of both moldy bulbs and unseen insects. After some giggling, Rory uses much alliteration to make Lorelai promise to decline any future bulb bags from Babette. Fade to opening credits.
Rory is trying to sleep in her dorm room (so I guess it's the week? I'm not going to worry about it). But outside her door, Paris and Janet are arguing about whether or not the common room smells like a locker room. Then the Foley artist gets out of control on the "door opening/door slamming" sound effect for when Paris storms back into the room. Seriously, it's like I'm playing Doom. Rory asks if her alarm went off. Paris says she shut it off, since "Workout Barbie" is all the alarm they need. I miss the couple of lines, because the bottom of the screen reads "and Traci Elizabeth Lords." I suppose some of you might be too young to know who that woman is, and why it's funny that she now has three names, and even funnier that she wasn't even hyped as a guest star of the show. If you don't know who she is, you may not get it when I proceed to make seventy-five blowjob jokes in this recap. Just rent Cry-Baby. For those of you who have just discovered Johnny Depp, you'll thank me later. Anyway, Miss Lords used to usually be the special guest of a different kind of girly show. Paris gives a good rendition of one of those Traci Lords films, when she complains about the sounds Janet makes in the morning: "Come on, Janet. Push it, Janet. Love the pain, Janet." Rory freaks out when she sees what time it is, as breakfast will be over in five minutes. As if this girl doesn't have a drawer of Pop Tarts. Paris says that it's even worse because it's Tuesday (Oh. Really?), and that's "Waffle Bar Day." Rory asks why Paris didn't wake her. Paris screams that she's the victim here, and she can't be blamed for anything. Track seven: Really Loud Door Opening/Slamming is played again.
The strummy-strummy is in overdrive as Rory winds her way through the very fancy cafeteria. She's wearing a robe over her pajamas. How many robes does this girl get? Ah, now this is a moment I can relate to. I was always getting in right before mealtime expired, and the kitchen was always an empty wasteland. No cereal. No bagels. No fruit. Just wheat toast and milk. But I never did what Rory just did -- take uneaten food off of a tray that's about to be thrown away. Man, girl. Get a muffin at a kiosk, baby. Rory calms down when she's got the last waffle in her Styrofoam (Rory hates the earth) container, but once again is upset to find out that the coffee urn is dry. Enter Marty, who appears to have been held just off-screen by the elbows and then released as Rory turns around. He's panting for some reason. It's exactly how CuteDean used to run up to Rory and say her name to her face. I miss CuteDean. I wonder where he went on his honeymoon. Marty is surprised that Rory remembers him, but Rory says she wasn't the one passed out in the hallway, so she had a better chance at remembering. Hey, Marty. Why don't you return Rory's clothes? Marty asks if Rory would like some eggs, as he always takes enough food for ten (thanks, Marty, for starving us late sleepers with your greedy ways), because he grew up with a brother who always took the biggest piece of chicken. Rory incorrectly assumes that Marty then had no chicken at all, but the fact is Marty just always wanted the biggest piece as well. Then before Rory can duck out, Marty wants to introduce her to "The Breakfast Crew." Rory tries to say no, but Marty drags her by the arm, explaining that they're a group who decided to start eating breakfast together, and then they sort of decided they needed a name, but for some reason they don't call themselves The Breakfast Club. Marty says the club isn't official yet, since they don't have hats, not until they can decide on a color.
Rory has been pulled to the Geek Table, a very dangerous place to get sucked into for meals. Okay, I don't really know if they're geeks. One of them is really cute. But then again, I'm a geekophile. Anyway, the boys already know who Rory is, because of the robe. They compliment both the robe and the nice thing that Rory did giving it to him. The cute geek, who looks really familiar, wears a t-shirt that my sister had when we were in high school ten years ago, a fractal design. Y'all, I know what fractals are, and I know that boy's wearing them. That means I've overgeeked right here in front of you. If I didn't have a cool boyfriend, I'd be laying claim to that fictional fractal geek right here and now. But as it stands, my non-geek boyfriend, who doesn't understand any geekiness I adore past Weezer, might disapprove. Wait. He never reads these recaps. Y'all back off my new imaginary geek boyfriend. I'll name him Smitty. My new boyfriend jokes that they all took turns trying on Rory's robe, and the other geeks chortle appropriately. Marty says that it's not true, and apologizes for not giving Rory back her robe yet. One of the geeks, not my Smitty, then leans over and guffaws about Rory's bunny slippers. Social skillz, these boys are lacking. Rory says it was nice meeting them, and excuses herself. Marty follows her, saying, "I embarrassed you," like one of those characters who's from the past or the future who is just now understanding how the world works, who came from a simpler society. The geeks keep staring at Rory as she walks away. Marty explains that he has been too nervous to approach Rory since that night, since he embarrassed himself, but now that he sees Rory in her pajamas, she's much more approachable. Now that she's embarrassed herself publicly, they're on a level playing field. Run away, Rory. This Marty kid is going to continually say things that kind of piss you off and insult you, thinly veiled as compliments, forever. Just leave now while you still feel good about your hair, your nails, and your studying habits. Marty leaves (thanks for the EGGS!), and Rory carries her dry, sad waffle back to her room.
