The strummy-strummy la la takes us to Rory exiting her car. It's night. Rory has cut her hair. It's now in a bob to her chin. It's not unlike the haircut AB Chao gave me this summer -- the one that caused my boyfriend to first comment, "What did you do?" And after my mom couldn't recognize me walking toward her, she asked, "When are you growing it back?" But yes, back to Rory. She's carrying two large laundry bags. I'm pretty sure Rory didn't wear all of those clothes in five days, and there's no way Rory skipped coming home one weekend, is there? And if it's Friday night, she should be on her way to Emily's anyway. Rory stops for a second and takes a look at her home. She smiles. Home is great.
Until Rory enters the house, where she trips a very loud security alarm. Rory holds her head and staggers into the living room. Lorelai runs to the alarm box and tries to enter a code as Rory asks, "What's going on?" Pretty easy to figure out there, Yalie. ["Maybe she goes to Special Yale." -- Wing Chun] Rory asks if that's a smoke detector. Lorelai says it's the alarm. There's debate over whether they have an alarm or "really angry rats." Lorelai turns around to see Rory's hair. "Did you cut your hair?" she asks perfectly, with her hands coming up to touch her own collarbone, and her mouth agape. Rory says she just trimmed it. By the way, they're yelling over the alarm, which is still going off. Lorelai is hurt that Rory didn't tell her she cut off all her hair. Rory says it was a spur-of-the-moment thing. Lorelai calls Rory a G.I. Jane. Rory asks if they can have the conversation after the air raid.
Lorelai pushes Rory into a corner of the living room, a place where the motion sensors can't find them, so that the alarm stops wailing. It's not a very good alarm system if it doesn't alert the police or the alarm company, is it? Lorelai asks again why Rory didn't tell her about the haircut. Rory repeats that it's just a trim. "To the Braille Institute, it's just a trim," Lorelai says. Rory asks if Lorelai likes it. "Will you put it back if I don't?" Lorelai responds. Rory whines, and Lorelai says she likes it. The alarm stops. "It feels good when it's over, huh?" Lorelai asks. Rory asks when they got an alarm. "Apparently Kirk --" Lorelai starts, when Rory interrupts with an "Oh, no." Kirk has joined the Stars Hollow Security Company. He thinks that Lorelai is a "pretty spinster," and he's concerned for her safety. She came home and found the alarm already installed with a note from Kirk, his card, and his gun. But when she called the alarm center to complain about the alarm, nobody answered. She left a message with Meg, the woman who sweeps up. Rory wonders why Stars Hollow even has a security service, since nothing ever happens there. Now that Jess has moved. Lorelai says that's not true at all, since people now break into houses and install alarm systems. Lorelai tells Rory there's a new mail carrier, too, who delivers all of the mail to the wrong people. Miss Patty gets theirs. Babette's goes to Andrew. Norma's is delivered to the deli. Taylor has yet to find his mail. Rory notes that Stars Hollow is "hopping." Lorelai asks if she's eaten yet. Rory says she hasn't, and figured Lorelai would feed her. "Sure," Lorelai says. I do believe Emily is supposed to be feeding you, Rory. Lorelai says she can feed Rory, but she doesn't get informed about haircuts. Rory promises to never do anything again without telling Lorelai, something that she's been promising every week for eighteen years. Lorelai says she likes the guilt thing. Rory makes a move for the front door to fetch her laundry, and trips the alarm again. "You made it mad!" Lorelai says. Rory runs back to the corner and holds her ears. "No place like home, huh?" Lorelai yells. Rory whines. Eventually we fade to opening credits. "Is this one Daniel?" my boyfriend asks. "No. Although the mention of a string of townies makes it suspicious. But the writing's too easygoing to be Daniel's." "I think he wrote it," my boyfriend declares.
