Why are the teasers for this show always so misleading and melodramatic? They made it sound like this was going to be a breakup episode. Don't get my hopes up, GG.
We begin with Emily's list of woes concerning the eldest Lorelai. Poor Emily has had more than a taste of her own medicine lately when it comes to that demanding woman known as her mother-in-law. Rory and Lorelai aren't even eating anymore. They're just watching Emily fret and complain. Lorelai begs for a moratorium on the Gran stories for a little while. "I should just wash my hands," Emily says, the "of her" is understood by all except Lorelai and Rory. They've got Rory in the Farrah hair now, and it looks even stranger on her, as if she's in a bad play. Man, Alexis is a really pretty girl. Lorelai is wearing a top that is half blue lace, half black fish-net and all quite ugly. "She sucks her olive pits," Emily continues. "Short moratorium," Lorelai notes to Rory. Emily complains that Gran sucks every last ounce of flavor out of her olives, just like she does to people. Lorelai asks for confirmation that Gran sucks flavor out of people. Lorelai says that Gran needs a "fella." Rory adds that he could be with or without an umbrella. "He'd have to look like an olive pit to get her attention," Emily says. Lorelai and Rory spin off on a Dean Martin roast tangent, complaining that the roasts aren't funny, but are rather mean. Then in a complete contradiction, they make the disclaimer that Don Rickles is always funny. I don't know a single person under thirty-five who finds Rickles even slightly funny. Emily is trying to remember if Gran's ever had a "fella," and seems to remember a man in her life at one time who was then suddenly gone. The set-up for the episode continues, and then Emily seamlessly segues into Rory's breakup. She gets Rory to confess that she's no longer seeing CuteDean; Rory apologizes for not telling Emily when it happened. Emily says she knew exactly when Rory stopped seeing Dean -- eleven Fridays ago. That's, like, three days in Gilmore time, isn't it? Emily momentarily chastises Rory for not telling her everything, pointing out that Emily might have had an embarrassing moment where she invited Dean to a function where they had mutual friends. Lorelai asks Emily to give an example of which mutual friends the Gilmores and the Forresters might have that would exclude Rory and Lorelai. Rory also admits that she's seeing someone new. Emily wants Jess to come to dinner so she can meet him in person. Rory and Lorelai bumble about why that's not such a good idea, since Rory's dating The Meanest Little Snotface On Earth. Emily threatens to meet Jess with a clan of other Gilmores at Rory's graduation, so Rory agrees to get Jess to take a night off work Friday to meet Rory's grandmother. Emily says it'll be nice, and that they'll have lamb. Rory gets Emily to promise that it'll be a nice event for everyone involved. The word "nice" is bandied about a bit. Lorelai interjects that it probably won't be nice for the lamb. And you know what that kinda joke means! Opening credits!
So, I guess it's supposed to be later on Friday night, because Lorelai and Rory are still wearing the same outfits, but now they're sitting at their kitchen table. Lorelai is sorting through a page of Post-It notes while Rory is highlighting her day planner with different-colored pens. Lorelai reads off her Saturday morning: hair, nails, and Jim -- the garbage disposal guy. Lorelai can't figure out the last thing on her list: "Rusha Plemishem." Rory tells Lorelai to get an electronic system, something that doesn't rely on pages of hand-scribbled notes. I don't listen to the couple of lines because my friend's name appears on the screen. Yay, Todd Lowe. Then I don't hear the couple because the name Daniel Palladino flashes on the screen, and that always makes me nervous. Anyway, Rory and Lorelai say they're too busy lately and that they should run away together. Lorelai asks Rory what her day tomorrow looks like. Rory says she'll be hanging out with Jess for most of the day and then studying at night. Lorelai says she has a dinner date with Alex tomorrow night. Rory says that'll be great because it'll be nice and quiet for when she studies. "I'm that loud?" Lorelai asks, incredulous. Rory: "You are when you dance around singing 'Rory's Studying' songs." Lorelai asks Rory for a Post-It translation: "Slatha Bang Tracking?" Rory tells her it means that Lane's band is practicing. Lorelai asks for further translation: "Net fracks?" It's "get snacks." For the band. Lorelai celebrates her perfect system. She asks Rory if she's really bringing Jess to dinner Friday. Rory thinks it'll be better, since there will only be one grandparent to contend with. At this point, Lorelai pours herself a cup of coffee. What time is it that she's got almost a full pot of coffee? That reminds me: it's time for my fourth cup of coffee. It is noon, after all. Lorelai admires Emily's guilt routine in a recap of the opening scene, in case you didn't tune in until after the credits. Rory asks if they're hanging out on Sunday. Lorelai says that Rory's written into her schedule. "Cokie," she reads. Rory says it's still pretty early, and asks if Lorelai wants to watch some of the supplementary stuff on the Lord of the Rings DVD. Lorelai says it's just drawings and "that fat guy" talking. Rory suggests they watch Footloose again. Lorelai agrees, grabs her things, and heads towards the living room. Rory points out that Lorelai dropped some of her notes. Lorelai says it doesn't matter since you can't read them anyway. And...scene.
