We open the morning after the party. Marshall and Kyle are cleaning up the front lawn, arguing over the exact location of a Tootsie Roll wrapper. For some reason, they're the only two kids who have to clean up. Princess Rory has just left, having retrieved Lane's vomit-covered backpack from deep inside the house. Maybe Lane should have followed Lorelai's "No ID, no cash -- no problem!" method of party-going. But I guess Lane had to change clothes and the backpack is important for all the lying she has to do every day. Lorelai thinks the arguing boys are hilarious. It is here we can see that the front gate of the fence is broken. Are we supposed to believe that Jess and Dean did that, when we saw every impossible second of their fight and they went nowhere near the front gate before the cops showed up? Lorelai is so proud of Rory for attending her first cop-raided party. Lorelai wishes she could have been there. Actually, I'm surprised the party wasn't at Lorelai's house. Rory lies, glossing over the fact that Jess and Dean were the ones who had the fight. Rory is that stereotypical television liar -- all shifty-eyed, with her hands jamming into her back pockets as she stammers and murmurs.
Luke shows up, furious about receiving a phone call from Kyle's parents ten minutes before he was supposed to get up. (Isn't that 4:45 in the morning? Kyle's parents -- they must have been pissed.) Luke has heard about the party, and knows that Jess was involved in the fight. Kyle's parents woke Luke up to discuss the damages. Luke storms off to find out about the Hummels, and Lorelai asks Rory to get back to the recap. Shout-out. Rory admits that Jess and Dean were the ones fighting. "Over you," Lorelai says. "I was a contributing factor," Rory admits. "So not only did you go to a cop-raided party, but you started the raid?" Lorelai asks. "Yes," Rory shrugs. Lorelai points out all of the broken and littered things on the lawn that are there because of Rory. "What is your point?" Rory asks. Lorelai gets puppy-dog eyes and sings, "Did you ever know that you're my hero?" Rory walks past Lorelai to get to Lane's. Lorelai follows, continuing her song until we go to the opening credits.
Independence Inn. The B&B is in full effect. A couple clad in their robes compliment the muffins, saying they are "brilliant." Sookie thanks them. A bad under-five overacts the simple line "Listen, Sookie. Dennis and I and a bunch of us others wondered if you offered cooking classes." Sookie -- all about the B&Bs now, apparently -- says that if other B&Bs offer cooking classes, then the Inn does, too. She immediately plans the syllabus of spreads and jams until Lorelai gently reminds Sookie that they don't have a kitchen. Sookie immediately moves the class to her house. "I'm sorry, there, Jackson. I-must-make-jam!" Dennis gives a "Cheers," as he walks off with his muffin. Was Dennis supposed to be British? His two lines were "Brilliant" and "Cheers." The man playing Dennis? Totally not British. Lorelai notes that they need to buy robes with thicker material if the guests are going to wear them downstairs: "Seeing the sunlight hit Dennis gave me a whole new respect for Peg." Sookie says that Jackson is up in Rochester helping yada yada yada, so she's available "like an intern" to do something fun tonight. Lorelai has no plans, but Rory's keeping her Friday-night dinners because she's at least slightly polite. Sookie says it must be nice to have the family pressure off her. Lorelai isn't sure. Before, when they didn't see each other or talk, it was because they never saw each other or talked. But now that she's just not going over there because she doesn't have to, she feels guilty for not going over there, as if she's only not going over there because she doesn't have to. It seems there's an easy solution for Lorelai, which is to show up with Rory and keep going to Friday-night dinners unless she has something better to do on a Friday night (something that doesn't rhyme with "Botch MeSee.") Sookie asks what she's going to do. "I'm gonna hope it passes." Sookie: "Sounds healthy."
Church. Blessed are the meek, blah blah blah priestcakes. Rory walks Lane's vomitpack over to her in the back of the church. Those Gilmores, they're ready to chat at any inappropriate occasion, so Rory proceeds to talk to Lane while the preacher does his thing. Lane says that after her drunken call to her mother (I guess that's why there was no "previously" this week), she got home expecting Armageddon. (She wouldn't let Dave walk her in because he's an only child and therefore can't afford to die with the family name before creating offspring.) But instead, MamaLane was totally asleep. And this morning, when Lane came downstairs, instead of shipping Lane off to Korea, MamaLane had made breakfast. Lane says that MamaLane is being more Stepford creepy than angrily silent: "It was very calm. Very serene." Rory brings up the time-wasting suggestion that MamaLane didn't hear Lane on the phone because Lane was drunk and slurry: "Maybe she thought you said you were at a smarty playing clock music playing fear and in love with Rave McChousty." Lane asks what the smell is. "Your backpack," Rory answers. The Rabbi shows up, so the priest rapidly wraps up the "Blessed are the"s. Rory says that Lane has to talk to MamaLane. Lane says she can't. So now Lane has pretty much grounded herself. She volunteered to work the church table for the two months. Check this: she's decided to go to the Seventh-Day Adventist college her mother wants her to go to, staying home in Stars Hollow for the four years. Dude. It was one party. And then she told Dave to forget about the Prom. Wow. Lane, calm down. thing you know she'll marry herself off to Jung Chu. Lane says that this is all her fault. The Rabbi gives the priest another hand signal, the priest ends the...session? And the Rabbi brings in his congregation. The priest takes down the crucifix and apologizes to the Rabbi for running over. "No problem," the Rabbi says, putting a Star of David in the crucifix's place. He begins.