Lorelai is blatantly disregarding Luke's cell phone policy in the diner, as she's chatting with a designer. Luke points outside, and as Lorelai wraps up her call she slowly inches toward the door (they're going to meet Friday afternoon), Luke practically pushing her, until Lorelai is in the doorway, hanging up. The best part of this scene is the guy holding the cheeseburger sitting at the table to the door. He keeps gesturing with the cheeseburger, not really saying any lines, just smiling to the other extra, using the cheeseburger as some kind of prop. In fact, because he's still sitting there holding the cheeseburger, he decides to pick up his coke and take a sip rather than risk the burger continuity. The burger extra cares way more about continuity than anyone else on this show ever has. Mad props to Burger Extra Boy. Luke asks Lorelai why she can't respect the rules of his diner. Lorelai says she does; it's the baseball cap he wears that she has issues with. Michel enters and sits down, opting not to mock the turtleneck for some reason. And while I'm nitpicking, Lorelai's maroon turtleneck sleeveless top is the worst thing they've ever put on her. She's got nice arms, but the turtleneck makes it seem like her head is floating above this mass of torso. It completely hides her nice rack and makes her seem hunchy and heavy, when we know that Lorelai's a total babe. Boo on sleeveless turtleneck knit tops. Boo on them, I say.
Michel's done extensive research on designers, and presents Lorelai with a list of names. Lorelai skips a thank you and instead says she hopefully won't need them, as she thinks she just found the designer she wants. Michel says, "Well, good. I love doing research just for the sake of doing research. I live to grow." I love Michel. Burger Extra Boy update: he's seated just behind Michel, and has yet to take a bite out of that burger he's gesticulating with. Michel asks if Lorelai is still buying him lunch. Lorelai says she is, but she should probably take him somewhere else. Luke interrupts here to ask why. Lorelai says that Michel has very strict dietary needs. Michel says normally that's true, but every six months he gives himself a crazy day where he can eat anything he wants, and today's Crazy Day. He asks Luke about his chocolate cake. "Is it Mexican?" Luke: "Is what Mexican?" Michel: "The chocolate." Luke: "How would I know?" Michel: "It would say so on the wrapper. You could go look." Luke doesn't. (Burger Extra Boy just borrowed mustard for his bun!) Luke tells Lorelai to take Michel somewhere else. As Luke leaves, Michel asks him to bring back a donut, with sprinkles. Lorelai answers her cell phone. It's Emily, asking Lorelai if she knows about one of life's greatest mysteries -- if Lorelai will be coming for dinner each Friday night. As Emily nags Lorelai about not knowing the four letters R. S. V. and P, Lorelai desperately tries to get Luke's attention. Here you can see that Luke's got a wet, greasy spot on his back from the earlier attempts at this scene. Lorelai makes a noise, and Emily asks if that noise means that she's coming to dinner or that she's reading while Emily's talking. Lorelai grabs a napkin and bunches it, staring at Luke's back, while she tells Emily to just plan on Lorelai coming, and if she doesn't, then there will just be more food for everybody else. Oh, doesn't that solve everything? Lorelai tosses the napkin at Luke, but it just flitters off to the side. Luke's deep in a discussion with Caesar. The real Caesar, not that Spanish kid they had for one day. Lorelai picks up a butter knife and briefly debates tossing it at Luke. Heh. Emily says there's careful planning and preparation that goes into every meal. Not that Emily does any of it. Lorelai picks up some kind of muffin or sandwich and hurls it at Luke's back. Luke turns around to yell at Lorelai, who shoots him that winning smile to brag that she's on her cell phone in the diner. "Get off that phone!" Luke yells, pointing his finger. Lorelai tells Emily that she can't talk on the phone in the diner and has to go. She hangs up rudely, and then complains that Luke took too long when she needed him. Luke does a bit of a double take.
There's a girl in Rory's class mumbling on about some Hemingway and I totally don't care and neither do you or anybody else. Rory tries to counter with her own thoughts, but she's unused to someone disagreeing with her, or insinuating that she's not both correct and always right, so Rory's a little confused. The boy sitting to Rory sticks up for her thoughts, of course. The poor girl (named Heather) then has to interject the awkwardly delivered, "But...?" before she's cut off by the instructor to dismiss the class. Heather has some serious problems with her bangs. They'll continue this discussion Thursday, for those of you trying to follow along in your continuity planners. Rory thanks the guy (who's dressed more preppy than anything in The Preppy Handbook illustrates) for sticking up for her (she calls it "saving," but Rory doesn't need to be saved, right?!). They make fun of Heather a little. Rory says she's never heard someone like the word "bourgeois" so much. Amazing that Rory doesn't follow that with the joke, "Other than Madonna."
Out in the hallway, Preppy asks Rory what she's up to this weekend. He carries a tiny water bottle and not much else. Rory says she hopes to get a little sleeping done in between her studying. He asks if she eats. "Habitually," she answers. Preppy says he's thinking of going to a restaurant named Pancia de Lucca this weekend. "Oh, cool," Rory interrupts. "Tell me how it is." Dis. Preppy says that she could come with him. Rory says she can't this Saturday (or any other time that she's not in classes -- as that's when she's in Stars Hollow), but if he doesn't mind she'd like to some other time. He says he'll see her week. "Bye, Trevor," she says. week? Does this class only meet once a week? Then it's Thursday?