On a park bench, Rory is showing Jess a book she just bought. It's called The Holy Barbarians, by a Venice Beach beatnik about Venice Beach beatniks. And apparently the author is James Lipton's father. Rory and Jess can't remember the name "James Lipton," for some reason, which is highly unlikely with their pop-culture recall. Jess then can't believe that a "weird, Beatnik-y" guy would have such a conservative son. I don't think of Lipton as conservative. Maybe that's because I can't think of him without thinking of David Cross's impression of him accepting his Cable ACE award: "I'd like to thank God for making me the vessel through which he speaks!" Rory wonders if at night Lipton takes off his clothes and parties. Jess complains about the mental image Rory just gave him. Rory tells Jess to admit that it's a cool book. Jess thanks her for it. Rory then says she didn't give it to him, and that she's still reading it. I guess she learned he's just going to scribble in all her books, so she'd better read them first. She takes the book back. He asks why she showed him if he couldn't read it yet. "You're a book-tease," he says. Boo. They begin walking back toward Luke's, since Jess's break is over. As they walk, Jess's arm around Rory's hip, Rory asks if Jess can be free Friday night. Jess says he can be. Rory tells him she'd like him to come to Friday dinner with her to meet Emily. Jess says he has to work. Rory begs, and Jess says no a few times. Rory tells him that she already agreed that he'd be there and now she's in a bind. Jess tells Rory to bring some other guy who looks a little like Jess, since Emily's never seen him before. "Just don't kiss him good night." He says that Andy Warhol used to do it all the time. Rory bribes him with the book she hasn't finished reading. Jess also makes her pay in kissing currency. "You Gilmores think a lot of yourselves," Jess says, stating the tagline for Season Three. Jess agrees to go, and Rory thanks him three times. She kisses him again, this time with a bit of a moan. Jess sure has her getting comfy with those public displays of affection. She runs off. "Manipulator!" he shouts after her. Before Rory can take another step, Miss Patty emerges from her studio and demands that Rory immediately come inside without asking any questions. Rory always does what she is told.
