How is Paris neither the valedictorian nor the salutatorian?
We open with the mark of Daniel Palladino: the Troubadour, singing a song about a Peace Train. Lorelai and Rory, loaded down with their European backpacks, shove the Troubadour out of their way, calling him "Peace Boy."
Inside Luke's, we see that other guy who is sometimes Cesar, when Cesar doesn't have any lines. Lorelai halts the "wuss patrol." The girls throw down their backpacks and complain about how heavy they are. Lorelai doesn't even want to backpack across Europe now that she knows how heavy backpacking across Europe is. Lorelai was picturing spry, accommodating, mustachioed men who would carry their backpacks for them. She's glad her new walking shoes are now broken in. Luke chastises Lorelai for trying to take her shoes off in his diner. Lorelai says she doesn't see a "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" sign. Luke declares himself the sign, and asks them if they can move their backpacks. Rory whines that they can't. Luke moves them himself, so Lorelai asks him to grow a mustache and follow them around Europe. Luke says he already has travel plans of his own: he's going on a cruise up to Alaska with Nicole. Doesn't it take a very long time to drive across Canada over to the coast? I'm just guessing. ["It would probably take them about five days, if they were stopping every night and not driving straight through. Glark and his dad once made it from Los Angeles to southern Ontario in eighteen hours, without stopping." -- Wing Chun] Luke might want to close the diner for more than two weeks. Also: since when does Luke close his diner for anything? Lorelai teases Luke for getting so intimate with Nicole, and asks if he plans to propose. Luke does not plan on proposing, and didn't realize a cruise was such an intimate affair. Lorelai thinks that after spending a few hours on The Love Boat, and one too many mojitos from Issac, he might be singing a different tune. Luke tells them to drop it. Lorelai begins singing the different tune again -- the one that starts, "The Love Boat!" She tells Luke that if he had a radio in his diner, she wouldn't have to sing songs.
Luke changes the subject by asking Rory if her graduation is still Wednesday at 4. Rory tells him again that he doesn't have to come. Luke says he wants to, since feels like he went through Chilton with her over the past three years. Rory says she wants him there, and is glad he's coming. Lorelai and Rory decide they aren't hungry anymore, so they go home to rest. Luke asks them to not leave their backpacks at the restaurant. Rory tells him to store them for him, avoiding the great joke: "Put them where Jess used to be." Lorelai promises that they'll hire a flatbed truck to haul them away. I'll bet they could hire Kirk to wear a mustache and follow them around Europe. Lorelai and Rory leave, bickering over which one should have to carry the other. Luke raises his hands, wishing there was a joke or a moment to end this scene on, but...no. Opening credits.
Sookie and Lorelai stand outside the Dragonfly. They yell for Luke to hurry up and get out of there. Luke walks out and complains that he walked right into a cobweb. Lorelai and Sookie feign sympathy for .02 seconds and then ask for the story on the inn. Luke says it's not so bad. Sookie and Lorelai are sure that means it's also not so good. The floors need work. The roof is fine, but needs some shingles replaced. Kirk yells from the top floor that he hasn't yet found any mold, which he terms "silent death." Kirk tells us how Ed McMahon's dog suffered memory loss because of the mold in his house. Kirk neglects to mention how ol' Ed sued the companies that were supposed to rid his house of mold for millions of dollars. And he won. Is it weird that my spellcheck knows the name "Ed McMahon"? I think so. Luke tells Lorelai that they're going to have to spend money to fix the inn, but that it won't be a money pit. Sookie and Lorelai celebrate their good fortune. I don't know why Lorelai still hasn't brought up the whole "I can't pay for the inn because Rory has to go to Yale" thing. Luke says they could probably have the inn up and running in five months. Sookie says that's plenty of time to have the Independence find their replacements. If the Independence Inn is so close to her heart, how come Lorelai doesn't mind opening an inn that's in direct competition? And why wouldn't she want to start it with Mia, the woman who raised her, and who gave her and Rory a chance when nobody else would? Kirk runs from the house screeching: he found a mouse.
Chilton. A girl gives her farewell to the videocamera, talking about how close she was with everyone at Chilton, including the janitorial staff. Paris impatiently waits nearby. Rory reminds Paris that people get a little nostalgic at these graduation things. Paris asks Rory how her valedictorian speech is going. Rory tries to blow past the subject, so Paris tells her that she's not upset about Rory beating her for valedictorian. And salutatorian, I say again. Paris has done some research, and found out that most valedictorians who went on to Ivy League schools then went on to less-than-stellar futures. She lists off some of her findings, including business failures, suicides, divorces, obesity, and car crashes: "One suffocated when his cat fell asleep on his face." Rory thanks Paris for the info. Louisa props a leg up on the chair and tells the "AV geek" to pan up her body, since this will be the best she ever looks in her life. Paris pushes Louisa out of the way and announces, "AV geek? I'm going to need six minutes." The AV geek tells her she's only allowed two. Paris launches into her six-minute speech.