Lorelai's still wearing that turtleneck, so if it's Thursday...I don't know. Rory walks in, laundry basket in hand. Huh. Lorelai asks what she's doing home. Rory says she just learned that if you leave your laundry in the machine for more than two minutes after it stops, someone will dump the clothes on the floor. "My Belle and Sebastian t-shirt was in the garbage," Rory scoffs. Ror, those Yalies just keep teaching you one important lesson after another. Rory complains that on top of all her reading and studying, she now has to rewash all of her clean clothes. And if that's all of Rory's clean clothes, half of a basket's worth, then Rory's got a strange complex about her clothes. When I did my laundry (about once a month), it took a few garbage bags to carry everything. Lorelai says that Rory should quit school in protest. Rory says she will. She leans down to grab a slice of pizza, but Lorelai interrupts her, saying that's not theirs. Enter Lane for a cameo, overshadowed by that opening/closing dungeon door sound effect. She runs in, saying she has five minutes for the pizza. Rory and Lane exchange a hello as Lane takes the plastic piece of prop pizza out of Rory's hand and holds it to her mouth. Lane complains that MamaLane ordered all of the okra in the western hemisphere. Lorelai mugs a huge face of sympathetic understanding. Rory tells Lane to slow down. Lane takes a breath and complains again about college and strict parents and things that we haven't explored yet this season. Rory offers Lane a Coke, but Lane says she doesn't have any time for liquids. She asks for another piece of pizza. Lane says this is good and that the girls look good. She asks Rory if things are good. Rory doesn't get to make the first letter in "good" before Lane's watch beeps and she runs out of the house. I do believe they're just teasing us with Lane. "She is so throwing up on the way home," Lorelai notes.
Rory goes to throw her clothes in the washer, but Lorelai pulls on her arm and whines and begs Rory to eat pizza and talk about her day. Rory drops the basket and starts talking. Rory says that yesterday Janet woke up to find that Paris had chaired her in her room. Okay, so this is Thursday, because Tuesday was Waffle Bar Day and the class meets on Thursdays. But it's strange that on a Thursday Lorelai would make plans for a Friday...dammit! Why do I always get hung up on this stuff? I'll tell you why. Because when I write a script or when I write a novel, people ask, "What day is it? I'm confused because you said this was going to happen on this day, or that this always happens on Wednesdays, but it can't be Wednesday because of this thing happening, right?" That means that people pay attention to time and place because it helps ground us in the storyline. It helps with dramatic build, with tension and conflict. If you don't obey the rules of the world, then it's hard to sympathize with your characters. Yes, I'm turning my recap into a writing seminar. I'm putting it in place of where rising dramatic action or conflict should have been in this conflict-less episode.
Anyway, Janet glued Paris's glue gun shut. Rory says that "this war" is getting out of hand. I guess it's a war, but whatever. Whoa. Okay, confusing. Rory says that this morning Paris turned off her alarm and made her almost miss breakfast. But we already know that happened on Tuesday, and if it's Tuesday, then Rory's class would be a Tuesday-Thursday class, which makes sense, but Trevor said he'd see her week and asked what she was doing this weekend, so unless Trevor's planning on skipping this Thursday, or...dammit! Rory retells the story of running into Marty, but Lorelai prefers to call him "Naked Guy." Lorelai asks if Naked Guy is hot. Rory has to answer this question while walking, and says that he's just Marty, and it's not like that with him. "He's sweet." Lorelai gets it: "Ah. 'Sweet' means bad butt." Rory protests. But "sweet" can also mean "extremely unfunny" or "wears shirts unironically" or "crazy nose hair." Rory hands Lorelai a plate, and says that she's just met Marty, so there's no reason to obsess over him.
Rory grabs bottles of water as Lorelai asks if there are any other guys on the horizon. Rory says there aren't. Lorelai hopes that Rory dates a nice older professor. Yikes, ew and wha? As they walk back to the living room, Rory confesses that Trevor did ask her out for this weekend. She tells Lorelai that she told Trevor that she was busy, not because she doesn't like him ("he's smart and he takes my side in the debates and he's decent to look at" -- well, why don't you just marry him, then?), but he carries a water bottle and Rory thinks that's weird. "Right, hydration," Lorelai says. "Very creepy." Rory complains about him being preppy. And she somehow knows he's studying at Barcelona year. "So it's a waste of time; it's not going anywhere." Lorelai says it could go to dinner or a movie. Lorelai says that Rory's never really dated. Rory scoffs at the notion, saying she's dated. Lorelai points out that Rory's only had two relationships -- Dean and Jess. I'd like to mention Ryan Phillliipppe here as well, as I think that he counts. And Jess wasn't a relationship; it was a spin-off device. Rory turns the tables and says that Lorelai's never really dated either. I do believe that we've watched Lorelai make mistake after mistake this season while we waited around for something to happen with Luke or Max or whomever. There was the guy from her business school, and Rune, and Alex. Rory says that Lorelai didn't date anyone for seventeen years after having a baby (which makes me profoundly sad, and I don't buy it for a second). Rory says that Lorelai had a second relationship with Christopher, which isn't really true, unless it doesn't bother Rory that Christopher was having two relationships at once. Lorelai says that even if she's not the world's best dater, Rory owes it to herself to give it a shot. She says that there's nothing else to do in college other than date. Rory excuses herself to wash her clothes. "Was that it?" Lorelai asks the empty room. "Is this conversation over? Sorry, did I win?" All questions I'm wondering as well as we fade to commercial.