Inside Miss Patty's studio is a trick! She's kidnapped Stars Hollow residents and is forcing them to watch her rehearse scenes from her new one-woman show: Buckle Up! I'm Patty! CuteDean's there, with a conveniently empty seat beside him. He needs a haircut, pronto. His sides are all flippy and wispy, like he's trying to grow a mullet. CuteDean tells Rory he's been there an hour already. He says it's mostly been Patty and Kirk arguing about stuff. Kirk is the director of this off-off-off-off-Broadway masterpiece, and he's taking it all very seriously, with his director table, his director notes, his tiny green director lamp, and his stern director face. Kirk tells Patty to try one of her reminiscences. She says that's exactly what she was about to do as she flips through her script. CuteDean apologizes to Rory for not saving her. Miss Patty begins. It's a story about how she once met Bette Davis. She was a chorus girl in a bus-and-truck tour of Guys and Dolls: "Beantown! I love that town!" Bette walked backstage one night after the show. Kirk makes a note on his notebook, his head shaking unhappily. She walks right up to Miss Patty and declares: "Doll! Ya don't got the high notes, but ya sure got the gams!" CuteDean and Rory share a glare as Miss Patty says she'll always treasure that moment. She dedicates her song to Bette, and tells Ethel the piano player to hit it in the key of D. Kirk interrupts here, saying they'll have to rewrite that last monologue, since it got zero audience reaction. Miss Patty says this is her reminiscence, and it can't be rewritten. Kirk tries: "Doll, you've got the gams...but I've got a body in the trunk of my car." This causes a titter from the audience. Miss Patty asks why Bette Davis would say that. "Because she's a murderer," Kirk answers. Patty says she's not rewriting her memories. "It died," Kirk says. "Build a coffin for it. Put some pennies on its eyes, 'cause that stiff ain't breathin'." Miss Patty says they'll discuss it later, and asks him to go back to his light booth. The piano starts. Miss Patty begins to sing (but I think she's lip-synching) and suddenly the lights dim and a strobe light starts up. Hee. Kirk says it's his choice for the song. "It's disco!" Patty shrieks. Kirk says he's trying to subvert expectations. CuteDean and Rory are now enjoying the show. Miss Patty asks for a simple spot. "Something more obvious," Kirk snots. "Got it." Rory and CuteDean agree that this show is a hit and will run for years.
Cut to Rory and CuteDean leaving the studio, the strobe light still flashing behind them. Rory tells CuteDean that it was nice of him to step in and keep Miss Patty from hitting Kirk with a podium. Rory says that "work in progress" was the key phrase concerning that show. They make more small talk until they split into two different directions, sweetly and without a hug. I'm not buying that they don't even hug goodbye.
Rory's studying. She hears a strange noise at the front door. She turns off the television and goes to the door. She opens it, even though you can see through the glass that her mom's kissing Alex. But Rory opens the door and interrupts their kiss good night. Rory apologizes and offers to shut the door again. Alex and Lorelai decide that they've carried on enough. Lorelai tells Alex that she'll call him about the weekend. They kiss goodbye again, right in front of Rory. Alex leaves. Rory tells Lorelai that they need a signal to prevent this from happening again. Lorelai offers to shoot off flares before she starts kissing men on her porch, or she could bang on the door and announce the necking before they start. Before a signal is decided, Lorelai tells Rory that she wants to go away for the weekend to New York with Alex. He's got four tickets to a show and wants Jackson and Sookie to come along. Moving pretty fast here, huh? Anyway, this means they have to leave during the day for some reason that makes no sense, since Hartford is close to New York, and Stars Hollow is only a half-hour drive from there. Whatever; it means that Lorelai will be shacking up in New York with her new beau, leaving Rory and Jess to brave it alone at Emily's. Rory isn't fazed at all by this news, and in fact thinks this'll mean the dinner will go more smoothly. Lorelai can't believe that she's loud when Rory studies and makes social gatherings worse. She's just now figuring that out? The phone rings as Rory goes on about how much she loves Lorelai and knows that Lorelai has the best of intentions. It's Jess on the phone, and Rory walks into the other room to take the call.
Intercut with Jess in his room. He says that work was fine. He immediately wants to know what Rory did with her day -- every moment, every second. This is because he's already heard that Rory spent the day with Dean, and when she doesn't mention it and lies instead, he calls her on it immediately. She asks how he heard about it. He says it's all over town. He saw a flyer advertising Miss Patty's new show, which declares rave reviews from Rory and CuteDean: "Rory and Dean couldn't stop talking about it." Even the postman says that this show delivers, regardless of postage. Rory says that's an outright lie, because the postman isn't that witty. Rory and Jess then start that Cha-Cha and Danny "We did not go together, Sandy, we just went together" song and dance we all got so familiar with back when Rory was making the same excuses to Dean. Jess says he wants to punch Dean. Rory claims she was kidnapped. Jess asks her again to tell him first when these things happen so he doesn't have to read about them on telephone poles. She promises again. No apologies. Jess asks how the show went. Rory says it will need a lot of postage. Jess asks why the bottom of the flyer reads "Not in any way affiliated with Kirk." Rory says they had a "showbiz spat." Jess then asks in a way that sounds like he's only asking because he's supposed to: "Fill me in." And then, strangely, awkwardly, we fade to commercial, leaving the job of ending the scene to the Smallville promo.