Luke's. "Excuse me, I'd like some ham!" a woman shouts toward Jess, who doesn't give her an appropriately bitchy retort. So she rudely shouts again that she'd like some ham. Jess places plates in front of a man who asks, "Is this what I ordered?" "Yes," Jess hisses. He asks Rob Estes -- who's alone at a table -- if he's ready to order yet. "Reunited, and it feels so good!" Hello, Rob Estes. I normally wouldn't have an ounce of emotion over seeing you, but in this particular circumstance, you're here to take Jess away from our beloved show. And for that, Rob Estes, you are my hero. Begone with you, Rob Estes. Shoo. Godspeed to Gilmore Girls Spinoff. Oh. He's still here. And he hasn't decided on anything to eat yet. Jess rudely suggests that Rob Estes look at the menu to help make a decision. Jess tells Cesar he needs ham. "No ham," Cesar says back. Is this the same Cesar? I don't think it is. Jess says they got a shipment of ham yesterday. And as Cesar and Jess argue about whether or not there's ham (mostly it's just Cesar saying, "No ham" over and over again), I start wondering what a shipment of ham would look like. Does it come bundled? In a box? On ice? Apparently the ham lady has been asking for ham for over twenty minutes. No wonder she's so pissy. The resolution to this hammy convo? "Then sew some bacon together because that lady is getting ham." And Jess? Kiss mah grits! You tell a joke I heard come out of Linda Lavin's mouth in 1984 and expect me to recap it? I have standards.
Jess switches the plates out from the guy who said he got the wrong order earlier. Jess then shouts to the room that he's holding someone's order (that the other guy was kind of already eating) and wants to know whose plate it is. He's all "Look in front of you. If there's nothing there and there should be, this is yours." Kirk, of course, realizes that it's his order. The ham lady is just holding up one hand now in a sad little "They cut my other ham line" gesture. Jess goes back to Rob Estes, and shouts, "Do you know what you want yet?" Can I call Rob Estes Neverwood? Because that's the nickname Stee gave Gilmore Girls Spinoff and it's working out for me. Or is Street Billiams better? Neverwood, it is. So, Neverwood orders some coffee and Jess sasses back more inappropriate things that make me question his Employee of the Month certificate.
Taylor dances in at this point, wearing an old tyme-y outfit, singing "The Candyman." Like, all of "The Candyman." He sings for quite a while, and then announces that finally his Olde Fashioned Soda Shoppe and Candy Store is having its grand opening tomorrow. There's going to be a celebration all day long. In the background, we see the ham lady get a piece of candy delivered to her by one of Taylor's old tyme lasses. I wouldn't have noticed, but she loudly said "Thank you" over Taylor's singing. That girl was determined to get her AFTRA card today. All the townies are giggling to each other, giving each other looks like, "Our local celebrities are just so kooky. Isn't it great being a nobody in Stars Hollow?" Taylor has said the word "candy" about twenty-three times. I don't know why Jess hasn't kicked them out yet. The big joke here? The penny candy costs a buck. Then there's a weird ADR of Taylor saying, "Come at noon; stay all day."
Luke enters the diner and Jess chews him out for not being at the diner for five minutes. Luke says he had to run an errand. Worst line in the history of this show: "Cesar's suddenly decided to join the Slow Food Movement." That doesn't even make any sense. What the hell is going on? Where's the good writing? Jess complains that there's a guy seated at the four-top who won't leave and is only ordering coffee. Luke says that all of Jess's tips will now be Luke's tips, since Luke had to spend the morning at Kyle's. "Dean started it," Jess says. Luke can't believe Jess is going to use that excuse. But Jess uses it again. Luke points out that Jess and CuteDean fought all through the house, breaking a chair, a coffee table, and an ottoman. "I don't need a recap," Jess mumbles. Ha. Shout-Out, Part Deux. That one was from Jess to me, I'm sure. Jess says "Dean" almost as many times as Taylor said "candy." Sounds like someone's in love. Luke says that Dean was at Kyle's this morning, apologizing for what he did, and has already made arrangements to repay the damages he caused. Jess: "Man, he's gonna make someone a fine doormat someday." Shut up. You're gonna make someone a fine conjugal visit. Luke says that Jess is going to pay back every cent, and from now on, all the money Jess makes at the diner will go toward paying Kyle's parents. Jess storms off. Luke sees Neverwood leave the diner. If he was avoiding Luke, why did he wait until Luke was looking at him to take off? Oh, for the cliché. Luke sees that Neverwood has left his wallet. He takes the wallet and runs outside. Neverwood is gone, so Luke opens the wallet and sees who Neverwood is. Long close-up of Luke's disapproving stare as we finally go to commercial.