Luke's. Lorelai's sitting with the designer, so it's Friday now. She's pulled together four tables to chat with Traci Elizabeth Lords, who starts the scene with her mouth open, and then proceeds to over-enunciate her way right out of your heart. But man, she had to have known that they were starting her out with a joke. She hands Lorelai a book about castles of Ireland and says, "There's a room in here that I've always wanted to do." Hee! Luke walks over and asks what they're doing. He's just now noticed them? Luke's only has about ten tables. Lorelai brags that she's looking at Anaglypta wallpaper. Lorelai introduces Traci Elizabeth Lords as Natalie Zimmerman. It's not really a shout-out that she shares my sister's name, right? Great. Lorelai tells Luke that she's so excited that the inn is going to have horses. "The property already has stables," Traci Lords informs us, "so why not?" Because it's a hotel? Lorelai blabbers on about how much she loves horses and has always wanted them since she was a little girl. She says she finally has an excuse to buy a pony. Traci Lords flashes a scary smile. Luke calls Lorelai "National Velvet" and tells her she's got to get out of there, because people can't sit at the table. "This is business!" Lorelai scolds. Luke informs her that she's actually seated inside his business, and his business would like its seats back. Lorelai waves him away and apologizes to Traci Lords, saying that Luke is trying to steal the "World's Grumpiest Diner Guy" title away from Mel. There's some unimportant chatter here about Anaglypta wallpaper. Traci Lords says that Emily has some in her upstairs guest bathroom. Sound of needle scratching record. Lorelai turns into some kind of fairy tale wicked witch, wanting to know who should utter that woman's name in her presence. As much as she knew that Traci Lords had done a lot of people, she really hates the fact that Traci Lords has already done her mom. Traci Lords smiles and says it's a small world. Lorelai says the world is about as small as the box they threw McCain in. I said she was a wicked witch; the jokes, they simply agree with me. But the best is the look that Traci Lords gives Lorelai after the joke, pausing for a really long time because she's sure it's a joke but she doesn't get it, so she's not sure what kind of face to register, so she opts for a frozen half-grin that looks mostly terrified, but you can see in her eyes she's counting to three.
Okay, so they're in the Hemingway class again, and we know that it's Friday, so whatever. WHATEVER! Rory is giving Trevor the eye. The teacher wraps up class, saying which Hemingway they'll tackle week. Or maybe tomorrow. Or perhaps even yesterday, with these Slaughterhouse Five rules of time and space. Rory begins chatting up Trevor, going on about how great it is that they get to sit and talk about books and get graded on it. Rory says she loves talking about good books, bad books, and really thick magazines. Trevor puts his bag over his shoulder and gives Rory a polite brush-off.
Rory follows him out in the hall and says she also likes to eat. She says when she talks about a book she gets really hungry. Like how right now she's starving, and will probably be for quite some time, including Saturday night. Slow Trevor's all, "Are you saying you want to go to dinner Saturday night?" Rory mocks shock, and says it's really sudden, but yeah, she'd love to go to dinner on Saturday night. Rory's hair in this scene: un-good. Parted strangely and pasted to the side of her head in such a manner that she looks like the Gerber baby. Trevor says he'll pick Rory up at 7:30. As Rory walks away, she tells Trevor he's really persistent. Trevor raises an eyebrow.
Sookie's naming her kid Davey. No, there's nothing we can do about that. Lorelai has worn the outfit voted number one by MILFashion.com -- boots, mini-kilt, red and black argyle sweater vest, barely buttoned white button-down, and cat-eye glasses. Y'all, be happy that it's a boy, because if Sookie and Jackson had a girl, they were going to name her Colgate. What's the nickname for a Colgate? Coley? Gate? Colgay? Colg? And also: naming someone a nickname is always bad news. People are gonna call Davey David all the damn time. Oh, man. Right here as I was turning into an old curmudgeon, at the same time some damn kid came driving past my house, blasting his music, and I actually looked up with a sneer because I was in the middle of typing. But it's even funnier because I'm going to a wedding this afternoon, so I'm currently wearing my hair in rollers. And I'm in pajamas. So: hair in curlers, ratty pj's, lukewarm cup of coffee by my side as I complain about loud music and names for babies. I am the very woman I never wanted to be. Sookie says that Colgate is a family name, and that Jackson's great-grandmother was named Colgate. "And what's worse, she looked like a Colgate," Sookie winces. Hee. Sookie reminds us that Jackson doesn't know it's going to be a boy yet. Sookie realized that if she didn't put up a fight about Colgate, then Jackson would realize they were having a boy, and that would spoil it, so Sookie pitched a fit about Colgate, and they got into a huge fight and now they aren't speaking, so everything is wonderful. Sookie's fake belly then gets smashed by Governor Un-Elect Gallagher's Sledge-O-Matic for impersonating a watermelon. Sookie says she's picked out the stove for her kitchen -- an Avery -- and worries that it's too expensive. But Lorelai's got a credit card, so nothing's too expensive. Sookie says she'll call Traci Lords as soon as she gets home. Lorelai makes a grunt on her name, and Sookie wonders that the stove is too expensive. Lorelai says that it's fine, but that since Traci Lords knows Emily, and they've bonded, she's not sure if she can work with her. Sookie tries to say that Lorelai can't cancel on Traci Lords, that she's being irrational, but Lorelai is taller, and taller women always get to be more irrational. "Sookie, my whole life, my whole existence, my essence, my being, my ability to be this sparking creature standing here before you, all of this depends on the complete and total separation of my life from my mother's life. That's how it works." Thank you, LorelaI MeMore. Sookie reminds Lorelai of all the other designers they met before and didn't like, including one who wanted to put a tiny mannequin in each room so the lonely people had someone to talk to. There was also someone who apparently said "purple, purple, purple" a lot. Sookie says they then met Traci Lords and she was perfect. She begs Lorelai to give Traci Lords a chance. Lorelai grumpily agrees to try. They chit-chat about talking later, explain where they're going and zzzzzz.