Lorelai's kitchen. Sunday morning. Lane's band is eating snacks. Lorelai has remembered Brian's allergies and brought him melba toast instead. The band discusses their set, which I always find to be so boring -- listening to a band talk about the songs they've written and which order they should sing them in. Todd Lowe mentions that they don't have a love song yet. Lorelai immediately jokes that Lane and Dave should be writing love songs all the time now. Lane and Dave freak out while the rest of the clueless band acts clueless. Todd Lowe brags that he just bit a snack in such a way that it sounded like one of the drum fills in one of their songs. Lane and Dave call him awesome. Suddenly Todd Lowe remembers to ask why Lane and Dave would want to play love songs all the time. Lorelai stumbles out an explanation, that Dave's name ends in "V-E" and Lane's name starts with an "L" and if you change her "A" to an "O" you've got "L-O-V-E." This, of course, placates the band and all is well again. Brian says they should break stuff down because he's got dinner soon. Todd Lowe likes to point. He points at Brian and says that soon he won't be going home to dinner, because they'll be on tour and there will be no home. Brian and Todd leave, carrying snacks. Lorelai immediately apologizes to Lane and Dave for almost blowing their secret love. She asks how long they plan on keeping it a secret, since it seems like so much work. To prove this, Lane and Dave launch into a long discussion about the different routes they must take to leave Lorelai's in order to not be seen by MamaLane. Lane says it's not too complicated. Lane, Lorelai, and Dave then have to start yelling their lines because the background strummy-strummy-la-la is so loud that it's taking over the scene.
The loud music continues over to Luke's, where Lorelai actually shouts her greeting as she enters. Lorelai tells Luke to hurry on her coffee, because she's going to Manhattan this weekend and needs to go buy some warm, stylish clothes. Luke then recites, from kinda-creepy-stalker memory, the contents of Lorelai's closet to prove that she doesn't exactly need to buy any new clothes. Her bubble burst, Lorelai asks if he will just let her go buy some new clothes. Luke asks why she's going to New York. Lorelai stammers out a half-truth -- that a bunch of them are going to dinner and a show. He asks what show. He's heard of it. He's heard of all kinds of things because his new girlfriend likes the theatre. He even saw Hairspray last week. Last week when...he went on his first date with her. Lorelai's just finding this out now? He says he liked The Producers better. Lorelai is impressed with Luke's new girly side. Luke offers to loan Lorelai his walking-tour book. She says she loves stuff like that. Walking tours? She does not. Anyway, it's all just so that Lorelai can go upstairs and grab the book off Luke's dresser...
...and spot Rory and Jess making out on the couch, horizontal-style. Busted! Lorelai doesn't freak out like my mom did when I was Rory's age and caught in a similar position. Mom screamed, "Get out! Get out! Get out of my house! Get out now! Go home! You'll never see my daughter again!" Perhaps it's because both Jess and Rory are wearing their shirts. Anyhoo, Jess gives Lorelai the book and Lorelai just backs out quietly, saying they really do need to get a system. After Lorelai leaves, Rory gives Jess a sheepish grin. Man, just when he finally got her to loosen up into first base. He'll have to start all over with her now.
Back downstairs, Lorelai is outraged at the lukewarm-semi-teen-kinda-dirtiness happening upstairs. Luke explains that every ten minutes, he goes up and checks on them, pretending to need something. He has a box downstairs filled with odds and ends; every few days he goes back up and hides them all, starting over. I don't know how Jess and Rory haven't caught on and decided to just make out in Jess's car on a street somewhere like everybody else does. It kinda looks like Lorelai's wearing herself on her shirt. Lorelai makes Luke swear that he goes up every ten minutes, even when he's in the middle of serving someone. She pays for her drink and leaves, saying that ten minutes is pretty much all the time it took to make Rory, including getting dressed and freshening her lipstick. Luke tells Cesar to cover for him and storms upstairs.
