Previously: Fencing antics. Lane got a boyfriend. Taylor is going to build an ice cream shoppe. Lorelai made a date with a lame-o named Alex. Paris was furious with Rory. Lane got her first kiss. For the first time, I notice that the other students in the fencing class are at least thirty years old.
We open with Lorelai and Rory standing outside their locked garage, arguing over how long it's been since they last opened its doors. It's been at least four years, since the last time was when they got the Jeep. They reminisce about opening the doors then, when a bat flew out. Ozzy jokes ensue. Rory reminds us all that Lane's band is going to rehearse in the garage, and that's why they have to clean it out. They open the doors. The garage looks like my grandmother's garage. It's where old things go to hide. Rory is furious that there are boxes in front that Lorelai was supposed to give to charity two years ago (so I guess they last opened the doors of the garage two years ago). Lorelai plays dumb and then admits that perhaps the charity people came to pick up the boxes while she was gone getting a cup of coffee, even though she left a note telling them they were allowed to go in the garage and take the boxes. Rory says there was no way to determine that the note was authentic. Lorelai says she left it on Powerpuff Girls stationery, so the only other person who would try to frame him was Hello Kitty. Rory can't believe how much junk is in the garage. Lorelai explains that these are souvenirs from their life's journey, and not junk. She holds up a headless doll and decides that maybe some of it is junk. Then she decides that most of it is junk. Lorelai renames them Sanford and Son. Rory finds her "Hug a World" and proceeds to hug it. The words "Hug a World" are said about a million times. Lorelai points out Canada, the only remaining country on Hug a World, in a shout-out to Wing Chun. Hug a World is apparently a stuffed globe on which Rory learned her geography. They used to hug it tightly, and wherever their pinkies touched was where they were going to run off together after Rory graduated. Lorelai notes that many trips to Uzbekistan were planned that way. Rory loves her Hug a World and wants it to be cleaned so she can keep it forever. Rory tosses Hug a World towards the driveway. Lorelai points out that it's now moving. Something is now living inside of Hug a World. "I hugged it!" Rory moans. "I hugged it tight!" She runs off to shower. Lorelai stands in front of the garage, wondering how they're going to clean it all out. She opts to reuse a joke from the last episode, saying that Lane can rehearse in the kitchen, since they never use that room, either. It was only marginally funnier last week, since Lorelai was willing the room to a spider, but it's still not really effective, because they actually spend many hours in the kitchen. They love eating.
Luke's. At first I don't notice what's going on outside the diner, because my house sounds like this all day long. Every house around mine is currently undergoing major reconstruction, so my life sounds like Luke's life right now. In fact, I'll just take it as some kind of shout-out. It's not like they could have written this before I wrote my journal entry about it, but still. It's my life. Luke's frustrations? My frustrations. Except Luke isn't subject to The Whistler during the quieter moments. Anyway, not all about me. Moving on. It's so noisy that Luke's having a hard time taking someone's order. I don't know why my friend Todd Lowe isn't in the opening credits, but he's not listed. Luke storms out of his diner to deal with the noise issue.
Taylor is complaining to the construction guy that he wanted an arch above the door. Taylor's still wearing a cardigan instead of a coat, even though it's supposed to be snowy in Stars Hollow. The construction guy comes with a catchphrase: "Get away from my saw, Taylor." That's his answer to everything. Luke wants to know why Taylor's renovations are spilling out onto the street and aren't inside the building like they're supposed to be. Taylor says there's plenty of room if you turn sideways. Luke threatens to punch Taylor in the nose. Taylor says he has every right to make renovations on the building he's paying "good money" to rent. Luke says that if anyone else in this town pulled a stunt like this in front of the market, Taylor would have them arrested. Taylor says that he has all of the necessary paperwork. He says its been approved by the town magistrate. "You're the town magistrate!" Luke screams. Taylor says, "And as the town magistrate, if you have any problems with me, you may take them up with me." The construction guy enters here to deliver his catchphrase. Taylor asks Luke why he hasn't returned any of his lawyer's calls. Luke says he's not going through any lawyer, and if Taylor wants some papers signed, he'll have to walk them over to Luke himself. Taylor says that business needs to be done properly and legally. Luke says this is a professional lease agreement that he bought at Office Depot. Taylor says that's all the more reason to have a professional take a look at it. Riveting! Taylor says that everybody says, "Good lawyers make good neighbors." Taylor tries to go back to work, but Catchphrase Construction Guy is too busy spouting off his six words. Taylor acts like he could actually get injured by the saw just by standing near it.