Luke's. Lorelai enters and asks what's going on. Luke pulls out a pile of messages that he's taken for Lorelai while she was gone. Insanely rude, I know. But that's our Lorelai. Luke screams that he's not taking messages for Lorelai anymore. Lorelai begins quietly apologizing. Luke asks if she has business cards printed up. Lorelai says that people know she's there a lot. It's called a cell phone, Lor. Use it. Luke says he missed a call from his meat guy because he was on the phone discussing a particular horse's deviated septum. Lorelai says she'll call all of those people today and tell them to never call her at Luke's ever again. Lorelai asks if a package arrived for her today. "Wha-- what?" Luke scoffs, and Lorelai quickly apologizes. Some guy named Ed leans in and politely tells Luke that he's "cutting it kinda close." Luke flips out on poor Ed, saying he had no idea how close Ed was cutting it today. He yells for everyone to drop everything, since Ed is cutting it kind of close. He tosses some tickets at Ed. "You seem mad," Ed says. Luke tells Ed to enjoy the game, and to choke on a hot dog while he's at it. Ed: "I have to tell you, Luke. I am never accepting anything free from you again." Hee. Luke follows Ed to the door, calling him a real master of fear. He screams out the door for Jason and Freddy to look out, now that ol' Ed is on the loose.
Luke slams the door, and Lorelai asks what is wrong with him. "Ed bugs me," Luke grumps. "Ed cries!" Lorelai says. Luke says he's having a bad day. Lorelai pluralizes his "day." She tells him that he's been grumpy for days now. Maybe because he's become your personal assistant over the past week? I'm skipping recapping the part where Lorelai calls Luke every famous dog in the book. Luke tells Lorelai that he had bought tickets to a baseball game to go with Nicole. His back is to us when they loop in the word "Yankees," depending on how the World Series was looking on the airdate. Anyway, Luke's pissed at himself for buying something in the future, which meant he invested in his relationship's future, which is something he never does and this is why. I guess...aside from marrying someone. That might be considered an investment in the future...but maybe John Stephens didn't get the memo that this season Luke was going through a Ross-and-Rachel-style divorce. Right here I'd like to add that I'm shocked that Lorelai doesn't whine about how she loves hot dogs, and they should have gone to the game together. Lorelai tells Luke that tomorrow night was usually Movie Night, a weekly movie-viewing that used to be one of the many "things" that she shared with Rory. Sometimes Lorelai's shirt is tucked under her sweater vest (probably a mic problem) and sometimes it isn't. Luke agrees to come to Movie Night. "Sure. What else have I got to do?" he says. Lorelai coos that she loves it when men say that to her. She says it's at eight, and she'll pick up a couple of movies for them. Luke says she can pretty much be sure that he's never seen anything she wants to pick up, so she can get whatever. He fixes her a cup of coffee to go as she complains that people always says that. Luke says with him, it's true. "Casablanca?" Lorelai asks. Luke's never seen it. Lorelai can't believe it. Luke also hasn't seen Chinatown, Bonnie and Clyde, It Happened One Night, His Girl Friday, Treasure of the Sierra Madre, or Diner. Around my house we call those films "shit my mom's always trying to get me to see." Consequently, I've seen some of Chinatown, the beginning of Bonnie and Clyde, maybe some of It Happened One Night, and the only reason I've seen Casablanca is because I kept falling asleep trying to watch it, so on the seventh try I turned on three fans pointed at me, grabbed a Jolt cola, a bag of popcorn, and some candy, sat on an uncomfortable surface, kept my shoes on, and started the film at noon. I forced myself to watch it. And man, Luke. I feel for ya. I'd be skipping Lorelai's movie night, too. Can't she just rent From Justin to Kelly like everybody else? ["I have to say, though, for any character on this particular show not to have seen Diner strikes me as odd, never mind the guy who actually owns one." -- Sars]
Luke thinks for a second and says he saw Mr. and Mrs. Bridge. Lorelai touches her face and makes a terrified noise. She says that they've got some serious work to do. Lorelai quickly asks Luke to bring her package with him if it arrives today. As if she won't see him tonight at dinner and tomorrow morning at breakfast. And lunch. During the commercial break, Stee turns to me and says, "Do you know who's in Mr. and Mrs. Bridge?" Obviously I don't. But for some reason, Stee does. I'm still a little nervous about how much it made him giggle that Luke saw that movie.
Friday night dinner at Emily's. Well, someone knew about Fridays at least. Lorelai is digging through her purse, to-go cup of coffee tucked under her chin, as she enters. The maid goes to take the coffee, but Lorelai helps her so that nobody gets hurt. She chatters on, noting that the coffee was stronger than she thought. When Lorelai learns that Rory's not there yet (she didn't notice that Rory's car wasn't out front?), she takes her coat back, excusing herself back to her car for a few minutes.
Out in the Jeep, Lorelai turns on the radio and busts a move to the Bee Gees ("Shadow Dancing") until Emily knocks on the plastic window. Lorelai unzips, and Emily asks why Lorelai is in her car. Lorelai says she was looking for her lip gloss. Emily asks why she needs the radio on for that. Lorelai thought she should retrace her steps in order to find the gloss, so she turned the radio back on. But "Shadow Dancing" is one of her favorite songs from junior high. "And you forgot to look for your lip gloss," Emily says. "Just for a second," Lorelai smiles. Emily points out that the lip gloss is right to Lorelai, in the ashtray. Lorelai picks it up. Emily calls it a miracle, and tells Lorelai to come inside. Lorelai starts to ask if she can wait until the song is over, but on Emily's look decides to come in.