Lorelai's house has a trail of Post-It notes. Rory wanders into the hallway, and Lorelai yells for her to follow the paper trail. Rory asks if this seems weird to her. Lorelai says she's spent the entire morning tracking that motion detector. "What an excellent use of your time," Rory says. As long as Rory stays on the path, the alarm won't go off. "So I should follow the yellow-stick road?" Rory asks. Hee. Lorelai: "We'll be here all week, ladies and gentlemen. Try the veal." She then tells Rory to stop and read the Post-It where she's standing. It says she needs to crouch down and hop. Rory scoffs at this, but Lorelai orders her to make like a hunchback bunny. Rory does, saying that she had once promised that if she ever went to therapy, she'd keep Lorelai out of it, but now she's left with no choice. Rory asks if Lorelai called the security company again. Lorelai: "Yes, Meg sends her love." It's very un-Lorelai for her not to have Luke down here fixing it at the crack of dawn. Lorelai says she'll stop by on her way to the Dragonfly. She asks Rory about her day's plans. Rory plans on hanging out in town, reading, drinking coffee, and having a perfect Stars Hollow day. The credits tell us this episode was written by Jane Espenson. ["She used to write for Buffy and has also written at least one episode, that I noticed, of The O.C." -- Wing Chun] "How do you do that?" my boyfriend asks me. "I know way too much about this show" is my only answer. "It's kind of depressing." Him: "Because you'll never get to write an episode?" Me: "Something like that." Lorelai's on her way to the Dragonfly to meet with contractors. She and Rory make a plan for a late lunch at Luke's. Rory asks which paper trail she should follow to the front door, since there's a fork in the road. Lorelai suggests the path that looks "more intentional." Rory asks how they're supposed to get out of their house. Lorelai puts one arm on top of the other, and gives a wink and a nose wiggle, à la Jeannie. "I hate Kirk!" Rory pouts.
As we pan down the gazebo to where Rory sits reading, the music goes from external to the tinny sounds coming from Rory's headphones. (I can't tell what Rory's reading.) A catering truck pulls up and begins unloading things over Rory's head, flinging them into the gazebo. The delivery man tells her he's setting up for tomorrow, and tells her to move. Rory asks what's happening tomorrow. Her answer comes in the form of Lindsay's family discussing the reception that will be happening tomorrow, right where Rory's standing now. Wow, they're loud. Lindsay's mom holds up a huge engagement photo of CuteDean and Lindsay. I can't tell if one of them is supposed to be Lindsay. If so, Lindsay got a new haircut over the summer, as did all of Stars Hollow. I want to know who the town's new stylist is. Rory hightails it in the other direction.
Rory walks into Lane's house, ready to give Lane a serious talking-to. She says that it's Lane's responsibility to call Rory and let her know if she's coming home on the same weekend as Dean's wedding. It might actually be Lorelai's responsibility, but fine. Actually, it's probably Rory's responsibility, if she cares so much for Dean and all. I thought she got a subscription to the Stars Hollow Gazette. Surely they ran a story on this. Lane asks if Lindsay saw Rory on the gazebo. "I don't think so," Rory says. "I do a pretty good idiot run when I need to." Lane apologizes, saying she didn't know that Rory was coming home this weekend, and that it totally slipped her mind.
Lane asks Rory to hold on for a second so that she can open the armoire in the room. Inside are Zach and Brian. "Not cool, Lane," Zach says. Brian notes that this is the fourth time today that they've been locked in there. Lane explains that she thought Rory was her mother. Zach says the resemblance is uncanny. "We should get your mom a bell, like a cat," Brian says. Lane says they're having a band meeting because they need to replace their guitarist. Brian whines that he might have gotten a splinter. Zach informs him that a splinter can get into your bloodstream, go to your heart, and kill you. Brian wants to know why Zach would tell him such a thing. "Whatever, dude," Zach says. "This is lame. I'm gonna bail." Lane says that the band has come too far to give up just because of Dave. Zach scolds Lane for saying "The 'D' word." He says that Dave is dead to him. "He just went to college, Zach," Brian sneers. Zach says that he didn't just go to college, he walked out on his art -- his sound. A sound isn't easy to find. He cites The Glenn Miller Story as an example. Zach's Jimmy Stewart impression sounds a lot like Homer. Zach says that Dave took the band's sound to California (nudge, nudge): "You don't come back from California, man! It changes you!" I wish Lane got an episode to be sad about her first real love moving to the other side of the country, and Rory having to deal with her friend's real needs at a time when her own life is going through changes. It'd be really cool to see Rory blow off a test, or stand up to her grandparents because, for once, the girl who has always been there for Rory needed her, to lie, or to drive her to the airport for one last goodbye -- whatever. It'd be great if we didn't waste the great character that Lane is. Lane says that they can't expect Dave not to go to college. "No true rock-and-roller goes to college!" Zach screams. Except Weezer's Rivers Cuomo, who went to Harvard. Before I can finish playing smarty-pants, Rory starts doing it for me. She says that Mick Jagger went to the London School of Economics. Dexter Holland, of the Offspring, has a Ph. D. in Molecular Biology. Well, I wish he'd go cure cancer and stay the hell off my radio, that Weird Al Yankovic-sounding jagoff. Rory goes on about members of Black Flag and Bad Religion until Zach says, "Lane. She's your friend." Rory says that she's leaving and that she'll "call" "Lane" "later." Lane asks Rory if she's mad. Rory promises that she isn't. She says she was a little surprised about Dean's wedding, but that it's okay. She says she'll just be more careful where she goes this weekend. I thought she was the first to give Dean and Lindsay a present. She was the first one to find out about the engagement. Lane tells Rory that she'll see her in the morning, because the band's practicing in Lorelai's garage. So I guess Lane isn't invited to Dean's wedding, either. Zach storms back into the living room ranting to Brian, "Shut up, shut up, shut up. Weezer did not go to Harvard!" Brian: "Well, not the whole band. Just the lead singer." Well, there you go. Zach tells Brian to get away from him. But Zach follows. Rory says goodbye to Lane and walks out.