Lorelai's living room. Lorelai has a problem: all of her skirts are either too long or too short for this season's acceptable length, leaving her with two options -- alter or shop. In other news, Lorelai recently got a haircut, her dentist said she has no cavities, and she's thinking about reading a book someday. Welcome to Planet Lorelai, where decisions are always riveting. So Rory's on her way to Chilton for a late-night Franklin session. This is the last issue, so Paris is triple-checking everything: "Can you say crazy, anal micromanager?" Lorelai: "Not five times fast." Rory says she forgot her notes. Lorelai says they're in her bedroom. Yeah, I don't know why we have to know that, either.
Lorelai thinks for a second, and then picks up the phone. She calls Emily. Emily is in her garden, the place they film her whenever they aren't really calling Kelly Bishop to the set. I imagine it's actually Kelly Bishop's back yard. Lorelai asks Emily how she's doing. Emily is rather curt with Lorelai, since nobody has apologized or discussed the issue, and Lorelai thinks that they'll just ignore it and talk like nothing has happened. Emily asks to speak with Rory. Lorelai says that Emily can't talk to Rory because Lorelai is the one who called her. If Emily had called, then she could speak to Rory, but since Emily didn't call, she has to talk to Lorelai. Emily asks why Lorelai is calling. Lorelai says she just wanted to talk, since they hadn't seen each other in a while. "Your choice," Emily says. "No, your choice," Lorelai whines. Emily says that Lorelai called off Friday-night dinners. Lorelai says she only called off the obligation. And then stopped going to them. That's all. She asks if they can go back to talking the way they used to. Emily reminds her that before the Friday-night dinners, Emily would have to call Lorelai and leave a message that she had something important to tell her. Lorelai would call back, they'd make small talk about the weather, or talk about the DAR, and then Lorelai would put Rory on the phone. Emily says that the weather's fine, the DAR is having a luncheon week, and she's not allowed to talk to Rory. Lorelai tells her to have a nice day. They hang up. The phone rings. Lorelai shouts that it's for Rory.
Chilton. Rory walks in apologizing for being late. Paris is freaking out, saying that the issue is a disaster. Rory says she's sure it's not that bad. "And that's why you won't need to Botox your frown lines on your nineteenth birthday," Paris shoots back. These jokes aren't really hitting, are they? Something's wrong. It's like they have a punchline, but the words leading up to it don't support the joke. Paris starts screaming at someone to stop using a certain picture. Rory walks over to Louisa and Fraulein who, at first glance, appear to be working on a layout. Upon further inspection, we see that they are trying to figure out the logistics of their prom dates and limos. They have different pictures of different boys and cars, and they're trying to color-coordinate everything. Rory says she'll get those "pesky" Franklin pages out of their way. Paris walks over and asks what she's doing. Rory says she's working on the front page. Paris asks what the girls are doing. Rory: "Staying true to who they are." Louisa says that prom is only once, and then it's photographed and there forever. Fraulein says they left a space for Paris. That's nice, isn't it? Those girls really love Paris, even though they don't understand her. They need to know what Jamie looks like and what kind of colors he and Paris will be wearing. Paris is positively beaming (for Paris) as she explains that she doesn't need to go with them. She's going with Jamie all by herself. Jamie's slumming it at the high-school prom; he must be the joke of Princeton. They've got a limo. They're going in and taking pictures and, depending on the level of lameness, will dance. Then he's taking Paris to dinner and a helicopter ride out to Martha's Vineyard to join his parents for the weekend. Fraulein asks what color the helicopter is. Paris doesn't dignify the question with an answer. She asks Rory what her Prom plans are. Rory says that Stars Hollow is more casual. "Less Cinderella, more Footloose." Except that Footloose wasn't casual at all. And it was full of nervous people not having fun until Kevin Bacon and Chris Penn got into a fist fight and then forced the other people inside to dance. Well, maybe it's exactly like Stars Hollow, then. Rory's Lori Singer, and...I'm tired of trying to make the joke work. "It's still a prom," Paris says. Rory agrees. Just last week it was the one thing Rory wanted in life and now she's totally belittling it. Paris really smiles here and says she can't wait for prom. Rory looks bummed out.
Lorelai and Sookie are walking through Stars Hollow as Lorelai complains that she never should have called Emily. Lorelai pouts that her parents are having Rory over that night for a movie night. Sookie says that movies are Lorelai's thing. I guess only Lorelai can see movies with Rory. And what time is Rory going over there? It's Saturday, after all. And why was everyone in church on Saturday? Lorelai asks if they'll have her over for "Dance Around in Your Underwear to the Monkees Greatest Hits Night" . Sookie says she wouldn't put it past the Gilmores to steal that, too. Oh, really? Another line from nowhere.