Back inside the house, Emily scolds Lorelai for not being able to sit for three minutes without Rory there as a buffer. Lorelai and Emily sit down. "I just found out that Sookie is pregnant," Emily says. Lorelai promises she had nothing to do with it. Emily asks why Lorelai didn't bother to tell her. She says it's unforgivable. Lorelai has a nasty grin on her face when she says that it's not like Sookie and Emily are great friends. Emily correctly points out that she went to Sookie's wedding. "So did Kirk," Lorelai says. Yes, but he was working the wedding. But I bet Kirk knows about Sookie being pregnant, and I bet he's installed a security system already. Emily says that she hasn't sent Sookie a gift yet. "And how does that make me look?" Lorelai says it'd look like Emily hates Sookie, and all childbearing women. I would think that Sookie would want Emily to know -- there's a bitchin' savings bond in it for young Davey. Emily pouts that Lorelai is so intent on keeping her out of her life. Lorelai says that it's Sookie's life, not hers. Emily says a simple phone call would have been sufficient. Lorelai asks how Emily found out. "Why? Are you gonna track down the informant and have him shot?" Emily asks. Lorelai: "Maybe." Someone presses the "Doorbell" track on the sound effects CD. Emily says it doesn't matter how she found out, but she did find out, no thanks to Lorelai. Emily gives a great smile when she realizes it's driving Lorelai crazy not to know how she found out about Sookie. "Does it bother you not knowing?" she asks. "Yes," Lorelai admits. "Me too," Emily smiles.
Rory enters and apologizes for being late. "You'll pay," Lorelai says. Emily asks Rory to sit down and tell her all about Yale. Lorelai says that if she doesn't, then Emily will find out anyway. Rory says that Yale is "interesting" and more free-form than she thought. Emily says Rory's an adult now, and they will treat her like one. Lorelai says that doesn't happen in the Gilmore house. Emily reminds Lorelai that they've switched subjects. She asks Rory if she has any weekend plans. Rory says she's going on a date. The women are so excited, and ask Rory for the particulars. Rory says it's the guy from her English class. Lorelai tries to make Rory whisper with her in a secret club, speaking in a way that shows Emily that Lorelai and Rory have been discussing all of this for days, but Emily keeps asking questions until she finds out that Rory already turned this boy down once, and this date was because Rory initiated it. Emily is so upset. "Rory, you're in Yale. Not Amsterdam. How you conduct yourself socially is as important as how you conduct yourself academically." Rory promises she was very proper about it. Lorelai says that Rory had a nice Tiffany lampshade over her red light. Emily asks about the boy, but Rory says she plans on finding out about his parents and where he's from on the date itself. Lorelai just wants to know what she's going to wear. Lorelai offers to let Rory borrow something, but Emily says that Rory will not go traipsing around in Lorelai's whore swatches. She calls it "One of your Sex and the City ensembles." Lorelai has no idea how Emily knows about Sex and the City. Instead of getting the last joke in, Emily has to settle for scoffing indignantly.
Antique store. Traci Lords and Sookie are checking stuff out as Lorelai meanders in the back of the shop. Ooh, that's an ugly red leather jacket they've got on Traci Lords. Lorelai is all noncommittal about the things that Traci Lords has picked out. Lorelai wants to leave, and thinks they need more time before they start buying things. Sookie wants to start buying, but then she sees that the bench costs fifteen thousand dollars, and she's no longer interested. But Lorelai, who doesn't want Traci Lords to know that they have money issues, says that the price of the bench isn't a problem at all. Lorelai goes on to say that their lives are perfect and they have no complaints of any kind. Traci Lords, who needs a reason to leave the scene so Lorelai and Sookie can talk, says she sees a lawn jockey outside that looks very interesting. Leaving the jokes alone about the little man. Stepping away from the jokes. She leaves. Lorelai tells Sookie that she thinks Traci Lords has been talking to Emily about them. She doesn't want any personal information leaked to her, because in Emily's hands they are weapons. Sookie says there's no way that Traci Lords would talk to Emily. Lorelai points out that Emily somehow found out that Sookie is pregnant. Sookie says that Traci Lords couldn't have told Emily, since they only met in person half an hour ago. Sookie says that Lorelai is getting crazy, and she needs to go outside and talk to Traci Lords right now. She pushes Lorelai outside.
Hee. Traci Lords is bent over, checking out the lawn jockey's crotch. I'm not kidding. Lorelai must have had a hickey or something this week, because she's in another turtleneck, this time a dress. Lorelai says she feels silly mentioning this, but she's uncomfortable with Traci Lords knowing Emily. She says they don't have the smoothest of relationships, and they're very different, so she feels weird sharing things with her. Traci Lords promises she hasn't talked to Emily in a long time. Lorelai says she feels stupid. Traci Lords says that she liked working with Emily, but the inn is the kind of thing she loves doing. "I would be heartsick if I lost this opportunity," she says. She promises she hasn't talked to Emily in months, and doesn't see herself talking to her in the future. Lorelai agrees to keep Traci Lords on. "Really? I'm so glad," Traci Lords says. Oh, my God. Traci Lords and the lawn jockey are wearing the same red jacket. Hee! Lorelai doesn't want the lawn jockey until Traci Lords tells her that Emily would hate it. "Wrap it up," Lorelai says.