Independence Inn. Michel and Sookie are behind the desk. "I hate this," Michel drones. Sookie explains to us that they currently only have one guest, since the rest of the Inn is still under construction from the fire. Again I wonder, why do they still have a gourmet chef on the books when they don't have a kitchen? Michel complains that he pulled towel duty today, and that it's awful when you know exactly who those towels belonged to: "It's his mites on those towels." He says it's degrading. Sookie complains about her deteriorating chef skills. Michel wishes for mental stimulation. Sookie wishes she could fry a dead animal in a skillet. "I should have been a dancer," Michel moans. "My mother put me in dance school and I rebelled. I wanted to kick the football. I should not have." Sookie says that Michel looks like a duck when he dances. I hope Lorelai plans to hire Michel at her inn, because if this is the last episode for Michel, I will cry. Michel tells Sookie he's getting mighty sick of her. They bicker over towels. They bicker about the guest. Sookie keeps saying the word "stupid" over and over again until Lorelai walks up and scolds them for arguing in front of their one guest. Sookie won't stop, and teases Michel again for wanting to be a dancer. Michel asks how long they can keep the Inn up when most of the rooms are closed, they have one guest, he's doing "mite towels," and the owner's son is walking around wearing a frown while he evaluates things. Lorelai says that John, the owner's son, is only there to figure out what renovations need to be done so they can open up all the closed rooms. She tells them to stop worrying. Michel and Sookie just abandon the front desk together in an awkwardly directed moment.
The phone rings, and Lorelai answers it. It's Emily, who wants to know if they'll be sitting together at the graduation. Lorelai takes her sweet time "thinking it over" and then says that of course they'll be sitting together, since they're family. Emily says she knew that, but she wasn't sure if Lorelai remembered. Richard is also on the phone, and he wants to ask Lorelai about a gift for Rory. Richard narrates his walk toward the couch while talking on the phone, prompting Lorelai to joke that this is like the days of radio. Once Richard and Emily are seated together, they ask Lorelai if they can buy Rory a car for graduation. This is suddenly not a problem for Lorelai, who doesn't mind this kind of extravagant gift because Rory will need a car to be able to drive all the way from Yale to Stars Hollow every single moment she's not in class. Lorelai concludes, "So it's really kind of a present for me, too." And therefore it's fine. Emily and Richard aren't amused that they're somehow giving Lorelai a gift. Lorelai asks them to not buy Rory a gas-guzzler, a Ferrari, or a Lamborghini. Lorelai says she'll maybe see them at the graduation. They hang up. Richard and Emily share a look.
John, the owner's son, walks up to Lorelai's front desk and begins rifling through a drawer. Lorelai tells him she just lied to her friends and co-workers by saying it wasn't a big deal that he's there. He says that they have to close off three more rooms, and that the estimate isn't pretty. Lorelai says they'll be left with only two rooms if they close off three more. "Mom's leaning toward selling," John says. Wouldn't Lorelai be close friends with John, since he would have been around the Inn while they were both growing up? Why do I always try to make this show fit all the rules, when they don't care? Lorelai says it'd be sad if the Inn closed, since Rory grew up there, as did Lorelai. Yeah, well, once you open your inn and take away the Independence's remaining clients, you'll be pretty much slamming the final nail into the coffin, won't you, Lor? ["Plus I think the jury's still out on whether Lorelai ever grew up." -- Wing Chun] John doesn't want to hear Lorelai's maudlin monologue, either, so he excuses himself back to his group. Lorelai tells him to be careful not to trip over their guest. He promises he won't, and we fade to commercial. I wish this episode were at least funny.
Why does Kate Hudson get to keep being in movies?