Sookie and Lorelai walk over to Fran's bakery to see "what's going on." It's a sign on the door that clearly says that the bakery is closing, due to Fran's passing. Now, we can assume that Lorelai and Sookie knew that Fran died before this moment, right? Because if they were such great friends and Fran was such an institution in Stars Hollow, then perhaps people would have been a bit more solemn this morning. But Sookie and Lorelai act like they just learned it now from this piece of paper. "Poor thing!" says Lorelai. "I don't believe it," says Sookie. They agree that she was a great lady who had a good, long life. Before the girls finish saying they're going to miss Fran, they start thinking about the broken-down Dragonfly, the inn Fran owns. Lorelai reminds us that Fran wanted to keep it as long as she was alive, but she's not anymore. Sookie worries that she and Lorelai wanted the property so much that they killed Fran through the power of their minds. Lorelai says that they only wished for the property. Sookie says it could be karma. Lorelai says that they loved Fran, and that the inn has nothing to do with her dying, sorta. Sookie beams that Fran has no heirs, but Lorelai says some gold-toothed long-lost cousin might come out of the woodwork to seize the Dragonfly, turning it into a beauty salon or law offices. "Not our Dragonfly!" Sookie whines. Lorelai says if they're meant to have the inn, then they'll have it: "Let's focus on Fran and how much we loved her. And not think about the inn at all." But that doesn't work, because Sookie's already planning out her new kitchen. Maybe you might want to find out how much it'll cost to have a baby before you go and buy an inn, Sook. Just sayin'. Or maybe you're not really having a baby at all, since you haven't spoken about it since the stick turned blue. The ladies decide to buy lots of flowers so they won't go to a hell that's quite as hot as the one they're destined for.
MamaLane and Lane work on refinishing a chair. Lane chatters on about how great the chair is. There's a knock at the door. Lane answers. It's Dave, in a suit. He asks to talk to MamaLane. He walks in and says a very long speech. He says that, a few weeks ago, MamaLane told him that Lane had a crush on him. He admits that he has a crush on Lane as well. He says he knows MamaLane has strict rules, but he wants MamaLane to know that he's a good person: "I don't smoke, I don't drink, I've never gotten a ticket. I'm healthy. I take care of myself. I floss. I never watch more than thirty minutes of television a night, partly because I think it's a waste of time and partly because there's nothing on. I respect my parents. I do well in school. I never play videogames in case they do someday prove that playing them can turn you into a serial killer. I don't drink coffee. I hate soda because the carbonation freaks me out. I'm happy to give up meat if you feel strongly about it. I don't mind wearing a tie. I enjoy playing those hymns on my guitar. And I really, really want to take your daughter to the prom." Lane beams a proud smile. Aside from Dave's list making him a bit of a joykill, it's the sweetest thing this show has done in a while. MamaLane thinks it over and goes back to the chair. Dave begs her to not make him repeat that list again. She stands and says to Dave: "'Let never day nor not unhallowed pass, but still remember what the Lord hath done.'" Dave very carefully says, "Okay. Thank you." He leaves. Lane follows him outside.
Dave asks what that meant. Lane doesn't know. They aren't sure if it's a yes or a no. Dave says he's sure it's from The Bible, so he'll go home and do some research -- check the internet and let her know when he finds something out. He goes to leave, and Lane turns to go back inside, but Dave suddenly pulls her back and kisses her. As he leaves, Lane says, "I'm so writing him a song tonight." Why can't Dave and Lane have the spinoff, where they travel the country trying to make their band work? It's all about being young and in a car, free for the first time, trying to find out if two good kids can stay good in the big, bad world. At least it would have an ounce of hope.
Let's all ignore the fact that Luke could figure out from Neverwood's wallet what motel room he was staying in. Let's also ignore the fact that of all the places Lorelai has said house tourists in Stars Hollow, she's never mentioned a dingy motel. Anyway, Luke's knocking on Neverwood's door. I love that Neverwood got himself a double, too. Who are you expecting, Nev? A platonic lady friend? Luke tosses Neverwood his wallet. Neverwood thanks him. Luke walks in. Neverwood talks exactly like Jess, as if they took lines they never used on Jess and gave them to Neverwood. It doesn't look like Rob Estes is too comfortable with the dialogue, either. Anyway, he babbles that he likes this driver's license picture, and he'd hate it if he had to get it replaced. Luke asks what Neverwood's doing there. His name is Jimmy, but I'm still calling him "Neverwood." He says he's just passing through from California. ["'Passing through' to where? Nova Scotia?" -- Wing Chun] "He hasn't missed you," Luke says. "Never says a word about you." Luke calls Neverwood a loser. Luke informs all of us that the last time he saw Neverwood was in a very clichéd moment right after Liz gave birth; Neverwood went out to buy some diapers for Jess and never came back. Neverwood says that a lot of time has passed and things have changed. He's changed. Luke asks if he needs money. Neverwood says he doesn't need money. "So the look is a choice?" Luke asks. Neverwood says he just wanted to see Jess. He thought it was time. Luke says he's trying to give Jess a future and he's not doing so well, and that the last thing he needs right now is a "special appearance" by his father, who still can't be there for him. Neverwood says he doesn't have a plan to make a life in Stars Hollow or get a job; he just wanted to pop in and see the old boy. "I don't know!" Neverwood screams. Luke threatens to put his head through a wall if he does anything to make it harder for Luke to raise Jess. Luke storms to the door. "I just wanted to see him," Neverwood whines. "Well, you saw him," Luke says. "Now get out of here." Oh, man. This is some tedious spinoff work, isn't it?
