Well, they can't all be winners, can they?
Previously: Lorelai and Christopher had a baby named Lorelai, who grew up to be Rory. Luke met a lady. Christopher's having another baby with another lady who's not his wife.
We open at Emily and Richard's. Lorelai and Emily are bickering, wondering which aunt hiked up her skirt in front of the Town and Country photographer one Christmas. Richard is tuning the two women out. Rory shows up late from Chilton; Richard is suddenly all ears. Rory hands Lorelai two books that she just picked up. They're travel books for the vacation Lorelai and Rory are taking to Europe after Rory graduates. You know, the trip we just recently started hearing about -- the trip that's not Rory's lifelong goal to go to Fez? Richard and Emily are horrified that Lorelai and Rory are going to backpack through Europe and stay in youth hostels. Actually, at first they assume Lorelai and Rory are kidding, so they giggle and smirk, offering to join them with their tents and cutoffs. Emily can't imagine why the girls would want to traipse around Europe with their possessions strapped to their backs. Richard forbids it, saying it's unsafe. He tells them to call his travel agent. Rory whines that they want to be spontaneous -- to jump trains to Paris and head off to Spain. Cue the Rain-in-Spain joke. Richard says they can travel aimlessly but stay in a nice hotel. Lorelai says they want to do it cheap. Emily offers to pay for the trip. Lorelai refuses. Rory says it's going to be fine. Lorelai reminds them that kids do this all the time. Emily reminds Lorelai that Lorelai is not a kid (news to all of us, I know), but a grown woman. She asks what people will think when they see a grown woman bunking down with a bunch of twenty-year-olds. Lorelai says that if the twenty-year-olds are cute, they'll think: "Lucky." Rory promises that it's going to be great. Emily reads a page from the book, which raves about the lessons learned in being a refugee without the luxuries of a bed. Lorelai promises that it'll be fine. Emily says that on her first trip to Paris, she stayed at the Ritz. Lorelai promises to eat out of the Ritz's dumpster. Richard and Emily mug, mug, mug and we fade to opening credits.
Doose's Renovations. The foreman's name is Tom, and CuteDean's giving him a helping hand. The foreman tells CuteDean to pick up the food order, and to remember to pick up the pickles. Miss Patty stops him, however, with a "Dean-o, Dean-o, Dean-o." She jokes that if he gets any taller, she'll have to get some mountain-climbing equipment. It appears that Miss Patty recently had a battle with a pair of curtains and decided to wear the spoils of victory. CuteDean tells Miss Patty that she's getting dangerous to walk near. Gosh, since Rory walked away all the single women of Stars Hollow are climbing over each other to flirt with CuteDean, huh? Can't blame them. CuteDean asks if Miss Patty's looking for Taylor. Miss Patty says she's not, she's "just lookin'." CuteDean understands and leaves with an "Enjoy." Miss Patty promises that she always does. She watches a passing construction worker and makes a noise of pure glee.
Luke's. Jess asks a bunch of times to see what Luke is reading. Eventually, he steals the book from Luke's hand, something we all know Jess is quite good at. Watch it Luke -- that kid'll scribble notes in your margins before you can blink. Anyway, Luke's reading a restaurant guide because he's got a hot date with Nicole. Jess teases Luke for having a date. Luke says that Nicole is a nice lady who probably expects a really nice restaurant with sparse but elegant décor. Jess tells Luke that he's pathetic when he's in love. Luke says he's not in love; he's dating, and this is what people do when they're dating. Jess says he doesn't do all of this for Rory, and Luke lies, calling Rory a lucky girl. Luke excuses himself to go upstairs, and Jess promises that if a horse-drawn carriage arrives, his "throwing-up will be eternal."