The garage has been cleaned out entirely, without the fun a garage-sale episode would have brought. Bummer. Lorelai tells Lane to keep the garage door closed and have the music stop by 8. I don't know how they'll keep the garage closed when their instruments are on the driveway. My friend Todd Lowe -- who plays Zach, the lead singer -- then proceeds to hit on Lorelai. Every week, she's getting hot teen action. Lorelai tries to get Rory to bail her out on the hot teen action, but Rory encourages Lorelai, saying that Todd Lowe is cute. She calls Lorelai "Pamela Des Barres." When she later calls her "Pam," and says it to Todd Lowe, I am simply forced to take it as a shout-out. Lorelai excuses herself. Todd Lowe invites her to see a gig month, but Lorelai says she's not allowed to listen to music because of her tiny hollow "tubey" thing inside her ears. Tubey. This entire scene is a shout-out to us. Thank you, Gilmore Girls! "She's some kind of fine!" they make my friend say to Rory. It's weird and gross to tell someone that their mom is "some kind of fine."
Rory squats to Lane, who still can't believe their band gets to rehearse in Rory's garage. Rory says they can thank her in the liner notes. Lane says she'll put Rory right under Jesus' name. Rory says that's good billing. It's not that this episode has any jokes, per se. It's really just like watching people talk about their lives. Rory asks Lane about the gig month. The band is playing some birthday party, as long as the girl turning sixteen doesn't get grounded again. See? Dave walks up to Lane and says that now they have a space, they need to "get serious about the sound." He tells Lane that she's going to have to step up the playing. He says she's sloppy, and needs to play clean like Moon. "I know you're a girl, but I need you to play like a guy," he says. Lane just keeps on yes-sirring him. Dave gets really condescending, asking if that's too hard for her. She promises to be better. Dave walks away. Rory runs up and immediately starts complaining about what a dick Dave has suddenly become. Lane beams, and says their plan is working. Apparently, they don't want anyone else in the band to know they're dating, so Dave's just going to be a total dick to her whenever they're around so they have no idea. You know, how high-school guys act like total dicks to girls they like? Whatever. I can't believe Lane would ever go for this, and Dave's way too good at being a dick for me not to think he's secretly taking out his frustrations on her. Lane says she knows she's the best drummer in the world, and there's no way what he's saying means anything. Why wouldn't Lane have told Rory about this plan earlier? Dave walks over and tells Lane that he needs her to not suck. "God, he's wonderful!" Lane gushes. Rory looks like she buys this as much as we do.
We seem to have missed a Friday dinner, because it's now the Saturday of Lorelai's coffee date with Alex. She's at a table covered in tiny espresso cups. He's brought her a Sumatra blend. Lorelai says that other than a unicorn in the corner, this is what she always thought Heaven would look like. Alex gives an awkward laugh. Lorelai says she's had fifteen free coffees now, and she can't believe how cheap a date she is. Alex says that he has to stock his store with this coffee now, for some reason (remember when he told her he does this all the time, and made it sound like there were no strings attached?), and so it's actually costing $11,000 a month. Lorelai hopes she's worth it. Alex says she is. All this coffee, but I'm still getting sleepy. Alex begins talking about his two kids, Hillary and Jeff, and how they're six and nine (Dirty!), and how they've just started soccer. He's divorced, and the kids live with their mom. There's a strange white light across Alex's eyes, I guess to draw attention away from how the rest of him looks like Pig Pen. Lorelai decides she likes one of the coffees in particular, and orders that they carry it on the menu at Alex's place. There's a few seconds of watching people sip coffee, discuss coffee, coffee. YOU'LL BUY THE WHOLE SEAT, BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!!!! Alex says he's not a hobby guy, but then in the same breath says he loves camping and fishing, and does it a few times a year. Lorelai pretends to be super-excited about camping and fishing too, and through the magic of television, she's soon got herself into another wacky mess! Lorelai's a-goin' fishin'! Alex seems to not know that it's already Saturday, and asks her to come with him "this Saturday." They make a "fishing date." More coffee talk. Lorelai stares into space, as this director likes to end every scene with a moment of awkward silence. Jamie Babbit, I simply do not understand your motivation for calling "cut."
Rory gets off her bus and sits on a bench (why?) for about one second before Lane runs up and announces her good news: she's going to her senior prom. MamaLane was in a good mood today because she made a big sale. Rory bemoans the loss of a piece of furniture that had been in the house for a long time. Lane quickly tells Rory to get over it. Anyway, Lane slowly and carefully explains that she wants to go to the prom, and that she's willing to do it MamaLane's way. MamaLane can approve the dress, the chaperone, and the boy. MamaLane said, "Maybe." The girls celebrate in silence as they walk into a shop. Again, not sure what's up with the dragging of the scene.