So Candace Bergen has been reduced to only playing roles where she's a mom everyone hates showing up late in the film for the wedding? Just checking.
I guess they planned Fran's funeral quickly, because now it's Sunday morning, and Lorelai and Rory are walking to the funeral. Rory has chosen a red coat on this somber day. Lorelai tells Rory that Fran was the first person she met in Stars Hollow. She's the woman who pointed Lorelai to the Inn. Rory isn't really listening to Lorelai carry on and on about how much Fran loved to give baby Rory cookies. Wouldn't Rory have been a newborn on the day they moved to Stars Hollow? Anyway, Rory's looking over at Luke's diner, watching Jess work behind the counter. Rory says she'll meet Lorelai at the church. Lorelai doesn't really want Rory to leave her for a second. Rory lies that she's stopping over at Doose's. Lorelai says she'll come, too. Luckily, Miss Patty is crying on a bench. Now that Fran has died, Miss Patty says they're all going to start dying now. Lorelai says she'll help Miss Patty to the funeral. Rory leaves to deal with her own life, since both Gilmores can't be thinking of others at the same time, or they might not be as important as they think they are. Miss Patty says that, at times like these, you realize what is truly important in your life. "I'm so glad I had all that sex!" she blubbers.
Ah, the strummy-strummy-la-la scene. Rory walks up to the diner and watches Jess. Nobody else is in the diner, since everybody's at the funeral. Rory changes her mind and walks away. She stops. Luke comes down in his suit. He sees Rory through the window. She walks back to the door. She stops. Luke looks at Jess, who doesn't see Rory. He looks back at Rory, who has decided again not to enter the diner. Rory shakes her head and leaves. Jess looks up and sees Rory. He bolts from behind the counter, but stops when he reaches the door. He walks back to the cash register. Luke squints in confusion. Jess touches his receipts for a second, and then bolts out the door again. He runs down the street and off-camera. Seconds later, he walks back and enters the diner again. He slams the door and heads to his room. "What are you lookin' at?" he mumbles to Luke as he passes.
Rory and her red coat run up the church steps. Taylor is at the door passing out programs, announcing that today's candy-store grand opening has been postponed. Rory finds Lorelai and Sookie. She sits and sees Lane. She mouths, "How's it going?" Lane raises both of her arms in resignation. Luke enters. Taylor does not tell him that the grand opening has been postponed. The priest takes the podium and welcomes everybody. He says that they'd like to start by having Fran's close friend share a few words. She talks about Fran opening the bakery in 1955, and how they became best friends and still are. Lorelai and Sookie begin chatting during the funeral, asking if they think they'll still be friends when they're dead. They decide to be. The woman says that they'll keep the bakery open, and that it will be run by people who have Fran's heart in their hearts. Everybody applauds. Miss Patty is still crying. As the woman starts talking about the Dragonfly Inn, the microphone starts popping. Suddenly, you can't hear what she's saying, so Sookie and Lorelai get frantic, loudly asking each other if they can hear what the woman is saying about the inn. Kirk shushes them. Sookie shouts any word she can pick up. "Ortant and ing." "World war." Lorelai and Sookie say that the woman is pointing at a man in a suit in the front row until Rory impatiently scolds them by saying that people are turning around and staring. The woman leaves the podium. "Did she say who gets the inn?" Sookie asks. I bet Sookie's also one of those people who talks all through the movie, shouting, "Why did he do that?" or "Is that a bad guy?" Lorelai shrieks that she doesn't know, because how the hell could she.
The priest returns to the podium and replaces the microphone. He points out that it's noon, the time that Fran would be opening her bakery on Sunday, welcoming people from church. They take a moment of silence for her. Miraculously, Sookie and Lorelai don't talk about themselves for an entire moment. Instead, there's a marching band outside, and it starts up in full fanfare. Taylor runs out of the church, screaming that the grand opening has been postponed. The priest says that Fran wanted one last walk around the town square before being put in her final resting place, and he's inviting everyone to take the walk with her. "Walking with dead people not my thing," MamaLane says to Lane. "Let's go." Rory asks Lorelai where Sookie went off to. You know how people are always mingling at funerals. Lorelai says that Sookie went to give her condolences...and find out what's happening with the inn. Can't wait one day. Sookie comes back and says that the man in the suit is Fran's lawyer, and that he's here to put her business affairs in order. Lorelai asks if they could talk to him. Sookie reminds Lorelai that she has to get back to the Inn, and that Sookie has a group of B&B people showing up at her house to make jam. Amazing that they're still going to keep those obligations, I know. Lorelai says they should talk to Fran's lawyer now. "I think our window of opportunity just slammed shut," Sookie says. And by that, she means the casket. The lawyer is also a pallbearer, and he's one of the six men carrying Fran's casket around the town square. So's Kirk. Lorelai says they will respectfully hover until the walk is over, and then they will swarm him after the walk and talk to him. Lorelai asks if Rory's coming. Rory says she'll stay way in the back so that when the Earth opens up and swallows Sookie and Lorelai whole, Rory will still be alive to tell the tale.