CuteDean arrives and walks to the counter, telling Jess he has to place an order. Jess tells him to talk into the clown. "I am," CuteDean says. There's no way Jess would have set him up for such an easy shot. CuteDean reads the order: "Six burgers. Three with cheese -- two cheddar, one Swiss. Two plain, one with chili, cheese and onions on the side." Jess has yet to put pen to paper, so CuteDean asks Jess if he's remembering all of this. Jess says that CuteDean is placing an order for all of Connecticut. CuteDean says it's for the construction workers door. "Oh, you're Taylor's errand boy now," Jess realizes. "And you're Taylor's waitress," CuteDean zings. It's 2-0. "Say that a little closer," Jess says. "I thought you had a girlfriend," CuteDean sasses back. Remember when their conversations were exactly like this, but the character names over the lines were switched? Jess asks for the order. CuteDean repeats: "Six burgers. Three with cheese -- two cheddar, one Swiss. Two plain, one with chili, cheese and onions on the side. Three ham on rye - one mayo, one mustard, one combo." CuteDean starts to tell Jess what a combo is, but Jess already knows. CuteDean apologizes, and says that the confused look on Jess's face must be there all the time. A wordy dis, and a total miss. Yes, I promise to let you know if they ever decide to stop this scene about a lengthy order of food. No, I don't know why we have to watch it. "Four hot dogs. Two egg salads on white. One chicken salad on wheat. A chef's salad with ranch. Five fries. Five onion rings. Two chips. Extra pickles." Jess asks what the extra pickles are on. This confuses CuteDean, and there is much discussion about where the extra pickles go. Jess wonders if they go on the side of the burgers, on the side of the sandwiches, or on the side of the road, where he's planning on ditching CuteDean's body. Lengthy, and ineffective. CuteDean then asks Jess to read the order back, which causes another discussion about whether or not Jess needs to read the order back. CuteDean reminds Jess that these are men who work for Taylor, which means they'll keep sending the order back until it's right, which could take the rest of Jess's short life. Jess starts: "Six burgers. Three with cheese -- two cheddar, one Swiss." CuteDean interrupts and asks Jess to go more slowly so that he can check each item off as Jess says it. Jess shakes his head, and slowly continues with the order. CuteDean happily scribbles into the notepad. End of really long scene about a food order. Whatcha doin'? Fishin'?
Okay, this is a big setup for no payoff, so I'm not going to dwell on it. I'm not sure why we even have this scene here except maybe the prop department had some extra things they thought would be fun. Independence Inn. Lorelai's on the phone, saying she just wants the person on the phone to be happy with his or her party. "No problem," she says, and hangs up. She walks over to Michel and says that "Ridgemont called." She's walking nervously. "No," Michel says. Lorelai tells him that Ridgemont, whoever that is, is changing his mind about the theme for his retirement party again. Michel begins to pout and whine. Lorelai says he needs to call the florist. Michel tells us that this is the fourth theme Ridgemont has picked. He had a fishing one, and a Kentucky Derby one, and a Tibet one with Richard Gere pictures everywhere. "I know!" Lorelai says, which obviously she would. Michel says that Ridgemont promised that golf would be the last theme. Lorelai says he thinks golf is dull and doesn't want to be remembered as dull. Michel says he can help make Ridgemont be remembered as limping.
Lorelai walks into the banquet hall, which is completely decorated in a golf theme. When's the party, in an hour? Lorelai says, "Hey, guys?" Her gigantic team of party planners and decorators moan and groan, pulling golf clubs out of the ceiling. Lorelai apologizes and moves on through the hotel. Michel walks beside her with his new idea for a theme: Ridgemont's impending death. Lorelai takes a bucket of golf balls out of Lane's lap. "He changed his mind," she says to Lane, who is suddenly working at the Inn on what must be a school day. "Again," Lane says, and walks out of the lobby of the hotel. Lorelai hands baskets and baskets of golf balls to a caterer, who passes by gigantic golf-ball statues. All this time, Michel has been explaining how they can bury Ridgemont alive and beat him with shovels. Michel asks what the new theme is. "He's calling me back at 4," Lorelai says. When's that? What day is it? What will everyone do with all of the decorations? Where's the joke? Who's Ridgemont? Why is Lane there?
Rory runs in with golf flags, and realizes that good ol' Ridgemont must have changed his mind again. Lane says that our friend Ridgemont is worse than her mother at the Glory of Easter t-shirt stand. Lane runs off to God knows where. Lorelai asks if Rory kept the receipt and then whines that this party is going to be the death of her. "Or someone," Michel says. Lorelai again tells him to call the florist. Rory: "You're stressed." Lorelai: "You're observant." Pamie: "You're stalling." Rory sits with Lorelai on the couch, saying she has something that'll cheer Lorelai up. It's an invitation to Sherry Teasdale's C-Section. "Friday, February 7th. 6 PM. Join the girls for a toast, a hug, a wave to the mommy as they wheel her off. Dinner at Sushi Sushi. An then back to the hospital for a formal viewing of brand-new baby Georgia. R.S.V.P. at your earliest convenience. P.S. -- gifts are not necessary, but appreciated." Lorelai says she doesn't know where to start. Rory lets Lorelai keep the invitation, but tells her not to lose it, since Rory needs the phone number. Rory says she kind of wants to see Georgia, since she's sort of her sister. "She's more than sort of your sister," Lorelai reminds her. Rory says she thinks it'll be cool to meet her on the night that she's born. Rory decides to go, since Lorelai tells her to. Lorelai suddenly remembers to end this endless scene, so she walks to the kitchen, and opens the door. Sookie has just finished the final icing bubble on a gigantic golf ball cake. Sookie gets the news and flips the cake into the garbage, wasting even more dollars of the Independence Inn's money.