Lorelai calls Rory upstairs, needing her once again. It's Friday morning, and Lorelai has a problem: she has no problem. She's totally packed, right down to the Spice Girls necklace she'll be wearing at Saturday morning's "whimsical" breakfast. For some reason, Alex and Lorelai coordinated their clothing choices down to the sock -- something I would never imagine Lorelai would be proud of. Now she doesn't know what to wear on the drive to New York. Rory asks if Alex is planning on wearing a jogging suit. "Yeah," Lorelai says. "And then after, he and Paulie are hitting the Bada Bing." Rory picks out Lorelai's stretchy jeans and Bunny Ranch t-shirt. Both of these items are in a pile on her chair. Lorelai digs them out, trying to ascertain which of her jeans are the stretchy ones. Lorelai asks how tonight is working. Rory is going to study at school and then to straight to Emily's from there. Jess will meet her at Emily's and then will drive her home. Lorelai's not so pleased that Rory and Jess will be coming home to an empty house. She used to encourage such things with Dean, remember? Rory says she's still the same girl and she's got so much on her mind, so many things going on in her life that she doesn't have time to think of "...that." Uh huh. Rory promises that she never even thinks of the "S" word. She also adds that she talks about everything to Lorelai, and that nothing will happen that she doesn't know about. The doorbell rings and Lorelai says that it's Alex. "Come on," she says, grabbing her suitcase as we fade to commercial.
Rory sits with Emily, waiting for Jess to show up. Emily says that Rory didn't have to change her clothes, but Rory says she felt a little dumb in her uniform. Emily says she'll miss it when Rory goes to college. Rory says she'll miss it, too. She says she likes not having to think about what she's going to wear, or who she's going to kiss, or what she's going to think, or thoughts, or thinking. Rory apologizes for Jess's lateness. Emily says they're fine, and that dinner will keep. She's being incredibly calm about all of this. Emily says there was a big tie-up on the 84 earlier, and Jess is probably stuck in traffic. She tells Rory to try him on his cell phone. Rory says that Jess doesn't have one -- that he doesn't believe in them. ["Of course he doesn't. Pinko." -- Wing Chun] Well, they exist, Jess, whether you believe in them or not. Why do you always have to be That Guy? The one who sucks? The one who can't be reached and is late? Emily says that she finds Jess's opinion refreshing, and that technology is encroaching too quickly on every aspect of life. She says it's getting to be where people will want robots to carry them from place to place. Now where's that housekeeper to tell her it's time to walk from the living room to the dining room? The doorbell rings. Rory runs to the door.
It's Jess all right, but he's got a heck of a wicked shiner. He's not talking about it, either. He apologizes for being late. Emily says it's fine and tells him to come inside where it's warm. Rory introduces Jess to her grandmother without offering a name for him to call her. Rory asks what happened to his eye. He says it's a long story and he doesn't want to bore her. Emily asks if it hurts; Jess says it's fine. Rory asks if that's why he was late. Jess says the 84 was jammed. Emily says they knew that. Then they make Kelly Bishop say "hopped up on Bennies and Goofballs," a joke that I think we used up during some John Hughes movie in 1985, didn't we? Emily tells them to take a seat at the table, and takes off. Rory tries to get Jess to tell her about the eye, but he won't. She asks if he was in a fight; he says he doesn't want to talk about it. She asks, he says no. She asks, he says no. She asks, he says no. Then he pulls this bullshit: "Look, Rory? I'm already in a crappy mood. Traffic sucked. Traffic I hit going to a function I didn't particularly want to go to. And I'm thirsty. And I am hungry. So. Let's eat." He's such an asshole, you guys. Would you ever want to be treated that way? Would you ever want someone you loved to be treated that way? He could just tell her what happened and then apologize for being late instead of being so condescending and rude to her. Asshole!
