At the end of this recap I will post the email I recently received concerning a dream about Gustave and me. Stay tuned.
Previously: Richard gave Lorelai money. Jess met his dad. Yelling, yelling, yelling, yelling, yelling. Jess skipped town.
At Fran's bakery, Lorelai and Rory discuss phrases they may or may not need to learn in foreign tongues for their upcoming trip to Europe, like "Does Antonio Banderas live near here?" Lorelai knows that in France she'll need to know "Does Johnny Depp live hear here?" I hope Lorelai emails me that one when she learns it. Rory: "In Rome, does Gore Vidal live near here?" Lorelai: "You look like me, yet my ways are completely lost on you." Hee. Lorelai tells Rory to take a study break, but Rory reminds us all that she has finals coming up (since those mid-terms were two weeks ago), and has no time for other things, like the piece of pie sitting beside her. Lorelai wonders if she needs to know how to say "Help, I'm bleeding from the head." Rory says they'll just pack the phrase books, an idea Lorelai doesn't like. Lorelai doesn't want to lug around a bunch of heavy books. Does she not realize that Rory will probably go location reading -- reading books set in each city she's visiting? Rory takes a five-minute pie break (dirty!) as Lane enters. Lane has brochures from her college. She's really super-chipper about going to the Seventh-Day Adventist college MamaLane wants. She's decided to make the best of it by looking on the bright side of things, finding the silver lining, and making lemonade out of it. The girls agree that the campus is really pretty. Lane says that there are two huge parks with lakes (one park for boys, one for girls). The curfew is up to 9:30 PM -- 9:45 for Masters students. Makeup is permitted as long as it matches skin tone perfectly. Owning a Rolling Stones CD is no longer grounds for expulsion; you can work off the demerits in the campus clean-up crew. Lorelai: "There's a separate park for boys?" Lane: "My life is over." Lane takes the brochures back as the girls try to tell her that it's not that bad. I still don't really understand why Lane is doing this to herself. As Lane runs away, we can see where they pinned the back of her shirt to her pants so you couldn't see her body mic...or maybe her ass crack. The pants are a little low. Rory tells Lorelai that Lane's life isn't over. Lorelai says that every kid in the brochure looked panicked and awkward, like the Academy Award audience during Michael Moore's speech. Rory tells Lorelai to add the phrase "Just sit there and look pretty" to her list. Lorelai remembers another one: "Does that sexy guy in the Peugeot ad who had a small part in Armageddon live near here?" Rory keeps her mouth shut and we go to opening credits.
When I first graded this episode, I had watched it at seven in the morning, to avoid going to the gym and in order to get my recaplet in on time. I'm wondering if I really, really enjoyed the episode because I was barely awake and because it meant I wasn't on a treadmill. Let's see if the A holds up.
Lorelai quietly sneaks down her stairs in an outfit most women I know could never pull off. Damn that Lauren Graham and her perfection. Lorelai quietly begins making a pot of coffee. The following things are totally wrong about this frozen moment on my TiVo:
- Lorelai's coffee pot is the cleanest thing I've ever seen. Pristine. Shiny, white, and new. My coffee pot is the color of Willie Nelson's left lung. It's turned that brown shade because of daily use. Love is brown, people. Love is brown.
- As if Lorelai would shower, change, do her makeup and hair, and be fully pretty before having a cup of coffee. Let's get real, people.
- Lorelai doesn't have a coffee maker with a timer so that the coffee is already made when she wakes up. Lorelai isn't an amateur. If they wanted to get it right, this pot of coffee would be brewing to Lorelai's bathroom sink. ["And, one more: we know the girls have a water cooler in the kitchen, because one of CuteDean's jobs when he was dating Rory was to change the bottle. Why would Lorelai then make coffee with tap water -- on the other side of the room from the coffee maker -- and not the nice clean bottled water that's right beside the coffee maker?" -- Wing Chun]
Anyway, much like me this morning, Lorelai tiptoes over to the sink and tries to quietly fill the pot with water. But the water is super-loud, as water from a faucet is early in the morning. Lorelai squints and braces herself, trying to make it quieter by listening less to the noise. But as she tiptoes back to the coffee pot, Rory walks in, fully dressed in uniform and wide awake, shouting, "Hey!" Lorelai jumps and says that Rory scared her. Add to the list of wrongs: Rory's been "up for hours" and she hasn't made a pot of coffee either? What to the ever, peeps. Rory sits down to the kitchen table, which is loaded with study materials. Lorelai asks if Rory had a bad dream -- the one where Rory finally gets to meet Christiane Amanpour and she's really stupid. Ha. Rory says that at this rate, she will never finish all the work she has to do. Rory has a list of things to do before graduation. She has to study, attend a senior breakfast, finish the final edition of The Franklin, organize a new student government, convince Paris to give up the student gavel, and man the yearbook distribution table at the "Seniorpalooza." Nice touch, adding the "palooza" to everything like everyone does now. I hate it so much. Lorelai will be at the Booster table at the same time, so she offers to feel stupid and abused with Rory. Rory says she won't be able to finish all of her work and sleep. Lorelai says that Rory has to sleep: it's what keeps her pretty. Rory: "Who cares if I'm pretty if I fail my finals?" Lorelai: "Ugh, okay. You've got this so completely backwards."