Inside the beauty shop, I'm wondering if we'll ever see what happened to Probawhore. The girls look through makeup, chatting about how much MamaLane loves Dave. Lane says that this is all working out so perfectly. Probawhore got the axe, it seems, and Kirk is behind the counter, answering questions about everything. He's painting a hand display with nail polish. He's wearing a sweater vest. I want an invite to Taylor and Kirk's wedding. Lane tells Rory that Dave's playing at the wedding this weekend. Rory says she thought she was the only non-Korean allowed to come to family weddings. Lane says that Rory's been to so many of these weddings she's now an honorary member of the clan. Rory asks the story of the cousin getting married. So, yes. We get some family history. It's a cousin of Lane's named James. He struck out with American women, so they've flown a girl over from Korea. She speaks no English. Rory says the girl will need some sparkles, and grabs a container of powder. Yes, this sounds like a set-up. No, it's not going to be needed. Yes, it's taking up time. No, I'm not sure the point. Maybe this show is trying to be kind of feminist, but it's just doing it completely backwards. Lorelai lies that she likes fishing so she can be with a boy? Lane lies to her mom so she can be with a boy? Lane lets a boy treat her like shit in public so she can be with a boy? She lets him insult her talents? The girls attend an arranged marriage and decide the bride needs some glitter so she doesn't feel so sad? Rory asks, "Can you imagine marrying somebody you didn't know?" Lane: "Are you kidding? Used clothes still skeeve me out a little." Maybe it's all foreshadowing, and in a few weeks we'll have the very special episode: "Lane's Arranged Wedding." Rory compliments Kirk's nail polish display. "It is fun, isn't it?" Kirk asks, and I get my one real laugh this episode. I love Kirk. The girls have bought over forty dollars worth of makeup for someone else's wedding. Lane happens to have that much in cash on her. Kirk includes a few samples and asks the girls to call him and tell him how they like the masque. The girls leave.
We watch them exit the shop and walk out onto the street. Strummy, strummy, la-la music plays. Lane tells Rory that the wedding is at 4 (what day? Where are we? Has a week passed already?), so Rory should come over at 1 to help the bride get ready. Lane says she feels like everything's going her way and she's going to go to prom. "Maybe!" Rory celebrates. We watch the girls walk out of frame.
Inn. Sookie's kitchen. Sookie decorates a wedding cake. Lorelai is complaining about how dumb she was, saying she fishes when she doesn't. Sookie says that Lorelai likes the boy, and that's why she did it. Lorelai says she's not sixteen, and she doesn't lie to boys to make them like her. But you are, and you did, Lor. Sookie tells a story about how when she first started dating Jackson, to make small talk this one time, she complimented the frog on his t-shirt. He asked if she liked frogs, and she over-enthusiastically told him she loved frogs. Now he gives her frogs all the time, and tells everyone in his family to get her frogs, and that's why she's got a frog collection and she's the Crazy Frog Lady. She says she doesn't want to tell Jackson she actually doesn't love frogs because it makes him so happy to buy them for her. Lorelai decides this is "sweet." I decide this is "Making Jackson Look Like an Ass." Lorelai decides that she could go fishing, then. She tells Sookie all of the information on Alex that we already know, which is so important for us to hear again, instead of learning anything new about him. Lorelai says she's going fishing. She's the Fish Girl. Frog Girl welcomes Lorelai to the club. They giggle and drink coffee for a while, out of dialogue.
Chilton. Student Council meeting. Wait, when was the wedding? Is it in a week? Then is it Monday? Tuesday? Gah. Louisa doesn't know what to do about her boyfriend. She knows it's time to break up, but he seems so happy with her. JEEZ, LADIES. GET SOME SPINES. Even Louisa is letting the boy dictate her decisions in life? This girl is only ruled by the perfect gloss. Fraulein suggests that Louisa date his brother, so her boyfriend gets mad at her and won't be hurt by their breakup. Louisa says that's so "been there, done that." We wouldn't want a boy to feel anything sad, now, would we? It's best to lower ourselves, degrade ourselves, and do mean things so that they feel justified in their confused and angry feelings. What the hell is going on in this episode? Louisa points out that dating the brother is exactly how she got this boyfriend in the first place. Fraulein concludes that it really is time to go to college, since they've slept with all of Hartford by now.