Jackson and Sookie's house. Lorelai interrupts their evening alone by shouting through their door that they'd better not be in bed. She's brought champagne to celebrate. Lorelai tells Sookie to get glasses and orders Jackson to put on any music he wants, as long as it's festive. Lorelai immediately negates Jackson's first two choices of festive music until he suggests something she likes. The music's on, the glasses are ready. Lorelai pours two glasses of champagne for herself and Jackson, and pours a glass of apple juice for Sookie. They raise their glasses, and Lorelai announces that the Independence Inn has just closed down. They're all out of jobs. Sookie and Lorelai have no income, and therefore Lorelai can't afford to pay for the Dragonfly, because somehow her weekly salary at the Independence was going to be enough to offset the cost of Yale, but without her five hundred bucks a week or so, now she can't afford to buy a building and put her daughter through an Ivy League school. Television money is awesome. I wish I had a television job, like Monica's sometimes-chef work that allows her to live in that kick-ass apartment with Chandler, who's interning. ["Hey! He has a real job now! He's a copywriter!" -- Wing Chun] Or Joey, who works every once in a while. ["Dude, he's on Days, remember?" -- Wing Chun] ["Yeah, now. But for the first million seasons he lived off Chandler and sandwiches. And how much does Phoebe charge by the hour, anyway?" --
Pamie] Or how Frasier lives in the richest apartment in Seattle by being a radio-show host. I write a weekly column here and I wrote a book. Can I have Carrie Bradshaw's brownstone and thirty-thousand-dollar closet of shoes? Anyway, the three pretend to still be super-happy as they drink their drinks and realize that they won't see each other as often and will have to find different jobs now that their dreams have died and a baby's on the way. You'd think Sookie and Lorelai would be happy to know the Inn has closed so there's no competition with their own inn. Why not take out a loan? Or see if Mia wants to be a part owner in their inn? I must stop caring so much. Do you think all this faux happiness is exactly how all the actors look after getting a script like this at a table read? Working so hard to pretend you're happy with the way things have turned out?
Townie alert! Taylor reads off his latest proposal, but he's been talking so long that the entire town hall has drifted off. He asks for all in favor and those opposed, but nobody raises a hand on either request. Gypsy gets her one line of the season here. She's sitting to CuteDean, who is without MrsDean. In fact, there's an empty chair to him. Babette tells Taylor that his voice always makes her think of her grocery list. She nudges Morey and tells him they need croutons. Taylor wants to talk about the deer population. The town groans, because they're sick of Taylor always complaining about the deer. Nobody wants to kill little Bambis, and the only person with an actual deer problem is Taylor, who has brought a photograph of his back yard (CuteDean is getting paid to help Taylor present Exhibit A (Kirk wants to know how much)) to show how the deer are eating crops. Taylor pretends not to have noticed that his example is a photograph of his back yard. Kirk suggests releasing a pack of wolves to eat the deer, because then all they'd have to worry about is the roving pack of wolves. Miss Patty pulls rank and declares the meeting adjourned and this topic postponed for another year. The townies file out.
Rory walks in and finds Lane, who tells Rory she's got to go because she's still grounded. She hands Rory a shopping bag full of photographs from her prom. It's a second-by-second photo essay of the evening. How sad is it that Rory didn't get to go to prom at all? And that we didn't get to see Lane go to prom? And that Lane is still so grounded that she's not going to be allowed to be at Rory's graduation? And that Lane's still going to that college she hates, but she doesn't seem upset about it? And that Dave didn't come to the town meeting to at least sit with Lane for the fifteen minutes she's allowed out of the house this week?
Anyway, this entire scene is so that CuteDean and Rory can be alone in Miss Patty's studio right now. CuteDean is still pissed off at Rory for not throwing him a bridal shower. Rory's solution is to offer him a few wedding tips she learned from the Inn. Like: make sure the photographer takes candid photographs along with posed shots. Brilliant. And don't give the ring to the ringbearer until the last second. CuteDean says it's been overwhelming, renting the hall and stuff. Rory then takes fifteen minutes making the two of them sit to each other before she hands him a Williams-Sonoma catalog, telling him to pick something so she can buy it. She's even highlighted things that he'll need, like everything. Hey, Rory? You think they might register for gifts? Anyway, CuteDean's stoked that Rory will buy him a set of knives, a blender, or some mixing bowls. He'll need that Swiss Army Knife on the set of Young MacGyver. CuteDean: make Rory buy you a bed. Hysterical! Rory tells CuteDean to figure out, with Lindsay, what he wants, and let Rory know so she can order it. The strummy-strummy-la-la music comes on here, just for me, I know, and I have to pause the TiVo because this is the saddest moment of the season for me. "Bye, Dean," Rory says. So much potential, so many opportunities lost. "Bye, Rory," CuteDean says. So many moments that were good and then it all kind of died, didn't it? Their love for each other, our love for them...it all dissolved in a sea of apathy. He was such a good character in the beginning, all strong and silent, supporting her and urging her to be a better person. Now he just seems kind of clueless and pathetic. Married. Whatever. Goodbye, CuteDean. I know I've prematurely wished you goodbye before, but I'm pretty sure this is it for you. Thanks for at one time being the boyfriend I wish I had. Get a haircut; stay in school. And don't wear long sleeves under a polo shirt again, please.