Rory explains her multi-tiered studying system. She's got each book laid out in front of her, so that when she needs a break from one subject, she can effortlessly move on to the . Lorelai says that Rory's pushing herself too hard. Rory shows Lorelai her schedule, which accounts for every single moment of time she has until graduation. Lorelai points out that Rory forgot to schedule the Kiwanis luncheon on Monday. Apparently, Rory won a $250 scholarship from them (Lorelai: "That'll keep you in microwave popcorn for a week"), and she has to attend the awards luncheon. Rory tells Lorelai that Emily wants help picking out a dress for graduation. "No," Lorelai says. Rory says she has to go. Lorelai says that Emily has been dressing herself for years and has yet to show up to a function with her bra on the outside of her clothing. If Rory is this overworked, she doesn't need to schedule in time to play costumer to her grandmother. Lorelai makes a joke about koala bears and Rory asks Lorelai to stop making fun of the Kiwanis people because she needs every cent she can get: "Yale is expensive!" Over Rory's shoulder we see Luke in the back door window trying to get Lorelai's attention. As Rory babbles on about how they need to hear from Yale financial aid soon so they can put down the deposit on her dorm room (she's not living at home?), Luke plays a quick game of charades, showing that he'd like to talk to Lorelai, but he doesn't want Rory to know that he's there. Lorelai says she needs to go and get the paper. Rory warns Lorelai not to bring the paper near her, because she doesn't have any unscheduled recreational reading time. Lorelai tells Rory to move her "chill session" from 4 tomorrow afternoon to right about now.
Lorelai steps outside the house and makes a bad stalking joke. Luke says he needs to talk to her but doesn't want Rory to hear. Lorelai makes some more bad jokes and seems not to understand that Luke is upset. When Luke says "Jess is gone and I don't think he's coming back," Lorelai makes this face like she's trying not to smile really, really hard. She's trying to look concerned, but you can see the corners of her mouth rejoice. Luke says that Jess is "gone gone" -- that he left either the night or that morning. Luke went to get money out of the safe and saw that all of Jess's stuff is gone. Well, he had to have left yesterday morning, right? Because that's when Rory saw him on the bus on her way to school. So last night Luke didn't worry when Jess wasn't home all night? And he only noticed it today? Moving on. Luke says he's through with Jess now that he's eighteen, and that Jess can do whatever he wants. Luke says that Jess was driving him crazy, anyway, so now Jess can see how far his smart mouth can get him on his own: "I couldn't be more relieved." Luke says he's only concerned about Rory, and asks if she knows. Lorelai says that Rory hasn't said anything. Luke offers to tell her, but Lorelai says she'll tell Rory when the time is right. Not much of a boyfriend-girlfriend thing they have if one can disappear to the other side of the country and the other has to be told later by her mother or the guy who runs the diner. Luke warns Lorelai not to wait too long, since Rory might "notice eventually." You think? Lorelai thanks Luke for coming over. Luke takes a few moments, and then sighs, "I failed him." Lorelai tells Luke that he didn't fail Jess. He supported Jess, helped him, and fought for him. If Jess didn't take the chance that Luke offered, then it's Jess's problem, not Luke's. Luke says he should go. Lorelai asks if Luke has any idea where Jess went. Luke says he has a pretty good idea. He leaves, and Lorelai doesn't bother to ask where. You know, to tell her daughter or something.