So, it's a Beanie Baby party now. I guess it's after 4. Lorelai and Rory carry about thirty Beanie Babies out of the Jeep. I guess that's supposed to just be enough. And why is it a Beanie Baby retirement party? Do people still collect those things? Lorelai tells Rory to hold her breath so that this party theme takes. Rory asks how Sookie's supposed to plan a Beanie Baby menu. "Lots of beans," Lorelai answers. Rory says that this is ridiculous. Lorelai says there are times in your life when you have to do ridiculous things for money. I'll consider that a shout-out. Lorelai says that if you're Adrian Zmed, that includes everything that ever happens in your career. The girls have carried the Beanie Babies home, for reasons that are so unimportant we aren't told. There's a box on the front porch of their house. Rory swears she didn't order any new books from Amazon. The box is from Emily. "It's heavy," Lorelai says. "Must be her hopes and dreams for me." Lorelai opens her unlocked front door and walks inside.
Lorelai and Rory walk into their house. Lorelai tells Rory to drop the Beanies by the door. Rory does. The box is filled with travel books from Richard's study. They're books about fancy hotels in Europe from the '70s and '80s. Lorelai says this'll help a tremendous amount in the planning of their trip. She asks Rory if she wants to go see the Berlin Wall. She says she remembers these books from when she was a kid. She says she's pretty sure she's the only person in the house who ever read them.
Whoa! This sudden realization is causing a flashback! Hold on to your hats, kids, because we're going into sepia tones! I absolutely do not understand the thought process that went into the casting of young Lorelai and young Christopher, who will now be referred to as Borelai and Christophake. They're both really, really, really, really, really, really, r-e-a-l-l-y, bad actors. I mean, bad actors. Six burgers. Three with cheese -- two cheddar, one Swiss bad actors. Every line sounds like they're standing on a stage and we're at high-school dinner theater eating stringy lasagna pretending to really enjoy this production of Same Time Year put on by two virgins who have no idea what real pain is yet. These kids yell and shout their lines like we might not realize how young they're supposed to be. And the lines are written for grown-up Lorelai and Christopher, so they sound like all of the horribleness of Igby Goes Down with all of the bad acting of Crossroads. Loud does not mean emotion, you young actors out there. Especially when you're not on stage. I think Christophake is actually just a tiny bit Asian. Borelai has a really annoying nasal quality to her voice that gets right under your skin and makes you quiver when she talks. She's so Princess-y. Ugh! I hate it! Borelai goes through a huge song and dance about taking her sweater off and dropping it on the floor just to make sure that Emily isn't home. Where's her maid? Fired. Why? Well, it's hard to understand Borelai, and when I repeat her lines my eyes bleed, but from the best I can tell, Sophia the maid was fired because "she touched the backfire unicorn." And really, haven't we all? The kids realize they're all alone, so the go straight to the booze. Well, I guess it's no secret how Rory came to be, huh? Borelai says "Hear, hear!" a few times, as Christophake pours her a glass of baby-making sauce. And here we have the word "cherry," as Borelai asks for one in her drink. I'm telling you, "cherry" is the new "amazing." Borelai reads from the same travel book that future Lorelai is daydreaming over. Borelai complains about her parents' fabulous vacations all around the world where they stay in exotic locations only to talk to people from America. Christophake and Borelai drink their booze. Christophake tells Borelai he's decided he's not going to go to college. He says he's going to backpack in Europe for a year. He hasn't told his parents yet. He says it doesn't matter, and that he's out of here as soon as he gets his diploma. He tells Lorelai that she's going with him. I guess she doesn't get to go to college? Well, it is a boy telling her what to do...so...she agrees to go. What's with Borelai's tiny tie? It looks like punctuation. Borelai and Christophake kiss on their bad plans, and boom -- Borelai's pregnant. That's how it works, kids, in case nobody told you. You get pregnant by kissing boys who tell you what to do.