Sookie and Lorelai are pinning Rory's graduation gown to her. Rory mumbles a very long sentence about not being able to fit in the dress now that they've pinned it. Sookie moans that she should go, since she has a "stupid" job interview tomorrow morning. It sounds like it's for a much better job than the one she has: if she got it, she'd be an executive chef four nights a week. Sookie says she can't imagine working somewhere else. Rory's all, "What are you guys talking about?" and once again she finds out that Lorelai was keeping information from her. Sookie excuses herself as Lorelai sits and tells Rory they're not buying the Dragonfly. Why did they put that weird gray cardigan over Rory's pretty pink dress? Rory tells Lorelai that she should use the rest of Richard's money (funny, I thought it was Lorelai's money) to pay for the inn, and they'll scrimp by. "They"? Rory, you just graduated. You are on your own, sister. Have fun getting a jobby-job. Lorelai confesses to Rory that they didn't get financial aid, and then explains to Rory why Yale didn't give them financial aid (things we already know, so I don't have to recap them here). Rory says she doesn't want that money to pay for Yale. She says she'll take out a student loan. Lorelai doesn't want Rory to graduate college deep in debt, like the rest of us had to do. Rory says she'll change her major to Business or Engineering to make sure she'll graduate to a great job that'll make her tons of money. Yes, I heard that amused, jaded, cynical "Ha!" from all of you graduates out there. Lorelai tells Rory she's not allowed to change her degree from Journalism, something so many of you angry Ivy Leaguers were complaining about on the forums, saying that Harvard and Yale wouldn't offer an undergraduate journalism degree. Lorelai tells Rory that she'll need to work as an intern or Tom Brokaw's toupee straightener when she gets out of college. Rory says there has to be another way. Lorelai says there isn't, and promises to have an inn of her own someday, but Yale comes first. Rory storms out of the room, saying she's off to "rail at God for a while." Lorelai takes a second before she says, "Tell her I said hi."
Love how they used that second in the midway teaser to make it look like Rory and Lorelai were in a fight. Not that there has been a second of actual conflict in this episode. But then really, that's the only thing that has actually happened in thirty minutes. They summed up the entire episode in Lorelai saying the money was paying for college, Rory saying no, and then Lorelai calling out Rory's name. What is driving this thing? The promise of the end of the season? Waiting for Rory's speech? I am so bored!
Lorelai is standing over a living room's worth of clothes, complaining that her packing elves didn't show up in the middle of the night to pack. Hey, here's an idea: if you don't have any money? Don't go flying to Europe. Rory holds up a black turtleneck and asks what Lorelai thinks. "You hate the graduation dress I made you that much?" Ba-dum-bum. And when does Lorelai sew? And...I'm stopping now. They decide that the turtleneck is perfect for Europe, since it's black and will hide the dirt and wrinkles. Rory says they both need to cut weight from their packs. She says that Lorelai doesn't need five pairs of boots. Lorelai says she'll drop some boots if Rory drops some books. Rory says she needs all of her books. Rory tells Lorelai she doesn't need so many panties (she calls them "undergarments," but since I'm a real human being, I say "panties" or "underwear"), since they'll be rinsing in Woolite every few days. Lorelai is grossed out at her panty future. Rory asks why Lorelai is bringing three full tubes of toothpaste. Lorelai says she needs a back-up one in case she loses a tube. Rory says she can bring twelve books and a dictionary if Lorelai needs three tubes of toothpaste. Lorelai threatens to bring a gallon of mercury, since it's so heavy. They decide to cancel the trip, and Rory's off to graduation, saying she loves her dress. I'd love it more if she took off that cardigan. The trip is back on when the girls agree to nine books for two toothpastes. Whew! I was worried.
Richard and Emily bicker on their way to the door, wondering who could be on the other side of it. Emily decided not to look like a mermaid after all, but instead to look like she's deep-sea diving with Cher. She's in this periwinkle sparkly disaster. It has a brooch. Rory is at the door, asking to discuss a "time-sensitive" issue. Richard and Emily pull Rory into their home.