There's a new advisor for the Student Council meeting, and they somehow think we won't notice. But they made a big stink about Paris hating the advisor, and then they just get rid of him without an explanation or finishing the plotline of him being scared of her? The advisor asks Rory where Paris is, as she's almost fifteen minutes late. "Is she?" Rory asks. Um, didn't you just stroll in, buddy, with everybody else? Isn't everyone fifteen minutes late? The advisor decides to start without her. Rory bangs the gavel, but Paris runs in at that moment, saying she's here. She makes a snotty comment at Rory, who makes one back. Where's Francie? Isn't this what she worked so hard to get? Paris takes the gavel. Rory makes a snotty comment. Paris gives a lengthy speech about the oath they took when they were sworn into office. "I hate anything that starts with a speech," Fraulein echoes my sentiments. Paris passes out proof that Rory's committed several counts of felony and treason. Rory and Paris bicker loudly. Paris calls for the impeachment of Rory Gilmore. This is immediately struck down by the advisor, but there's much, much, much more discussion about it. Rory tries to quit, but they won't let her. Where's Francie? Where's the real advisor? What is wrong with the staff at Chilton? Paris and the advisor bicker. Then there's this "No, you resign!" "No, you resign!" bullshit. May I remind everyone that this entire thing is because Paris is embarrassed that everyone knows she has a boyfriend? At this point, Louisa decides to stay with her boyfriend until Friday and just see how it goes. I would give you my opinion about all of this, but my boyfriend hasn't told me what it is yet. The advisor (who is one of the most stilted actors this show has ever seen) tells the girls to take their argument somewhere else. He says that they should only discuss school matters. Paris and Rory sit down. Paris asks for fundraising ideas for re-plastering the swimming pool. Paris and Rory share a long, silent look at each other, since we are out of dialogue, have no joke to end on, and have just sort of lost the drive for the scene because of the advisor's clunky delivery of his last line.
A woman walks in and asks Jess if she can speak with a "Lucas Danes." You know, they could just cut to the scene with the two of them, since it's already obvious right here what kind of plot device this woman is, and why she's here. She's Taylor's lawyer, and wants Luke to sign the lease agreement. He invites her to sit for a cup of coffee. They chat and flirt. She's very meek, so she'll fit right in here at Stars Hollow's National Organization for Women (If the Men Don't Mind Too Much). The lawyer says that Taylor loves things to be formal, neat, and in triplicate. She sips the coffee and then has an orgasm about how great it is, and tells him his coffee's so big and strong. She even wipes the corner of her mouth after swallowing. The lawyer tries to pay for the coffee, but Luke, the man, won't let her. He wants to pay for it. She offers to let Taylor pay for the coffee, an idea Luke likes very much. She smiles and flirts and smiles and flirts and then leaves. Jess moves in for the kill and begins teasing Luke immediately. "Guess Gloria Allred wants to go slumming," Jess says. Gloria Allred should sue for having her name invoked in this anti-female episode. Jess goes on about how the lawyer was clearly hitting on Luke, laughing at his jokes and such. I have to rewind three times with every line of Jess's because it's hard to understand him sometimes. I think he says, "Didn't you hear her panting when you were signing those things?" Except he says "panting" like "painting." Luke says she's a suit, and so she's not his type. Jess says monks are his type, as he hasn't been on a date in a long time. Luke says he was on a date last month, but it's quickly revealed that all he did was drive a woman home. Jess says he's off to see Rory for a real date. Jess leaves. Luke walks back to the counter and stands still. He looks down at the counter, wishing someone -- anyone -- would shout "cut."