Rory finally stops us from this horrible flashback before we have to see sophomore and student council treasurer Tommy Rigalstein dressed as a tree, giving his lengthy monologue about the changing of seasons. Lorelai and Rory decide they'll only stay at fancy places. "Hear, hear," Rory says. See? She's just like her mother! I can't stop the tears! Lorelai says they'll have to figure out how they're going to pay for their trip now. She asks Rory, who's off-camera, how good her organ-grinding is. They've added a piano to the strummy-strummy, which I guess is supposed to tap into our Afterschool Special hypothalamus. Lorelai wanders down the hallway and they fade out, apparently deciding that this is a good place for the very first commercial break.
I'm now so bored and so disappointed with the first flashback episode that I do a load of laundry and vacuum, wishing that sometimes when the episode is so unworthy of ever revisiting, we just vote not to recap it, put it out of rotation, and as a group pretend it never existed. Let's give this episode a Beanie Baby party, shall we?
Chilton. Fraulein and Louisa are discussing Paris and her new boyfriend. They're just now deciding to talk about it. They think it's a good thing that Paris has a boyfriend. They wonder why Paris didn't tell them about the boy. They ask Rory what Jamie's like. Rory says she doesn't ever feel like talking about Paris again. The girls ask if Jamie's sexy, if he has a trust fund, or if he has friends. Louisa asks if there's a spinoff possibility, giving themselves a shout-out. Paris storms by, calling another group to order for some reason. She passes out the photo of the Yearbook staff that they're going to use. She says she got one for everyone, so they don't need to re-enact a Barney's clearance sale. Rory sees that she's sneezing in the picture. Paris says that every picture had something wrong with it, so she picked the one that was the best for the largest number of people. Rory says they took ninety pictures, and that she has a hard time believing this was the best one. She says she looks like she's in Cirque du Soleil. "Life can play some cruel tricks sometimes," Paris says. I'll say. Back when my comedy troupe was taking headshots, about five years ago, we were all on the back patio of this bar. The photographer was keeping the shutter open for a number of seconds so that the shot had some action to it. There were nineteen of us in the troupe at the time. I was sitting on some stairs in the top middle of the photograph. But the photographer didn't tell us when he was taking the pictures, on purpose, so the shots looked candid and casual. The shot that the producer picked was one where apparently I was turning my head back and forth as I talked to two people on either side of me. Or there was a glare on my face. Something. I looked exactly like The Elephant Man. Exactly. It looked like my face was melting, that I was crying with pain as the sun warped my pretty, pretty face. Everyone found it amazingly hysterical. It happens, Rory. You're lucky your Yearbook picture isn't getting sent to HBO, okay?
Rory gets a cell-phone call. It's Maureen, one of Sherry's annoying friends, who is very busy at work but had to call Rory to tell her that Sherry is now in labor. Sherry screwed up, and went ahead and went into labor a full week before her scheduled C-section. She asks if Rory can reschedule school to come down to the hospital. "She completely screwed up, but she's still our Sherry," Maureen says. She's not Rory's Sherry. Rory tells Maureen that she's actually done with school for the day and that she can take a train into Boston. Maureen says that would be the best and tells Rory she's a great kid. Maureen hangs up and Rory just walks right out of the classroom without a word to Paris. Walking out of a Paris-held Yearbook meeting? Rory just signed her own expulsion papers.
Flashback! Emily's house. Emily has long red hair. She's setting up for Borelai's coming-out photograph. Emily tells the Flock of Seagulls photographer that she's just going to go upstairs and fetch the ever-tardy Borelai.
Upstairs, Borelai can no longer fit into her gown because she's pregnant, but I guess she doesn't understand why it won't fit. Borelai's room is filled with scary dolls. Where's the gigantic dollhouse? Emily barges into the room and tries to zip the dress. She freaks out, saying the dress is too small. She says they had the dress fitted three months ago. Three months pregnant and Borelai doesn't know it yet? Emily asks Borelai if she's gained weight. Borelai rolls her eyes and says no. There is much pulling and yanking of the zipper. Emily decides they can't have her picture taken with that dress. I don't see why; it's not a 360 shot. But Emily says the dressmaker will have to fix the dress and they'll reschedule. As Emily turns to leave, she tells Borelai to put on her sweats and run around the block so she'll fit in the dress no matter what. Borelai turns back to the mirror and stares at herself, somehow realizing at just this moment that she must be pregnant. And how does she realize this? A whimper, a moan...a look to the left...a look to the right...another moan...a shoulder shrug...a sigh...a pout...a guilty expression on her face as she suddenly realizes that unprotected, boozy sex might make a baby!