In the living room, Emily says that they were just getting ready for the ceremony. Shouldn't Rory be in school, then? It's Wednesday afternoon. And who graduates in the middle of the day on a weekday? Anyway, Richard complains about his tie. Rory asks them to sit. Emily asks if they should be nervous. Rory says they shouldn't, but that she is. She asks for money for Yale. She says the financial aid didn't come through and she has no other options. ["Hello, student loan? Any number of bursaries and grants and scholarships she could apply for that don't originate at Yale? Please. She has other options." -- Wing Chun] Rory asks for a loan for four years of Yale; meanwhile, she'll take a part-time job and pay them back in installments. Bwah! I love how Yale can be paid back on a part-time job/installment system. Rory says that after she graduates, the payments will increase with interest in proportion to her salary. That's my favorite part. If I were allowed to pay my student loan in proportion to my salary, they'd pretty much just call it even and let me go. I was paying my student loan while I was on unemployment for six months, because I'll be damned if I'm going to keep paying this thing off when I'm in my forties. Rory adds the additional disclaimer that she will reinstate Friday-night dinners and promises to be at their house every Friday at 7. Emily and Richard are happy to hear that. They say that they've missed each other. Emily says they're happy to do it, but Richard says he doesn't want it to be a loan. Rory says it must be a loan. "Otherwise it's too easy." Aw, isn't she just the BEST?! Richard counteroffers by insisting that she not pay him back until five years after she graduates and seven years if she goes to graduate school. This means that Rory won't even start paying back Richard until I've already paid off the two years of loans I took out on a state school with in-state tuition and fees. Unbelievable. Rory agrees, asking to pay interest. Richard will not let her. They agree to the phenomenal loan. Richard tells Rory that if journalism doesn't work out, she should come and work for him with her negotiating skills. Yeah, they were really something, weren't they? "You give me tens of thousands of dollars for the four years and I promise to visit you and start giving you the money back sometime in the decade." DEAL! Rory excuses herself. Emily asks if Lorelai knows she's there. "No," Rory says, beaming. "This is my thing." Like mother, like daughter. Everyone needs to borrow money from the Gilmores. Rory says she'll see them at the graduation, and leaves. Richard and Emily are more than happy to have Rory in their debt once again. And there's a car coming too, Rory. Enjoy your life of privilege. I'm fixin' to go refill my gallon of water from those quarter filter machines.
Chilton. Seven people have come to the sad-ass graduation ceremony. There were more people at Lorelai's ditched wedding. Lorelai calls them the Chilton equivalent of 50 Cent's posse. I see now why it was hard to get graduation tickets, since they were only allowing in half a person per graduating student. Rory, of course, can get as many as she wants. Not that it matters, since her father and her best friend didn't bother to show up. Or anyone else from Stars Hollow, for that matter, other than Luke. Wouldn't this have been a great time to at least introduce Rory's new sister? Lorelai and Sookie tease Jackson and Luke for talking about the old building's construction and insurance costs. Sookie screams across the lawn for the boys to join them. Lorelai calls Emily and Richard "Picklepuss and Sauerkraut." Luke and Jackson debate the stones in the building until Sookie calls Jackson "Bob Vila." Lorelai makes a vow not to make fun of any of the kids because inevitably their parents will be seated right to them. Sookie shivers and remembers the "big-eared Romeo fiasco of '98." Now, did they mean when Brad played Romeo? Because that was 2001. Lorelai gets a page from Rory and excuses herself. Jackson and Luke keep discussing the insurance on the place.
Paris is overjoyed that Nanny brought her three children. Paris's parents, however, didn't attend the ceremony. Paris coos to the children in Portuguese, and tells the oldest boy he's looking like Antonio Banderas. Lorelai stops another student and begins harassing her about Rory, bragging that she's the mother of the valedictorian. Rory walks over and saves the girl we've never met before. Rory pulls Lorelai five feet away where it's somehow more appropriate to have this scene.
Out in the safety of the hallway, Rory beams and tells Lorelai she's getting her inn. She tells Lorelai to go put in the bid. She says that Richard and Emily are paying for Yale. Lorelai isn't happy about this at all, but Rory is determined. Rory says that they didn't approach her, but she approached them: "It's a done deal." Lorelai tells Rory that the Gilmores do nothing altruistically, and that strings are always attached. Rory says there are no strings this time, except she's got to go to Friday-night dinners forever. Lorelai: "Um, hello. Pinocchio, those are strings!" Rory says this was her idea and she only obligated herself, not Lorelai. Sure. It's because of Lorelai that Emily and Richard are paying for Yale. She should be thankful, or at least grateful, and again, she should have to come to at least some of the dinners. Rory says she doesn't want Lorelai to defer her dream. Lorelai says that Rory shouldn't have done this behind her back. Rory says that Yale is her thing, and that she got the money she needed. Lorelai calls the Gilmores "master manipulators." Rory says this was her idea, and that she was the one doing the manipulating. Lorelai says her parents will certainly make Lorelai attend the Friday-night dinners too, so that she can be with Rory. If she wants to see her daughter on the weekends, she'll have to go: "They're getting exactly what they want!" How is Rory ever going to have a boyfriend, a life, or any semblance of self if she has to come home every weekend and have exactly the same life she had in high school? Rory says that everybody's getting what they want, and that it's a "win-win-win" situation. Lorelai says that even if it is, she wishes that just once she got what she wanted, Rory got what she wanted, and the Gilmores got nothing at all. There's the Lorelai we know, right? Evil, spiteful and hateful. Ah, the Daniel Palladino Lorelai: a woman none of us would want to know. Rory says she's got to go start the ceremony, but that Lorelai should go buy the inn.