Outside the church in her bright red coat, Rory runs into Dean. He's very happy to see her, and pulls her aside to tell her something. After small talk about Fran being a nice lady, he promises that they'll catch up with the walk if they can talk for a second. They walk the two feet to the left that actors do when they want to talk privately. He says, "I asked Lindsay to marry me." Now Rory's first question is, "Why?" But my first question is, "When?" Neither Jess nor Dean has even so much as a scratch on him after fighting for twenty minutes Friday night. When was the right time for Dean to ask Lindsay to marry him -- before he got into a fight for his ex-girlfriend or after? Dean says that Lindsay is amazing, and that he asked and she said yes: "So...I'm getting married." Is this 1958? What's with all the young brides on the WB? Do all of you teens want to get married right out of high school? I mean, don't you guys all plan on going to college? And having careers? And dating? Rory asks why he wants to get married now, when he's so young. She makes him promise that he's still going to college. Dean says that Lindsay's going with him. Rory says that he and Lindsay haven't been going out that long, and that he doesn't even know what he's going to do with his life yet, and that he should probably just date: "Dating's fun." Dean gets upset that Rory's first words aren't of happiness, but of disapproval. He doesn't offer up any answers as to why he'd want to get married right now, before he and Lindsay have even graduated from high school. Rory says she was surprised. "So what?" Dean asks. "It's good news; you can't just be happy for me?" Rory says she can, and she is. "You know what?" Dean says, and the hairs on the back of my neck rise up. "I'm sorry if you have a crappy relationship with Jess," he says. Rory gets all mad and shouts, "Hey!" like some Springer woman. "You don't know! Y'all don't know! He love me! He love me! Y'all don't know! Y'all don't know!" CuteDean reads from the forums, saying he's sorry that Jess treats Rory like dirt and that everyone hates him. CuteDean talks like Frank from The Real World Las Vegas as he says he has a great girlfriend now, and when Rory dumped him for "that jerk," he was really heartbroken and didn't think he'd find another. Now he's marrying that rebound. Rory's answer? "Jess does not treat me like dirt." "Whatever," Dean says, his word echoed throughout the nation as all of us collectively roll our eyes with Dean. He tells Rory that he wanted her to know before the news got out. "Now you know, so, um. Have a nice life." Dean leaves. And Rory -- who just got told goodbye forever by the first love of her life, a boy who is now engaged, who is upset with her for the way she treated him before and now -- only shouts, "Jess does not treat me like dirt!" I can't wait for season. I'm so done with Jess. I can't believe we endured him for two years. Is Milo Ventimiglia related to someone on the show? I just can't understand why they dragged this out for so long.
MamaLane is pouring tea as Lane asks if she needs any help. MamaLane says she doesn't. Lane goes to get out the soy scones and tofutter. As she sets the table, Lane repeats that she's really sorry about the other night. She says she did everything wrong and let MamaLane down. She doesn't know how to fix it, but she's going to try her hardest: "I am so, so sorry." She goes upstairs to iron her dress for church, thinking about what she's done. But there's the doorbell. MamaLane answers. It's Dave, looking quite disheveled, still in his suit. He says he stayed up all night and read the entire Bible cover to cover, but he doesn't know what her Bible quote means. He wants to know if it's a yes or a no. He says he can't feel his right elbow anymore, and doesn't know why. "Please?" he whines. "Just tell me? I can't take it anymore." MamaLane says it's not from the Bible. It's Shakespeare. Henry VI. "I like to goof off now and then, too, you know," she says. Apparently, Dave didn't check the internet. MamaLane says it's very difficult to read the Bible in one night: "I, myself, have only done it three times. You need great determination and excellent light. I'm very impressed. All right. You can go to the prom but you cannot get married." Dave says that sounds fair to him. "And me!" Lane shouts from the stairs. MamaLane turns around. Lane says she's still on her way up to think about what she did. MamaLane says that Lane is grounded until the prom, and for two months afterward. Dave is allowed to call Lane on the phone every other day and talk for ten minutes. Dave thanks her. MamaLane walks away. Lane and Dave share a surprised, overjoyed look until MamaLane shouts. Lane runs upstairs, leaving Dave to see himself out. This is why Lane probably should have picked a different college. Where's Dave going to college? By the time Lane gets out of being grounded, he'll be all packed and ready to leave.