As Lorelai walks back into the house Rory storms up and informs her that there is no chill time scheduled for 4 the day, and the one thing Rory doesn't have time for is Lorelai's jokes. Rory storms away, allowing Lorelai to say out loud, "Later's good."
Bus. It stops and someone walks off doing the tourist stance: head up, arms kind of out, in a wondering, wandering lost mode. Dude. You've got to love closed captioning. We just see Jess get off the bus carrying his duffel, but I get to read the letter Jess must have written to Rory that they decided to cut from the episode. I guess at one point there was a voice-over, and it went a little something like this: "So I was flipping through this copy of...and I realized it was yours. Guess if I ever finish this letter, I should send the book along with it. I'm sorry I left like I did, but I had to. I had to find out if there's someplace else where things are different. Where I'm different. I just want something...different." And then Jess turns the corner and clichéd surfer music cues up and we see Venice beach. Hey-- good call cutting the Jess voice-over, guys. That would have been some serious ultra-cheese.
So Jess walks down Venice Beach, amazed at all the strange locals. "I'll have the alfalfa sprouts and a plate of mashed yeast," Jess orders to himself. Look who hates different now.
"Catch a wave and you're sittin' on top of the world," the song kicks in, and Jess stares at the horizon. The sun is starting to set, and Jess must be pretty stinky in that leather and hoodie get-up. If this is our look into the Jess spinoff world, be prepared to Oedipus Rex yourself. Jess stands on the beach while surfer music continues, and children do cartwheels around him in the sand. The extras must be freezing their asses off as they play in the sand, sunbathe, and walk past Jess, who remains motionless, looking like a total tool. Also: I love how pale and pasty all of those sunbathing extras are. Yep, it's April in Los Angeles, and not one person has been near a beach in nine months. Nice farmer tan, Dude Playing Frisbee. Okay, I'm starting to lower my grade down to a B.
Goodbye, Dawson's Creek. Thanks for giving me the best job I ever had. Without you, we wouldn't be here.
Gilmore house. Lorelai checks mail to strummy-strummy-la-la. Riveting! Lorelai throws the envelope on the ground to read her mail. Litterbug!
Lorelai is on the phone, calling up the Yale financial aid office. It seems that she received a letter informing her that Rory isn't qualified to receive financial aid, since Lorelai recently came into a large sum of money. Lorelai explains that she already gave that money away to her parents because she owed it to them (Man, Chilton's expensive!) and now she doesn't have any of that money. So, how's that inn looking, Lorelai? Weren't you supposed to have bought that, like, yesterday? Anyway, Yale doesn't really care that Lorelai can't afford to send Rory to their school. Maybe it's because Lorelai tells Yale that Rory really wanted to get into Harvard, originally. Welcome to my world, Lor. A world without scholarships. A world that involves monthly student loan payments until the year 2008. Yeah, I still have five years to go. I will be in my thirties when I'm finished paying off the student loans I took out for two years of school. Of a state school. You'd better hope Rory becomes a doctor.
The closed captioning tells me that, as Jess is roaming the back streets of the Venice canals, the surfer "Catch a Wave" music is supposed to be on again. Luckily it's the more soothing strummy-strummy-la-la. If Neverwood's living on the Venice canals? He's not doing too bad for himself. Jess reads some ripped envelope that informs him which house Neverwood lives in. Oh, maybe that was the letter that Jess was reading in a voice-over that we didn't get to hear. No, that's not possible, unless Neverwood was writing the letter to Jess's mom. Because no matter how smart they want us to think Jess is, he wasn't reading books on the second day he was alive. I'm once again putting more thought into this than the writers did, so we'll move on. The front yard of Neverwood's house is huge. Six thousand dogs surge toward Jess, barking and yapping. Jess is protected by a tiny fence door. He calls out asking if anybody's home. From the roof, Sherilyn Fenn asks if Jess is selling something. I actually don't recognize her at first, and it's only once I'm instinctively searching for a mole on her face that I realize who she is. Jess asks if Jimmy Mariano lives there. Sherilyn Fenn asks if Jimmy owes him money. Jess almost says he's Neverwood's son, but the dogs, the dogs! One of the dogs is named Frodo. Sherilyn tries to speak Sherman-Palladino, but it's a clunky, sad thing. She gives a long monologue about the guard at Oz (not the show, the film) who only lets Dorothy in once there's a horse of a different color. Jess admits that he's Neverwood's son so that Sherilyn can say that's a horse of a different color. She tells him to come on in. He asks if the dogs bite. Sherilyn says that two of them do, but she doesn't say which two. "Which two, which two?!" Jess screams. Jess tells the dogs he will bite back. Man, this spinoff's gonna be lame. Sherilyn introduces herself as Sasha, which I will call her from now on because I'm embarrassed that Sherilyn Fenn, she of the "lipstick and compact," has been reduced to this non-Lynchian life. Sasha introduces all of the dogs by name. She says that Neverwood isn't here right now. Jess says he can just "hang around" and come back later. Sasha invites him in, and says she'll call Neverwood at work.