We follow Rory as she rounds the corner and runs into Dean. She looks like she might run in the opposite direction, but then bites her lip and faces him. They stammer some hellos, some discussion of Lane, and the fact that Rory's home this weekend. CuteDean asks about Yale. Rory says she loves it. Dean loves Connecticut State, too. CuteDean's hair isn't so much floppy, now, as it is waxed. I like it, but then again I just like Dean. I don't care what any of you say. Rory tells Dean that the decorated gazebo looks like Heaven, or a Victoria's Secret commercial, which for some people is the same thing. Dean says he didn't know Rory would be home this weekend, or he would have invited her to the wedding. Couldn't he have invited her anyway, in which case she then would have come home? Rory says it's no big deal. Dean hasn't stopped shuffling from one foot to the other as he says he wasn't intentionally not inviting her; he was just not inviting her. He says he didn't know she'd be home. He didn't want her to think anything. Rory says she doesn't think anything now, because she goes to Yale and they think for her. Dean decides that since she is in town, she should come to the wedding with Lorelai. So Lorelai wasn't invited to the wedding, either? Who does CuteDean know in town, anyway? And what event is sanctioned by the Stars Hollow Official Town Gathering without one of the Gilmores crowned its princess? "Chicken or beef?" Dean asks, and Rory stammers. Dean decides that of course the Gilmores would both want beef, because they are hearty eaters. Dean flubs his line a little as he tells Rory he doesn't think she resembles beef, she just is beef. He says he'll see her at noon at the church: "I'll be the one in the tux." He says he and Lindsay didn't write their own vows and nobody's singing opera, so perhaps Lorelai and Rory won't be compelled to heckle their ceremony. "I know you think that's lame." Rory says, "Oh, no. It's a wedding. It's supposed to be...operatic." ["I think that's what she said instead of 'kind of gay,' which weddings also are." -- Wing Chun] Dean says that Lindsay's expecting him, so he'll see them tomorrow. As he runs off, Rory says, "But..." And that's that. Rory looks around, terrified. I thought she was all for this union. Hey, what's with The WB wanting everyone to be married off before college?
Lorelai is staring at her alarm box (dirty!) as Kirk periodically calls down, from upstairs, "Now?" Lorelai says that nothing's happening, and eventually admits that she has no idea what she's looking for. Kirk reveals that he doesn't know, either. He comes downstairs, moaning and pouting. He says he was told that fixing the electrical box would be self-explanatory, but that he needs some kind of key to keep from being electrocuted, and that the box isn't self-explanatory at all. Kirk says he was trying to do a nice thing. Some guy named Jimmy was supposed to install the alarm system, because Kirk didn't get to take the class, since it was all filled up when he got there. "Damn my constant tardiness!" Ha. Lorelai asks what they can do right now, because the alarm is so loud. Kirk says that's his fault as well, since he asked Jimmy to crank up the volume. He didn't want anyone mistaking Lorelai's alarm for water running or a fan if she's ever got a knife-wielding gunman at her throat. Lorelai asks if the imaginary intruder really has a knife as well as a gun. Kirk adds that he also has a really dirty tank top. Lorelai asks what they can do until Jimmy gets back from out of town. Kirk says they can just change the code to a seven-digit number that Lorelai remembers. As they're doing this, Lorelai's interrupted by Sookie, so you'd think that this was all a set-up for Lorelai to forget the seven-digit code, but it's not. Sookie says that Lorelai's phone has been disconnected. Kirk thinks for a second, and then heads back upstairs. I'm surprised Sookie entered through the front door, instead of crashing through a wall shouting "Oh, yeah!" since her fake belly makes her a dead ringer for the Kool-Aid man. Sookie says that a very upset Michel called her today because Lorelai never returned his phone call. Apparently, he called when Lorelai was in Europe. Sookie thinks that Michel thinks they're trying to keep him out of the Dragonfly. They sit at the kitchen table, discussing how hysterical Michel was about it. His voice turned into a high-pitched squeal and all Sookie could make out was "fire" and "abandon me." Sookie adds that Michel expects a thank-you card for the Statue of Liberty. Lorelai says that she and Sookie intend to take him with them to the Dragonfly. She says that they love Michel. Sookie adds that he's the best concierge in the world. Lorelai says that he's a little abrasive. Sookie adds that he's impatient. "And charming," Lorelai notes. Sookie: "And great at what he does. Knows the community." "Willing to go that extra mile," Lorelai adds. Sookie: "Tiny bit obnoxious." Lorelai gives a weird line reading: "Makes you want to scream 'Life's too short!' two, three times a day." They picture life without Michel for a few seconds. It makes them giddy. "We do need him, right?" Sookie asks. Lorelai says that they need to go talk to him. She stands up, presumably to do just that.