The Town Square walk. Lorelai is heckling, complaining that they're walking just as slowly as Fran did. This entire scene is so inappropriate that I'm upset to have to watch it again. It's not funny, and it's really long. Fran has now about twelve pallbearers. Lorelai moves Sookie to the front of the line, beside the lawyer. Lorelai says that it was a nice service. Sookie says that the walk around the square is a nice idea. Lorelai says that she might steal it when she dies, but ask to be walked around the Benefit counter. Sookie stops Lorelai from talking. Lorelai introduces herself (and we learn that Sookie kept her last name). She asks what's going to happen with the Dragonfly. "BECAUSE WE WANT IT!" Sookie screams. Lorelai says that they work at the Independence Inn right now. The lawyer asks if that's the place that burned down. Lorelai says it wasn't their fault; she says the fire was caused by a wiring problem, and that it could have happened to anyone. And the Inn didn't burn down, actually. The lawyer asks if they can discuss it later, since the casket is heavy. Lorelai says she'll help, but she makes Sookie carry the casket. Pregnant Sookie. Lorelai asks whether Fran left the Dragonfly to anyone. The lawyer says he hasn't talked in depth to the family, but she didn't leave it to anyone, so her family will probably sell it. Lorelai says that they'd love to buy the Dragonfly and keep it as an inn dedicated to Fran. Sookie promises not to burn it down. The lawyer takes the casket back. Lorelai asks if he agrees to sell them the inn. Kirk tells Lorelai that she's blocking Fran's view, since Lorelai's standing in front of the casket, trying to buy Fran out from under her. The lawyer tells Lorelai to call him on Monday: "As far as I'm concerned, if the check clears, it's all yours." Oh, well, thanks friend of Fran. Shouldn't you check with a family member before you sell off her belongings? Hey, maybe Sookie and Lorelai would like to buy the casket before you lower that into the ground. Sookie and Lorelai then start shrieking and jumping, celebrating right to the line of mourners. Ladies and gentlemen: a new low.
In the dark, Jess finishes cleaning tables at the diner. He's listening to Bowie's "Suffragette City." Neverwood enters. Jess tells him that they're closed: "Learn to read." He identifies Neverwood as "The Loser Coffee Guy." Neverwood says he'll take the moniker. Once again, Jess tells him that they're closed. "I'm your father," Neverwood says all in the middle of Jess's line. "What?" Jess asks. "I'm...your..." Jess: "Are you sure?" Neverwood: "Am I...? Yes. I'm sure." He says he didn't mean to spring this news on him, figuring that Luke would have told Jess his father was in town after Luke saw him yesterday. Then they try to pull that "Because you're still doing the staring with the frown thing." First of all, no, that line doesn't work on that actor. And secondly, of course Luke wouldn't have told Jess, since he told Neverwood to get the fuck out of Dodge before Jess found out he was there. Neverwood tells Jess he looks different. Jess asks if Neverwood wants some coffee. Neverwood says he does. Jess pours Neverwood some coffee. "It's old," Jess says. They sit down. They have nothing to say to each other. They bop their heads to the music for a few notes. They both mouth along with, "Wham bam, thank you, ma'am!" Then Neverwood storms out of there. Jess sets his jaw. Neverwood doesn't even shut the door. Hey, Neverwood! You forgot your spinoff actor!
Walking home from wherever, Lorelai tells Rory that she was negotiating at a funeral. Rory says she saw the whole thing from the back of the line. Lorelai says it was the most inappropriate thing that happened today until the gnat flew into Kirk's mouth and he dropped the casket. Rory says it was a nice save, but we don't know who did the saving. Lorelai says she feels really weird. She's "sad" about Fran, but the inn is "really going to happen." Sure. Yeah, you practically signed the contract right on the casket, right? And hey -- Dean's getting married. Want to discuss that? And Emily still isn't talking to you. Sookie's having a baby.
Lorelai calls Rory over to look at something: a red prom dress. She says she needs to take Rory prom shopping tomorrow, unless Rory wants Lorelai to sew the dress, which she'll do. Rory does more hand-shoving in the back pockets and eye-shifting. Rory says she doesn't want to talk about dresses anymore. She snaps that she doesn't even know if she's going to the prom. Lorelai says she thought Jess was taking her. Rory says that was before the party and the fight and the thing in Kyle's bedroom. That was Kyle's bedroom? That was such a girly room. There's no way that was Kyle's bedroom. Anyway, Lorelai wants to know if Rory had sex, so she ushers Rory into the Jeep to talk. For no reason other than to break up the fight, there's a driver behind them who wants to pull into Lorelai's space. But Lorelai is one of those people who just sits in her car for forever, waving people around. And every once in a while, she just waves out the window, but the person in the car doesn't mind waiting for her to leave eventually, so they stay out there, blinker light on, waiting. It's like me with this episode.
Rory is trying to talk about how she and Jess have kind of broken up, but Lorelai just wants her to get to the part where she talks about being in the bedroom. Rory says she doesn't understand Jess -- his mood swings, and how he doesn't tell her anything. She says she's tired of fighting. She doesn't like the way she feels or what she does. She says she doesn't want to sit around wondering: "I hate this! I really, really..." Lorelai says she only wants to know about the bedroom. Rory says they were kissing in the bedroom and it seemed like he wanted to, but she said no and then he got "all weird" like he was mad at her. Lorelai says that if Jess was mad at her for not having sex with him, then he's "a jerk." Rory says she knows that, but that she doesn't even know if that's why he was mad at her. Yeah, there's probably another reason, Rory, because you fuck shit up all the time. Rory says she doesn't know anything. He'll just disappear and then show up at a hockey game with Distiller tickets. Lorelai waves to the car outside and then says she's confused, so Rory confesses that Lorelai doesn't know about the Distillers because she lied to her that night: "I didn't want to be that girl and you don't want me to be that girl but after the hockey game, I was that girl." She says she doesn't want to be that girl who lets her boyfriend treat her like dirt and then lies to her mother about it. Lorelai tells Rory to take a breath. She waves the car on. Rory says that something's going on with Jess and has been for a while. Lorelai says that Rory can't make him talk, and that it might be hard for him to talk. She then shouts out the window that they're never leaving the space; they're moving in and living in that space forever, so that car had better just drive along: "So find another friggin' spot!" And then three seconds later, she's pulling out of the space, because Rory has decided that she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Do you think it's the fact that Rory doesn't have Dean to save her anymore, to fall back on, that she doesn't want to be with Jess anymore? It's no fun to date a shithead if nobody's around to hear you complain.