Inside the house, we see even more pets. Sasha says that they're not all hers; some of them follow her home and hang out, looking for a place to crash. Be careful, Sasha: Jess sprays. Sasha then lets a total stranger "wander" in her house unsupervised. She picks up the phone, sighs, and says, "Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay." The episode grade is now a C. "Okay." C-.
Jess wanders through the living room, looking at photographs and knick knacks: "Clowns, cats, dogs: I wonder where his tap shoes are." Jess is full of the non sequiturs today, isn't he?
The "important" strummy music starts up when Jess sees Neverwood's "real" room, filled with LPs and books. It's also filled with photographs of old hot dog stands. The music comes to a quick halt when Jess opens a cupboard and finds a girl in there, reading a book with a flashlight. Jess jumps back and shouts. Sasha pops her head in to say that she couldn't get a hold of Neverwood. The girl in the cupboard is named "Lil." Sasha talks to her like she's not very bright. Lil whispers to Jess to close the cupboard door. He does, apologizing.
Chilton. Louisa cannot believe that jean jackets are out. She just found out from Fraulein, who looked it up in Marie Clare. Louisa feels "helpless." Rory thanks them for passing out the yearbooks for her. She asks if they need help bringing the boxes in. The girls have already found some big, strong men to do it for them. The girls admire the big, strong men until Rory gets a phone call. It's Emily, scolding Rory for not calling her back sooner. She reminds Rory that she won't be around forever. Rory apologizes over and over. Emily asks what Rory's friends' grandmothers are wearing to graduation. Rory asks Louisa, who answers, "Hopefully, the pearls I'll get when she kicks." Rory tells Emily she'll be right over. Rory calls Lorelai on her cell to say she's going over to Emily's. Lorelai directs Rory over to where she's sitting at the Booster table. They speak from across the room into their phones. Lorelai asks Rory to come keep her company. Rory doesn't want to enter the room because she'll have to sign yearbooks, and she's worried that Paris will put her to work. Isn't Lorelai violating Max's restraining order by being at Chilton? Lorelai tells Rory she has to stand up to Paris now that she's going to college. But then Paris walks up and asks Lorelai what she's doing. Lorelai's immediately stammering excuses, saying her phone rang so she answered it. "Your hair is really shiny," she says. Paris says they aren't set up and nothing's in order. "Where's the list?" she asks. Lorelai thinks it's in her purse, so Paris congratulates Lorelai for finding the perfect place to keep the list. Lorelai tells Paris again that her hair is really shiny. Paris asks if Lorelai has seen Rory. Lorelai says she hasn't. Paris says she'll go look outside. Lorelai and I both say to Rory at the same time, "Run. Run. Run!" The episode's back up to a B. Rory asks Lorelai to pick her up in an hour. Lorelai hangs up and prays that she didn't forget the list.
Sasha and Jess are chatting it up as they walk through Santa Monica. Sasha admits that the girl in the cupboard -- Lily -- is her daughter and not Neverwood's. This is a pretty annoying scene that establishes Sasha as this town mother, knowing everyone's business, everyone loves her, she's chatty and finds people's keys...just the kind of thing Jess fled Stars Hollow over. Everybody loves Sasha and Sasha loves everybody. Sasha's been with Neverwood over five years. She says that Lily has submitted a written request for a brother by the end of the year, but Sasha thinks she and Neverwood should be married before they have any kids. Sasha can't believe that Jess didn't know Neverwood wasn't married to her. Jess admits that he and Neverwood didn't really chat much back in Stars Hollow.