I don't know where Michel's new swank cool hotel is, but it's certainly not in Stars Hollow, Harvard, or Connecticut. Everybody's dressed in black, and the people wear tiny headsets. "It's supposed to be the Mercer," I giggle. This is a huge shout-out, because at this very moment a plane has touched down in Los Angeles, carrying in it one of my very best friends, who happens to be a concierge at The Mercer, a swank New York hotel. Lorelai jokes that she can tell where all the Calvin Klein ads went to die. "They look like they all had the same mother," Sookie says, referring to the models draped all over the lobby. Lorelai comments that their mother is one tired supermodel. She tries to stop a woman who never loses a step as she passes them. "I wouldn't talk to us either," Lorelai says. Sookie tells Lorelai to talk to a boy, because boys like Lorelai.
Sookie and Lorelai go up to the front desk. Lorelai says that they're looking for Michel Gerard. "The corner of Mercer and Broome," the clerk says into his headset phone. (See?!) Lorelai tells Sookie that Janet Jackson is on the phone. "Uh huh. No worries," the guy says, wrapping up his call. The girls are startled to find that he's now talking to them when he says, "Yes?" Sookie asks for Michel. The man is back on the phone before Sookie can finish Michel's name. "Uh huh. No worries," the guy says. "He comes like the wind," he says to the girls before sashaying off. I'll bet he does.
Michel makes his way over toward the girls. Y'all, Michel is looking fine. He gets to have hair this season, and he's wearing a tight charcoal outfit instead of that stuffy suit. As he barks some orders to someone who's got Broadway plans for the night, the country-looking girls wave and smile at him. "Well, look who the cat dragged in," he says to them. Lorelai says she's missed him. Michel says he's missed them, too. Sookie says he looks so important, walking around talking to himself. Michel has some of the best reaction shots on this show, like his patient smile as he's obviously digging his fingernails into the palm of his hand. I'm lovin' it like Justin Timberlake loving his checks from McDonald's. Lorelai tells Michel that they're starting their renovations on the Dragonfly on Monday. "Oh, yes. Is that still happening?" Michel Frenches. Lorelai says it is, and Michel declares it "lovely." He quickly gives an aside on his phone, telling someone that there's a small charge for the use of the internet, and that the caller should check the instructions in the mini-bar. Lorelai says she knows he's a little upset with her. Michel pretends he doesn't know what she's talking about, even after Sookie rehashes -- in detail -- the conversation she had with him the night before, in the course of which Michel cried. Sookie says he kept her on the phone for so long she missed so much of Queer Eye For the Straight Guy that by the time she got back "they were all gay." ["Hee. I loved that line." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai apologizes for making him think they didn't want him coming to the Dragonfly. Michel thanks them for telling him that, and goes back to work. Lorelai asks if he doesn't want to leave, since his hotel is very impressive. Michel checks his email while he gives a monologue that I love, and it's not just because I'm an actor who grew up in hotels and worked at a few: "Yes, this place is impressive, isn't it? I mean, the uniform alone, like working in your jammies. And these headsets? Are they not fabulous? Especially when, for example, you're in the bathroom -- a place one would normally choose to be alone -- and then suddenly, BANG! Someone is yakking in your ear. How delightful. You can never get lonely! And the people who work here? A joy. So young, so talented. Some of them are actors in ambitious off-Broadway revues. They play cockroaches and derelicts. Do Shakespeare dressed like punk rockers. It gives me chills, just thinking about it! [into his phone] Yes! Extra towels are complimentary, Matthew. And stop asking me who the hottie I'm talking to is!" Michel says he'll think about it and get back to them. "Nice to have you on board, Michel," Lorelai says. Michel shoos them away. "Thank God," he moans, and then goes back to bitching at Matthew. I wish that wasn't the last time we'd see Michel's weird hotel.