Luke's. The flashback is thankfully over. Lorelai is babbling that she has five minutes to drink as much coffee as she can before she has to spend the evening alone with Emily in Hartford. She then realizes that the world isn't listening to her every syllable like it normally does, so she asks whom she's talking to. Kirk's in the room and says he's listening. Lorelai asks Kirk seven questions without a pause for an answer. Luke walks out, but I don't recognize him at first because he's not wearing his baseball hat and he's dressed up. Lorelai starts ordering, not even bothering to notice for five seconds what he's wearing. Then she asks why he shaved and dressed up. He pours her a cup of coffee, and she finally tells him that he looks nice. Nicole shows up at this point, and Lorelai realizes that Luke has a date. Just as Luke and Nicole are about to leave, Nicole gets a cell-phone call. In the one moment this episode that makes me honestly laugh, Nicole takes her phone call while, behind her, Lorelai and Luke are in a silent fight about how nobody's allowed to be on a cell phone inside Luke's diner. Luke has to physically restrain Lorelai from yanking the phone out of Nicole's hand. Luke and Nicole leave.
I guess it really doesn't matter what time it is, does it? I mean, if Luke and Nicole are leaving on their date, it's probably supposed to be 7 or 8, but Rory just showed up at the hospital in Boston, and Lorelai should already be at Emily's if she's going there for Friday dinner, and I don't know when exactly it was supposed to be that Rory opened the C-section invitation because they said week but then today they said week and an entire week had to have passed if Rory and Lane were working at the Inn and then they were...Beanie Babies, Beanie Babies, Beanie Babies. Maureen has no idea who Rory is for a few seconds and then thanks her for coming. It turns out that Rory's the only one of every single person in Sherry's life who has come to the hospital. That is the saddest thing I've ever heard. Not one friend, not one family member, and of course no Christopher. Just Sherry and Rory. Maureen warns Rory not to mention to Sherry how fat she is, and how sensitive she is about it today. ["That is absolutely my biggest peeve about pregnancy. Sherry isn't fat. She is PREGNANT. GOD." -- Wing Chun] Maureen excuses herself to go back to work. Everybody keeps really strange hours, don't they? Friday nights are the busiest times for these working women. Maureen reminds us again that Sherry screwed up, and she runs out of the hospital as fast as she can.
Inside the hospital room, Sherry tells Rory she's so glad she's here. Sherry is now a complete platinum blonde, which makes absolutely no sense, since you cannot dye or bleach your hair when you're pregnant. Sherry's freaking out because Christopher's out of town. Sherry pants and whines that she can't go back to work because she has to stay at the hospital. Sherry can't believe nobody's there. Sherry says she can't do this by herself and that this wasn't supposed to happen until week. "I wrote it down!" she yells. She pants and and pants and repeats, "I wrote it down." She shrieks: "I wrote it down!" She fake-cries. Rory tells her, "Boy, do you look thin." Commercial. Man. I remember when Mädchen Amick was the sexiest thing on television. I don't understand what has happened.
Emily's. Emily says it's a rare treat to have the evening alone with her daughter, uncoerced. They chat about how Rory is at the hospital, and other plot points we already know. Emily makes martinis. Lorelai asks where the maid is tonight. Emily says that Leilani usually takes Sundays off, but she asked to switch tonight, and since it was just the two of them, Emily agreed to switch the schedule. After discussing the schedules of the servants, Emily and Lorelai chit chat about what nationality Leilani must be (Hawaiian), and how they will eat food (Leilani made a roast that Emily reheated). And do you younger ones even know who the C&H Pure Cane Sugar dancers are? Lorelai and Emily sit with their martinis and talk about how much time Richard has been spending away on business. Lorelai asks Emily what she does when Richard's away. Emily says she keeps the house running, in addition to her DAR meetings and the thousands of phone calls she needs to make. Lorelai asks what Emily does at night, when she can't make phone calls, take meetings, or order people around. Emily asks if Lorelai's insinuating something. Lorelai says she isn't. Emily says she has a nightly phone call with Richard. Lorelai asks what she does after that -- watch television? Emily says she doesn't watch that much television: "I don't find forensic work quite as fascinating as the rest of the world." Good line. Emily can't figure out where the TV Guide is, and she hates not seeing a movie from the beginning, so she ends up not watching much television. Lorelai says that Emily could get a DVD player, but Emily argues that she doesn't need one. Lorelai says that Emily could watch all of her musicals then. "I'm not an invalid, Lorelai," Emily scoffs. "Of course you are, Mother," Lorelai says. "Why else would I suggest a DVD player?" Another good line. Emily asks to drop the conversation. She gets up and walks to the dining room. Lorelai follows her, informing her that the conversation doesn't just end when Emily changes rooms.