Neverwood's hot dog shack. There's pickle humor, here, which I'm skipping. Besides the enormous A rating the shack has received, I can't help but stare at the hot dog menu, which boasts wieners for fifteen cents. Sasha walks up and presents Jess like Rizzo handing Sandy to Danny. Neverwood's all, "Well, that's cool, baby. I mean, you know how it is, rockin' and rollin' and whatnot." Sasha assumes that Jess will be staying for dinner. Neverwood says he will. Sasha excuses herself, but not before giving Neverwood the stink-eye. Jess apologizes for not calling. "Hey, life's about the spontaneous, right?" Neverwood asks.
Neverwood takes a break and joins Jess on the other side of the counter. He asks if this is Jess's first time on the west coast. It is. Neverwood points out the sights: the ocean, the sand, the sky, and the boardwalk. As Neverwood babbles, we learn more about his neighbor Stan than we know about either Jess or Neverwood. He's Dutch. This will be funnier when you read the email at the end of the recap. Neverwood tells Jess that they're currently in Santa Monica, but that they live in Venice. Then there's more L.A. beach-naming, interesting only to people who live in L.A. or miss living in L.A. I hate Neverwood's hat. Neverwood says that there are other parts of L.A., but as far as he's concerned he'd marry the beach if he was allowed to mate it. Ew. He says he's lived in many cities, but nothing compares to this. Jess asks Sinéad where else he's lived. Neverwood names some cities, but calls Biloxi "Bill-OX-ee," which anyone who's lived in Mississippi never says. It's "Bill-UCKS-ee." Then Neverwood names off some states beginning with the word "New," until Jess reminds him that he once lived in New York. Neverwood stammers. Jess tells Neverwood he's not there to bust Neverwood's balls. They call Neverwood back to work. Jess says he'll hang out and read a book. Nerd!
I love the Mervyn's crumpled-hands ladies.
Emily's. Rory is told by a housekeeper that Emily is in the living room with Miss Celine. Miss Celine is played by Alex Borstein, who used to play Drella in Season One, who is married to Jackson, the real Jackson. I've said all of this before. But I love that someone on the forum called Miss Celine "TurbanDrella." Anyway, Miss Celine is an older lady who costumed any actress ever, and she's currently dressing Emily in the prettiest dress I've ever seen on Kelly Bishop, but something way too formal for a graduation ceremony. Miss Celine compares Emily to Ginger Rogers. Rory enters with a weary "Grandma!" and Emily introduces Rory to Miss Celine, who has been their "fashion consultant" for years. I find that hard to believe. Anyway, Miss Celine instantly calls Rory "Audrey Hepburn" in Sabrina. My, they've loaded Alex with makeup. I hope she's having fun playing this character, since she's almost completely unrecognizable. Richard walks in and says hello to Rory. Miss Celine tells a story about trying to get Audrey Hepburn to a speech therapist and concludes with "But could she wear capris!" Emily tells Miss Celine that Rory is starting Yale in the fall. Miss Celine tells Emily that the dress she's holding was just made in mint last week for Mrs. Walter Cronkite, a darling woman and a friend since the Big Bang. Richard tells Emily he preferred her green dress with the beads, since it made her look like a mermaid. I don't know anyone who would want to look like a mermaid, but okay. Rory reminds them that the ceremony isn't formal, and will be held outside. They'll be on folding chairs, even. Miss Celine has to rethink the entire thing, since the Gilmores will be seen near so much green. Richard goes to try on a gray linen suit. Miss Celine tells Richard that Jimmy Stewart wore the same shirt the night before his colonoscopy. Miss Celine warns Rory never to underestimate the power of a good shirt. She then stares at Rory for a long time.
Chilton. Louisa and Fraulein pass out yearbooks, ripping out a page that has a lousy picture of them on it with each book. Of course, that's the one page of the book poor Brad's on. Fraulein rips off a tiny piece of the page and hands it back to Brad so that his yearbook isn't missing the photo.
Over at the grad night cruise table, Paris moans that nobody is ever going to buy a ticket. I guess Paris didn't get her way with the Boosters, and nobody wants to go on a lame three-hour tour for Project Graduation. Paris says that they've only sold eight tickets in an hour, so she wants Lorelai to unbutton her top. Lorelai tells Paris to stop looking at Lorelai's boobs. She asks Paris whether she's made a college decision yet. Paris is still deciding among Princeton, Columbia, and Yale. She's not that interested in Columbia, but her mom would hate it if she went there, so she's still considering it. She'd like to go to Princeton, but Jamie is there and she doesn't want to look like the girl who went to Princeton to be with Jamie and get her MRS in pathetic: "Suddenly I'm Felicity without the hair issues." Lorelai says that not going to a school you want to go to because your boyfriend is there is just as bad as going to a school you don't want to go to because he is. Yeah, but Paris is still going to Yale. Nice try, Lorelai. Paris thanks Lorelai for her advice. Lorelai leans in for a hug. Paris immediately flinches, fists huddled together in fear, and asks Lorelai what she's doing. Lorelai keeps moving in for the hug, telling Paris to unclench her fists. Paris politely taps Lorelai's arm. Back up to an A.