Luke's. Lorelai can hardly eat her food, because she can't stop thinking about a boy. Luke walks over to fill her coffee cup and Lorelai asks if he has any good stories. He says he doesn't. Lorelai gives some suggestions of good stories (fans of GG trivia take note: Luke's best friend is named Jeff Smith), and Luke remarks that Lorelai doesn't do very well when Rory's running late. Rory enters, asking if Luke kept her company. "Oh, he tried," Lorelai says, "but really he's got nothing." Luke thanks her and walks away. Rory has brought a stack of books about fishing to teach Lorelai everything she needs to know. Lorelai reads a chapter on deep-water fishing, something I'm pretty sure she won't be doing on Saturday, but whatever. Lorelai and I both learn that an "angler" is the person fishing. door, it appears Taylor is renovating my neighbor's house, and is using nineteen loud tools to do it. On the other side, I just saw they are testing paint colors. I will never know what silence sounds like ever again. Lorelai wonders if her sequined top will be an appropriate lure. They miss out on making both a "bottom feeder" and a "Sisqo" joke. Why read it without making the jokes? I don't know. They just read it. It makes no sense. She's talking about lures. The one fish needs a flashy lure, like a sequined top. The bottom feeders aren't really into lures and will latch onto anything, and Sisqo needs a thong. I'm not getting paid to fix their scripts, so we'll just move on. Lorelai says instead that the larger, flashy baits are just going to make her look cheap. Luke wanders over and asks what's going on. They tell him. Lorelai lies to Luke and says that some friends of hers want to fish, so she's decided she can do it, too. She says that she might be a really good fisher, and she wouldn't know. Luke calls them "Thelma" and "Louise" without a good reason, and then says there's a better way to learn to fish. As the girls debate the finer points of the Fishing Channel, Luke says he knows how to fish. They avoid a "wader/waiter" joke. Luke offers to teach Lorelai how to fish "tomorrow after work." When does Luke ever stop working? Anyway, I believe the old saying goes, "If you give Lorelai a fish, she'll eat it. If you teach her how to fish, she'll ask when you're making her dinner." Lorelai points at a page we can't see and tells Luke she doesn't want to learn "that." Too bad we can't join in on what's going on. Rory also doesn't want to look at whatever it is we can't see. And since there's no joke, and we're completely lost, they end the scene.
Fake Chilton. Rory arrives at Headmaster Charleston's office, saying she got a note telling her to go there. The assistant tells her to wait with Paris. Yes: Paris, too, has been called to the Headmaster's office. After some brief bickering, Rory and Paris realize that neither of them made this happen, and they've been just called to the Headmaster's office. I'd say it's all about two weeks too late. And again: Francie? The fencing teacher? Everybody needs some scolding. The assistant has some strange trinkets on her desk. They look like red Weeble-Wobbles. Headmaster Charleston opens his door. There's a strange moment where he thinks they have another line, and they're waiting for his line and then he invites them in. Then we watch them stand up and walk into his office. zzzzzzzzzz.
Headmaster Charleston tells the girls to have a seat. He shuts the door, saying that he never expected to have the President and Vice-President of Student Council in his office. He says there's been quite a stir over the past couple of days (?!?) about their behavior. He brings up the fights at the meetings, their face-offs in the cafeteria, and a screaming match at the school newspaper's office. He, for some reason, doesn't mention when Paris went apeshit on Rory with a fencing foil. He also doesn't mention that the faculty and staff have done nothing to ease this situation nor prevent it from getting out of hand. He also hasn't mentioned Francie, or how everybody should be suspended by now. The girls bicker some more, until they're all "You're the stupid!" "No, you're the stupid!" Rory quits, and says she never wanted this stupid job in the first place, but Paris made her take the position so she'd get elected. Paris says that's not true. Charleston finally makes them stop, and says that their behavior is disgraceful. And boring. He asks what's driving this fight. He asks if they're arguing over the same boy. Paris, in a completely uncharacteristically insubordinate move, mutters, "Sure. We're girls, so we could only be arguing about a boy, right? Sexist, white-haired..." Headmaster Charleston interrupts her here before she gets expelled. But they ARE arguing over a boy, so it's even more insulting to have Paris say that line. Charleston asks if this is a popularity thing, or a power struggle. The girls aren't interested in speaking, so Charleston starts lecturing. He tells Rory that she's not allowed to quit the Student Council, since the school elected her to the position. He basically calls her a whiny quitter, and advises her not to take things she can't hack. Now tell her what to do about Jess and Dean! Do it, Charleston! Tell her she's a wimpy fake innocent who thinks she's Snow White in a Princess outfit. Tell her we can see right through it all and she's just her mom with a wide-eyed pout. He tells Paris that she worked very hard to get to where she is, and that there's no reason to throw it all away on petty antics and childish vendettas. He doesn't see how they'll be able to handle college, and that they're acting like sniveling, spiteful, vindictive individuals. Where's Francie? Charleston wonders if he should amend his recommendation letters to Harvard about the two of them, and says he's had to do it before. He kicks them out. We watch them leave.
In the hallway, Rory says she doesn't know if getting chewed out by Charleston was worse than the "Shut up/ No, you shut up" fighting match they had in front of him. Paris keeps her gaze on the floor. Rory asks if Paris feels as rotten as she does. Paris looks her in the eye. "No," she says, and walks away. We watch Rory stand around the hallway for a while. Good for you, Paris. Somebody's got to hate Rory for the real reasons. Bravo to you. I hope you get everyone at Chilton fired and expelled.