Luke's apartment. Luke asks Jess if he's hungry and wants eggs. Jess -- never one for small talk -- says he knows Luke ran into his father. Luke says he did. Jess asks if he was going to tell him. Luke says he doesn't like Jess's father very much. Jess: "So because you don't like him that means I can't know he's here." Luke: "You know he's here." Jess: "No thanks to you!" Luke says that Jess shouldn't have found out about Neverwood from Luke anyway. Jess asks why Luke thinks he doesn't owe it to Jess to tell him that his father was there. Luke says with everything going on, he hoped Neverwood would just walk away. He complains that Neverwood did the wrong thing once again. Jess screams, "Who the hell are you to decide what the right thing is?" Luke shouts that he's the one saving Jess's ass all over Stars Hollow, writing checks to Kyle's father so he won't press charges: "You don't take everything seriously! That's why you're doing so crappy in school." He says he knows Jess is smart enough and that he reads more than anybody, so there's no reason Jess should be barely graduating. "I'm not," Jess says. "I'm not graduating." They then shout "Yes, you are" and "No, I'm not" back and forth for a while. Luke says that they had an agreement that Jess was going to live with Luke only if Jess went to school and graduated. Jess takes a few steps toward Luke, saying he didn't and he's not. Luke asks what's wrong with him. Jess says it's over and done. Luke asks what his life is now: "Wal-Mart full-time? That's your future?" Jess says it's no better than working at a diner. Luke screams that he owns this diner, and that he built it and made it what it is. He has no boss to impress for a couple hundred bucks and a plaque: "I'm always Employee of the Month. I'm Employee of the Year. Of the Century! Of the Universe!" I would like to point out right here that I cannot get a job in television. I have three specs, I'm about to have my second agency represent me, I've been trying for two years. Nothing. I would never have written that last line. And I promise if I ever do get a job, I'll never do anything to hurt you like this episode. Luke tells Jess he'd be so lucky to have a job like his. He tells Jess that he can live there one more year if he quits his job and takes twelfth grade over again. Jess screams that he's not going back to school. Luke says that Jess will now have to leave. He walks away. In the one-bedroom apartment. He basically stepped one foot away and sat down.
Morning. Lorelai has made coffee and breakfast for Rory, assuming that Rory wouldn't want to go over to Luke's. But it turns out that Lorelai just went by Luke's and picked up breakfast. Rory's grateful anyway, since she likes the pancakes. Rory points out Dean's engagement picture in the paper. Wow, Stars Hollow's newspaper comes out fast. And did Lindsay get her picture taken with Dean right after the funeral? Lorelai says that Dean and Lindsay are a good-looking couple. Rory says she doesn't understand why they have to get married. Lorelai says that maybe they have to do it before he grows so tall Lindsay can't talk to him anymore. Rory says she wants Dean to be happy. "I know," Lorelai says. "You're good in that department." Except Rory just made him miserable and he never wants to talk to her again. I guess she's not stressing over that too much, since nobody can resist a Gilmore. Ask Max. He filed a restraining order against himself. Rory and Lorelai decide to think good thoughts and hope that Dean's marriage turns out perfect. Thanks, ladies. You're so very. Rory shows Lorelai the picture of Kirk pinned by the casket; his pants were split, too. Lorelai hopes that Kirk doesn't ever take too close a look at his life. I just realized that Amy Sherman-Palladino's name was on this script as a co-writer. Do you think that means this script was actually worse and she came in and doctored it? Rory rips Kirk's picture out of the paper, to put on the fridge.
Rory's bus. Jess is sitting in The Graduate seat. Rory joins him back there. He says he thought she took an earlier bus. She says her first class was cancelled today. He asks what's been going on. Rory: "Nothing much. Fran died." Oh, I wish that could have been my recap. Just those four words. Jess and Rory sit quietly for a while. "I can't go to the prom," Jess says. "Couldn't get tickets." Rory says, "Oh." Jess apologizes. The bus stops. Rory says it's her stop. "Okay," Jess says. "So," Rory says. "You'll call me?" Y'all don't know! Y'all don't know! He love her! He do! Jess says, "Yeah. I'll call you." Rory gets up and leaves, giving one last look back at him. Jess immediately grabs a gigantic duffel bag that's sitting beside him that Rory somehow didn't notice. He takes a book out of it and starts reading. Don't you think Luke would have called Lorelai during all of this? And man does Jess hate Rory, if he didn't even say goodbye to her before he leaves for California. What a little shit. Jess closes the book. "[sighs]," says my closed captioning. Me too, closed captioning. Me too.