Rory points out his seat and then sulks over to her place at the table. Emily comes in and says that the roast looks perfect. Her voice echoes in the room. She asks if he eats meat; he does. She sits and makes small talk about eating meat. Emily says that dinner parties used to be simple but now every time she has one, she has to run her menu down with all of the attendees. Hear, hear, Emily. I'm throwing one tonight, and I've had to call every single guest because three don't eat red meat, two don't eat shellfish, two don't eat spicy food, two are "picky eaters," and two are allergic to the pets I own. I'm serving tapioca in a clean room, thanks for asking. ["Mmmmm, tapioca." -- Wing Chun] Emily beams and tells Jess she heard he's part of the Wal-Mart Corporation. He says it's only by necessity. Emily admits she's never been inside one, but she does own stock. Jess thanks her for the paycheck. Emily realizes he's making a joke and laughs politely. Rory's back to asking about the eye. He's back to not wanting to talk about it. She asks; he avoids. She asks, he tells her to stop. Emily excuses herself to get salt and pepper for the table. Jess asks Rory what her problem is. She says her problem is that he's not telling her the truth. Jess doesn't want to get into it here. Rory says she knows that obviously Jess must have gotten into a fight with Dean. Jess says, "Unbelievable." Rory asks if that's it. "It always comes back to Dean," Jess says. Rory says Jess brings it there. Jess says she brought it this time. Bicker, bicker, bicker. Jess yells, "Why are you pressing this? Why?" He says he's trying to make a nice impression on Emily and Rory's forcing him to do otherwise. He then complains about the raisins in the salad. Rory says that Jess never denied getting into a fight with Dean. Emily comes back into the room, asking Jess how he likes his prime rib. "Cooked," Jess spits. Rory quickly covers, explaining that he's not picky. Emily sits and tries to make more small talk, but Rory -- who has totally lost her freaking mind -- stands up and tells Emily that she needs to talk to Jess in the study. Emily offers to just leave the room, since obviously she isn't needed for this conversation and she's the least necessary person in her home, but Rory wants to take Jess in the other room so she can handle all of her problems loudly and immediately, just like a Gilmore should. Jess follows Rory, for a change.
In the study, Rory's immediately yelling that nothing happened at Miss Patty's with CuteDean. Jess says he didn't get into a fight with Dean. "Bull!" Rory yells. Oooh. She says she's going to find out what happened anyway, so Jess might as well tell her the truth. Jess asks what if Dean had sucker-punched him and he had to defend himself. Rory knows this never would have happened because Dean would never hit anybody. Didn't he hit Tristan? ["I think he just shoved him." -- Wing Chun] Rory says that Jess is "being a jerk" to her grandmother as well. Jess says he's doing his best. "If that means I'm being a jerk, then that's what I am." Suddenly Jess sounds exactly like Taryn Manning, that same scratchy slur. And I can't believe Jess just pulled the "that's what I am" card, my least favorite card to excuse assholic behavior. Jess says that Rory made him come here. He then makes fun of Rory's portrait. Rory says that Jess has embarrassed her in front of Emily. Jess says he's had enough. He says that if Rory's going to "harp on this," then he's leaving. Rory asks if she now has to explain to her grandmother why her boyfriend who was thirty minutes late and showed up with a black eye has now just suddenly left. Jess points out that Rory likes making up stories in her head, so this should be easy for her. Jess leaves, forgetting his coat, and taking her ride home with him. Emily asks if he's getting something from his car. "I don't think so," Rory says. We hear Jess's car start up. "He left," Emily says. "Yeah," Rory says. "He left." Emily says that Rory can take some prime rib back for him. She invites Rory in to eat.
Outside Levittown, Jackson, Sookie, Alex, and Lorelai try to make polite small talk about the show, since Alex spent a fortune on tickets. But Alex admits that the show sucked, and then they all gleefully bash the show like four recappers at an SNL movie. Lorelai and Sookie go on about how horrible the songs were. "I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm mad!" Sookie rewrites the song with the same two notes. Alex says they should go out, get loaded and keep joking about how bad the show was. Sookie keeps singing as they grab a cab. Lorelai tells Alex that he's nice. Lorelai opens her cell phone. Alex reminds Lorelai that she told him not to let her call Rory for the wrong reason. Lorelai says he's right. Jackson calls them over to get in the cab. "Putting away my phone now," Lorelai says. "Good girl," Alex coos. Ooh, I hated it when Max said it to her and I hate it now. She's not a dog.