Jess and Neverwood are back at Sasha's. Remember when the sun was setting in California? Oh, well. Never mind the fact that Jess somehow rode a bus to Venice in less than a day. Less than a day, y'all. Neverwood says hello to Lily in the cupboard and asks if she wants pineapple on her pizza. Shouldn't Lily be in school? Or at least dressed? "Does she do that a lot?" Jess asks. "All the time," Neverwood answers. Jess asks if Neverwood finds it to be a little weird. "All the time," he says. Sasha's pretty pissed off, so Neverwood asks if he can have a few minutes to talk to her. Judging from the sounds of slamming, Jess knows he should be scarce for a while, so he says he'll run off to a nearby bookstore. Jess leaves. I love that sentence.
Neverwood finds Sasha sitting on the kitchen counter, drinking a beer. She hands one to Neverwood. She has realized that Neverwood lied to her about going to Sacramento last week. Last week? Wasn't it the day before yesterday? Sasha asks why Neverwood didn't tell her about Jess. Neverwood says he doesn't know. Neverwood then narrates Sasha's body movements as she leaves the room, clueless as to why his live-in girlfriend of five years would be upset with him. She calls him "roomie" and yells that if he's not going to consult her on something like this, or at least tell her that he has a son of eighteen years, then they certainly aren't in a real relationship, but are more like roommates. Sherilyn Fenn gets breathless with this dialogue. She tells Neverwood to get the extra mattress out of the closet (some closet) for Jess to sleep on. It has somehow not occurred to Neverwood that Jess might want to stay with them, at least for the night. Sasha and Neverwood "Who's On First" until I almost hit the fast-forward button on my TiVo. Back down to a B. Then with the line "He could be running from the cops or attempting to hop across the country on one foot" we are down to a C. Oh, also: I have to apologize for last week, when I called Jess's "Slow Food Movement" line the worst line in the history of this show. I'm glad to say the award is back on the market. It may very well go to this "hop across the country" bullshit, though. There is an actual Slow Food Movement, dedicated to enjoying food that isn't...fast. Sorry I didn't catch the Dennis Miller-worthy reference, Jess. Sasha takes off, saying she's not Neverwood's mother. She takes Lily with her.
Miss Celine is now calling Rory "Sabrina," and is explaining that college requires proper attire. She says that a young girl is judged completely and solely by her wardrobe. Miss Celine says she always starts every wardrobe from the top: the hat. Rory stares at Miss Celine's turban as Miss Celine says it's the first thing that God sees. You have to wonder why they dedicated so much time to Miss Celine this week. Maybe they want to help Alex get her sitcom off the ground. Emily comes downstairs, exhausted. She's decided on the blue.
Lorelai prances in, tra-la-la, and says hello to everyone, including Emily. Emily asks Lorelai what she's doing there. Lorelai says she's just there to pick Rory up. Lorelai can't believe Miss Celine is still alive. "Look Sabrina, it's Natalie Wood!" Miss Celine shouts. Lorelai asks how Mrs. Walter Cronkite is doing. Emily tries to go upstairs, but Miss Celine says she'll do it, since she's the keeper of the clothes. Lorelai tells Rory that Miss Celine was a thousand when Lorelai was ten. Rory boasts about Emily's pretty blue dress, and Lorelai acts like nobody's in a fight, telling Emily she'd love to see the dress. Emily remains as tense and short as one in a fight does, and says that the dress needs to be altered. Lorelai apologizes for not calling before she came over. Emily says she doesn't need advance notice. Lorelai notes that Emily seems tense. Emily says she's just tired. She says she has a busy evening ahead of her. Lupe the maid enters and announces that dinner is ready. This sparks a lengthy argument about whether dinner is actually ready until Emily banishes Lupe from the room. Lorelai says she knows that dinner is always ready at 7, so she knows that dinner is ready. She knows that Emily is trying to get out of having to invite Lorelai over for dinner. Emily makes up an elaborate story about how she and Richard are just eating quickly and then are out the door with their evening plans. The Thompsons. For a book club. The Lovely Bones. Emily's review: "It's not my taste but I respect the attempt." Lorelai says now she knows where she gets it from. Emily's lie is ruined when Richard walks in, asking why they aren't eating dinner now that it's 7:10. Lorelai asks if it's okay that Rory stays for dinner. Richard is happy that Rory's having dinner with them, saying he was just saved from a dreadfully boring evening with nothing to do. Lorelai tells Emily to get herself an agent so she doesn't waste all that talent on dinner theatre. Rory runs after her.