Luke's. That Lorelai can travel space and time like no other. Lorelai can't believe that Dean invited her and Rory to his wedding. "Then we're having beef," she says. Lorelai asks Rory how Dean's body language was. Rory sort of waves her hands above her face and distantly says, "Tall." Best line of the episode. Lorelai asks if he squirmed or backed away, or if he was "darty-eyed." Rory notes a little darting around the eyes. She says they were both nervous, and that he invited Rory and Lorelai because he wanted to be nice. "That does sound like Dean," Lorelai says. Rory asks if they should go. Lorelai says that this isn't her decision, since Dean is Rory's ex-boyfriend. Rory thinks it'd be weird to go, but that if they don't go, it might look like they're making some kind of statement. She wishes she had stayed at Lane's for two more minutes. "Yeah," Lorelai says. "Fate!" she curses. Rory asks if they should ignore fate -- a line that they grossly distorted in the promos to make us think that this episode would actually be about Rory and Dean and not Taylor and the Dragonfly.
Luke comes over to refill the girls' coffees, and declares fate a fake. Lorelai scoffs. Luke: "There is no fate, there is no destiny, there is no luck. Astrology is ridiculous. Tarot cards tell you nothing. You cannot read a palm. Tea leaves make tea and nothing else. Jim Morrison is not hanging out with Elvis, and the Kennedys did not kill Marilyn." Luke's definition of fate is nearing Alanis territory. Lorelai says she knew Luke was going to say that, and that she read his mind. Luke says it's his own fault for coming over there. He leaves. Rory says that Dean is going to expect her and Lorelai to go, and that it's his day and she doesn't want him to feel like she doesn't care about him: "I just want him to be happy." Lorelai says they'll get him a salad spinner first thing tomorrow morning. Even though Rory already bought them a wedding present.
Miss Patty enters, breathless, looking quite uncomfortable. She brought Lorelai her mail because one of the letters is marked "Urgent." Miss Patty complains about how exhausted she is. She then pants and moans that she has to leave now. She threatens to kill the mail carrier: "I don't care if he doesn't have a tongue." Miss Patty leaves, and Rory asks if the mail carrier really doesn't have a tongue. But Lorelai is busy reading her Urgent letter. It's from the Stars Hollow Historical Preservation Society, a.k.a. Taylor. It's a cease and desist order on the Dragonfly, since Lorelai didn't get the proper permits or approvals on the renovations or whatever from the...oh, man. It so doesn't matter. It just got everybody riled up anyway. It's best if we gloss over this Taylor subplot, since it's the same subplot they keep pulling this season: Taylor is making trouble. (Although "Thank you and have a historical day" is quite funny.) Lorelai says she's going to talk to Taylor. "Cool," Rory smiles. Lorelai promises that it'll be very pleasant. She says she owns her own business now and will have to deal with people like Taylor all the time, so she might as well practice her cool business skills now: "You can't go around yelling at people, no matter how historical they might be." Now, strangely, what doesn't happen here, is that Lorelai doesn't run right over to that window that separates Luke's from Taylor's shoppe, and bang on the glass, screaming and yelling until it breaks. Or even slapping the paper up against the glass, shouting, "Are you kidding me, you freak?" Instead, she leaves the diner. Rory follows.
Outside, Lorelai recaps a scene from The Godfather.
Inside the shoppe, Taylor scolds a boy for sampling a flavor he already knows he likes. He calls the kid gluttonous, and takes the candy out of his hands. Lorelai tries to be all sweet. "Hi, Taylor!" she coos, and my cat looks up, because that's his name and she said it the same way people addresses my easily-pissy kitty. Feline Taylor's a little more like Michel than Stars Hollow's Taylor, although he also disapproves of everything. Rory and Lorelai order some ice cream. Lorelai asks about the letter. "I'm having kind of a blonde day," she says, and asks him to explain it to her. Taylor says that she can't do any renovations on the Dragonfly, which is historical, without the approval of the Historical Society, which needs it in the form of a presentation at a town meeting. Lorelai has a construction crew coming on Monday, and Taylor thinks she should postpone all of that until she has the proper go-ahead. Rory interrupts to have a major orgasm over her chocolate-chocolate-chocolate ice cream, saying that it is seriously chocolate-chocolate-chocolaty. Lorelai points her hand toward Taylor, and Rory apologizes. Taylor says that the rules have to be followed. Lorelai says she'll do her presentation at tonight's town meeting. Taylor says he went through the same thing for his shoppe, but that since he knew the rules, he didn't get the embarrassing letters. Lorelai and Rory turn to leave, but Taylor asks them to pay for their ice cream. So much for the Ice Queen, Ror. Lorelai is pissed, since normally they don't have to pay for anything in Stars Hollow.