Rory's cell phone rings. It's Lorelai, calling early in the morning from her fancy Manhattan hotel room, Alex nowhere to be seen. Rory spent the night at Emily's. She gives Lorelai the quick rundown of her huge fight with Jess. She says that Emily was incredibly nice and understanding about it all, and that Jess was the one who was a big jerk. "He showed up with a big black eye," Rory says. "A black guy?" Lorelai asks. It's an easy joke, but it always makes me laugh. Lorelai asks whether Jess got into a fight with Dean. Rory says he did, and that he was all standoffish about it. Lorelai apologizes. Rory says she's okay. Emily enters the room, saying she made breakfast. She asks if Jess is on the phone. Rory says it's Lorelai, who asks to talk to Emily. Rory hands Emily the phone and leaves the room for breakfast. Lorelai immediately thanks Emily for being so cool and understanding about the whole Jess thing and for not making it worse on Rory. Emily listens to this fifty-word appraisal and then says, "How can you let your daughter be with that abominable thug?" Emily goes off on Jess -- how he's rude and insensitive, how he's late, how she wanted to slap his monosyllabic mouth. She calls him Lord Jim, and worries that his attitude towards cell phones and his tendency to wreck cars will leave Rory and Jess stranded and dead some day. Lorelai reads the paper as Emily shouts that Jess belongs in jail. ["Emily has never been more right." -- Wing Chun]
Stars Hollow. Pan down to Taylor's lengthy crosswalk explanation sign. Lane's band, sans Lane, stops at the red light. They discuss where to get some food. Dave freaks when he sees MamaLane walking down the street. Busted again. MamaLane sees Dave, and immediately demands to know who these unwashed boys in the car are. Dave explains that this is his Christian "combo" that he plays with sometimes. "Oh, good," MamaLane says. "With just a guitar it can sound thin." MamaLane warns Dave that Lane has a crush on him, and to be careful. She knows that Dave is a serious boy and she doesn't want him to be shocked. Dave thanks MamaLane for the warning. She says she might book the combo sometime, to "mix it up a little." She leaves. Dave tries to change the subject as they drive away.
Doose's. Rory -- who can't trust her boyfriend but never doubts her ex-boyfriend for a second -- is looking for Dean to find out what happened to Jess's eye. As soon as Dean says he didn't punch Jess, Rory believes him, trusts him, loves him. Dean's pretty happy that Jess is sporting a shiner, though. Dean says he doesn't really like talking about Jess, and that he's got to get back to work. He apologizes for not being able to solve the mystery. Rory leaves.
Jess enters Luke's. Luke stops him and calls him Petey the Dog. Jess is evasive again. Luke asks why he got into a fight with Dean. Jess says it wasn't Dean and that he wishes people would stop assuming that. Luke asks if Emily punched him. The phone rings. It's Rory, and Jess tells Luke to tell her that he's not there. "Get a clue, Columbo," he says. Asshole! Luke can't understand why Jess doesn't want to talk to Rory. This is all too much for Luke, so he pulls Jess into the stock room.
Luke tells Jess that he's his responsibility and now that Jess is exhibiting signs of violent behavior he needs to know what is going on. Jess says that Luke wouldn't believe him. "Try me, tough guy," Luke says. Jess admits: "A swan. I was attacked by a swan, okay?" Luke tries not to laugh as Jess explains how he was walking away from the dock and this vicious swan came out and beaked his face. Luke says he's never heard anyone use the word "beak" as a verb before. Jess says this isn't funny: "That stupid bird attacked me!" Luke accidentally lets out a tiny laugh, and then keeps it in check. Jess goes on about how the bird is vicious and could have blinded him. Jess leaves.
Luke goes back into the kitchen and sees Jess grabbing a ladle. He asks Jess what he's doing. Jess says he's going to do a little "beaking" of his own. Luke asks Jess not to use the new ladle. "Take the baster!" he shouts as we fade to commercial.