Outside Chilton, Lorelai finds Emily and Richard sitting by themselves. She asks why they haven't joined Sookie. Emily wasn't sure if the seating issue was resolved. There is much discussion here about whether Lorelai changed her mind about sitting together. Lorelai doesn't bring up the loan, and neither do the Gilmores, but clearly everyone knows that nobody's happy with what just happened. Eventually, Lorelai just walks away, and the Gilmores follow her. A woman in the back is dressed in the most hideous white turtleneck.
Some of these people didn't bother dressing up in the slightest. Lorelai comes back to her row with her parents. Everybody says hello. Richard asks where Christopher is. Lorelai says he's out of town, but that he wants tons of pictures (that Lorelai doesn't appear to be taking), and he wants to order the official video. Way to phone in fatherhood once again, Chris. Richard and Emily look as unamused as I am. Lorelai sits down. From this angle, it looks like she's wearing a red negligee. She tells Sookie that they can now put a bid on the Dragonfly, adding that she can't go into it now. Sookie says she's been depressed for days, but that she'll go call the attorney right now. Sookie stumbles and stammers past a row full of people, instead of just walking in front of Lorelai, Richard, and Emily. She apologizes and trips, beaming with happiness, forgetting to inform her husband of the life-changing decision she's about to make. Lorelai asks Emily and Richard why they're keeping an empty seat between them. There is much discussion about it until Emily and Richard move over. Emily complains that the man in front of her is extraordinarily tall. Lorelai sighs as we fade to commercial.
Okay. The Shick Intuition. This commercial is so insulting. Do they really think girls are so incapable of managing the whole "can of shaving cream" and "holding a razor " thing that they had to package it together for our pretty little heads to understand? What's with all those women like, "Whoopsie! I dwopped my wayzor again! I spwayed myself in the eye with this man stuff! I wish someone would help me!"
Graduation. Finally. Seven Chilton students in the graduating class take their seats. Paris is bragging about Nanny's children, and how one of them is really good at bowling.
Sookie trips back in along the row of people, promising that she was here before most of them and it only looks like she's late. She sits down and says she left a message with the real estate agent. She asks if Rory already walked in. Lorelai points her out as sitting in front of the kid with the humongous...cute kid. Sookie moans that she meant to get a picture of Rory walking in. Sookie now walks in front of all those people again, tripping and stammering, camera out, bragging that she's with the valedictorian.
Do you know my parents almost missed my graduation and so they couldn't get a good seat? Instead, they walked to where the police barrier was at the front of the Astrodome and stood behind the stage, taking pictures? My friend to me was like, "Hey, Pam? Those people with the cops, isn't that your family?" So I'm feeling it for Rory here as Sookie is like Austin Powers with a camera in front of everyone, interrupting the ceremony to take a picture of Rory sitting down. Headmaster Charleston blah blahs on about how great this class has been. He asks Student Body President Paris Gellar to lead the class in the Pledge of Allegiance. Paris tells Rory that she couldn't get the Headmaster to let her change the parts of the pledge she didn't agree with, so she's going to use air quotes instead. I wish we got to see that.
Rory turns and waves to her family and friends. From six rows away, they wave back.
Brad, I guess, is salutatorian, and he gives his speech, culminating in his a cappella rendition of "Cherish." It's pretty much Joe singing "The Greatest Love of All," but without any of the support from the audience. I'll miss Brad, too.
Headmaster Charleston introduces Rory as "Rory Gilmore," which isn't really her name, but whatever. He calls her humble, hardworking, competitive when need be, and unparalleled in her academic achievements. Rory takes the podium.
Sookie and Lorelai promise they won't cry at all so that they don't miss anything due to tears. Jackson promises not to cry. Luke says he won't cry at all.
Rory uses her usual monotone speech voice, and for some reason the audience laughs at her lame jokes. "Go back!" No, I'm kidding. She didn't say that. But you know, she totally did. Rory says she has two worlds that she lives in. One is a world of books, where she goes to all of these places and meets all these strange characters. It's a little depressing, because you know it means Rory doesn't have that many friends. Rory then says her other world is filled with her grandparents and her mother. She says her grandparents are kind, decent, and generous. They are her twin pillars: "But my ultimate inspiration comes from my best friend, the dazzling woman from whom I received my name and my life's blood. Lorelai Gilmore."