Town Meeting. Sookie, Michel, and Lorelai patiently wait for their turn to make their proposal. Taylor is discussing landscaping to the town square. Rory notes that it's been a very long meeting. Michel keeps almost puking because the man sitting to him has body odor. "Michel, you're French. How can you even tell?" Lorelai asks. Taylor scolds the girls for making so much noise. Lorelai says they're just patiently waiting their turn. Taylor's item is to announce fourth-grader Donny Pass's recent runner-up award in a Connecticut writing competition. His story was called "The Happiest Doughnut," and from the cover we can see that Donny clearly had some help from a design department or paid for some serious clip art. Sookie threatens to give birth out of boredom, and of course she's sitting directly in front of Donny's mother, who then stands to take the crowd's praise. Don't cry, Donny. Your mom obviously did all the work, anyway. Lorelai says she's sure Taylor's doing this on purpose. Taylor describes the story as funny and a little sad, adding that the dunking scene is a little intense for young kids. Gypsy asks how a "stupid doughnut" can be happy. Rory says that the genius of Donny Pass is how he makes you think. Gypsy hands Rory her mail. Rory hands Gyspy some of her mail, and asks her to pass another handful back to Al. I can't believe it's not a pancake catalog. Gypsy has another pack of mail for Andrew (I thought Babette had his mail!). The rest of the townies in attendance stand and swap their mail. Lorelai tells Michel she can't smell a thing. Michel says he's breathing it all in, so it's not reaching her. Taylor asks for order. Andrew asks Gypsy why the letter from his girlfriend is open. Gypsy apologizes, and says it must have fallen open accidentally. Andrew accuses Gypsy of reading his private mail. Gypsy says the only thing private in that letter was about some medical stuff. Miss Patty hands Taylor his Pennysaver and his "girly magazines." Taylor corrects her, saying they are "lifestyle" magazines. He adjourns the meeting, and tells everyone to pick up a free copy of "The Happiest Doughnut" on their way out.
Lorelai is outraged that Taylor adjourned the meeting before she got to speak, but luckily, nobody's booking it out of there, so Taylor calls it back in session per Lorelai's request, announcing that the children and elderly of Stars Hollow will just have to remain unattended a little bit longer. Sookie, Michel, and Lorelai take the stand. As Lorelai tries to speak, Taylor keeps on heckling about how they won't have enough parking spaces based on the number of rooms. Then he comments: "So, pave paradise and put up a parking lot." Taylor asks if they're going to serve alcohol and make the Dragonfly a party spot catering to the hip-hop Manson family murderers. Lorelai says that she's been a part of this town for as long as Rory's alive, and that she's always wanted to open this inn, and that she and Sookie plan on making this community as proud of the Dragonfly as they were of the Independence Inn. "You mean the place that burned down on your watch?" Taylor asks. Michel asks if he can slap Taylor. Lorelai's cell phone then goes off, and she checks it, and gets worried because the call's coming from inside the house!. Inside Lorelai's house, actually, and since both Rory and Lorelai are there, they don't know who could be there. Lorelai excuses herself from this very important meeting to take the call, which is on its millionth ring. Michel goes on about deodorant.
Outside, Lorelai finds out that the caller is Kirk, who was responding to an alarm. He says he's detained the suspect -- a young Asian girl practicing in the Gilmores' garage with a bunch of punks. I thought they were practicing tomorrow. The meeting adjourns again, and Lorelai sends Rory over to explain to Kirk who Lane and her band are. Lorelai hangs up. "We failed you," Sookie says. Michel calls Taylor a very unpleasant man. Sookie says that the second Lorelai walked away, Taylor adjourned the meeting and booked it out the door. Lorelai sees Taylor heading toward his market, and says, "You can run, but you can't hide." She follows him. Michel: "Oh, this is cute! 'The Happy Doughnut.'"