Luke takes some fishing poles out of his truck and honks his horn. Lorelai opens her front door. She's wearing a ridiculous fishing outfit, and coos at how great it is that she got to buy a whole new outfit just for fishing. She loves anything that involves her buying an outfit, she says. I had the TiVo on pause here as I was thinking of a comeback to her comment, but I decided to let it go by because there's so much of the episode left. I unpause it only to hear Luke say, "Why don't I just let that go by, because we have a lot to do here." Ha! Lorelai says she'll go get her purse so they can leave, but Luke says she's not ready for the lake yet. He's inflated and filled a kiddie pool on her front lawn, and apparently she never noticed it before. He dumps a bucket of trout into the pool. Lorelai becomes seven years old and jumps and cheers and calls them cute. She says they're all "Oooh!" like they're singing a fish choir. Luke tells her not to get too attached, so Lorelai names them all. Oh, there is so much chattering as Lorelai talks to the fish and gives them advice and acts like Brittany Murphy trapped in a closet. Luke waits more patiently than he should. He gives her a rod and reel. Lorelai says the fish aren't going to like this. Luke offers to skip the lesson and just take the trout out for some beers. Luke launches into a very long fishing lesson that I don't care about and you don't care about and nobody but maybe my old roommate, who would have told me where and why Luke is wrong, would ever care about. Luke shows Lorelai the cork that covers the hook.
Fishing lessons. I'll take this moment to tell you a story about my old comedy troupe. We had a saying: "Whatcha doin'? Fishin'?" It meant, "That's the worst sketch I've ever done." It comes from how people aren't supposed to comment on the action they're doing in a scene, because it's boring and we can see what they're doing already. And the most boring thing you can do onstage? Fish. So the ultimate mix of that is one guy miming holding a pole while the other guy walks onstage and goes, "Whatcha doin'? Fishin'?" And now, I'm recapping our prime example of unfun viewing. I'm not even sure why we're spending four minutes of Fishing 101. It's not like Lorelai and Luke are touching or flirting. They're simply fishing.
Lorelai gets her lure in the pool and is very proud of herself. She orders Luke to jump around and be excited about her successes. That's all he ever does, Lorelai. Lorelai says she doesn't want to take the cork off her hook just yet. Luke grabs his pole (Dirty!). Lorelai comments that you need a lot of stuff for fishing. Luke says that normally you don't bring your own lake. He asks again why she's going fishing. Lorelai says that some of her friends are going. Luke immediately asks if Sookie's going fishing, or if maybe Rory's going fishing. Lorelai breaks down and admits that she met a guy and he's outdoorsy. "Oh, just your type," Luke jokes, but Lorelai doesn't get it and says it's not her type, but that "he's nice." Anyway, she says she accidentally got invited to go fishing. Luke says he got it. She apologizes for not telling him. She says she felt stupid getting rooked in. Then she leans in and says really deliberately, "Plus, you don't want to hear about my personal life." As if they've never, ever discussed her personal life before. As if Luke's wasn't the place she went to after every breakup, through every tear, through every frustration. As if Luke isn't the one she knows loves her. Everybody's told her, but she dumped him for Christopher, but she's never apologized or acknowledged it, and I guess she tore down that Chupah when she cleared out the garage. God, Lorelai's so annoying sometimes. There's a moment of silence while Luke pines and Lorelai pretends she doesn't know anything. Luke asks how many dates Lorelai's been on with this guy. Lorelai gushes that he took her on a coffee date already. "Just your type," Luke says. He says he thinks it's great, and asks when they're going fishing. "Sunday morning," Lorelai says. Luke then offers to lend Lorelai one of his poles and a tackle box. That's right, Luke -- give her something that you think will make her think of you while she's fishing. But you know what? She won't think of you for a nanosecond. Lorelai says, "That'll be great," but she doesn't thank him for the offer, nor does she thank him for the lesson. Instead she asks for another favor, and tells Luke to put a cork on his hook. Indeed, Luke. It's probably time to put a cork on your hook, if you know what I'm sayin'. Lorelai watches Luke follow her every order.
Rory is asleep on the kitchen table as Lorelai tells her to make coffee. Rory is mad that Lorelai set her alarm for 5:15 in the morning on a Sunday. Lorelai (accent on the "I") says that Rory's a better alarm clock than a real alarm clock, and that's why she woke her up. Plus she can order Rory to make coffee while she gets dressed. The doorbell rings and Lorelai bitches at Rory for not making her coffee before she had to go on her date.