Lorelai and Sookie are crying now.
Rory says that Lorelai filled her house with love and fun and books and music, giving her role models from Jane Austen to Eudora Welty to Patti Smith. She never let Rory think she couldn't be anything she wanted her to be. Rory says the person she most wanted to be was Lorelai.
Sookie says they're crying a little, but they're not blubbering.
"Thank you, Mom. You are my guidepost for everything."
Jackson and Luke are now blubbering too. The rest of the mostly-male audience is holding it together just fine. "Well, my last name isn't Gilmore, and I'm not a book, so I don't know this girl," they think.
Whoa. Someone at Chilton was named "Allegra Grace Fass." What an unfortunate name, y'all. ["It's probably a shout-out to Patricia Fass Palmer, who is or was a GG producer." -- Wing Chun] Paris (I just now noticed how Gellar and Gilmore would be near each other. They must have done that on purpose, and I love them for that) is complaining about how long this is taking, and how she never knew there were so many in their class. She stops the girl who was harassed by Lorelai earlier and asks, "Hey! What's your name? What's your story?"
Lorelai and Emily can't find Rory to take pictures. Jackson asks Richard how much it would cost to insure Chilton. Richard says a bunch of words I don't understand. Luke and Jackson keep talking until Lorelai tells them to pay attention, since Rory's coming up. I love how they will talk through anything. Sookie stands up to get a closer shot and once again bothers a row of people. One of the students has the middle name of "Pamela." Sookie steps on someone's foot and says, "I suck. Sorry." Heh.
Poor Paris has the middle name of Eustace. She goes up and gets her diploma, telling Headmaster Charleston that there are no hard feelings. She smiles. Nanny and her family wave, all smiles.
"Lorelai Leigh Gilmore." Emily beams to Lorelai, "She looks so solemn." That's a good thing? "Like a Gilmore," Richard agrees. Wait, that's a good thing? Rory gets her diploma and makes a face at Lorelai, who makes a face back. Emily scolds Lorelai. "I taught her everything I know," Lorelai says.
Sookie comes back, stepping on everyone in the row again. She whispers something to Lorelai. Lorelai giggles and says she needs a pen. She asks Luke for his order-taking pen again. Luke tells her she has to stop assuming he takes pens with him everywhere. Richard kind of disses Luke here by handing Lorelai a pen, saying, "Never be without a pen." Lorelai thanks him and scribbles something on Emily's program. Good thing the H-Z students don't care if anyone gets to hear them graduate. Lorelai holds up the scribbled piece of paper. You can barely make out that it says, "WE GOT THE INN!!" because Lorelai's bending it and there's a glare and it's all skinny, but whatever. They somehow got the inn in fifteen minutes on a Wednesday afternoon while the realtor was out because who the hell else would be bidding on this thing besides Mia who's about to sell the inn where Rory grew up that somehow has no sentimental value to Lorelai anymore. Lorelai keeps sticking her tongue out at Rory, a facial expression that now has no meaning anymore, and tells Emily she's going to do it another six times. The guy seated in front of Lorelai looks like he's about to punch her. After Headmaster Charleston announces the graduation of a girl with the last name of Hicks, he declares the graduation ceremony over and everyone throws up his or her cap.
Post-graduation, Rory finds Lorelai and Luke and asks about her speech. Lorelai says it made everyone cry, including Luke. Luke says he's got to get back to the diner, but first, he congratulates Rory. He executes a much more impressive hug. Rory leaves. Lorelai thanks Luke for coming, since he's the only dad she really has. She tells him to have fun on his trip. Luke says he and Nicole may not go, since things are kind of weird. Lorelai asks if it's her fault. Yes, Lorelai. All relationship problems are because of you. Luke says he was thinking, and that it's a commitment to go on the cruise, and he doesn't want to lead Nicole on. Lorelai says that if he likes Nicole, then he should go. Luke asks if she thinks that's okay considering...everything. Clearly, Luke is asking Lorelai if she likes him enough that he shouldn't continue things with Nicole, since he's only dating her because Lorelai isn't dating him. But Lorelai isn't supposed to understand this, for some reason, so she pushes Luke into Nicole's arms. Luke is disappointed and says he'll probably go, then: "I guess I was just nervous about nothing." Lorelai says she thinks that, too. Luke says he'll see her in a couple of months. He doesn't tell her to have fun in Europe, though. Lorelai watches Luke leave and gets all distant.