Lorelai runs after Taylor, and he tells Lorelai not to sneak up on him like that, because he almost blew his emergency whistle. She wants to know what his damage is. Taylor says he has to do a walk-through with the other members of the Historical Society in order to determine the approval of her...whatever. Whatever! Lorelai lets Taylor pick the time and place. It's tomorrow at 6 in the morning. Moving on.
Luke's. It's closing. But Dean and his sad little bachelor party are just getting started. For those of you working on the home trivia game, here is Stars Hollow's fight song: "We live and die for Stars Hollow High. We do or die for Stars Hollow High. It's the one we fight and fall for. It's the one we give our all for. Stars! Hol-low! High!" One of Dean's friends is in a sailor's uniform, and he says they're stopping at Luke's for the pit stop of Dean's bachelor party. Phase One was "get sloppy drunk." Phase Two might include strippers. Hey, can someone shave that weird scruff Dean's got going on? It makes him look like he's battling something. One of Dean's friends realizes that his name is also Luke, and suggests that he and Luke Danes start a club. "That would be swell," Luke says. He offers to make everyone some coffee. Dean starts swaggering like a tree in a hurricane, going on about how tomorrow is his big day. The sailor drags Dean to the counter and thanks Luke for his kindness. Sailor tells Luke that Phase One was a case of beer in a JC Penney parking lot, followed by the batting cages and laser tag. That's so sad. These are young boys. Dean says he's decided that he really likes beer. Oh, maybe he'll become a drunk after he's married and can't have Rory. That'll be fun. All drunk at the bar at the Dragonfly, hitting on Lorelai every night. Awesome! I love the dark, seedy side of Stars Hollow -- the one that lives only in my imagination. The sailor tells Luke that he's in the Navy. He thought it would help pay for college, but now he's probably going to have to fight in a war. Speaking of dark. Luke scolds the partygoers for attempting to play "sugar football." The sailor apologizes for his friends' being such kids. Luke offers to make a mess of pancakes. The boys start talking about strippers again, wondering how much you pay one and whether they're really prostitutes. Luke suggests that the boys make up a dirty version of the fight song while he's in the back. The boys cheer the great idea. "Rory," Dean moans. Suddenly the entire bachelor party is over, the boys clear out, and Luke decides to take care of Dean for the rest of the night. That girl's got power, I tell ya. As the boys leave, singing the fight song again, Luke lifts Dean and curls him under his arm. Man, that boy is seriously tall.
Luke drags Dean to Jess's old bed. Dean can't stop talking about how awesome Rory is. She's smart. Luke suggests that she team up with Kyle (that must be one of the friends downstairs, whose names we didn't get). Dean says that Rory has such pretty hair on her wonderful head. Then maybe you should have said something about her hair when you ran into her, dick. And doesn't Dean have a family expecting him to come home tonight? Luke takes off Dean's shoes. "I miss her," Dean says. "Why didn't she love me?" Dean falls asleep. Luke knows exactly how Dean feels. Those are two men who are whipped, y'all. I love them both, dearly, but they need to just sit the Gilmores down and rip them new ones. I'm tired of their niceness allowing the girls to get away with emotional murder.
We got the Historical Society up in the hizzy, and they ain't leavin' till 6 in the morning. Sookie and Lorelai trade things they'd rather be doing right now, like flossing with sharp floss, getting brain freeze, or watching foreign movies without the subtitles. Michel joins them, saying he feels ugly this morning. They watch as Taylor and Miss Patty look over a clipboard. Michel says he's grown to hate Taylor. Lorelai makes a move on Miss Patty, asking if Miss Patty will use some of her pull to get this thing moving. Miss Patty says she has her own remodeling to do on her studio, so she's saving her pull for herself. She runs off. ["The studio is historical? It's just a barn!" -- Wing Chun] Taylor asks Lorelai for a consultation. He says that the porch is falling apart and is filled with termites. Lorelai says it's the first thing that's going to go. Taylor says they can't get rid of the porch, because it's historical. Lorelai points out that the porch is only twenty-three years old: "Unless you think Kate Hudson is historical, it's not historical." Taylor says that things can't get historical if everyone rips stuff up after twenty years. He suggests that Lorelai build a bridge (up to code, of course) that people can use to get over the dangerous porch, or she can build a Lucite porch over the porch, so that people can see the porch without stepping on it. Lorelai grabs Taylor by the neck and almost kills him. "Lorelai! Careful, I have church later," Taylor says. She screams and yells and demands to know what she has to do to get him to leave her alone. Taylor quickly says he wants an ice-cream truck. He needs her to use her pull to convince Luke to let him use the parking space in front of the diner. ["Why would he need to park his ice-cream truck in front of his own ice-cream shoppe?" -- Wing Chun] Lorelai says she'll get Luke to agree, and then Taylor'll leave her alone. Taylor calls everyone back to the van. "Unbelievable," Michel says. I'll say. Sookie informs us that Lorelai is taking a shortcut to Luke's which goes over a river or something.