Outside Emily's, Lorelai is pretty pissed off. She says she's going to try to go back in time and not come by to pick Rory up anymore. Rory says she didn't want to have dinner with Richard and Emily, anyway. Lorelai says she can't do this anymore. She's done. Rory apologizes for having Lorelai come over. Lorelai says that this is actually a good thing, and now she can stop feeling guilty for not wanting to go over there. She can go back to the way things were before, when she ignored them and hated them and they ignored her and disapproved. I don't know why Lorelai hasn't mentioned to Rory yet that she can't go to Yale. Or why they aren't canceling their Europe trip to help pay for tuition. Or why...never mind. We've got a spinoff to create! Rory goes back in to get her books.
Rory stomps over to her books and says she's not staying for dinner. Emily says she doesn't know what to do about Lorelai, with everything having to be such a scene. "I think you're being really stupid," Rory brats, and leaves.
There's a yoga circle in Stars Hollow at night, and for some reason it's not being led by Kirk. Rory and Lorelai drive up in the Jeep. Lorelai can't stop talking about how awesome the Souplantation is. I thought that was an L.A. thing. It's just a Super Salad with an offensive name -- all you can eat. I don't know where the girls found one, or how this was the first time they'd heard of an all-you-can-eat buffet, but whatever. ["Shut up! Souplantation is the best! Seriously, I love Souplantation. And though it does have some offensive associations, the word 'plantation' is neutral; it's just a synonym for 'farm.'" -- Wing Chun] Lorelai stops for the red light, despite Rory's protests, because she doesn't want to run it and get another ticket. Rory is upset that she's missing out on study time. Then, for some reason, Lorelai quotes a bumper sticker about paranoia, and I have to lower the episode to a C-. It's not looking so good for the episode. Rory sees Luke sweeping out in front of the diner. She asks Lorelai if Luke will know they went to Souplantation. She wonders if they'll have an all-you-can-eat glow. Luke looks up, sees Rory and Lorelai, and runs into the diner. Rory wonders what that was all about, and Lorelai poorly lies that it must have been the glow. She then breaks down and says she wasn't going to tell Rory because of everything going on, but Jess is gone. Rory's like, "Oh." Tra-la-la. Rory says she doesn't think Jess will come back. Lorelai asks Rory if she's okay. "Yeah," Rory says. Lorelai guns the red light. A motorcycle cop pulls out from behind a statue. For some reason, we don't get to see Kirk write a ticket.
Bookstore. Jess is walking around in a The Distillers t-shirt, reminding me that I mistakenly shortened the band name to "Distiller" last week, because that's what it sounded like Rory had said. Jess flips through books, and an extra walks past the camera holding her bag at an awkward angle, obviously so that we can read the name of the bookstore. I think it's SWB. Neverwood enters, furious that he had to go into so many bookstores to find Jess. Hey, Neverwood. Quit yelling in the bookstore, you douche. Neverwood tells Jess to come outside. Jess puts his jacket on again as he walks out.