Paris finds Rory and says goodbye. Rory says she wanted to say goodbye, too. Paris wishes Rory good luck. Rory says that most of the time, she really hated Paris. Paris agrees. They hug. This had better not be the goodbye. I know Paris is going to Yale. Because this is not the goodbye that should have been written for them, and most of the time they didn't hate each other, and Rory is Paris's only real friend, and there should be tears or something. Lorelai, Emily, and Richard swoop in as Paris leaves and say it's time for Rory's graduation present. Richard says it's the one with the bow on it. Angle on row of new cars, all with bows. Richard says it was the only car out there when he drove it up. Rory thinks it's amazing that they bought her a car, and she gives them each a one-armed hug. They bought her a Prius, and then they make a small Prius advertisement, saying it's the one Leonardo DiCaprio drives. Rory thanks them and hugs them again. She says she loves them; they say they love her too. Rory promises to call about insurance when she gets home. Too bad she's leaving on a jet plane in the morning. Richard congratulates Rory and thanks her for her speech. Emily wishes them fun in Europe. She asks when they get back. "The 27th," Lorelai says. "Terrific," Emily smiles. "We'll see you that Friday for dinner." Richard and Emily leave. Lorelai asks to have the win-win-win thing explained again. These last fifteen minutes are taking forever! Rory's cell phone goes off, but nobody talks once she answers. Lorelai tells us that Rory's been getting a lot of those kinds of calls lately. The phone rings again, and Rory runs into the building to answer it, since the best place to get cell-phone reception is inside a stone mansion.
Rory tells Jess she knows it's him on the phone, so she decides to have a little rant, wrapping up two years of tedium. She says he didn't handle things right at all. He could have talked to her or told her he wasn't going to graduate and that his dad was there. So he didn't take her to prom or come to her graduation and left without telling her. Rory says that's fine and she can understand it, but it's over. Oh, really, Rory? Now it's over? Were you still his girlfriend five minutes ago? Rory says she's leaving for Europe tomorrow and going to Yale and she's not looking back. She won't pine for him. "I think...I think I may have loved you but I...I just need to let it go." Yeah. Then she actually says, "So...that's it! I guess. Um. I hope you're good. I want you to be good. And um, okay, so goodbye. That word sounds really lame and stupid now but there it is. Goodbye." That girl has learned absolutely nothing, and if Jess had said a word just then she'd be flying to Venice, California with her backpack instead of to the Venice in Italy.
Jess, emotionless, hangs up the phone and walks away from my direction. There is much rejoicing. Yay.
Lorelai finds Rory and asks if she's okay. Lorelai pulls Rory deep into Chilton for one more stop.
Luke's diner. Lorelai walks in and says that Rory's out in the car. Luke says it was a nice ceremony; Lorelai agrees. She says she needs to say something in case they don't see each other before he goes on his trip: "Don't get engaged." Luke asks why, but Lorelai just walks out of the diner...
...and then Luke wakes up. He leans forward and sighs. Dude, Luke. It's like, 5:30 in the afternoon. You work too hard.
Lorelai pulls Rory through the empty halls of Chilton. Rory is protesting. Why did they bother making her that dress when she's still wearing her gown over it? I had to take my gown off the second I graduated -- we rented them and the company was right there to check off our names so we didn't steal them. Speaking of crimes, Lorelai wants Rory to carve their (THEIR!) initials into the halls of Chilton. Lorelai doesn't have a knife, so she finds a safety pin. She's looking for a good spot to leave a permanent mark of Rory's years in Chilton. Rory doesn't want to do this, mostly because she knows our forum wouldn't stop being outraged about it until October. Every place that Lorelai suggests, Rory tells her the history -- the marble is over 200 years old and Harriet Beecher Stowe walked on it; the banister was donated by Robert Frost; the sconce was lit for the first time by Thomas Edison. Rory says Lorelai could carve their initials very tiny on the baseboard in reverse so nobody figures out it was them. Lorelai says it's probably not such a good idea after all. Sookie is suddenly at the top of some stairs, asking if they're coming, since there's a party back at their place. Rory asks if Lorelai's really throwing a party; Lorelai says it's just a few people. Stars Hollow doesn't throw a gala event to celebrate their queen? Amazing! Lorelai tells Rory to look around for a second. "Notice?" Rory: "Notice what?" Lorelai: "It's not so scary anymore." Rory: "No. It's not." The strummy-strummy takes us out, and there's nothing new until the fall. Sorry. If you wanted a real cliffhanger, go watch The West Wing. This show concluded like Dawson kissing Buffy goodnight.