Whoa, we slipped into a flashback! The wall, it's a time portal! Emily, Richard, Straub, and Francine are debating the futures of their newly pregnant children. It would have been nice to see the moment when Borelai and Christophake discussed her being pregnant, or the moment that they told their parents, but instead we get this discussion of how Borelai must be a slut to allow this to happen, and how she should be sent somewhere, or Borelai and Christophake should get rid of it. Finally Richard puts his foot down (and his dye on) and announces that the kids will get married and live in the Gilmore mansion, and Christophake will work for him. Richard excuses himself to go back to work. Straub wonders why Christophake has to work at Richard's company. The camera pans up to Borelai and Christophake, who are listening at the top of the stairs. Borelai is whining and pouting that they aren't being asked what they want. Christophake thinks that living in the phat pad with the cush job might not be so bad after all. Lorelai says they're supposed to go to Europe. Christophake realizes that he now has to get a job and make money, but Borelai's not done screaming and whining the word "no." Christophake's all, "It's okay. Really." Borelai just rolls her eyes again, ready to leave the first of many men at the altar.
Back in the present, Sherry has put Rory to work, making phone calls late on a Friday night, rescheduling all kinds of things that Sherry needs done from her dayplanner. No Palm Pilot? I find that hard to believe. ["Also, you are totally not allowed to use cell phones in hospitals." -- Wing Chun] As Rory prepares to reschedule a guy named Sheldon, Sherry warns her, "Don't tell him I'm pregnant. He hates pregnancy." I actually haven't heard anything so offensive since my mom told me what it was like trying to get a job when she was my age. And then they made a law so that people couldn't do that. The nurse comes in and asks how "we" are doing. ["And doesn't tell Rory to turn off that damn cell phone? Bullshit." -- Wing Chun] Sherry has yet to have a contraction, so I'm wondering if she's really in labor at all. The nurse needs to know who's going to be in the delivery room while Sherry has the baby. Sherry says that her "fiancé" is on his way. I'm surprised that she just doesn't call him her husband, what with her baby shame and all. The nurse asks who will go in if Christopher doesn't get there before the baby comes. This confuses Sherry, of course, and she says they'll just have to wait for him. The nurse explains that it'll be tough to wait for Christopher once the baby wants to arrive. Sherry says it'll have to be Rory. She's not old enough to be allowed in the delivery room, is she? Rory, of course, says she'll do it, and the nurse leaves to fetch her a gown and gloves. Sherry is pleased. Rory excuses herself for a cup of coffee. Sherry offers to make the few calls herself.
Out in the hallway, Rory phones her mother. She might as well light up a cigarette and start a small fire while she's out there, since she's breaking all of the other hospital rules. She interrupts Emily's dinner and wails that they're giving her gloves. Rory quickly explains what's happening, how nobody likes Sherry, and how she's going to have to deliver the baby when her usually absent father doesn't show up on time yet again. Rory complains about the hospital smell, the noises, and how the gowns don't cover the back. She whines that she's seen a lot of butts today. Lorelai tells her to calm down. Rory begins to whine, "I need you" over and over again -- the sweet, sweet lullaby to Lorelai's ego. "I need my mommy," Rory stomps. Lorelai says she's on her way. How far is it to Boston from Hartford? Doesn't it take a couple of hours? Lorelai tells Rory to tell Sherry to keep her legs crossed until she gets there. Rory asks if that really works. Lorelai says it doesn't. Lorelai gets up from Emily's table without offering an explanation and says she has to go, adding, "Dinner was...great." Oh...thanks. Emily has to ask what's happening, so Lorelai explains. Emily is amazed: "You're going to be with Rory's father's girlfriend while she has his baby?" On the Maury. Emily goes on about how Sherry is a wretched homewrecker and doesn't deserve anyone to be there while she gives birth to Rory's sister. "Half-sister," Emily corrects me. Lorelai thanks Emily and leaves. Emily stands at the door, mouth agape.