Outside, Neverwood asks Jess if he's in trouble with the cops. Jess says he isn't. Neverwood wonders why Jess just showed up. Jess says he did the same thing in Stars Hollow. Yelling, yelling, yelling. Neverwood admits that he pussed out and couldn't talk to Jess when he finally saw him. Jess seems to understand that. He says he came to see Neverwood and thought maybe he could crash with him for a little while. Neverwood can't believe that Sasha's always right. Neverwood goes off on a Sasha tangent until he and Jess start repeating the same two lines to each other over and over about how Jess can't stay there. Jess is a grown-up. Just get your GED, get a job, and find your own place, if the rest of the world is so lame, Jess. Grow the fuck up. Who paid for your bus to Cali? ["Yeah, I thought the whole point of him working full-time at Wal-Mart was so that he could save a bunch of money and move out on Luke, anyway, before Neverwood was ever in the picture. He doesn't even have a car anymore; what did he spend all that money on? It sure as hell wasn't prom tickets or presents for Rory." -- Wing Chun] Neverwood says he's not a father and never was, which was why he left Jess in the first place. He says he can't take Jess in and raise him. Jess says he's already raised and doesn't need a father: "I don't need a daddy! I just need a place to crash!" Oh, the episode, it's down to a D. What a shit line. Neverwood says he's a screw-up, and Jess says the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. Neverwood tells Jess he's great and young. Jess asks to stay a month. Neverwood: "Are you listening to me? I have nothing to offer you. NOTHING!" Jess: "You have nothing? I HAVE NOTHING!" Hee. Jess totally Stallones out here. Jess screams that he's got nobody and nothing, that he's not graduating high school, but he's headed down a shitty path right now, so anything's better than where he is right now before he ends up being the guy on the Boardwalk selling hemp hats. "I have one of those," Neverwood says. "It's a good hat." I don't remember any of this. Maybe I had fallen asleep. Or maybe I was so happy watching the last few seconds of Jess on my screen that I couldn't hear a badly written word they were saying. Neverwood sits on a bench that happens to be right under him and says he'll talk it over with Sasha. Jess tells him to tell her that he's just another dog. Neverwood suggests that Jess lick himself. So do I. Jess thanks Neverwood. Neverwood says it's up to Sasha, but that it may not work out. They decide, "We'll see."
Um, I think we're done with Jess. I think that's it. That's it, right? We're done with Jess? This episode is totally back up to a B with that piece of news.
Rory comes home exhausted and says she's not going to be able to sleep again tonight. She needs to make another pot of coffee. Rory finds the letter from Yale financial aid. Lorelai swipes it away quickly, saying that Yale needed her social security number for something, adding, "Look who became a Soc!" Lorelai flips through Rory's yearbook and sees how many people called her a "BFF." She reads aloud messages from people who both knew Rory and mistook her for someone else. Lorelai realizes something and finds Rory in the kitchen. She says, "Hey, you know what's weird? A lot of the kids in here are calling you 'valedictorian.' Is that anything like a dirty skank? 'Cause if it is, I'll kick their plaid butts up and down the sidewalk. Were you named valedictorian?" Rory complains that she now has to write and deliver another speech, when she already has no time. Lorelai is more than proud of Rory for this achievement, as the strummy-strummy tells us. She calls her "My little Holly Hunter in Broadcast News," which Rory totally is. She tells Rory that she'll stop bugging her to ease off, and will let her study, but soon they are going to celebrate big-time, because what Rory did is "amazing." "Yeah, it is," Rory says, the tears starting to show. Rory goes off to "make Mommy nervous" with her studying. B+.
Bye, Jess! Jess is gone! A! A! A! Let's celebrate with a little VIEWER MAIL!
From Kehla:
Dear Gustave,In my dream I was reading one of your recaps and you started telling this story about how you were at a party the night before and some guy was harassing you and all you could think to do besides get into fisticuffs with this man was to lick him. On the head. You licked his bald head.
And you were all, "Yeah, it's gross, but what are you going to do?"
Then a week later your recap starts out, "This is the last recap you'll ever read of mine, after I write this I'm going to jail for licking that guy's head last week." Apparently this guy had pressed charges and you were found guilty of...licking, I guess, and off to the big house you went. (Though your final recap was funny, just so you know.)
And even though I only know Pamie through her journal and Gilmore Girls recaps (Good bye, Jess, you asshole!), apparently I knew her in my dream because we were having coffee together and I said, Oh, can you believe it? Gustave's going to jail for licking that dude's head!"
And she's all, "Yeah, it's pretty serious, he's going to be away for a long time."
Me: "Just for licking some guys' HEAD?"
Pamie: "Well, Gustave has Dutch Elm Disease."
Me: "Ohhh, man! He could get attempted MURDER for that!"
Pamie: "I know! That' s why he's going to jail for so long."
Me: "Eh, well, you know how it goes - he'll get 35 but serve 2 and get out on good behavior."
Then my seven-week-old kitten, Grrr, pissed on my hand and woke me up. Good times.
Take care of that Dutch Elm Disease, Gustave, and don't drop the soap!
Was it worth the wait?