Rory wants Tana's help on choosing an outfit for her date. She shows off outfit number four. Tana (who was drawing on her leg) says that men respond subconsciously to a woman's pheromones, so she suggests that Rory run in place until Trevor gets there, and then she'll give off a nice musk. Paris says that they're having a roommates meeting in two minutes. Paris scolds Tana for using Sharpies on her bed. Tana apologizes and leaves. Paris asks Rory why the puppy doesn't pee on Rory's bed. Rory does a quick check in the mirror and joins the meeting. Rory says her date starts in ten minutes, so she needs Paris to "talk fast [sic]." The grumpy Janet, a dead ringer for Louisa mixed with CuteDean's wife, pouts in a chair as Paris says that nobody is on trial. She then proceeds to put Janet on trial. Janet makes a snorting noise. Tana tells Rory that this is thrilling. Paris complains about Janet waking everyone up early to put on nylon shorts and run in a circle. Janet tells Paris that she has a partial athletic scholarship. Paris says that nobody can sleep or breathe, and there are plastic balls everywhere. She points out that Rory missed breakfast the other day. Janet somehow knows that it was because Paris turned off her alarm. She then complains about Paris's stupid craft table, with the glitter and seashells everywhere, and the smell of the glue is so bad that Janet must now give Paris the hand. I miss Paris's life coach. Paris says she makes things that everybody can enjoy. "The coasters I make are for everyone. Those push-ups are for you and you alone." Janet votes to get rid of Craft Corner. Paris protests that it's her emotional homework. Rory asks everyone to calm down. Janet says she's been more than reasonable, and has told herself over and over again to just look at Paris and imagine what kind of hellish life she must have had to turn out that way. Janet is a foot taller than Paris, and when she stands up, shouting that she's sick of Paris's constant negativity, Paris has no other choice but to accuse Janet of being on steroids. Rory's date arrives, looking not unlike a tool in his brown blazer and Gideon Yago-inspired colored striped sweater over a dickey. Paris then challenges Janet to a race, Crafts Corner versus Alarm Clock. They run out of the room and right off of this episode, never to be resolved. Bye, Paris. Hope you make good time. "Now they're gonna have a nice musk," Tana notes. Rory and her date leave. There are no locks on Suite 5's door.
I'm not positive, but I think it's possible that I've been doing this recap for my entire life.
Lorelai answers the door for Luke, who has brought take-out. I'm assuming it's food he made. It's fries and pumpkin pie and a few burgers. Lorelai has already ordered a ton of Chinese food. Lorelai says she'll eat the burgers tonight and the Chinese food during the week. Luke says she should have ordered the Chinese fresh tomorrow, but Lorelai says she doesn't like fresh Chinese food. She brings him a beer. As they sit, Lorelai says that Luke's one click away from Casablanca, but first he has to get situated, squish around a little. Because Lorelai's rules for Movie Night involve not talking during the movie or getting up to go to the bathroom. I don't buy it for a second. Those girls MST3K all the way through most of the films they watch. Lorelai says there are different rules for guilty pleasure movies, though, and asks Luke if he's seen Hardbodies. He hasn't; neither have I. Lorelai then recites the synopsis for Hardbodies. "Let's see that," Luke says. Heh. Lorelai says they're going to watch Casablanca. I hope you've brought toothpicks for your eyes, Luke. All that heavy food and beer might make it a challenge. Lorelai starts the movie. Luke asks what they're looking at. Lorelai stops the film and reminds him that there's no talking during the movie, but more importantly she can't believe that Luke's never seen an FBI warning before. "It's new to me," Luke says. Lorelai calls Luke an UberMonk. Luke tells her to start the movie again. Lorelai makes me giggle with this: "Okay, just one more warning. When they showed the first motion picture over a hundred...years ago. It featured a train rushing toward the camera and people were so sure the train was going to burst off the screen and crush them that they ran away in terror. Now, Luke, the train is not going to leave the screen." Luke tells her to start the movie. She does. I fall immediately asleep.
Rory's on her date. Trevor gets handed one of those buzzing pager things. Trevor assesses the restaurant as "geeky but cool." He asks if she's ever been to Italy. Rory says she hasn't, and then realizes she was just there about a month ago. "Hard thing to forget," he says. Rory says she's so used to not being anywhere. Trevor asks what Italy is like. "Terrific," Rory says, and offers no more words. Trevor points to a map of other places where this restaurant is located. He tries to make small talk. He says there are two in his hometown. "Now that's a great town," he says. Rory agrees. He asks if she's been there. "Where?" she asks. "Chicago." Dean was from Chicago! I miss Dean! Rory asks if that's where he's from. Trevor says that's where he was pointing. Rory says she's never been to Chicago. Then they kind of awkwardly sit at two empty chairs waiting for them. Trevor tries again, saying he can't believe how much he misses his younger brother. He asks Rory if she has any siblings. Rory says she doesn't, and it isn't until Wing indignantly reminds me how Rory has a half-sister named Gigi that I remember. Rory looks miserable and makes an audible sigh of boredom. Poor Trevor. Rory tells Trevor about how she read an article once on restaurants that have open bowls of mints, and how most people grab mints on their way out of the restroom, leaving urine on the other mints, which you can see under a black light. Who wants dinner? "So they're urine mints," she concludes. "Huh" is the only correct response Trevor can give. Finally they're getting paged. They're seated in a long quiet shot. Trevor decides to sit to Rory instead of across from her, or at an angle. "Oh," Rory says, right along with me.
Luke is frustrated, because Lorelai's doing that annoying thing where she's watching the person who is watching the movie for the first time. Luke says it's even worse, because whenever she looks at him he knows something important is about to happen. The phone rings while Lorelai rewinds the DVD. "There goes our flow," Luke complains. But it's Rory on the phone. The Earth stops rotating on its axis, Movie Night is paused, and Lorelai takes the phone call. Rory tells Lorelai that the whole night is sucking, and she's got a terrible feeling in her stomach. Lorelai asks if the feeling is sort of frozen, unsure, and wishing she'd read a lot of dating articles before going out. Rory says she has no idea what to do, that Trevor's sitting to her instead of across from her, and she's bombing every conversation. "I'm moronic," she says. Rory tells Lorelai about the urine mints. Lorelai gasps and asks Luke if he knew about the urine mints. "What?" Luke asks. Hee. Rory complains that her neck hurts from having to crane her head over to see him while he's talking, and she's wondering if she can ask him to move across the table. Lorelai tells Rory to relax and realize that sometimes dates don't go well. Rory says she'll talk later. They hang up.