Flashback. Borelai eats a sandwich and watches Quincy. The contractions begin. "Ow?" she asks.
Cut to County Flashback Hospital. A nurse asks Borelai if she's alone. Borelai says she is and they say someone will come get her soon. Borelai puts on her Walkman and listens to Nena's "99 Luftballoons." Slow pan back as Borelai watches the hospital move around her.
Missing the opportunity to have "99 Luftballoons" be the elevator Muzak as Lorelai teleports into the hospital, Rory runs right up to Lorelai. Rory is searching for a fax machine, as Sherry needs to have some progress reports sent at 11 on a Friday night that she promised people they would have by tomorrow. Lorelai puts a stop to the late-night work, and enters Sherry's room.
Sherry is sitting on her feet. She's on the phone, promising someone an immediate fax. Lorelai tells Sherry to hang up. She takes the phone and tells someone that Sherry will have to call him back. Sherry keeps on panting and whining, complaining that she was working. Lorelai tells Sherry that she shouldn't be working right now. Sherry pants and pants, saying she can't stop her whole life just because she's... "Having a baby," Lorelai finishes. "Admitting it is the first step." Sherry says she's not ready. She had it all planned. "Christopher was supposed to be here," Sherry says. "I know," Lorelai says, familiar with those six words Sherry just said. Lorelai asks Sherry why she's sitting on her feet. Sherry says that Maureen told her that Howard Stern said if you squat, it makes the baby come out faster. Lorelai: "Okay. As long as you have a sane reason from a reliable source." Lorelai tells Sherry that it's scary and it hurts like hell and it's probably good not to look directly at the baby right away, or she'll think she gave birth to phlegm. Sherry hopes she has a baby as great as Rory is. Sherry admits that she can no longer feel her feet. Rory and Sherry lead the panting Sherry back into her hospital bed. Sherry gives us a quick flash of her panties as she gets tucked in. Panting, panting, panting. Commercial.
Rory holds empty paper cups and tries to make us think there's coffee in them. Lorelai meets her and informs her that Sherry is now jogging in place, hoping to "aerobicize the thing outta there." Rory says that can't be good for the baby. Lorelai says it's not going to be any worse than the guilt trip it's going to get for showing up a week early. Rory reminds Lorelai that "it" is a girl. She tells Lorelai that Christopher's phone is out of range and she can't reach him. Lorelai frets, because she's going to have to go into the delivery room if he doesn't show up in time. Rory asks if they should buy a camera so they can take pictures for Christopher in case he misses it. Lorelai says "no" a few times. Rory says she just thought it would be nice. Tension's over as Christopher runs into the hospital asking, "Is it over? Did I miss it?" Maybe you could have called sometime in the last couple of hours, Out of Range, and found out. Christopher babbles some nonsense and then runs in to see Sherry.
Sherry tells the nurse that this is her Christopher, right in front of his daughter and his ex-girlfriend. Sherry's immediately wheeled to the delivery room. The nurse asks if he's going with her. "Try and stop me," he says. Sherry pants and pants and pants. They pass Rory and Lorelai without a single thank-you or goodbye.
Flashback. Borelai is in labor, whining in the hospital as she's being wheeled to the delivery room. She asks the nurse if she can punch her or hurt her really badly. Richard and Emily show up, furious that Borelai just ran off to have her baby, only leaving them a note; "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm in labor. See you later. Lorelai." Richard says he feels ridiculous, and complains that he wore the wrong shoes for this. Whatever that means. Emily says that you don't leave your house when you're having a baby without telling your mother. Emily says she has a right to drive her sixteen-year-old daughter to the hospital to have her baby. The nurse, for reasons I don't understand, won't let Emily into the delivery room. Richard pulls Emily away. As Borelai's pulled away, Emily promises that they are not done discussing this. Richard and Emily sit and Richard babies his sore feet, apparently unfazed by the fact that a baby's coming.