At the front door, Alex has brought coffee and donuts. "I like you," Lorelai says, and invites Alex in, once again breaking her code that Rory doesn't have to meet a string of her dates. And Rory's in her pajamas. And it's 5 in the morning on a Sunday. Ah, forget it. Rory tries to cover herself up as Lorelai juggles her equipment (Dirty!) and takes the coffee from Alex. She leaves, and Alex tells Rory that he actually got her a spa day, and that the fishing is just an excuse. He tells Rory to go back to bed. You aren't her daddy! Don't tell her what to do! And comb your hair. We watch Alex leave and then watch Rory slowly walk over to the couch and flop down to sleep. That's good television!
Oh, right. The important Korean wedding. MamaLane tells one of her relatives that he looks good and isn't so fat anymore, which reminds me of the stories Anna Beth tells about her mother-in-law. MamaLane stops Lane from carrying water up to the bride. She says that once the bride is in her dress, she must remain standing, and she needs to regulate her water intake. Lane walks over to Dave, who has just arrived. She tells Dave he's not allowed to carry the mental image of her in that dress all week. He says he won't, but then changes his mind when he sees the enormous bow on her back. MamaLane storms up and barks that Lane should be upstairs with the bride. Lane says she's just on her way up, but that Dave needs to know where to set up. MamaLane sits Dave down and warns him about the singer: "Watch her high note. She's a runner." Dave and Lane watch each other from across the room. Lane turns around and walks up the stairs backwards so he can't see her big bow. Then we just watch Dave's back for a while as he turns back around and walks over to where he's going to be sitting during the wedding.
Lane enters with the water. Rory is doing the mystery bride's hair. I'm just going to say it now, because otherwise you'll be wondering the entire scene, but no, the bride doesn't actually speak English, and no, they aren't going to get her to change her mind about the arranged marriage, and no, she isn't going to speak in fractured English about how great America is and that she did the arranged marriage just so she could live here. She's just sitting there quietly, silently, letting Lane and Rory do her hair and makeup. ["And looking morose. It's a very weird, ambiguous scene." -- Wing Chun] Lane can't understand the bride, anyway, because Lane only knows a little Korean, I guess. Rory and Lane pull out the contraband makeup from the floorboard, set a footstool in front of the door, and go to town on the bride. Lane gushes about how great Dave is, and how he's going through a lot of work just to date her. Rory says that Lane is worth it, and that she's really happy for them. Lane says she's really happy for Rory and Jess as well. Rory speaks to two-thirds of us when she says here that it's okay that we don't like Jess, and we aren't all going to like the same things. Rory points out that Lane likes the Smashing Pumpkins, but Rory doesn't. "Well, that's only because you're close-minded and blind," Lane says. Lane admits that she doesn't like Jess. She says she's very protective of Rory. She agrees to give him another chance, and says they should double-date sometime.
MamaLane hits the door. "Incoming!" Lane shouts. Rory grabs the makeup and falls to the ground. MamaLane enters and asks what's going on. "I fell off my chair!" Rory warbles like a kitten. "Oh," MamaLane says. "Well, don't." Hee. MamaLane says that the bride looks beautiful, and that she must have gotten a good night's sleep. She leaves, and Lane replaces the footstool. Lane and Rory then play a reminiscing game about people we don't know, about past Korean weddings that have taken place here over the years. There have been forty-six of them. Rory asks about one of them who married a mean guy, and Lane explains that the bride put up with him for seven years -- seven years of him ordering her around and calling her stupid. Then one day she snapped and attacked him with a carrot peeler. She started peeling until the cops showed up. The man didn't press charges, but now he cooks his own meals, sleeps in another room, and keeps a cutting board by his bed for protection. ISN'T THAT A GREAT STORY?! ISN'T THAT A HAPPY ENDING?! Stay with the abusers, girls. It's so a-peeling. Lane then says that everybody stays married, and that it's like a factory system. We watch the silent bride get awkwardly made up and assume she's going to say something, but she doesn't. Maybe it'll be a later episode. They must totally be setting up for Lane's arranged marriage. I bet that's what all of this is about. Lane says that this will be the last wedding for a while, since all of her cousins are married now. Rory says there's been at least two weddings a year since elementary school, when Lane and Rory met. Then they say it again, that they met in elementary school. Rory says that maybe Lane's wedding will be . Lane tells her to bite her tongue. Oh, she's totally getting an arranged marriage. Lane decides to put eye shadow on the bride. Rory sits for a second and then says, "Peeled to death. That's a bad way to go." What? Nobody got peeled to death. And what? Huh? Scene!