I guess Luke just left his diner again because now Jess and Luke are on a rowboat in Dawson's Creek. They can't find the swan. Luke asks if the swan attacks like the rabbit in Monty Python. Luke asks what Jess said to the Gilmores about his eye. Jess says he didn't, and that he's just glad this is all behind him. Luke says that Jess has got nothing behind him. He says there will be plenty more events like that in the future. He says that when you date a girl like Rory, you're dating her whole family. Luke says that when Jess dated Shane, he dated her entire petri dish. Jess says Shane was easy to figure out. "And you were bored from Day One," Luke reminds him. Jess says he wanted to date Rory and not her family. Luke says that all of these people come with the girl. Jess says that it's everybody including Dean. "She picked you," Luke reminds her. Jess doesn't know why. Luke says that Rory knows, and that's all that matters: "Being jealous of Dean is pointless. You're just gonna drive Rory away." Jess calls Luke Dr. Phil as Luke tells him he has to talk to Rory and not shut down all the time, avoiding her calls. Jess says he didn't want to talk and he doesn't know when he'll want to talk to her again, but that she'll find him eventually. Asshole. Luke says that eventually Rory won't want to look for him anymore. Jess says he won't be a wuss like Dean. Luke points out that Dean "had that girl" for two years. Jess is having major problems in two months. Jess says he doesn't care. The swan swims past. Jess tells him to watch it. "I'm watching!" Luke says. "It's pretty!" The swan swims past without a problem. Luke teases him until Jess rows to shore.
Lane sets up her drums as Rory frets that Jess hasn't called her back yet. Lane says that she and Dave haven't fought yet since they haven't actually started dating. Rory says she needs Lane to start having boy troubles so they can commiserate. Like a wish granted, the garage door opens up and the rest of the band enters. Todd and Brian say they need to get something out in the open -- a secret that Dave has been keeping. See, they just found out that Dave...is a Christian. And they think that's pretty damn cool: "Christians can still rock!" As long as the band doesn't have to play any Creed or Amy Grant, everything's going to be fine. Wah-wah-wah-waaaaaaaaaah!
Lorelai's back with Alex, whom she kisses in front of Rory. Lorelai complains that she's drifting from lack of food. Rory says she'll take care of Lorelai for now. Rory leaves to get take-out, people still all over her house.
Outside Luke's, Jess sees Rory walk past, her arms full of take-out. He leaves the diner and runs up to her. She's totally forgiven him, I guess, and is just happy to have him talking to her again. He says he was going to call her, but she would have been out. She says she knows there was no fight with Dean, since she asked Dean. She apologizes for doubting Jess, and says she needs to trust him like she trusts Dean. Jess says he promises to try not to have a black eye the time he goes to Emily's. This pleases Rory greatly, and they start kissing. She asks what happened to Jess's eye. He lies, saying that a football hit him in the face. She coos and nurses and pouts. Then there's more kissing and kissing, making out and tonguing until it's pretty obvious that Jess and Rory want to get naked and forget about the take-out. Rory says she has to go deliver food to her mother, but tells Jess not to forget what he's thinking. Jess says he can't think of anything else. I can't wait for the episode when Jess buys condoms from Doose's market and Dean has to ask, "Paper or plastic?"
Back at home, Rory enters with all the food. All the food in the world. Lorelai pulls it out and sets it up to eat, but Rory wants to talk a little about sex. She tells Lorelai that she's thinking about it now. "It." Thinking about "it." Rory says that nothing's happened yet but it might -- maybe. With Jess. Lorelai makes a sad noise. Rory asks if she should still tell her everything. Lorelai says this is a little weird, but that she wants Rory to talk to her about it, and to tell her before it happens. "Right before?" Rory asks. Lorelai says just "before" would be good. Rory says she will. Lorelai says this is good. Rory agrees. They turn to their food. They eat in complete silence, staring straight ahead. Slowly, Lorelai puts one protective arm around Rory's shoulders. Rory keeps eating and then slowly puts her arm up and around Lorelai's waist. She hops a little in place. It's a really good scene and the best ending this show's had in a year.