Luke's. Lorelai says eight million words to tell Luke that she had to jump a river or something to get him to agree to let Taylor park an ice-cream truck in front of the diner so that she can start work on the Dragonfly. She threatens to kill herself. Luke's casually making a smoothie, so I figured all of this lameness of plot was to get Lorelai over to Luke's in the morning so that she and Luke could talk to Dean. But, no. Luke casually agrees to let Taylor park wherever, because it will be on the street outside and not in his diner, and Lorelai can't believe that Taylor never even bothered asking Luke in the first place, and put her through all that bullshit for nothing. She says she's figured out something about business today -- that it's not about being nice, but about screwing people over and getting what you want out of people as quickly as possible, by any means necessary. Oh, but I do believe you knew that lesson long ago, didn't you, Lorelai?
Luke brings the smoothie to Dean, who's awake. Since he's never been there before, he had to look out the window after he woke up to figure out where he was. Dean says he had too many beers last night. Luke says it happens. There's much small talk about how Dean is getting married today. They don't talk about Rory. Dean says he's got to go pick up his tux and get to the church in an hour. He thanks Luke for everything, and then leaves to the strummy sound. Luke wishes him good luck.
Rory and Lane walk through the town, wondering where all the good musicians are for Lane's band. Lane says she's off to the music store to look at things she can't afford. Rory says she has to go get ready for the wedding, which starts in ten minutes. Luke comes out of the diner as Lane leaves. He asks for Lorelai. Rory says she's probably out getting Dean's wedding gift. Luke asks if she has her cell. Rory says it's probably dead. She says they can stop by after Dean's wedding. Luke tells Rory not to go to Dean's wedding. He says she really shouldn't go, and asks her to trust him on that: "It'd just be better this way." Rory says she won't go, without an explanation, which means she really didn't want to go, I guess. Luke leaves, and so does Rory.
Kirk finds Lorelai, who's holding Dean's wedding gift, to tell her that the alarm has been disconnected, and that the roofer will be out tomorrow to fix the damage. He apologizes for the inconvenience and brags that he has a strong sense of chivalry when it comes to women living alone, because his family tree dates back to a 12th-century knight. As a kid, he thought that meant he was related to Ted Knight: "I wrote a lot of letters. He never responded." He says he wanted Lorelai to feel safe, so he hopes she doesn't mind. Lorelai sure doesn't, so she leans over and gives Kirk a kiss on the cheek. Aw, man. They're so dating now, in Kirk's eyes. Way to go, Lor. Rory finds Lorelai. Lorelai tells her that she found the perfect present for Dean, and Rory informs her that they're not going to the wedding because Luke said they shouldn't. Lorelai says she'll go talk to him, but Rory says she shouldn't. She says that Luke was kind of upset, and that it's better that they don't go to the wedding. As Rory and Lorelai walk home, Kirk follows them "in a little clown-y car."
Michel is taking pictures of the Dragonfly. Lorelai and Sookie hold sledgehammers, and are going to pretend to be demolishing the porch. I say: "I bet Sookie's going to lift that hammer and her water will break." My boyfriend asks: "Why do you think that?" Me: "Because I'm not sure why else we've watched this entire episode. Wasn't this supposed to be about Dean and Rory? Not Taylor and Lorelai. It's got to be the labor episode. One thing ends, another begins, blah blah." But, no. They just take the picture. And Lorelai gives a speech about how it's not that the inn is a part of their lives now; it's that, for a short time, they are a part of the inn's life. That camera, tossed on the Jeep hood, is taking a picture of their torsos.
Dean's wedding is over. Thanks. We can't really see who attended the wedding, but they're filing toward the tables, around the gazebo. From the other end of the town square, Rory watches, leaning beside a tree. She's got a bitter taste in her mouth. We see Dean and his new bride walk past the cheering crowd (not a single recognizable townie in attendance). They pose for pictures. Rory doesn't cry, but looks uncomfortable, like something's missing, or lost. That could have been her up there. And maybe that's not what she wants, but now it's something that's never even an option anymore. Her life has changed, and she and Dean have done in different directions. But that's okay. Because Gilmore Girls loves nothing more than breaking up a marriage.
week: Dean, schmean! Rory's a datin' machine!