Luke's. Jess works. Luke wanders to the window, carrying a cheeseburger. He sees the lady lawyer outside, talking to Taylor. Luke waves at her. She waves back. Taylor waves back. Luke grimaces, waves and turns away. He goes outside.
Taylor leaves the lawyer lady. Lahey is her last name. ["Also the last name of the woman who wrote the episode." -- Wing Chun] They make small talk. Really small talk. Babble talk about the coffee that Luke got her for free and blah blah blah until Luke asks her out on a date because he can now that Lorelai has a date. Lahey made Luke work for it, too. She just stood there watching him stammer and mumble, waiting for him to ask her out, playing dumb. But she says she'll go out with him. He says he'll call her this week and they'll "make that happen." Luke walks away and we watch her stand there.
Luke enters the diner and tells Jess to shut up. Jess says he didn't say anything. "Well, don't," Luke says. Luke walks away. We watch Jess nod and smile approvingly.
The Korean wedding is in full force, which means, I guess that Taylor's lawyer works on Sundays. Anyway, the wedding happens, and at one point MamaLane frowns and walks over to the bride. She wipes a smudge off her face and sits back down. Crisis averted. The theme of this episode. The couple is wed. They bow toward each other and walk down the aisle to Dave's guitar and a lady singing "Ave Maria." Rory and Lane hug. MamaLane barks out that the reception is at the Elks Lodge and will have two hundred people. "Food goes fast. Let's move!" she says. Rory says she can't believe that's the last time she'll be here for one of those weddings. Okay, we get it; there will be another one in a month for Lane and Dave will run in and take Lane away with him, shouting "(e)LANE! (e)LANE!" Lane asks if Rory's going to the reception. Rory stammers that she was going to go see Jess. Lane would invite Jess to the reception, but Jess isn't "a reception kind of guy." So Lane tells Rory to tell Jess hi, and Rory tells Lane to tell Dave hi, even though she could tell Dave herself because Dave goes places where Lane is because he likes her and puts her needs before his own. So much for friendship. Boys! Boys! Boys! We watch Lane punch her own hand, since she's out of ideas for lines, direction, motivation. She and Dave share a look. MamaLane brings over a boy named Jung Chu and announces that he will be Lane's prom date, and will escort Lane to the reception now. MamaLane reads off the boy's bio and walks away. Lane follows MamaLane, stopping only to say "I'm sure you're very nice" to the boy before running off. The boy and Dave share an awkward, quiet moment where they don't look at each other.
MamaLane kicks people out of her house as Lane says she needs to talk to her. MamaLane tells Lane to get her coat, but Lane says no. She says she can't go to the prom with Jung Chu. Lane explains that she already likes another boy and wants to go to prom with him. She says this is a boy who has been a good friend to the family and has proven himself to be of high moral character and sits in their pew at church. Lane says it's Dave. "The guitar player?" MamaLane asks. Lane says at first she didn't like him either, but the more MamaLane liked him, the more she realized what a great guy he is. Stop lying for one second, Lane. Try not to lie for a moment and see what happens. And a little advice: don't tell your mother you found "the god" in a boy. She might find that to be a little blasphemous. "He's not Korean," MamaLane says, and walks away. Lane pouts.
Dave is still putting away his guitar -- something that seems to take hours -- as Lane walks up and informs Dave that he's not Korean. She leaves with Jung Chu's family. Bye, Dave. We watch Dave stand still for a really long time.
Rory comes home. We watch her take off her coat. Lorelai shouts that she's upstairs in the bathroom. Rory walks through the house and up the stairs. Excitement!
There's a fish in the tub. Rory enters. Lorelai says that the cork fell off her hook and Jayne Mansfield bit it. They skip the decapitation joke. They talk about how pretty the fish is. Rory asks how they're going to take a bath, how the fish will live, and what they will feed it. Lorelai doesn't care; she's got a pretty fish. Lorelai says that the lake was beautiful and then they went to the spa. Rory says that Alex had already told her. "Two dates with this guy and you're already in cahoots with each other," Lorelai says. Quit forcing him on her, Lorelai. Rory asks if they'll go out again. Lorelai says they will. They decide that the fish is already domesticated and that they might just have to keep her. They say good night to the fish and leave. I imagine that fish will be dead on the floor in the morning, when it jumps from the tub in fifteen minutes. To prove my point, the tub makes a splashy noise as we fade to black.
week promises to be the schmaltziest thing we've ever seen. And that baby's totally overdue.