In the present, Rory and Lorelai decide to wait around for the baby to come. We get a pretty nice shot of Lorelai's butt as she walks down the hall. What? Like you weren't looking?
Luke's. Jess asks Kirk how long he's going to sit at the counter. Kirk admits that it's boring at home and his television is broken. Jess tells him to read a book. Kirk asks for a suggestion. Jess suggests Moby Dick. "That's about the whale," Kirk says. "Yes," Jess says. "No," Kirk says. Luke arrives with Nicole, telling some story about his dad and some cheese. "Oh, God. I love cheese," Nicole says like she's bored off her ass. But she's not, I guess, and they had a great time. They sit for coffee. Jess brings over a couple of mugs. Nicole says she hated the restaurant, but loved the company. Luke agrees. And they called it...Grumpy Lo-oooo-ove! Jess says he's going to go out for about an hour. Luke says it's 11:30. Jess says he knows, and that he's going to go out for about an hour. Wink, wink. This continues for quite some time, Jess saying he'll go for a walk or just out for about an hour, unless Luke needs more time. Luke takes Jess outside for a silent argument that involves whacking Jess on the side of the head as Kirk informs Nicole that Jess and Luke have a great communication between the two of them. Luke and Jess come back into the diner. Jess says he's going upstairs, and tells Nicole he tried.
Hospital. Rory's asleep on the couch. Christopher enters and tells Lorelai it's all over. "Are you a daddy?" Lorelai asks him. He doesn't give the right answer, which is that he's already been one for almost eighteen years. They leave to go see the baby, leaving Rory -- the one related to the baby -- asleep in a strange hospital, all by herself.
Lorelai asks Christopher how it went. He goes on and on and on about how amazing it is and what a miracle it is and how incredible it is and then realizes that she probably knows all of this, since she did it once all by herself when he was not around at all. But I guess he wasn't around because she didn't invite him. I don't know why he never mentions Rory, or compares the experience. They turn to see the baby through the window. Christopher says that Georgia is perfect. Lorelai -- who can't be gracious for a second -- tells Christopher that Rory was perfect, and that this baby will have to be a close second. Let's hope Lorelai never has another child. GG Trivia fans: Georgia was born on January 31, 2003 at 1:17 AM. Christopher says he can't believe this. Lorelai says Georgia's beautiful and congratulates him. He thanks her for everything. Pan down the row of babies...
...into a flashback! Rory of the past was born October 4, 1984, it appears, which is most confusing indeed. Seven pounds, eight ounces. Pan up to Borelai and Christophake standing at the window. Christophake says that baby Rory is pretty. Borelai says that she's perfect. So why didn't either of them mention just a second ago that this is the second time they've stood there staring at a baby? Why is Christopher so insensitive to Rory's and Lorelai's feelings about how he's been a shitty dad from day one? Christophake says they should get married. Borelai stares into space.
In the present, Christopher asks if he should wake Rory. Lorelai nods, saying she'd like to see this. Christopher kisses Lorelai on the side of the head and walks away, unaware of how anyone must be feeling about all of this. Lorelai stares at the baby. We don't get to find out how Rory feels about all of this, because it's all about Lorelai.
Emily's. The doorbell rings. She shouts to Leilani that she'll answer the door if she tries to find out where that smell is coming from. It's Lorelai, who's bought Emily a DVD player and some of her favorite movies -- all musicals. Lorelai says she'll figure out how to hook it up. Emily worries that they should get a professional to hook it up. Lorelai asks for a second to read the manual. Emily says she doesn't understand why Lorelai bought this for her. She looks down and sees the first DVD. "I love this movie," she coos.
Flashback. Emily and Richard are leaving for some event, their arms wrapped around each other. Emily shouts upstairs that they're leaving home, bye, bye. Emily comments that Lorelai put the stroller away, and that it's the first time in a year she hasn't tripped over that thing. Emily shouts up to Lorelai again as Richard bumbles around looking for his scarf. Emily finds a note. As Richard complains about the event he has to go to, and work, work, work. Emily picks up the letter that's lying there. She breaks down and cries to her husband...
Lorelai picks up the DVD player and heads upstairs, determined to set it up. Emily follows her, clucking and picking, worrying and fussing. Lorelai sings "In Your Easter Bonnet." The strummy-strummy-la-la music takes over as the camera pans over to the portrait of Richard, Emily, and really young Lorelai.
week Rory and Jess make out. Emily meets Jess. She's unimpressed.