Lorelai pouts over to the couch. "Dating's the worst," offers the recent divorcé. Lorelai says they're sitting on the same side of the table, and the conversation's going nowhere. I'd like to point out that Luke and Lorelai are sitting side by side here, and Luke's having to crane his neck to see Lorelai. Against all Lorelai logic, she says that she's just got to throw Rory out there and let her learn on her own and fend for herself. Luke says that Rory could say there's a draft where she's sitting, so she has to move to the other side of the table. Of course Lorelai calls Rory right away to help her learn things on her own. Luckily Trevor's busy making some poo mints, and isn't back yet. Lorelai then tells Rory what to ask Trevor to keep him talking (what his siblings names are -- and for some reason the one-word answer is enough for Rory). Rory thanks Luke and Lorelai for the help. Lorelai tells Luke she feels better. Luke says he wouldn't trade places with Rory right now. Lorelai says he might want to wait to see Trevor's picture before he makes that decision. Luke says that dating is a horror. Lorelai says they could order a spouse off the internet. Luke says he misses nothing by not dating, and if he hadn't dated, then he would be single right now instead of divorced. He doesn't say that, but it's true. He says if he had dated, the only difference between where he's sitting right now is that he'd have had a lot more bad nights at Tony Roma's. Lorelai says that dating is how you figure out who your best partner should be, how you learn about who you want in life. Luke says he can tell in his gut in seconds. I feel it here, he says, pointing somewhere between his gut and his crotch. Luke says he felt it with Rachel and with Nicole, and he trusts his gut. Yes, because those two ladies gave you some long-lasting relationships, huh? Neither of them bailed on you. Luke says that knowing someone will let you be is a gut thing, and very relaxing. Lorelai complains that Luke is fast-forwarding the movie. He says they won't get through it, so he just wants to get to the good parts. Lorelai complains that there are no bad parts in the movie. She pouts, and gets up to grab dessert.
The phone rings again. This time Luke answers it. It's Emily, who's a little confused that a man answered Lorelai's phone. Luke explains who he is, reminding Emily that they've met before. Lorelai begins frantically waving her arms, running back into the living room, and Luke tries to say that he's not supposed to be on the phone right now. Lorelai asks why he answered the phone. Emily listens as Luke says that Lorelai answered the phone for Rory. Lorelai says that Luke should have told Emily she wasn't there. Luke says there's no reason he'd be there without her. "Light maintenance!" Luke says that Lorelai needs to take the phone and talk to Emily, since she's broken all of the Movie Night rules. Lorelai says that dodging her mother's phone calls is an always rule. Man, poor Emily. Emily wants to know why Lorelai told Traci Lords not to speak with her. She called about doing another room, and Traci Lords blew her off, saying she'd made Lorelai certain promises. Lorelai says she never told Traci Lords not to work for her, but there was an agreement. Emily asks for a list of people that she's not allowed to talk to, so she doesn't accidentally call one again. She asks if she's still allowed to talk to her husband. Lorelai says she has no problems letting Traci Lords go so she can work for Emily. But Emily doesn't want to be responsible for Traci Lords losing a job, so she doesn't want her. "No, Lorelai. You keep her and I promise I'll never speak to her. Ever." She swears if she sees Traci Lords bleeding on the side of the road, she'll just drive by. Lorelai says she's firing Traci Lords, but Emily says that's up to Lorelai. "Consider it done," Lorelai says. "I'll see you Friday," Emily says. Man, Lorelai. She pouts back to Luke's side. They watch a little Casablanca. I try not to fall asleep.
Rory comes home after her date to find Luke asleep on the couch. Lorelai is tucking him in. Rory asks if he fell asleep during Casablanca. Lorelai says he fell asleep during Hardbodies. Rory says he looks comfy on their couch.
Back in the kitchen, Rory tells Lorelai that the date just went bad. Trevor wasn't her type, and the draft thing backfired, since Trevor says he felt the same draft and moved over to her side of the table. Lorelai can't believe how malleable boys are. Rory says she felt the date was so forced. Lorelai tells Rory that Luke believes in the gut, but she thinks you have to go through a lot to find a good one. They decide a girl has to hunt a lot, and gather many bad date anecdotes. Rory asks how long this can go on. Lorelai reminds Rory about the ladies of Grey Gardens. She says that Rory can go with Luke's gut thing if all else fails. "Maybe," Rory says. End of scene. Okay.
Night at Yale. The Smiths plays. And we're in a laundry room. Don't ask me what day it is. Rory finds a cute boy folding laundry. This cute boy decides to put band stickers all over his laundry basket. *coughLOSER!cough* Rory's wearing the same clothes she had on Thursday, and says that her clothes were in that dryer he's using. The boy tells her that someone had dumped them out, so he put them in his basket to keep them clean. Or he was going to steal them, as that's what happened to one of my friends in college. Rory compliments the boy's basket (dirty!) as she takes back her clothes. He folded them, too. Sorry, Rory, but your new hunk is gay. He tells her that he had an older brother who turned him on to The Smiths. Gay, or celibate. Rory brags that Lorelai is very cool. She says that being away makes you think about home. You mean the place you just left three minutes ago, Rory? Getting bold, Rory asks the boy if he'd be interested in getting coffee sometime. "I don't think so, but thanks," he says. He leaves, and Rory tells him he's welcome. Dis! Rory looks away as Morrissey wails us to black. Yeah. Sorry, Rory. Gay.